7 Days

A long long time ago, when MTV still played music videos, (and MTV2 played only music videos) they ran a cartoon called “Clone High.” Simple premise really. The teenaged clones of historical figures all attended the same high school, bumbling ensues, 22 minutes of easy laughs. In one episode, teenaged Ghandi ran against teenaged Abe Lincoln for student body president. Early on, Abe decided he would run on the issues. Ghandi decided he would simply throw out slogans and accusations and rely on the stupidity of the voter to carry his campaign. Needless to say, Ghandi won the race, confounding Abe in the debate by announcing to the voters that his opponent was a baby-eater. When Abe questioned him as to how he could make such an accusation, Ghandi replied to the assembly, “Has he ever said that he doesn’t eat babies?”

It’s sad that so many elements of this presidential campaign remind me of an MTV cartoon.

I don’t have a lot of politics to talk about this week. Frankly I’m a little worn out by the whole thing. And this being the week before election day the madness has reached a fever pitch. But, there are a couple items worth nothing, so we’ll touch on those briefly. Maybe I’ll feel more like vigorous political discussion next Wednesday. We’ll see.

According to more than a few unnamed McCain campaign insiders (and I’m always a little suspicious of “unnamed campaign insiders) it seems as though Sarah Palin might be too much “maverick” for the Maverick himself. Apparently, the governor has gone rogue, crafting her own policy and talking points and pretty much doing whatever she pleases. In fact, there are some inside the campaign - and many outside - who believe she has shifted her focus from aiding McCain to setting herself up for a run at the white house in 2012. I think it might be a little premature to assign self-serving motives to the VP candidate before the election has even taken place. But I wasn’t born yesterday. Palin is an ambitious woman and she isn’t going to let a minor setback like a (potential) McCain-Palin defeat keep her from advancing her career. Nor should she. One must be ambitious in order to accomplish anything politically. I’m just saying that I will be enjoying a Palin presidency - should there ever be one - from a safe distance. Very, very safe.

John McCain, mistaking himself for Detroit Pistons loudmouth forward Rasheed Wallace, guaranteed victory next Tuesday in an interview over the weekend. McCain said, the polls be damned, he’s going to knock out Barack Obama in a come-from-behind victory that will not become evident until early Wednesday morning. Wasn’t he accusing Obama of being presumptuous, measuring the drapes and all that garbage last week.

Of all the strategies and arguments he has employed throughout this campaign, McCain finally seems to have settled on three. It’s still two too many, but that’s just McCain’s maverick nature.

He’s taken up the traditional Republican mantra that Democrats want to “spread the wealth”, by stealing from the rich and giving to the fat lazy working and non-working slobs alike who should be left to rot in their own filth in the gutters of humanity while the wealthy climb over them to collect what’s rightfully theirs. This argument holds water for some people. Mostly people who have benefited from the redistribution of wealth the tax system and regulatory structure (or lack thereof) have provided them with over the past several decades. Nevertheless, it might score him a few votes.

His second argument is that electing him to the White House will provide a check against one party Democratic rule in Congress. Strange, he wasn’t advocating a John Kerry presidency as a check against one party Republican Congressional rule in 2004. I guess one party rule is only a bad thing when your party isn’t ruling. Throughout this campaign McCain has claimed that he has a history of “reaching across the isle” and working with Democrats to pass important legislation. Yet now he finds himself advocating for nothing other than the gridlock voters constantly say they abhor. A man of the people he is, John McCain.

Finally, he is attempting to convince the electorate that Barack Obama is simply “too risky” for America. Aside from the fact that this “too risky” approach failed miserably for Al Gore in 2000, the argument is absolutely absurd. This country was founded on risk. The colonists took a huge risk leaving everything they knew behind in England for an unknown, largely uncharted continent on which to start new lives. The framers took enormous risk in going to war against a more experienced, better armed, better financed British Empire to gain independence. The United States took a risk sending ill-equipped, ill-prepared soldiers to the European and Pacific theaters to liberate the world during World War II. This is a country in which people jump out of airplanes at ten thousand feet, and jump off bridges with rope tied around their ankles. Every weekend millions of people watch race car drivers fly around a track with only inches between the cars, and cheer as 250-pound men slam into each other at 20 miles-an-hour. Every day, 40 million people risk their own safety by going about their business without health insurance. Lotteries and casinos are billion dollar business, Wall Street is a trillion dollar enterprise. America is loaded with risk. We are a nation of risk-takers, and we take pride in that fact. Don’t you tell me that voting for a man held in check by two branches of government, a two-hundred year-old constitution and 100 million voters is a risk we cannot afford. Americans take more risk crossing the street than they would voting for Obama. It’s a pathetic argument, and really doesn’t deserve even the ink I’ve given it. I apologize for my indulgence.

Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was convicted of seven counts of making false statements to conceal hundreds of thousands of dollars in gifts and home improvements today. Oops. At least he didn’t swindle billions of dollars out of the American taxpayer to build a bridge to nowhere. Oh, wait. He did that too. Hmm. How about that.

The ATF charged two Tennessee neo-Nazi skinheads with plotting to murder 102 black high school students before attempting to assassinate Barack Obama. Agents seized a rifle, a sawed-off shotgun and three pistols from the men and claim they were preparing to break into a gun shop to steal some more. Just in case anyone needed a reminder, racism is alive and well in America.

Rumor has it that the Detroit automakers may be the next on the list for a federal bailout. This would come on top of the $29 billion loan already released to them by Congress. Another rumor postulates that the “big three” are on the verge of becoming the “big two”, with General Motors looking to purchase Chrysler from the Cerberus Capital group. I don’t really understand how a company as deep in the red as General Motors can afford to buy a chocolate bar - let alone another car company - but I guess I just need to accept that some things are beyond my comprehension. This isn’t the first time American automakers have received federal money to keep themselves afloat. And this probably won’t be the last. But it probably should be. At some point, if you can’t figure out how to run your business to turn a profit, (ahem, every U.S. airline except Southwest), perhaps you shouldn’t be running a business.

The New York City Council has approved a measure eliminating term limits, allowing two term mayor Michael Bloomberg to run for re-election for a third term. Problem is, the term limits they overturned had been approved by the voters by ballot initiative on two separate occasions. Magic eight-ball says, I see a court battle in Bloomberg’s future.

My NFL thoughts for Week Eight:

Despite a hiccup at Cleveland two weeks ago, the Giants are still the class of the league. They proved that with a come-from-behind victory yesterday against perhaps the second best team in football, the Pittsburgh Steelers. This game was almost everything it was supposed to be.

The Titans have all but ended the Colts reign at the top of the division. Tennessee is 7-0 and they have to be taken seriously.

Helluva game in London yesterday between the Saints and the Chargers. A hundred times better than the embarrassment of the Giants-Dolphins last year. Even without their marquee player New Orleans lit up the scoreboard and even managed to keep San Diego out of the end zone when it mattered. And even though the Chargers are now 3-5, they still can be considered the favorite to win their division. How pathetic is that? At least L.T. is no longer a drag on my fantasy team.

I don’t care about Terrell Owens, don’t care about Randy Moss, don’t talk to me about Larry Fitzgerald or Braylon Edwards. Steve Smith is the best receiver in football period, end of discussion. Don’t believe me, watch the replay of the 65-yard touchdown in which Smith’s heel hovers out-of-bounds without touching the line on his way to the end zone. Unreal.

Seattle finally won another game, spoiling the inauguration of new 49ers head coach Mike Singletary. But Singletary stole the show, benching his starting quarterback before halftime and sending his petulant star tight-end to the locker room with a quarter left to play following a bone-headed personal foul penalty. Players in San Francisco should be on notice. Singletary comes from a tradition of winning. He will expect nothing less from them.

The Raiders allowed 43-yards receiving by Baltimore quarterbacks on Sunday. No, that is not a misprint. I said quarterbacks. Not good. I would advocate dropping them from the league if Cincinnati and Detroit weren’t so much worse.

My Superbowl picks for Week 8: New York Giants vs. Tennessee Titans

CNN anchor Campbell Brown just swore on the Daily Show. I almost missed it, distracted by those razor sharp cheekbones. Those things have got to be fake.

In what easily qualifies as the most bizarre thing I’ve heard this week, scientists have discovered that Scotch tape emits x-rays. Apparently, enough x-rays to produce an image of bone in the fingers. Now before you go throwing out all your Scotch tape, the scientists insist the effect has only observed when the tape was peeled from its roll in a vacuum. But it suddenly makes all those MacGyver gadgets seem a little more realistic, doesn’t it?

Finally, how do you top x-ray emitting Scotch tape? How about this. A Japanese man had his wife arrested last week for “murdering” his online video game avatar after he suddenly “divorced” her avatar in the game. Apparently upset at the divorce, the wife gained access to her husband’s passwords and, while he was off doing something else, hacked into his computer and killed off his avatar. The husband told police he was emotionally distraught and wanted to press charges. Once they finished their guffaw session the police finally decided to charge the wife with computer hacking, since the avatar was obviously not a real person and could not be murdered. No word yet on whether or not the wife has charged her husband with being a jackass and divorced his sorry butt for real.