Well, the wife has taken over the television for the evening, (apparently the dual-tuner DVR isn’t enough, she must also watch programming at the same time), and frankly, sitting doubled over in the chair in front of the computer feels better for the stomach ache than reclining on the couch. Now if only I can keep my eyes open long enough to finish this we’ll be in good shape.
Both the Patriots and the Colts emerged from the weekend unscathed, setting up what may very well be the game of the millennium. I know, the millennium is only seven years old, but the only way any regular season game could be bigger than this one would be if these same two teams were both 15-0 and playing on the seventeenth Sunday of the season. So pop some popcorn, park your butt in the recliner and prepare to be blown away. You don’t have to wait until February for the Superbowl; it will be played this Sunday in Indianapolis at 4:05pm.
Sticking with football just a little while longer. Let’s roll play for a moment. I’ll be Patriots coach Bill Belichick – except I’ll actually answer reporter’s questions. Here we go.
Curious Reporter: Coach Belichick! You were up 38-0 and still threw deep passes to Randy Moss and went for it twice on fourth and one. Don’t you think you might have been rubbing it in a little bit?
Belichick: Absolutely.
Bewildered Reporter: Um, wait, so you admit to running up the score on the Washington Redskins this past Sunday?
Belichick: Oh you bet! And not just them, every single team we’ve face so far this year!
Hapless Reporter: But Coach, don’t you think that’s unsportsmanlike?
Belichick: Does this look like the face of a man who gives a crap what any of you think? I’ve got the world’s sexiest man at quarterback, a receiver who catches passes with his elbows, and an invisible linebacker who not only sacks opposing quarterbacks, but wanders uncovered into the end zone to catch touchdowns on offense. Why don’t you take your “unsportsmanlike conduct” B.S. and stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Embarrassed Reporter: Um, okay. But, um, why are you being so belligerent?
Belichick: Why did you people accuse me of cheating? I don’t want to say the two are related, but maybe if I hadn’t been accused of cheating to win my three Superbowls I wouldn’t have to beat these junior varsity jokers into submission every week. You want to see belligerent? Wait ‘til we play the Jets again this year. Man-genius my ass! Yes they deserve to die, and I hope they burn in hell!
Last week President Bush demanded an additional $42 billion to fund the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. These billions who come in addition to the $100 billion he received from Congress in May of this year. In a moment of deja vu, Democratic leaders on the Hill have vowed not to issue the President a “blank cheque” with regard to war funding. They have instead decided a platinum MasterCard with no limit might suit the President better. That way he won’t have to try to squeeze all those zeroes into the tiny little “amount” box on the cheque.
Rapper Inga Marchand (a.k.a. Foxy Brown) was sentenced to 76 days in solitary confinement after a brawl with another inmate at Riker’s Island jail where she is serving a sentence for violating her probation in a case stemming from a fight she had with manicurists in a New York nail salon. Apparently the conditions of that probation required her to attend anger management classes. Classes she probably shouldn’t have skipped out on. I guess she’ll have plenty of time to manage her anger during the 1,748 hours she’ll be spending alone in a 5’x5’ concrete cell.
Seventeen Magazine is circulating what it calls a “Body Peace Treaty”, which encourages young women (and I suppose any young men who read Seventeen Magazine) to, for example, “realize that the mirror can only reflect what’s on the surface of me, not who I am inside,” and, “quit judging a person solely on how his or her body looks…” I guess the point of this exercise is to help build positive self-image among young women who are daily bombarded by media images of tall, blonde, size zero models and celebrities with more replacement parts than my ’98 Acura, featured in sexy, revealing clothing on the pages of Seventeen Magazine, and others like it. Perhaps the Body Peace Treaty should read more like this: I vow never to touch, pick up, look at or read Seventeen Magazine, Glamour, Vogue, the Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue, or any other such piece of mindless drivel so long as draw breath. Amen.
New archeological research indicates that some Neanderthals may have had red hair. And I had microwave spaghetti for lunch. Whooptee freakin’ do! Why should anyone care that Carrot Top could have been a caveman? When you revive a redheaded Neanderthal you’ve found frozen in the ice, let me know. Until then, aren’t there some ancient ruins you people should be looking for?
According to an article on CNN.com, television sex scenes are becoming so hot they now rival porn. What kind of lame porn are these people watching?
In perhaps the most bizarre story of last week, a lock of Che Guevara’s hair was sold at auction for $100,000. What exactly does one do with a lock of a dead guy’s hair? I know the man is a legend, got his face on tee shirts and all that, but what are you going to do with his hair? Doesn’t sound like it’s enough to complete a comb-over. It’s certainly not enough to make into a weave. I guess maybe if you were trying to fill in an eyebrow or something…
The Georgia Supreme Court ruled that Genarlow Wilson be released from prison after serving two years of a ten year sentence for engaging in oral sex with a fifteen year old girl when he was seventeen, labeling the sentence “cruel and unusual punishment.” Wilson’s original conviction sparked the Georgia legislature to change the law that sent him to prison to include a so-called “Romeo and Juliet exception” to prevent this from happening to other teens. But for some reason, the prosecutor (what is it with Southern prosecutors?) felt Wilson should continue to rot in jail, even after the sponsors of the original law under which he was sentenced testified they never intended it to be used in the way it was. Rational thinking – 2, Southern prosecutors – 0.
Miss England revealed last Friday that she was told to fatten up for the upcoming Miss World competition in China on December 1 of this year. She said that pageant organizers “want their girls to be more voluptuous and womanly and curvy, you know, rather than the stick-thin, size-zero models you see around.” But Miss England isn’t exactly a broomstick. She’s 20 years old, 5’-8” tall and a size four. Now I know the average American woman is something like a size twelve or fourteen or so, but I don’t know, maybe British women are different. She’s at least four sizes above non-existent, give the girl a break. As long as she’s not standing in front of the donut table with a Hannibal Lecter mask on, wasting away for want of Boston Crème, let her be who she is. Of course, being a Brit, Miss England says she’ll give the whole weight gain thing a shot. How long do you think it’ll be before the pageant committee regrets this decision?
Finally, the Sunshine State provides us with what could be described as an example of road rage gone wrong. One angry male and one enraged female passenger realized the Toyota Corolla they were riding in just wasn’t’ big enough for the both of them, and decided to take their dispute outside. Outside in this case just happened to be the State Road 4 Northbound on-ramp to I-595 in Davie, Florida, a little after 4 a.m. last Thursday. Unfortunately, as they were beating the tar out of one another on the pavement, they failed to see a second Toyota accelerating up the ramp toward the Interstate. The combatants were struck by said Toyota and died at the scene. The cause of the fatal argument is still unknown. The moral of this story? Always look both ways before brawling in the middle of the street. Seriously. Both ways.
10.31.2007
10.24.2007
The Roof... The Roof... The Roof Is On Fire...
Another week in review delayed by illness. But that’s the advantage of having a blog only six people read. No one cares if you miss a day. Anyway, now that the fever has broken, let’s get this show on the road.
In case you hadn’t heard, southern California is on fire. Again. Anywhere from 500,000 to a million people have been ordered to evacuate their homes and head for safety in the face of several massive wildfires sweeping across the state. Fortunately there have only been two reported deaths so far. I say ONLY because the last time this happened about four years ago, the death toll was much higher. I credit fewer instances of idiots saying, “I’ve lived here in this house all my life dammit, ain’t no little forest fire gonna drive me out of my home!”
Patriots vs. Colts, two weeks from now. Circle it on your calendars people. The winner of this game could be staring down the barrel of an undefeated season. Oh, and if the Rams and Dolphins get any worse, they may have to be demoted to the NCAA. Notre Dame could beat those two teams.
Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas has decided to end his bid for the Republican nomination for president of the United States. I’m sure that’s quite depressing for the three people who knew he was running, and the one person who actually cared. The real tragedy of the Senator’s decision is that the rest of us will now be deprived of Brownback jokes for the remainder of the primary season. And there were precious few of those to begin with.
Nobel Prize winner Dr. James Watson told a British newspaper last week that he was “inherently gloomy about the prospect of Africa” because “all our policies are based on the fact that their intelligence is the same as ours – whereas all the testing says not really. Dr. Watson is white. Most Africans are black. Later in the interview he noted that although he hoped everyone was equal, “people who have to deal with black employees find this not true.” Wow. I’m not even going to dignify that statement with a comment.
But speaking of the Nobel Prize, they’re just handing those things out to any old so-and-so now, aren’t they? Almost two weeks ago former vice president Al Gore received the Nobel Peace Prize for his work on global warming. Hmm. I must have missed something there. Peace Prize, for work on global warming. The Nobel committee’s explanation for the anomaly is that in the future, climate change caused by global warming will result in first regional, then global conflicts over dwindling resources. According the committee, simply imploring people to sit through “An Inconvenient Truth”, Gore has put an end to war and saved the future nations of the world from cannibalizing themselves in the pursuit of essential resources. Heck, if all you have to do to win a prize is raise awareness, I’d like to be considered for the Nobel Prize for Sarcasm. No other blog has done more in the past five minutes to raise awareness of sarcasm than this one. Where’s my little statue – and 1.3 million dollar cheque?
Headline: Children’s Literature – Now With More Gay Sex. That’s right, Professor Dumbledore is gay. The wise old headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and mentor of one Harry Potter has come out of the closet. Actually, he was outed by his creator, J.K.K. Rowling, when she learned that the screenplay for an upcoming film involved some back-story of a love between the fictional professor and a fictional woman. To my knowledge, the Harry Potter novels contain no description of sex, heavy petting, petting or thoughts of petting – gay or otherwise. So, why the sexual orientation of Professor Dumbledore is even remotely relevant – especially in what would more than likely be a flashback scene of less than a minute – is completely beyond my understanding. But, for what can only be described as no good reason whatsoever, Rowling felt the need to make a stand, be true to her imagination and strike the offending scene from the script. So, in case you couldn’t live without knowing the sexual orientation of your favorite literary characters, now you do. And for the record, there is no evidence to support a suspicious claim that it was actually Dumbledore and not Larry Craig who was caught soliciting gay sex in an airport bathroom. None at all.
In case you hadn’t heard, southern California is on fire. Again. Anywhere from 500,000 to a million people have been ordered to evacuate their homes and head for safety in the face of several massive wildfires sweeping across the state. Fortunately there have only been two reported deaths so far. I say ONLY because the last time this happened about four years ago, the death toll was much higher. I credit fewer instances of idiots saying, “I’ve lived here in this house all my life dammit, ain’t no little forest fire gonna drive me out of my home!”
Patriots vs. Colts, two weeks from now. Circle it on your calendars people. The winner of this game could be staring down the barrel of an undefeated season. Oh, and if the Rams and Dolphins get any worse, they may have to be demoted to the NCAA. Notre Dame could beat those two teams.
Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas has decided to end his bid for the Republican nomination for president of the United States. I’m sure that’s quite depressing for the three people who knew he was running, and the one person who actually cared. The real tragedy of the Senator’s decision is that the rest of us will now be deprived of Brownback jokes for the remainder of the primary season. And there were precious few of those to begin with.
Nobel Prize winner Dr. James Watson told a British newspaper last week that he was “inherently gloomy about the prospect of Africa” because “all our policies are based on the fact that their intelligence is the same as ours – whereas all the testing says not really. Dr. Watson is white. Most Africans are black. Later in the interview he noted that although he hoped everyone was equal, “people who have to deal with black employees find this not true.” Wow. I’m not even going to dignify that statement with a comment.
But speaking of the Nobel Prize, they’re just handing those things out to any old so-and-so now, aren’t they? Almost two weeks ago former vice president Al Gore received the Nobel Peace Prize for his work on global warming. Hmm. I must have missed something there. Peace Prize, for work on global warming. The Nobel committee’s explanation for the anomaly is that in the future, climate change caused by global warming will result in first regional, then global conflicts over dwindling resources. According the committee, simply imploring people to sit through “An Inconvenient Truth”, Gore has put an end to war and saved the future nations of the world from cannibalizing themselves in the pursuit of essential resources. Heck, if all you have to do to win a prize is raise awareness, I’d like to be considered for the Nobel Prize for Sarcasm. No other blog has done more in the past five minutes to raise awareness of sarcasm than this one. Where’s my little statue – and 1.3 million dollar cheque?
Headline: Children’s Literature – Now With More Gay Sex. That’s right, Professor Dumbledore is gay. The wise old headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and mentor of one Harry Potter has come out of the closet. Actually, he was outed by his creator, J.K.K. Rowling, when she learned that the screenplay for an upcoming film involved some back-story of a love between the fictional professor and a fictional woman. To my knowledge, the Harry Potter novels contain no description of sex, heavy petting, petting or thoughts of petting – gay or otherwise. So, why the sexual orientation of Professor Dumbledore is even remotely relevant – especially in what would more than likely be a flashback scene of less than a minute – is completely beyond my understanding. But, for what can only be described as no good reason whatsoever, Rowling felt the need to make a stand, be true to her imagination and strike the offending scene from the script. So, in case you couldn’t live without knowing the sexual orientation of your favorite literary characters, now you do. And for the record, there is no evidence to support a suspicious claim that it was actually Dumbledore and not Larry Craig who was caught soliciting gay sex in an airport bathroom. None at all.
10.18.2007
...Homer Simpson, Smiling Politely
This post is not about football. But there is one football item I simply have to mention.
Ever have one of those moments where someone you typically think of as reasonably intelligent says something so profoundly stupid that you find yourself just staring off into space wondering when you were deposited in the Twilight Zone? Following a loss to the New England Patriots this past Sunday, Dallas Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips was asked what his game plan had been and what had gone wrong. Coach Phillips replied something to the effect of the following: “Our game plan was to shut down Sammie Morris and the New England running game and make Tom Brady beat us throwing the football.” What? Really? That was your plan? Seriously? Your defensive scheme was to focus your attention on the third string running back and let the three-time Superbowl champion quarterback and his Pro Bowl receivers roam free on the field? That’s like Lex Luthor saying, “you know what, I need to keep an eye on Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen, but heck, I’ll just let Superman do whatever he wants. What could possibly go wrong?” I wonder if that was the game plan when Wade’s San Diego defense met Brady’s Patriots in the playoffs last year? Might explain a few things. A word of advice to Wade Phillips. Get a new plan.
This past weekend I accompanied my wife to her ten-year high school reunion. Now, before I go any further I have to give kudos to my wife. I can be (and have been) a royal pain in the you-know-what when I’m forced to do something I have no interest in doing. But she dealt with me superbly – mostly by ignoring my complaints until I shut up – and even managed to have a pretty good time in spite of me. Anyway, back to the story.
The idea of the reunion is awkward for me – especially when that reunion isn’t mine. There are probably six people from my senior class that I’d like to see again. And inevitably those are the people who decide not to show up. This then leads to an eternal afternoon of fake smiles and tired waves at the host of others you wish had just stayed home. It’s bad enough standing around being judged by a group of people you barely remember and for the most part didn’t like, but who vividly remember how un-cool you were those four years. It’s something else entirely to stand around at the reunion of your considerably more popular wife, being judged by people she knows pretty well but you’ve never met, and in six hours will probably never see again. If you say something stupid and/or make a fool of yourself there’s no time to recover. They all go home thinking, “Gee, it sure was nice to see her again. Too bad she went and married that moron.”
Part of the point of the reunion is to find out how much everyone’s changed since the last time you saw them. The irony of course is that once everyone gets into the same room you realize that nothing’s all that different. The cool people then are still cool now, and while the geeks may have traded their glasses for contacts, they’re still geeks at heart. The stories may be new, but the cliques are the same. Sure, there’s always the exception to the rule - that one short, French horn playing, A/V club dude who’s now the dashing investment banker with the Aston Martin and the hot European wife. But for the most part, everyone is just an older (wiser?) version of who they were.
There were a couple bright spots though. I learned all about music recording and production from a former class officer who is now a sound engineer in Nashville. But more importantly I had the opportunity to spend some quality time in conversation with my wife’s best friend. I first met her when my wife and I started dating in college, and from our very first meeting I got the feeling she didn’t care for me all that much. Through the following years and her move to the East coast we barely had a conversation beyond courteous pleasantries, let alone anything meaningful. Even at our wedding where she was the maid of honor I always got the feeling that she really just tolerated me for my wife’s sake. True or false as that impression may have been, it’s always led me to feel – and therefore be awkward and uncomfortable around her. Well, for about 45 minutes last Saturday, while my social butterfly wife was off flitting from old friend to old friend, her best friend and I actually sat down and had a conversation. I don’t remember what we talked about, and I guess it doesn’t really matter. The conversation itself was the important part. Long story short, the awkwardness is gone, and it was nice to take a break from smiling politely to be real with someone.
So the weekend wasn’t a total loss. It could have been worse. They could have issued me a nametag as well. But it’s going to be at least fifteen years before I go back to another one – mine or otherwise. It’s going to take at least that long to come up with a clever story of what’s happened since the last time I flashed them my pearly whites.
Ever have one of those moments where someone you typically think of as reasonably intelligent says something so profoundly stupid that you find yourself just staring off into space wondering when you were deposited in the Twilight Zone? Following a loss to the New England Patriots this past Sunday, Dallas Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips was asked what his game plan had been and what had gone wrong. Coach Phillips replied something to the effect of the following: “Our game plan was to shut down Sammie Morris and the New England running game and make Tom Brady beat us throwing the football.” What? Really? That was your plan? Seriously? Your defensive scheme was to focus your attention on the third string running back and let the three-time Superbowl champion quarterback and his Pro Bowl receivers roam free on the field? That’s like Lex Luthor saying, “you know what, I need to keep an eye on Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen, but heck, I’ll just let Superman do whatever he wants. What could possibly go wrong?” I wonder if that was the game plan when Wade’s San Diego defense met Brady’s Patriots in the playoffs last year? Might explain a few things. A word of advice to Wade Phillips. Get a new plan.
This past weekend I accompanied my wife to her ten-year high school reunion. Now, before I go any further I have to give kudos to my wife. I can be (and have been) a royal pain in the you-know-what when I’m forced to do something I have no interest in doing. But she dealt with me superbly – mostly by ignoring my complaints until I shut up – and even managed to have a pretty good time in spite of me. Anyway, back to the story.
The idea of the reunion is awkward for me – especially when that reunion isn’t mine. There are probably six people from my senior class that I’d like to see again. And inevitably those are the people who decide not to show up. This then leads to an eternal afternoon of fake smiles and tired waves at the host of others you wish had just stayed home. It’s bad enough standing around being judged by a group of people you barely remember and for the most part didn’t like, but who vividly remember how un-cool you were those four years. It’s something else entirely to stand around at the reunion of your considerably more popular wife, being judged by people she knows pretty well but you’ve never met, and in six hours will probably never see again. If you say something stupid and/or make a fool of yourself there’s no time to recover. They all go home thinking, “Gee, it sure was nice to see her again. Too bad she went and married that moron.”
Part of the point of the reunion is to find out how much everyone’s changed since the last time you saw them. The irony of course is that once everyone gets into the same room you realize that nothing’s all that different. The cool people then are still cool now, and while the geeks may have traded their glasses for contacts, they’re still geeks at heart. The stories may be new, but the cliques are the same. Sure, there’s always the exception to the rule - that one short, French horn playing, A/V club dude who’s now the dashing investment banker with the Aston Martin and the hot European wife. But for the most part, everyone is just an older (wiser?) version of who they were.
There were a couple bright spots though. I learned all about music recording and production from a former class officer who is now a sound engineer in Nashville. But more importantly I had the opportunity to spend some quality time in conversation with my wife’s best friend. I first met her when my wife and I started dating in college, and from our very first meeting I got the feeling she didn’t care for me all that much. Through the following years and her move to the East coast we barely had a conversation beyond courteous pleasantries, let alone anything meaningful. Even at our wedding where she was the maid of honor I always got the feeling that she really just tolerated me for my wife’s sake. True or false as that impression may have been, it’s always led me to feel – and therefore be awkward and uncomfortable around her. Well, for about 45 minutes last Saturday, while my social butterfly wife was off flitting from old friend to old friend, her best friend and I actually sat down and had a conversation. I don’t remember what we talked about, and I guess it doesn’t really matter. The conversation itself was the important part. Long story short, the awkwardness is gone, and it was nice to take a break from smiling politely to be real with someone.
So the weekend wasn’t a total loss. It could have been worse. They could have issued me a nametag as well. But it’s going to be at least fifteen years before I go back to another one – mine or otherwise. It’s going to take at least that long to come up with a clever story of what’s happened since the last time I flashed them my pearly whites.
10.16.2007
Breakfast of Champions
Since a Giants Falcons football game is more or less equal to a four year old rerun of a budget debate on C-SPAN, we’ll get started a little early. Also, I’m sure I say this every week, but I’m feeling a little under the weather, so we’ll keep this one a little shorter. It helps that absolutely nothing worth talking about happened this past week. Well, with the exception of the following items.
Football first. A falling camera came fairly close to taking out both Seattle Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck and wide receiver Bobby Engram during their game against the New Orleans Saints Sunday night. The incident was described later on by several Seattle players and coaches as unsettling and a little scary. Kind of like the play of the Seahawks against a previously winless New Orleans team. If you thought – like I did - that last week’s Bears Packers game was the benchmark for bizarre coaching and on field decisions, this one was at least as whacky – if not more so. Oh, and somebody tell the ’72 Dolphins to “get their popcorn ready.” If the New England Patriots get past the Indianapolis Colts in three weeks, we’ll be staring down the barrel of the first 16-0 season in 35 years. This could be the perfect compliment to a possible 0-16 season from both the ’07 Miami Dolphins and the St. Louis Rams. Strange season this is.
Last week Wednesday the United Auto Workers decided they had reached an impasse with Chrysler and walked out on strike. Less than six hours later, all the issues they had been unable to resolve during months of negotiation magically resolved themselves, and everybody went back to work like nothing ever happened. So let that be a lesson to everyone. Whatever issues you may have, striking is obviously the solution. Strike hard, strike fast, and strike often.
For all of you who wake up every morning, slump over the newspaper at your kitchen table, stare blankly at your lone Pop Tart and half cup of coffee thinking there has to be more to breakfast than this, you don’t have to suffer anymore. This morning Hardee’s released its new Country Breakfast Burrito. This is not your grandfather’s breakfast burrito – assuming your grandfather consumed breakfast burritos. This is two egg omelets stuffed with bacon, sausage, diced ham, cheddar cheese, hash browns and gravy, all rolled up tightly in a flour tortilla. This portable heart attack contains 920 calories and sixty grams of fat. If you were stupid enough to squeeze one of these through the arteries for breakfast, then round out the day with only a 1,420 calorie Monster Thickburger for lunch, (two 1/3 pound beef patties, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese, mayo and a buttered bun) and an 1,100 calorie (83 grams of fat) Chicken Salad for dinner, you would have consumed 3,440 calories and over 150 grams of fat before bedtime. Not including fries, onion rings and/or soda. That’s a lot of sit-ups. Hardee’s claims they are merely trying to provide their core customers (young men ages 18 to 34) with menu options, which will fill them up. Maybe they should change their slogan. Hardee’s. We’ll fill you out. Hardee’s. Now with free cholesterol screening. Hardee’s. You don’t NEED to see your feet, do you?
Oil prices hit a record $86 a barrel today, closing at $86.13. It won’t be too long before that starts to translate into $3 plus at the gas pump. Of course, some idiot felt the need to explain that oil prices are still below inflation-adjusted highs reached in the early 1980s. That would be fantastic – IF I LIVED IN 1980! But I don’t! I live in 2007, and oil is $86 a barrel right now! Twenty-seven years ago I was three years old. So what! Nobody cares about the cost of oil 27 years ago! What is wrong with these people?
In an absolutely stunning turn of events, two of the co-defendants in the O.J. Simpson armed robbery case in Las Vegas have agreed to plead guilty and testify against him. Surprise! Apparently, what happens in Vegas, can keep you in Vegas - for fifteen to life.
Idaho Senator Larry Craig (him again?) has decided he has not yet begun to embarrass himself, and will appear in a primetime interview with Matt Lauer this Tuesday in an attempt to convince the public that he is not now – nor ever has been interested in gay sex. Of course, the interview will air on NBC, so all of six people might see it. Why would Matt Lauer agree to waste his time with this mess? He must really be hurting for ratings since Katie left.
And finally, not to be outdone by gay sex in an airport bathroom, some genius in Woodland, California is desperately trying to hold on to his dental license by claiming that fondling the breasts of 27 female patients is entirely appropriate in certain cases. The dental breast inspector himself claims that he routinely massaged patients’ chests to treat temporo-mandibular joint disorder, which causes head and neck pain. Anybody willing to bet the only pain in the neck those 27 women had was this guy? How could he possibly explain what he was doing with a straight face? “Don’t worry ma’am, I’m a licensed professional. Of course we covered breast massages in dental school! Everyone knows nipple sensitivity is directly related to tooth decay and gum disease, and this gentle pressure with rotation I’m applying here is designed to harden the enamel and rejuvenate the gums!” Hmm. Can you hear that? That's the sound of freshman physics majors all over the country switching to dentistry.
Football first. A falling camera came fairly close to taking out both Seattle Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck and wide receiver Bobby Engram during their game against the New Orleans Saints Sunday night. The incident was described later on by several Seattle players and coaches as unsettling and a little scary. Kind of like the play of the Seahawks against a previously winless New Orleans team. If you thought – like I did - that last week’s Bears Packers game was the benchmark for bizarre coaching and on field decisions, this one was at least as whacky – if not more so. Oh, and somebody tell the ’72 Dolphins to “get their popcorn ready.” If the New England Patriots get past the Indianapolis Colts in three weeks, we’ll be staring down the barrel of the first 16-0 season in 35 years. This could be the perfect compliment to a possible 0-16 season from both the ’07 Miami Dolphins and the St. Louis Rams. Strange season this is.
Last week Wednesday the United Auto Workers decided they had reached an impasse with Chrysler and walked out on strike. Less than six hours later, all the issues they had been unable to resolve during months of negotiation magically resolved themselves, and everybody went back to work like nothing ever happened. So let that be a lesson to everyone. Whatever issues you may have, striking is obviously the solution. Strike hard, strike fast, and strike often.
For all of you who wake up every morning, slump over the newspaper at your kitchen table, stare blankly at your lone Pop Tart and half cup of coffee thinking there has to be more to breakfast than this, you don’t have to suffer anymore. This morning Hardee’s released its new Country Breakfast Burrito. This is not your grandfather’s breakfast burrito – assuming your grandfather consumed breakfast burritos. This is two egg omelets stuffed with bacon, sausage, diced ham, cheddar cheese, hash browns and gravy, all rolled up tightly in a flour tortilla. This portable heart attack contains 920 calories and sixty grams of fat. If you were stupid enough to squeeze one of these through the arteries for breakfast, then round out the day with only a 1,420 calorie Monster Thickburger for lunch, (two 1/3 pound beef patties, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese, mayo and a buttered bun) and an 1,100 calorie (83 grams of fat) Chicken Salad for dinner, you would have consumed 3,440 calories and over 150 grams of fat before bedtime. Not including fries, onion rings and/or soda. That’s a lot of sit-ups. Hardee’s claims they are merely trying to provide their core customers (young men ages 18 to 34) with menu options, which will fill them up. Maybe they should change their slogan. Hardee’s. We’ll fill you out. Hardee’s. Now with free cholesterol screening. Hardee’s. You don’t NEED to see your feet, do you?
Oil prices hit a record $86 a barrel today, closing at $86.13. It won’t be too long before that starts to translate into $3 plus at the gas pump. Of course, some idiot felt the need to explain that oil prices are still below inflation-adjusted highs reached in the early 1980s. That would be fantastic – IF I LIVED IN 1980! But I don’t! I live in 2007, and oil is $86 a barrel right now! Twenty-seven years ago I was three years old. So what! Nobody cares about the cost of oil 27 years ago! What is wrong with these people?
In an absolutely stunning turn of events, two of the co-defendants in the O.J. Simpson armed robbery case in Las Vegas have agreed to plead guilty and testify against him. Surprise! Apparently, what happens in Vegas, can keep you in Vegas - for fifteen to life.
Idaho Senator Larry Craig (him again?) has decided he has not yet begun to embarrass himself, and will appear in a primetime interview with Matt Lauer this Tuesday in an attempt to convince the public that he is not now – nor ever has been interested in gay sex. Of course, the interview will air on NBC, so all of six people might see it. Why would Matt Lauer agree to waste his time with this mess? He must really be hurting for ratings since Katie left.
And finally, not to be outdone by gay sex in an airport bathroom, some genius in Woodland, California is desperately trying to hold on to his dental license by claiming that fondling the breasts of 27 female patients is entirely appropriate in certain cases. The dental breast inspector himself claims that he routinely massaged patients’ chests to treat temporo-mandibular joint disorder, which causes head and neck pain. Anybody willing to bet the only pain in the neck those 27 women had was this guy? How could he possibly explain what he was doing with a straight face? “Don’t worry ma’am, I’m a licensed professional. Of course we covered breast massages in dental school! Everyone knows nipple sensitivity is directly related to tooth decay and gum disease, and this gentle pressure with rotation I’m applying here is designed to harden the enamel and rejuvenate the gums!” Hmm. Can you hear that? That's the sound of freshman physics majors all over the country switching to dentistry.
10.10.2007
How Did That Get There?
Again this post is a day late. The story of my life. Too much going on Monday nights. I think I need to get some ESPN for my second television. Anyway, on to the weekend review.
After years of vehemently denying that she Ben Johnsoned the 2000 Olympics, sprinter Marion Jones finally admitted she was hopped up on “the Clear” around the time she won her five medals in Sydney, Australia. In a teary confession/apology, Jones said she will return her ill-gotten gains to the International Olympic Committee, accepted a two-year ban from competition, and decided to retire on the spot. I guess this goes to prove the adage that cheaters sometimes do win – before they lose.
In response to a New York Times article revealing more memos the Administration wrote in support of what some have labeled questionable interrogation tactics, both President Bush and his press secretary proclaimed to anyone who would listen that the U.S. government does not torture suspects during interrogation. Cleverly, they also refused to define exactly what their definition of torture is. Doesn’t this feel a little like “it depends on what the meaning of ‘is’ is?” Just another day at the office for the Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink, Just Trust Us Administration.
Senator Larry Craig (this guy again?) is being inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame – which I understand is the abandoned grain silo next to mile marker 56 on Interstate 84. Seriously, Idaho has a Hall of Fame? Really? And they want to feature Larry Craig? Did Mr. Potatohead turn them down? Maybe I just missed the National Professional Airport Bathroom Gay Sex League Playoffs on ESPN this weekend.
For the third straight quarter, Senator Barack Obama managed to raise over $20 million dollars for his presidential campaign. I wish I’d had this guy managing my fifth grade bake sales. Imagine the windfall from the sugar cookies.
During a civics presentation to a high school class, State Representative Matthew Barrett was startled – and embarrassed to find that before a bill becomes law it must be signed by topless women. Somehow, several nudie pictures had mysteriously mixed themselves in with the rest of his PowerPoint presentation. After class, Mr. Barrett had the memory stick he used during his presentation examined by the school’s technology director, who determined that in addition to the presentation, the stick also contained a directory of nude images. Barrett said he has “no idea where these came from.” Sure. I think I’ve seen this on an episode of Cops. That guys said the crack pipe in his glove box wasn’t his either. Somebody alert Best Buy, apparently all memory sticks now come preloaded with softcore porn. The Representative also claims he received the memory stick as gift from a legislative liaison from the state Library of Ohio three weeks ago. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts, right?
A Wisconsin Sheriff’s deputy, humiliated by an ex-girlfriend and others at a party, later returned and shot six of the seven remaining partygoers to death. Guns don’t kill people. Bullets do.
If you want to see how not to coach a football game, watch the tape of the Bears Packers game from Sunday night. Note to Mike McCarthy; if you want to know how to coach a game, watch the tape of the Dallas Buffalo game from Monday night. Give the ball to your playmakers and let them make plays, and stick to what you do best. Don’t stop doing something because it’s working. Oh, and if you want to see how to blow a call even after you’ve reviewed the replay, see one James Jones (non)fumble and one Edgerrin James (non)touchdown. Why bother having instant replay if you’re still going to screw up the call?
Finally, an arbitrator has ruled that ex- Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick must repay nearly $20 million in bonus money he received from the team for signing his 10 year $130 million dollar contract in December of 2004. If Vick wants to rehabilitate his image I would like to offer a suggestion. Instead of fighting tooth and nail to hold on the money, wouldn’t it be great if Vick could work out a way for at least a significant portion of that $20 million to somehow find it’s way to the Humane Society for the care and adoption of homeless animals? Just a thought. I have many. Every once in a while one just slips out.
After years of vehemently denying that she Ben Johnsoned the 2000 Olympics, sprinter Marion Jones finally admitted she was hopped up on “the Clear” around the time she won her five medals in Sydney, Australia. In a teary confession/apology, Jones said she will return her ill-gotten gains to the International Olympic Committee, accepted a two-year ban from competition, and decided to retire on the spot. I guess this goes to prove the adage that cheaters sometimes do win – before they lose.
In response to a New York Times article revealing more memos the Administration wrote in support of what some have labeled questionable interrogation tactics, both President Bush and his press secretary proclaimed to anyone who would listen that the U.S. government does not torture suspects during interrogation. Cleverly, they also refused to define exactly what their definition of torture is. Doesn’t this feel a little like “it depends on what the meaning of ‘is’ is?” Just another day at the office for the Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink, Just Trust Us Administration.
Senator Larry Craig (this guy again?) is being inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame – which I understand is the abandoned grain silo next to mile marker 56 on Interstate 84. Seriously, Idaho has a Hall of Fame? Really? And they want to feature Larry Craig? Did Mr. Potatohead turn them down? Maybe I just missed the National Professional Airport Bathroom Gay Sex League Playoffs on ESPN this weekend.
For the third straight quarter, Senator Barack Obama managed to raise over $20 million dollars for his presidential campaign. I wish I’d had this guy managing my fifth grade bake sales. Imagine the windfall from the sugar cookies.
During a civics presentation to a high school class, State Representative Matthew Barrett was startled – and embarrassed to find that before a bill becomes law it must be signed by topless women. Somehow, several nudie pictures had mysteriously mixed themselves in with the rest of his PowerPoint presentation. After class, Mr. Barrett had the memory stick he used during his presentation examined by the school’s technology director, who determined that in addition to the presentation, the stick also contained a directory of nude images. Barrett said he has “no idea where these came from.” Sure. I think I’ve seen this on an episode of Cops. That guys said the crack pipe in his glove box wasn’t his either. Somebody alert Best Buy, apparently all memory sticks now come preloaded with softcore porn. The Representative also claims he received the memory stick as gift from a legislative liaison from the state Library of Ohio three weeks ago. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts, right?
A Wisconsin Sheriff’s deputy, humiliated by an ex-girlfriend and others at a party, later returned and shot six of the seven remaining partygoers to death. Guns don’t kill people. Bullets do.
If you want to see how not to coach a football game, watch the tape of the Bears Packers game from Sunday night. Note to Mike McCarthy; if you want to know how to coach a game, watch the tape of the Dallas Buffalo game from Monday night. Give the ball to your playmakers and let them make plays, and stick to what you do best. Don’t stop doing something because it’s working. Oh, and if you want to see how to blow a call even after you’ve reviewed the replay, see one James Jones (non)fumble and one Edgerrin James (non)touchdown. Why bother having instant replay if you’re still going to screw up the call?
Finally, an arbitrator has ruled that ex- Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick must repay nearly $20 million in bonus money he received from the team for signing his 10 year $130 million dollar contract in December of 2004. If Vick wants to rehabilitate his image I would like to offer a suggestion. Instead of fighting tooth and nail to hold on the money, wouldn’t it be great if Vick could work out a way for at least a significant portion of that $20 million to somehow find it’s way to the Humane Society for the care and adoption of homeless animals? Just a thought. I have many. Every once in a while one just slips out.
10.04.2007
Into That Good Night
Just when you thought it was safe to go back into an airport bathroom, some creepy wrinkled fingers reach under the stall partition and grab hold of your leg. That’s right people, “wide stance” Larry Craig is back. And he is going nowhere fast. This afternoon a Minnesota judge denied Senator Craig’s request to have his guilty plea vacated, ruling that the plea was entered “accurately, voluntarily and intelligently,” and was supported by the evidence. Yet, despite a promise to resign from office if the court ruled against him, Craig has vowed to continue to embarrass himself publicly in national newspaper articles and cable television sound bites.
Some people just don’t know when to go away. Perhaps he doesn’t realize how foolish he looks. Or maybe he thinks that by continuing to beat people over the head with his fuzzy logic and absurd explanations, they will eventually forget about what happened in the first place and dismiss these – and all future antics – as “just Larry being Larry.” But what Senator Craig doesn’t seem understand is that “just being Larry”, doesn’t amount to much.
It takes a special kind of person to look everyone in the eye, lie through his teeth and get away with it. And it’s pretty obvious that Larry Craig is no Bill Clinton. He’s not even O.J. Simpson. Okay, maybe that’s not entirely true. He does share O.J.'s inability to keep his mouth shut and stay out of sight. But the point is this: Larry Craig is the no-name, generic representative of a state more famous for potatoes than for people. In the grand political scheme of things he is inconsequential. But for some reason, he has deluded himself into believing he is more than the sum of those parts. He is convinced that the greater good can only be served if he takes a stand on behalf of every honest, upstanding citizen who has ever solicited gay sex in an airport bathroom, then denied doing it, then admitted to it, then denied it again when it became public.
There is something to be said for wanting to be more than you are. Everyone should strive to exceed his potential. But there’s a fine line between reaching for the stars and pulling them down on your head. Senator Craig needs to respect that line. It may be true that quitters never win and winners never quit. But people who never win and never quit, are just stupid.
Some people just don’t know when to go away. Perhaps he doesn’t realize how foolish he looks. Or maybe he thinks that by continuing to beat people over the head with his fuzzy logic and absurd explanations, they will eventually forget about what happened in the first place and dismiss these – and all future antics – as “just Larry being Larry.” But what Senator Craig doesn’t seem understand is that “just being Larry”, doesn’t amount to much.
It takes a special kind of person to look everyone in the eye, lie through his teeth and get away with it. And it’s pretty obvious that Larry Craig is no Bill Clinton. He’s not even O.J. Simpson. Okay, maybe that’s not entirely true. He does share O.J.'s inability to keep his mouth shut and stay out of sight. But the point is this: Larry Craig is the no-name, generic representative of a state more famous for potatoes than for people. In the grand political scheme of things he is inconsequential. But for some reason, he has deluded himself into believing he is more than the sum of those parts. He is convinced that the greater good can only be served if he takes a stand on behalf of every honest, upstanding citizen who has ever solicited gay sex in an airport bathroom, then denied doing it, then admitted to it, then denied it again when it became public.
There is something to be said for wanting to be more than you are. Everyone should strive to exceed his potential. But there’s a fine line between reaching for the stars and pulling them down on your head. Senator Craig needs to respect that line. It may be true that quitters never win and winners never quit. But people who never win and never quit, are just stupid.
10.03.2007
The Wheels on the Bus
Wow, is it Tuesday already? Time really flies when all your fantasy football teams are losing.
Due to circumstances beyond my control (i.e. my real job), and the fact that it’s been a pretty slow news week, today’s blurb will be a short one. Short but sweet. Like Gidget.
A very angry Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas appeared on 60 Minutes this past Sunday night. It seems that among other things, Justice Thomas is still raging mad about the travishamockery that was his confirmation hearing sixteen years ago. Seriously Clarence, chill out. Have a Coke. You won man. We’ve been through three presidents and two Gulf Wars since you replaced Thurgood Marshall on the high court, and you are still there. People who liked you then, still like you now and those who didn’t, still don’t. It’s been sixteen years. Get over it.
Less than one day after the United Auto Workers went on strike last week, they struck a deal with General Motors and called the whole thing off. Just this past Monday morning the Michigan state government shut down for four hours before re-opening as the legislature finally came to an agreement to balance the state budget. I have an idea. In the future, let’s save everybody a whole lot of time and trouble by starting negotiations right at the strike or closure deadline. Nothing ever gets done until that point anyway. Why pretend that anything said up until that point is anything but media fodder.
A judge has ordered everyone’s favorite panty-less mother Britney Spears to turn full custody of her two kids over to ex-husband Kevin Federline. If anyone had told me two years ago that Federline would be the one to walk away from that relationship with his dignity intact I would have questioned his or her sanity. Looks like the joke’s on us.
The chairman of the Security Contractor Blackwater U.S.A., Erik Prince, testified on Capitol Hill today regarding the actions of his company and its employees in Iraq. At least I’m not the only one who thinks it might be a problem to have non-state actors employed by the government running around a foreign country with automatic weapons and licenses to kill, without any oversight or accountability. More on this mess in a subsequent post.
Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre broke Dan Marino’s record for most career passing touchdowns with numbers 421 & 422 coming against the Minnesota Vikings this past Sunday. Football is a young man’s game, and it’s great to see an “old man” like Favre (soon to be 38) still playing the game with the same enthusiasm he played with when he was 27, and doing it better than a lot of guys ten years younger than he is. Congratulations Brett, on breaking records and a fantastic career, which now seems to be far from over. It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. And yes, that is Peyton Manning in your rear view mirror.
Finally, last week, Hope Solo, the undefeated – and by all accounts very talented goaltender of the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team was benched for the semi-final game at the Women’s World Cup against Brazil in favor of the much older World Cup & Olympic Champion Brianna Scurry. The U.S. went on to lose that game 4-0, and right after the match Solo found a camera and a microphone and let the whole world know just how upset she was. She explained – in no uncertain terms – that her coach was incompetent at best, stupid at worst, and that her teammate was a washed up relic of a bygone era. Later, she tried to blunt her comments by issuing an “apology” on her blog, saying it was a shame people thought she made derogatory comments about her teammate when she was clearly only referring to the ineptitude of her coach. Come on Hope. Be a (wo)man. Apologize for real. You don’t have to lie – we know you meant what you said. But instead of blaming people for “misunderstanding” you, what you should have said was “I said some things to the media that I shouldn’t have said, and I’d like to apologize to the team for that.” That’s it, end of story. Look, everything you said about your coach was true. Everyone who knows anything about goaltenders knows that you don’t screw around with a goaltender’s mojo. If they’re hot, leave ‘em in, if they’re not, take ‘em out. But if you have a problem with him or your teammates, you take it up with them in private. You do not come out on national television and throw them under the bus, then think you can make it all go away with a lame fake apology on a website. An apology IS an admission that one has said or done something one should not have said or done, and would therefore wish to express regret for saying or doing so. An apology IS NOT an explanation that some idiot took your “obviously” benign statement out of context and that you regret that anyone might have taken offense to what they were dumb enough to think they thought they heard you say.
Due to circumstances beyond my control (i.e. my real job), and the fact that it’s been a pretty slow news week, today’s blurb will be a short one. Short but sweet. Like Gidget.
A very angry Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas appeared on 60 Minutes this past Sunday night. It seems that among other things, Justice Thomas is still raging mad about the travishamockery that was his confirmation hearing sixteen years ago. Seriously Clarence, chill out. Have a Coke. You won man. We’ve been through three presidents and two Gulf Wars since you replaced Thurgood Marshall on the high court, and you are still there. People who liked you then, still like you now and those who didn’t, still don’t. It’s been sixteen years. Get over it.
Less than one day after the United Auto Workers went on strike last week, they struck a deal with General Motors and called the whole thing off. Just this past Monday morning the Michigan state government shut down for four hours before re-opening as the legislature finally came to an agreement to balance the state budget. I have an idea. In the future, let’s save everybody a whole lot of time and trouble by starting negotiations right at the strike or closure deadline. Nothing ever gets done until that point anyway. Why pretend that anything said up until that point is anything but media fodder.
A judge has ordered everyone’s favorite panty-less mother Britney Spears to turn full custody of her two kids over to ex-husband Kevin Federline. If anyone had told me two years ago that Federline would be the one to walk away from that relationship with his dignity intact I would have questioned his or her sanity. Looks like the joke’s on us.
The chairman of the Security Contractor Blackwater U.S.A., Erik Prince, testified on Capitol Hill today regarding the actions of his company and its employees in Iraq. At least I’m not the only one who thinks it might be a problem to have non-state actors employed by the government running around a foreign country with automatic weapons and licenses to kill, without any oversight or accountability. More on this mess in a subsequent post.
Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre broke Dan Marino’s record for most career passing touchdowns with numbers 421 & 422 coming against the Minnesota Vikings this past Sunday. Football is a young man’s game, and it’s great to see an “old man” like Favre (soon to be 38) still playing the game with the same enthusiasm he played with when he was 27, and doing it better than a lot of guys ten years younger than he is. Congratulations Brett, on breaking records and a fantastic career, which now seems to be far from over. It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. And yes, that is Peyton Manning in your rear view mirror.
Finally, last week, Hope Solo, the undefeated – and by all accounts very talented goaltender of the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team was benched for the semi-final game at the Women’s World Cup against Brazil in favor of the much older World Cup & Olympic Champion Brianna Scurry. The U.S. went on to lose that game 4-0, and right after the match Solo found a camera and a microphone and let the whole world know just how upset she was. She explained – in no uncertain terms – that her coach was incompetent at best, stupid at worst, and that her teammate was a washed up relic of a bygone era. Later, she tried to blunt her comments by issuing an “apology” on her blog, saying it was a shame people thought she made derogatory comments about her teammate when she was clearly only referring to the ineptitude of her coach. Come on Hope. Be a (wo)man. Apologize for real. You don’t have to lie – we know you meant what you said. But instead of blaming people for “misunderstanding” you, what you should have said was “I said some things to the media that I shouldn’t have said, and I’d like to apologize to the team for that.” That’s it, end of story. Look, everything you said about your coach was true. Everyone who knows anything about goaltenders knows that you don’t screw around with a goaltender’s mojo. If they’re hot, leave ‘em in, if they’re not, take ‘em out. But if you have a problem with him or your teammates, you take it up with them in private. You do not come out on national television and throw them under the bus, then think you can make it all go away with a lame fake apology on a website. An apology IS an admission that one has said or done something one should not have said or done, and would therefore wish to express regret for saying or doing so. An apology IS NOT an explanation that some idiot took your “obviously” benign statement out of context and that you regret that anyone might have taken offense to what they were dumb enough to think they thought they heard you say.
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