Conspiracy I Tell You. A c-o-n... spiracy.

Ah Monday. A little overtime at work, a little homemade spaghetti sauce, a little more football on television. It’s almost like I have a real life.

Football first. Who kidnapped the New England Patriots? Someone please explain to me how a team can be so utterly dominant through ten games, and so average through the next two?

Anyway, the goat of the week goes to Hall of Fame coach Joe Gibbs. With four seconds left in the game and his team leading by two, Gibbs called a timeout to ice Buffalo place kicker Rian Lindell prior to his 51 yard game-winning attempt. Then, right before Lindell laced into his do-over, Gibbs called timeout again. Only one problem. You can’t call consecutive timeouts. It’s illegal. Against the rules. Can’t do it. And everybody know that. Everyone - except Joe Gibbs. With the week the Washington Redskins had, they really needed some good news. And for a coaching legend to lose the game on a rookie mistake just says all you need to know about the kind of season Washington is having.

Co-goat of the week goes to last year’s coach of the year, Sean Payton. With his Saints in control of the ball and a three point lead with three minutes to play, Payton inexplicably called a bone-headed flea-flicker running-back pitch wide-receiver reverse kinda something, which was subsequently fumbled and turned into the winning touchdown for the opposing Buccaneers. I simply can’t believe that was the best play Payton could find on his little laminated sheet. It’s bad enough losing to a bunch of pirates. But to go out on a play that should never even have been called is again, all you need to know about the kind of season the Saints are having.

In a welcome reversal of fortune, Sudaneese president Omar al-Bashir has pardoned British schoolteacher Gillian Gibbons and sent her on her way back to England. Gibbons originally ran afoul of local law when she allowed the class she was teaching to name a teddy bear after the prophet Mohammed. Ms. Gibbons is said to be in high spirits and wishes to remain in Sudan and continue teaching. Well, Ms. Gibbons is obviously a little crazy. Less than a week ago, angry men waving swords in the streets were calling for her to be executed. Take the job and shove it Ms. Gibbons. You have a free ticket out of one of the most dysfunctional countries in the world. Take it and run.

In report released today, U.S. Intelligence admitted that Iran is not currently attempting to build nuclear weapons, and hasn’t been since 2003. This is decidedly different from what the administration and every like-minded presidential candidate has been contending since the “Axis of Evil” speech. The administration was quick to add however, that Iran could restart the program at any time and must still be considered a threat. I think I’m feeling a little deja vu. I’d swear there was some other country the administration declared to be a weapons of mass destruction clear and present danger - until it was discovered it was not a clear and present danger, and the rational became they could at some point be a clear and present danger - oh, and they’re really bad guys too. At least we got this one straightened out before we went in with guns blazing.

International superstar and all around good-looking guy Brad Pitt has announced that he will donate 5 million dollars of his own money to finance the construction of 150 homes in New Orleans devastated 9th Ward. Kudos to Brad - and to all the others who have put their names and money on the line to help rebuild one of America’s great cities. This could also be an opportunity for Pitt to raise a little additional money for his rebuilding effort. Even thought he is now firmly planted in middle age at 43 years old, I believe there are still many women - and maybe even some men (paging Larry Craig?) who might exchange a small donation for the opportunity to pound some nails, wire some sockets and fit some pipes with a shirtless, rippling muscle-bound Mr. Angelina Jolie. He could turn it into some sort of reality show. Build It with Brad. Bigger and Better with Brad. Brad’s Bayou Bungalows. Help me out here.

Former pretend district attorney turned presidential candidate Fred Thompson is apparently tired of hearing that he’s not religiously expressive enough to capture the Republican nomination. In an interview with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer (does anyone believe that is his real name?), Thompson responded to those accusations saying, “I’m okay with the Lord, and the Lord is okay with me as far as I can tell.” Now while all of this may be true, and the Lord may very well be “okay” with Fred, I’m a little disturbed by the dogged determination of the Republican candidates to out-disciple one another. There seems to be serious a competition between several - if not most of them to determine which is most pious and deserving of the support of the faithful. The Pharisees would be so proud.

Rumor has it that it is now Tuesday. I can neither confirm nor deny this, but it does feel like I’ve been at work for about a week already.

The Baltimore Ravens played a game for the ages against the best team in football last night - and lost. But instead of taking it like men, they’re whining like little children. Whining doesn’t suit men like Ray Lewis. It makes them look stupid. This isn’t Superbowl XL. There were no phantom holding calls, no goalline touchdowns that weren’t, no cut blocks that weren’t blocks at all. The officials didn’t force the Ravens coaches to call timeout when they shouldn’t have. The officials didn’t hold Patriots receivers in the endzone. The officials didn’t force the Ravens to throw the penalty flags into the stands, or prevent them from gaining a single first down when it mattered in the fourth quarter. The Ravens did all those things. And it cost them the game. But if Baltimore had been playing all year the way they played last night, they wouldn’t be at the bottom of their division and in the midst of a lost season. Quit whining and play football.

At an arena in Pennsylvania over the weekend fans got more than their money’s worth when the Zamboni cleaning the ice suddenly burst into flame and subsequently exploded. Imagine that. You go to a hockey game and an action movie breaks out. Somebody call Gary Bettman. Tell him we may have found a way to get Americans to watch the NHL. Promise a little pyro at the end of the second intermission during every game and in no time league viewership should at least be equal to that of celebrity poker. At least.

Researchers in Japan have discovered that human beings may very well be dumb as rocks. In their experiment, Ayumu the chimp engaged 12 volunteer college students in multiple tests of memory - and whooped them all. In fact, Ayumu correctly recalled the number sequences approximately 80% of the time, while the college students maxed-out at between 30 and 50%. That’s right. In the grand tradition of squirrels that waterski and chickens that play tic-tac-toe, the animal kingdom has once again discovered something it can do better than we can. No word on how much alcohol was consumed by the human test subjects prior to the memory exercises. But it does raise an interesting point. The next time someone tells you a trained monkey could do something, they’re probably right.

Finally, the National Football League has selected Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers to host this year’s Superbowl Halftime Show. Now I realize that I’m one of the six people in the entire country who actually watches the Superbowl for the football and not the commercials, but this halftime show business is getting ridiculous. Seriously, is there no one under the age of 60 capable of strapping on a guitar, cranking up an amplifier and entertaining anyone not buying a six dollar beer or waiting in line for the bathroom? Anybody? How many people in the coveted 18-35 year old male demographic actually know who - or what a Tom Petty is? Don’t get me wrong, I like Tom Petty. You Wreck Me, Mary Jane’s Last Dance, all that great stuff. Nothing wrong with the jolly old geezers. But is it too much to ask to get someone who hasn’t had a hip replacement? Apparently the league is still terrified of another “wardrobe malfunction.” (You may have noticed that no female performer has been allowed near a live broadcast since February 2004.) But wouldn’t you rather risk the wardrobe malfunction than be stuck with guys who fall out of coconut trees and snort their father’s ashes? Looks like another year of the Puppy Bowl at half time. Hmm. Wonder if I can sneak the Lingerie Bowl onto the satellite bill this year.