The Biggest Loser

For everyone a little weary of cruelty and inhumanity, I’m happy to announce that this weekend’s recap is a Michael Vick-free zone. For those of you tired of heartbreak and stupidity, you’re not so lucky.

In what may be the biggest story of the weekend – depending on what part of the country you live in – is the fall of the Michigan Wolverines to the (formerly Division 1AA) Appalachian State Mountaineers. Yes, despite the Mountaineers best efforts to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory by failing to run down the clock prior to their first down field goal attempt with 30 seconds remaining in the game, Michigan simply could not overcome an absent defense, two failed two-point conversions and two blocked field goals, and suffered what is being called the biggest upset in NCAA football history. There’s some degree of poetic justice here. College football powerhouses always schedule cupcake teams for opening day. Nothing gets the fans going like watching their team embarrass a group of students who have no business being on the same field as their guys. It was only a matter of time before one of those teams came back to bite someone in the ass. These are the kind of games that cost coaches their jobs and teams their seasons. Lloyd Carr’s days are numbered. Go Blue.

Oh, and by the way, the Fighting Irish are terrible. I don’t know who Charlie Weis was trying to fool by playing the ridiculous game of “guess my quarterback” the entire week before the game, but you could have put Peyton Manning behind that offensive line and still end up with the same result. So what did we learn about the University of Football from the worst opening day loss in school history? Well, if you have three quarterbacks, you really don’t have any quarterbacks. A run defense that allows 241 rushing yards in a game isn’t much of a run defense. Teshard Choice looked like Jamal Lewis and the Irish looked like the Cleveland Browns. A running game netting –8 yards per game should be run out of town. Sacks aren’t burlap bags containing potatoes. They’re the burlap bags the quarterbacks are buried in. Bad things. Things you don’t want to take. Nine sacks are unacceptable. Raideresque even. It’s going to be a long, long season for Notre Dame.

A Florida couple has given birth to sextuplets. Oops. Bet they didn’t see that one coming. Send your diaper donations to…

Idaho Senator Larry Craig has decided to heed my advice and announced he will be resigning from office. He has also pledged to “fight like hell” to have his guilty plea expunged. If he puts half as much effort into that as he puts into soliciting gay sex in public restrooms he might get somewhere. But I don’t think “I pled guilty to make everything go away” is going to be enough to convince the judge that what you really meant to say was that you didn’t do anything creepy and it was all a big misunderstanding.

Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said in an interview he believes he could take on Hilary Clinton in a general election race. Sure you could Mike. Why don’t you worry about making it out of the primary first. Then we’ll see about prescribing you something for these delusions you’re having.

Apple Computer’s online superstore iTunes has announced it will stop selling NBC television shows sometime this year. This comes on the heels of an announcement that NBC Universal has refused to offer its music catalog for sale on iTunes as well. Apparently NBC wanted to increase the cost of it’s content and Apple refused to go along. So instead of screwing the user by increasing prices, NBC has decided to screw the user by denying content instead. That’ll show us! They’ll show us what we’re missing – by not showing us what we’re missing. Does anyone still watch NBC?

Last week was the second anniversary of Hurricane Katrina and its utter devastation of New Orleans. This topic deserves much more attention than I can give it right now. But the point is this; it’s been two years and the city is still a mess. Explain to me how that happens in the United States of America.

Here’s a blast from the past. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are fighting over custody of their teenage daughter. Shouldn’t someone be fighting to get this kid away from these two human tragedies? If I had a choice between Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown as parents I would choose adoption in Bangladesh – during the rainy season.

A late summer heat wave is once again straining the Southern California power grid. Why is this even news? Implied in the word news is that the information will be new. This crap happens every single summer. And no one has made any attempt to do anything about it. Apparently Californians like brownouts. No scorching summer day is complete without the air conditioner cutting out for several hours at a time. Here’s an idea. If you want to stop wasting ink printing this headline, UPGRADE YOUR POWER SYSTEM YOU IDIOTS! Sorry. Didn’t mean to shout.

Finally, in what has to be the most frightening story I have EVER heard, somebody walking in a park in Texas discovered a spider web over two hundred yards long. No, that is not a misprint. TWO HUNDRED YARDS! That’s two football fields. How many cans of Raid do I need to kill whatever spun that monstrosity? Actually there’s an idea that the web was created by a social group of spiders collaborating in order to catch a meal. Are you kidding me? They have a little spider civilization? Next thing you know they’ll be building little skyscrapers and driving to work on little eight-wheeled Vespas. I know this may kill the Christmas plans, but I’m not going anywhere near Texas until someone can assure me that whatever built that web isn’t going to meet me at the airport, stuff me in a cab, then wrap it up, refrigerate it and store it for later.