Breakfast of Champions

Since a Giants Falcons football game is more or less equal to a four year old rerun of a budget debate on C-SPAN, we’ll get started a little early. Also, I’m sure I say this every week, but I’m feeling a little under the weather, so we’ll keep this one a little shorter. It helps that absolutely nothing worth talking about happened this past week. Well, with the exception of the following items.

Football first. A falling camera came fairly close to taking out both Seattle Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck and wide receiver Bobby Engram during their game against the New Orleans Saints Sunday night. The incident was described later on by several Seattle players and coaches as unsettling and a little scary. Kind of like the play of the Seahawks against a previously winless New Orleans team. If you thought – like I did - that last week’s Bears Packers game was the benchmark for bizarre coaching and on field decisions, this one was at least as whacky – if not more so. Oh, and somebody tell the ’72 Dolphins to “get their popcorn ready.” If the New England Patriots get past the Indianapolis Colts in three weeks, we’ll be staring down the barrel of the first 16-0 season in 35 years. This could be the perfect compliment to a possible 0-16 season from both the ’07 Miami Dolphins and the St. Louis Rams. Strange season this is.

Last week Wednesday the United Auto Workers decided they had reached an impasse with Chrysler and walked out on strike. Less than six hours later, all the issues they had been unable to resolve during months of negotiation magically resolved themselves, and everybody went back to work like nothing ever happened. So let that be a lesson to everyone. Whatever issues you may have, striking is obviously the solution. Strike hard, strike fast, and strike often.

For all of you who wake up every morning, slump over the newspaper at your kitchen table, stare blankly at your lone Pop Tart and half cup of coffee thinking there has to be more to breakfast than this, you don’t have to suffer anymore. This morning Hardee’s released its new Country Breakfast Burrito. This is not your grandfather’s breakfast burrito – assuming your grandfather consumed breakfast burritos. This is two egg omelets stuffed with bacon, sausage, diced ham, cheddar cheese, hash browns and gravy, all rolled up tightly in a flour tortilla. This portable heart attack contains 920 calories and sixty grams of fat. If you were stupid enough to squeeze one of these through the arteries for breakfast, then round out the day with only a 1,420 calorie Monster Thickburger for lunch, (two 1/3 pound beef patties, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese, mayo and a buttered bun) and an 1,100 calorie (83 grams of fat) Chicken Salad for dinner, you would have consumed 3,440 calories and over 150 grams of fat before bedtime. Not including fries, onion rings and/or soda. That’s a lot of sit-ups. Hardee’s claims they are merely trying to provide their core customers (young men ages 18 to 34) with menu options, which will fill them up. Maybe they should change their slogan. Hardee’s. We’ll fill you out. Hardee’s. Now with free cholesterol screening. Hardee’s. You don’t NEED to see your feet, do you?

Oil prices hit a record $86 a barrel today, closing at $86.13. It won’t be too long before that starts to translate into $3 plus at the gas pump. Of course, some idiot felt the need to explain that oil prices are still below inflation-adjusted highs reached in the early 1980s. That would be fantastic – IF I LIVED IN 1980! But I don’t! I live in 2007, and oil is $86 a barrel right now! Twenty-seven years ago I was three years old. So what! Nobody cares about the cost of oil 27 years ago! What is wrong with these people?

In an absolutely stunning turn of events, two of the co-defendants in the O.J. Simpson armed robbery case in Las Vegas have agreed to plead guilty and testify against him. Surprise! Apparently, what happens in Vegas, can keep you in Vegas - for fifteen to life.

Idaho Senator Larry Craig (him again?) has decided he has not yet begun to embarrass himself, and will appear in a primetime interview with Matt Lauer this Tuesday in an attempt to convince the public that he is not now – nor ever has been interested in gay sex. Of course, the interview will air on NBC, so all of six people might see it. Why would Matt Lauer agree to waste his time with this mess? He must really be hurting for ratings since Katie left.

And finally, not to be outdone by gay sex in an airport bathroom, some genius in Woodland, California is desperately trying to hold on to his dental license by claiming that fondling the breasts of 27 female patients is entirely appropriate in certain cases. The dental breast inspector himself claims that he routinely massaged patients’ chests to treat temporo-mandibular joint disorder, which causes head and neck pain. Anybody willing to bet the only pain in the neck those 27 women had was this guy? How could he possibly explain what he was doing with a straight face? “Don’t worry ma’am, I’m a licensed professional. Of course we covered breast massages in dental school! Everyone knows nipple sensitivity is directly related to tooth decay and gum disease, and this gentle pressure with rotation I’m applying here is designed to harden the enamel and rejuvenate the gums!” Hmm. Can you hear that? That's the sound of freshman physics majors all over the country switching to dentistry.