9.23.2009

Don't Take Your Guns To Town

I love my wife, really I do. But “Practical Magic?” Seriously?

Will wonders never cease? Cathy Maples, owner of a defense contracting firm, and self-described “big fan,” paid $63,500 in genuine United States legal tender for the privilege (?) of dinner with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. I mean seriously, $63,500? Do you know how many tea bags you can buy for $63,500? Now the proceeds from the dinner went to a charity for wounded veterans, so kudos to the charity for scoring the money, but come on. What kind of masochist would pay that kind of money to be tortured for three hours? Any guesses as to what’s on the menu? My money’s on field-dressed wolf meat, shot from a helicopter.

My healthcare musings for the week:

After months of unwarranted delays in the spirit of “bipartisan co-operation,” Senate Finance Committee Chairman Max Baucus unveiled his version of healthcare reform – without the support of a single Republican senator. Surprise! For the past four months, Baucus has been “negotiating” with people who never had any interest in reforming healthcare, weakening the bill to the chagrin of fellow Democrats, in some misguided attempt to formulate a bill that would pass with bi-partisan support. Three Republican senators managed to fundamentally alter legislation they never intend to vote for. And you thought the President was the most powerful man in America.

This debate over the public option continues to highlight the fundamental weakness of the Democratic Party. There is nothing they can’t disagree on. The idea of unity around a single concept is foreign to them. Make no mistake that if the Republican Party held a 70-vote majority in the House and a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate on a bill to open ANWAR to oil exploration, it would pass easily without a single Democratic vote. They wouldn’t have wasted time asking for any. The Democrats seem to have learned very little in eight years.

Is it me, or do liberals give more weight to street protests than conservatives do? When thousands of people marched on Washington demanding an end to the Iraq war, Liberals jumped up and down with urgency, panicking that the will of the people was being ignored, while conservatives largely ignored them. Over the summer, thousands of people protested against healthcare reform, and while conservatives now claim that THESE protesters represent the will of the people, liberals… well… panic. Conservatives freely admit they’re borrowing from the liberal playbook with regards to these anti-reform protests, because in the 24-hour news cycle, the media will disproportionately cover anything contentious. But for some reason, liberals, the inventors of the protest playbook, seem to be unable to respond appropriately to their own creation, to distinguish protest from “fauxtest.” Is this a case of the student surpassing the teacher?

At the Values Voters Summit this weekend, Fox’s Bill O’Reilly accepted the “Media Courage Award,” in a ceremony that was, ironically, closed to the media. Insert your own joke here.

I saw a list of the worst vehicles of the decade. Number one on the list, the Pontiac Aztek. Yup, no argument there. I’ve often wondered what moron executive at General Motors looked at the rendering of that car and said, “You know, if we add about 60 percent more plastic to that mini RV on 13-inch wheels you’ve got there, we’ll sell millions of those things!” Idiots.

Last week, lawyers for a group of Native Americans filed a petition with the Supreme Court to overturn a lower court decision allowing the Washington Redskins football team to continue using the name. While this suit is likely to end in the same result as the others, maybe it’s time we stopped pretending that the term “Redskins” is somehow not offensive to Native Americans, just because it’s been painted on a helmet for 77 years. It is offensive, and we should call the team something else. Just because something has always been done a certain way, doesn’t mean that way is correct or should be continued.

My NFL thoughts for Week 2

These might not be the same old Bengals. It’s going to take more than one solid game to convince me, but it’s a start.

These are the same old Lions. And the same old Browns. Paul Brown must be rolling over in his grave.

Something’s wrong with the New England Patriots. Yes, the Golden Boy looks a little jittery, but I’ll cut him a little slack. He is coming off of a knee injury it takes most athletes two years to recover from. The problem is more fundamental. The Patriots offensive line seems to have forgotten how to block. Doesn’t matter who your quarterback is, if you can’t keep his jersey clean, you aren’t going to win many games.

The Saints put up 48 points on a perennial playoff defense on Sunday – including a defensive score, and Drew Brees is on pace to throw 72 touchdowns. I’m getting on this bandwagon early.

Show me a better quarterback right now than Peyton Manning. I dare you.

What happened to Baltimore's defense? And where did all that offense come from?

Frank Gore ripped Seattle for 159 yards on two carries, almost like there was no defense on the field. It’s going to be a long year for the Seahawks without Matt Hasselbeck if they allow 200 plus yards rushing every other week.

Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell is completing only 35% of his passes. You have a better chance of scoring a second date with Megan Fox than seeing Russell complete a pass. Someone needs to save Al Davis from himself.

My Superbowl picks for Week 2: New Orleans Saints vs. Baltimore Ravens

Finally, former New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress began serving a two-year prison sentence on Tuesday for illegal possession and discharge of a firearm in a nightclub in 2008 when he shot himself in the leg. The “tragedy” of this story is that it was entirely preventable. It’s not like Burress was some shmuck on the practice squad barely scraping by. He was the second highest paid player on the team. Hire a couple bodyguards licensed to carry weapons in New York City to accompany you to the nightclub. Or, better yet, if you’re going someplace where you feel you need to conceal and carry an illegal weapon, don’t go there. Two minutes of forethought could have saved Burress two years in prison. Don’t take your guns to town son, leave your guns at home Bill. Don’t take your guns to town.

9.16.2009

I'm With Stupid

I have been watching “The Blob” for about an hour now and I still haven’t seen this so-called Blob. Somehow that doesn’t seem right.

My healthcare musings for the week.

In the hours after South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson’s (whom I will continue to refer to respectfully - even though he refused to offer the same courtesy to the President of the United States) verbal diarrhea, his 2010 challenger received over half-a-million dollars in campaign donations. One week later, both candidates have racked up over a million dollars each in contributions. That’s right. Joe Wilson raised a million dollars from his constituents by falsely accusing the President of lying. The House Bill HR 3200 - the only bill there is at the moment - explicitly states that illegal immigrants will NOT be eligible for ANY of the proposed subsidies. Joe Wilson lied. Yet, thousands of Americans openly and monetarily support that lie due to their irrational fear and loathing of this President. God bless America.

In an television interview Tuesday afternoon, Former President Jimmy Carter said publicly what more than a few people have been muttering privately over the past few months. Some of the instigators, agitators and demonstrators of the blind rage against the machine we’ve seen this summer oppose this President so vehemently not (solely) because of his policies, but because he is Barack Hussein Obama, black/biracial man. Sometimes it’s easy to pick them out. They’re the ones at the protests wrapped in the confederate flag, carrying misspelled homemade posters of the President in witch doctor garb. Sometimes it’s more difficult. They couch their distain in passionate opposition to Obama’s goals, while lying about lies and misrepresenting the truth. See below.



In the same way Cindy Sheehan made it difficult for reasonable people on the left of the political spectrum to oppose the war, Joe Wilson, Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck prevent actual thinking conservatives from engaging in the debate. The idea of a post-racial society is an interesting one, but there is one problem. Racism isn’t dead. It’s sitting on the couch in its "I Am Joe the Plumber" tee shirt with its misspelled homemade protest sign sipping cheap Chinese tea and watching cable news.

Am I the only one to notice that aside from screaming at the top of their lungs, the radical right really isn’t very good at protest thing? I don’t know if it’s because they’ve had less practice at it recently or what, but the results are somewhat amusing. In the wake of Wilson’s outburst, his supporters printed up and sold tee-shirts reading “I’m with Joe Wilson!” The shirts appear similar in font and style to popular novelty “I’m with stupid!” tee-shirts. So, they simply replaced “stupid” with “Joe Wilson.” Interesting. The logo for Glenn Beck’s “9-12 Project” looks strangely familiar to that of the raised fist of the black power movement or the Progressive Labor Party, groups Beck would surely condemn as un-American.



And who can forget listening to anti-government protesters describe themselves as “tea-baggers,” blissfully ignorant of the common usage meaning of the term. Perhaps they’ll get better with time. But at this point it’s just embarrassing.

This past Monday was the one year anniversary of the collapse of Lehman Brothers, the final trigger of the economic meltdown of 2008. To “celebrate”, President Obama announced his plans for new financial regulations in a speech in New York City. There is near universal agreement among economists that we simply cannot return to the good old days of rampant Wall Street excess, mayhem and madness. There is also near universal agreement among politicians that in spite of the chaos we’ve just been through, it will be almost politically impossible to reform the system. Something about the agencies involved and their respective Congressional committees not wanting to relinquish regulatory control to one another. I’m a little confused by this. Not that Congress would be incapable of fixing something that was broken, but that this even has to go through Congress at all. I took U.S. History and Government 16 years ago, so I hope someone will correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t government agencies divisions of the Executive branch? And aren’t divisions of the Executive branch subject to executive orders? To hell with Congress. Issue an executive order instructing the SEC to do whatever you want it to do. What am I missing?

Late last week, General Motors kicked of its new era with a somewhat novel idea for the automobile industry - a money-back guarantee. That’s right, if you don’t like your new GM car, you can return it after 30 days but before 60 days for a full refund. At the risk of stating the obvious, this is a great idea and a terrible idea all rolled into one. If successful this could do for GM what the 10-year, 100,000 mile warranty did for Hyundai. If it fails, GM - and taxpayers - will be out millions more dollars. Kudos to General Motors for having the guts to put up or shut up. I hope they have the quality products to back up their bravado.

I didn’t see the speech, but apparently Michael Jordan made a complete ass of himself during his Basketball Hall of Fame induction speech last Friday night. From the accounts I have read, instead of being gracious and effusive with praise as other inductees David Robinson, John Stockton and Vivian Stringer had been before him, Jordan was... well... Michael Jordan. He berated former foes, admonished players for past slights, and flew the guy who took his spot on his high school basketball team to the ceremony to watch. This speech seemed to surprise a lot of people. It shouldn’t have. The same qualities that made Jordan the best player of his time - perhaps of all time - also make him a not-so-great human being. He is quite possibly the most competitive man on the planet, which is great on the court, but makes him a petty, bitter, compulsive gambler off the court. We seem to have a difficult time in this country understanding that people are always more than one thing, and sometimes we’ll get a little bit of the garbage along with the wonderful.

Enough serious business, it’s football season baby!

My NFL thoughts for week one:

These are the same old Lions. These are the same old Bengals. In fact, these Bengals may be worse than the same old Lions who went 0-16 last season. How is it possible that year after year after year, teams like the Steelers and the Patriots can be so good, while the Lions and the Bengals are so, so awful?

In his last two games, Jake Delhomme has turned the ball over 11 times - 9 interceptions and 2 lost fumbles. There were three quarterbacks who didn’t have that many turnovers through the ENTIRE 2008 season! This has to be the worst performance by a professional quarterback I have ever seen. Is there no one else Carolina can wrangle to replace him? What’s Jeff Garcia doing? Oh right, he’s in Philadelphia now. Can we get Steve Young out of the broadcast booth?

The Golden Boy is back. After a whole year of sleeping in late with Giselle and surfing for porn on the internet, Tom Brady is back under center leading ridiculous fourth quarter comebacks in games the Patriots by all rights should have lost. Oh Tom. How did we survive an entire season without you?

The Raiders played their best game Monday night, while San Diego played their worst. The Chargers still won. It’s going to be another long year in Oakland.

The Steelers losing Troy Polomalu for 6 weeks is the equivalent of stripping the V-12 out of a Ferrari and replacing it with the V-6 from the family minivan. While it probably won’t kill the chances of a repeat, it should at least make the division interesting.

If the league doesn’t want defensive players to play defense, just take them off the field. Defensive ends should not get 15-yard penalties for tackling quarterbacks, cornerbacks should not get flagged for pass interference for running in close proximity to wide receivers, and if a stiff arm is legal on offense, it should also be legal on the other side of the ball.

My Superbowl Picks For Week 1: New Orleans Saints vs. Tennessee Titans.

There was a John McEnroe sighting this weekend. And he looked a lot like Serena Williams. Serena lost her semi-final match due to a profanity-laced tirade directed toward the umpire. Serena later apologized for the outburst, but the damage had been done. I understand that when a referee or umpire or line judge blows a call the emotions of the moment can take over, but losing one’s cool ALWAYS only ends in tears.

Finally, what planet is Kanye West living on? At the MTV Video Music Awards this weekend, (no, the irony of that title does not escape me), West bounded up on stage to interrupt award recipient Taylor Swift, taking her microphone and blathering on about how he felt other people were more deserving of said award than Swift. What I love about this story is the reaction of the audience, the performers and virtually everyone else in America. Once people figured out what Kanye was doing, he was booed mercilessly and denounced both by his peers and the media for the rest of the night, and all the following day until someone finally got through to him and got him to offer a personal apology to Swift. Good for us. Now if only we could apply the same social pressure to Terrell Owens, and Amy Winehouse, and “the Real Housewives of Orange County,” and so on, and so on ad nauseam.

9.10.2009

Brass Tacks

So, I’m watching the rerun of President Obama’s address to a joint session of Congress and thinking to myself, this guy must go home at night and wonder when he woke up to a country full of morons. Over the past eight years we managed to figure out what noo-que-ler weapons were, who the decider was, how difficult it was to put food on our families, how often we misunderestimated certain people, and that too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country. Yet somehow, millions of Americans can’t seem to understand healthcare reform in plain English.

It’s time to start calling a spade a spade. After tonight, anyone who claims he/she does not understand what the President wants in terms of healthcare reform because he hasn’t explained it to them, is either lying or lying. Every Republican who could find a television camera after the speech stumbled over themselves to declare that Republicans want reform as well. Those Republicans are liars. Republicans have never cared about healthcare reform. The healthcare debate has been raging in this country for almost 100 YEARS, and no Republican president during that period (and there have been ten of them) has cared enough to make it a priority. The only aspect of reform Republicans care about is defeating it. As late as this afternoon, Sarah Palin was penning op-eds in national newspapers claiming the throughly discredited “death panels” really are hidden somewhere in the President’s bill. Sarah Palin is an idiot. Sometimes the truth hurts, but it is what it is. I’m not sure what that says about the people who see her as the “great white hope,” but we’d all be better off if they were as prone to quitting as their mentor. At the beginning of the summer, the President gave Congress the very valuable, very delicate ball to run with, and they dropped it, plain and simple. Tonight he picked up the pieces, glued them back together and handed it back to them. Now cut the BS and get back to work. Quit debating things that aren’t going to happen. There are no “death panels,” there will be no single payer system, and doing nothing is not an option. If the Republicans want to get on the bus, welcome aboard, if not, get out of the road. We’ve all heard the joke about Democrats and herding cats, but the Democratic Party has a 70 seat majority in the House and a filibuster-proof 60 vote majority in the Senate. Failure is not an option. Get busy and do what we pay you to do.

During the afore mentioned speech, while President Obama was debunking the myth that healthcare reform will provide coverage to illegal immigrants, South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson, apparently unaware of all the cameras and recording equipment in the chamber, shouted, “You lie!” in response. Sigh. What is it about South Carolina politicians? Immediately after the speech, Wilson contacted the White House and apologized to the Chief of Staff, and issued a written statement claiming that although he disagreed with the President’s statement, he was sorry for the outburst. Well good for you Joe. You are sorry - at least you weren’t lying about that. You can disagree with the statement all you want Joe, but the fact is, none of the bills floating around Capitol Hill provide coverage for illegal immigrants, funding for abortions or “pull the plug on grandma.” Disagreeing with the facts doesn’t make you bold, it just makes you disagreeable.

This past Tuesday President Obama stood before a group of high school kids in Washington D.C. and told them to take charge of their education and their future. Apparently, that is the definition of communism. For about a week leading up to the speech, some conservatives insisted the President was trying to indoctrinate children in the ways of socialism by telling them to stay in school and do their homework. Well, actually, they accused him of socialist indoctrination without actually knowing what he was going to say. The mere fact that the President had a message for students was enough to send the ideologues into a tizzy. Most of them were strangely silent following the address, but that is the inherent problem with opposing something before one knows what one is opposing, isn’t it. One runs the risk of making an ass of one’s self after the fact. Note to pundits. Know what you’re lying about before you lie about it.

Not content with ruining his marriage, spending state funds on his mistress and discussing his illicit affair in great detail in press conference after press conference, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford seems intent on adding impeachment to his impressive list of personal and professional failures. Earlier this week, the Republican Speaker of the House joined the Lieutenant Governor’s call for Sanford’s resignation. Believing himself to be some sort of modern day King David, Sanford refused, claiming he is doing God’s work and will continue to do so. He may have to continue the Lord’s work as a private citizen, as due to his refusal, the Republican-controlled House is now seriously considering impeaching their own Republican Governor and former presidential hopeful. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Late last week investment bank Goldman Sachs reported that federal stimulus spending boosted U.S. economic growth by 3.3%. Shortly after, the Federal Reserve issued a statement indicating the recession ended in August. The markets are up, home prices are beginning to rebound, factory orders are increasing and the number of job losses per month has been cut by 70%. Yet in a CNN poll taken earlier this week, nine out of ten Americans surveyed believe the country is still in recession. What do Americans have against evidence? Why is it so difficult for this country to accept facts? Recession has a specific definition - two or more consecutive quarters of economic decline. It’s not some vague, nebulous emotion everyone experiences differently. If after two or more consecutive quarters of economic decline the economy ceases to decline or experiences growth, it is no longer in recession. It’s pretty simple. Yet so many people find the evidence so easy to ignore. Why? How much better off would we be as a nation if we stopped substituting our “feelings” for actual fact?

Wednesday morning in Afghanistan, a New York Times reporter kidnapped by the Taliban was rescued by British commandos in a pre-dawn raid during which one of the commandos, another journalist, a woman and her child were also killed. Prior to the incident, the Times had kept the story of what happened to the reporter a secret, fearing that, “...media attention would raise the temperature and increase the risk to the captives.” This isn’t the first time the New York Times has declined to publish a story and asked other media outlets to refrain from publishing a story because one of their reporters was involved. While I appreciate the sentiments of the editor, I can’t help but wonder whether or not the Times would have extended the same courtesy if the captive had not been one of their own. If someone else’s life was on the line, would the public’s right to know still be trumped by discretion for the sake of safety? And if so, what does that say about the state of journalism?

Finally, the 2009 NFL season begins about 18 hours from now. Overshadowing a potential playoff run for the San Diego Chargers is the news that star linebacker Shawne Merriman was was arrested over the weekend for allegedly battering and imprisoning his girlfriend, reality TV star Tia Tequila. I don’t know what happened between Merriman and Tequila, and frankly, I don’t care. If he abused her, he should be punished for it, if she made up the allegations, she should be punished. My point is as follows. Shawne Merriman is returning to the final year of his rookie contract from an entire year away from football, and the last thing he needs is a distraction. He should have known better than to get involved with someone who’s claims to fame include the trumped-up drama of “A Shot at Love with Tia Tequila,” and the mind-numbing stupidity of “Pants-Off Dance-Off.” He was just begging for trouble. And when you beg for trouble, the universe often rewards you with more trouble than you can handle. Oh, and it screws up my fantasy football team this weekend. Thanks a lot, dumbass.

9.03.2009

Rainbow Warriors

So I think I understand why everyone takes vacation n August. Nothing happens. Pretty sparse list of topics this week.

Two weeks ago, the first and former Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge (also known as the creator of the asinine rainbow warning system) raised a few eyebrows when excerpts from his upcoming memoir were released to the media. In one passage in particular, Ridge states that he was pressured on several occasions by senior members of the Bush administration to elevate the threat level at times when he felt neither the intelligence nor the evidence warranted such action, most egregiously, on the eve of President Bush’s re-election. He claims it bothered him so much that it eventually led to his resignation. Apparently believing that “senior administration officials” referred specifically to him, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld replied through his spokesperson that perhaps now would be a good time for Ridge to break out his roll of emergency duct tape.

Are Ridge’s assertions true? I don’t know. I’m inclined to believe they are. The previous administration - particularly the former Vice-President and Secretary of Defense – have shown no qualms about using terrorism, or the threat of terrorism for their own political gain. Since September 12, 2001 President Bush has been constructed his legacy around his response to external threats, so the idea isn’t that far fetched. Adding fuel to the speculative fires has been the curious responses of implicated officials to the accusations. They respond not by emphatically denying the accusations, but by insisting the accuser adhere to some code of silence and shut up, or else. It’s almost like the administration is some sort of gang far more concerned with its members snitching to the authorities than with the damage they’re doing to the community with their activities.

I wasn’t going to mention this. But in light of the madness being espoused by anti-Obama protesters in various forms across the country, I think it is worth mentioning. Speaking to a recent gathering of supporters in her state, Kansas Republican Congresswoman Lynn Jenkins made the following remark in response to a question she received about future Republican House leadership: “Republicans are struggling right now to find the great white hope. I suggest to any of you who are concerned about that, who are Republican, there are some great young Republican minds in Washington.” She then went on to defeat her the point she was trying to make by naming House Minority Whip Eric Cantor one of those bright young minds. But the part of the response that made news was her choice of the phrase, “great white hope” in reference to leadership.

For those of you who don’t know, the phrase “great white hope” entered the American lexicon circa Boxing Day, 1908, when African American boxer Jack Johnson defeated the white Tommy Burns for the Heavyweight Championship. Whites were so incensed with the outcome, that many began to call for a “great white hope” to return the title to its “rightful place” with the “superior” white race. I’m hesitant to ascribe motives to people with no public history of bigotry. So while it seems incredibly unlikely that Jenkins was – as she claimed – completely unaware of any negative connotations of the phase, I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she’s really not a racist. Maybe she’s just stupid. Maybe it really never occurred to her that searching for a “great white hope” to combat the current non-white leadership might seem suspect to more than a few people. Maybe she just prefers white hope. Like vanilla ice cream. Strawberry hope and rocky road hope may be all well and good, but a little vanilla hope really hits the spot. Who knows. Whatever the truth is, the incident highlights a common problem with politicians; too much talking, not enough thinking beforehand. It’s okay to think stupid things. It’s not always a good idea to say them.

Thomas Edison must be rolling over in his grave. September 1 was the last opportunity for European distributors and retailers to stock up on 100W incandescent light bulbs. From now on, said lamps will no longer be produced in or imported to Europe, and once supplies run out, will no longer be available. They are to be replaced with either fluorescent, halogen or LED bulbs, all significantly more efficient (and for the time being, more expensive) than the old standard. The United States is scheduled to follow suit in 2012, a move expected to save millions of tons of carbon emissions and millions of dollars on electricity bills. Many people unhappy with the new rules are hoarding bulbs in their basements, perhaps preparing for the day when throwing money away on a light bulb that produces more heat than light becomes fashionable again. I say good riddance. No more burning my fingers on these stupid things every time I go to change one.

Finally, According to reports from various “watchdog” groups that monitor such things, texting while driving has become a serious problem in America. This is astonishing to me. We really needed studies to tell us that using both hands to type instead of steer and both eyes to focus on a 4 inch LCD screen instead of on the road in front of us is insanely dangerous? Really? I can’t believe people actually do this. Note to compulsive texters and tweeters. You ARE NOT that damn important! PUT THE PHONE DOWN AND DRIVE YOU IDIOTS!