Look Ma, No Hands!

It’s that time again. You know, that special time of the week when you all drop what you’re doing, scramble to your computers and dial up this blog, eagerly awaiting each word I have so painstakingly written for the weekend wrap-up. Oh, sorry. Must have been daydreaming again. It’s only Monday.

In an absolutely stunning revelation this week, on par with the recent shocker that men prefer hot women to, well, not-so-hot women, studies released late last week show that dogs may have feelings. Well ain’t that some $#*!. Any human being half alive and not named Michael Vick knows dogs have feelings. That goes doubly so for anyone who has a dog for a pet. How many geeks in little white lab coats do we need telling us things we already know? And why are people continuously being paid to tell us what we already know? If you have to pay someone for useless information, pay me.

Former CBS news anchor and living news legend Dan Rather has decided to sue CBS for 70 million dollars over his resignation / dismissal following an ill-researched, ill-vetted, ill-advised story on president Bush’s National Guard service – or lack thereof. Sounds like Mr. Rather is looking to get paid. Maybe he should have listened to Mike Wallace when Mike told everyone at the network that would listen that 60 Minutes 2 was a bad idea. Wonder if CBS needs an intern?

Speaking of president Bush, in a speech last week cattle-prodding Congress to make his domestic spying alterations to the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act permanent, G.B. Jr. made a statement which sounded something like “nobody has to worry about the motivation of the government as it relates to domestic surveillance.” Hmm. Somebody might actually be tempted to take you seriously Mr. President if you didn’t insist on keeping everything you say and do a secret. I’m on some kind of watch list now, aren’t I?

The United Auto Workers Union declared a strike at all General Motors' factories around the country at 11:00 Monday morning after weeks of intense negotiations. What could possibly go wrong with this idea? I’m sure the American automakers – not to mention the state of Michigan – will welcome this development with open arms. Toyota doesn’t even have to compete anymore. They can just stand around and wait for the Big Three and the UAW to cannibalize each other. GM, Ford and Chrysler need to start building cars people want. And the union has to learn – hopefully sooner than later – what every non-union employee in America figured out a long time ago. There is no such thing as job security anymore.

This week's Darwin award goes to a group of idiots in the great swing state of Ohio. A blind man was killed in a single vehicle accident as a result of his friends allowing him to drive an ATV all by himself. Now, I’ve never driven an ATV, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that all terrain vehicles, and the terrain on which they are typically driven, are less than conducive to sightless driving. Yet somehow this man was able to talk several other human beings into letting him drive solo. With friends like those…

Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers was stunned to receive a response to his frivolous lawsuit last Thursday from none other than God himself – twice. Yes, Senator Chambers, an avowed agnostic (hmm, "I swear, I have no idea what I believe!"), had sued the Man Upstairs last week, seeking a permanent injunction against him for making terrorist threats, inspiring fear and causing “widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants.” But in His response, the Almighty indicated that Senator Chambers’ court lacked both the jurisdiction and the ability to serve Him with subpoena. These factors – along with the fact that it might be difficult, oh and silly to file a claim against someone you don’t believe exists – would seem to render the Senator’s lawsuit null and void. The Lord’s filling contained no contact information so he could not be reached for further comment, but it looks like the Alpha and Omega got the last laugh this time. Better luck next time Ernie. Try picking on someone your own size.

The once proud Fighting Irish of Notre Dame are 0 and 4 for the first time in school history. And somehow, by some magical, mystical, end of the rainbow formula, the local media is still convinced that it’s Tyrone Willingham’s fault. It’s not enough that he was unceremoniously fired between the final game of the season and the bowl game, they continue to blame the woes of the football team - three years removed mind you – on what he may or may not have done or looked like on the sideline, despite EVERYONE in the national media pointing out otherwise. That’s right South Bend, blame the black man. And some people wonder why great athletes of a certain ethnicity think twice about coming to school here.

The Canadian dollar reached an historic milestone last week. This past Friday marked the first time in more than 30 years that the affectionately yet stupidly named “loonie” achieved parity with the U.S. dollar. I realize this doesn’t seem like much. Mr. Washington has been so weak against so many currencies lately he might have to relinquish his spot on the bill to Richard Nixon. But the sole reason my parents moved to this country from Canada twelve years ago was because they couldn’t afford to pay my college tuition with the Canadian dollar worth only 60% of the U.S. dollar on a good day. So, if anyone is looking for some one to blame for my presence in this wonderful country, look for Mr. Washington in a wallet near you.

Finally, if anyone is considering becoming a vegan or vegetarian, but just needed a little nudge over the leafy green edge, Alicia Silverstone is now appearing nude in a PETA sponsored television commercial promoting vegetarianism. I’m throwing the chicken nuggets in the trash tonight! Now I know that may not mean anything to the youngsters nowadays, but back when I was growing up so many years ago, Alicia Silverstone was the stuff! Every teenage boy had a poster of either her or Alyssa Milano taped to the inside of their locker along with a folded piece of paper detailing how we would meet her on the set of a music video, fall in love and run away to live by the ocean in the mansion she bought with the money she made from Clueless. Seriously. It wasn’t just me. I know of at least three other people…