Dissent and Taxes

Today is tax day. If you’re hearing this for the first time, you have better things to do than read this post.

Due to an unusual circumstance at my paying job I was out of town yesterday and unable to complete this week’s installment of levity and sarcasm on time. I blame the Stimulus Bill. If only our clients hadn’t received their stimulus money I might have all the time in the world to sit on my couch musing about how much tea I could be sending to Washington. Damn that useless piece of legislation.

This past Sunday, U.S. Navy SEALs ended the five-day-old hostage situation with three rifle shots, freeing captured captain Richard Phillips. Congratulations on a happy ending. Let’s try to prevent this from happening again. Some pundits have called for an invasion of Somalia to take care of the pirate problem. I think there are several steps we can take before involving America in another war. For example, merchant vessels traveling through pirate-infested waters could hire private security, or, neighboring countries – perhaps funded by a third party – could hire private military contractors to seek out and destroy pirate vessels and property. I hear that Xe (formerly Blackwater Worldwide) is looking for work.

Some of the same pundits who are spoiling for another war also insist in labeling Somali pirates, terrorists. Let’s be perfectly clear about something. They are not terrorists. They are pirates. Words mean things. I know we’ve kind of let that slide for the past several years, but it’s important to remember. Someone who uses violence to achieve a political goal or make a political statement is a terrorist. Someone who hijacks a ship at sea and holds it for ransom is a pirate. Someone who shoots his wife and three kids, then turns the gun on himself is a coward and a criminal. All three are not the same. I know that it simplified the world-view of some if they can simply lump all the bad people into one category and nuke them all, but life is simply more complex than they may be comfortable with.

As mentioned previously, today is tax day. To celebrate, conservative activists held hundreds of little “tea parties” around the country today in protest of… well, let’s be honest, in protest of losing the election. Two hundred thirty-plus years ago, colonist snuck aboard British merchant vessels under cover of darkness and dumped tea into Boston harbor to protest British taxes levied against the colonists by a government in which they were not represented. This concept later morphed into the Revolutionary slogan, “No taxation without representation.” Apparently, some individuals attending these “tea parties” are under the impression that this is currently happening to them. Their impression is of course, false. American citizens are taxed WITH representation. That’s what those 535 congressmen and senators (well, 534 at the moment, ahem, Minnesota) in the big white building in Washington D.C. are there for, to represent you. I am taxed without representation, (as I am as yet unable to vote.) You are not. Other party attendees could be heard complaining to any open microphone they could find that the government “isn’t listening to (them).” Also not true. They’re actually just ignoring you. Sort of like your president did to them for the past eight years. Doesn’t feel so good, does it. You see, you had your say, a little over three months ago. Unfortunately for you, more people said something different, and their voices overwhelmed yours. That’s the way the system works in America. To co-opt and modify a phase coined by conservative commentator Charles Krauthammer in reference to the vilification of a previous president, the right in this country is suffering from Obama derangement syndrome, “the acute onset of paranoia in otherwise normal people in reaction to the policies, the presidency – nay – the very existence of Barack Obama.” Don’t get on television complaining about how the president is the anti-Christ and system is broken and doesn’t reflect the will of the people, because he’s not, it isn’t, and it does. Just be honest. You’re angry because you lost. There’s no shame in that. Keep sending in those teabags. I’m sure the homeless in Washington would love to drink something other than stale coffee and tap water for a few days.

The Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, (read three guys in a basement with a fax machine) are demanding Burger King immediately pull a new advertisement featuring the King delivering a remix/parody of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s 90’s hit “Baby Got Back” titled, “I Like Square Butts.” According to the ad, if you purchase an adult BK Value Meal, you can get a BK Kids Meal featuring the one and only, SpongeBob SquarePants. The add is pretty funny, and the CCFC lacks any sense of humor, but maybe I was expecting too much from an organization that launched a letter-writing campaign in the age of e-mail, Twitter and text messages.

This past Monday, a passenger on board a twin-engine aircraft successfully landed the plane after the pilot died suddenly shortly after take-off. Seriously? This stuff actually happens in real life? Now it helps that said passenger also had his pilot’s license – albeit for much smaller aircraft – but even so, what are the odds that there would be a passenger with a pilot’s license on board a flight with a dead pilot? Somebody was definitely living right.

Finally this week, in an effort to regain some control over her image, Lindsay Lohan filmed a spoof eHarmony personal ad for Funny or Die this week in which she announces she is single and looking for love. Far too often celebrities forget how to poke fun at themselves and end up strung out, flat broke and starring in low rent B movies on SciFi Channel. For the last few years Lohan looked as though she were headed in that direction. But demonstrating the ability to laugh at one’s self indicates a level of maturity absent in many adults that might allow her to understand that there is more to life than the self-created fantasy world in which so many people in the entertainment industry seem to exist. Good job Lindsay. If you can remember to at least wear underwear when you pass out drunk in your car around town, it’s a step in the right direction.

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan