Where Ya At Eighty-Five?

Everything old is new again.

Remember the good old days of double agents, secret codes and the looming threat of thermo-nuclear war with the Soviet Union? They’re back. (Dun dun dah!) Last Friday, in response to action taken against Russian-backed separatists, Russian aircraft, tanks and heavy artillery rolled across the border into neighboring Georgia and in the space of 24 hours had the Georgians retreating to their capital and begging the international community for help. The only assistance came in the form of supportive language from the United States and offers of mediation from Europe. Not at all what the Georgians were hoping for. In the days since, both Georgia and Russia have agreed to a cease-fire brokered by the French president, but reports from inside Georgia seem to indicate that what Russia is saying and what Russia is doing are two different things.

This afternoon President Bush attempted to throw down the gauntlet to Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, demanding he respect the terms of the cease-fire. Unfortunately Bush forgot he left his gauntlets in Iraq and Afghanistan and Russia countered with an ultimatum: a partner with Russia, or flounder with Georgia. Latest word from Washington is that we will continue to flounder with Georgia.

So, how did this happen? How is it that almost twenty years after the end of the cold war the twentieth century superpowers again find themselves in a standoff over a former Soviet republic? Two words. Oil and gas. The discovery, exploitation and nationalization of fossil fuels combined with the astronomical and ever-increasing price of said resources has given new life to the once faltering state, providing them with the confidence to challenge the world to take a stand against them. The irony of course is that it is our insatiable consumption of those very resources that enable them to challenge us.

By the way, the Games of the 29th Olympiad began in Beijing last Friday. Since the close of a spectacular opening ceremonies, the United States has completely cleaned up in the pool (obliterating world records with every victory), China has dominated in every variation of diving and gymnastics, Australia has put up respectable numbers, while Canada sits pretty in 77th place with 0 medals. That’s right, 0 medals. I know we’ve never been known as a Summer Olympics powerhouse, but 0 medals? Really? Azerbaijan has more medals than we do. Countries without vowels in their names have more medals than we do. I think I read somewhere that the United States spent more money on their beach volleyball program than Canada spent on all it’s Olympic athletes combined. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but if it’s even remotely accurate, it’s pretty pathetic. If you don’t want to win, don’t bother showing up.

Former presidential candidate John Edwards admitted he had an affair with a movie producer while his wife was battling cancer. The National Enquirer had been floating the story for months, but the rest of the media didn’t take it seriously until Edwards made the admission in an interview with Chris Matthews this week. Conservative-leaning pundits, along with senior advisors to Senator Clinton’s presidential campaign immediately accused the media of intentionally burring the story to benefit the presumed Democratic nominee. Clinton’s advisors claim that if the affair had been exposed prior to the Iowa caucuses, Edwards’ supporters would have shifted to Clinton and she would have won that first contest. I think they might be trying to jump Springfield gorge on a skateboard with that assertion. There were two reasons most of the media didn’t pick up the story. First, they didn’t want to run with a story from the National Enquirer. And second, Elizabeth Edwards is a likeable woman, terminally ill with cancer. Why make her life more miserable? Sometimes the simplest explanation is the right one.

Ardent supporters of Senator Hillary Clinton have filed a petition with the DNC demanding that Clinton’s name be put to the floor for a vote at the convention three weeks from now. Thought claiming to fully support Senator Obama, Clinton has done nothing to dissuade this action, more-or-less encouraging it in several discussions and town hall meetings with supporters. There is a reason she merely suspended her campaign, retaining control over her delegates. I say there’s a 51% chance this convention turns into a nationally televised disaster.

Last week a military tribunal at Guantanamo Bay rendered a split decision as to the guilt of Osama bin Laden’s driver. Shortly after that, they returned a sentence of 5 1/2 years minus time served for Salim Hamdan. As a result, Hamdan should be released back to his family in Yemen in about six months. But that isn’t going to happen. Regardless of the sentence returned by the tribunal, the U.S. government still considers Hamdan an enemy combatant, which means he will remain right where he is until hell freezes over. When is a victory not a victory?

Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick continues to assert himself as the laughing stock of the Motor City. And in a city home to the Detroit Lions, that’s no small feat. Kilpatrick, who is awaiting a hearing from the governor regarding his removal from office, violated the terms of his bond (issued for assaulting an officer attempting to serve him with a subpoena) by paying a visit to the primary witness in the case – his sister. I uses we get the government we deserve, right?

Headline found on CNN.com yesterday: Girl Slides 78’ on Ketchup. Uh huh. She run out of mustard? A little mayo mixed in probably would have scored her those two extra feet. WHY IS THIS NEWS!

Finally, Cincinnati Bengals superstar wide receiver Chad Johnson has reportedly initiated proceedings to have his last name officially changed to “Ocho Cinco.” Prior to the start of a game early last year, (before the Bengals started losing all their games), Johnson – who wears number 85, wore a patch over the name on his jersey bearing the Spanish words for “eight five”. The powers that be that control the “No Fun League” took notice of this and fined him a ridiculous amount of money. So, to avoid being fined again, Chad has decided to beat the commissioner at his own game. While amusing, this certainly isn’t the brightest thing Johnson has done. His contract will be up in a couple years. What will happen when Ocho Cinco goes to another team and has to wear number 83? Ocho Tres doesn’t have the same ring to it.