Happy Boxing Day everyone! For those of you who don’t know, December 26 is Boxing Day – in all territories once under the rule of the British Empire. (Sorry America.) Traditionally, people would box up their leftovers and take them to those less fortunate than themselves. Of course now it’s just another excuse for a sale, but we won’t dwell on that. Anyway, in the spirit of the season (and here I’m referring to shameless commercialism), I hope everyone had a great Christmas, and received at least some of what you were hoping for.
No week in review this week. I’m on vacation and so is everything else. If I don’t watch the news there is no news, right. However, I did run across one Christmas-related story I found amusing. Last week a Danbury, Connecticut woman was charged with groping the mall Santa Claus. Apparently it’s not enough to simply sit on Santa’s lap anymore. After the shocked, embarrassed and un-named mall Santa complained to police about the molestation, police scoured the mall and quickly identified and apprehended the culprit - one Sandrama Lamy – due to the fact that she was on crutches. Yes, crutches. Certainly not the most efficient getaway vehicle, are they. But the absolute best part of the article is the following paragraph, which I have included below, unedited, and in its entirety.
“Santa Tim” Connaghan, president of RealSnatas.com, teaches hundreds of prospective Santas a year and said he’s never heard of a similar incident, though it’s not unusual for adult to want to pose with Santa. “I’ve had some very nice ladies sit on my lap,” Connaghan said. “Once in a while they’ll say ‘I hope Mrs. Claus isn’t going to be upset.’ You have to be discreet and kind and say ‘Oh no, she’ll be OK. You can sit here, but only for one photo.”
Hold on… can’t type… laughing too hard. Okay. I’m fine now. First, RealSantas.com? Seriously? There’s a website that “trains” people to put on a fuzzy red suit and say ho ho ho? Really? Once again, I am in the wrong line of work. And second, women really try to hit on Santa? A gray-bearded overweight dude who lives a sleigh ride from any decent shopping and plays with elves? Is it the little red hat that does it? If I had known it was that easy…
12.27.2007
12.18.2007
It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
I hate winter. More accurately, I hate shoveling snow. Who will rid me of this troublesome snow? Hopefully the same person who will bring me some interesting news stories. What a dry week.
Why do we play? Help me out Herm Edwards. We play to win the game. Apparently, Baltimore Ravens coach Brian Billick didn’t get the memo. That, or he just crumpled it up and threw it away. With 12 seconds left, the ball on the opponent’s one foot line, the clock stopped and no time outs, Billick elected to kick the game tying field goal instead of taking a shot at the end zone to try to win the game outright. Couple this with the Ravens inexplicable failure to center the ball between the hash marks for a Matt Stover field goal which could have redeemed them (had he not missed it just wide left) their opponent, the abysmal Miami Dolphins - who until yesterday had won a grand total of zero games all year long - proceeded to capture their first victory on a 63 yard pass from their psychic citrus quarterback Cleo Lemon to some guy named Greg in the ensuing overtime period. I was convinced that a Ravens defense led by the indomitable Ray Lewis simply had too much pride to allow themselves to be defeated by a team as dismal as the Dolphins - especially after coming to within three feet of defeating what may turn out to be the greatest football team in history two weeks ago. But I guess all the defensive pride in the world is useless if your coach and your offense don’t share it. So can we finally please stop hearing how much of an offensive genius Brian Billick is? An offensive genius would play to win the game. If you play not to lose, you certainly don’t deserve to win.
Note to Dallas Cowboys pretty boy Tony Romo, leave your girlfriends at home. Especially if her name is Jessica Simpson. I don’t want to make this into something it’s not, but there’s no denying the simple fact the two games to which Romo has brought his flavor of the month (previously American Idolette Carrie Underwood) have been two of worst games of his career. I understand that the whole point of being a superstar is to get the hot chicks, but you just can’t bring them to work. You don’t see Tom Brady bringing his supermodel girlfriend to Patriot games, do you? The moral of this story, blondes are bad for business.
In a sports related story, former senator George Mitchell released a report four years in the making on the subject of steroids in professional baseball. The report lists 90 current and former players - including the likes of New York Yankees pitchers Roger Clements and Andy Pettitte - and provides evidence of the purchase and use of performance enhancing drugs by said players. Of course, now that the report is out, the league, the owners and the union are all rushing to the first television camera they can find to explain to anyone who will listen how much of a travesty this is and how hard they are working to ensure the game is cleaned up, while the players’ lawyers all cued up behind one another to vehemently deny any wrongdoing. The problem with this report is that it comes about fifteen years too late. Since at least the early nineties everyone has at least suspected - if not known that steroids were rampant in baseball. But no one wanted to do anything about it. Why? To put it simply, “chicks dig the long ball.” Juiced up players crushing juiced up baseballs over the shorter fences of smaller ballparks were raking in money hand over fist. Testing players for performance enhancing substances would have lowered the rate of their use, which would have decrease the rate of offensive production and cut into revenues. And baseball simply couldn’t allow a little thing like substance abuse get in the way of profits. So they continued to ignore the issue until Congress threatened to revoke their anti-trust immunity if they didn’t at least pretend to address it. Ironically, Major League Baseball’s failure to address steroids sooner seems to have worked to their advantage. Things have been rumored and suspected for so long that now that an official “truth” has been revealed - nobody cares. Baseball players cheat, ho hum, tell us something we didn’t know. It’s sad that we seem to be at the point where we accept cheating as just another part of the game, but I guess on some level, we get exactly what we deserve.
The State of New Jersey has voted to eliminate capital punishment and replace it with life in prison without the possibility of parole. This is really something of a symbolic gesture as New Jersey has not executed anyone since 1963. But the interesting angle to this story is that one of the death row inmates who’s sentences were commuted happens to be the monster who raped and murdered 7-year-old Megan Kanka - the 1994 crime that inspired “Megan’s Law”. It’s difficult for me to know what to make of this story. On the one hand, I am no proponent of capital punishment. Too many things can go wrong in the judicial process to attempt to exact such a final punishment, and the state should not be in the business of murdering people. But on the other hand, people who murder 7-year-old kids do not deserve the courtesies we typically extend to civilized human beings. Fortunately it isn’t something we’ll have to give much thought to as this creep will expire in prison.
In an unrelated Garden State story, in a scene straight out of the Shawshank Redemption, two inmates escaped the Union County Jail over the weekend leaving behind dummies in their beds, posters of bikini-clad women covering their escape routes and a note wishing the prison authorities a happy holidays. However, Union County officials aren’t laughing. Maybe they just lack a sense of humor. Maybe they’re just a little upset that they were taken in by the old hole-behind-the-poster trick.
Finally, both the Democratic and Republican presidential candidates held their final debates before the Iowa caucuses. I didn’t watch either of them, (thankfully) so I can’t say whether or not anything came of them, but if I were to hazard a guess I’d say they were completely useless. However, there have been some interesting shifts in the poll numbers. Obama and Huckabee are up, Clinton and Romney are down, and for some reason people continue to give money to Ron Paul. If people (Ron Paul supporters) are really that desperate to throw away their money, there’s a large green trash bin out in front of my house specifically designed to receive large bills. It’ll be there ‘till New Year’s Day. I also take cheques. And money orders.
Why do we play? Help me out Herm Edwards. We play to win the game. Apparently, Baltimore Ravens coach Brian Billick didn’t get the memo. That, or he just crumpled it up and threw it away. With 12 seconds left, the ball on the opponent’s one foot line, the clock stopped and no time outs, Billick elected to kick the game tying field goal instead of taking a shot at the end zone to try to win the game outright. Couple this with the Ravens inexplicable failure to center the ball between the hash marks for a Matt Stover field goal which could have redeemed them (had he not missed it just wide left) their opponent, the abysmal Miami Dolphins - who until yesterday had won a grand total of zero games all year long - proceeded to capture their first victory on a 63 yard pass from their psychic citrus quarterback Cleo Lemon to some guy named Greg in the ensuing overtime period. I was convinced that a Ravens defense led by the indomitable Ray Lewis simply had too much pride to allow themselves to be defeated by a team as dismal as the Dolphins - especially after coming to within three feet of defeating what may turn out to be the greatest football team in history two weeks ago. But I guess all the defensive pride in the world is useless if your coach and your offense don’t share it. So can we finally please stop hearing how much of an offensive genius Brian Billick is? An offensive genius would play to win the game. If you play not to lose, you certainly don’t deserve to win.
Note to Dallas Cowboys pretty boy Tony Romo, leave your girlfriends at home. Especially if her name is Jessica Simpson. I don’t want to make this into something it’s not, but there’s no denying the simple fact the two games to which Romo has brought his flavor of the month (previously American Idolette Carrie Underwood) have been two of worst games of his career. I understand that the whole point of being a superstar is to get the hot chicks, but you just can’t bring them to work. You don’t see Tom Brady bringing his supermodel girlfriend to Patriot games, do you? The moral of this story, blondes are bad for business.
In a sports related story, former senator George Mitchell released a report four years in the making on the subject of steroids in professional baseball. The report lists 90 current and former players - including the likes of New York Yankees pitchers Roger Clements and Andy Pettitte - and provides evidence of the purchase and use of performance enhancing drugs by said players. Of course, now that the report is out, the league, the owners and the union are all rushing to the first television camera they can find to explain to anyone who will listen how much of a travesty this is and how hard they are working to ensure the game is cleaned up, while the players’ lawyers all cued up behind one another to vehemently deny any wrongdoing. The problem with this report is that it comes about fifteen years too late. Since at least the early nineties everyone has at least suspected - if not known that steroids were rampant in baseball. But no one wanted to do anything about it. Why? To put it simply, “chicks dig the long ball.” Juiced up players crushing juiced up baseballs over the shorter fences of smaller ballparks were raking in money hand over fist. Testing players for performance enhancing substances would have lowered the rate of their use, which would have decrease the rate of offensive production and cut into revenues. And baseball simply couldn’t allow a little thing like substance abuse get in the way of profits. So they continued to ignore the issue until Congress threatened to revoke their anti-trust immunity if they didn’t at least pretend to address it. Ironically, Major League Baseball’s failure to address steroids sooner seems to have worked to their advantage. Things have been rumored and suspected for so long that now that an official “truth” has been revealed - nobody cares. Baseball players cheat, ho hum, tell us something we didn’t know. It’s sad that we seem to be at the point where we accept cheating as just another part of the game, but I guess on some level, we get exactly what we deserve.
The State of New Jersey has voted to eliminate capital punishment and replace it with life in prison without the possibility of parole. This is really something of a symbolic gesture as New Jersey has not executed anyone since 1963. But the interesting angle to this story is that one of the death row inmates who’s sentences were commuted happens to be the monster who raped and murdered 7-year-old Megan Kanka - the 1994 crime that inspired “Megan’s Law”. It’s difficult for me to know what to make of this story. On the one hand, I am no proponent of capital punishment. Too many things can go wrong in the judicial process to attempt to exact such a final punishment, and the state should not be in the business of murdering people. But on the other hand, people who murder 7-year-old kids do not deserve the courtesies we typically extend to civilized human beings. Fortunately it isn’t something we’ll have to give much thought to as this creep will expire in prison.
In an unrelated Garden State story, in a scene straight out of the Shawshank Redemption, two inmates escaped the Union County Jail over the weekend leaving behind dummies in their beds, posters of bikini-clad women covering their escape routes and a note wishing the prison authorities a happy holidays. However, Union County officials aren’t laughing. Maybe they just lack a sense of humor. Maybe they’re just a little upset that they were taken in by the old hole-behind-the-poster trick.
Finally, both the Democratic and Republican presidential candidates held their final debates before the Iowa caucuses. I didn’t watch either of them, (thankfully) so I can’t say whether or not anything came of them, but if I were to hazard a guess I’d say they were completely useless. However, there have been some interesting shifts in the poll numbers. Obama and Huckabee are up, Clinton and Romney are down, and for some reason people continue to give money to Ron Paul. If people (Ron Paul supporters) are really that desperate to throw away their money, there’s a large green trash bin out in front of my house specifically designed to receive large bills. It’ll be there ‘till New Year’s Day. I also take cheques. And money orders.
12.11.2007
...Or Your Money Back
I don’t know if anyone’s noticed, but there’s some guy in Dallas named Romo who thinks he’s some guy in Boston named Brady. He may have terrible taste in blondes, but I’m sure those victories taste pretty good. I much as I hate to admit it, Tony Romo and his Dallas Cowboys have proven at least three times this season that great players and great teams just find ways to win. Of course, the Detroit Lions deserve a little credit too – for artfully snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. After playing what could have been the second best 58 minutes of football they’ve played al season, the inability of the Lions to gain one final first down, kick a 40+ yard field goal, recover a fumble dropped in their laps and prevent Dallas from traversing the length of the field to in the final minute to beat them by a single point was absolutely astounding. Despite earlier indications to the contrary, it is pretty evident now that these are the same old Lions.
After two consecutive weeks of hanging on by their fingernails, the still perfect New England Patriots stepped up and laid the smack down on a tough Pittsburg Steelers team in a statement to the entire league that they are still running this show. After guaranteeing a victory earlier in the week, Steelers back-up safety Anthony Smith guaranteed himself a spot in Randy Moss and Jabar Gaffney’s highlight reels, getting beaten for touchdowns on at least three different plays. Remember when the sports guarantee used to mean something? Like ‘Broadway’ Joe Namath guaranteeing a victory in Superbowl III – and delivering one. Like Babe Ruth pointing to left field, then crushing the ball into the cheap seats for a home run. Now guarantees are made by guys named Smith who no one’s ever heard of and who can’t deliver the goods. How I long for the good old days.
If you want to see a grown man cry, keep an eye (and maybe a video camera) on the Man-genius on the New York sideline this Sunday when the Jets putter into Foxboro, only to be shoveled out with the snow drifts three hours later. I’d be willing to bet the coach won’t be the only Jet with icicles forming on his face after Brady puts up 70 points on them. They’ll be wishing they were back in Miami.
In a football related story, former Atlanta Falcons quarterback and admitted canine killer Michael Vick was sentenced today to 23 months in prison for his roll in an illegal dog-fighting ring. Vick appeared in court chewing gum and wearing what he may have mistaken for a referee’s uniform, displaying no emotion as the judge read his pronouncement. So, for almost the next two years, Vick and his cohorts will spend their time inside the cages, while the dogs patrol outside. I think there may be a little justice there somewhere.
Mitt Romney gave what has been referred to as his “John Kennedy” speech on religion in politics last week. According to numerous opinion polls, there is a significant portion of the electorate unwilling to vote for a Mormon president based solely on the fact he or she is a Mormon. Being a Mormon, Romney felt the need to address this fact in an attempt calm those voters fearing the unknown of a Mormon presidency. So, former governor Romney stood before a small crowd at the George H.W. Bush Presidential Library and explained that he is a man of faith (Mormon faith), his faith has shaped his values, and his values will determine his actions as president, not his faith. Which shaped his values. The speech was surprisingly well received. I say surprisingly because I’m not sure what we know about Mitt Romney now that we didn’t know before he spoke. But apparently the act of a politician simply getting up in front of a bunch of people and telling them exactly what they already know is enough to swing a few votes in the candidate’s favor. Who says you can’t get something for nothing?
Late last week the CIA admitted they had destroyed videotapes they had made of the interrogations of several terrorism suspects. Word is that said videotapes contain footage of the suspects being subjected to “enhanced” interrogation techniques – including the controversial practice of waterboarding. CIA director Michael Hayden said that the tapes were destroyed because they no longer held any intelligence value, were not relevant to any investigation, and the agency needed to protect the identities of the interrogators. Unfortunately for the agency, at least one and probably two of those statements are in dispute. Apparently the CIA is unfamiliar with the “Classified” designation, and I guess that with this administration, “relevant” is and entirely subjective term. Hayden also suggested another reason the proceedings were recorded in the first place was to provide evidence that the interrogations were being conducted lawfully, in accordance with newly authorized guidelines. If that were the case, why would the agency destroy the only physical evidence supporting that claim?
The Supreme Court ruled today by a 7-2 majority that Federal Sentencing Guidelines – at least in reference to narcotics crimes – are just that, guideline. Trial court judges are allowed the discretion to hand down sentences greater or less than those spelled out in the guidelines. This may seem like a no-brainer due to the fact that the Federal Sentencing Guidelines are not the Federal Sentencing Mandates, but this has been a big deal for many years. This case comes from the disparity in sentencing for crack cocaine users versus powder cocaine users. Despite the fact that both addicts use different derivatives of the same drug, the smokers received much more time in prison than the snorters. It also just so happens that most convicted smokers happen to be black, while most convicted snorters happen to be white. So the smokers sued to receive the same sentences as the snorters. I think the smokers might have been better served if they had chosen to, oh, I don’t know, STOP SMOKING CRACK! But I guess equal jail time will have to suffice.
A nineteen-year-old loser took his automatic rifle shopping with him to an Omaha, Nebraska mall last week and killed eight people before turning the gun on himself. His suicide note left the impression he was upset and depressed over being kicked out of his parents’ house, dumped by his girlfriend, and fired from his job at McDonalds. Great, now every time some kid asks me if I want fries with that I have to look over his shoulder for the AK-47. I’m sorry, but this whole murder-suicide thing is getting old. If your life is SO terrible, SO awful that you feel to just HAVE to end it, then PLEASE, kill yourself FIRST, THEN, if you still feel you must, shoot some other people.
In a bizarre – if not obscure story out of Syracuse, New York, about a dozen high school girls, ages 11 to 14 took naked pictures of themselves with their cell phones and sent them to their boyfriends, who of course promptly posted them on the Internet. One of these boys is 17-year-old honor student Michael Wixson, and because he is 17 he has been charged with distributing nude pictures of underage girls. Now maybe I’m old school, but why do 11 year olds even have camera phones, never mind why they feel it is perfectly acceptable to take naked pictures of themselves and send them to people! I’m sure it has something to parenting – or the obvious lack thereof, but I’ll try not to speculate. More importantly, when did kids begin to skip childhood completely and proceed straight to being an adult? Eleven year olds should be throwing snowballs and skateboarding and complaining about having to take piano lessons, not flashing their wares on YouTube and the like. Nudity is for adults, people! Not children! To borrow some words of wisdom from a great animated American, there is a time and a place for everything. It’s called college. If 20-year-old women want to take naked pictures of themselves with their camera phones and send them to people, fine, more power to you. Heck, send them to me if you want. Seriously. Send them. But can we please just let children be children for a while? I have never heard anyone say “you know what, I wish I could have grown up so much faster than I did.”
Finally, in case you thought you had seen everything, the hot new item in death this year is the digital tombstone. That’s right, you can select your favorite headstone design from the manufacturer’s catalog – or design your own if you’re feeling creative, and built into the monument you will receive a weatherproof full color LCD screen activated via infrared sensor displaying audio and video of whatever portion of your life story you or your loved ones choose to include. So now, even when you are gone, you’re never really gone. Am I the only one who finds this more than a little disturbing? Didn’t get your 15 minutes of fame while you were alive? No problem, film something special and make the six o’clock after you’re dead. Don’t like that crazy annoying uncle, record yourself cutting him out of the will and play it at your grave forever and ever. I think there is something to be said for being dead and gone. Everybody dies. Don’t digitally haunt everyone once you’ve moved on.
After two consecutive weeks of hanging on by their fingernails, the still perfect New England Patriots stepped up and laid the smack down on a tough Pittsburg Steelers team in a statement to the entire league that they are still running this show. After guaranteeing a victory earlier in the week, Steelers back-up safety Anthony Smith guaranteed himself a spot in Randy Moss and Jabar Gaffney’s highlight reels, getting beaten for touchdowns on at least three different plays. Remember when the sports guarantee used to mean something? Like ‘Broadway’ Joe Namath guaranteeing a victory in Superbowl III – and delivering one. Like Babe Ruth pointing to left field, then crushing the ball into the cheap seats for a home run. Now guarantees are made by guys named Smith who no one’s ever heard of and who can’t deliver the goods. How I long for the good old days.
If you want to see a grown man cry, keep an eye (and maybe a video camera) on the Man-genius on the New York sideline this Sunday when the Jets putter into Foxboro, only to be shoveled out with the snow drifts three hours later. I’d be willing to bet the coach won’t be the only Jet with icicles forming on his face after Brady puts up 70 points on them. They’ll be wishing they were back in Miami.
In a football related story, former Atlanta Falcons quarterback and admitted canine killer Michael Vick was sentenced today to 23 months in prison for his roll in an illegal dog-fighting ring. Vick appeared in court chewing gum and wearing what he may have mistaken for a referee’s uniform, displaying no emotion as the judge read his pronouncement. So, for almost the next two years, Vick and his cohorts will spend their time inside the cages, while the dogs patrol outside. I think there may be a little justice there somewhere.
Mitt Romney gave what has been referred to as his “John Kennedy” speech on religion in politics last week. According to numerous opinion polls, there is a significant portion of the electorate unwilling to vote for a Mormon president based solely on the fact he or she is a Mormon. Being a Mormon, Romney felt the need to address this fact in an attempt calm those voters fearing the unknown of a Mormon presidency. So, former governor Romney stood before a small crowd at the George H.W. Bush Presidential Library and explained that he is a man of faith (Mormon faith), his faith has shaped his values, and his values will determine his actions as president, not his faith. Which shaped his values. The speech was surprisingly well received. I say surprisingly because I’m not sure what we know about Mitt Romney now that we didn’t know before he spoke. But apparently the act of a politician simply getting up in front of a bunch of people and telling them exactly what they already know is enough to swing a few votes in the candidate’s favor. Who says you can’t get something for nothing?
Late last week the CIA admitted they had destroyed videotapes they had made of the interrogations of several terrorism suspects. Word is that said videotapes contain footage of the suspects being subjected to “enhanced” interrogation techniques – including the controversial practice of waterboarding. CIA director Michael Hayden said that the tapes were destroyed because they no longer held any intelligence value, were not relevant to any investigation, and the agency needed to protect the identities of the interrogators. Unfortunately for the agency, at least one and probably two of those statements are in dispute. Apparently the CIA is unfamiliar with the “Classified” designation, and I guess that with this administration, “relevant” is and entirely subjective term. Hayden also suggested another reason the proceedings were recorded in the first place was to provide evidence that the interrogations were being conducted lawfully, in accordance with newly authorized guidelines. If that were the case, why would the agency destroy the only physical evidence supporting that claim?
The Supreme Court ruled today by a 7-2 majority that Federal Sentencing Guidelines – at least in reference to narcotics crimes – are just that, guideline. Trial court judges are allowed the discretion to hand down sentences greater or less than those spelled out in the guidelines. This may seem like a no-brainer due to the fact that the Federal Sentencing Guidelines are not the Federal Sentencing Mandates, but this has been a big deal for many years. This case comes from the disparity in sentencing for crack cocaine users versus powder cocaine users. Despite the fact that both addicts use different derivatives of the same drug, the smokers received much more time in prison than the snorters. It also just so happens that most convicted smokers happen to be black, while most convicted snorters happen to be white. So the smokers sued to receive the same sentences as the snorters. I think the smokers might have been better served if they had chosen to, oh, I don’t know, STOP SMOKING CRACK! But I guess equal jail time will have to suffice.
A nineteen-year-old loser took his automatic rifle shopping with him to an Omaha, Nebraska mall last week and killed eight people before turning the gun on himself. His suicide note left the impression he was upset and depressed over being kicked out of his parents’ house, dumped by his girlfriend, and fired from his job at McDonalds. Great, now every time some kid asks me if I want fries with that I have to look over his shoulder for the AK-47. I’m sorry, but this whole murder-suicide thing is getting old. If your life is SO terrible, SO awful that you feel to just HAVE to end it, then PLEASE, kill yourself FIRST, THEN, if you still feel you must, shoot some other people.
In a bizarre – if not obscure story out of Syracuse, New York, about a dozen high school girls, ages 11 to 14 took naked pictures of themselves with their cell phones and sent them to their boyfriends, who of course promptly posted them on the Internet. One of these boys is 17-year-old honor student Michael Wixson, and because he is 17 he has been charged with distributing nude pictures of underage girls. Now maybe I’m old school, but why do 11 year olds even have camera phones, never mind why they feel it is perfectly acceptable to take naked pictures of themselves and send them to people! I’m sure it has something to parenting – or the obvious lack thereof, but I’ll try not to speculate. More importantly, when did kids begin to skip childhood completely and proceed straight to being an adult? Eleven year olds should be throwing snowballs and skateboarding and complaining about having to take piano lessons, not flashing their wares on YouTube and the like. Nudity is for adults, people! Not children! To borrow some words of wisdom from a great animated American, there is a time and a place for everything. It’s called college. If 20-year-old women want to take naked pictures of themselves with their camera phones and send them to people, fine, more power to you. Heck, send them to me if you want. Seriously. Send them. But can we please just let children be children for a while? I have never heard anyone say “you know what, I wish I could have grown up so much faster than I did.”
Finally, in case you thought you had seen everything, the hot new item in death this year is the digital tombstone. That’s right, you can select your favorite headstone design from the manufacturer’s catalog – or design your own if you’re feeling creative, and built into the monument you will receive a weatherproof full color LCD screen activated via infrared sensor displaying audio and video of whatever portion of your life story you or your loved ones choose to include. So now, even when you are gone, you’re never really gone. Am I the only one who finds this more than a little disturbing? Didn’t get your 15 minutes of fame while you were alive? No problem, film something special and make the six o’clock after you’re dead. Don’t like that crazy annoying uncle, record yourself cutting him out of the will and play it at your grave forever and ever. I think there is something to be said for being dead and gone. Everybody dies. Don’t digitally haunt everyone once you’ve moved on.
12.04.2007
Conspiracy I Tell You. A c-o-n... spiracy.
Ah Monday. A little overtime at work, a little homemade spaghetti sauce, a little more football on television. It’s almost like I have a real life.
Football first. Who kidnapped the New England Patriots? Someone please explain to me how a team can be so utterly dominant through ten games, and so average through the next two?
Anyway, the goat of the week goes to Hall of Fame coach Joe Gibbs. With four seconds left in the game and his team leading by two, Gibbs called a timeout to ice Buffalo place kicker Rian Lindell prior to his 51 yard game-winning attempt. Then, right before Lindell laced into his do-over, Gibbs called timeout again. Only one problem. You can’t call consecutive timeouts. It’s illegal. Against the rules. Can’t do it. And everybody know that. Everyone - except Joe Gibbs. With the week the Washington Redskins had, they really needed some good news. And for a coaching legend to lose the game on a rookie mistake just says all you need to know about the kind of season Washington is having.
Co-goat of the week goes to last year’s coach of the year, Sean Payton. With his Saints in control of the ball and a three point lead with three minutes to play, Payton inexplicably called a bone-headed flea-flicker running-back pitch wide-receiver reverse kinda something, which was subsequently fumbled and turned into the winning touchdown for the opposing Buccaneers. I simply can’t believe that was the best play Payton could find on his little laminated sheet. It’s bad enough losing to a bunch of pirates. But to go out on a play that should never even have been called is again, all you need to know about the kind of season the Saints are having.
In a welcome reversal of fortune, Sudaneese president Omar al-Bashir has pardoned British schoolteacher Gillian Gibbons and sent her on her way back to England. Gibbons originally ran afoul of local law when she allowed the class she was teaching to name a teddy bear after the prophet Mohammed. Ms. Gibbons is said to be in high spirits and wishes to remain in Sudan and continue teaching. Well, Ms. Gibbons is obviously a little crazy. Less than a week ago, angry men waving swords in the streets were calling for her to be executed. Take the job and shove it Ms. Gibbons. You have a free ticket out of one of the most dysfunctional countries in the world. Take it and run.
In report released today, U.S. Intelligence admitted that Iran is not currently attempting to build nuclear weapons, and hasn’t been since 2003. This is decidedly different from what the administration and every like-minded presidential candidate has been contending since the “Axis of Evil” speech. The administration was quick to add however, that Iran could restart the program at any time and must still be considered a threat. I think I’m feeling a little deja vu. I’d swear there was some other country the administration declared to be a weapons of mass destruction clear and present danger - until it was discovered it was not a clear and present danger, and the rational became they could at some point be a clear and present danger - oh, and they’re really bad guys too. At least we got this one straightened out before we went in with guns blazing.
International superstar and all around good-looking guy Brad Pitt has announced that he will donate 5 million dollars of his own money to finance the construction of 150 homes in New Orleans devastated 9th Ward. Kudos to Brad - and to all the others who have put their names and money on the line to help rebuild one of America’s great cities. This could also be an opportunity for Pitt to raise a little additional money for his rebuilding effort. Even thought he is now firmly planted in middle age at 43 years old, I believe there are still many women - and maybe even some men (paging Larry Craig?) who might exchange a small donation for the opportunity to pound some nails, wire some sockets and fit some pipes with a shirtless, rippling muscle-bound Mr. Angelina Jolie. He could turn it into some sort of reality show. Build It with Brad. Bigger and Better with Brad. Brad’s Bayou Bungalows. Help me out here.
Former pretend district attorney turned presidential candidate Fred Thompson is apparently tired of hearing that he’s not religiously expressive enough to capture the Republican nomination. In an interview with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer (does anyone believe that is his real name?), Thompson responded to those accusations saying, “I’m okay with the Lord, and the Lord is okay with me as far as I can tell.” Now while all of this may be true, and the Lord may very well be “okay” with Fred, I’m a little disturbed by the dogged determination of the Republican candidates to out-disciple one another. There seems to be serious a competition between several - if not most of them to determine which is most pious and deserving of the support of the faithful. The Pharisees would be so proud.
Rumor has it that it is now Tuesday. I can neither confirm nor deny this, but it does feel like I’ve been at work for about a week already.
The Baltimore Ravens played a game for the ages against the best team in football last night - and lost. But instead of taking it like men, they’re whining like little children. Whining doesn’t suit men like Ray Lewis. It makes them look stupid. This isn’t Superbowl XL. There were no phantom holding calls, no goalline touchdowns that weren’t, no cut blocks that weren’t blocks at all. The officials didn’t force the Ravens coaches to call timeout when they shouldn’t have. The officials didn’t hold Patriots receivers in the endzone. The officials didn’t force the Ravens to throw the penalty flags into the stands, or prevent them from gaining a single first down when it mattered in the fourth quarter. The Ravens did all those things. And it cost them the game. But if Baltimore had been playing all year the way they played last night, they wouldn’t be at the bottom of their division and in the midst of a lost season. Quit whining and play football.
At an arena in Pennsylvania over the weekend fans got more than their money’s worth when the Zamboni cleaning the ice suddenly burst into flame and subsequently exploded. Imagine that. You go to a hockey game and an action movie breaks out. Somebody call Gary Bettman. Tell him we may have found a way to get Americans to watch the NHL. Promise a little pyro at the end of the second intermission during every game and in no time league viewership should at least be equal to that of celebrity poker. At least.
Researchers in Japan have discovered that human beings may very well be dumb as rocks. In their experiment, Ayumu the chimp engaged 12 volunteer college students in multiple tests of memory - and whooped them all. In fact, Ayumu correctly recalled the number sequences approximately 80% of the time, while the college students maxed-out at between 30 and 50%. That’s right. In the grand tradition of squirrels that waterski and chickens that play tic-tac-toe, the animal kingdom has once again discovered something it can do better than we can. No word on how much alcohol was consumed by the human test subjects prior to the memory exercises. But it does raise an interesting point. The next time someone tells you a trained monkey could do something, they’re probably right.
Finally, the National Football League has selected Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers to host this year’s Superbowl Halftime Show. Now I realize that I’m one of the six people in the entire country who actually watches the Superbowl for the football and not the commercials, but this halftime show business is getting ridiculous. Seriously, is there no one under the age of 60 capable of strapping on a guitar, cranking up an amplifier and entertaining anyone not buying a six dollar beer or waiting in line for the bathroom? Anybody? How many people in the coveted 18-35 year old male demographic actually know who - or what a Tom Petty is? Don’t get me wrong, I like Tom Petty. You Wreck Me, Mary Jane’s Last Dance, all that great stuff. Nothing wrong with the jolly old geezers. But is it too much to ask to get someone who hasn’t had a hip replacement? Apparently the league is still terrified of another “wardrobe malfunction.” (You may have noticed that no female performer has been allowed near a live broadcast since February 2004.) But wouldn’t you rather risk the wardrobe malfunction than be stuck with guys who fall out of coconut trees and snort their father’s ashes? Looks like another year of the Puppy Bowl at half time. Hmm. Wonder if I can sneak the Lingerie Bowl onto the satellite bill this year.
Football first. Who kidnapped the New England Patriots? Someone please explain to me how a team can be so utterly dominant through ten games, and so average through the next two?
Anyway, the goat of the week goes to Hall of Fame coach Joe Gibbs. With four seconds left in the game and his team leading by two, Gibbs called a timeout to ice Buffalo place kicker Rian Lindell prior to his 51 yard game-winning attempt. Then, right before Lindell laced into his do-over, Gibbs called timeout again. Only one problem. You can’t call consecutive timeouts. It’s illegal. Against the rules. Can’t do it. And everybody know that. Everyone - except Joe Gibbs. With the week the Washington Redskins had, they really needed some good news. And for a coaching legend to lose the game on a rookie mistake just says all you need to know about the kind of season Washington is having.
Co-goat of the week goes to last year’s coach of the year, Sean Payton. With his Saints in control of the ball and a three point lead with three minutes to play, Payton inexplicably called a bone-headed flea-flicker running-back pitch wide-receiver reverse kinda something, which was subsequently fumbled and turned into the winning touchdown for the opposing Buccaneers. I simply can’t believe that was the best play Payton could find on his little laminated sheet. It’s bad enough losing to a bunch of pirates. But to go out on a play that should never even have been called is again, all you need to know about the kind of season the Saints are having.
In a welcome reversal of fortune, Sudaneese president Omar al-Bashir has pardoned British schoolteacher Gillian Gibbons and sent her on her way back to England. Gibbons originally ran afoul of local law when she allowed the class she was teaching to name a teddy bear after the prophet Mohammed. Ms. Gibbons is said to be in high spirits and wishes to remain in Sudan and continue teaching. Well, Ms. Gibbons is obviously a little crazy. Less than a week ago, angry men waving swords in the streets were calling for her to be executed. Take the job and shove it Ms. Gibbons. You have a free ticket out of one of the most dysfunctional countries in the world. Take it and run.
In report released today, U.S. Intelligence admitted that Iran is not currently attempting to build nuclear weapons, and hasn’t been since 2003. This is decidedly different from what the administration and every like-minded presidential candidate has been contending since the “Axis of Evil” speech. The administration was quick to add however, that Iran could restart the program at any time and must still be considered a threat. I think I’m feeling a little deja vu. I’d swear there was some other country the administration declared to be a weapons of mass destruction clear and present danger - until it was discovered it was not a clear and present danger, and the rational became they could at some point be a clear and present danger - oh, and they’re really bad guys too. At least we got this one straightened out before we went in with guns blazing.
International superstar and all around good-looking guy Brad Pitt has announced that he will donate 5 million dollars of his own money to finance the construction of 150 homes in New Orleans devastated 9th Ward. Kudos to Brad - and to all the others who have put their names and money on the line to help rebuild one of America’s great cities. This could also be an opportunity for Pitt to raise a little additional money for his rebuilding effort. Even thought he is now firmly planted in middle age at 43 years old, I believe there are still many women - and maybe even some men (paging Larry Craig?) who might exchange a small donation for the opportunity to pound some nails, wire some sockets and fit some pipes with a shirtless, rippling muscle-bound Mr. Angelina Jolie. He could turn it into some sort of reality show. Build It with Brad. Bigger and Better with Brad. Brad’s Bayou Bungalows. Help me out here.
Former pretend district attorney turned presidential candidate Fred Thompson is apparently tired of hearing that he’s not religiously expressive enough to capture the Republican nomination. In an interview with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer (does anyone believe that is his real name?), Thompson responded to those accusations saying, “I’m okay with the Lord, and the Lord is okay with me as far as I can tell.” Now while all of this may be true, and the Lord may very well be “okay” with Fred, I’m a little disturbed by the dogged determination of the Republican candidates to out-disciple one another. There seems to be serious a competition between several - if not most of them to determine which is most pious and deserving of the support of the faithful. The Pharisees would be so proud.
Rumor has it that it is now Tuesday. I can neither confirm nor deny this, but it does feel like I’ve been at work for about a week already.
The Baltimore Ravens played a game for the ages against the best team in football last night - and lost. But instead of taking it like men, they’re whining like little children. Whining doesn’t suit men like Ray Lewis. It makes them look stupid. This isn’t Superbowl XL. There were no phantom holding calls, no goalline touchdowns that weren’t, no cut blocks that weren’t blocks at all. The officials didn’t force the Ravens coaches to call timeout when they shouldn’t have. The officials didn’t hold Patriots receivers in the endzone. The officials didn’t force the Ravens to throw the penalty flags into the stands, or prevent them from gaining a single first down when it mattered in the fourth quarter. The Ravens did all those things. And it cost them the game. But if Baltimore had been playing all year the way they played last night, they wouldn’t be at the bottom of their division and in the midst of a lost season. Quit whining and play football.
At an arena in Pennsylvania over the weekend fans got more than their money’s worth when the Zamboni cleaning the ice suddenly burst into flame and subsequently exploded. Imagine that. You go to a hockey game and an action movie breaks out. Somebody call Gary Bettman. Tell him we may have found a way to get Americans to watch the NHL. Promise a little pyro at the end of the second intermission during every game and in no time league viewership should at least be equal to that of celebrity poker. At least.
Researchers in Japan have discovered that human beings may very well be dumb as rocks. In their experiment, Ayumu the chimp engaged 12 volunteer college students in multiple tests of memory - and whooped them all. In fact, Ayumu correctly recalled the number sequences approximately 80% of the time, while the college students maxed-out at between 30 and 50%. That’s right. In the grand tradition of squirrels that waterski and chickens that play tic-tac-toe, the animal kingdom has once again discovered something it can do better than we can. No word on how much alcohol was consumed by the human test subjects prior to the memory exercises. But it does raise an interesting point. The next time someone tells you a trained monkey could do something, they’re probably right.
Finally, the National Football League has selected Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers to host this year’s Superbowl Halftime Show. Now I realize that I’m one of the six people in the entire country who actually watches the Superbowl for the football and not the commercials, but this halftime show business is getting ridiculous. Seriously, is there no one under the age of 60 capable of strapping on a guitar, cranking up an amplifier and entertaining anyone not buying a six dollar beer or waiting in line for the bathroom? Anybody? How many people in the coveted 18-35 year old male demographic actually know who - or what a Tom Petty is? Don’t get me wrong, I like Tom Petty. You Wreck Me, Mary Jane’s Last Dance, all that great stuff. Nothing wrong with the jolly old geezers. But is it too much to ask to get someone who hasn’t had a hip replacement? Apparently the league is still terrified of another “wardrobe malfunction.” (You may have noticed that no female performer has been allowed near a live broadcast since February 2004.) But wouldn’t you rather risk the wardrobe malfunction than be stuck with guys who fall out of coconut trees and snort their father’s ashes? Looks like another year of the Puppy Bowl at half time. Hmm. Wonder if I can sneak the Lingerie Bowl onto the satellite bill this year.
11.28.2007
Skeletons in the Closet?
What do you want in a Presidential candidate? Political Experience? Leadership? Good looks, nice hair, a well tailored suit perhaps? How about honesty? Is honesty truly important in a candidate? Think about it carefully before you answer, because what people say and what they really believe are apparently two different things.
Consider the following. In his book “The Audacity of Hope,” as well as several speaking engagements, Senator Barack Obama admits that there was a time in his life when he engaged in some unwise behavior – in particular, his high school experimentation with alcohol and drugs. He has also stated, in no uncertain terms, that his drug use was a mistake of his youth and certainly something he is not proud of. Some people might call such disclosure honesty from a politician. Others, like former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney call that “unwise.”
According to governor Romney, “in order to leave the best possible example for our kids, (why is everything about the kids?) we’re probably not wisest to talk about our own indiscretions in great detail.” These words of wisdom contain a couple, oh, let’s call them errors, but one overarching truth.
First, simply stating that one has used drugs and alcohol does not constitute a description in “great detail.” For a description of drug use in great detail, rent Trainspotting or Pulp Fiction.
Second, kids may be a lot things, but they are not stupid. They may act stupid, they may do stupid things and they might make stupid decisions, but they are not stupid. They know a phony when they see one. Do you think there was one kid in America who believed Bill Clinton when he made the asinine statement that he tried marijuana but didn’t inhale? Everybody knows he inhaled – probably more than once – on multiple occasions. Do you think there was one high school or college kid in America who believed Bill Clinton when he said he did not have sex with that woman? We certainly were HOPING that the President of the United States of America could do better than Monica Lewinsky, but we all KNEW better. Nothing damages your credibility with kids more than telling them something is one way, then having them find out later on that it isn’t. We defer to soldiers in discussions of military tactics, we defer to physicians in discussions of medicine, why would we not assign greater credibility to someone who has defeated the demons of drugs and alcohol when discussing their harmful effects with children?
Those two minor details aside, the implication of Romney’s statement is absolutely correct. He is well aware of one simple fact. The voting public is extremely uncomfortable with the idea of an honest candidate. It simply doesn’t make any sense. If a candidate were truly honest, why would he or she need a team of handlers and public relations personnel to control his or her image in the media? It doesn’t matter how revealing a candidate is, people will always assume that there is a deeper, darker, dirtier secret tucked away in their closet. We don’t want the truth about our elected officials straight from the source, we want it from the breathless CNN reporter live on the scene with the hastily prepared notes, the producer breaking in on the earpiece, and the stupid quote from the wacky neighbor. We don’t want honesty. We want scandal. Because it doesn’t feel like the truth unless we “discover” it for ourselves. Then - and only then – after we have outed them and shamed them and demanded they repent their sins and throw themselves on the mercy of the public, then we inform them that this entire charade could have been avoided if they had just been honest with everyone to begin with. “If only he had just come out and told everyone that he tried drugs in high school, realized they were dangerous and never touched them again we would have understood and not penalized him for it.” Right?
I don’t have an explanation for the gotcha culture we so gleefully embrace. Nor and I gullible enough to believe that in most cases, honesty from a politician is anything more than an attempt to cover his or her butt from any future scandal. But every now and then it is refreshing to run across a candidate who is unafraid to discuss at least a portion of his past most others would be too afraid to confront. Someone who feels that sometimes more information, presented in context, really is better than less. I think I know who’s America I’d rather live in.
Consider the following. In his book “The Audacity of Hope,” as well as several speaking engagements, Senator Barack Obama admits that there was a time in his life when he engaged in some unwise behavior – in particular, his high school experimentation with alcohol and drugs. He has also stated, in no uncertain terms, that his drug use was a mistake of his youth and certainly something he is not proud of. Some people might call such disclosure honesty from a politician. Others, like former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney call that “unwise.”
According to governor Romney, “in order to leave the best possible example for our kids, (why is everything about the kids?) we’re probably not wisest to talk about our own indiscretions in great detail.” These words of wisdom contain a couple, oh, let’s call them errors, but one overarching truth.
First, simply stating that one has used drugs and alcohol does not constitute a description in “great detail.” For a description of drug use in great detail, rent Trainspotting or Pulp Fiction.
Second, kids may be a lot things, but they are not stupid. They may act stupid, they may do stupid things and they might make stupid decisions, but they are not stupid. They know a phony when they see one. Do you think there was one kid in America who believed Bill Clinton when he made the asinine statement that he tried marijuana but didn’t inhale? Everybody knows he inhaled – probably more than once – on multiple occasions. Do you think there was one high school or college kid in America who believed Bill Clinton when he said he did not have sex with that woman? We certainly were HOPING that the President of the United States of America could do better than Monica Lewinsky, but we all KNEW better. Nothing damages your credibility with kids more than telling them something is one way, then having them find out later on that it isn’t. We defer to soldiers in discussions of military tactics, we defer to physicians in discussions of medicine, why would we not assign greater credibility to someone who has defeated the demons of drugs and alcohol when discussing their harmful effects with children?
Those two minor details aside, the implication of Romney’s statement is absolutely correct. He is well aware of one simple fact. The voting public is extremely uncomfortable with the idea of an honest candidate. It simply doesn’t make any sense. If a candidate were truly honest, why would he or she need a team of handlers and public relations personnel to control his or her image in the media? It doesn’t matter how revealing a candidate is, people will always assume that there is a deeper, darker, dirtier secret tucked away in their closet. We don’t want the truth about our elected officials straight from the source, we want it from the breathless CNN reporter live on the scene with the hastily prepared notes, the producer breaking in on the earpiece, and the stupid quote from the wacky neighbor. We don’t want honesty. We want scandal. Because it doesn’t feel like the truth unless we “discover” it for ourselves. Then - and only then – after we have outed them and shamed them and demanded they repent their sins and throw themselves on the mercy of the public, then we inform them that this entire charade could have been avoided if they had just been honest with everyone to begin with. “If only he had just come out and told everyone that he tried drugs in high school, realized they were dangerous and never touched them again we would have understood and not penalized him for it.” Right?
I don’t have an explanation for the gotcha culture we so gleefully embrace. Nor and I gullible enough to believe that in most cases, honesty from a politician is anything more than an attempt to cover his or her butt from any future scandal. But every now and then it is refreshing to run across a candidate who is unafraid to discuss at least a portion of his past most others would be too afraid to confront. Someone who feels that sometimes more information, presented in context, really is better than less. I think I know who’s America I’d rather live in.
11.27.2007
Aliens in America
I hope everyone is finished with the turkey hangovers and well into the Christmas spirit. Lord knows the retailers are. Of course they’ve been jingling the bells since the day after Halloween. Why can’t we just focus on one holiday at a time - preferably in chronological order?
The Dumbass of the Week award goes - without question - to Denver Broncos punter and kickoff “specialist” Todd Sauerbrun. Not only did he waste a considerable amount of videotape and ink trash talking the greatest kick returner in the history of football, he actually displayed the hubris to kick him the ball! Not once, but twice! Both of which (one punt and one kick-off) were promptly returned for touchdowns. And as if sounding stupid and feeling stupid weren’t bad enough, Sauerbrun also made himself look ridiculous being hurdled by Hester on one return and juked out of his shoes in a feeble attempt to make a tackle on the other. Oh, and did I mention he also had a punt blocked? I’m not sure what he was thinking when he did those things - or if he was thinking at all, but one thing is for certain, Todd Sauerbrun ain’t no Josh Brown.
The city of San Francisco has banned the use of plastic grocery bags within the city limits. The city council has decided plastic bags take up too much room in landfills, damage the environment, and are just too darn convenient for its socially enlightened citizens. There is no word as yet on how this will affect the ability of the city’s homeless to collect the bottles and cans to return for the deposits. However, baggers will now be required to ask customers, “will that be paper or six acne-ridden teenaged boys to carry your seventeen paper bags up the three-hundred foot, sixty-degree incline to your apartment?”
According to a CNN report, ankle deep snowdrifts are sparking spontaneous snowball fights in parts of Texas. I realize CNN is a fairly reputable news organization, but that report is completely false. There is no such thing as an ankle deep snowdrift. Ankle deep snowfall, perhaps. But ankle deep snowdrifts do not exist. A snowdrift requires a considerable volume of snow - at least enough to build up into something resembling a mound or hill. A mound the size of ones ankle can be considered little more than a rut. Apparently the snowdrifts are the only things that are not bigger in Texas.
Doctors discovered this morning that Vice President Cheney suffers from an irregular heartbeat stemming from atrial fibrillation. I didn’t realize androids had atriums. It may be time to bring the real Cheney out of the bunker for a second round of cloning.
Authorities in the Netherlands arrested Joran van der Sloot for the millionth time Monday and shipped him back to Aruba, where he and Kalpoe brothers Deepak and Satish face charges of “involvement in the voluntary manslaughter of Natalee Holloway, or causing serious bodily harm to Natalee Holloway, resulting in her death.” Though we’ve been down this road before, and a body has yet to be found, Aruban authorities believe they may now have enough evidence to finally put this case to rest. I hope they’re right. The fewer unsolved disappearances of pretty white women, the better off the rest of us will be.
This coming Wednesday, CNN will waste everybody’s evening yet again with another YouTube debate – this time with the Republican candidates. The first time this happened viewers were treated to video after webcam video of yahoos donning costumes and stupid hats, and singing or acting out the same lame questions every debate moderator has asked since Kennedy made Nixon look like a stiff sweaty used car salesman in 1960. (Why is it that if you give someone a webcam they will immediately make an idiot of themselves) Then to top it off, we were told that this worthless pile of crap was great, and fantastic and the wave of the future. I can’t wait for round two. Seriously. Let’s hurry up and get this over with so I can go back to watching squirrels bury acorns in my front lawn.
State prosecutors have charged Dover, New Hampshire congressional candidate Gary Dodds of faking a car accident and disappearance in April in order to gain publicity for his 2006 Congressional campaign. After a 24 hour large scale search, Dodds was found with what his lawyer described as a concussion, situational amnesia, severe frostbite and nerve damage.” How terrible is your campaign that the best idea you can come up with is to careen into oncoming traffic, slither away from the wreckage and hide out in the woods for a day in what must have been inappropriate clothing? On second thought, maybe that’s why your campaign went so poorly.
Puerto Rican beauty queen Ingrid Marie Rivera won the right to represent her island at the 2008 Miss Universe pageant, despite first having her gowns stolen, then later having her make-up and collection of new evening gowns coated with pepper spray. Sorta lends a whole new meaning to the term “spicy Latina woman.” I know, bad joke, I’m sorry. Apparently people confused this beauty contest with an episode of the Jerry Springer Show. Take a step back people. It’s women in hideous one-piece swimsuits, strutting around in heels and praying for world peace. Not Survivor Puerto Rico.
Finally, in what may be the best Associated Press story of the week, the state of New Mexico has kicked off a new tourism campaign featuring “drooling, grotesque office workers from outer space chatting about their personal lives.” In an oblique reference to New Mexico’s world - and perhaps galaxy famous Roswell incident of 1947, the space alien conversations all lead back to the tag line that New Mexico might be “the best place in the universe.” Never having been there I can neither confirm nor deny the truth of that statement, but that is one seriously funny ad campaign. Of course, like all good advertisements, these have their detractors. Critics say the ads reduce the standards of the state and fail to feature the things New Mexico is known for. Okay, what is New Mexico known for? I have no idea. Colorado has skiing; Arizona has the Grand Canyon, Nevada has casinos, California has the ocean, Utah has Mormons, and New Mexico has... aliens, right? It seems like almost everything one could find in New Mexico could be found in any of the surrounding states. So in order to differentiate from the neighbors, you have to pick something that makes you unique and play that up. And if that something just happens to be aliens, then so be it. Perhaps the particular type of alien needs revision - a little less like Starship Troopers, a little more like ALF. But they came a REALLY long way to visit, and they didn’t stop off in the Napa Valley, or at a golf course in Flagstaff, or drop fifty large at the MGM Grand. They came to New Mexico damn it! A desert in the middle of a desert! Embrace it. It’s your heritage. As weird and freaky as that may be.
The Dumbass of the Week award goes - without question - to Denver Broncos punter and kickoff “specialist” Todd Sauerbrun. Not only did he waste a considerable amount of videotape and ink trash talking the greatest kick returner in the history of football, he actually displayed the hubris to kick him the ball! Not once, but twice! Both of which (one punt and one kick-off) were promptly returned for touchdowns. And as if sounding stupid and feeling stupid weren’t bad enough, Sauerbrun also made himself look ridiculous being hurdled by Hester on one return and juked out of his shoes in a feeble attempt to make a tackle on the other. Oh, and did I mention he also had a punt blocked? I’m not sure what he was thinking when he did those things - or if he was thinking at all, but one thing is for certain, Todd Sauerbrun ain’t no Josh Brown.
The city of San Francisco has banned the use of plastic grocery bags within the city limits. The city council has decided plastic bags take up too much room in landfills, damage the environment, and are just too darn convenient for its socially enlightened citizens. There is no word as yet on how this will affect the ability of the city’s homeless to collect the bottles and cans to return for the deposits. However, baggers will now be required to ask customers, “will that be paper or six acne-ridden teenaged boys to carry your seventeen paper bags up the three-hundred foot, sixty-degree incline to your apartment?”
According to a CNN report, ankle deep snowdrifts are sparking spontaneous snowball fights in parts of Texas. I realize CNN is a fairly reputable news organization, but that report is completely false. There is no such thing as an ankle deep snowdrift. Ankle deep snowfall, perhaps. But ankle deep snowdrifts do not exist. A snowdrift requires a considerable volume of snow - at least enough to build up into something resembling a mound or hill. A mound the size of ones ankle can be considered little more than a rut. Apparently the snowdrifts are the only things that are not bigger in Texas.
Doctors discovered this morning that Vice President Cheney suffers from an irregular heartbeat stemming from atrial fibrillation. I didn’t realize androids had atriums. It may be time to bring the real Cheney out of the bunker for a second round of cloning.
Authorities in the Netherlands arrested Joran van der Sloot for the millionth time Monday and shipped him back to Aruba, where he and Kalpoe brothers Deepak and Satish face charges of “involvement in the voluntary manslaughter of Natalee Holloway, or causing serious bodily harm to Natalee Holloway, resulting in her death.” Though we’ve been down this road before, and a body has yet to be found, Aruban authorities believe they may now have enough evidence to finally put this case to rest. I hope they’re right. The fewer unsolved disappearances of pretty white women, the better off the rest of us will be.
This coming Wednesday, CNN will waste everybody’s evening yet again with another YouTube debate – this time with the Republican candidates. The first time this happened viewers were treated to video after webcam video of yahoos donning costumes and stupid hats, and singing or acting out the same lame questions every debate moderator has asked since Kennedy made Nixon look like a stiff sweaty used car salesman in 1960. (Why is it that if you give someone a webcam they will immediately make an idiot of themselves) Then to top it off, we were told that this worthless pile of crap was great, and fantastic and the wave of the future. I can’t wait for round two. Seriously. Let’s hurry up and get this over with so I can go back to watching squirrels bury acorns in my front lawn.
State prosecutors have charged Dover, New Hampshire congressional candidate Gary Dodds of faking a car accident and disappearance in April in order to gain publicity for his 2006 Congressional campaign. After a 24 hour large scale search, Dodds was found with what his lawyer described as a concussion, situational amnesia, severe frostbite and nerve damage.” How terrible is your campaign that the best idea you can come up with is to careen into oncoming traffic, slither away from the wreckage and hide out in the woods for a day in what must have been inappropriate clothing? On second thought, maybe that’s why your campaign went so poorly.
Puerto Rican beauty queen Ingrid Marie Rivera won the right to represent her island at the 2008 Miss Universe pageant, despite first having her gowns stolen, then later having her make-up and collection of new evening gowns coated with pepper spray. Sorta lends a whole new meaning to the term “spicy Latina woman.” I know, bad joke, I’m sorry. Apparently people confused this beauty contest with an episode of the Jerry Springer Show. Take a step back people. It’s women in hideous one-piece swimsuits, strutting around in heels and praying for world peace. Not Survivor Puerto Rico.
Finally, in what may be the best Associated Press story of the week, the state of New Mexico has kicked off a new tourism campaign featuring “drooling, grotesque office workers from outer space chatting about their personal lives.” In an oblique reference to New Mexico’s world - and perhaps galaxy famous Roswell incident of 1947, the space alien conversations all lead back to the tag line that New Mexico might be “the best place in the universe.” Never having been there I can neither confirm nor deny the truth of that statement, but that is one seriously funny ad campaign. Of course, like all good advertisements, these have their detractors. Critics say the ads reduce the standards of the state and fail to feature the things New Mexico is known for. Okay, what is New Mexico known for? I have no idea. Colorado has skiing; Arizona has the Grand Canyon, Nevada has casinos, California has the ocean, Utah has Mormons, and New Mexico has... aliens, right? It seems like almost everything one could find in New Mexico could be found in any of the surrounding states. So in order to differentiate from the neighbors, you have to pick something that makes you unique and play that up. And if that something just happens to be aliens, then so be it. Perhaps the particular type of alien needs revision - a little less like Starship Troopers, a little more like ALF. But they came a REALLY long way to visit, and they didn’t stop off in the Napa Valley, or at a golf course in Flagstaff, or drop fifty large at the MGM Grand. They came to New Mexico damn it! A desert in the middle of a desert! Embrace it. It’s your heritage. As weird and freaky as that may be.
11.20.2007
Gobble Gobble
I’m going to try something new tonight. Writing the blog while watching the game. What could possibly go wrong? (I’ve already spelled seven words wrong.)
If any of you Pop Warner kids out there want to see how a running back is supposed to make a block, get a tape (or some sort of digital media recording) of Jacksonville / San Diego game Sunday afternoon and watch Maurice Jones-Drew’s block of Shawne Merriman - over and over again. Jones-Drew, who gives up 9 inches and 64 pounds to Merriman, stood his ground, stuck his helmet into the linebacker’s chest, and laid Merriman flat on his butt, allowing his quarterback to get off a hastle-free lob to the end-zone for a touchdown. Pound for pound, in all the football games I’ve watched, I have never seen a better block. Never.
Another football note, who said professional athletes are only in it for the money. In what may have been a touchdown-saving tackle, Seattle kicker Josh Brown ran several yards with the greatest kick-returner in the history of the NFL, took a wicked stiff-arm to the face, hung on for dear life and dragged him to the turf with a thud audible in the press box. He’s a kicker, he does not get paid to do that. No one would have blamed him if he had ran screaming like a little girl from the trail of scorched and blazing earth in Devin Hester’s wake. But he decided he wanted to be a real football player and go out a make a tackle. Then, as if that enough, Brown pops up off the ground like a pogo stick and starts flexing his guns and pointing to the name on the back of his jersey. One step at a time Josh. Make two tackles, then you can flex. Oh, by the way, a field goal try passing through the uprights is good, regardless of where the ball eventually ends up, and the New England Patriots blew out another CFL team on their way to an undefeated season. Ho hum, just another day at the office.
Michael Vick (remember him?) turned himself in to U.S. Marshals today to begin serving whatever sentence he will receive from the federal judge on December 10th of this year. He is reportedly most likely facing 18 to 24 months in jail for his illegal gambling and dogfighting activities. During his stay there’s a pretty good chance Vick will run into a few dogs - only this time he’ll find himself on the wrong end of the leash.
After alluding the next edition of his sorry excuse for a television show would feature A-list celebrity talent, reports indicate “The Donald” could round up no better than the likes of Stephen “yes I’m also a” Baldwin and Gene “the Tongue” Simmons. Is anyone surprised by this? Why would anyone with a real career subject themselves to being berated week in and week out by two hundred pounds of hot air and hair gel? What could an appearance on “The Apprentice possibly do for them, make them famous?
In the first of the two most ridiculous stories of the week, pop tarts everywhere can barely contain their excitement over the upcoming reunion tour of the British girls groups the Spice Girls. If anyone ever needed justification for the Revolutionary War, there it is.
And in stupid story number two, a 35 year-old Tampa Florida man hung on to a 12-foot statue of Disney’s “Hannah Montana” for six days in order to win tickets to a concert of the statue’s namesake. Yes, you read correctly, 35 year-old man, six days, “Hannah Montana”. Call me overly sensitive, but I think there might be something a little creepy about a middle-aged man taking six days off of work to hug a statue of a 14 year-old girl for some free tickets. Sounds like the kind of guy you may want to keep an eye on if you see him getting a little too cozy with the half-naked mannequins in Victoria’s Secret. Couple this with the scalping of “Hannah Montana” tickets for upwards of a thousand dollars, and the lawsuit filed against the “Hannah Montana Fan Club” for promising first crack at concert tickets, then not providing first crack at concert tickets, and it adds up to the biggest parental pain in the ass since Furby and Tickle Me Elmo. At least you could take the batteries out of Elmo.
In an interview with CNN’s Larry King, the perpetually angry Fred Goldman vowed to pursue and hold Simpson accountable for his son’s death, and continue to do so until Simpson’s death. I used to feel bad for Fred Goldman. I think O.J. hired better lawyers than were employed by the State of California and was able to escape justice. But in the years following the trial, since his victory in civil court, Fred Goldman has made it his life’s obsession to make O.J.’s life a living hell. While I support his right to be a thorn in O.J.’s side, there comes a point where you have to let the past be the past and get on with your life. And for whatever reason, Goldman seems to be unable to do this. Every breath he takes, every cent he makes is spent plotting O.J.’s misery, and that’s no way for anyone to live. When you dedicate you whole life to someone else - whether you intend to or not - you not only give them power over you, you risk losing your identity. O.J. has Fred Goldman wrapped around his finger, and Goldman is well on his way to losing his identity to Simpson - if he hasn’t done so already.
Taking a page from the Republican political playbook, the Senate Democrats have effectively blocked President Bush from making any recess appointments during the Thanksgiving recess by taking a non-recess recess. For the next two weeks, a couple (or fewer) senators will show up at the Capitol and essentially do nothing. How this differs from a regular session of Congress I don’t know, but it apparently enough to prevent the President from simply doing whatever he pleases. Strange, isn’t it. After all the attempts by the House and Senate to pass legislation and change direction, all they had to do was not show up to work. Take a vacation, solve your problems. Doesn’t get any better than that. Not sure that would go over too well at my job.
In a story of mainly local interest, the once proud Fighting Irish of Notre Dame football team has won all of two games this season. The Irish desperately need a victory over the Stanford Cardinals this coming weekend to avoid the worst season in school history. Charlie Weis’ third year as head coach has been an unmitigated disaster, with the program now the laughing stock of the NCAA. Despite the best efforts of some, you can’t blame the black man (read Tyrone Willingham) for this one. If Michigan coach Lloyd Carr can be forced out after an 8 and 4 season, what should a 2 and 10 season earn Charlie Weis?
Finally, in the spirit of Thanksgiving (sort of), five live turkeys were left at a Taco Bell drive-thru in California this morning. Non one has yet claimed responsibility for the turkey delivery, but the birds - one of which may have been injured - attempted to make the best of being stranded at the drive-thru by waving to passing vehicles and smiling for pictures. Word is they were just happy not to have been dropped of at a Subway or a Quiznos. Sort of takes the “Eat Fresh” moto to a whole new level, doesn’t it.
If any of you Pop Warner kids out there want to see how a running back is supposed to make a block, get a tape (or some sort of digital media recording) of Jacksonville / San Diego game Sunday afternoon and watch Maurice Jones-Drew’s block of Shawne Merriman - over and over again. Jones-Drew, who gives up 9 inches and 64 pounds to Merriman, stood his ground, stuck his helmet into the linebacker’s chest, and laid Merriman flat on his butt, allowing his quarterback to get off a hastle-free lob to the end-zone for a touchdown. Pound for pound, in all the football games I’ve watched, I have never seen a better block. Never.
Another football note, who said professional athletes are only in it for the money. In what may have been a touchdown-saving tackle, Seattle kicker Josh Brown ran several yards with the greatest kick-returner in the history of the NFL, took a wicked stiff-arm to the face, hung on for dear life and dragged him to the turf with a thud audible in the press box. He’s a kicker, he does not get paid to do that. No one would have blamed him if he had ran screaming like a little girl from the trail of scorched and blazing earth in Devin Hester’s wake. But he decided he wanted to be a real football player and go out a make a tackle. Then, as if that enough, Brown pops up off the ground like a pogo stick and starts flexing his guns and pointing to the name on the back of his jersey. One step at a time Josh. Make two tackles, then you can flex. Oh, by the way, a field goal try passing through the uprights is good, regardless of where the ball eventually ends up, and the New England Patriots blew out another CFL team on their way to an undefeated season. Ho hum, just another day at the office.
Michael Vick (remember him?) turned himself in to U.S. Marshals today to begin serving whatever sentence he will receive from the federal judge on December 10th of this year. He is reportedly most likely facing 18 to 24 months in jail for his illegal gambling and dogfighting activities. During his stay there’s a pretty good chance Vick will run into a few dogs - only this time he’ll find himself on the wrong end of the leash.
After alluding the next edition of his sorry excuse for a television show would feature A-list celebrity talent, reports indicate “The Donald” could round up no better than the likes of Stephen “yes I’m also a” Baldwin and Gene “the Tongue” Simmons. Is anyone surprised by this? Why would anyone with a real career subject themselves to being berated week in and week out by two hundred pounds of hot air and hair gel? What could an appearance on “The Apprentice possibly do for them, make them famous?
In the first of the two most ridiculous stories of the week, pop tarts everywhere can barely contain their excitement over the upcoming reunion tour of the British girls groups the Spice Girls. If anyone ever needed justification for the Revolutionary War, there it is.
And in stupid story number two, a 35 year-old Tampa Florida man hung on to a 12-foot statue of Disney’s “Hannah Montana” for six days in order to win tickets to a concert of the statue’s namesake. Yes, you read correctly, 35 year-old man, six days, “Hannah Montana”. Call me overly sensitive, but I think there might be something a little creepy about a middle-aged man taking six days off of work to hug a statue of a 14 year-old girl for some free tickets. Sounds like the kind of guy you may want to keep an eye on if you see him getting a little too cozy with the half-naked mannequins in Victoria’s Secret. Couple this with the scalping of “Hannah Montana” tickets for upwards of a thousand dollars, and the lawsuit filed against the “Hannah Montana Fan Club” for promising first crack at concert tickets, then not providing first crack at concert tickets, and it adds up to the biggest parental pain in the ass since Furby and Tickle Me Elmo. At least you could take the batteries out of Elmo.
In an interview with CNN’s Larry King, the perpetually angry Fred Goldman vowed to pursue and hold Simpson accountable for his son’s death, and continue to do so until Simpson’s death. I used to feel bad for Fred Goldman. I think O.J. hired better lawyers than were employed by the State of California and was able to escape justice. But in the years following the trial, since his victory in civil court, Fred Goldman has made it his life’s obsession to make O.J.’s life a living hell. While I support his right to be a thorn in O.J.’s side, there comes a point where you have to let the past be the past and get on with your life. And for whatever reason, Goldman seems to be unable to do this. Every breath he takes, every cent he makes is spent plotting O.J.’s misery, and that’s no way for anyone to live. When you dedicate you whole life to someone else - whether you intend to or not - you not only give them power over you, you risk losing your identity. O.J. has Fred Goldman wrapped around his finger, and Goldman is well on his way to losing his identity to Simpson - if he hasn’t done so already.
Taking a page from the Republican political playbook, the Senate Democrats have effectively blocked President Bush from making any recess appointments during the Thanksgiving recess by taking a non-recess recess. For the next two weeks, a couple (or fewer) senators will show up at the Capitol and essentially do nothing. How this differs from a regular session of Congress I don’t know, but it apparently enough to prevent the President from simply doing whatever he pleases. Strange, isn’t it. After all the attempts by the House and Senate to pass legislation and change direction, all they had to do was not show up to work. Take a vacation, solve your problems. Doesn’t get any better than that. Not sure that would go over too well at my job.
In a story of mainly local interest, the once proud Fighting Irish of Notre Dame football team has won all of two games this season. The Irish desperately need a victory over the Stanford Cardinals this coming weekend to avoid the worst season in school history. Charlie Weis’ third year as head coach has been an unmitigated disaster, with the program now the laughing stock of the NCAA. Despite the best efforts of some, you can’t blame the black man (read Tyrone Willingham) for this one. If Michigan coach Lloyd Carr can be forced out after an 8 and 4 season, what should a 2 and 10 season earn Charlie Weis?
Finally, in the spirit of Thanksgiving (sort of), five live turkeys were left at a Taco Bell drive-thru in California this morning. Non one has yet claimed responsibility for the turkey delivery, but the birds - one of which may have been injured - attempted to make the best of being stranded at the drive-thru by waving to passing vehicles and smiling for pictures. Word is they were just happy not to have been dropped of at a Subway or a Quiznos. Sort of takes the “Eat Fresh” moto to a whole new level, doesn’t it.
11.14.2007
Forty Days and Forty Nights
Let’s kick of this week in review with a nod to all our veterans. Yesterday was the celebration of Veteran’s Day here in the United States (Sunday was Remembrance Day in Canada), and I’d like to salute everyone who has spent time in military service to his or her country. Protecting a nation’s ideals and sovereignty is a difficult, dangerous and often thankless job that many people would not and/or could not do. Thank you for your sacrifice. Stay safe.
Can somebody tell me where Brett Favre is hiding his time machine? I’ve got some lottery numbers I’d like to play. At 38 years old, Favre is playing with the speed, vitality and enthusiasm of a man ten years younger. In a sport dominated by youth he somehow manages to look like he belongs. The very same sportscasters who were calling for his job at this time last season now find themselves stumbling over one another to be first in line to congratulate him on what may turn out to be the best season of his career. If Mr. Bundchen – I mean Tom Brady, sorry – were not on pace to throw 60 touchdowns and go undefeated this season, all the talk would be about how many candles would be able to fit on Favre’s MVP cake. Seems like it might just be true that for some people, you are only as old as you feel.
Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones has decided to plead no contest to conspiracy to commit disorderly conduct in relation to a shooting at a Las Vegas strip club in which a bouncer was paralyzed. In exchange for his plea Mr. Jones will accept one year suspended sentence, submission to anger management courses and 200 hours of community service. Hopefully the Pacman will be required to gobble up the anger management portion of his plea agreement before he tackles the community service. Can’t wait to see him “make it rain” while spearing trash off the sidewalk on the Strip on his off days.
Former NBA star – and cartoon character Dennis Rodman (remember him?) has expressed a desire to coach women’s basketball. Affectionately known during his playing days as “the Worm”, the former Piston, Spur, Bull and husband of one Carmen Electra believes he has the experience and basketball knowledge to be of benefit to a WNBA team. In his defense, despite all of his well-recorded antics, Rodman was a competent offensive player in his early years, and a defensive juggernaut later on. He might actually know something about the game. I’m just worried the wedding dress, feather boas and swirl-dyed hair will clash with the snazzy team uniforms.
22,000 Seattle area residents lost power yesterday as 90 mph wind gusts hit Peugeot Sound. When did the Pacific Northwest become Florida? Now my wife will never want to visit.
Over 50’000 gallons of crude oil have seeped into San Francisco Bay blackening beaches and killing birds after a tanker struck an abutment of the San Oakland/Oakland Bay bridge. Yeah, does anyone think that some type of intoxicant was NOT involved in this mishap? It’s a bridge people! It’s freakin' HUGE! You really can’t miss it. Except that you did.
In case you haven’t heard, the Southeastern United States is in the midst of a terrible drought. Some estimates have concluded that if the lack of rain continues, the reservoir supplying Atlanta with drinking water could be dry within four to five months. And Georgia governor Sonny Perdue is tired of waiting around for something to happen. He has decided to appeal to a higher power. The governor has requested that every member of the legislature join him in praying for rain to end the drought. This modern day Elisha has drawn the ire of local atheists who claim his call to prayer violates the Establishment Clause of the U.S. Constitution. There’s an old country song I think the atheists need to listen to. Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em. Know when to walk away, know when to run. You don’t have to fight every single battle. Not praying isn’t producing any results. So let the Governor pray for rain. You can continue to do nothing if you wish, or heck, do a little rain dance if it’ll make you feel batter. If the prayers go up and no rain comes down, maybe the Man Upstairs would prefer to see Atlanta shrivel up and wilt under the Georgia sun. If the prayers go up and the rain comes down, maybe He just wants you people to shut up.
Union stagehands in New York City walked off the job early this week, leaving Broadway dark and empty. First of all, the stagehands have a Union? Really? And second, when did we become France? Why don’t we just decide on two weeks every two years where everyone goes on strike and get it over with? Part of the reason this country actually functions is because we generally don’t have to worry about arriving at the subway station to find “Out of Order” signs taped to the doors of the cars. Let’s be honest about a couple things. In many – if not most cases, union workers occupy largely “unskilled” positions. It may be hard work, but it doesn’t take a college degree to tighten down the engine mounts in Chevy Malibu on the assembly line. And the reason grocery store clerks don’t bring in $80,000 a year is that there are hundreds of thousands – if not millions of people who could do that job. So union employees cannot expect to receive wages and benefits on par with those with more advanced skills and education. On the other hand, corporations like Wal-Mart, Safeway, General Motors and the like need to realize that the reason they are able to rake in ridiculous profits year after year is because they employ a large group of hard working individuals – now more productive than ever – who often sacrifice time with their families to put in the hours required to make the company a success. Without them, multi-billion dollar corporations would be mere shells of themselves. Both sides of these disputes need to get over themselves and learn how to reach fair and mutually beneficial agreements so we can avoid these strikes in the first place.
In a futile attempt to upstage the record spending Mitt Romney, Republican Congressman and Presidential candidate Tom Tancredo has produced a television ad depicting a man in a hooded sweatshirt walking through a shopping mall to the sound of a ticking clock with a bomb in a backpack, leaving it under a bench to explode as the picture fades to black. The white lettered words; “Tancredo …before it’s too late” are then displayed on the screen. Now Tancredo is a single-issue candidate (illegal immigration) with a snowball’s chance in the seventh level of hell of being elected, so in the grand scheme of things this ad is largely irrelevant. But this phenomenon isn’t limited to Tancredo, and if it isn’t the politics of fear, I don’t know what is. I may be Canadian, but I’m not an idiot. I know the threat of terrorism is real and this country needs to take measures to protect ourselves from those who would do us harm. But I refuse to live every day of my life in a perpetual state shear hysterical terror of being blown up at a mall by a guy in a hooded sweatshirt. Why does it seem like every single Republican candidate is desperately trying to frighten people into voting for them?
On the lighter side of the news, researchers at Rush University have released a study saying that women with wider hips are smarter than women with narrower hips. I’m not going to touch this one – except to say that thinking back to my high school graduating class, there might be something to this.
Finally, scientists have decided to genetically engineer super mice. Said mice can run continuously at high rates of speed for up to five hours, consume 60% more food without gaining weight, breed three times longer than regular mice, and – here’s the clincher – lack the gene which makes them afraid of cats. This can only end in tears. What possible practical purpose can this research serve? Why not just breed giant spiders with Nikes and eight pairs of night vision goggles? Do we have a problem with hordes of stray cats roaming the streets terrorizing neighborhood dogs that we need to sic mighty mice on them? Will researchers now be forced to carry giant concealed cheese wedges to protect themselves from mice that have bent the bars of their cages and made a dash for freedom? Can you imagine the mousetraps we’re going to need in order to catch these things when they inevitably escape from the laboratory? There must be something more useful – and less "Tales From the Darkside" we can train mice to do.
Can somebody tell me where Brett Favre is hiding his time machine? I’ve got some lottery numbers I’d like to play. At 38 years old, Favre is playing with the speed, vitality and enthusiasm of a man ten years younger. In a sport dominated by youth he somehow manages to look like he belongs. The very same sportscasters who were calling for his job at this time last season now find themselves stumbling over one another to be first in line to congratulate him on what may turn out to be the best season of his career. If Mr. Bundchen – I mean Tom Brady, sorry – were not on pace to throw 60 touchdowns and go undefeated this season, all the talk would be about how many candles would be able to fit on Favre’s MVP cake. Seems like it might just be true that for some people, you are only as old as you feel.
Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones has decided to plead no contest to conspiracy to commit disorderly conduct in relation to a shooting at a Las Vegas strip club in which a bouncer was paralyzed. In exchange for his plea Mr. Jones will accept one year suspended sentence, submission to anger management courses and 200 hours of community service. Hopefully the Pacman will be required to gobble up the anger management portion of his plea agreement before he tackles the community service. Can’t wait to see him “make it rain” while spearing trash off the sidewalk on the Strip on his off days.
Former NBA star – and cartoon character Dennis Rodman (remember him?) has expressed a desire to coach women’s basketball. Affectionately known during his playing days as “the Worm”, the former Piston, Spur, Bull and husband of one Carmen Electra believes he has the experience and basketball knowledge to be of benefit to a WNBA team. In his defense, despite all of his well-recorded antics, Rodman was a competent offensive player in his early years, and a defensive juggernaut later on. He might actually know something about the game. I’m just worried the wedding dress, feather boas and swirl-dyed hair will clash with the snazzy team uniforms.
22,000 Seattle area residents lost power yesterday as 90 mph wind gusts hit Peugeot Sound. When did the Pacific Northwest become Florida? Now my wife will never want to visit.
Over 50’000 gallons of crude oil have seeped into San Francisco Bay blackening beaches and killing birds after a tanker struck an abutment of the San Oakland/Oakland Bay bridge. Yeah, does anyone think that some type of intoxicant was NOT involved in this mishap? It’s a bridge people! It’s freakin' HUGE! You really can’t miss it. Except that you did.
In case you haven’t heard, the Southeastern United States is in the midst of a terrible drought. Some estimates have concluded that if the lack of rain continues, the reservoir supplying Atlanta with drinking water could be dry within four to five months. And Georgia governor Sonny Perdue is tired of waiting around for something to happen. He has decided to appeal to a higher power. The governor has requested that every member of the legislature join him in praying for rain to end the drought. This modern day Elisha has drawn the ire of local atheists who claim his call to prayer violates the Establishment Clause of the U.S. Constitution. There’s an old country song I think the atheists need to listen to. Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em. Know when to walk away, know when to run. You don’t have to fight every single battle. Not praying isn’t producing any results. So let the Governor pray for rain. You can continue to do nothing if you wish, or heck, do a little rain dance if it’ll make you feel batter. If the prayers go up and no rain comes down, maybe the Man Upstairs would prefer to see Atlanta shrivel up and wilt under the Georgia sun. If the prayers go up and the rain comes down, maybe He just wants you people to shut up.
Union stagehands in New York City walked off the job early this week, leaving Broadway dark and empty. First of all, the stagehands have a Union? Really? And second, when did we become France? Why don’t we just decide on two weeks every two years where everyone goes on strike and get it over with? Part of the reason this country actually functions is because we generally don’t have to worry about arriving at the subway station to find “Out of Order” signs taped to the doors of the cars. Let’s be honest about a couple things. In many – if not most cases, union workers occupy largely “unskilled” positions. It may be hard work, but it doesn’t take a college degree to tighten down the engine mounts in Chevy Malibu on the assembly line. And the reason grocery store clerks don’t bring in $80,000 a year is that there are hundreds of thousands – if not millions of people who could do that job. So union employees cannot expect to receive wages and benefits on par with those with more advanced skills and education. On the other hand, corporations like Wal-Mart, Safeway, General Motors and the like need to realize that the reason they are able to rake in ridiculous profits year after year is because they employ a large group of hard working individuals – now more productive than ever – who often sacrifice time with their families to put in the hours required to make the company a success. Without them, multi-billion dollar corporations would be mere shells of themselves. Both sides of these disputes need to get over themselves and learn how to reach fair and mutually beneficial agreements so we can avoid these strikes in the first place.
In a futile attempt to upstage the record spending Mitt Romney, Republican Congressman and Presidential candidate Tom Tancredo has produced a television ad depicting a man in a hooded sweatshirt walking through a shopping mall to the sound of a ticking clock with a bomb in a backpack, leaving it under a bench to explode as the picture fades to black. The white lettered words; “Tancredo …before it’s too late” are then displayed on the screen. Now Tancredo is a single-issue candidate (illegal immigration) with a snowball’s chance in the seventh level of hell of being elected, so in the grand scheme of things this ad is largely irrelevant. But this phenomenon isn’t limited to Tancredo, and if it isn’t the politics of fear, I don’t know what is. I may be Canadian, but I’m not an idiot. I know the threat of terrorism is real and this country needs to take measures to protect ourselves from those who would do us harm. But I refuse to live every day of my life in a perpetual state shear hysterical terror of being blown up at a mall by a guy in a hooded sweatshirt. Why does it seem like every single Republican candidate is desperately trying to frighten people into voting for them?
On the lighter side of the news, researchers at Rush University have released a study saying that women with wider hips are smarter than women with narrower hips. I’m not going to touch this one – except to say that thinking back to my high school graduating class, there might be something to this.
Finally, scientists have decided to genetically engineer super mice. Said mice can run continuously at high rates of speed for up to five hours, consume 60% more food without gaining weight, breed three times longer than regular mice, and – here’s the clincher – lack the gene which makes them afraid of cats. This can only end in tears. What possible practical purpose can this research serve? Why not just breed giant spiders with Nikes and eight pairs of night vision goggles? Do we have a problem with hordes of stray cats roaming the streets terrorizing neighborhood dogs that we need to sic mighty mice on them? Will researchers now be forced to carry giant concealed cheese wedges to protect themselves from mice that have bent the bars of their cages and made a dash for freedom? Can you imagine the mousetraps we’re going to need in order to catch these things when they inevitably escape from the laboratory? There must be something more useful – and less "Tales From the Darkside" we can train mice to do.
11.09.2007
Say Uncle!
In recent weeks there’s been a lot of talk about torture. No, not endless reruns of American Idol on the Fox Reality channel. Real torture. Spanish Inquisition, locked in a concrete room, toothpicks under the fingernails torture. Or maybe those are just “tough interrogation techniques.” Apparently it’s difficult to say exactly what torture is. Some of the brightest minds in our country seem to be having trouble deciding what constitutes torture, with the latest controversy coming over the practice of waterboarding.
I am neither a government agent, nor a former prisoner of war, so I have no firsthand experience with waterboarding. But from what I have been able to understand, the practice involves strapping someone to a board at an incline, covering the head with some sort of material, and pouring water over the face to simulate the sensation of drowning. Depending on which variation is used, it may also involve pouring water directly into the mouth to force inhalation of water into the lungs. The practice dates back at least as far as the Spanish Inquisition, has been practiced by the likes of the Khmer Rouge regime in Cambodia and has long been considered serious enough to be prosecuted as a war crime by many countries – including the United States. However, during the past several years, several Administration officials, including both the CIA and FBI directors and Vice President Cheney have confirmed the use of waterboarding on some prisoners and have made the statement that our government does not (or more accurately, no longer) considers the practice to be a form of torture.
So, is waterboarding torture? Well, sometimes, things are what they are. That contraption parked in front of your desk with a seat, a back, possibly arms, maybe some wheels, that is a chair. You sit in it, you recline in it, you spin around in it and sometimes fall asleep in it. Regardless of who sits in it, or what they may do in it, it’s still a chair. That big flat thing in your bedroom with a mattress, blankets and pillows, that’s a bed. Not a chair. You can call it a chair if you want, but it will still be a bed. You can sit on it, recline on it, jump on it, fall asleep on it, perform whatever chair function you want on it. Doesn’t matter. It’s not a chair. It’s a bed. If waterboarding has been used as torture for hundreds of years, prosecuted as torture when engaged in by other entities, and labeled torture by those who may have been victims of it (i.e. Senator John McCain), then you’ll forgive me if I don’t believe the Vice President when he tries to tell me it isn’t torture. He knows it is. He simply doesn’t care. He’s decided that he will do whatever he damn well pleases, whenever he damn well pleases, whether anyone likes it or not.
There is a difference between an aggressive interrogation and a torture session. Making someone uncomfortable - maybe roughing him up a little – is not the same as drowning him. We can – and will continue to debate the effectiveness and the morality of torturing a suspect for information we believe to be vital. These are questions we will be wrestling with long after this war is over. Let’s not cheapen the discourse by pretending we don’t understand what it is we’re talking about. Waterboarding is torture. Agents of our government have waterboarded prisoners in the past and are prepared to do it again. Let’s take it from there.
I am neither a government agent, nor a former prisoner of war, so I have no firsthand experience with waterboarding. But from what I have been able to understand, the practice involves strapping someone to a board at an incline, covering the head with some sort of material, and pouring water over the face to simulate the sensation of drowning. Depending on which variation is used, it may also involve pouring water directly into the mouth to force inhalation of water into the lungs. The practice dates back at least as far as the Spanish Inquisition, has been practiced by the likes of the Khmer Rouge regime in Cambodia and has long been considered serious enough to be prosecuted as a war crime by many countries – including the United States. However, during the past several years, several Administration officials, including both the CIA and FBI directors and Vice President Cheney have confirmed the use of waterboarding on some prisoners and have made the statement that our government does not (or more accurately, no longer) considers the practice to be a form of torture.
So, is waterboarding torture? Well, sometimes, things are what they are. That contraption parked in front of your desk with a seat, a back, possibly arms, maybe some wheels, that is a chair. You sit in it, you recline in it, you spin around in it and sometimes fall asleep in it. Regardless of who sits in it, or what they may do in it, it’s still a chair. That big flat thing in your bedroom with a mattress, blankets and pillows, that’s a bed. Not a chair. You can call it a chair if you want, but it will still be a bed. You can sit on it, recline on it, jump on it, fall asleep on it, perform whatever chair function you want on it. Doesn’t matter. It’s not a chair. It’s a bed. If waterboarding has been used as torture for hundreds of years, prosecuted as torture when engaged in by other entities, and labeled torture by those who may have been victims of it (i.e. Senator John McCain), then you’ll forgive me if I don’t believe the Vice President when he tries to tell me it isn’t torture. He knows it is. He simply doesn’t care. He’s decided that he will do whatever he damn well pleases, whenever he damn well pleases, whether anyone likes it or not.
There is a difference between an aggressive interrogation and a torture session. Making someone uncomfortable - maybe roughing him up a little – is not the same as drowning him. We can – and will continue to debate the effectiveness and the morality of torturing a suspect for information we believe to be vital. These are questions we will be wrestling with long after this war is over. Let’s not cheapen the discourse by pretending we don’t understand what it is we’re talking about. Waterboarding is torture. Agents of our government have waterboarded prisoners in the past and are prepared to do it again. Let’s take it from there.
11.07.2007
Next Question...
Late again this week. Good thing the news has been about as slow as I’ve been.
Well, I did have to watch half of Superbowl 41.5 in fast forward in order to catch up, but it was everything it was cracked up to be. Fortunately for football fans everywhere, we may get to see this game again for the AFC Championship, in a little something I’ll refer to as Superbowl 41.75. Un fortunately, whatever pathetic excuse for a team manages to stumble out of the NFC to meet either of these two juggernauts in Superbowl 42 is only setting themselves up for complete and total embarrassment. Hope the ’72 Dolphins enjoyed their champagne last year. It might be the last bottle they ever drink.
In a stunning display of utter stupidity, the Federal Emergency Management Agency held a fake press conference to congratulate themselves for their handling of the California wildfires. Deputy Administrator Harvey Johnson easily answered softball questions lobed at him by “reporters” in the room, who later turned out to be FEMA public relations employees. Now FEMA must have known that once the video of the phony press conference hit the media, the reporters who would normally attend such conferences might realize they weren’t the ones asking the questions and become a little suspicious. Yet they went through with it anyway. I guess common sense really isn’t all that common.
In another example of a lapse in judgment, a Department of Homeland Security employee has been placed on administrative leave after showing up to a costume party hosed by the head of Immigration and Customs Enforcement dressed in a striped prison outfit, dreadlocks and artificially darkened skin. I think I know what happened here. The employee got wind of Detroit Lions quarterback Jon Kitna’s costume (taking a jab at a Lions coach who rolled through a Wendy’s drive-thru in his birthday suit) and decided he too could make a funny. Maybe he should have thought that one through a little more carefully. Naked guy in a fast food drive-thru? Funny. Rastafarian prisoner in blackface? Not so much.
In keeping with the theme, in a pitiful display of futility, Congressman and Presidential hopeless Dennis Kucinich introduced a measure attempting to impeach Vice President Dick Cheney. The measure was roundly defeated no sooner than the words had exited Kucinich’s mouth. Is it any wonder the approval rating for congress is so low? With all the work they need to get done, fixing the tax code, uninsured children, out of control war funding, Dennis Kucinich chooses to waste everyone’s time on an initiative he knows will and has failed time and time again? Cheney is yesterday’s news. He is on his way out. The damage has already been done, and trying to stick a finger in his eye will only result in the loss of that finger. Even if the zealots in the Democratic party could somehow push some kind of punitive measure against the Vice President Congress, by the time any action could be taken, Cheney would have long left office, indulging himself in a canned hunting trip shooting domestic pheasants and old friends in the face. Let it go and move on. You can’t drive the car by staring in the rear view mirror. You will wreck the car.
The Senate judiciary committee voted to send Attorney General nominee Michael Mukasey to the full Senate for confirmation, despite his inability to admit that tying someone to a board and pouring water over their face and into their mouth to make them believe they are drowning just might be considered torture under certain circumstances. Circumstances like say… international war crimes tribunals, …or the Spanish Inquisition perhaps. More on this on Thursday. President Bush 346, Democrats, 0.
Congressman Ron Paul raised more than $4 million dollars over the Internet for his Presidential campaign this past Monday. Rumor has it that in the upcoming weeks Paul will introduce his “Dollars for Votes” exchange program in an attempt to translate this bonanza into something more valuable than a lifetime supply of Krispy Kremes.
An Indian girl born with eight limbs (among other things) has undergone surgery to have four of them removed. The additional limbs belonged to a conjoined twin that died in the womb. Aren’t there horror movies that start out like this?
Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf has declared martial law, suspended the country’s constitution, fired the Supreme Court judges and arrested all the lawyers. You know, aside from the suppression of individual freedom and a complete disregard for the law this action isn’t half bad. Can you imagine a country without lawyers? I believe there are words for places like that. Utopia. Shangri-la. Heaven on earth. Musharraf might be on to something.
Finally, in what could be the least important most covered story of the year, film and television writers have gone on strike. Unlike recent strikes at General Motors and Chrysler, this one promises to last longer than six hours. So, what does that mean for the average television viewer? A thrilling winter of reruns and reality shows. I know I can’t wait for Survivor Des Moines and the gazillionth repeat of Law & Order. Maybe this will force some people to get up off the couch and do something productive. Perhaps months of reruns and unscripted blather will spark a reduction in the collective girth of the nation. The entire epidemic of obesity could be reversed in one fell swoop! I won’t hold my breath.
Well, I did have to watch half of Superbowl 41.5 in fast forward in order to catch up, but it was everything it was cracked up to be. Fortunately for football fans everywhere, we may get to see this game again for the AFC Championship, in a little something I’ll refer to as Superbowl 41.75. Un fortunately, whatever pathetic excuse for a team manages to stumble out of the NFC to meet either of these two juggernauts in Superbowl 42 is only setting themselves up for complete and total embarrassment. Hope the ’72 Dolphins enjoyed their champagne last year. It might be the last bottle they ever drink.
In a stunning display of utter stupidity, the Federal Emergency Management Agency held a fake press conference to congratulate themselves for their handling of the California wildfires. Deputy Administrator Harvey Johnson easily answered softball questions lobed at him by “reporters” in the room, who later turned out to be FEMA public relations employees. Now FEMA must have known that once the video of the phony press conference hit the media, the reporters who would normally attend such conferences might realize they weren’t the ones asking the questions and become a little suspicious. Yet they went through with it anyway. I guess common sense really isn’t all that common.
In another example of a lapse in judgment, a Department of Homeland Security employee has been placed on administrative leave after showing up to a costume party hosed by the head of Immigration and Customs Enforcement dressed in a striped prison outfit, dreadlocks and artificially darkened skin. I think I know what happened here. The employee got wind of Detroit Lions quarterback Jon Kitna’s costume (taking a jab at a Lions coach who rolled through a Wendy’s drive-thru in his birthday suit) and decided he too could make a funny. Maybe he should have thought that one through a little more carefully. Naked guy in a fast food drive-thru? Funny. Rastafarian prisoner in blackface? Not so much.
In keeping with the theme, in a pitiful display of futility, Congressman and Presidential hopeless Dennis Kucinich introduced a measure attempting to impeach Vice President Dick Cheney. The measure was roundly defeated no sooner than the words had exited Kucinich’s mouth. Is it any wonder the approval rating for congress is so low? With all the work they need to get done, fixing the tax code, uninsured children, out of control war funding, Dennis Kucinich chooses to waste everyone’s time on an initiative he knows will and has failed time and time again? Cheney is yesterday’s news. He is on his way out. The damage has already been done, and trying to stick a finger in his eye will only result in the loss of that finger. Even if the zealots in the Democratic party could somehow push some kind of punitive measure against the Vice President Congress, by the time any action could be taken, Cheney would have long left office, indulging himself in a canned hunting trip shooting domestic pheasants and old friends in the face. Let it go and move on. You can’t drive the car by staring in the rear view mirror. You will wreck the car.
The Senate judiciary committee voted to send Attorney General nominee Michael Mukasey to the full Senate for confirmation, despite his inability to admit that tying someone to a board and pouring water over their face and into their mouth to make them believe they are drowning just might be considered torture under certain circumstances. Circumstances like say… international war crimes tribunals, …or the Spanish Inquisition perhaps. More on this on Thursday. President Bush 346, Democrats, 0.
Congressman Ron Paul raised more than $4 million dollars over the Internet for his Presidential campaign this past Monday. Rumor has it that in the upcoming weeks Paul will introduce his “Dollars for Votes” exchange program in an attempt to translate this bonanza into something more valuable than a lifetime supply of Krispy Kremes.
An Indian girl born with eight limbs (among other things) has undergone surgery to have four of them removed. The additional limbs belonged to a conjoined twin that died in the womb. Aren’t there horror movies that start out like this?
Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf has declared martial law, suspended the country’s constitution, fired the Supreme Court judges and arrested all the lawyers. You know, aside from the suppression of individual freedom and a complete disregard for the law this action isn’t half bad. Can you imagine a country without lawyers? I believe there are words for places like that. Utopia. Shangri-la. Heaven on earth. Musharraf might be on to something.
Finally, in what could be the least important most covered story of the year, film and television writers have gone on strike. Unlike recent strikes at General Motors and Chrysler, this one promises to last longer than six hours. So, what does that mean for the average television viewer? A thrilling winter of reruns and reality shows. I know I can’t wait for Survivor Des Moines and the gazillionth repeat of Law & Order. Maybe this will force some people to get up off the couch and do something productive. Perhaps months of reruns and unscripted blather will spark a reduction in the collective girth of the nation. The entire epidemic of obesity could be reversed in one fell swoop! I won’t hold my breath.
10.31.2007
Video at Ten
Well, the wife has taken over the television for the evening, (apparently the dual-tuner DVR isn’t enough, she must also watch programming at the same time), and frankly, sitting doubled over in the chair in front of the computer feels better for the stomach ache than reclining on the couch. Now if only I can keep my eyes open long enough to finish this we’ll be in good shape.
Both the Patriots and the Colts emerged from the weekend unscathed, setting up what may very well be the game of the millennium. I know, the millennium is only seven years old, but the only way any regular season game could be bigger than this one would be if these same two teams were both 15-0 and playing on the seventeenth Sunday of the season. So pop some popcorn, park your butt in the recliner and prepare to be blown away. You don’t have to wait until February for the Superbowl; it will be played this Sunday in Indianapolis at 4:05pm.
Sticking with football just a little while longer. Let’s roll play for a moment. I’ll be Patriots coach Bill Belichick – except I’ll actually answer reporter’s questions. Here we go.
Curious Reporter: Coach Belichick! You were up 38-0 and still threw deep passes to Randy Moss and went for it twice on fourth and one. Don’t you think you might have been rubbing it in a little bit?
Belichick: Absolutely.
Bewildered Reporter: Um, wait, so you admit to running up the score on the Washington Redskins this past Sunday?
Belichick: Oh you bet! And not just them, every single team we’ve face so far this year!
Hapless Reporter: But Coach, don’t you think that’s unsportsmanlike?
Belichick: Does this look like the face of a man who gives a crap what any of you think? I’ve got the world’s sexiest man at quarterback, a receiver who catches passes with his elbows, and an invisible linebacker who not only sacks opposing quarterbacks, but wanders uncovered into the end zone to catch touchdowns on offense. Why don’t you take your “unsportsmanlike conduct” B.S. and stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Embarrassed Reporter: Um, okay. But, um, why are you being so belligerent?
Belichick: Why did you people accuse me of cheating? I don’t want to say the two are related, but maybe if I hadn’t been accused of cheating to win my three Superbowls I wouldn’t have to beat these junior varsity jokers into submission every week. You want to see belligerent? Wait ‘til we play the Jets again this year. Man-genius my ass! Yes they deserve to die, and I hope they burn in hell!
Last week President Bush demanded an additional $42 billion to fund the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. These billions who come in addition to the $100 billion he received from Congress in May of this year. In a moment of deja vu, Democratic leaders on the Hill have vowed not to issue the President a “blank cheque” with regard to war funding. They have instead decided a platinum MasterCard with no limit might suit the President better. That way he won’t have to try to squeeze all those zeroes into the tiny little “amount” box on the cheque.
Rapper Inga Marchand (a.k.a. Foxy Brown) was sentenced to 76 days in solitary confinement after a brawl with another inmate at Riker’s Island jail where she is serving a sentence for violating her probation in a case stemming from a fight she had with manicurists in a New York nail salon. Apparently the conditions of that probation required her to attend anger management classes. Classes she probably shouldn’t have skipped out on. I guess she’ll have plenty of time to manage her anger during the 1,748 hours she’ll be spending alone in a 5’x5’ concrete cell.
Seventeen Magazine is circulating what it calls a “Body Peace Treaty”, which encourages young women (and I suppose any young men who read Seventeen Magazine) to, for example, “realize that the mirror can only reflect what’s on the surface of me, not who I am inside,” and, “quit judging a person solely on how his or her body looks…” I guess the point of this exercise is to help build positive self-image among young women who are daily bombarded by media images of tall, blonde, size zero models and celebrities with more replacement parts than my ’98 Acura, featured in sexy, revealing clothing on the pages of Seventeen Magazine, and others like it. Perhaps the Body Peace Treaty should read more like this: I vow never to touch, pick up, look at or read Seventeen Magazine, Glamour, Vogue, the Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue, or any other such piece of mindless drivel so long as draw breath. Amen.
New archeological research indicates that some Neanderthals may have had red hair. And I had microwave spaghetti for lunch. Whooptee freakin’ do! Why should anyone care that Carrot Top could have been a caveman? When you revive a redheaded Neanderthal you’ve found frozen in the ice, let me know. Until then, aren’t there some ancient ruins you people should be looking for?
According to an article on CNN.com, television sex scenes are becoming so hot they now rival porn. What kind of lame porn are these people watching?
In perhaps the most bizarre story of last week, a lock of Che Guevara’s hair was sold at auction for $100,000. What exactly does one do with a lock of a dead guy’s hair? I know the man is a legend, got his face on tee shirts and all that, but what are you going to do with his hair? Doesn’t sound like it’s enough to complete a comb-over. It’s certainly not enough to make into a weave. I guess maybe if you were trying to fill in an eyebrow or something…
The Georgia Supreme Court ruled that Genarlow Wilson be released from prison after serving two years of a ten year sentence for engaging in oral sex with a fifteen year old girl when he was seventeen, labeling the sentence “cruel and unusual punishment.” Wilson’s original conviction sparked the Georgia legislature to change the law that sent him to prison to include a so-called “Romeo and Juliet exception” to prevent this from happening to other teens. But for some reason, the prosecutor (what is it with Southern prosecutors?) felt Wilson should continue to rot in jail, even after the sponsors of the original law under which he was sentenced testified they never intended it to be used in the way it was. Rational thinking – 2, Southern prosecutors – 0.
Miss England revealed last Friday that she was told to fatten up for the upcoming Miss World competition in China on December 1 of this year. She said that pageant organizers “want their girls to be more voluptuous and womanly and curvy, you know, rather than the stick-thin, size-zero models you see around.” But Miss England isn’t exactly a broomstick. She’s 20 years old, 5’-8” tall and a size four. Now I know the average American woman is something like a size twelve or fourteen or so, but I don’t know, maybe British women are different. She’s at least four sizes above non-existent, give the girl a break. As long as she’s not standing in front of the donut table with a Hannibal Lecter mask on, wasting away for want of Boston Crème, let her be who she is. Of course, being a Brit, Miss England says she’ll give the whole weight gain thing a shot. How long do you think it’ll be before the pageant committee regrets this decision?
Finally, the Sunshine State provides us with what could be described as an example of road rage gone wrong. One angry male and one enraged female passenger realized the Toyota Corolla they were riding in just wasn’t’ big enough for the both of them, and decided to take their dispute outside. Outside in this case just happened to be the State Road 4 Northbound on-ramp to I-595 in Davie, Florida, a little after 4 a.m. last Thursday. Unfortunately, as they were beating the tar out of one another on the pavement, they failed to see a second Toyota accelerating up the ramp toward the Interstate. The combatants were struck by said Toyota and died at the scene. The cause of the fatal argument is still unknown. The moral of this story? Always look both ways before brawling in the middle of the street. Seriously. Both ways.
Both the Patriots and the Colts emerged from the weekend unscathed, setting up what may very well be the game of the millennium. I know, the millennium is only seven years old, but the only way any regular season game could be bigger than this one would be if these same two teams were both 15-0 and playing on the seventeenth Sunday of the season. So pop some popcorn, park your butt in the recliner and prepare to be blown away. You don’t have to wait until February for the Superbowl; it will be played this Sunday in Indianapolis at 4:05pm.
Sticking with football just a little while longer. Let’s roll play for a moment. I’ll be Patriots coach Bill Belichick – except I’ll actually answer reporter’s questions. Here we go.
Curious Reporter: Coach Belichick! You were up 38-0 and still threw deep passes to Randy Moss and went for it twice on fourth and one. Don’t you think you might have been rubbing it in a little bit?
Belichick: Absolutely.
Bewildered Reporter: Um, wait, so you admit to running up the score on the Washington Redskins this past Sunday?
Belichick: Oh you bet! And not just them, every single team we’ve face so far this year!
Hapless Reporter: But Coach, don’t you think that’s unsportsmanlike?
Belichick: Does this look like the face of a man who gives a crap what any of you think? I’ve got the world’s sexiest man at quarterback, a receiver who catches passes with his elbows, and an invisible linebacker who not only sacks opposing quarterbacks, but wanders uncovered into the end zone to catch touchdowns on offense. Why don’t you take your “unsportsmanlike conduct” B.S. and stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Embarrassed Reporter: Um, okay. But, um, why are you being so belligerent?
Belichick: Why did you people accuse me of cheating? I don’t want to say the two are related, but maybe if I hadn’t been accused of cheating to win my three Superbowls I wouldn’t have to beat these junior varsity jokers into submission every week. You want to see belligerent? Wait ‘til we play the Jets again this year. Man-genius my ass! Yes they deserve to die, and I hope they burn in hell!
Last week President Bush demanded an additional $42 billion to fund the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. These billions who come in addition to the $100 billion he received from Congress in May of this year. In a moment of deja vu, Democratic leaders on the Hill have vowed not to issue the President a “blank cheque” with regard to war funding. They have instead decided a platinum MasterCard with no limit might suit the President better. That way he won’t have to try to squeeze all those zeroes into the tiny little “amount” box on the cheque.
Rapper Inga Marchand (a.k.a. Foxy Brown) was sentenced to 76 days in solitary confinement after a brawl with another inmate at Riker’s Island jail where she is serving a sentence for violating her probation in a case stemming from a fight she had with manicurists in a New York nail salon. Apparently the conditions of that probation required her to attend anger management classes. Classes she probably shouldn’t have skipped out on. I guess she’ll have plenty of time to manage her anger during the 1,748 hours she’ll be spending alone in a 5’x5’ concrete cell.
Seventeen Magazine is circulating what it calls a “Body Peace Treaty”, which encourages young women (and I suppose any young men who read Seventeen Magazine) to, for example, “realize that the mirror can only reflect what’s on the surface of me, not who I am inside,” and, “quit judging a person solely on how his or her body looks…” I guess the point of this exercise is to help build positive self-image among young women who are daily bombarded by media images of tall, blonde, size zero models and celebrities with more replacement parts than my ’98 Acura, featured in sexy, revealing clothing on the pages of Seventeen Magazine, and others like it. Perhaps the Body Peace Treaty should read more like this: I vow never to touch, pick up, look at or read Seventeen Magazine, Glamour, Vogue, the Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue, or any other such piece of mindless drivel so long as draw breath. Amen.
New archeological research indicates that some Neanderthals may have had red hair. And I had microwave spaghetti for lunch. Whooptee freakin’ do! Why should anyone care that Carrot Top could have been a caveman? When you revive a redheaded Neanderthal you’ve found frozen in the ice, let me know. Until then, aren’t there some ancient ruins you people should be looking for?
According to an article on CNN.com, television sex scenes are becoming so hot they now rival porn. What kind of lame porn are these people watching?
In perhaps the most bizarre story of last week, a lock of Che Guevara’s hair was sold at auction for $100,000. What exactly does one do with a lock of a dead guy’s hair? I know the man is a legend, got his face on tee shirts and all that, but what are you going to do with his hair? Doesn’t sound like it’s enough to complete a comb-over. It’s certainly not enough to make into a weave. I guess maybe if you were trying to fill in an eyebrow or something…
The Georgia Supreme Court ruled that Genarlow Wilson be released from prison after serving two years of a ten year sentence for engaging in oral sex with a fifteen year old girl when he was seventeen, labeling the sentence “cruel and unusual punishment.” Wilson’s original conviction sparked the Georgia legislature to change the law that sent him to prison to include a so-called “Romeo and Juliet exception” to prevent this from happening to other teens. But for some reason, the prosecutor (what is it with Southern prosecutors?) felt Wilson should continue to rot in jail, even after the sponsors of the original law under which he was sentenced testified they never intended it to be used in the way it was. Rational thinking – 2, Southern prosecutors – 0.
Miss England revealed last Friday that she was told to fatten up for the upcoming Miss World competition in China on December 1 of this year. She said that pageant organizers “want their girls to be more voluptuous and womanly and curvy, you know, rather than the stick-thin, size-zero models you see around.” But Miss England isn’t exactly a broomstick. She’s 20 years old, 5’-8” tall and a size four. Now I know the average American woman is something like a size twelve or fourteen or so, but I don’t know, maybe British women are different. She’s at least four sizes above non-existent, give the girl a break. As long as she’s not standing in front of the donut table with a Hannibal Lecter mask on, wasting away for want of Boston Crème, let her be who she is. Of course, being a Brit, Miss England says she’ll give the whole weight gain thing a shot. How long do you think it’ll be before the pageant committee regrets this decision?
Finally, the Sunshine State provides us with what could be described as an example of road rage gone wrong. One angry male and one enraged female passenger realized the Toyota Corolla they were riding in just wasn’t’ big enough for the both of them, and decided to take their dispute outside. Outside in this case just happened to be the State Road 4 Northbound on-ramp to I-595 in Davie, Florida, a little after 4 a.m. last Thursday. Unfortunately, as they were beating the tar out of one another on the pavement, they failed to see a second Toyota accelerating up the ramp toward the Interstate. The combatants were struck by said Toyota and died at the scene. The cause of the fatal argument is still unknown. The moral of this story? Always look both ways before brawling in the middle of the street. Seriously. Both ways.
10.24.2007
The Roof... The Roof... The Roof Is On Fire...
Another week in review delayed by illness. But that’s the advantage of having a blog only six people read. No one cares if you miss a day. Anyway, now that the fever has broken, let’s get this show on the road.
In case you hadn’t heard, southern California is on fire. Again. Anywhere from 500,000 to a million people have been ordered to evacuate their homes and head for safety in the face of several massive wildfires sweeping across the state. Fortunately there have only been two reported deaths so far. I say ONLY because the last time this happened about four years ago, the death toll was much higher. I credit fewer instances of idiots saying, “I’ve lived here in this house all my life dammit, ain’t no little forest fire gonna drive me out of my home!”
Patriots vs. Colts, two weeks from now. Circle it on your calendars people. The winner of this game could be staring down the barrel of an undefeated season. Oh, and if the Rams and Dolphins get any worse, they may have to be demoted to the NCAA. Notre Dame could beat those two teams.
Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas has decided to end his bid for the Republican nomination for president of the United States. I’m sure that’s quite depressing for the three people who knew he was running, and the one person who actually cared. The real tragedy of the Senator’s decision is that the rest of us will now be deprived of Brownback jokes for the remainder of the primary season. And there were precious few of those to begin with.
Nobel Prize winner Dr. James Watson told a British newspaper last week that he was “inherently gloomy about the prospect of Africa” because “all our policies are based on the fact that their intelligence is the same as ours – whereas all the testing says not really. Dr. Watson is white. Most Africans are black. Later in the interview he noted that although he hoped everyone was equal, “people who have to deal with black employees find this not true.” Wow. I’m not even going to dignify that statement with a comment.
But speaking of the Nobel Prize, they’re just handing those things out to any old so-and-so now, aren’t they? Almost two weeks ago former vice president Al Gore received the Nobel Peace Prize for his work on global warming. Hmm. I must have missed something there. Peace Prize, for work on global warming. The Nobel committee’s explanation for the anomaly is that in the future, climate change caused by global warming will result in first regional, then global conflicts over dwindling resources. According the committee, simply imploring people to sit through “An Inconvenient Truth”, Gore has put an end to war and saved the future nations of the world from cannibalizing themselves in the pursuit of essential resources. Heck, if all you have to do to win a prize is raise awareness, I’d like to be considered for the Nobel Prize for Sarcasm. No other blog has done more in the past five minutes to raise awareness of sarcasm than this one. Where’s my little statue – and 1.3 million dollar cheque?
Headline: Children’s Literature – Now With More Gay Sex. That’s right, Professor Dumbledore is gay. The wise old headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and mentor of one Harry Potter has come out of the closet. Actually, he was outed by his creator, J.K.K. Rowling, when she learned that the screenplay for an upcoming film involved some back-story of a love between the fictional professor and a fictional woman. To my knowledge, the Harry Potter novels contain no description of sex, heavy petting, petting or thoughts of petting – gay or otherwise. So, why the sexual orientation of Professor Dumbledore is even remotely relevant – especially in what would more than likely be a flashback scene of less than a minute – is completely beyond my understanding. But, for what can only be described as no good reason whatsoever, Rowling felt the need to make a stand, be true to her imagination and strike the offending scene from the script. So, in case you couldn’t live without knowing the sexual orientation of your favorite literary characters, now you do. And for the record, there is no evidence to support a suspicious claim that it was actually Dumbledore and not Larry Craig who was caught soliciting gay sex in an airport bathroom. None at all.
In case you hadn’t heard, southern California is on fire. Again. Anywhere from 500,000 to a million people have been ordered to evacuate their homes and head for safety in the face of several massive wildfires sweeping across the state. Fortunately there have only been two reported deaths so far. I say ONLY because the last time this happened about four years ago, the death toll was much higher. I credit fewer instances of idiots saying, “I’ve lived here in this house all my life dammit, ain’t no little forest fire gonna drive me out of my home!”
Patriots vs. Colts, two weeks from now. Circle it on your calendars people. The winner of this game could be staring down the barrel of an undefeated season. Oh, and if the Rams and Dolphins get any worse, they may have to be demoted to the NCAA. Notre Dame could beat those two teams.
Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas has decided to end his bid for the Republican nomination for president of the United States. I’m sure that’s quite depressing for the three people who knew he was running, and the one person who actually cared. The real tragedy of the Senator’s decision is that the rest of us will now be deprived of Brownback jokes for the remainder of the primary season. And there were precious few of those to begin with.
Nobel Prize winner Dr. James Watson told a British newspaper last week that he was “inherently gloomy about the prospect of Africa” because “all our policies are based on the fact that their intelligence is the same as ours – whereas all the testing says not really. Dr. Watson is white. Most Africans are black. Later in the interview he noted that although he hoped everyone was equal, “people who have to deal with black employees find this not true.” Wow. I’m not even going to dignify that statement with a comment.
But speaking of the Nobel Prize, they’re just handing those things out to any old so-and-so now, aren’t they? Almost two weeks ago former vice president Al Gore received the Nobel Peace Prize for his work on global warming. Hmm. I must have missed something there. Peace Prize, for work on global warming. The Nobel committee’s explanation for the anomaly is that in the future, climate change caused by global warming will result in first regional, then global conflicts over dwindling resources. According the committee, simply imploring people to sit through “An Inconvenient Truth”, Gore has put an end to war and saved the future nations of the world from cannibalizing themselves in the pursuit of essential resources. Heck, if all you have to do to win a prize is raise awareness, I’d like to be considered for the Nobel Prize for Sarcasm. No other blog has done more in the past five minutes to raise awareness of sarcasm than this one. Where’s my little statue – and 1.3 million dollar cheque?
Headline: Children’s Literature – Now With More Gay Sex. That’s right, Professor Dumbledore is gay. The wise old headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and mentor of one Harry Potter has come out of the closet. Actually, he was outed by his creator, J.K.K. Rowling, when she learned that the screenplay for an upcoming film involved some back-story of a love between the fictional professor and a fictional woman. To my knowledge, the Harry Potter novels contain no description of sex, heavy petting, petting or thoughts of petting – gay or otherwise. So, why the sexual orientation of Professor Dumbledore is even remotely relevant – especially in what would more than likely be a flashback scene of less than a minute – is completely beyond my understanding. But, for what can only be described as no good reason whatsoever, Rowling felt the need to make a stand, be true to her imagination and strike the offending scene from the script. So, in case you couldn’t live without knowing the sexual orientation of your favorite literary characters, now you do. And for the record, there is no evidence to support a suspicious claim that it was actually Dumbledore and not Larry Craig who was caught soliciting gay sex in an airport bathroom. None at all.
10.18.2007
...Homer Simpson, Smiling Politely
This post is not about football. But there is one football item I simply have to mention.
Ever have one of those moments where someone you typically think of as reasonably intelligent says something so profoundly stupid that you find yourself just staring off into space wondering when you were deposited in the Twilight Zone? Following a loss to the New England Patriots this past Sunday, Dallas Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips was asked what his game plan had been and what had gone wrong. Coach Phillips replied something to the effect of the following: “Our game plan was to shut down Sammie Morris and the New England running game and make Tom Brady beat us throwing the football.” What? Really? That was your plan? Seriously? Your defensive scheme was to focus your attention on the third string running back and let the three-time Superbowl champion quarterback and his Pro Bowl receivers roam free on the field? That’s like Lex Luthor saying, “you know what, I need to keep an eye on Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen, but heck, I’ll just let Superman do whatever he wants. What could possibly go wrong?” I wonder if that was the game plan when Wade’s San Diego defense met Brady’s Patriots in the playoffs last year? Might explain a few things. A word of advice to Wade Phillips. Get a new plan.
This past weekend I accompanied my wife to her ten-year high school reunion. Now, before I go any further I have to give kudos to my wife. I can be (and have been) a royal pain in the you-know-what when I’m forced to do something I have no interest in doing. But she dealt with me superbly – mostly by ignoring my complaints until I shut up – and even managed to have a pretty good time in spite of me. Anyway, back to the story.
The idea of the reunion is awkward for me – especially when that reunion isn’t mine. There are probably six people from my senior class that I’d like to see again. And inevitably those are the people who decide not to show up. This then leads to an eternal afternoon of fake smiles and tired waves at the host of others you wish had just stayed home. It’s bad enough standing around being judged by a group of people you barely remember and for the most part didn’t like, but who vividly remember how un-cool you were those four years. It’s something else entirely to stand around at the reunion of your considerably more popular wife, being judged by people she knows pretty well but you’ve never met, and in six hours will probably never see again. If you say something stupid and/or make a fool of yourself there’s no time to recover. They all go home thinking, “Gee, it sure was nice to see her again. Too bad she went and married that moron.”
Part of the point of the reunion is to find out how much everyone’s changed since the last time you saw them. The irony of course is that once everyone gets into the same room you realize that nothing’s all that different. The cool people then are still cool now, and while the geeks may have traded their glasses for contacts, they’re still geeks at heart. The stories may be new, but the cliques are the same. Sure, there’s always the exception to the rule - that one short, French horn playing, A/V club dude who’s now the dashing investment banker with the Aston Martin and the hot European wife. But for the most part, everyone is just an older (wiser?) version of who they were.
There were a couple bright spots though. I learned all about music recording and production from a former class officer who is now a sound engineer in Nashville. But more importantly I had the opportunity to spend some quality time in conversation with my wife’s best friend. I first met her when my wife and I started dating in college, and from our very first meeting I got the feeling she didn’t care for me all that much. Through the following years and her move to the East coast we barely had a conversation beyond courteous pleasantries, let alone anything meaningful. Even at our wedding where she was the maid of honor I always got the feeling that she really just tolerated me for my wife’s sake. True or false as that impression may have been, it’s always led me to feel – and therefore be awkward and uncomfortable around her. Well, for about 45 minutes last Saturday, while my social butterfly wife was off flitting from old friend to old friend, her best friend and I actually sat down and had a conversation. I don’t remember what we talked about, and I guess it doesn’t really matter. The conversation itself was the important part. Long story short, the awkwardness is gone, and it was nice to take a break from smiling politely to be real with someone.
So the weekend wasn’t a total loss. It could have been worse. They could have issued me a nametag as well. But it’s going to be at least fifteen years before I go back to another one – mine or otherwise. It’s going to take at least that long to come up with a clever story of what’s happened since the last time I flashed them my pearly whites.
Ever have one of those moments where someone you typically think of as reasonably intelligent says something so profoundly stupid that you find yourself just staring off into space wondering when you were deposited in the Twilight Zone? Following a loss to the New England Patriots this past Sunday, Dallas Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips was asked what his game plan had been and what had gone wrong. Coach Phillips replied something to the effect of the following: “Our game plan was to shut down Sammie Morris and the New England running game and make Tom Brady beat us throwing the football.” What? Really? That was your plan? Seriously? Your defensive scheme was to focus your attention on the third string running back and let the three-time Superbowl champion quarterback and his Pro Bowl receivers roam free on the field? That’s like Lex Luthor saying, “you know what, I need to keep an eye on Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen, but heck, I’ll just let Superman do whatever he wants. What could possibly go wrong?” I wonder if that was the game plan when Wade’s San Diego defense met Brady’s Patriots in the playoffs last year? Might explain a few things. A word of advice to Wade Phillips. Get a new plan.
This past weekend I accompanied my wife to her ten-year high school reunion. Now, before I go any further I have to give kudos to my wife. I can be (and have been) a royal pain in the you-know-what when I’m forced to do something I have no interest in doing. But she dealt with me superbly – mostly by ignoring my complaints until I shut up – and even managed to have a pretty good time in spite of me. Anyway, back to the story.
The idea of the reunion is awkward for me – especially when that reunion isn’t mine. There are probably six people from my senior class that I’d like to see again. And inevitably those are the people who decide not to show up. This then leads to an eternal afternoon of fake smiles and tired waves at the host of others you wish had just stayed home. It’s bad enough standing around being judged by a group of people you barely remember and for the most part didn’t like, but who vividly remember how un-cool you were those four years. It’s something else entirely to stand around at the reunion of your considerably more popular wife, being judged by people she knows pretty well but you’ve never met, and in six hours will probably never see again. If you say something stupid and/or make a fool of yourself there’s no time to recover. They all go home thinking, “Gee, it sure was nice to see her again. Too bad she went and married that moron.”
Part of the point of the reunion is to find out how much everyone’s changed since the last time you saw them. The irony of course is that once everyone gets into the same room you realize that nothing’s all that different. The cool people then are still cool now, and while the geeks may have traded their glasses for contacts, they’re still geeks at heart. The stories may be new, but the cliques are the same. Sure, there’s always the exception to the rule - that one short, French horn playing, A/V club dude who’s now the dashing investment banker with the Aston Martin and the hot European wife. But for the most part, everyone is just an older (wiser?) version of who they were.
There were a couple bright spots though. I learned all about music recording and production from a former class officer who is now a sound engineer in Nashville. But more importantly I had the opportunity to spend some quality time in conversation with my wife’s best friend. I first met her when my wife and I started dating in college, and from our very first meeting I got the feeling she didn’t care for me all that much. Through the following years and her move to the East coast we barely had a conversation beyond courteous pleasantries, let alone anything meaningful. Even at our wedding where she was the maid of honor I always got the feeling that she really just tolerated me for my wife’s sake. True or false as that impression may have been, it’s always led me to feel – and therefore be awkward and uncomfortable around her. Well, for about 45 minutes last Saturday, while my social butterfly wife was off flitting from old friend to old friend, her best friend and I actually sat down and had a conversation. I don’t remember what we talked about, and I guess it doesn’t really matter. The conversation itself was the important part. Long story short, the awkwardness is gone, and it was nice to take a break from smiling politely to be real with someone.
So the weekend wasn’t a total loss. It could have been worse. They could have issued me a nametag as well. But it’s going to be at least fifteen years before I go back to another one – mine or otherwise. It’s going to take at least that long to come up with a clever story of what’s happened since the last time I flashed them my pearly whites.
10.16.2007
Breakfast of Champions
Since a Giants Falcons football game is more or less equal to a four year old rerun of a budget debate on C-SPAN, we’ll get started a little early. Also, I’m sure I say this every week, but I’m feeling a little under the weather, so we’ll keep this one a little shorter. It helps that absolutely nothing worth talking about happened this past week. Well, with the exception of the following items.
Football first. A falling camera came fairly close to taking out both Seattle Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck and wide receiver Bobby Engram during their game against the New Orleans Saints Sunday night. The incident was described later on by several Seattle players and coaches as unsettling and a little scary. Kind of like the play of the Seahawks against a previously winless New Orleans team. If you thought – like I did - that last week’s Bears Packers game was the benchmark for bizarre coaching and on field decisions, this one was at least as whacky – if not more so. Oh, and somebody tell the ’72 Dolphins to “get their popcorn ready.” If the New England Patriots get past the Indianapolis Colts in three weeks, we’ll be staring down the barrel of the first 16-0 season in 35 years. This could be the perfect compliment to a possible 0-16 season from both the ’07 Miami Dolphins and the St. Louis Rams. Strange season this is.
Last week Wednesday the United Auto Workers decided they had reached an impasse with Chrysler and walked out on strike. Less than six hours later, all the issues they had been unable to resolve during months of negotiation magically resolved themselves, and everybody went back to work like nothing ever happened. So let that be a lesson to everyone. Whatever issues you may have, striking is obviously the solution. Strike hard, strike fast, and strike often.
For all of you who wake up every morning, slump over the newspaper at your kitchen table, stare blankly at your lone Pop Tart and half cup of coffee thinking there has to be more to breakfast than this, you don’t have to suffer anymore. This morning Hardee’s released its new Country Breakfast Burrito. This is not your grandfather’s breakfast burrito – assuming your grandfather consumed breakfast burritos. This is two egg omelets stuffed with bacon, sausage, diced ham, cheddar cheese, hash browns and gravy, all rolled up tightly in a flour tortilla. This portable heart attack contains 920 calories and sixty grams of fat. If you were stupid enough to squeeze one of these through the arteries for breakfast, then round out the day with only a 1,420 calorie Monster Thickburger for lunch, (two 1/3 pound beef patties, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese, mayo and a buttered bun) and an 1,100 calorie (83 grams of fat) Chicken Salad for dinner, you would have consumed 3,440 calories and over 150 grams of fat before bedtime. Not including fries, onion rings and/or soda. That’s a lot of sit-ups. Hardee’s claims they are merely trying to provide their core customers (young men ages 18 to 34) with menu options, which will fill them up. Maybe they should change their slogan. Hardee’s. We’ll fill you out. Hardee’s. Now with free cholesterol screening. Hardee’s. You don’t NEED to see your feet, do you?
Oil prices hit a record $86 a barrel today, closing at $86.13. It won’t be too long before that starts to translate into $3 plus at the gas pump. Of course, some idiot felt the need to explain that oil prices are still below inflation-adjusted highs reached in the early 1980s. That would be fantastic – IF I LIVED IN 1980! But I don’t! I live in 2007, and oil is $86 a barrel right now! Twenty-seven years ago I was three years old. So what! Nobody cares about the cost of oil 27 years ago! What is wrong with these people?
In an absolutely stunning turn of events, two of the co-defendants in the O.J. Simpson armed robbery case in Las Vegas have agreed to plead guilty and testify against him. Surprise! Apparently, what happens in Vegas, can keep you in Vegas - for fifteen to life.
Idaho Senator Larry Craig (him again?) has decided he has not yet begun to embarrass himself, and will appear in a primetime interview with Matt Lauer this Tuesday in an attempt to convince the public that he is not now – nor ever has been interested in gay sex. Of course, the interview will air on NBC, so all of six people might see it. Why would Matt Lauer agree to waste his time with this mess? He must really be hurting for ratings since Katie left.
And finally, not to be outdone by gay sex in an airport bathroom, some genius in Woodland, California is desperately trying to hold on to his dental license by claiming that fondling the breasts of 27 female patients is entirely appropriate in certain cases. The dental breast inspector himself claims that he routinely massaged patients’ chests to treat temporo-mandibular joint disorder, which causes head and neck pain. Anybody willing to bet the only pain in the neck those 27 women had was this guy? How could he possibly explain what he was doing with a straight face? “Don’t worry ma’am, I’m a licensed professional. Of course we covered breast massages in dental school! Everyone knows nipple sensitivity is directly related to tooth decay and gum disease, and this gentle pressure with rotation I’m applying here is designed to harden the enamel and rejuvenate the gums!” Hmm. Can you hear that? That's the sound of freshman physics majors all over the country switching to dentistry.
Football first. A falling camera came fairly close to taking out both Seattle Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck and wide receiver Bobby Engram during their game against the New Orleans Saints Sunday night. The incident was described later on by several Seattle players and coaches as unsettling and a little scary. Kind of like the play of the Seahawks against a previously winless New Orleans team. If you thought – like I did - that last week’s Bears Packers game was the benchmark for bizarre coaching and on field decisions, this one was at least as whacky – if not more so. Oh, and somebody tell the ’72 Dolphins to “get their popcorn ready.” If the New England Patriots get past the Indianapolis Colts in three weeks, we’ll be staring down the barrel of the first 16-0 season in 35 years. This could be the perfect compliment to a possible 0-16 season from both the ’07 Miami Dolphins and the St. Louis Rams. Strange season this is.
Last week Wednesday the United Auto Workers decided they had reached an impasse with Chrysler and walked out on strike. Less than six hours later, all the issues they had been unable to resolve during months of negotiation magically resolved themselves, and everybody went back to work like nothing ever happened. So let that be a lesson to everyone. Whatever issues you may have, striking is obviously the solution. Strike hard, strike fast, and strike often.
For all of you who wake up every morning, slump over the newspaper at your kitchen table, stare blankly at your lone Pop Tart and half cup of coffee thinking there has to be more to breakfast than this, you don’t have to suffer anymore. This morning Hardee’s released its new Country Breakfast Burrito. This is not your grandfather’s breakfast burrito – assuming your grandfather consumed breakfast burritos. This is two egg omelets stuffed with bacon, sausage, diced ham, cheddar cheese, hash browns and gravy, all rolled up tightly in a flour tortilla. This portable heart attack contains 920 calories and sixty grams of fat. If you were stupid enough to squeeze one of these through the arteries for breakfast, then round out the day with only a 1,420 calorie Monster Thickburger for lunch, (two 1/3 pound beef patties, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese, mayo and a buttered bun) and an 1,100 calorie (83 grams of fat) Chicken Salad for dinner, you would have consumed 3,440 calories and over 150 grams of fat before bedtime. Not including fries, onion rings and/or soda. That’s a lot of sit-ups. Hardee’s claims they are merely trying to provide their core customers (young men ages 18 to 34) with menu options, which will fill them up. Maybe they should change their slogan. Hardee’s. We’ll fill you out. Hardee’s. Now with free cholesterol screening. Hardee’s. You don’t NEED to see your feet, do you?
Oil prices hit a record $86 a barrel today, closing at $86.13. It won’t be too long before that starts to translate into $3 plus at the gas pump. Of course, some idiot felt the need to explain that oil prices are still below inflation-adjusted highs reached in the early 1980s. That would be fantastic – IF I LIVED IN 1980! But I don’t! I live in 2007, and oil is $86 a barrel right now! Twenty-seven years ago I was three years old. So what! Nobody cares about the cost of oil 27 years ago! What is wrong with these people?
In an absolutely stunning turn of events, two of the co-defendants in the O.J. Simpson armed robbery case in Las Vegas have agreed to plead guilty and testify against him. Surprise! Apparently, what happens in Vegas, can keep you in Vegas - for fifteen to life.
Idaho Senator Larry Craig (him again?) has decided he has not yet begun to embarrass himself, and will appear in a primetime interview with Matt Lauer this Tuesday in an attempt to convince the public that he is not now – nor ever has been interested in gay sex. Of course, the interview will air on NBC, so all of six people might see it. Why would Matt Lauer agree to waste his time with this mess? He must really be hurting for ratings since Katie left.
And finally, not to be outdone by gay sex in an airport bathroom, some genius in Woodland, California is desperately trying to hold on to his dental license by claiming that fondling the breasts of 27 female patients is entirely appropriate in certain cases. The dental breast inspector himself claims that he routinely massaged patients’ chests to treat temporo-mandibular joint disorder, which causes head and neck pain. Anybody willing to bet the only pain in the neck those 27 women had was this guy? How could he possibly explain what he was doing with a straight face? “Don’t worry ma’am, I’m a licensed professional. Of course we covered breast massages in dental school! Everyone knows nipple sensitivity is directly related to tooth decay and gum disease, and this gentle pressure with rotation I’m applying here is designed to harden the enamel and rejuvenate the gums!” Hmm. Can you hear that? That's the sound of freshman physics majors all over the country switching to dentistry.
10.10.2007
How Did That Get There?
Again this post is a day late. The story of my life. Too much going on Monday nights. I think I need to get some ESPN for my second television. Anyway, on to the weekend review.
After years of vehemently denying that she Ben Johnsoned the 2000 Olympics, sprinter Marion Jones finally admitted she was hopped up on “the Clear” around the time she won her five medals in Sydney, Australia. In a teary confession/apology, Jones said she will return her ill-gotten gains to the International Olympic Committee, accepted a two-year ban from competition, and decided to retire on the spot. I guess this goes to prove the adage that cheaters sometimes do win – before they lose.
In response to a New York Times article revealing more memos the Administration wrote in support of what some have labeled questionable interrogation tactics, both President Bush and his press secretary proclaimed to anyone who would listen that the U.S. government does not torture suspects during interrogation. Cleverly, they also refused to define exactly what their definition of torture is. Doesn’t this feel a little like “it depends on what the meaning of ‘is’ is?” Just another day at the office for the Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink, Just Trust Us Administration.
Senator Larry Craig (this guy again?) is being inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame – which I understand is the abandoned grain silo next to mile marker 56 on Interstate 84. Seriously, Idaho has a Hall of Fame? Really? And they want to feature Larry Craig? Did Mr. Potatohead turn them down? Maybe I just missed the National Professional Airport Bathroom Gay Sex League Playoffs on ESPN this weekend.
For the third straight quarter, Senator Barack Obama managed to raise over $20 million dollars for his presidential campaign. I wish I’d had this guy managing my fifth grade bake sales. Imagine the windfall from the sugar cookies.
During a civics presentation to a high school class, State Representative Matthew Barrett was startled – and embarrassed to find that before a bill becomes law it must be signed by topless women. Somehow, several nudie pictures had mysteriously mixed themselves in with the rest of his PowerPoint presentation. After class, Mr. Barrett had the memory stick he used during his presentation examined by the school’s technology director, who determined that in addition to the presentation, the stick also contained a directory of nude images. Barrett said he has “no idea where these came from.” Sure. I think I’ve seen this on an episode of Cops. That guys said the crack pipe in his glove box wasn’t his either. Somebody alert Best Buy, apparently all memory sticks now come preloaded with softcore porn. The Representative also claims he received the memory stick as gift from a legislative liaison from the state Library of Ohio three weeks ago. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts, right?
A Wisconsin Sheriff’s deputy, humiliated by an ex-girlfriend and others at a party, later returned and shot six of the seven remaining partygoers to death. Guns don’t kill people. Bullets do.
If you want to see how not to coach a football game, watch the tape of the Bears Packers game from Sunday night. Note to Mike McCarthy; if you want to know how to coach a game, watch the tape of the Dallas Buffalo game from Monday night. Give the ball to your playmakers and let them make plays, and stick to what you do best. Don’t stop doing something because it’s working. Oh, and if you want to see how to blow a call even after you’ve reviewed the replay, see one James Jones (non)fumble and one Edgerrin James (non)touchdown. Why bother having instant replay if you’re still going to screw up the call?
Finally, an arbitrator has ruled that ex- Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick must repay nearly $20 million in bonus money he received from the team for signing his 10 year $130 million dollar contract in December of 2004. If Vick wants to rehabilitate his image I would like to offer a suggestion. Instead of fighting tooth and nail to hold on the money, wouldn’t it be great if Vick could work out a way for at least a significant portion of that $20 million to somehow find it’s way to the Humane Society for the care and adoption of homeless animals? Just a thought. I have many. Every once in a while one just slips out.
After years of vehemently denying that she Ben Johnsoned the 2000 Olympics, sprinter Marion Jones finally admitted she was hopped up on “the Clear” around the time she won her five medals in Sydney, Australia. In a teary confession/apology, Jones said she will return her ill-gotten gains to the International Olympic Committee, accepted a two-year ban from competition, and decided to retire on the spot. I guess this goes to prove the adage that cheaters sometimes do win – before they lose.
In response to a New York Times article revealing more memos the Administration wrote in support of what some have labeled questionable interrogation tactics, both President Bush and his press secretary proclaimed to anyone who would listen that the U.S. government does not torture suspects during interrogation. Cleverly, they also refused to define exactly what their definition of torture is. Doesn’t this feel a little like “it depends on what the meaning of ‘is’ is?” Just another day at the office for the Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink, Just Trust Us Administration.
Senator Larry Craig (this guy again?) is being inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame – which I understand is the abandoned grain silo next to mile marker 56 on Interstate 84. Seriously, Idaho has a Hall of Fame? Really? And they want to feature Larry Craig? Did Mr. Potatohead turn them down? Maybe I just missed the National Professional Airport Bathroom Gay Sex League Playoffs on ESPN this weekend.
For the third straight quarter, Senator Barack Obama managed to raise over $20 million dollars for his presidential campaign. I wish I’d had this guy managing my fifth grade bake sales. Imagine the windfall from the sugar cookies.
During a civics presentation to a high school class, State Representative Matthew Barrett was startled – and embarrassed to find that before a bill becomes law it must be signed by topless women. Somehow, several nudie pictures had mysteriously mixed themselves in with the rest of his PowerPoint presentation. After class, Mr. Barrett had the memory stick he used during his presentation examined by the school’s technology director, who determined that in addition to the presentation, the stick also contained a directory of nude images. Barrett said he has “no idea where these came from.” Sure. I think I’ve seen this on an episode of Cops. That guys said the crack pipe in his glove box wasn’t his either. Somebody alert Best Buy, apparently all memory sticks now come preloaded with softcore porn. The Representative also claims he received the memory stick as gift from a legislative liaison from the state Library of Ohio three weeks ago. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts, right?
A Wisconsin Sheriff’s deputy, humiliated by an ex-girlfriend and others at a party, later returned and shot six of the seven remaining partygoers to death. Guns don’t kill people. Bullets do.
If you want to see how not to coach a football game, watch the tape of the Bears Packers game from Sunday night. Note to Mike McCarthy; if you want to know how to coach a game, watch the tape of the Dallas Buffalo game from Monday night. Give the ball to your playmakers and let them make plays, and stick to what you do best. Don’t stop doing something because it’s working. Oh, and if you want to see how to blow a call even after you’ve reviewed the replay, see one James Jones (non)fumble and one Edgerrin James (non)touchdown. Why bother having instant replay if you’re still going to screw up the call?
Finally, an arbitrator has ruled that ex- Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick must repay nearly $20 million in bonus money he received from the team for signing his 10 year $130 million dollar contract in December of 2004. If Vick wants to rehabilitate his image I would like to offer a suggestion. Instead of fighting tooth and nail to hold on the money, wouldn’t it be great if Vick could work out a way for at least a significant portion of that $20 million to somehow find it’s way to the Humane Society for the care and adoption of homeless animals? Just a thought. I have many. Every once in a while one just slips out.
10.04.2007
Into That Good Night
Just when you thought it was safe to go back into an airport bathroom, some creepy wrinkled fingers reach under the stall partition and grab hold of your leg. That’s right people, “wide stance” Larry Craig is back. And he is going nowhere fast. This afternoon a Minnesota judge denied Senator Craig’s request to have his guilty plea vacated, ruling that the plea was entered “accurately, voluntarily and intelligently,” and was supported by the evidence. Yet, despite a promise to resign from office if the court ruled against him, Craig has vowed to continue to embarrass himself publicly in national newspaper articles and cable television sound bites.
Some people just don’t know when to go away. Perhaps he doesn’t realize how foolish he looks. Or maybe he thinks that by continuing to beat people over the head with his fuzzy logic and absurd explanations, they will eventually forget about what happened in the first place and dismiss these – and all future antics – as “just Larry being Larry.” But what Senator Craig doesn’t seem understand is that “just being Larry”, doesn’t amount to much.
It takes a special kind of person to look everyone in the eye, lie through his teeth and get away with it. And it’s pretty obvious that Larry Craig is no Bill Clinton. He’s not even O.J. Simpson. Okay, maybe that’s not entirely true. He does share O.J.'s inability to keep his mouth shut and stay out of sight. But the point is this: Larry Craig is the no-name, generic representative of a state more famous for potatoes than for people. In the grand political scheme of things he is inconsequential. But for some reason, he has deluded himself into believing he is more than the sum of those parts. He is convinced that the greater good can only be served if he takes a stand on behalf of every honest, upstanding citizen who has ever solicited gay sex in an airport bathroom, then denied doing it, then admitted to it, then denied it again when it became public.
There is something to be said for wanting to be more than you are. Everyone should strive to exceed his potential. But there’s a fine line between reaching for the stars and pulling them down on your head. Senator Craig needs to respect that line. It may be true that quitters never win and winners never quit. But people who never win and never quit, are just stupid.
Some people just don’t know when to go away. Perhaps he doesn’t realize how foolish he looks. Or maybe he thinks that by continuing to beat people over the head with his fuzzy logic and absurd explanations, they will eventually forget about what happened in the first place and dismiss these – and all future antics – as “just Larry being Larry.” But what Senator Craig doesn’t seem understand is that “just being Larry”, doesn’t amount to much.
It takes a special kind of person to look everyone in the eye, lie through his teeth and get away with it. And it’s pretty obvious that Larry Craig is no Bill Clinton. He’s not even O.J. Simpson. Okay, maybe that’s not entirely true. He does share O.J.'s inability to keep his mouth shut and stay out of sight. But the point is this: Larry Craig is the no-name, generic representative of a state more famous for potatoes than for people. In the grand political scheme of things he is inconsequential. But for some reason, he has deluded himself into believing he is more than the sum of those parts. He is convinced that the greater good can only be served if he takes a stand on behalf of every honest, upstanding citizen who has ever solicited gay sex in an airport bathroom, then denied doing it, then admitted to it, then denied it again when it became public.
There is something to be said for wanting to be more than you are. Everyone should strive to exceed his potential. But there’s a fine line between reaching for the stars and pulling them down on your head. Senator Craig needs to respect that line. It may be true that quitters never win and winners never quit. But people who never win and never quit, are just stupid.
10.03.2007
The Wheels on the Bus
Wow, is it Tuesday already? Time really flies when all your fantasy football teams are losing.
Due to circumstances beyond my control (i.e. my real job), and the fact that it’s been a pretty slow news week, today’s blurb will be a short one. Short but sweet. Like Gidget.
A very angry Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas appeared on 60 Minutes this past Sunday night. It seems that among other things, Justice Thomas is still raging mad about the travishamockery that was his confirmation hearing sixteen years ago. Seriously Clarence, chill out. Have a Coke. You won man. We’ve been through three presidents and two Gulf Wars since you replaced Thurgood Marshall on the high court, and you are still there. People who liked you then, still like you now and those who didn’t, still don’t. It’s been sixteen years. Get over it.
Less than one day after the United Auto Workers went on strike last week, they struck a deal with General Motors and called the whole thing off. Just this past Monday morning the Michigan state government shut down for four hours before re-opening as the legislature finally came to an agreement to balance the state budget. I have an idea. In the future, let’s save everybody a whole lot of time and trouble by starting negotiations right at the strike or closure deadline. Nothing ever gets done until that point anyway. Why pretend that anything said up until that point is anything but media fodder.
A judge has ordered everyone’s favorite panty-less mother Britney Spears to turn full custody of her two kids over to ex-husband Kevin Federline. If anyone had told me two years ago that Federline would be the one to walk away from that relationship with his dignity intact I would have questioned his or her sanity. Looks like the joke’s on us.
The chairman of the Security Contractor Blackwater U.S.A., Erik Prince, testified on Capitol Hill today regarding the actions of his company and its employees in Iraq. At least I’m not the only one who thinks it might be a problem to have non-state actors employed by the government running around a foreign country with automatic weapons and licenses to kill, without any oversight or accountability. More on this mess in a subsequent post.
Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre broke Dan Marino’s record for most career passing touchdowns with numbers 421 & 422 coming against the Minnesota Vikings this past Sunday. Football is a young man’s game, and it’s great to see an “old man” like Favre (soon to be 38) still playing the game with the same enthusiasm he played with when he was 27, and doing it better than a lot of guys ten years younger than he is. Congratulations Brett, on breaking records and a fantastic career, which now seems to be far from over. It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. And yes, that is Peyton Manning in your rear view mirror.
Finally, last week, Hope Solo, the undefeated – and by all accounts very talented goaltender of the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team was benched for the semi-final game at the Women’s World Cup against Brazil in favor of the much older World Cup & Olympic Champion Brianna Scurry. The U.S. went on to lose that game 4-0, and right after the match Solo found a camera and a microphone and let the whole world know just how upset she was. She explained – in no uncertain terms – that her coach was incompetent at best, stupid at worst, and that her teammate was a washed up relic of a bygone era. Later, she tried to blunt her comments by issuing an “apology” on her blog, saying it was a shame people thought she made derogatory comments about her teammate when she was clearly only referring to the ineptitude of her coach. Come on Hope. Be a (wo)man. Apologize for real. You don’t have to lie – we know you meant what you said. But instead of blaming people for “misunderstanding” you, what you should have said was “I said some things to the media that I shouldn’t have said, and I’d like to apologize to the team for that.” That’s it, end of story. Look, everything you said about your coach was true. Everyone who knows anything about goaltenders knows that you don’t screw around with a goaltender’s mojo. If they’re hot, leave ‘em in, if they’re not, take ‘em out. But if you have a problem with him or your teammates, you take it up with them in private. You do not come out on national television and throw them under the bus, then think you can make it all go away with a lame fake apology on a website. An apology IS an admission that one has said or done something one should not have said or done, and would therefore wish to express regret for saying or doing so. An apology IS NOT an explanation that some idiot took your “obviously” benign statement out of context and that you regret that anyone might have taken offense to what they were dumb enough to think they thought they heard you say.
Due to circumstances beyond my control (i.e. my real job), and the fact that it’s been a pretty slow news week, today’s blurb will be a short one. Short but sweet. Like Gidget.
A very angry Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas appeared on 60 Minutes this past Sunday night. It seems that among other things, Justice Thomas is still raging mad about the travishamockery that was his confirmation hearing sixteen years ago. Seriously Clarence, chill out. Have a Coke. You won man. We’ve been through three presidents and two Gulf Wars since you replaced Thurgood Marshall on the high court, and you are still there. People who liked you then, still like you now and those who didn’t, still don’t. It’s been sixteen years. Get over it.
Less than one day after the United Auto Workers went on strike last week, they struck a deal with General Motors and called the whole thing off. Just this past Monday morning the Michigan state government shut down for four hours before re-opening as the legislature finally came to an agreement to balance the state budget. I have an idea. In the future, let’s save everybody a whole lot of time and trouble by starting negotiations right at the strike or closure deadline. Nothing ever gets done until that point anyway. Why pretend that anything said up until that point is anything but media fodder.
A judge has ordered everyone’s favorite panty-less mother Britney Spears to turn full custody of her two kids over to ex-husband Kevin Federline. If anyone had told me two years ago that Federline would be the one to walk away from that relationship with his dignity intact I would have questioned his or her sanity. Looks like the joke’s on us.
The chairman of the Security Contractor Blackwater U.S.A., Erik Prince, testified on Capitol Hill today regarding the actions of his company and its employees in Iraq. At least I’m not the only one who thinks it might be a problem to have non-state actors employed by the government running around a foreign country with automatic weapons and licenses to kill, without any oversight or accountability. More on this mess in a subsequent post.
Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre broke Dan Marino’s record for most career passing touchdowns with numbers 421 & 422 coming against the Minnesota Vikings this past Sunday. Football is a young man’s game, and it’s great to see an “old man” like Favre (soon to be 38) still playing the game with the same enthusiasm he played with when he was 27, and doing it better than a lot of guys ten years younger than he is. Congratulations Brett, on breaking records and a fantastic career, which now seems to be far from over. It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. And yes, that is Peyton Manning in your rear view mirror.
Finally, last week, Hope Solo, the undefeated – and by all accounts very talented goaltender of the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team was benched for the semi-final game at the Women’s World Cup against Brazil in favor of the much older World Cup & Olympic Champion Brianna Scurry. The U.S. went on to lose that game 4-0, and right after the match Solo found a camera and a microphone and let the whole world know just how upset she was. She explained – in no uncertain terms – that her coach was incompetent at best, stupid at worst, and that her teammate was a washed up relic of a bygone era. Later, she tried to blunt her comments by issuing an “apology” on her blog, saying it was a shame people thought she made derogatory comments about her teammate when she was clearly only referring to the ineptitude of her coach. Come on Hope. Be a (wo)man. Apologize for real. You don’t have to lie – we know you meant what you said. But instead of blaming people for “misunderstanding” you, what you should have said was “I said some things to the media that I shouldn’t have said, and I’d like to apologize to the team for that.” That’s it, end of story. Look, everything you said about your coach was true. Everyone who knows anything about goaltenders knows that you don’t screw around with a goaltender’s mojo. If they’re hot, leave ‘em in, if they’re not, take ‘em out. But if you have a problem with him or your teammates, you take it up with them in private. You do not come out on national television and throw them under the bus, then think you can make it all go away with a lame fake apology on a website. An apology IS an admission that one has said or done something one should not have said or done, and would therefore wish to express regret for saying or doing so. An apology IS NOT an explanation that some idiot took your “obviously” benign statement out of context and that you regret that anyone might have taken offense to what they were dumb enough to think they thought they heard you say.
9.25.2007
Look Ma, No Hands!
It’s that time again. You know, that special time of the week when you all drop what you’re doing, scramble to your computers and dial up this blog, eagerly awaiting each word I have so painstakingly written for the weekend wrap-up. Oh, sorry. Must have been daydreaming again. It’s only Monday.
In an absolutely stunning revelation this week, on par with the recent shocker that men prefer hot women to, well, not-so-hot women, studies released late last week show that dogs may have feelings. Well ain’t that some $#*!. Any human being half alive and not named Michael Vick knows dogs have feelings. That goes doubly so for anyone who has a dog for a pet. How many geeks in little white lab coats do we need telling us things we already know? And why are people continuously being paid to tell us what we already know? If you have to pay someone for useless information, pay me.
Former CBS news anchor and living news legend Dan Rather has decided to sue CBS for 70 million dollars over his resignation / dismissal following an ill-researched, ill-vetted, ill-advised story on president Bush’s National Guard service – or lack thereof. Sounds like Mr. Rather is looking to get paid. Maybe he should have listened to Mike Wallace when Mike told everyone at the network that would listen that 60 Minutes 2 was a bad idea. Wonder if CBS needs an intern?
Speaking of president Bush, in a speech last week cattle-prodding Congress to make his domestic spying alterations to the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act permanent, G.B. Jr. made a statement which sounded something like “nobody has to worry about the motivation of the government as it relates to domestic surveillance.” Hmm. Somebody might actually be tempted to take you seriously Mr. President if you didn’t insist on keeping everything you say and do a secret. I’m on some kind of watch list now, aren’t I?
The United Auto Workers Union declared a strike at all General Motors' factories around the country at 11:00 Monday morning after weeks of intense negotiations. What could possibly go wrong with this idea? I’m sure the American automakers – not to mention the state of Michigan – will welcome this development with open arms. Toyota doesn’t even have to compete anymore. They can just stand around and wait for the Big Three and the UAW to cannibalize each other. GM, Ford and Chrysler need to start building cars people want. And the union has to learn – hopefully sooner than later – what every non-union employee in America figured out a long time ago. There is no such thing as job security anymore.
This week's Darwin award goes to a group of idiots in the great swing state of Ohio. A blind man was killed in a single vehicle accident as a result of his friends allowing him to drive an ATV all by himself. Now, I’ve never driven an ATV, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that all terrain vehicles, and the terrain on which they are typically driven, are less than conducive to sightless driving. Yet somehow this man was able to talk several other human beings into letting him drive solo. With friends like those…
Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers was stunned to receive a response to his frivolous lawsuit last Thursday from none other than God himself – twice. Yes, Senator Chambers, an avowed agnostic (hmm, "I swear, I have no idea what I believe!"), had sued the Man Upstairs last week, seeking a permanent injunction against him for making terrorist threats, inspiring fear and causing “widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants.” But in His response, the Almighty indicated that Senator Chambers’ court lacked both the jurisdiction and the ability to serve Him with subpoena. These factors – along with the fact that it might be difficult, oh and silly to file a claim against someone you don’t believe exists – would seem to render the Senator’s lawsuit null and void. The Lord’s filling contained no contact information so he could not be reached for further comment, but it looks like the Alpha and Omega got the last laugh this time. Better luck next time Ernie. Try picking on someone your own size.
The once proud Fighting Irish of Notre Dame are 0 and 4 for the first time in school history. And somehow, by some magical, mystical, end of the rainbow formula, the local media is still convinced that it’s Tyrone Willingham’s fault. It’s not enough that he was unceremoniously fired between the final game of the season and the bowl game, they continue to blame the woes of the football team - three years removed mind you – on what he may or may not have done or looked like on the sideline, despite EVERYONE in the national media pointing out otherwise. That’s right South Bend, blame the black man. And some people wonder why great athletes of a certain ethnicity think twice about coming to school here.
The Canadian dollar reached an historic milestone last week. This past Friday marked the first time in more than 30 years that the affectionately yet stupidly named “loonie” achieved parity with the U.S. dollar. I realize this doesn’t seem like much. Mr. Washington has been so weak against so many currencies lately he might have to relinquish his spot on the bill to Richard Nixon. But the sole reason my parents moved to this country from Canada twelve years ago was because they couldn’t afford to pay my college tuition with the Canadian dollar worth only 60% of the U.S. dollar on a good day. So, if anyone is looking for some one to blame for my presence in this wonderful country, look for Mr. Washington in a wallet near you.
Finally, if anyone is considering becoming a vegan or vegetarian, but just needed a little nudge over the leafy green edge, Alicia Silverstone is now appearing nude in a PETA sponsored television commercial promoting vegetarianism. I’m throwing the chicken nuggets in the trash tonight! Now I know that may not mean anything to the youngsters nowadays, but back when I was growing up so many years ago, Alicia Silverstone was the stuff! Every teenage boy had a poster of either her or Alyssa Milano taped to the inside of their locker along with a folded piece of paper detailing how we would meet her on the set of a music video, fall in love and run away to live by the ocean in the mansion she bought with the money she made from Clueless. Seriously. It wasn’t just me. I know of at least three other people…
In an absolutely stunning revelation this week, on par with the recent shocker that men prefer hot women to, well, not-so-hot women, studies released late last week show that dogs may have feelings. Well ain’t that some $#*!. Any human being half alive and not named Michael Vick knows dogs have feelings. That goes doubly so for anyone who has a dog for a pet. How many geeks in little white lab coats do we need telling us things we already know? And why are people continuously being paid to tell us what we already know? If you have to pay someone for useless information, pay me.
Former CBS news anchor and living news legend Dan Rather has decided to sue CBS for 70 million dollars over his resignation / dismissal following an ill-researched, ill-vetted, ill-advised story on president Bush’s National Guard service – or lack thereof. Sounds like Mr. Rather is looking to get paid. Maybe he should have listened to Mike Wallace when Mike told everyone at the network that would listen that 60 Minutes 2 was a bad idea. Wonder if CBS needs an intern?
Speaking of president Bush, in a speech last week cattle-prodding Congress to make his domestic spying alterations to the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act permanent, G.B. Jr. made a statement which sounded something like “nobody has to worry about the motivation of the government as it relates to domestic surveillance.” Hmm. Somebody might actually be tempted to take you seriously Mr. President if you didn’t insist on keeping everything you say and do a secret. I’m on some kind of watch list now, aren’t I?
The United Auto Workers Union declared a strike at all General Motors' factories around the country at 11:00 Monday morning after weeks of intense negotiations. What could possibly go wrong with this idea? I’m sure the American automakers – not to mention the state of Michigan – will welcome this development with open arms. Toyota doesn’t even have to compete anymore. They can just stand around and wait for the Big Three and the UAW to cannibalize each other. GM, Ford and Chrysler need to start building cars people want. And the union has to learn – hopefully sooner than later – what every non-union employee in America figured out a long time ago. There is no such thing as job security anymore.
This week's Darwin award goes to a group of idiots in the great swing state of Ohio. A blind man was killed in a single vehicle accident as a result of his friends allowing him to drive an ATV all by himself. Now, I’ve never driven an ATV, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that all terrain vehicles, and the terrain on which they are typically driven, are less than conducive to sightless driving. Yet somehow this man was able to talk several other human beings into letting him drive solo. With friends like those…
Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers was stunned to receive a response to his frivolous lawsuit last Thursday from none other than God himself – twice. Yes, Senator Chambers, an avowed agnostic (hmm, "I swear, I have no idea what I believe!"), had sued the Man Upstairs last week, seeking a permanent injunction against him for making terrorist threats, inspiring fear and causing “widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants.” But in His response, the Almighty indicated that Senator Chambers’ court lacked both the jurisdiction and the ability to serve Him with subpoena. These factors – along with the fact that it might be difficult, oh and silly to file a claim against someone you don’t believe exists – would seem to render the Senator’s lawsuit null and void. The Lord’s filling contained no contact information so he could not be reached for further comment, but it looks like the Alpha and Omega got the last laugh this time. Better luck next time Ernie. Try picking on someone your own size.
The once proud Fighting Irish of Notre Dame are 0 and 4 for the first time in school history. And somehow, by some magical, mystical, end of the rainbow formula, the local media is still convinced that it’s Tyrone Willingham’s fault. It’s not enough that he was unceremoniously fired between the final game of the season and the bowl game, they continue to blame the woes of the football team - three years removed mind you – on what he may or may not have done or looked like on the sideline, despite EVERYONE in the national media pointing out otherwise. That’s right South Bend, blame the black man. And some people wonder why great athletes of a certain ethnicity think twice about coming to school here.
The Canadian dollar reached an historic milestone last week. This past Friday marked the first time in more than 30 years that the affectionately yet stupidly named “loonie” achieved parity with the U.S. dollar. I realize this doesn’t seem like much. Mr. Washington has been so weak against so many currencies lately he might have to relinquish his spot on the bill to Richard Nixon. But the sole reason my parents moved to this country from Canada twelve years ago was because they couldn’t afford to pay my college tuition with the Canadian dollar worth only 60% of the U.S. dollar on a good day. So, if anyone is looking for some one to blame for my presence in this wonderful country, look for Mr. Washington in a wallet near you.
Finally, if anyone is considering becoming a vegan or vegetarian, but just needed a little nudge over the leafy green edge, Alicia Silverstone is now appearing nude in a PETA sponsored television commercial promoting vegetarianism. I’m throwing the chicken nuggets in the trash tonight! Now I know that may not mean anything to the youngsters nowadays, but back when I was growing up so many years ago, Alicia Silverstone was the stuff! Every teenage boy had a poster of either her or Alyssa Milano taped to the inside of their locker along with a folded piece of paper detailing how we would meet her on the set of a music video, fall in love and run away to live by the ocean in the mansion she bought with the money she made from Clueless. Seriously. It wasn’t just me. I know of at least three other people…
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