...Or Your Money Back

I don’t know if anyone’s noticed, but there’s some guy in Dallas named Romo who thinks he’s some guy in Boston named Brady. He may have terrible taste in blondes, but I’m sure those victories taste pretty good. I much as I hate to admit it, Tony Romo and his Dallas Cowboys have proven at least three times this season that great players and great teams just find ways to win. Of course, the Detroit Lions deserve a little credit too – for artfully snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. After playing what could have been the second best 58 minutes of football they’ve played al season, the inability of the Lions to gain one final first down, kick a 40+ yard field goal, recover a fumble dropped in their laps and prevent Dallas from traversing the length of the field to in the final minute to beat them by a single point was absolutely astounding. Despite earlier indications to the contrary, it is pretty evident now that these are the same old Lions.

After two consecutive weeks of hanging on by their fingernails, the still perfect New England Patriots stepped up and laid the smack down on a tough Pittsburg Steelers team in a statement to the entire league that they are still running this show. After guaranteeing a victory earlier in the week, Steelers back-up safety Anthony Smith guaranteed himself a spot in Randy Moss and Jabar Gaffney’s highlight reels, getting beaten for touchdowns on at least three different plays. Remember when the sports guarantee used to mean something? Like ‘Broadway’ Joe Namath guaranteeing a victory in Superbowl III – and delivering one. Like Babe Ruth pointing to left field, then crushing the ball into the cheap seats for a home run. Now guarantees are made by guys named Smith who no one’s ever heard of and who can’t deliver the goods. How I long for the good old days.

If you want to see a grown man cry, keep an eye (and maybe a video camera) on the Man-genius on the New York sideline this Sunday when the Jets putter into Foxboro, only to be shoveled out with the snow drifts three hours later. I’d be willing to bet the coach won’t be the only Jet with icicles forming on his face after Brady puts up 70 points on them. They’ll be wishing they were back in Miami.

In a football related story, former Atlanta Falcons quarterback and admitted canine killer Michael Vick was sentenced today to 23 months in prison for his roll in an illegal dog-fighting ring. Vick appeared in court chewing gum and wearing what he may have mistaken for a referee’s uniform, displaying no emotion as the judge read his pronouncement. So, for almost the next two years, Vick and his cohorts will spend their time inside the cages, while the dogs patrol outside. I think there may be a little justice there somewhere.

Mitt Romney gave what has been referred to as his “John Kennedy” speech on religion in politics last week. According to numerous opinion polls, there is a significant portion of the electorate unwilling to vote for a Mormon president based solely on the fact he or she is a Mormon. Being a Mormon, Romney felt the need to address this fact in an attempt calm those voters fearing the unknown of a Mormon presidency. So, former governor Romney stood before a small crowd at the George H.W. Bush Presidential Library and explained that he is a man of faith (Mormon faith), his faith has shaped his values, and his values will determine his actions as president, not his faith. Which shaped his values. The speech was surprisingly well received. I say surprisingly because I’m not sure what we know about Mitt Romney now that we didn’t know before he spoke. But apparently the act of a politician simply getting up in front of a bunch of people and telling them exactly what they already know is enough to swing a few votes in the candidate’s favor. Who says you can’t get something for nothing?

Late last week the CIA admitted they had destroyed videotapes they had made of the interrogations of several terrorism suspects. Word is that said videotapes contain footage of the suspects being subjected to “enhanced” interrogation techniques – including the controversial practice of waterboarding. CIA director Michael Hayden said that the tapes were destroyed because they no longer held any intelligence value, were not relevant to any investigation, and the agency needed to protect the identities of the interrogators. Unfortunately for the agency, at least one and probably two of those statements are in dispute. Apparently the CIA is unfamiliar with the “Classified” designation, and I guess that with this administration, “relevant” is and entirely subjective term. Hayden also suggested another reason the proceedings were recorded in the first place was to provide evidence that the interrogations were being conducted lawfully, in accordance with newly authorized guidelines. If that were the case, why would the agency destroy the only physical evidence supporting that claim?

The Supreme Court ruled today by a 7-2 majority that Federal Sentencing Guidelines – at least in reference to narcotics crimes – are just that, guideline. Trial court judges are allowed the discretion to hand down sentences greater or less than those spelled out in the guidelines. This may seem like a no-brainer due to the fact that the Federal Sentencing Guidelines are not the Federal Sentencing Mandates, but this has been a big deal for many years. This case comes from the disparity in sentencing for crack cocaine users versus powder cocaine users. Despite the fact that both addicts use different derivatives of the same drug, the smokers received much more time in prison than the snorters. It also just so happens that most convicted smokers happen to be black, while most convicted snorters happen to be white. So the smokers sued to receive the same sentences as the snorters. I think the smokers might have been better served if they had chosen to, oh, I don’t know, STOP SMOKING CRACK! But I guess equal jail time will have to suffice.

A nineteen-year-old loser took his automatic rifle shopping with him to an Omaha, Nebraska mall last week and killed eight people before turning the gun on himself. His suicide note left the impression he was upset and depressed over being kicked out of his parents’ house, dumped by his girlfriend, and fired from his job at McDonalds. Great, now every time some kid asks me if I want fries with that I have to look over his shoulder for the AK-47. I’m sorry, but this whole murder-suicide thing is getting old. If your life is SO terrible, SO awful that you feel to just HAVE to end it, then PLEASE, kill yourself FIRST, THEN, if you still feel you must, shoot some other people.

In a bizarre – if not obscure story out of Syracuse, New York, about a dozen high school girls, ages 11 to 14 took naked pictures of themselves with their cell phones and sent them to their boyfriends, who of course promptly posted them on the Internet. One of these boys is 17-year-old honor student Michael Wixson, and because he is 17 he has been charged with distributing nude pictures of underage girls. Now maybe I’m old school, but why do 11 year olds even have camera phones, never mind why they feel it is perfectly acceptable to take naked pictures of themselves and send them to people! I’m sure it has something to parenting – or the obvious lack thereof, but I’ll try not to speculate. More importantly, when did kids begin to skip childhood completely and proceed straight to being an adult? Eleven year olds should be throwing snowballs and skateboarding and complaining about having to take piano lessons, not flashing their wares on YouTube and the like. Nudity is for adults, people! Not children! To borrow some words of wisdom from a great animated American, there is a time and a place for everything. It’s called college. If 20-year-old women want to take naked pictures of themselves with their camera phones and send them to people, fine, more power to you. Heck, send them to me if you want. Seriously. Send them. But can we please just let children be children for a while? I have never heard anyone say “you know what, I wish I could have grown up so much faster than I did.”

Finally, in case you thought you had seen everything, the hot new item in death this year is the digital tombstone. That’s right, you can select your favorite headstone design from the manufacturer’s catalog – or design your own if you’re feeling creative, and built into the monument you will receive a weatherproof full color LCD screen activated via infrared sensor displaying audio and video of whatever portion of your life story you or your loved ones choose to include. So now, even when you are gone, you’re never really gone. Am I the only one who finds this more than a little disturbing? Didn’t get your 15 minutes of fame while you were alive? No problem, film something special and make the six o’clock after you’re dead. Don’t like that crazy annoying uncle, record yourself cutting him out of the will and play it at your grave forever and ever. I think there is something to be said for being dead and gone. Everybody dies. Don’t digitally haunt everyone once you’ve moved on.