I Could Be Mayor

That’s right people, its Wednesday. And to celebrate, I’m writing a blog entry. My life is really sad.

Actually, I’m celebrating the end (hopefully) of Democratic primary debate season. Last night, Senators Clinton and Obama held their twentieth pre-nomination debate on MSNBC from Cleveland State University. Again, I’m a little confused as to why Senator Clinton continues to agree to debate Obama on college campuses, where polling seems to indicate a vast majority of students favor the senator from Illinois. But at this point that no longer matters. What matters now is that, more likely than not, these exercises in futility are over – at least until the general election. If voters haven’t figured out by now where Clinton and Obama stand on the issues, they either haven’t been paying attention, or simply don’t want to know. Next Tuesday Texas, Ohio, Vermont and Rhode Island will get their chance to narrow the field, and by Wednesday morning we’ll have a really good idea of whether this race is over, or just gearing up for six more weeks of madness.

During his warm-up speech at a rally for John McCain in Cincinnati yesterday, local radio talk-show host Bill Cunningham repeatedly referred to McCain's possible general election opponent as “Barack Hussein Obama”, and called him a political “hack” from Chicago who had received “sweetheart deals” while serving there. His remarks may have gone over well with the crowd, but he utterly failed to impress McCain. When informed of the comments after his address, McCain repudiated them saying, “My entire campaign I have treated Senator Obama and Senator Clinton with respect. I will continue to do that throughout this campaign.” Not to be outdone, upon hearing of McCain’s repudiation, Cunningham renounced McCain, proclaiming he would now be throwing his support to Hillary Clinton. He then accused the candidate of “throwing him under the bus.” Note to Bill Cunningham. If you don’t want to end up under the bus, don’t lie down in front of it. John McCain has been on the wrong end of too many of those types of attacks to condone their use by anyone affiliated with him. Cunningham should have known that – and I’m sure he did. He just couldn’t help himself. That’s just the kind of person he is. He even tried to play it off in an interview with NPR Wednesday afternoon saying he regularly refers to people by their full names – even though he did not mention anyone else’s full legal name during his time on stage. From what I understand, those big black bias-ply tread marks are pretty hard to scrub off.

As an aside, the following are the names of some radio talk-show hosts: rush Limbaugh, Hugh Hewitt, Lars Larson, Michael Savage, Mancow Muller. Who names these people? Seriously. Mancow?

Disgraced Idaho Senator Larry Craig is looking for pages to serve on his staff for the remainder of his term. I think this writes it’s own jokes.

The mayor of Arlington, Oregon, was recalled from office by her constituents after she posted a photo of herself posing in lingerie with a fire truck on her MySpace page. There is some reason to believe that the removal of two employees from the local golf course also contributed to her fate, but the picture seems to be the primary point of contention. I guess my first question is what is a forty-two year old woman doing with a MySpace page? Silly rabbit, the Internet is for kids! And tell me if this makes sense to you. Posing non-suggestively in your underwear next to an inanimate object gets you fired, but smoking crack in a hotel room with an ex-girlfriend gets you re-elected? God bless America.

If you went to your local Starbucks looking for a frappuccino fix yesterday evening you probably returned home disappointed. The Seattle-based coffee chain close nearly all of it’s 7,100 stores for three hours to re-educate staff on how to brew coffee. Barista training. Remember the old days when you packed some grounds into the filter, ran the hot water through it and poured the stuff into a paper cup? Yeah, I don’t either. Now it comes with warm milk, foam, whipped cream, sprinkles, something called a java jacket, and costs seven dollars. I guess if people are going to pay that much for anything, they want to know it’s been made by a professional.

Finally, two 18 year-old girls were escorted off of a Southwest Airlines flight in Los Angeles. They claim they were discriminated against for being too pretty. (Insert uproarious laughter here.) Of course, Southwest has a different – and I’m guessing more accurate - version of events, which includes the teens confrontational behavior and use of profanity toward passengers and crew. Now I think I understand wanting to have some kind of cover story for getting thrown off an airplane, but you have to come up with something better than you were too pretty and other passengers were jealous. Obviously no one’s going to buy that. This is Southwest, not Morlock Air. They may not welcome passengers trying pass off belts as miniskirts, but no one in the history of flight has been thrown off an airplane for being too pretty. Too stupid? Yes. Too pretty? No.

Tsunami!

Anger without the enthusiasm… anger without the enthusiasm….

Tomorrow is Tuesday. But it’s not just Tuesday. It’s more than Tuesday. It’s Super Tuesday. Uber-Tuesday. Tsunami Tuesday! Isn’t that exciting? Aren’t you excited? Well you should be. What do you mean why? Because it’s Super Tuesday, that’s why! Super Tuesday! Super!

Now that we’ve dispensed with the media hype we can get down to business. Twenty-four states will hold presidential primaries or caucuses tomorrow. Fifty-two percent of Democratic delegates and forty-one percent of Republican delegates will be awarded by the time the contests are over, many in a manner more confusing than the popularity of Ryan Seacrest. I had planned on going over the results as they rolled in tomorrow evening, but I realized this past weekend that I’m not as young as I used to be, and therefore cannot stay up as late as I used to. So instead of trying to assemble coherent sentences through bleary eyes and foggy brain, I’ll attempt to tackle the results of tomorrow’s primaries on Wednesday night.

If the opinion polls are to be believed – and there’s really no reason they should be – Barack Obama has virtually erased Hilary Clinton’s nationwide lead in a span of 12 days. In most national polls, the two senators are now well within the statistical margin of error. In some cases, like California for example, what was once a 30+ point lead for Senator Clinton may now be a four-point lead for Senator Obama. If these snapshots of voter opinion are accurate and hold through tomorrow, Obama will have pulled of a come-from-behind victory on the scale of what his Republican counterpart John McCain is poised to complete by the close of voting Tuesday evening.

About six months ago, Senator John McCain was all but politically extinct. He was old, broke, and buried at the bottom of the Republican heap. Well, it’s a new year, and McCain is a new man. He’s still old and broke, but he is now the (almost) undisputed Republican front-runner, leading by double digits in nearly every state poll and poised to clinch his party’s Presidential nomination. While this may seem like the ultimate resurrection story – a phoenix rising from the ashes of the Arizona desert, it makes some in the Republican Party very nervous, and very angry. A quick perusal of talk radio will tell you all you need to know about McCain’s detractors, for they are the biggest names in conservative media and entertainment. And the vitriol is of the sort usually reserved for union leaders, environmentalist, illegal immigrants and liberals. Last week on Sean Hannity’s radio show, author and political harpy Ann Coulter claimed that if McCain is ultimately selected to run for president, she will personally campaign for Hilary Clinton, citing her belief that Clinton would be “more conservative” and “tougher on terror” than McCain. Coulter was obviously not serious about supporting Clinton, but the mere fact that she would use the words “I will” and “campaign for” and “Clinton” in the same sentence goes to demonstrate just how terrified certain elements of the party are of losing a certain degree of their influence. So if McCain emerges from Super Tuesday victorious, we may be looking at a shift in the balance of power in the Republican Party. What that means for the country remains to be seen.

Most of you may not have noticed, but there were two more presidential debates last week ahead of the California primary. Why are there so many of these things? Have we ever had so many debates prior to the selection of nominees in which we have learned so little? Why continue subjecting people to this crap? How many ways can we listen to the candidates tell us the same things they told us a year ago when this whole mess began. Is it me, or do cable news channels continue to sponsor debates in the hope that someone will eventually break down and start throwing punches? Cable’s version of political pornography.

In other political news, President Bush unveiled his final budget plan today, weighing in at over 3.1 trillion dollars. For those of you who don’t like words, that budget number looks like this: $3,100,000,000,000. For those of you who need an English translation, that equates to one hell of a lot of money. But don’t worry, according to the President, he has specifically tailored this budget proposal to control spending. I’m not sure I understand how a 3.1 trillion dollar budget – which excludes any funding for the current wars (sure to follow in subsequent appropriations bills) – keeps a lid on spending, but what do I know. He’s the President, I’m sure that means he’s a wiser man than me. Can you feel the sarcasm? Can you?

The Federal Bureau of Investigation announced this morning that they would soon award a billion dollar contract to create a complete biometric database of everyone they possibly can over the next ten years. The idea is to record every fingerprint, palm print, iris scan, face recognition photo, security camera snapshot, social security number and EVERY other identifying media you can imagine, store it on a hard drive in the basement of FBI Headquarters and be able to call it up at a moments notice – all for your protection. That’s right ladies and gentlemen. If every iota of your personal information is not floating around on an FBI server, accessible by any joker in the building with a password or fifteen-year-old kid in Denmark with a broadband connection, terrorism wins. Terrorism wins big. So you might as well surrender your privacy now.

There was an interesting development in the Natalee Holloway case over the weekend. Remember Natalee Holloway? You know, Alabama teenager on a field trip with classmates to Aruba who disappeared the night before she was scheduled to return home? Well, in an interview airing on Dutch television over the weekend, prime suspect Joran van der Sloot admitted being with Holloway on an Aruban beach when she died, and that a friend of his with a boat (neither of his two alleged co-conspirators) took her body out to sea and disposed of it. He admitted to a bunch of other things as well, leading Dutch authorities to reopen the investigation and a Dutch judge to declare the videotaped “confession” admissible in court. Sounds like this case is resolved, doesn’t it? Only one problem. Joran van der Sloot now claims he made the whole thing up, that he simply told the guy what he wanted to hear. Unfortunately for van der Sloot, he told the guy exactly what the prosecutor wanted to hear as well. If you’re guilty and you know it, shut your mouth.

Disney’s “Hannah Montana” concert movie topped the box office this past weekend with a take in excess of 29 million dollars. In case you’re wondering, that figure is double the gross of its closest competition. Granted, it opened against such cinema juggernauts as “The Eye,” and “Over Her Dead Body,” but it’s pretty impressive none-the-less. In fact, the “film” performed so well that Disney plans to extend the planned one-week only run for another week. When I was little I dreamed of the day the word would be taken over by ten-year-olds like me. Alas, that day is upon us. Run for the hills.

According to AskMen.com, (what?) Grey’s Anatomy actress Katherine Heigl is this year’s most desirable woman. I don’t know who voted in this poll, but I’m going to assume they were all women. Partially because men don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy and have no idea who Katherine Heigl is. (I’m actually a little embarrassed that I do.) And also because men wouldn’t visit a website called AskMen.com. Men know what men think. We don’t need to ask other men what we think. So, to rephrase, according to all the women who voted in the AskMen.com poll, Katherine Heigl is this year’s most desirable woman. After reviewing the evidence, I don’t understand why. She’s pretty, but I’m not feeling the desire. There are probably fifteen or twenty ladies ahead of her on the desirability scale. Women have odd taste in women.

Finally tonight, in a move that NO ONE saw coming, Texas Tech basketball coach Bob Knight resigned tonight, in the midst of a decent season, turning the coaching duties over to his assistant coach and son, Pat. For those of you who don’t remember Knight for his coaching, you might remember him for throwing chairs at referees, or smacking his players in the face, or yelling obscenities at reporters during press conferences. There is no middle ground with this guy, you either think he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread, or the worst thing since stale, moldy bread. But the best part about this is that we no longer have to think of his at all. (You can probably tell which side of the fence I’m on.) Knight has always been an arrogant, abusive, annoying, ill-mannered son-of-a-you-know-what, and I’m sure college basketball will get along just fine without him. Good riddance Bobby.

...Without the Enthusiasm

Not a whole lot to get to this week, so I figured I’d get started a little early. I don’t think I’ve ever been early for anything. Not sure how this is going to work out.

As if the sports media’s constant blathering about the Yankees and the Red Sox wasn’t bad enough, we will now be treated to two solid weeks of gibberish about the Giants and the Patriots. I can’t wait. Congratulations to the Giants, I hope the Patriots complete the perfect season.

Apparently I was completely wrong about Michigan. People did come out in 26-degree weather to vote “uncommitted.” As a matter of fact, 40% of voters in the Democratic primary voted “uncommitted.” How about that. Almost half of the voters committed to being uncommitted, and all of them completely wasted their time. The irony of making your primary irrelevant by trying to make it relevant should be lost on no one.

As expected, John McCain walked away with the Republican version of the South Carolina primary, while Mitt Romney clubbed second place finisher Ron Paul over the head with the Nevada Republican Caucus, and Senator Clinton pulled out a six-point victory over Senator Obama in the state’s Democratic version of said event. Unfortunately for everyone with money on Duncan Hunter to capture the Republican nomination, he has decided his campaign was accomplishing nothing and decided to drop out. Why he remained in the race this long is beyond me. Ask anyone if they know who Duncan Hunter is and listen to them answer, “Isn’t that the guy with the cake mixes?” There are several other candidates remaining in the race who should probably follow Hunter’s lead. Here I’m thinking particularly of four guys named Thompson, Paul, Kucinich and Edwards. But I guess people need to come to conclusions of that nature on their own.

What all this primary nonsense means at this point is anybody’s guess. It’s obvious we won’t know anything for sure until the night of February 5, after 24 states have made their decision regarding the respective nominees. However, if things continue on the current path (with McCain and Clinton seemingly in the lead), we will at least have learned one thing: the Iowa Caucuses are completely useless and can be scrapped the next time around.

Several weeks ago a tiger escaped from its pen at the San Francisco Zoo and attacked three youths, killing one of them, before police killed the animal. The two surviving victims and their families, and several lawyers itching to take the case blamed the attack on an enclosure wall which was found to be four feet lower than industry standard. However, further investigation has subsequently revealed that the three morons in question were not only intoxicated with both alcohol and marijuana, but also taunted the tiger as well, shouting at it, waving their arms, climbing the railing at the edge of the tiger moat and possibly throwing things at the animal. What’s that saying again? Don’t poke the bear? Or tiger in this case? The lawyer for the family of the mauled teenager has tried to emphasize that whether or not the boys taunted the animal, the zoo has a legal responsibility to protect the public from the animals it houses. And while the lawyer may be legally correct, understand this. The wall of the tiger enclosure at the San Francisco Zoo has ALWAYS been four feet shorter than industry standard. The tiger enclosure has ALWAYS had tigers in it. Yet intoxicated teenagers are not mauled by tigers on a regular basis. What’s different about this case? Sometimes nature has a way of weeding out the idiots.

I just read a great slogan on a t-shirt for sale at Cafepress.com. “Depression is anger without the enthusiasm.” Truer words have never been written.

One week after Golf Channel anchor Kelly Tilghman jokingly suggested lynching Tiger Woods in a back alley, and several days after Tiger released a statement saying that even thought Tilghman was an insensitive b!#@&, he was not offended by the remark and felt that people should just let it go, Golfweek Magazine decided to run with the image of a noose on it’s cover. I know that may be hard to believe, but it’s true. Except for the part about Tilghman being an insensitive… you know what. Tiger didn’t say that. I did. Anyway, one day after Golfweek ran the cover with the noose, it fired its longtime editor and vice president, Dave Seanor, for sending the magazine to press with said cover. Of course this took place after all the sponsors threatened to pull their advertising, but that’s really beside the point. Several things could easily have prevented this whole ugly incident from happening in the first place. First, to reiterate what I said last week, if there were Golf Channel, Kelly Tilghman would have had no venue from which to make asinine statements. I blame cable for that. Second, what the hell is Golfweek Magazine? How many articles can you possibly write about the proper way to follow through on your drive? Seriously, trees have to give their lives for this drivel? And finally, even if we overlook the first two mistakes, anyone with the least bit of understanding of the history of race in this country would have known better than to place such an incendiary image on the cover of a sports magazine. This is, in essence, a question of venue. If Time Magazine places an image of a noose on its cover one can least expect quality reporting and an in-depth discussion of all the issues surrounding the noose and the comments and whatever else. When Golkweek places an image of a noose on its cover all it does is trivialize a potent symbol of violence and hate for the purpose of selling a couple magazines. It would be akin to Motor Trend running a story about Nazi death camps with a picture of a gas chamber on the cover. Sometimes the forum just doesn’t fit the discussion. Dave Seanor should have known that. Obviously he didn’t.

Finally, Matthew Kowald of Pardeeville, Wisconsin, was arrested last Monday and jailed until Wednesday for taping a Green Bay Packers jersey to his 7-year-old son during their victory over the Seattle Seahawks the day before. Kowald was apparently upset when the kid refused to root for his father’s team and decided he could fix that quite easily. The local district attorney admitted there is no law against a parent restraining a child, and she could find no evidence of emotional damage, thereby making it impossible to file felony charges in the case. So Kowald’s punishment was limited to the two days he spent in jail and a $186 fine. I think the moral of this story is that as strange as it may seem, football fans can get a little crazy at times. That’s why they call them fans. It’s short for fanatic. Let’s just be glad he couldn’t find the staple gun.

The Devil Made Me Do It

At this point last week 18 inches of snow was melting in 65 degree January weather, flooding parts of this city. Tomorrow morning I’m going to have to shovel my way out my garage. Somebody give me one good reason to live in the Midwest.

Congratulations to the Patriots, Packers, Chargers and Giants. The experts got at least two - if not three of this weekend’s games wrong. The Kool-Aid ran out on the geniuses predicting a Jacksonville upset of the still perfect New England Patriots. Despite the loss of all three marque offensive players, San Diego strolled into Indianapolis and walked away with their first playoff victory in over a decade. Because of this, and a sluggish Dallas offense, the “wrong” Manning will advance to the Conference Championship game next Sunday. And, in the first playoff snowstorm in Lambeau Field history, Brett Favre tossed touchdowns and snowballs at his receivers in a 22-points clobbering of the previously formidable Seattle Seahawks. I’m not going to make any predictions, but I can tell you one Packer fan’s dream Superbowl scenario. Patriots and Packers meet in a rematch of 1997, the game goes down to the wire, Favre tosses the game winning touchdown with no time left on the clock, his teammates carry him and the trophy off the field on their shoulders and once Favre reaches the parking lot, he drives off into the Arizona sunset a football legend, never to return to the game.

We covered both Iowa and New Hampshire last week, so we won’t revisit them tonight. On the docket this Tuesday is the Michigan primary. In the past the Michigan primary has been largely irrelevant. This year, Democrats decided to change that and disregarding warnings from party leadership, moved the date of their primary up to challenge Iowa and New Hampshire. So this time, during this most important of elections, Michigan’s Democratic primary will mean... absolutely nothing. So congratulations on making Michigan matter to nobody. It’s sad because there are issues significant to the state - and many parts of the country that simply aren’t covered by Iowa and New Hampshire. But, at least one side of that debate will not be recognized thanks to political brinkmanship gone bad. Despite this, the governor is still encouraging citizens to go out and cast their votes tomorrow - for “uncommitted” if the candidate they favor does not appear on the ballot. It’s 26 degrees in Michigan. Nobody’s coming out to vote for “uncommitted”.

This past week there has been some kind of brew ha ha over what Bill & Hillary Clinton may or may not have said about Barack Obama and one Dr. King, and what that says about the state of race relations in this country. I’ve listened to the entire context of the quotes being thrown around and honestly, the facts of the stories are much ado about nothing. But the stories themselves are dangerous to what has so far been a well run and remarkably cordial Democratic campaign. Part of the reason Barack Obama has performed so well in this primary campaign is that he - and his opponents - have avoided making race an issue. In the past, black candidates have insisted on emphasizing their blackness and succeeded in accomplishing nothing but hard feelings. Non-hispanic whites comprise greater than 70% of the population of this country, and for whatever reason, they do not like to talk about race. The subject makes them uncomfortable, and causes them to tune out. If this race becomes about black and white and oppression and reconciliation, Obama can pack his bags and hop a train back to Chicago. The strength of his campaign is that he makes people feel like people - not white people or black people, just people. Deviation from that message will put a premature end to this run at history.

While on the subject of race and politics, some interesting documents were injected into the political debate courtesy of Ron Paul. Maybe. Newsletters published under Ron Paul’s name in the late 1980s and 1990s contain many disparaging remarks about Jews, homosexuals and African Americans. One newsletter from June of 1992, following the Rodney King-related Los Angeles riots, reports that, “order was only restored in L.A. when it came time for the blacks to pick up their welfare checks. Ron Paul has (wisely) distanced himself from the letters, claiming he did not write any of the articles, has “no idea” who did, and has never even read said articles. Must have been the OTHER Ron Paul, Republican congressman from Texas. Now I don’t like to judge people based on things that may or may not have taken place 16 years ago, but someone in Ron Paul’s position needs to be aware of what is being published in his name. If you didn’t issue these newsletters, you should have determined who did and taken steps to prevent them from damaging your reputation. But if you did publish comments of that nature, well, I guess it doesn’t really matter. No one takes you seriously anyway.

In perhaps the most bizarre story of the week, police in Tyler, Texas have charged a 25-year-old man with capital murder after finding his girlfriend’s ear boiling in a pot on his stove with a fork stuck in a piece of her flesh on a plate at the crime scene. It is unclear at this time whether or not the suspect actually consumed any of his girlfriend, but once one has killed and boiled someone else, what difference does it make whether one eats them or not. The damage has already been done. Now, I know some of you might be thinking “what the devil would cause someone to murder, dismember and possibly cannibalize a loved one?” Well, according to the murderer himself, God told him to do it. That’s right, the Creator of the Universe came to him in the middle of the night and said (in a deep, booming, Creator-of-the-Universe voice), “Christopher! Rise from thy slumber, slay thine girlfriend and cook her liver with some fava beans!” A suggestion to prison officials who will enjoy the company of this idiot until the State of Texas can stick the needle in his arm: hide the Bibles and stock up on the lithium. This one’s a real piece of work.

Golf Channel anchor Kelly Tilghman was suspended for two weeks for comments she made regarding the legendary Tiger Woods. The offending phrase was uttered during banter with her co-host Nick Faldo at the Mercedes Benz Championship. In reference to how young golfers might challenge a dominant Woods, Faldo said, “To take Tiger on, well yeah, they should just gang up for a while...”, to which Tilghman interrupted with a chuckle, “Lynch him in a back alley.” (For anyone who doesn’t know, the suggestion of lynching does not sit well with black people.) Almost before the words left her mouth people were calling for Ms. Tilghman’s job and threatening to boycott and picket the Golf Channel until that happens. To her credit, Tilghman immediately fell on her sword and apologized profusely to anyone who would listen - including Tiger Woods. And Tiger subsequently released a statement through his agent confirming the he and Tilghman have been friends for a long time, did not perceive any ill intent in her comments, and considers the remark a non-issue. But that’s not good enough for some folks, who are still demanding her job. I don’t know Kelly Tilghman from the Kelly Bluebook. She may be the sweetest person ever to walk a golf course, I don’t know. But I have to question why the first words that came to her mind in that situation were “lynch him in a back alley”. I think that probably says something about Ms. Tilghman that perhaps she needs to examine. But the slight - intentional or not - was directed specifically at Woods, and if he says the case is closed, then the case is closed. The moral of this story? There are far too many channels on cable television. Come on, the Golf Channel? Seriously? What's next, a Food Network? Television specifically for women?

The Dumbass of the Week award goes to one Adam “Pacman” Jones. You may remember his as the NFL player suspended from the league for repeated altercations with the law - usually taking place in strip clubs. Well, the Pacman is gobbling up some more trouble as he was charged this past week with assaulting a woman - guess where - in a strip club. This guy just doesn’t learn. He does not, cannot, and will not get it. All he has to do is stay out of trouble. It’s not that difficult. Some people manage to leave their whole lives without making a complete fool/felon out of themselves. If you ever find yourself in a strip club, and you happen to see the Pacman wandering in your direction, leave. Immediately. Run - don't walk - to the nearest exit. Nothing good can come from mixing this clown and and naked women. It can only end in tears.

Finally, while we’re discussing nudity, a 26-year-old female high school gym teacher in Coraopolis, Pennsylvania was charged with sending nude pictures of herself and sexually suggestive cell phone messages to a 14-year-old male freshman at her school. The teacher, (who is married of course), sent three pictures of herself (two of them in her birthday suit) by cell phone to the kid, who replied with a risque picture of his own. She is currently being held on $50,000 bond awaiting her preliminary hearing. High school has changed a little since I last attended. The only thing I ever received from a high school teacher - attractive or not, was a grade. There was never any exchange of nudie pictures over the telnet system in the computer lab. I’m pretty sure that sort of thing would never have been tolerated. But, I’m 31 years old. Obviously I’m out of touch with modern teaching methods. What better way to get an adolescent to remember that the capital of Djibouti is Djibouti, than to send him a naked picture of yourself, right? Can’t believe none of my teachers never thought of that.

Movin' On Up

What a difference a day makes. At bed time last night Barack Obama led Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire polls by somewhere between 9-13 percent. At bedtime tonight, it appears as though Hillary Clinton has defeated Barack Obama in the New Hampshire primary by two points. Oh, and John McCain rolled over Mitt Romney by five. But we’ll pay attention to that race once - if - it starts to get interesting.

So, keeping in mind that a small homogenous northeastern state may or may not accurately reflect the views of the rest of the country, what did we learn from the New Hampshire primary?

Number one; pollsters are idiots. Now we’ve known this for at least eight years, but every so often it sneaks up on us and bites us in the ass. There’s a lot of empty space between a 13-point victory and a two-point loss. Space that these jokers are desperately trying to fill with explanations of just what the hell happened Tuesday night. Opinion polls are not supposed to have a 15-point margin of error.

Number two; white people - at least in New Hampshire - MAY NOT be willing to vote for a black man. The afore-mentioned 15-point margin of error can be accounted for in some combination of the following three ways. Pollsters are idiots, 15% of primary voters made up their minds instantly – all for the same candidate, or, voters lie. My money’s on option three. It wouldn’t be the first time people said one thing in answer to an opinion poll yet voted the opposite, especially in relation to a black candidate. Tennessee Democratic Congressman Harold Ford Jr. entered election night 2006 a few points ahead of his rival, yet finished the evening several points behind. Why people feel the need to lie about their opinions in a randomly sampled completely anonymous poll is beyond my understanding. I can only guess that it somehow makes them feel special to hear themselves explain to a faceless, often automated voice how open-minded and enlightened they are. Then, once they’ve done their good deed for the day, they go vote the way they truly feel, then repeat the same lie to the moron taking the exit poll. You might think that highly educated, broad-minded, “independent” electorate such as New Hampshire claims to be wouldn’t feel the need to play this sort of game with themselves. Apparently, you ‘d be wrong.

Number three; I was completely and utterly wrong when I said that voters – especially women – did not want a candidate who would break down and cry under fairly friendly questioning. That is exactly what New Hampshire voters wanted. They ate it up. They decided it made her look human, in touch with the feelings of working mothers and emotional people everywhere. Can’t you just see bin Laden in his cave in Pakistan rolling around on the floor laughing hysterically at the video of that interview on YouTube? “Seriously? They wanna send the weeper after me?” Note to Obama and Edwards; learn to cry on cue.

Number four; political pundits have short memories. Last night, every single talking head predicted a thumping of senator Clinton, effectively killing her campaign and sweep up Obama in a wave of momentum which he would ride all the way to the nomination by the end of “Super-Tuesday” on February 5. Tonight, the heads have declared Clinton to be the Energizer Bunny of the Democratic Party; able to leap tall black men and slow-talking Southerners in a single bound on her way to the Presidency. If you don’t like the way the wind’s blowing in D.C., wait a minute.

Finally, could somebody please put Bill Clinton back in his travel crate and send him home? Enough of this guy already! After eight years as president and eight more years globe-trotting with the former President Bush, it’s about time for this guy to go gently into that goodnight. Get him a cheeseburger, handcuff him to a couple interns, stuff a cigar in his pocket and send him on his way. His time has come and gone. Bill Clinton is the past, not the future.

Off To The Races

Two consecutive Monday nights without football. Yeah, the withdrawal’s kicking in, big time. The January thunderstorms and tornadoes aren’t helping either.

I know it is both the Monday after the Iowa caucuses and the Monday before the New Hampshire primary, but I’m going to sneak in a couple quick football hits – and a hockey hit – first.

The Redskins were dramatically overrated; the Titans desperately need an offense, the Bucs never recovered from getting the last two weeks off and the Jaguars are for real. Note to Cowboys fans, Tony Romo just returned from a vacation with Jessica Simpson. Get your popcorn ready.

On New Year’s Day NBC broadcast the second (not quite) annual outdoor hockey game between the Buffalo Sabers and the Pittsburgh Penguins at Ralph Wilson Stadium in Buffalo. Heck of a game! Rain, sleet, snow, wind and 75,000 screaming fans in a football stadium soaking up the greatest game on earth. Best hockey viewing experience I’ve had since the last outdoor game three years ago. (Yes, I am intentionally disregarding the loses of both the Oilers and the Flames in the Stanley Cup Finals.) I don’t care what it takes; the NHL has got to make this a tradition. How about Toronto and Detroit next year, or Montreal vs. Boston? I love it already.

On to the subject on everyone’s lips. Last Thursday night former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee and Illinois senator Barack Obama left the competition in the dust at the Iowa caucuses. Spurred on by a record 80% increase in democratic turnout, Obama defeated senators Edwards and Clinton by eight and nine points respectively, while Huckabee (whom my spell-checker insists I refer to as Mike Chickadee) did nearly as well against former governor Mitt Romney. By the time this blog is posted the polls will open in New Hampshire with Obama cruising with a double-digit lead and McCain with a slight edge over Romney.

So, with the understanding that a tiny, homogeneous mid-western state may not accurately represent the views of the country at large, what did we learn from the first official week of the 2008 election cycle?

Number one, white people WILL vote for a black man. If there was ever any doubt – and there was considerable doubt – Iowa Democrats proved that at least to them, blackness does not disqualify Barack Obama from the race for the nomination. Whether that sentiment is national or not remains to be seen. But if he can continue to draw the kind of broad-ranging support he’s getting now, (defeating senator Clinton in every major demographic with voters under 65), it’s hard to see this train derailing any time before it docks at the convention.

Number two; John Edwards is in a bit of doo doo. He has spent every waking moment since his defeat in the 2004 election campaigning in Iowa. Despite all that, the best he could muster was an eight point second place finish to a guy six people had heard of three years ago. He focused his entire effort in Iowa ignoring the rest of the country, and as a result trails the front-runner by double digits in almost every remaining state. It seems like a guy who ran for Vice President just four years ago should have done better with his core voters than Edwards has.

Number three; money might not solve every problem. Part time bass player and former heavyweight southern minister Mike Huckabee laid a six point Hammer of God down upon the fast talking, cash burning, broad smiling Ken doll Mitt Romney, despite being out spent nearly $20 million to $680,000. That is insane! That is like the Kansas City Royals defeating the New York Yankees for the World Series. Yeah, I’ll bet you didn’t even know Kansas City still had a baseball team. I reckon that’s about how Mitt Romney feels right about now. When you spend 20 million dollars you expect to get something for your money. All Romney got was embarrassed and a ticket to New Hampshire to watch the whole thing happen to him all over again. Much of Huckabee’s success in Iowa can be credited to evangelical Christians, many of whom Romney felt he could convince to support him. Apparently – at least in Iowa – the term evangelical Christian does not include Mormons.

Number four; senator Clinton’s display of “emotion” during a televised response to a question Monday morning does nothing for her already damaged image. It’s hard enough to be a woman playing a man’s game without breaking down and sobbing on camera. When people said they wanted to see your softer side, that is not what they meant.

Finally, IF Obamamania continues in the manner in which it is taking place right now – and there is no guarantee it will - we could be witnessing the birth of the most incredible political phenomenon since John Kennedy ran for president in 1960. Forget Bill Clinton, forget Ronald Reagan, (try not to remember Jimmy Carter and Richard Nixon), Barack Obama has the potential to be the greatest American political icon of the past 50 years – and maybe 50 years to come. That may sound like a gross overstatement, but think about what an Obama presidency would represent. He would become America’s first black president, first bi-racial president, second youngest president since Kennedy and the greatest orator since Martin Luther King. And if you don’t think the latter is important, consider the linguistic disaster currently inhabiting (inhibiting) the oval office.

I’m old enough to understand that regardless of how strong your political convictions, there’s only so much you can do once you get to Washington and butt heads with Congress and the special interests and Wall Street and the courts, so policy specifics no longer concern me. What I want in a president is someone who will represent the America in which I live and the America in which I aspire to live. I want a president who will not embarrass me in front of the world by forgetting the names of the honored guests at his own peace conference. I want a president who can correctly pronounce three – and even four syllable words. A president who can clearly articulate a thought without mentioning 911, or attempting to frighten me into submission. A president who never has to warn those nearby not to touch the hair for fear of catastrophic collapse. I’d like a president who allows me the luxury of pride in this nation and its people. But what do I know. I’m Canadian, I can’t vote.

Does the name Amy fisher ring a bell? You might remember her from such headlines as “Long Island Teenager Shoots Lover’s Wife in the Face,” and “Buttafuoco’s Babe Tries to Murder Wife.” Well, the former “Long Island Lolita” has decided to join her husband (not Buttafuoco) in promoting a sex tape the two of them made prior to filing for divorce, and then subsequently reconciling. Renown for her strong moral ethic, Fisher decided to take a six-figure payout rather than sue to have the tape pulled from the Internet. Only in America can you shoot someone in the face, then take a six-figure to allow people to watch you get sh… well… I should probably stop here.

Finally, in a stroke of utter childhood genius, a 10-year-old Mexican boy glued himself to his bed to avoid having to return to school following Christmas vacation. Diego told news reporters that he thought if he was glued to the bed, his mother couldn’t make him go to school. And really, give Diego some credit. He didn’t mess around with faking the flu; setting all the clocks back seven hours, burning the house down or any of those other lame excuses other kids use to stay home from school. He went straight for the industrial strength shoe glue. You’ve got to love the initiative. Unfortunately for Diego, paramedics were able to dissolve the adhesive and send his sorry butt off to school anyway a mere two hours late. So, let that be a lesson to all the kids out there. If you’re going to glue yourself to the bed to avoid going to school, use better glue. I recommend high-grade construction adhesive. Something that will keep you at home AT LEAST until after lunch.

They Are Who We Thought They Were!

Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2008 is better to you than 2007 was. My resolution this year is to get myself a snow blower – just as soon as I can dig the car out from under the thirty inches of snow to get to the store.

Congratulations to the New England Patriots on the first undefeated NFL regular season since 1972. An average of 34 million people tuned in Saturday night to watch the Patriots make history and, surprisingly, were treated to one heck of a football game along the way. And kudos to the New York Giants for respecting the game of football enough to give New England a run for its money. In a game that meant absolutely nothing to the already playoff-bound Giants, and against the “expert” advice of nearly every single football talking head, each and every player came out and played like they were playing for the championship. The Patriots etched their names into football lore with the victory, but the Giants made them earn every minute of it. As true as this statement can be in a game where someone has to win and someone has to lose, there were no losers Saturday night.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again, right? Well, for Pakistani militants the second time was a charm. Last Thursday they succeeded in assassinating former Pakistani prime minister Benazir Bhutto less than two weeks before the scheduled presidential elections in which she was to take part. Bhutto was leaving a political rally, waving to supporters through the sunroof of her bulletproof SUV when three shots were heard in the crowd, followed by the explosion of a suicide bomber. Witnesses report that one or more of the shots hit Bhutto in the head or neck and she slumped atop the vehicle before the explosion hit. Days of violent protests have followed and current president Musharraf has decided to delay the elections for at least a month. The moral of this story is, don’t stick your head out of the sunroof of a bulletproof SUV. If you happen to be riding in a bulletproof vehicle, there’s probably a reason for that – perhaps that someone is tying to SHOOT YOU! Leaving the safety of the vehicle makes their job real easy.

What is it about voting that makes people lose their minds? According to Kenyan government officials, 148 people have been murders and 75,000 have been forced to leave their homes due to post-election violence that began four days ago. International relief agencies put those numbers much higher. Like Rwanda and Sudan before, this violence appears to be ethnically motivated – the tribe of the election loser hacking it out with the tribe of the election winner. It’s hard to accept that this sort of thing still takes place in a more or less civilized world. But it should also help us realized how fortunate we are to live in a place where the worst thing that happens to you when you when your guy loses an election is that you get a little ribbing from the guy in the adjacent cubicle the next morning at work.

For the second time in two weeks the media seems to have been surprised by the appearance of Christian religious symbols and messages in the campaign ads of former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee. The first came in the form of a cross in an ad released just prior to Christmas, and the latest comes in the form of an ichthys on a background banner featured prominently in a pro-life commercial. I guess what baffles me is why everyone is so surprised. What part of conservative southern Baptist minister did you people not understand? Allow me to make this as simple as I possibly can. Mike Huckabee is a conservative Christian. Vote for him or don’t vote for him. But don’t feign surprise at who he is.

For those of you paying attention, the Iowa caucuses take place this coming Thursday. The most recent polling data indicates the leading
Democratic candidates are still locked in a statistical dead heat, while support for Republicans Romney and Huckabee is virtually even, with Thompson, McCain and Giuliani trail significantly. And, in a classic example of hope winning out over common sense, Ron Paul continues to poll at almost ten percent. While I am no fan of the current caucus/primary system, I am glad the process is finally underway. We can’t get it over with until we start it. So during the next couple weeks we will eliminate the jokers (sorry Paul, Kucinich), and by early February we will know if America is ready to watch a Mormon, or a Baptist, or a black man or a woman duke it out for the presidency. My money’s on the mayor and the woman, but I would LOVE to be wrong on this one.

Finally, with no end in site to the writer’s strike, the late night comedians will return to the air this Wednesday night. While this can’t be good news for the striking writers, it is great news for the NBC network due to the fact that aside from Sunday night football, Leno and O’Brien are the only shows making them any money. However, there is some question as to how good the shows will be without writers? My guess is that if they bomb, the studios will cave and the strike will be over sooner rather than later. But if people go back to watching them like nothing ever happened, we could be in for a spring filled with videos rebroadcast from YouTube and Dancing With the Stars knock-offs. Oh the humanity! If it gets to that point I’ll just stick needles in my eyes and throw bricks through my television. Oh wait, I have satellite. Never mind, I’ll be fine.

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

I hate winter. More accurately, I hate shoveling snow. Who will rid me of this troublesome snow? Hopefully the same person who will bring me some interesting news stories. What a dry week.

Why do we play? Help me out Herm Edwards. We play to win the game. Apparently, Baltimore Ravens coach Brian Billick didn’t get the memo. That, or he just crumpled it up and threw it away. With 12 seconds left, the ball on the opponent’s one foot line, the clock stopped and no time outs, Billick elected to kick the game tying field goal instead of taking a shot at the end zone to try to win the game outright. Couple this with the Ravens inexplicable failure to center the ball between the hash marks for a Matt Stover field goal which could have redeemed them (had he not missed it just wide left) their opponent, the abysmal Miami Dolphins - who until yesterday had won a grand total of zero games all year long - proceeded to capture their first victory on a 63 yard pass from their psychic citrus quarterback Cleo Lemon to some guy named Greg in the ensuing overtime period. I was convinced that a Ravens defense led by the indomitable Ray Lewis simply had too much pride to allow themselves to be defeated by a team as dismal as the Dolphins - especially after coming to within three feet of defeating what may turn out to be the greatest football team in history two weeks ago. But I guess all the defensive pride in the world is useless if your coach and your offense don’t share it. So can we finally please stop hearing how much of an offensive genius Brian Billick is? An offensive genius would play to win the game. If you play not to lose, you certainly don’t deserve to win.

Note to Dallas Cowboys pretty boy Tony Romo, leave your girlfriends at home. Especially if her name is Jessica Simpson. I don’t want to make this into something it’s not, but there’s no denying the simple fact the two games to which Romo has brought his flavor of the month (previously American Idolette Carrie Underwood) have been two of worst games of his career. I understand that the whole point of being a superstar is to get the hot chicks, but you just can’t bring them to work. You don’t see Tom Brady bringing his supermodel girlfriend to Patriot games, do you? The moral of this story, blondes are bad for business.

In a sports related story, former senator George Mitchell released a report four years in the making on the subject of steroids in professional baseball. The report lists 90 current and former players - including the likes of New York Yankees pitchers Roger Clements and Andy Pettitte - and provides evidence of the purchase and use of performance enhancing drugs by said players. Of course, now that the report is out, the league, the owners and the union are all rushing to the first television camera they can find to explain to anyone who will listen how much of a travesty this is and how hard they are working to ensure the game is cleaned up, while the players’ lawyers all cued up behind one another to vehemently deny any wrongdoing. The problem with this report is that it comes about fifteen years too late. Since at least the early nineties everyone has at least suspected - if not known that steroids were rampant in baseball. But no one wanted to do anything about it. Why? To put it simply, “chicks dig the long ball.” Juiced up players crushing juiced up baseballs over the shorter fences of smaller ballparks were raking in money hand over fist. Testing players for performance enhancing substances would have lowered the rate of their use, which would have decrease the rate of offensive production and cut into revenues. And baseball simply couldn’t allow a little thing like substance abuse get in the way of profits. So they continued to ignore the issue until Congress threatened to revoke their anti-trust immunity if they didn’t at least pretend to address it. Ironically, Major League Baseball’s failure to address steroids sooner seems to have worked to their advantage. Things have been rumored and suspected for so long that now that an official “truth” has been revealed - nobody cares. Baseball players cheat, ho hum, tell us something we didn’t know. It’s sad that we seem to be at the point where we accept cheating as just another part of the game, but I guess on some level, we get exactly what we deserve.

The State of New Jersey has voted to eliminate capital punishment and replace it with life in prison without the possibility of parole. This is really something of a symbolic gesture as New Jersey has not executed anyone since 1963. But the interesting angle to this story is that one of the death row inmates who’s sentences were commuted happens to be the monster who raped and murdered 7-year-old Megan Kanka - the 1994 crime that inspired “Megan’s Law”. It’s difficult for me to know what to make of this story. On the one hand, I am no proponent of capital punishment. Too many things can go wrong in the judicial process to attempt to exact such a final punishment, and the state should not be in the business of murdering people. But on the other hand, people who murder 7-year-old kids do not deserve the courtesies we typically extend to civilized human beings. Fortunately it isn’t something we’ll have to give much thought to as this creep will expire in prison.

In an unrelated Garden State story, in a scene straight out of the Shawshank Redemption, two inmates escaped the Union County Jail over the weekend leaving behind dummies in their beds, posters of bikini-clad women covering their escape routes and a note wishing the prison authorities a happy holidays. However, Union County officials aren’t laughing. Maybe they just lack a sense of humor. Maybe they’re just a little upset that they were taken in by the old hole-behind-the-poster trick.

Finally, both the Democratic and Republican presidential candidates held their final debates before the Iowa caucuses. I didn’t watch either of them, (thankfully) so I can’t say whether or not anything came of them, but if I were to hazard a guess I’d say they were completely useless. However, there have been some interesting shifts in the poll numbers. Obama and Huckabee are up, Clinton and Romney are down, and for some reason people continue to give money to Ron Paul. If people (Ron Paul supporters) are really that desperate to throw away their money, there’s a large green trash bin out in front of my house specifically designed to receive large bills. It’ll be there ‘till New Year’s Day. I also take cheques. And money orders.

...Or Your Money Back

I don’t know if anyone’s noticed, but there’s some guy in Dallas named Romo who thinks he’s some guy in Boston named Brady. He may have terrible taste in blondes, but I’m sure those victories taste pretty good. I much as I hate to admit it, Tony Romo and his Dallas Cowboys have proven at least three times this season that great players and great teams just find ways to win. Of course, the Detroit Lions deserve a little credit too – for artfully snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. After playing what could have been the second best 58 minutes of football they’ve played al season, the inability of the Lions to gain one final first down, kick a 40+ yard field goal, recover a fumble dropped in their laps and prevent Dallas from traversing the length of the field to in the final minute to beat them by a single point was absolutely astounding. Despite earlier indications to the contrary, it is pretty evident now that these are the same old Lions.

After two consecutive weeks of hanging on by their fingernails, the still perfect New England Patriots stepped up and laid the smack down on a tough Pittsburg Steelers team in a statement to the entire league that they are still running this show. After guaranteeing a victory earlier in the week, Steelers back-up safety Anthony Smith guaranteed himself a spot in Randy Moss and Jabar Gaffney’s highlight reels, getting beaten for touchdowns on at least three different plays. Remember when the sports guarantee used to mean something? Like ‘Broadway’ Joe Namath guaranteeing a victory in Superbowl III – and delivering one. Like Babe Ruth pointing to left field, then crushing the ball into the cheap seats for a home run. Now guarantees are made by guys named Smith who no one’s ever heard of and who can’t deliver the goods. How I long for the good old days.

If you want to see a grown man cry, keep an eye (and maybe a video camera) on the Man-genius on the New York sideline this Sunday when the Jets putter into Foxboro, only to be shoveled out with the snow drifts three hours later. I’d be willing to bet the coach won’t be the only Jet with icicles forming on his face after Brady puts up 70 points on them. They’ll be wishing they were back in Miami.

In a football related story, former Atlanta Falcons quarterback and admitted canine killer Michael Vick was sentenced today to 23 months in prison for his roll in an illegal dog-fighting ring. Vick appeared in court chewing gum and wearing what he may have mistaken for a referee’s uniform, displaying no emotion as the judge read his pronouncement. So, for almost the next two years, Vick and his cohorts will spend their time inside the cages, while the dogs patrol outside. I think there may be a little justice there somewhere.

Mitt Romney gave what has been referred to as his “John Kennedy” speech on religion in politics last week. According to numerous opinion polls, there is a significant portion of the electorate unwilling to vote for a Mormon president based solely on the fact he or she is a Mormon. Being a Mormon, Romney felt the need to address this fact in an attempt calm those voters fearing the unknown of a Mormon presidency. So, former governor Romney stood before a small crowd at the George H.W. Bush Presidential Library and explained that he is a man of faith (Mormon faith), his faith has shaped his values, and his values will determine his actions as president, not his faith. Which shaped his values. The speech was surprisingly well received. I say surprisingly because I’m not sure what we know about Mitt Romney now that we didn’t know before he spoke. But apparently the act of a politician simply getting up in front of a bunch of people and telling them exactly what they already know is enough to swing a few votes in the candidate’s favor. Who says you can’t get something for nothing?

Late last week the CIA admitted they had destroyed videotapes they had made of the interrogations of several terrorism suspects. Word is that said videotapes contain footage of the suspects being subjected to “enhanced” interrogation techniques – including the controversial practice of waterboarding. CIA director Michael Hayden said that the tapes were destroyed because they no longer held any intelligence value, were not relevant to any investigation, and the agency needed to protect the identities of the interrogators. Unfortunately for the agency, at least one and probably two of those statements are in dispute. Apparently the CIA is unfamiliar with the “Classified” designation, and I guess that with this administration, “relevant” is and entirely subjective term. Hayden also suggested another reason the proceedings were recorded in the first place was to provide evidence that the interrogations were being conducted lawfully, in accordance with newly authorized guidelines. If that were the case, why would the agency destroy the only physical evidence supporting that claim?

The Supreme Court ruled today by a 7-2 majority that Federal Sentencing Guidelines – at least in reference to narcotics crimes – are just that, guideline. Trial court judges are allowed the discretion to hand down sentences greater or less than those spelled out in the guidelines. This may seem like a no-brainer due to the fact that the Federal Sentencing Guidelines are not the Federal Sentencing Mandates, but this has been a big deal for many years. This case comes from the disparity in sentencing for crack cocaine users versus powder cocaine users. Despite the fact that both addicts use different derivatives of the same drug, the smokers received much more time in prison than the snorters. It also just so happens that most convicted smokers happen to be black, while most convicted snorters happen to be white. So the smokers sued to receive the same sentences as the snorters. I think the smokers might have been better served if they had chosen to, oh, I don’t know, STOP SMOKING CRACK! But I guess equal jail time will have to suffice.

A nineteen-year-old loser took his automatic rifle shopping with him to an Omaha, Nebraska mall last week and killed eight people before turning the gun on himself. His suicide note left the impression he was upset and depressed over being kicked out of his parents’ house, dumped by his girlfriend, and fired from his job at McDonalds. Great, now every time some kid asks me if I want fries with that I have to look over his shoulder for the AK-47. I’m sorry, but this whole murder-suicide thing is getting old. If your life is SO terrible, SO awful that you feel to just HAVE to end it, then PLEASE, kill yourself FIRST, THEN, if you still feel you must, shoot some other people.

In a bizarre – if not obscure story out of Syracuse, New York, about a dozen high school girls, ages 11 to 14 took naked pictures of themselves with their cell phones and sent them to their boyfriends, who of course promptly posted them on the Internet. One of these boys is 17-year-old honor student Michael Wixson, and because he is 17 he has been charged with distributing nude pictures of underage girls. Now maybe I’m old school, but why do 11 year olds even have camera phones, never mind why they feel it is perfectly acceptable to take naked pictures of themselves and send them to people! I’m sure it has something to parenting – or the obvious lack thereof, but I’ll try not to speculate. More importantly, when did kids begin to skip childhood completely and proceed straight to being an adult? Eleven year olds should be throwing snowballs and skateboarding and complaining about having to take piano lessons, not flashing their wares on YouTube and the like. Nudity is for adults, people! Not children! To borrow some words of wisdom from a great animated American, there is a time and a place for everything. It’s called college. If 20-year-old women want to take naked pictures of themselves with their camera phones and send them to people, fine, more power to you. Heck, send them to me if you want. Seriously. Send them. But can we please just let children be children for a while? I have never heard anyone say “you know what, I wish I could have grown up so much faster than I did.”

Finally, in case you thought you had seen everything, the hot new item in death this year is the digital tombstone. That’s right, you can select your favorite headstone design from the manufacturer’s catalog – or design your own if you’re feeling creative, and built into the monument you will receive a weatherproof full color LCD screen activated via infrared sensor displaying audio and video of whatever portion of your life story you or your loved ones choose to include. So now, even when you are gone, you’re never really gone. Am I the only one who finds this more than a little disturbing? Didn’t get your 15 minutes of fame while you were alive? No problem, film something special and make the six o’clock after you’re dead. Don’t like that crazy annoying uncle, record yourself cutting him out of the will and play it at your grave forever and ever. I think there is something to be said for being dead and gone. Everybody dies. Don’t digitally haunt everyone once you’ve moved on.

Conspiracy I Tell You. A c-o-n... spiracy.

Ah Monday. A little overtime at work, a little homemade spaghetti sauce, a little more football on television. It’s almost like I have a real life.

Football first. Who kidnapped the New England Patriots? Someone please explain to me how a team can be so utterly dominant through ten games, and so average through the next two?

Anyway, the goat of the week goes to Hall of Fame coach Joe Gibbs. With four seconds left in the game and his team leading by two, Gibbs called a timeout to ice Buffalo place kicker Rian Lindell prior to his 51 yard game-winning attempt. Then, right before Lindell laced into his do-over, Gibbs called timeout again. Only one problem. You can’t call consecutive timeouts. It’s illegal. Against the rules. Can’t do it. And everybody know that. Everyone - except Joe Gibbs. With the week the Washington Redskins had, they really needed some good news. And for a coaching legend to lose the game on a rookie mistake just says all you need to know about the kind of season Washington is having.

Co-goat of the week goes to last year’s coach of the year, Sean Payton. With his Saints in control of the ball and a three point lead with three minutes to play, Payton inexplicably called a bone-headed flea-flicker running-back pitch wide-receiver reverse kinda something, which was subsequently fumbled and turned into the winning touchdown for the opposing Buccaneers. I simply can’t believe that was the best play Payton could find on his little laminated sheet. It’s bad enough losing to a bunch of pirates. But to go out on a play that should never even have been called is again, all you need to know about the kind of season the Saints are having.

In a welcome reversal of fortune, Sudaneese president Omar al-Bashir has pardoned British schoolteacher Gillian Gibbons and sent her on her way back to England. Gibbons originally ran afoul of local law when she allowed the class she was teaching to name a teddy bear after the prophet Mohammed. Ms. Gibbons is said to be in high spirits and wishes to remain in Sudan and continue teaching. Well, Ms. Gibbons is obviously a little crazy. Less than a week ago, angry men waving swords in the streets were calling for her to be executed. Take the job and shove it Ms. Gibbons. You have a free ticket out of one of the most dysfunctional countries in the world. Take it and run.

In report released today, U.S. Intelligence admitted that Iran is not currently attempting to build nuclear weapons, and hasn’t been since 2003. This is decidedly different from what the administration and every like-minded presidential candidate has been contending since the “Axis of Evil” speech. The administration was quick to add however, that Iran could restart the program at any time and must still be considered a threat. I think I’m feeling a little deja vu. I’d swear there was some other country the administration declared to be a weapons of mass destruction clear and present danger - until it was discovered it was not a clear and present danger, and the rational became they could at some point be a clear and present danger - oh, and they’re really bad guys too. At least we got this one straightened out before we went in with guns blazing.

International superstar and all around good-looking guy Brad Pitt has announced that he will donate 5 million dollars of his own money to finance the construction of 150 homes in New Orleans devastated 9th Ward. Kudos to Brad - and to all the others who have put their names and money on the line to help rebuild one of America’s great cities. This could also be an opportunity for Pitt to raise a little additional money for his rebuilding effort. Even thought he is now firmly planted in middle age at 43 years old, I believe there are still many women - and maybe even some men (paging Larry Craig?) who might exchange a small donation for the opportunity to pound some nails, wire some sockets and fit some pipes with a shirtless, rippling muscle-bound Mr. Angelina Jolie. He could turn it into some sort of reality show. Build It with Brad. Bigger and Better with Brad. Brad’s Bayou Bungalows. Help me out here.

Former pretend district attorney turned presidential candidate Fred Thompson is apparently tired of hearing that he’s not religiously expressive enough to capture the Republican nomination. In an interview with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer (does anyone believe that is his real name?), Thompson responded to those accusations saying, “I’m okay with the Lord, and the Lord is okay with me as far as I can tell.” Now while all of this may be true, and the Lord may very well be “okay” with Fred, I’m a little disturbed by the dogged determination of the Republican candidates to out-disciple one another. There seems to be serious a competition between several - if not most of them to determine which is most pious and deserving of the support of the faithful. The Pharisees would be so proud.

Rumor has it that it is now Tuesday. I can neither confirm nor deny this, but it does feel like I’ve been at work for about a week already.

The Baltimore Ravens played a game for the ages against the best team in football last night - and lost. But instead of taking it like men, they’re whining like little children. Whining doesn’t suit men like Ray Lewis. It makes them look stupid. This isn’t Superbowl XL. There were no phantom holding calls, no goalline touchdowns that weren’t, no cut blocks that weren’t blocks at all. The officials didn’t force the Ravens coaches to call timeout when they shouldn’t have. The officials didn’t hold Patriots receivers in the endzone. The officials didn’t force the Ravens to throw the penalty flags into the stands, or prevent them from gaining a single first down when it mattered in the fourth quarter. The Ravens did all those things. And it cost them the game. But if Baltimore had been playing all year the way they played last night, they wouldn’t be at the bottom of their division and in the midst of a lost season. Quit whining and play football.

At an arena in Pennsylvania over the weekend fans got more than their money’s worth when the Zamboni cleaning the ice suddenly burst into flame and subsequently exploded. Imagine that. You go to a hockey game and an action movie breaks out. Somebody call Gary Bettman. Tell him we may have found a way to get Americans to watch the NHL. Promise a little pyro at the end of the second intermission during every game and in no time league viewership should at least be equal to that of celebrity poker. At least.

Researchers in Japan have discovered that human beings may very well be dumb as rocks. In their experiment, Ayumu the chimp engaged 12 volunteer college students in multiple tests of memory - and whooped them all. In fact, Ayumu correctly recalled the number sequences approximately 80% of the time, while the college students maxed-out at between 30 and 50%. That’s right. In the grand tradition of squirrels that waterski and chickens that play tic-tac-toe, the animal kingdom has once again discovered something it can do better than we can. No word on how much alcohol was consumed by the human test subjects prior to the memory exercises. But it does raise an interesting point. The next time someone tells you a trained monkey could do something, they’re probably right.

Finally, the National Football League has selected Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers to host this year’s Superbowl Halftime Show. Now I realize that I’m one of the six people in the entire country who actually watches the Superbowl for the football and not the commercials, but this halftime show business is getting ridiculous. Seriously, is there no one under the age of 60 capable of strapping on a guitar, cranking up an amplifier and entertaining anyone not buying a six dollar beer or waiting in line for the bathroom? Anybody? How many people in the coveted 18-35 year old male demographic actually know who - or what a Tom Petty is? Don’t get me wrong, I like Tom Petty. You Wreck Me, Mary Jane’s Last Dance, all that great stuff. Nothing wrong with the jolly old geezers. But is it too much to ask to get someone who hasn’t had a hip replacement? Apparently the league is still terrified of another “wardrobe malfunction.” (You may have noticed that no female performer has been allowed near a live broadcast since February 2004.) But wouldn’t you rather risk the wardrobe malfunction than be stuck with guys who fall out of coconut trees and snort their father’s ashes? Looks like another year of the Puppy Bowl at half time. Hmm. Wonder if I can sneak the Lingerie Bowl onto the satellite bill this year.

Skeletons in the Closet?

What do you want in a Presidential candidate? Political Experience? Leadership? Good looks, nice hair, a well tailored suit perhaps? How about honesty? Is honesty truly important in a candidate? Think about it carefully before you answer, because what people say and what they really believe are apparently two different things.

Consider the following. In his book “The Audacity of Hope,” as well as several speaking engagements, Senator Barack Obama admits that there was a time in his life when he engaged in some unwise behavior – in particular, his high school experimentation with alcohol and drugs. He has also stated, in no uncertain terms, that his drug use was a mistake of his youth and certainly something he is not proud of. Some people might call such disclosure honesty from a politician. Others, like former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney call that “unwise.”

According to governor Romney, “in order to leave the best possible example for our kids, (why is everything about the kids?) we’re probably not wisest to talk about our own indiscretions in great detail.” These words of wisdom contain a couple, oh, let’s call them errors, but one overarching truth.

First, simply stating that one has used drugs and alcohol does not constitute a description in “great detail.” For a description of drug use in great detail, rent Trainspotting or Pulp Fiction.

Second, kids may be a lot things, but they are not stupid. They may act stupid, they may do stupid things and they might make stupid decisions, but they are not stupid. They know a phony when they see one. Do you think there was one kid in America who believed Bill Clinton when he made the asinine statement that he tried marijuana but didn’t inhale? Everybody knows he inhaled – probably more than once – on multiple occasions. Do you think there was one high school or college kid in America who believed Bill Clinton when he said he did not have sex with that woman? We certainly were HOPING that the President of the United States of America could do better than Monica Lewinsky, but we all KNEW better. Nothing damages your credibility with kids more than telling them something is one way, then having them find out later on that it isn’t. We defer to soldiers in discussions of military tactics, we defer to physicians in discussions of medicine, why would we not assign greater credibility to someone who has defeated the demons of drugs and alcohol when discussing their harmful effects with children?

Those two minor details aside, the implication of Romney’s statement is absolutely correct. He is well aware of one simple fact. The voting public is extremely uncomfortable with the idea of an honest candidate. It simply doesn’t make any sense. If a candidate were truly honest, why would he or she need a team of handlers and public relations personnel to control his or her image in the media? It doesn’t matter how revealing a candidate is, people will always assume that there is a deeper, darker, dirtier secret tucked away in their closet. We don’t want the truth about our elected officials straight from the source, we want it from the breathless CNN reporter live on the scene with the hastily prepared notes, the producer breaking in on the earpiece, and the stupid quote from the wacky neighbor. We don’t want honesty. We want scandal. Because it doesn’t feel like the truth unless we “discover” it for ourselves. Then - and only then – after we have outed them and shamed them and demanded they repent their sins and throw themselves on the mercy of the public, then we inform them that this entire charade could have been avoided if they had just been honest with everyone to begin with. “If only he had just come out and told everyone that he tried drugs in high school, realized they were dangerous and never touched them again we would have understood and not penalized him for it.” Right?

I don’t have an explanation for the gotcha culture we so gleefully embrace. Nor and I gullible enough to believe that in most cases, honesty from a politician is anything more than an attempt to cover his or her butt from any future scandal. But every now and then it is refreshing to run across a candidate who is unafraid to discuss at least a portion of his past most others would be too afraid to confront. Someone who feels that sometimes more information, presented in context, really is better than less. I think I know who’s America I’d rather live in.

Aliens in America

I hope everyone is finished with the turkey hangovers and well into the Christmas spirit. Lord knows the retailers are. Of course they’ve been jingling the bells since the day after Halloween. Why can’t we just focus on one holiday at a time - preferably in chronological order?

The Dumbass of the Week award goes - without question - to Denver Broncos punter and kickoff “specialist” Todd Sauerbrun. Not only did he waste a considerable amount of videotape and ink trash talking the greatest kick returner in the history of football, he actually displayed the hubris to kick him the ball! Not once, but twice! Both of which (one punt and one kick-off) were promptly returned for touchdowns. And as if sounding stupid and feeling stupid weren’t bad enough, Sauerbrun also made himself look ridiculous being hurdled by Hester on one return and juked out of his shoes in a feeble attempt to make a tackle on the other. Oh, and did I mention he also had a punt blocked? I’m not sure what he was thinking when he did those things - or if he was thinking at all, but one thing is for certain, Todd Sauerbrun ain’t no Josh Brown.

The city of San Francisco has banned the use of plastic grocery bags within the city limits. The city council has decided plastic bags take up too much room in landfills, damage the environment, and are just too darn convenient for its socially enlightened citizens. There is no word as yet on how this will affect the ability of the city’s homeless to collect the bottles and cans to return for the deposits. However, baggers will now be required to ask customers, “will that be paper or six acne-ridden teenaged boys to carry your seventeen paper bags up the three-hundred foot, sixty-degree incline to your apartment?”

According to a CNN report, ankle deep snowdrifts are sparking spontaneous snowball fights in parts of Texas. I realize CNN is a fairly reputable news organization, but that report is completely false. There is no such thing as an ankle deep snowdrift. Ankle deep snowfall, perhaps. But ankle deep snowdrifts do not exist. A snowdrift requires a considerable volume of snow - at least enough to build up into something resembling a mound or hill. A mound the size of ones ankle can be considered little more than a rut. Apparently the snowdrifts are the only things that are not bigger in Texas.

Doctors discovered this morning that Vice President Cheney suffers from an irregular heartbeat stemming from atrial fibrillation. I didn’t realize androids had atriums. It may be time to bring the real Cheney out of the bunker for a second round of cloning.

Authorities in the Netherlands arrested Joran van der Sloot for the millionth time Monday and shipped him back to Aruba, where he and Kalpoe brothers Deepak and Satish face charges of “involvement in the voluntary manslaughter of Natalee Holloway, or causing serious bodily harm to Natalee Holloway, resulting in her death.” Though we’ve been down this road before, and a body has yet to be found, Aruban authorities believe they may now have enough evidence to finally put this case to rest. I hope they’re right. The fewer unsolved disappearances of pretty white women, the better off the rest of us will be.

This coming Wednesday, CNN will waste everybody’s evening yet again with another YouTube debate – this time with the Republican candidates. The first time this happened viewers were treated to video after webcam video of yahoos donning costumes and stupid hats, and singing or acting out the same lame questions every debate moderator has asked since Kennedy made Nixon look like a stiff sweaty used car salesman in 1960. (Why is it that if you give someone a webcam they will immediately make an idiot of themselves) Then to top it off, we were told that this worthless pile of crap was great, and fantastic and the wave of the future. I can’t wait for round two. Seriously. Let’s hurry up and get this over with so I can go back to watching squirrels bury acorns in my front lawn.

State prosecutors have charged Dover, New Hampshire congressional candidate Gary Dodds of faking a car accident and disappearance in April in order to gain publicity for his 2006 Congressional campaign. After a 24 hour large scale search, Dodds was found with what his lawyer described as a concussion, situational amnesia, severe frostbite and nerve damage.” How terrible is your campaign that the best idea you can come up with is to careen into oncoming traffic, slither away from the wreckage and hide out in the woods for a day in what must have been inappropriate clothing? On second thought, maybe that’s why your campaign went so poorly.

Puerto Rican beauty queen Ingrid Marie Rivera won the right to represent her island at the 2008 Miss Universe pageant, despite first having her gowns stolen, then later having her make-up and collection of new evening gowns coated with pepper spray. Sorta lends a whole new meaning to the term “spicy Latina woman.” I know, bad joke, I’m sorry. Apparently people confused this beauty contest with an episode of the Jerry Springer Show. Take a step back people. It’s women in hideous one-piece swimsuits, strutting around in heels and praying for world peace. Not Survivor Puerto Rico.

Finally, in what may be the best Associated Press story of the week, the state of New Mexico has kicked off a new tourism campaign featuring “drooling, grotesque office workers from outer space chatting about their personal lives.” In an oblique reference to New Mexico’s world - and perhaps galaxy famous Roswell incident of 1947, the space alien conversations all lead back to the tag line that New Mexico might be “the best place in the universe.” Never having been there I can neither confirm nor deny the truth of that statement, but that is one seriously funny ad campaign. Of course, like all good advertisements, these have their detractors. Critics say the ads reduce the standards of the state and fail to feature the things New Mexico is known for. Okay, what is New Mexico known for? I have no idea. Colorado has skiing; Arizona has the Grand Canyon, Nevada has casinos, California has the ocean, Utah has Mormons, and New Mexico has... aliens, right? It seems like almost everything one could find in New Mexico could be found in any of the surrounding states. So in order to differentiate from the neighbors, you have to pick something that makes you unique and play that up. And if that something just happens to be aliens, then so be it. Perhaps the particular type of alien needs revision - a little less like Starship Troopers, a little more like ALF. But they came a REALLY long way to visit, and they didn’t stop off in the Napa Valley, or at a golf course in Flagstaff, or drop fifty large at the MGM Grand. They came to New Mexico damn it! A desert in the middle of a desert! Embrace it. It’s your heritage. As weird and freaky as that may be.

Gobble Gobble

I’m going to try something new tonight. Writing the blog while watching the game. What could possibly go wrong? (I’ve already spelled seven words wrong.)

If any of you Pop Warner kids out there want to see how a running back is supposed to make a block, get a tape (or some sort of digital media recording) of Jacksonville / San Diego game Sunday afternoon and watch Maurice Jones-Drew’s block of Shawne Merriman - over and over again. Jones-Drew, who gives up 9 inches and 64 pounds to Merriman, stood his ground, stuck his helmet into the linebacker’s chest, and laid Merriman flat on his butt, allowing his quarterback to get off a hastle-free lob to the end-zone for a touchdown. Pound for pound, in all the football games I’ve watched, I have never seen a better block. Never.

Another football note, who said professional athletes are only in it for the money. In what may have been a touchdown-saving tackle, Seattle kicker Josh Brown ran several yards with the greatest kick-returner in the history of the NFL, took a wicked stiff-arm to the face, hung on for dear life and dragged him to the turf with a thud audible in the press box. He’s a kicker, he does not get paid to do that. No one would have blamed him if he had ran screaming like a little girl from the trail of scorched and blazing earth in Devin Hester’s wake. But he decided he wanted to be a real football player and go out a make a tackle. Then, as if that enough, Brown pops up off the ground like a pogo stick and starts flexing his guns and pointing to the name on the back of his jersey. One step at a time Josh. Make two tackles, then you can flex. Oh, by the way, a field goal try passing through the uprights is good, regardless of where the ball eventually ends up, and the New England Patriots blew out another CFL team on their way to an undefeated season. Ho hum, just another day at the office.

Michael Vick (remember him?) turned himself in to U.S. Marshals today to begin serving whatever sentence he will receive from the federal judge on December 10th of this year. He is reportedly most likely facing 18 to 24 months in jail for his illegal gambling and dogfighting activities. During his stay there’s a pretty good chance Vick will run into a few dogs - only this time he’ll find himself on the wrong end of the leash.

After alluding the next edition of his sorry excuse for a television show would feature A-list celebrity talent, reports indicate “The Donald” could round up no better than the likes of Stephen “yes I’m also a” Baldwin and Gene “the Tongue” Simmons. Is anyone surprised by this? Why would anyone with a real career subject themselves to being berated week in and week out by two hundred pounds of hot air and hair gel? What could an appearance on “The Apprentice possibly do for them, make them famous?

In the first of the two most ridiculous stories of the week, pop tarts everywhere can barely contain their excitement over the upcoming reunion tour of the British girls groups the Spice Girls. If anyone ever needed justification for the Revolutionary War, there it is.

And in stupid story number two, a 35 year-old Tampa Florida man hung on to a 12-foot statue of Disney’s “Hannah Montana” for six days in order to win tickets to a concert of the statue’s namesake. Yes, you read correctly, 35 year-old man, six days, “Hannah Montana”. Call me overly sensitive, but I think there might be something a little creepy about a middle-aged man taking six days off of work to hug a statue of a 14 year-old girl for some free tickets. Sounds like the kind of guy you may want to keep an eye on if you see him getting a little too cozy with the half-naked mannequins in Victoria’s Secret. Couple this with the scalping of “Hannah Montana” tickets for upwards of a thousand dollars, and the lawsuit filed against the “Hannah Montana Fan Club” for promising first crack at concert tickets, then not providing first crack at concert tickets, and it adds up to the biggest parental pain in the ass since Furby and Tickle Me Elmo. At least you could take the batteries out of Elmo.

In an interview with CNN’s Larry King, the perpetually angry Fred Goldman vowed to pursue and hold Simpson accountable for his son’s death, and continue to do so until Simpson’s death. I used to feel bad for Fred Goldman. I think O.J. hired better lawyers than were employed by the State of California and was able to escape justice. But in the years following the trial, since his victory in civil court, Fred Goldman has made it his life’s obsession to make O.J.’s life a living hell. While I support his right to be a thorn in O.J.’s side, there comes a point where you have to let the past be the past and get on with your life. And for whatever reason, Goldman seems to be unable to do this. Every breath he takes, every cent he makes is spent plotting O.J.’s misery, and that’s no way for anyone to live. When you dedicate you whole life to someone else - whether you intend to or not - you not only give them power over you, you risk losing your identity. O.J. has Fred Goldman wrapped around his finger, and Goldman is well on his way to losing his identity to Simpson - if he hasn’t done so already.

Taking a page from the Republican political playbook, the Senate Democrats have effectively blocked President Bush from making any recess appointments during the Thanksgiving recess by taking a non-recess recess. For the next two weeks, a couple (or fewer) senators will show up at the Capitol and essentially do nothing. How this differs from a regular session of Congress I don’t know, but it apparently enough to prevent the President from simply doing whatever he pleases. Strange, isn’t it. After all the attempts by the House and Senate to pass legislation and change direction, all they had to do was not show up to work. Take a vacation, solve your problems. Doesn’t get any better than that. Not sure that would go over too well at my job.

In a story of mainly local interest, the once proud Fighting Irish of Notre Dame football team has won all of two games this season. The Irish desperately need a victory over the Stanford Cardinals this coming weekend to avoid the worst season in school history. Charlie Weis’ third year as head coach has been an unmitigated disaster, with the program now the laughing stock of the NCAA. Despite the best efforts of some, you can’t blame the black man (read Tyrone Willingham) for this one. If Michigan coach Lloyd Carr can be forced out after an 8 and 4 season, what should a 2 and 10 season earn Charlie Weis?

Finally, in the spirit of Thanksgiving (sort of), five live turkeys were left at a Taco Bell drive-thru in California this morning. Non one has yet claimed responsibility for the turkey delivery, but the birds - one of which may have been injured - attempted to make the best of being stranded at the drive-thru by waving to passing vehicles and smiling for pictures. Word is they were just happy not to have been dropped of at a Subway or a Quiznos. Sort of takes the “Eat Fresh” moto to a whole new level, doesn’t it.

Forty Days and Forty Nights

Let’s kick of this week in review with a nod to all our veterans. Yesterday was the celebration of Veteran’s Day here in the United States (Sunday was Remembrance Day in Canada), and I’d like to salute everyone who has spent time in military service to his or her country. Protecting a nation’s ideals and sovereignty is a difficult, dangerous and often thankless job that many people would not and/or could not do. Thank you for your sacrifice. Stay safe.

Can somebody tell me where Brett Favre is hiding his time machine? I’ve got some lottery numbers I’d like to play. At 38 years old, Favre is playing with the speed, vitality and enthusiasm of a man ten years younger. In a sport dominated by youth he somehow manages to look like he belongs. The very same sportscasters who were calling for his job at this time last season now find themselves stumbling over one another to be first in line to congratulate him on what may turn out to be the best season of his career. If Mr. Bundchen – I mean Tom Brady, sorry – were not on pace to throw 60 touchdowns and go undefeated this season, all the talk would be about how many candles would be able to fit on Favre’s MVP cake. Seems like it might just be true that for some people, you are only as old as you feel.

Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones has decided to plead no contest to conspiracy to commit disorderly conduct in relation to a shooting at a Las Vegas strip club in which a bouncer was paralyzed. In exchange for his plea Mr. Jones will accept one year suspended sentence, submission to anger management courses and 200 hours of community service. Hopefully the Pacman will be required to gobble up the anger management portion of his plea agreement before he tackles the community service. Can’t wait to see him “make it rain” while spearing trash off the sidewalk on the Strip on his off days.

Former NBA star – and cartoon character Dennis Rodman (remember him?) has expressed a desire to coach women’s basketball. Affectionately known during his playing days as “the Worm”, the former Piston, Spur, Bull and husband of one Carmen Electra believes he has the experience and basketball knowledge to be of benefit to a WNBA team. In his defense, despite all of his well-recorded antics, Rodman was a competent offensive player in his early years, and a defensive juggernaut later on. He might actually know something about the game. I’m just worried the wedding dress, feather boas and swirl-dyed hair will clash with the snazzy team uniforms.

22,000 Seattle area residents lost power yesterday as 90 mph wind gusts hit Peugeot Sound. When did the Pacific Northwest become Florida? Now my wife will never want to visit.

Over 50’000 gallons of crude oil have seeped into San Francisco Bay blackening beaches and killing birds after a tanker struck an abutment of the San Oakland/Oakland Bay bridge. Yeah, does anyone think that some type of intoxicant was NOT involved in this mishap? It’s a bridge people! It’s freakin' HUGE! You really can’t miss it. Except that you did.

In case you haven’t heard, the Southeastern United States is in the midst of a terrible drought. Some estimates have concluded that if the lack of rain continues, the reservoir supplying Atlanta with drinking water could be dry within four to five months. And Georgia governor Sonny Perdue is tired of waiting around for something to happen. He has decided to appeal to a higher power. The governor has requested that every member of the legislature join him in praying for rain to end the drought. This modern day Elisha has drawn the ire of local atheists who claim his call to prayer violates the Establishment Clause of the U.S. Constitution. There’s an old country song I think the atheists need to listen to. Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em. Know when to walk away, know when to run. You don’t have to fight every single battle. Not praying isn’t producing any results. So let the Governor pray for rain. You can continue to do nothing if you wish, or heck, do a little rain dance if it’ll make you feel batter. If the prayers go up and no rain comes down, maybe the Man Upstairs would prefer to see Atlanta shrivel up and wilt under the Georgia sun. If the prayers go up and the rain comes down, maybe He just wants you people to shut up.

Union stagehands in New York City walked off the job early this week, leaving Broadway dark and empty. First of all, the stagehands have a Union? Really? And second, when did we become France? Why don’t we just decide on two weeks every two years where everyone goes on strike and get it over with? Part of the reason this country actually functions is because we generally don’t have to worry about arriving at the subway station to find “Out of Order” signs taped to the doors of the cars. Let’s be honest about a couple things. In many – if not most cases, union workers occupy largely “unskilled” positions. It may be hard work, but it doesn’t take a college degree to tighten down the engine mounts in Chevy Malibu on the assembly line. And the reason grocery store clerks don’t bring in $80,000 a year is that there are hundreds of thousands – if not millions of people who could do that job. So union employees cannot expect to receive wages and benefits on par with those with more advanced skills and education. On the other hand, corporations like Wal-Mart, Safeway, General Motors and the like need to realize that the reason they are able to rake in ridiculous profits year after year is because they employ a large group of hard working individuals – now more productive than ever – who often sacrifice time with their families to put in the hours required to make the company a success. Without them, multi-billion dollar corporations would be mere shells of themselves. Both sides of these disputes need to get over themselves and learn how to reach fair and mutually beneficial agreements so we can avoid these strikes in the first place.

In a futile attempt to upstage the record spending Mitt Romney, Republican Congressman and Presidential candidate Tom Tancredo has produced a television ad depicting a man in a hooded sweatshirt walking through a shopping mall to the sound of a ticking clock with a bomb in a backpack, leaving it under a bench to explode as the picture fades to black. The white lettered words; “Tancredo …before it’s too late” are then displayed on the screen. Now Tancredo is a single-issue candidate (illegal immigration) with a snowball’s chance in the seventh level of hell of being elected, so in the grand scheme of things this ad is largely irrelevant. But this phenomenon isn’t limited to Tancredo, and if it isn’t the politics of fear, I don’t know what is. I may be Canadian, but I’m not an idiot. I know the threat of terrorism is real and this country needs to take measures to protect ourselves from those who would do us harm. But I refuse to live every day of my life in a perpetual state shear hysterical terror of being blown up at a mall by a guy in a hooded sweatshirt. Why does it seem like every single Republican candidate is desperately trying to frighten people into voting for them?

On the lighter side of the news, researchers at Rush University have released a study saying that women with wider hips are smarter than women with narrower hips. I’m not going to touch this one – except to say that thinking back to my high school graduating class, there might be something to this.

Finally, scientists have decided to genetically engineer super mice. Said mice can run continuously at high rates of speed for up to five hours, consume 60% more food without gaining weight, breed three times longer than regular mice, and – here’s the clincher – lack the gene which makes them afraid of cats. This can only end in tears. What possible practical purpose can this research serve? Why not just breed giant spiders with Nikes and eight pairs of night vision goggles? Do we have a problem with hordes of stray cats roaming the streets terrorizing neighborhood dogs that we need to sic mighty mice on them? Will researchers now be forced to carry giant concealed cheese wedges to protect themselves from mice that have bent the bars of their cages and made a dash for freedom? Can you imagine the mousetraps we’re going to need in order to catch these things when they inevitably escape from the laboratory? There must be something more useful – and less "Tales From the Darkside" we can train mice to do.