Dissent and Taxes

Today is tax day. If you’re hearing this for the first time, you have better things to do than read this post.

Due to an unusual circumstance at my paying job I was out of town yesterday and unable to complete this week’s installment of levity and sarcasm on time. I blame the Stimulus Bill. If only our clients hadn’t received their stimulus money I might have all the time in the world to sit on my couch musing about how much tea I could be sending to Washington. Damn that useless piece of legislation.

This past Sunday, U.S. Navy SEALs ended the five-day-old hostage situation with three rifle shots, freeing captured captain Richard Phillips. Congratulations on a happy ending. Let’s try to prevent this from happening again. Some pundits have called for an invasion of Somalia to take care of the pirate problem. I think there are several steps we can take before involving America in another war. For example, merchant vessels traveling through pirate-infested waters could hire private security, or, neighboring countries – perhaps funded by a third party – could hire private military contractors to seek out and destroy pirate vessels and property. I hear that Xe (formerly Blackwater Worldwide) is looking for work.

Some of the same pundits who are spoiling for another war also insist in labeling Somali pirates, terrorists. Let’s be perfectly clear about something. They are not terrorists. They are pirates. Words mean things. I know we’ve kind of let that slide for the past several years, but it’s important to remember. Someone who uses violence to achieve a political goal or make a political statement is a terrorist. Someone who hijacks a ship at sea and holds it for ransom is a pirate. Someone who shoots his wife and three kids, then turns the gun on himself is a coward and a criminal. All three are not the same. I know that it simplified the world-view of some if they can simply lump all the bad people into one category and nuke them all, but life is simply more complex than they may be comfortable with.

As mentioned previously, today is tax day. To celebrate, conservative activists held hundreds of little “tea parties” around the country today in protest of… well, let’s be honest, in protest of losing the election. Two hundred thirty-plus years ago, colonist snuck aboard British merchant vessels under cover of darkness and dumped tea into Boston harbor to protest British taxes levied against the colonists by a government in which they were not represented. This concept later morphed into the Revolutionary slogan, “No taxation without representation.” Apparently, some individuals attending these “tea parties” are under the impression that this is currently happening to them. Their impression is of course, false. American citizens are taxed WITH representation. That’s what those 535 congressmen and senators (well, 534 at the moment, ahem, Minnesota) in the big white building in Washington D.C. are there for, to represent you. I am taxed without representation, (as I am as yet unable to vote.) You are not. Other party attendees could be heard complaining to any open microphone they could find that the government “isn’t listening to (them).” Also not true. They’re actually just ignoring you. Sort of like your president did to them for the past eight years. Doesn’t feel so good, does it. You see, you had your say, a little over three months ago. Unfortunately for you, more people said something different, and their voices overwhelmed yours. That’s the way the system works in America. To co-opt and modify a phase coined by conservative commentator Charles Krauthammer in reference to the vilification of a previous president, the right in this country is suffering from Obama derangement syndrome, “the acute onset of paranoia in otherwise normal people in reaction to the policies, the presidency – nay – the very existence of Barack Obama.” Don’t get on television complaining about how the president is the anti-Christ and system is broken and doesn’t reflect the will of the people, because he’s not, it isn’t, and it does. Just be honest. You’re angry because you lost. There’s no shame in that. Keep sending in those teabags. I’m sure the homeless in Washington would love to drink something other than stale coffee and tap water for a few days.

The Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, (read three guys in a basement with a fax machine) are demanding Burger King immediately pull a new advertisement featuring the King delivering a remix/parody of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s 90’s hit “Baby Got Back” titled, “I Like Square Butts.” According to the ad, if you purchase an adult BK Value Meal, you can get a BK Kids Meal featuring the one and only, SpongeBob SquarePants. The add is pretty funny, and the CCFC lacks any sense of humor, but maybe I was expecting too much from an organization that launched a letter-writing campaign in the age of e-mail, Twitter and text messages.

This past Monday, a passenger on board a twin-engine aircraft successfully landed the plane after the pilot died suddenly shortly after take-off. Seriously? This stuff actually happens in real life? Now it helps that said passenger also had his pilot’s license – albeit for much smaller aircraft – but even so, what are the odds that there would be a passenger with a pilot’s license on board a flight with a dead pilot? Somebody was definitely living right.

Finally this week, in an effort to regain some control over her image, Lindsay Lohan filmed a spoof eHarmony personal ad for Funny or Die this week in which she announces she is single and looking for love. Far too often celebrities forget how to poke fun at themselves and end up strung out, flat broke and starring in low rent B movies on SciFi Channel. For the last few years Lohan looked as though she were headed in that direction. But demonstrating the ability to laugh at one’s self indicates a level of maturity absent in many adults that might allow her to understand that there is more to life than the self-created fantasy world in which so many people in the entertainment industry seem to exist. Good job Lindsay. If you can remember to at least wear underwear when you pass out drunk in your car around town, it’s a step in the right direction.

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

In Like A Lion

In like a lion, out like a lamb.  That’s what they say about March.  They, have obviously never been to Indiana. There’s also something about April showers bringing May flowers. I think they were referring to rain showers, not snow.

Former Bush speechwriter and noted conservative (and Canadian by the way) David Frum wrote an opinion piece this week claiming that President Obama accomplished little during his European tour this past week.  After eight years of American presidents accomplishing nothing on overseas trips, little, is a dramatic improvement.

While Obama did not secure any groundbreaking policy commitments, (disregarding agreement on financial regulations, nuclear arms reduction and genuine good will), he did begin the arduous process of repairing relations with the rest of the world.  Instead of peering into other people’s eyes and seeing their souls, he looked at the summit participants and saw them for who they really are, political leaders of nations with different interests and agendas from those of the United States.  And while they don’t want to be bludgeoned into doing America’s bidding, they might be convinced to work with America on issues of mutual interest.  What the Bush administration never understood, and what the conservative movement by extension continues to misunderstand, is that the rest of the world is fully aware that the United States is the most powerful nation on earth.  But they neither want nor need to have it lorded over their heads all the time.  They want to be treated like sovereign nations, not U.S. Territories.

When the media wasn’t covering Barack Obama mediating disputes between the French and Chinese Presidents, the story was Michelle Obama.  Apparently she is the second coming of Princess Grace and Jacqueline Onassis.  The French press declared her to be bigger than French first lady, pop star and former super model Carla Bruni.  Mrs. Obama drew crowds as large or larger than those that turned out for her husband.  Buckingham Palace even issued a statement declaring that her much ballyhooed embrace of the queen was simply a spontaneous, mutual display of affection.  She’s untouchable.  It’s like she’s this incredibly effective ambassador for America, someone people look up to and believe embodies the all the positive values of this country, worthy of emulation. It’s somewhat refreshing.

As promised, the GOP unveiled its alternative budget proposal last Wednesday, April Fools Day. After reviewing the details, one could be forgiven for mistaking the afore mentioned proposal for an April Fool’s prank. Absent from the budget alternative was any mention of healthcare, energy or education. Instead we were promised a spending freeze on everything but defense (proving once again that Republicans can always find money to blow things up), and, of course, tax cuts. Apparently the GOP believes the condition of the healthcare system, the environment and the educational system will improve so long as we continue to ignore them. Hard to argue with logic like that, isn’t it?

Not content to look like April fools with their faux budget proposal, GOP representatives also issued a statement claiming that any use of the budget reconciliation process to pass the President’s budget priorities (a process the Republican Congressional majority used at least three times during the past eight years to pass President Bush’s tax cuts) would derail any chance for compromise. Do they think we’re all idiots? What chance for compromise? Republicans have proven repeatedly over the past ten weeks that they have no intention of signing on to any of the President’s initiatives, regardless of the circumstances. Republican leadership still doesn’t seem to understand that bipartisanship does not mean simply giving in to everything they want.

And now for a little comic relief.

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This past Monday the Iowa Supreme Court struck down the state law prohibiting gay marriage. Not to be outdone, less than one day later the Vermont legislature soundly over rode the governor’s veto (100-49 in the House and 23-5 in the Senate) of a bill legalizing gay marriage in Vermont. Riding the wave, the District of Columbia promptly passed legislation stating it would recognize legal same-sex marriages performed in other states as legal in D.C. That brings the tally of states in which same-sex marriage is legal to 4 1/2. At some point, probably sooner rather than later, the United States Supreme Court is going to have “man up” and make a ruling on this issue. They’ve been avoiding it like the plague, treating it like its some reincarnation of Bush vs. Gore. They can’t duck this forever.

Merely hours after Secretary of Defense Robert Gates debuted the administration’s priorities for the U.S. military, the opposition dusted off the old GOP playbook and attacked. Republican Senator James Inhofe accused the President of attempting to “disarm America.” Obama will apparently accomplish this by INCREASING the defense budget by 4%, dropping plans for a new fleet of over-priced presidential helicopters, (a move supported by several notable Republicans like John McCain), ending production of the F-22 stealth fighter (in an era in which stealth aircraft are now detectable by all our major allies as well as threats to our air superiority), reducing the missile defense program and attempting to shift military priorities – and funding to counter-insurgency technologies and personnel. In what universe is a 4% increase a catastrophic budget cut? The opposition to this budget proposal – as it always is – is an example of NIMBY at it’s finest. Production of the F-22 is spread across 44 states. Congress doesn’t care one bit that the aircraft is over-priced and obsolete, and could be replaced with something relevant and less expensive. They simply don’t want to lose jobs in their distract. All those Southern representatives who had no trouble telling autoworkers in Michigan Ohio and Indiana to stick it where the sun don’t shine will be the first to show up on the steps of the Capitol, pitch forks in hand, demanding the government protect the jobs of hard-working “real Americans.”

Just when you thought he was out of your hair, the hair returns to haunt your news. Late last week, former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was indicted on 16 counts of political corruption in connection with his alleged attempted selling of Barack Obama’s senate seat. Blago is poised to become the second consecutive Illinois governor to find himself behind bars. This delightful piece of rogue trivia came in the same week that new Attorney General Eric Holder dismissed all corruption charges against Alaska senator Ted Stevens due to the fact that prosecutors failed to turn over potentially exculpatory evidence to the defense. So, residents of Illinois and Alaska get a little something for everyone. Illini get one of their own in the White House and another in the Big House. Alaskans may have missed out on sassy Sarah as Dick Cheney lite, but they can reclaim Uncle Ted, provider of the Bridge to Nowhere. I guess that’s fair.

The story of the day comes to us from Somalia, where for the first time since 1804, pirates commandeered a ship under a U.S. flag. Their victory was short lived however, as the crew promptly retook their ship, taking one of the pirates into custody. The other three managed to escape to the lifeboat with the captain as a hostage. Unmanned Navy surveillance aircraft continue to track the position of the lifeboat as a destroyer and its compliment of helicopters make their way toward it. What will happen when the cavalry arrives is anybody’s guess, but I’d be willing to bet that it will probably be another 205 years before pirates intentionally attack another American ship.

Finally, Levi Johnston, former fiancee of one Bristol Palin apparently misses the bright lights of the campaign. He found his way back into the spotlight last week with an appearance on the Tyra show. Appearing with his mother and sister, Mr. Johnston lamented his break-up with his ex-fiancee, admitted (the obvious) that he did use protection - most of the time - and insinuated that Governor Palin knew that he and her daughter were not “saving themselves for marriage.” The Palin public relations machine, apparently oblivious to more substantive issues like the storage of millions of gallons of flammable fuel in the shadow of an active volcano, expended valueless airtime refuting Johnston’s claims, labeling him a liar and an attention-seeker. Seriously, am I the only one relieved that this episode of Jerry Springer never made it anywhere near Pennsylvania Avenue?

A Day Late & A Trillion Dollars Short

I need to get this out of the way right off the top. My wife is a Fighting Irish alumna. They lost to what many would consider a vastly inferior football team this past weekend. And because of that, their coach, Charlie Weis, should be fired. Not because I believe he is any more to blame than the players on the field. Not even because of an inexcusable loss to a pathetic Syracuse team - Notre Dame has lost to bad teams before. But that’s just the way it works in South Bend. If you fail, you get fired. Charlie Weis has failed. And in the same way his predecessors were unceremoniously dismissed, so should he be also. Anything less would be an embarrassment to the university. Yes, more of an embarrassment than the ten year 40 million dollar contract they gave him after one decent season.

Now that the important business is out of the way, on to the trivial.

Congratulations, you are now the proud owner of Citigroup. Can’t wait until this market rebounds so I can get rich.

In the midst of the madness President-Elect Obama is attempting to assemble his cabinet under what sometimes can only be described as breathless scrutiny. The biggest speculative non-appointment so far has been the rumors that Hillary Clinton may have been offered and might actually accept the position of Secretary of State. But that’s all still speculation. Back in the realm of things that have actually happened, Obama has named former U.S. Attorney and deputy Attorney General Eric Holder to head the Justice Department, and the president of the New York Federal Reserve, Timothy Geithner, as his Secretary of the Treasury. Geithner, a bright young student of former Treasury Secretaries Larry Summers and Robert Rubin seems to be well regarded in economic circles as knowledgeable, experienced and creative.

Of course, not everyone is happy with these appointments. There seems to be a view among some on the left that Obama’s cabinet appointments haven’t been radical enough. If one believed the accusations about Obama from the right during the campaign one might have expected him to appoint the ghost of Karl Marx to head the Treasury and Mahatma Ghandi as Secretary of Defense. Instead, Obama has done the wise thing in turbulent times and selected familiar-faced, centrist-leaning appointees to head key cabinet posts. While that may disturb the more liberal elements of the Democratic Party, it’s a pretty solid strategy for the current political and economic uncertainty. If there was a lesson to be learned from John McCain’s implosion during the campaign, it is that lurching, erratic behavior in a crisis will destroy whatever faith the public may have had in their leaders. Before the economic meltdown hit in mid-September, McCain was viewed by many - if not a majority of Americans as the stronger leader of the two men. Less than a week later, after he had declared the fundamentals of the economy sound, rescinded that statement four hours later, partially suspended his campaign, rushed back to Washington to fix the problem while not actually doing anything, taking credit for a bailout package that subsequently failed and refusing to appear at a scheduled debate which he then appeared at without explanation, public opinion of his leadership had completely inverted itself. If Obama were to bring in the liberal equivalent of Joe the Plumber to fill his cabinet positions, his credibility would evaporate the moment any decision by any of those newbies went awry. And if there truly were elements of left who voted for Obama because they thought he would usher in some sort of socialist worker’s paradise, you really should have voted for the Socialist Party candidate. You’re going to be disappointed.

Following a plea for clemency from none other than the President-elect himself, Senator Joe Lieberman was allowed to retain his chairmanship of the Homeland Security Committee, despite his aggressive opposition to Obama’s candidacy. Following last week’s vote, a befuddled Senate majority leader Harry Reid addressed the media saying that there is a chapter of Lieberman’s political career he will never understand, but in the interest of the country the party is willing to put that aside and work with him. I have to admit I’m more than a little amused by the Lieberman saga. A month ago he was implying that Obama - who supported Lieberman in his Senate re-election campaign against Democrat Ned Lamont - was some sort of closet socialist just waiting to assume power so that he could sell out the country to Hugo Chavez and Raul Castro. Now he claims he is anxious to let bygones be bygones and get back to being buddies like nothing ever happened. I can’t help but wonder if Obama pulled Liberman’s cookies out of the fire some reason other than the goodness of his heart. I’d love to get ahold of that Christmas card.

When I say the word ‘pirate’, what image comes to your mind? Blackbeard? Captain Hook? Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom? You’ll have to forgive my ignorance, but until last week I had no idea that piracy was still a serious issue in the year 2008. Apparently the problem stems from the East African failed state of Somalia. Somalia hasn’t had a functional, non-military dictatorial government in 40 years, poverty is ubiquitous and crime is out of control. Decades of war have left the infrastructure in shambles, the currency virtually worthless and the economy unable to support its citizens. So, many former fisherman have figured out that storming aboard freighters and oil tankers and holding them for ransom is a much more lucrative career path than trolling the coast for a couple pounds of fish they may or may not be able to sell at the market. Reportedly the United States, Britain and other allies have warships in the area and routinely patrol the waters off the Somali coast, but so far they’ve decided not to intervene or attempt to retrieve property stolen by the pirates (with the exception of an Indian warship which sent a pirate “mother-ship” to the bottom in flames). I’m not sure I understand the refusal to act. These aren’t mysterious supernatural peg-legged demons sailing ghost ships through the night to capture the Crown’s gold and stash it on some treasure island somewhere. These are thugs with AK-47s and rocket-propelled grenades. We know how to deal with them. And it’s not like they’re stealing Junior Mints and hiding them in the desert. If Google Earth can show me the fire pit in my back yard from space, surely the military can find something the size of an oil tanker. Get out there are do what you have to do to stop this foolishness!

Attorney General Michael Mukasey collapsed during a speech in which he was attempting to cast the record of the Bush Justice Department in a positive light. The jokes write themselves with this one.

There is some discussion among experts, pundits and close advisors as to whether or not a President Obama would have to give up the use of his Blackberry. During the campaign Obama was rarely - if ever - seen without it, constantly e-mailing or texting or talking to someone. The worries are two-fold. First, so people believe that communication via Blackberry just isn’t secure enough to be used by the President. And second, all e-mails to and from the President must be recorded. The fear is that Obama might simply e-mail or text things he doesn’t want people to know. But there are inherent flaws with both of those suppositions. Wireless communications don’t have to be insecure. There is technology available - especially to the President of the United States - capable of securing cellphone communications. And at some point, you just have to trust that the President will be smart enough not to text stupid things over his Blackberry. Besides, it’s 2008. We are eventually going to have to get used to the idea of a wireless executive. In an age where six-year-olds carry cellphones to school, we can’t expect the leader of the free world to have to conduct the people’s business on two Dixie cups joined with a string. It’s just something we’re going to have to deal with.

My NFL Thoughts for Week 12:

I fully expect the New York Giants to repeat as Superbowl champions. No one else is capable of beating this team. The loss to Cleveland was a fluke, and will not be repeated.

Thanks to the New York Jets, there are no remaining undefeated teams in the league. But, thanks to the Buccaneers, the Lions are still winless going into their Thanksgiving Day meeting with Tennessee. If we can’t have perfection we can at least have complete and utter incompetence, can’t we?

If the Atlanta Falcons make it to the playoffs, Matt Ryan is the league MVP. Period. Michael who?

Donovan McNabb is playing his final season in Philadelphia. There have been rumblings for years now, especially since the Eagles recently burned a high-round draft pick on a “quarterback of the future.” But his abysmal performance this past Sunday on the heels of his abysmal performance the Sunday before should be enough to cost him his job. It’s not entirely his fault. With the exception of the Terrell Owens experiment, the management in Philly has consistently refused to provide McNabb with quality receivers and a short-yardage back, but that just seems to be the way things work in Philadelphia. High expectations, questionable executive support and the worst fans in sports.

I’m also a little peeved at the sports media’s fake outrage at McNabb’s statement after last week’s game that he was unaware that regular season games could end in a tie. No one accused him of mailing it in at the end of overtime in anticipation of getting another chance in double overtime. In fact, he attempted a hail mary pass to the endzone in a futile attempt to beat the one-win Bengals. So the fact that he didn’t know the game could end in a tie is completely irrelevant. A tie occurs in the NFL about once every fifteen years. There are players who have played their entire careers without every experiencing one. The Eagles lost the game because they aren’t very good, not because the quarterback didn’t know the tie rule.

Stick a fork in the Chargers, they’re done. It figures that the first year I’m fortunate enough to draft high enough to select the top-performing running back in football, he has one of the worst seasons in recent memory. Sigh. At least I won’t finish last this year.

Brett Favre doesn’t look 39. Neither does Kurt Warner.

The New Orleans Saints hung 51 points on a pretty good football team Monday night. How is this team only one game above .500?

My Superbowl picks for Week 12; New York Giants vs. New York Jets.

Ashley Dupre, the call girl that former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer spent $15,000 on to improve his mood has issued an apology to Spitzer’s wife. Yeah. I’m sure she was waiting with baited breath for that little piece of closure. Why do people who aren’t sorry, insist on apologizing anyway?

Two months after its original three month mission was supposed to have expired, NASA scientists finally lost contact with the Mars Phoenix Lander and declared the mission over. NASA claims the mission was a success, as the lander returned evidence of water ice in the Martian soil. And all that is well and good, but frankly, it’s a little boring. I’m sure it’s exciting to astrophysicists, but I need something more... flashy. When do we get to send the trained monkeys to bring back Mars rocks?

This Tony Romo character is driving me crazy with his little random acts of kindness. Last month, on his way back from the airport after a late night flight, the superstar quarterback pulled over to the side of the freeway to change a flat tire for an unfortunate elderly couple. This month, a homeless man was making change at a theater ticket booth when a young man tapped him on the shoulder and asked him if he was interested in seeing a movie. The homeless man thanked him for the offer but declined, saying he had agreed to distribute newspapers for a local homeless outfit that day and had to get started. But as the young man and his friend entered the theater, the homeless guy realized whom he had been talking to. He ran across the street to the homeless outfit he was supposed to deliver papers for, told them what happened and asked for the day off. He then headed back to the theater to find a ticket waiting for him at the window. As he entered, Romo waved him over to sit next to him and offered him popcorn. When homeless dude mentioned that he had not showered in a couple days, Tony replied, “No problem. I’ve been around locker rooms.” And for the next ninety minutes, a superstar and a homeless man shared some cheap laughs together before returning to vastly different lives. As a Packers fan, crap like this makes it really difficult to hate Tony Romo.

Finally, from the desk of You’ve Got to Be Kidding, TIVO will soon begin offering a new service to subscribers. As of November 17, 2008, TIVO subscribers will be able to order Domino’s Pizza through their television sets. I know that at first that seems like a cool idea. But think about it for a minute. TIVO already provides you with everything you need to facilitate the ordering of a pizza. Part of the reason the thing was invented is so that you can pause the show (so that you don’t miss anything), and pick up the damn phone to call for the pizza! Was it really too much work to pick up the phone? Or visit Dominos.com? On your mobile phone none-the-less? You know you still have to pause the show and get up to answer the door for the delivery guy, right?