It's Only Natural

So. In the event you have been living under a rock for the past several days, we are facing an outbreak of the swine flu. In the event you have actually been watching the news over the past several days, we are in the midst of a lethal swine flu pandemic threatening to wipe out millions and millions—perhaps billions of people worldwide within the next 72 hours

In his book America, comedian Jon Stewart comments that only seven minutes of actual news takes place on any given day. This presents an enormous challenge for the 24-hour news networks—and by proxy, the Internet. Seven minutes of actual news leaves 23 hours 53 minutes of empty broadcast time and millions of blank web pages to fill with something, nay ANYTHING remotely interesting. Hence, the evolution of speculation. Cable news has elevated speculation, and first cousins hyperbole and paranoia from the level of supermarket tabloid to high art. Within hours of the first reported case of flu in Mexico, CNN had credentialed experts from thirteen different agencies predicting uncontrollable outbreaks in 37 different countries with the potential for millions of deaths worldwide, all accompanied by flashy animated graphics illuminating the 50-foot long high-definition monitor in the studio. Yet somehow, all that information fails to provide perhaps the most important component of all this, perspective. Sure, every now and then, amidst jittery cell phone video of commuters emerging from the subway wearing surgical masks and breathless audio from the reporter on the scene describing each minute detail of people nervously going about their business, Anderson Cooper manages to mention that in a country of 110 million (Mexico), less that 2000 are confirmed sick with the swine flu and far fewer (150) of those—and none of the few dozen cases in the United States, Canada, Europe and Asia have actually proved fatal. I guess that information’s not really relevant to the story. I understand that the spread of any contagious disease in an age of mass international transportation is cause for concern, but let’s reserve the panic for when we really need it. You know, like for when the intergalactic space pirates arrive to pillage and plunder the earth.

The blockbuster political news of the week is that the Democratic Party is now but one Supreme Court decision away from a filibuster-proof majority in the U.S. Senate. This morning, Senator Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania announced he has switched his party affiliation from Republican to Democrat. This brings the tally of Democratic senators to 59; awaiting Al Franken to fill the 60th seat once the Supreme Court puts an end to the farce that is the Minnesota election process. In a statement from his office this morning, Specter, a 29 year veteran of the Senate gave what boiled down to the old, “I didn’t leave the party, the party left me” speech, saying that the Republican red shift of the past eight years left his politics more in line with those of the opposition. Many of his colleagues we “shocked,” some were “stunned” and “saddened,” while others were excited to be “cleansing” the party of inferior conservatives. RNC Chairman Michael Steele completely wigged out, first in a written statement, then later in radio and television interviews asserting that in the 2010 election cycle, he (Steele) and the Republicans will be, “coming after (Specter) and taking you out,” after which he talked a little smack about Specter’s mama. Party spokesman Rush Limbaugh applauded Specter’s departure, urging him to take John McCain and his daughter Meghan with him. That’s right Rush, purify—sanctify the party. Cleanse the master race.

I spent a significant portion of the previous post discussing torture, and the bizarre, convoluted debate surrounding it in Washington. But I think I failed to make the following point. The President and the Congress of the United States have far more urgent matters to waste their time on than trying to land Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld in prison. Let it go. Cheney can’t harm anyone anymore—aside from his hunting partners. It does this country absolutely no good to expend valuable time and energy investigating what the definition of “is” was. Make sure it doesn’t happen again and move on.

As a footnote to the tea time protests of a couple weeks ago, the version of the budget outline agreed upon in conference committee today eliminates Obama’s proposed middle class tax cut, while continuing to extend the Bush tax cuts of 2003. All you demonstrators earning more than $250,000/yr. can return home and rest easy. Your taxes won’t be increasing at all. Mission accomplished.

Chrysler announced today it has reached a deal with Fiat and the UAW to avoid bankruptcy. The deal will turn 35% of the company over to Fiat, divide 10% between the federal government and secured lenders (banks and hedge funds) and give the remaining 55% to the auto workers. General Motors is attempting to structure a similar deal, ideally with far less than the 50% governmental stake currently proposed. I hope this works. (It most likely won’t for GM, which would push them into bankruptcy court.) And I hope that if/when GM and Chrysler return to profitability, the government will recoup the money it has poured into those companies, sell it’s shares and get the hell out of the automobile business for good.

At the same time they announced their radical restructuring plan on Monday, General Motors also announced it will cut 21,000 additional jobs and discontinue the Pontiac nameplate. Fortunately, Pontiac doesn’t make anything anybody’s going to miss.

According to an article on Oprah.com, (please, don’t ask me how I came across this), more women are leaving men for other women. Apparently women have finally figured out what men have known for millennia. Chicks are pretty sweet. They smell better too.

Damn you, Chicago Blackhawks. Damn you all.

Finally tonight, we return to Minnesota. Land of lakes, Lutherans, and one congresswoman Michelle Bachmann. The gift that keeps on giving. Merely days after passionately insisting on the floor of the House of Representatives that carbon dioxide couldn’t possibly be harmful because, “it’s natural,” (you know, natural, like arsenic, and anthrax, and I don’t know, swine flu), Bachmann offered up this gem in an interview with Pajamas TV (whatever that is);

“I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president Jimmy Carter. And I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.”

Sigh. First, the swine flu scare took place in 1976. Gerald Ford was president. He was a Republican. Of course, Bachmann has never been concerned with facts. But more importantly, exactly what is she getting at? Does she suspect some sinister collaboration between pigs, influenza and Democratic administrations to infect the American population with communicable diseases at 33 years intervals? Is she aware that the only reason people interview her is the guarantee that she’ll say something incredibly stupid? And who are the crack-heads that keep voting her into office? Come on Minnesota! We expect better from you! Given your track record I can’t figure out why, but we do. At least Floridians had an excuse. They’re all retired; they don’t have to think anymore. What’s your excuse? It’s not THAT cold up there.