We Don't Need No Stinkin' Badges.

I’ll see your invasion, and raise you some empty rhetoric.

Last week, Russia agreed to the terms of a French-brokered cease-fire with Georgia. Terms of said cease-fire included a Russian withdrawal of troops from occupied areas of Georgia. As of Wednesday this week, no withdrawal has taken place. In fact, Russia has continued to move military hardware into occupied territories, scuttle Georgian warships and arrest Georgian soldiers. The United States, its NATO allies, and presidential hopeful John McCain continue to try to play hardball without a bat, blustering about how Russia needs to abide by the terms of the cease-fire, or else. Dun dun dah! Or else what? We’ll go to war with them? Is McCain really advocating combat with the former Soviet Union? The only other nuclear superpower? Maybe I shouldn’t question his judgement or his foreign policy experience. No one else has.

In a related story, petrified by a resurgent Russian bear, Poland finally agreed yesterday to allow U.S. interceptor missiles to be placed on Polish soil, drawing the ire of the Russian government. Secretary of State Rice claims Russia has nothing to be worried about since the interceptors are designed to guard against missiles fired from Iran. The Russian foreign minister astutely pointed out that missiles aren’t installed on tracks and can be retargeted at a moment’s notice. As a result, his country claims it will reconsider the targeting of its land-based nuclear weapons. Echoes of Cuba circa 1963? Unfortunately, George Bush is no Jack Kennedy.

Could someone please explain to me why in poll after poll, voters give John McCain credit for being more astute at foreign policy than senator Obama? On what basis are these points awarded? Because he was held prisoner in Vietnam? Because he throws around words like “winning” and “victory” with now indication of what those words mean or how they would be accomplished? I realize that voters are lazy, and they like immensely complex issues to be reduced to one word slogans so they don’t actually have to think about the answer. But is it really too much to ask to realize that a slogan is not a solution. When asked how he would deal with evil, McCain answers, “defeat it.” How? Punch for it? Blow it up? Beat it with a stick? When he is asked how he will end the war in Iraq he answers, “win it.” How? Kill them all? Nuke the country? Increase their shipments of cigarettes until they all die of lung cancer? McCain responds to each and every foreign policy issue with a vapid two word bumper sticker slogan bolstered by good old-fashioned Toby Keith American bravado, which is somehow interpreted by voters as foreign policy cache. WAKE UP PEOPLE! This is real life, not a John Wayne film!

With less than a week to go before the Democratic convention, John McCain seems to have erased the slim lead Barack Obama had in the polls, reducing it to well within the margin of error. Why? Two words. Negative advertising. Because voters lie. In every single election cycle voters claim to detest negative ads and deny they have any effect on their opinion of the candidate. Yet once the ads start to roll, the attacker’s poll numbers rise and the defender’s poll numbers fall. Courtesy of an interminable Democratic primary campaign, McCain has taken a page from the Hillary Clinton playbook and has been bludgeoning Obama with accusations he isn’t experienced enough, American enough or patriotic enough to be president, going so far as to insinuate that Obama is guilty of treason, preferring to win an election over a war. (Interesting that a guy born in Panama gets away with questioning the “Americanism” of a guy born in the State of Hawaii, yet still proclaim him American enough to be guilty of selling out his country.) But, there are two unique factors in play this year that have not been present before. McCain’s negative ad blitz has come prior to the cut-off point after which McCain will be restricted to the use of $84 million in public funds. To this point McCain has significantly outspent Obama in advertising dollars. That may not be able to continue after the conventions. The other interesting note is that while Obama’s poll numbers fluctuate up and down in response to the advertising, McCain’s numbers remain pretty much the same - between 42% and 44%. Regardless of what he does, McCain seems unable to gain any traction, reinforcing the fact that this is Obama’s election to win or lose.

You may not have noticed, but V.P. hysteria has consumed the media. If senators McCain or Obama stop for coffee in a battleground state, the media spends 50% of the news cycle trying to decipher which flavor indicates a leaning to which potential V.P. candidate. All this while continuing to proclaim that the selection amounts to nothing more than “a warm bucket of spit” in the grand scheme of things. If the selection is so meaningless, then for the love of all things great and small, STOP TALKING ABOUT IT! Note to cable news: reporting that McCain MIGHT reveal his vice presidential nomination on his birthday is drivel, not news. When you have a fact, let us know. Until then, SHUT UP! Comedian John Stewart noted in his book “America” that only about 7 minutes of news happens every day. The rest is filler. Nothing illustrates this better than the coverage of the “veepstakes.”

Pakistani President Pervez Musharaff resigned this past weekend, rather than face impeachment. Gotta admit, didn’t see that one coming. Thought for sure he would force them to impeach him. Surprised he gave up without a fight. And he didn’t even score any action from Monica Lewinsky. He is certainly no Bill Clinton.

By the way, the Olympics are still going on. The American’s are cleaning up on the volleyball court, the Chinese are taking golds like candy from babies, and Jamaica owns the track, headlined by one 6’-5” record-smashing sprinter Usain Bolt. Bolt shattered Michael Johnson’s “unbreakable” 200 meter record with no one else in the frame with him at the finish line, and set a ridiculous mark of 9.69 seconds in the 100 meter sprint while showboating the final 20 meters. Guess this makes up for the bobsled team in Calgary in ’88. And speaking of Calgary, Canada finally won a medal! In trampoline. Trampoline is an Olympic sport? Really?

A recent demographic study indicates that minorities will be a majority in the United States by 2040. That statistic is a little misleading, as no single minority group will come close to overtaking non-Hispanic whites at 48% of the population. Never-the-less, the xenophobes emerged from the woodwork, fretting over “the browning of America.” If American’s could be more concerned with what this country acted like, instead of what it looked like, we might be better off.

Finally, television talk show host and prominent lesbian Ellen DeGeneres, legally married her long-time girlfriend and good-looking woman Portia de Rossi in a ceremony in California over the weekend. The two will enjoy marital bliss for at least another 75 days, until California votes on wether or not to pass a Constitutional Amendment defining marriage as a union between a man and a woman. I still have trouble understanding what Portia sees in Ellen, (yes, we’re all on a first name basis), but, if it really isn’t any of my business, is it. If things don’t work out in California, they can always live happily ever after in Massachusetts - at least until Portia leaves Ellen for a younger woman.