Forty Days and Forty Nights

Let’s kick of this week in review with a nod to all our veterans. Yesterday was the celebration of Veteran’s Day here in the United States (Sunday was Remembrance Day in Canada), and I’d like to salute everyone who has spent time in military service to his or her country. Protecting a nation’s ideals and sovereignty is a difficult, dangerous and often thankless job that many people would not and/or could not do. Thank you for your sacrifice. Stay safe.

Can somebody tell me where Brett Favre is hiding his time machine? I’ve got some lottery numbers I’d like to play. At 38 years old, Favre is playing with the speed, vitality and enthusiasm of a man ten years younger. In a sport dominated by youth he somehow manages to look like he belongs. The very same sportscasters who were calling for his job at this time last season now find themselves stumbling over one another to be first in line to congratulate him on what may turn out to be the best season of his career. If Mr. Bundchen – I mean Tom Brady, sorry – were not on pace to throw 60 touchdowns and go undefeated this season, all the talk would be about how many candles would be able to fit on Favre’s MVP cake. Seems like it might just be true that for some people, you are only as old as you feel.

Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones has decided to plead no contest to conspiracy to commit disorderly conduct in relation to a shooting at a Las Vegas strip club in which a bouncer was paralyzed. In exchange for his plea Mr. Jones will accept one year suspended sentence, submission to anger management courses and 200 hours of community service. Hopefully the Pacman will be required to gobble up the anger management portion of his plea agreement before he tackles the community service. Can’t wait to see him “make it rain” while spearing trash off the sidewalk on the Strip on his off days.

Former NBA star – and cartoon character Dennis Rodman (remember him?) has expressed a desire to coach women’s basketball. Affectionately known during his playing days as “the Worm”, the former Piston, Spur, Bull and husband of one Carmen Electra believes he has the experience and basketball knowledge to be of benefit to a WNBA team. In his defense, despite all of his well-recorded antics, Rodman was a competent offensive player in his early years, and a defensive juggernaut later on. He might actually know something about the game. I’m just worried the wedding dress, feather boas and swirl-dyed hair will clash with the snazzy team uniforms.

22,000 Seattle area residents lost power yesterday as 90 mph wind gusts hit Peugeot Sound. When did the Pacific Northwest become Florida? Now my wife will never want to visit.

Over 50’000 gallons of crude oil have seeped into San Francisco Bay blackening beaches and killing birds after a tanker struck an abutment of the San Oakland/Oakland Bay bridge. Yeah, does anyone think that some type of intoxicant was NOT involved in this mishap? It’s a bridge people! It’s freakin' HUGE! You really can’t miss it. Except that you did.

In case you haven’t heard, the Southeastern United States is in the midst of a terrible drought. Some estimates have concluded that if the lack of rain continues, the reservoir supplying Atlanta with drinking water could be dry within four to five months. And Georgia governor Sonny Perdue is tired of waiting around for something to happen. He has decided to appeal to a higher power. The governor has requested that every member of the legislature join him in praying for rain to end the drought. This modern day Elisha has drawn the ire of local atheists who claim his call to prayer violates the Establishment Clause of the U.S. Constitution. There’s an old country song I think the atheists need to listen to. Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em. Know when to walk away, know when to run. You don’t have to fight every single battle. Not praying isn’t producing any results. So let the Governor pray for rain. You can continue to do nothing if you wish, or heck, do a little rain dance if it’ll make you feel batter. If the prayers go up and no rain comes down, maybe the Man Upstairs would prefer to see Atlanta shrivel up and wilt under the Georgia sun. If the prayers go up and the rain comes down, maybe He just wants you people to shut up.

Union stagehands in New York City walked off the job early this week, leaving Broadway dark and empty. First of all, the stagehands have a Union? Really? And second, when did we become France? Why don’t we just decide on two weeks every two years where everyone goes on strike and get it over with? Part of the reason this country actually functions is because we generally don’t have to worry about arriving at the subway station to find “Out of Order” signs taped to the doors of the cars. Let’s be honest about a couple things. In many – if not most cases, union workers occupy largely “unskilled” positions. It may be hard work, but it doesn’t take a college degree to tighten down the engine mounts in Chevy Malibu on the assembly line. And the reason grocery store clerks don’t bring in $80,000 a year is that there are hundreds of thousands – if not millions of people who could do that job. So union employees cannot expect to receive wages and benefits on par with those with more advanced skills and education. On the other hand, corporations like Wal-Mart, Safeway, General Motors and the like need to realize that the reason they are able to rake in ridiculous profits year after year is because they employ a large group of hard working individuals – now more productive than ever – who often sacrifice time with their families to put in the hours required to make the company a success. Without them, multi-billion dollar corporations would be mere shells of themselves. Both sides of these disputes need to get over themselves and learn how to reach fair and mutually beneficial agreements so we can avoid these strikes in the first place.

In a futile attempt to upstage the record spending Mitt Romney, Republican Congressman and Presidential candidate Tom Tancredo has produced a television ad depicting a man in a hooded sweatshirt walking through a shopping mall to the sound of a ticking clock with a bomb in a backpack, leaving it under a bench to explode as the picture fades to black. The white lettered words; “Tancredo …before it’s too late” are then displayed on the screen. Now Tancredo is a single-issue candidate (illegal immigration) with a snowball’s chance in the seventh level of hell of being elected, so in the grand scheme of things this ad is largely irrelevant. But this phenomenon isn’t limited to Tancredo, and if it isn’t the politics of fear, I don’t know what is. I may be Canadian, but I’m not an idiot. I know the threat of terrorism is real and this country needs to take measures to protect ourselves from those who would do us harm. But I refuse to live every day of my life in a perpetual state shear hysterical terror of being blown up at a mall by a guy in a hooded sweatshirt. Why does it seem like every single Republican candidate is desperately trying to frighten people into voting for them?

On the lighter side of the news, researchers at Rush University have released a study saying that women with wider hips are smarter than women with narrower hips. I’m not going to touch this one – except to say that thinking back to my high school graduating class, there might be something to this.

Finally, scientists have decided to genetically engineer super mice. Said mice can run continuously at high rates of speed for up to five hours, consume 60% more food without gaining weight, breed three times longer than regular mice, and – here’s the clincher – lack the gene which makes them afraid of cats. This can only end in tears. What possible practical purpose can this research serve? Why not just breed giant spiders with Nikes and eight pairs of night vision goggles? Do we have a problem with hordes of stray cats roaming the streets terrorizing neighborhood dogs that we need to sic mighty mice on them? Will researchers now be forced to carry giant concealed cheese wedges to protect themselves from mice that have bent the bars of their cages and made a dash for freedom? Can you imagine the mousetraps we’re going to need in order to catch these things when they inevitably escape from the laboratory? There must be something more useful – and less "Tales From the Darkside" we can train mice to do.