Batter Up

Welcome to the big top.

The Democratic National Convention begins today, 19 months after this long arduous process began. But I have four more days to talk about that. So, here are my pre-convention thoughts for the week gone by.

I’ve said before that this election is a referendum on Barack Obama. I stand by that statement, but I’d like to amend it a little. This election is also a referendum on the American voter. Do I live in a country where people realize the embodiment of the American dream when they see it? Or do I live in a place where a candidate’s poll numbers are boosted by his admission that he doesn’t know how many houses he owns? I hope it’s the former. I fear it’s the latter.

Most regular people would feel stupid sitting on someone’s lawn tethered by coaxial cables to a satellite truck with a camera and a microphone, waiting for the first sign of motion through a veiled glass window. Of course, cable news reporters are not regular people. After going through such an ordeal, most regular people would simply refuse to go through it again less than a week later. Cable news reporters scoff in the faces of regular people, and are at this very minute prepping their tents and pre-ordering their lattes for their stakeouts at the homes of McCain’s potential vice presidential selections. If the vice presidential selections don’t matter worth a damn, why camp out on lawns to cover the story? Score normal people one, cable news reporters, zero.

What’s wrong with the following headline; “Senator Ted Kennedy will make a surprise appearance at the Democratic Convention tonight.” It’s okay, I’ll give you a moment. Note to the media, if you tell everyone he’s coming, it’s not a surprise, is it. Yeeesh.

Today is the 50th anniversary of instant ramen noodles. That’s right, the magical miracle sustenance of college students everywhere simply didn’t spring forth from a tree in a garden somewhere, they were invented by a man. A great man. A great, hungry man.

Country music superstar - and all-around curly-haired hottie Carrie Underwood reportedly claims that ex-beau - and goofy smiling Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo still calls her. Romo’s current squeeze, country music novice and NFL playoff jinx Jessica Simpson says that’s a bunch of hooey, and that her doppelganger can take those phantom phone calls and stick ‘em where the sun don’t shine. Any chance I can get this on pay-per-view? Somebody call Don King.

Rachel Nichols does not look good in high definition. Neither does Tony Kornheiser.

Some of you may have noticed the olympics ended over the weekend. All things considered, the games went pretty well. Props to DirecTV for broadcasting sports other than gymnastics and beach volleyball. Congratulations to the Australian diving team for thwarting the host nation’s attempt at diving perfection. Way to go Japan for doing the impossible and handing the U.S. women’s softball team its first international loss since 2000. And kudos to the U.S. men’s basketball team for reclaiming their spot as the basketball capital of the world. Note to the Canadian hockey team: anything less than gold in Vancouver in 2010 is unacceptable. Good luck.

Finally, this just in. Unbelievable, earth-shattering football news. The Miami Dolphins have named the newly signed, former New York Jet, Chad Pennington their starting quarterback. Word is he beat out an actual dolphin for the job. That dolphin doesn’t know how lucky he is.