Orange Smoothies

I’m sorry; you’ll have to excuse me this week. I think I’ve had an inverted Rip Van Winkle moment. I went to bed last night in September 2007 and woke up this morning in January 1995. The headlines haven’t changed. Unfortunately I neither look nor feel eighteen again. Go figure.

Yes folks, today’s word is “Juice”. That’s right, the one and only O.J. Simpson is back in the news. Never one to repeat the same mistake twice (unless you count the Naked Gun, Naked Gun 2 1/2 and Naked Gun 33 1/3) Simpson has traded in knives and bloody gloves for guns and sports memorabilia. However, being the savvy marketer he is, O.J. knows it’s the sound bite that really sells. So this time, instead of a recorded phone call from a Bronco during a slow speed chase, the Juice was kind enough to provide us with audio of an expletive-laced tirade directed toward several guys in a Vegas hotel room in possession of items he says are rightfully his.

I don’t know what’s worse. The fact that a (acquitted) murderer was caught on tape threatening a couple morons, or the fact that 12 years after the kangaroo court murder trial, O.J. Simpson is somehow still a searing pain in the collective ass of America. The Juice is rancid people. Pour it down the drain and get a new jug. Didn’t Britney Spears do anything we can rip on this weekend?

President Bush announced his nominee for Attorney General this morning. Some retired dude from New York. Yawn. Sigh. Somebody wake me up when this administration is over.

In what has to be the most amusing story of the weekend – if not the entire year, animal expert and Tonight Show regular Jack Hanna found himself detained for a short time at the Ohio State University Airport in Columbus. Of course by detained I mean stuck in an airport security turnstile with an 11-month-old pink flamingo – in a crate. Fortunately, the mongoose and the leopard that were also with him waited until Hanna was squished between the crate and the bars with his eyes bugging out in panic before jumping up and down, pointing and laughing hysterically. Hanna eventually managed to slither free of the turnstile and hike to a nearby fire station for help in retrieving the flustered, frustrated flamingo. In a remarkable display of restraint, the fire department was kind enough to log the incident as merely a “flamingo rescue”, instead of “geezer forces square crate into round gate and begs us to bail his sorry ass out.” Let this be a lesson to all you kids out there. Always pack your waterfowl in your checked baggage when you fly. That way, if it someone else gets it stuck in a security turnstile, you can be the one lobbing derogatory comments.

Word on the street is that a significant number of people (mostly young males between 18 and 35) have requested days off work in anticipation of the release of Halo 3 later this month. If any of you fit this description, keep the following story in mind when you’re on the fifth double cheese pizza, twelfth bag of Cheetos and scheduling that second bathroom break for the cinematic story sequence. A Chinese man died of apparent exhaustion at an Internet café following a three-day non-stop gaming binge. Paramedics attempted to revive the man but were unable to do so. They did however note the café was unusually empty when they arrived to offer their assistance. Sad that it takes a death in the room to get people off the computer and back out into the “real” world. And what does that say about the six people who remained hard at game, barely noticing anything was wrong? You know, there’s a reason they put power buttons on those things. Use it!

Finally, the New England Patriots received a spanking from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell following the videotaping cheating scandal exposed by the New York Jets early last week. “Patriotgate” will cost the team and its personnel a total of $750,000 and either a first or a second and third round draft picks. Neither this nor that fact that they couldn’t cheat again for at least a week seemed to matter one iota as they systematically dissected the cocky, trash-talking Superbowl-bound (just ask them) San Diego Chargers on Sunday night, in a game that was over pretty much before it started. During his post-game interview quarterback Tom Brady was asked if the events of the week were a distraction to any of the players. Brady responded something to the effect of, “What are you, an idiot? Didn’t you not just see us beat these clowns like rented mules in front of 70,000 people? Man, if I wasn’t just so damn sexy and good lookin’ I’d X Post Y Slugo Z Double Cross Sprint Right all over LT’s MVP backside right now.” Come on Tom. You’ve got three Superbowl rings, the entire city of Boston, oh, and Giselle Bundchen – and both her sisters. At least leave the rest of us with some measure of dignity.