Double Shot

Nothing says road trip like a little decapitation, am I right?

One evening last week on a Greyhound bus about 20 miles west of Winnipeg, some idiot let go of reality, stabbed a guy 50 times and proceeded to remove his head. Believe it or not, that isn’t the most disturbing part of the story. There were 37 passengers on that bus, including the victim and the killer. That means that 35 people woke up to blood-curdling screams, say a man being stabbed to death and his head severed from his body and did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING but brush past that grizzly scene in a mad scramble to get off the bus. One moron armed with a knife (not a gun, or a bomb) somehow managed to intimidate 35 sorry, pathetic human beings into watching him decapitate another human being from the side of the highway. I sincerely hope these shinning examples of humanity never find themselves in a life-threatening situation in desperate need of help from someone else. Because if they are any indication of the mettle of the average man, they won’t fare any better than the poor soul they left to die on the bus. I’m sure they all have excuses. I’d make one up too. I’d be too embarrassed to show my face in public knowing that the rest of the world knew I watched a man die and did nothing but slap my hands to my cheeks and say, “Oh my God it was awful.” I hope this moment haunts each of those individuals every single day for the rest of their miserable lives. I’m sure it won’t. But I hope it does. They give good people - if there are any left - a bad name.

Senators Barack Obama and John McCain each spent the past several days talking energy policy. McCain wants to drill wells off-shore and build 32 nuclear power plants over the next 22 years. (Apparently he plans on becoming the first six-term president.) Obama wants $1,000 rebates funded by a windfall profits tax and a million plug-in hybrids by 2010. They’ve spent endless hours and countless sound-bites beating each other over the head with flip-flopping charges when the truth is, they’re both partially correct. The world economy - and the U.S. economy in particular - is built entirely around oil. That isn’t going to change over night. So, in the short term, we are going to need to explore for, locate, extract and refine more petroleum products. There is no shame in admitting that. But the twenty-first century cannot and will not be powered by petroleum. It is simply too harmful to both our lifestyles and the environment. Clean, renewable energy must be the wave of the future. And because energy resources are so costly and take so long to develop, it cannot be left up to the free market to decide when to take a serious look at them. For every dollar we spend on petroleum-related programs and incentives, we need to put four dollars into research and development of clean, renewable energy. Nuclear power needs to be included in that portfolio. But it would be irresponsible to throw resources behind new power plants without addressing the very real issue of very hazardous nuclear waste. And keep in mind that the same people pushing nuclear power would be pacing up and down in front of their state legislature with picket signs reading, “Not In My Back Yard!” Whether the issue is reactor construction or windmill construction, there is no longer any room for the NIMBY mentality in America. We have an energy crisis that requires multiple solutions, not multiple attack ads.

Instead of engaging in meaningful discussion, the McCain campaign mocked Senator Obama’s suggestion that properly inflated tires can have a significant impact on fuel economy. Instead of acknowledging that every automotive-related industry or agency from the NTSB to automobile manufactures to NASCAR have previously made statements affirming Obama’s suggestion, they decided to pass out tire pressure gauges to rally attendees and ridicule the idea as liberal gibberish. It’s not the first time agents of a particular political persuasion have done something like this. In fact, celebrating ignorance has become something of a pattern for the Grand Old Party. Intelligent, educated individuals are routinely labeled elitist and dismissed as living in a fantasy world, with nothing of value to offer, while often under-educated ill-informed individuals referred to as “the folks” are exalted as the vanguard of the republic. Unfortunately, “the folks,” don’t have time for complexity, to thoroughly examine an issue or research a candidate or follow a particular train of thought to it’s logical conclusion. If a candidate can’t be reduced to a “regular guy,” or if an issue can’t be reduced to “if it doesn’t fit, you must acquit,” they aren’t interested in that elitist and his or her flowery rhetoric. Intelligent people understand that most of the issues that so divide this country simply cannot be reduced to bumper sticker slogans, and actually require nuanced solutions. Since we end up with so few nuanced solutions, is it reasonable to assume intelligent people aren’t running the country?

This afternoon a military tribunal at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba convicted Osama bin Laden’s former driver Salim Hamdan of providing material support to terrorists, (transporting a surface-to-air missile in the trunk of his car), while acquitting him of conspiracy to commit terrorist acts. He is yet to be sentenced. Is it possible that in spite of everything that’s wrong with the Guantanamo proceedings, the military jury has actually managed to successfully split the baby down the middle? Is it?

A new poll indicates that people now feel they have seen too much of Barack Obama in the media. Isn’t that exactly what the media does? Find a money-maker and beat it into the ground?

After 16 seasons, the Green Bay Packers have decided to part ways with Number 4. This is the dumbest football decision I think I’ve ever heard - for both parties. Do the Packers really believe they are better off with Aaron Rodgers than with Brett Favre? And does Brett Favre really believe he will be better off with the over-the-hill rumored trade partner Tampa Bay Buccaneers (where are your Buccin’ ears?) than with the 13-3 Green Bay Packers? This can only end in tears. THIS JUST IN. Favre has been traded to the New York Jets. This can only end in tears.

The FBI announced today that they have broken up an international identity theft ring responsible for the theft of over 41 million credit card numbers. If there is anyone out there who still believes that technology is making us safer, how much more evidence of your folly do you need?

Finally, Espresso Gone Wild, a bikini-clad barista drive-thru coffee shop in Washington State has been ordered closed by the county in which it resides. It seems as though while “pasties Tuesdays” were a big hit with customers, some county residents decided the ladies’ attire violated their community standards and threatened their children’s futures and had the establishment shut down. (Does anyone see the irony in parents who more-than-likely allow their children to play Grand Theft Auto and watch anything on the CW being afraid of swimsuit-clad economics majors corrupting their children while serving them double shots of espresso?) Understandably, loyal patrons are upset at the coffee-stand closing. But for those who still crave some muffins with their coffee, the original Espresso Gone Wild drive-thru remains open and thriving a few minutes away in an adjoining county. Word is they are planning a bikini car wash before the end of the summer. Drive-thru coffee and a car wash? How long does it take to drive to Washington?