Aliens in America

I hope everyone is finished with the turkey hangovers and well into the Christmas spirit. Lord knows the retailers are. Of course they’ve been jingling the bells since the day after Halloween. Why can’t we just focus on one holiday at a time - preferably in chronological order?

The Dumbass of the Week award goes - without question - to Denver Broncos punter and kickoff “specialist” Todd Sauerbrun. Not only did he waste a considerable amount of videotape and ink trash talking the greatest kick returner in the history of football, he actually displayed the hubris to kick him the ball! Not once, but twice! Both of which (one punt and one kick-off) were promptly returned for touchdowns. And as if sounding stupid and feeling stupid weren’t bad enough, Sauerbrun also made himself look ridiculous being hurdled by Hester on one return and juked out of his shoes in a feeble attempt to make a tackle on the other. Oh, and did I mention he also had a punt blocked? I’m not sure what he was thinking when he did those things - or if he was thinking at all, but one thing is for certain, Todd Sauerbrun ain’t no Josh Brown.

The city of San Francisco has banned the use of plastic grocery bags within the city limits. The city council has decided plastic bags take up too much room in landfills, damage the environment, and are just too darn convenient for its socially enlightened citizens. There is no word as yet on how this will affect the ability of the city’s homeless to collect the bottles and cans to return for the deposits. However, baggers will now be required to ask customers, “will that be paper or six acne-ridden teenaged boys to carry your seventeen paper bags up the three-hundred foot, sixty-degree incline to your apartment?”

According to a CNN report, ankle deep snowdrifts are sparking spontaneous snowball fights in parts of Texas. I realize CNN is a fairly reputable news organization, but that report is completely false. There is no such thing as an ankle deep snowdrift. Ankle deep snowfall, perhaps. But ankle deep snowdrifts do not exist. A snowdrift requires a considerable volume of snow - at least enough to build up into something resembling a mound or hill. A mound the size of ones ankle can be considered little more than a rut. Apparently the snowdrifts are the only things that are not bigger in Texas.

Doctors discovered this morning that Vice President Cheney suffers from an irregular heartbeat stemming from atrial fibrillation. I didn’t realize androids had atriums. It may be time to bring the real Cheney out of the bunker for a second round of cloning.

Authorities in the Netherlands arrested Joran van der Sloot for the millionth time Monday and shipped him back to Aruba, where he and Kalpoe brothers Deepak and Satish face charges of “involvement in the voluntary manslaughter of Natalee Holloway, or causing serious bodily harm to Natalee Holloway, resulting in her death.” Though we’ve been down this road before, and a body has yet to be found, Aruban authorities believe they may now have enough evidence to finally put this case to rest. I hope they’re right. The fewer unsolved disappearances of pretty white women, the better off the rest of us will be.

This coming Wednesday, CNN will waste everybody’s evening yet again with another YouTube debate – this time with the Republican candidates. The first time this happened viewers were treated to video after webcam video of yahoos donning costumes and stupid hats, and singing or acting out the same lame questions every debate moderator has asked since Kennedy made Nixon look like a stiff sweaty used car salesman in 1960. (Why is it that if you give someone a webcam they will immediately make an idiot of themselves) Then to top it off, we were told that this worthless pile of crap was great, and fantastic and the wave of the future. I can’t wait for round two. Seriously. Let’s hurry up and get this over with so I can go back to watching squirrels bury acorns in my front lawn.

State prosecutors have charged Dover, New Hampshire congressional candidate Gary Dodds of faking a car accident and disappearance in April in order to gain publicity for his 2006 Congressional campaign. After a 24 hour large scale search, Dodds was found with what his lawyer described as a concussion, situational amnesia, severe frostbite and nerve damage.” How terrible is your campaign that the best idea you can come up with is to careen into oncoming traffic, slither away from the wreckage and hide out in the woods for a day in what must have been inappropriate clothing? On second thought, maybe that’s why your campaign went so poorly.

Puerto Rican beauty queen Ingrid Marie Rivera won the right to represent her island at the 2008 Miss Universe pageant, despite first having her gowns stolen, then later having her make-up and collection of new evening gowns coated with pepper spray. Sorta lends a whole new meaning to the term “spicy Latina woman.” I know, bad joke, I’m sorry. Apparently people confused this beauty contest with an episode of the Jerry Springer Show. Take a step back people. It’s women in hideous one-piece swimsuits, strutting around in heels and praying for world peace. Not Survivor Puerto Rico.

Finally, in what may be the best Associated Press story of the week, the state of New Mexico has kicked off a new tourism campaign featuring “drooling, grotesque office workers from outer space chatting about their personal lives.” In an oblique reference to New Mexico’s world - and perhaps galaxy famous Roswell incident of 1947, the space alien conversations all lead back to the tag line that New Mexico might be “the best place in the universe.” Never having been there I can neither confirm nor deny the truth of that statement, but that is one seriously funny ad campaign. Of course, like all good advertisements, these have their detractors. Critics say the ads reduce the standards of the state and fail to feature the things New Mexico is known for. Okay, what is New Mexico known for? I have no idea. Colorado has skiing; Arizona has the Grand Canyon, Nevada has casinos, California has the ocean, Utah has Mormons, and New Mexico has... aliens, right? It seems like almost everything one could find in New Mexico could be found in any of the surrounding states. So in order to differentiate from the neighbors, you have to pick something that makes you unique and play that up. And if that something just happens to be aliens, then so be it. Perhaps the particular type of alien needs revision - a little less like Starship Troopers, a little more like ALF. But they came a REALLY long way to visit, and they didn’t stop off in the Napa Valley, or at a golf course in Flagstaff, or drop fifty large at the MGM Grand. They came to New Mexico damn it! A desert in the middle of a desert! Embrace it. It’s your heritage. As weird and freaky as that may be.