Zoom Zoom

Finally! No more freakin' baseball! That’s right folks, football season has arrived! Since this was opening weekend, and absolutely nothing else happened this weekend, this weekend’s wrap up might be a little football heavy. But that’s okay. Nothing wrong with that. Let’s get the other stuff out of the way first.

What’s a weekend without a little gay sex. After deciding he would not resign from office, then changing his mind and deciding he would, Senator Larry Craig has re-decided he may not resign from the Senate after all… maybe… depending on whether or not he can revoke the guilty plea he filed in Minnesota. A plea that he said he agreed to solely in the hopes the incident would go away. Seems like Larry’s got more waffles than a box of Eggos. His lawyer, Billy Martin, (who in some bizarre stroke of karma also happens to represent one Michael Vick) said that his client was not thinking clearly at the time of the incident, and that Craig’s plea was “not knowing and intelligent and therefore was in violation of his constitutional rights at the time of his arrest.” Hmm. So, while completely insane, Craig waived his right to an attorney and proceeded to plead guilty to a lesser charge in order to avoid having the somewhat embarrassing fact that he was soliciting sex in an airport bathroom from being publicly revealed in court. I guess crazy just ain’t what it used to be.

Queen of the World, Oprah Winfrey, held a fund-raiser for presidential candidate Barak Obama at her estate in California this past weekend. From the names on the guest list it is apparent that every black person who is anyone in America – and Cindy Crawford – dropped $2,300 a plate to schmooze with Oprah and the candidate/rock star himself. The event reportedly netted over $3 million for the Beat-Down Hilary War Chest and signals Oprah’s intention to throw her weight (no pun intended) behind the Obama campaign. Overheard at a taping of the Oprah Winfrey Show: “Hey everybody, welcome to the show! If everyone would just take a minute to look under their seats you’ll find the keys to a brand new Lexus SUV, complete with ‘I Love Obama’ bumper sticker, an iPod Nano which plays the Obama campaign music video and a portable GPS device with directions to your nearest polling station!”

General David Petraeus delivered testimony to congress today regarding the state of the war in Iraq. The verdict? Same old, same old. Progress is being made. Ask anyone in this administration how the war is going and they’ll tell you progress is being made. In fact, so much progress has been made that starting this Friday, the administration will officially replace the five-dollar bill with progress. That’s right people, a hot dog and soda at the game this weekend is now going to cost you progress and 45 cents.

I just saw a commercial for the seven passenger Mazda CX-9 SUV depicting a whopping two people (one adult and two six-year-olds) in the vehicle. Nice to see them maxing out their product’s potential. I guess I shouldn’t complain. Showing two passengers in the commercial is a two hundred percent improvement over some of their previous ads.

The one-woman circus that is Britney Spears (barely) showed up at the MTV Video Music Awards this past Sunday out of shape, out of sync, and in her underwear. At least she wore her underwear. Maybe that’s what caused the fisticuffs between has-been Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee and should-never-have-been Kid Rock. Mix in one Justin Timberlake’s lament that MTV’s fondness for mind-numbing reality shows make it difficult for him to bring his sexy back and you really have to wonder why absolutely no one bothered to watch this programming tragedy, don’t you?

At last, to football. I find myself wrapped up in no less than three fantasy football leagues this year, and opening weekend has been disastrous for me in all three. That’s right people, I am on the verge of being a three-time loser, with five of my first six draft choices (top two in each league) scored a combined total of ten points. So much for draft strategy.

The Turd of the Week award – if there were to be such a thing – goes to all 77,000 New York Jets fans who actually cheered a serious injury to their starting quarterback. It was like all the Eagles fans took a wrong turn at I-95, turned up in New Jersey, saw a bunch of guys in green and white jerseys and decided to do what Philly fans do best. Sad that these are the clowns Jets fans have chosen to emulate. Thank God none of them made it up to Buffalo.

Opening weekend confirmed several things for anyone who still had doubts. Indianapolis, New England, and San Diego are championship contenders. Too bad they’re all in the same Conference. Thanks to a rejuvenated defense, Seattle may not be the lame duck everyone seemed to think they were. Carolina’s offense may have finally gotten it together to make a run in the NFC South in the face of the stumbling Saints. No matter how many touchdowns he throws, “Mr. Carrie Underwood” Tony Romo may never live down the season-ending botched hold in the playoffs last year. For one week at least, the Detroit Lions are winners, and the Raiders are… well… still the Raiders. If only the Chicago Bears had quarterback – or even a monkey with a number spray-painted on its back. Oh and somebody please call the NCAA and see if we can swap the Falcons and Browns for USC and LSU. How else are the fans in Atlanta and Cleveland ever going to witness a victory this year? Brady, Brady, Brady!