Welcome to the big top.
The Democratic National Convention begins today, 19 months after this long arduous process began. But I have four more days to talk about that. So, here are my pre-convention thoughts for the week gone by.
I’ve said before that this election is a referendum on Barack Obama. I stand by that statement, but I’d like to amend it a little. This election is also a referendum on the American voter. Do I live in a country where people realize the embodiment of the American dream when they see it? Or do I live in a place where a candidate’s poll numbers are boosted by his admission that he doesn’t know how many houses he owns? I hope it’s the former. I fear it’s the latter.
Most regular people would feel stupid sitting on someone’s lawn tethered by coaxial cables to a satellite truck with a camera and a microphone, waiting for the first sign of motion through a veiled glass window. Of course, cable news reporters are not regular people. After going through such an ordeal, most regular people would simply refuse to go through it again less than a week later. Cable news reporters scoff in the faces of regular people, and are at this very minute prepping their tents and pre-ordering their lattes for their stakeouts at the homes of McCain’s potential vice presidential selections. If the vice presidential selections don’t matter worth a damn, why camp out on lawns to cover the story? Score normal people one, cable news reporters, zero.
What’s wrong with the following headline; “Senator Ted Kennedy will make a surprise appearance at the Democratic Convention tonight.” It’s okay, I’ll give you a moment. Note to the media, if you tell everyone he’s coming, it’s not a surprise, is it. Yeeesh.
Today is the 50th anniversary of instant ramen noodles. That’s right, the magical miracle sustenance of college students everywhere simply didn’t spring forth from a tree in a garden somewhere, they were invented by a man. A great man. A great, hungry man.
Country music superstar - and all-around curly-haired hottie Carrie Underwood reportedly claims that ex-beau - and goofy smiling Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo still calls her. Romo’s current squeeze, country music novice and NFL playoff jinx Jessica Simpson says that’s a bunch of hooey, and that her doppelganger can take those phantom phone calls and stick ‘em where the sun don’t shine. Any chance I can get this on pay-per-view? Somebody call Don King.
Rachel Nichols does not look good in high definition. Neither does Tony Kornheiser.
Some of you may have noticed the olympics ended over the weekend. All things considered, the games went pretty well. Props to DirecTV for broadcasting sports other than gymnastics and beach volleyball. Congratulations to the Australian diving team for thwarting the host nation’s attempt at diving perfection. Way to go Japan for doing the impossible and handing the U.S. women’s softball team its first international loss since 2000. And kudos to the U.S. men’s basketball team for reclaiming their spot as the basketball capital of the world. Note to the Canadian hockey team: anything less than gold in Vancouver in 2010 is unacceptable. Good luck.
Finally, this just in. Unbelievable, earth-shattering football news. The Miami Dolphins have named the newly signed, former New York Jet, Chad Pennington their starting quarterback. Word is he beat out an actual dolphin for the job. That dolphin doesn’t know how lucky he is.
8.26.2008
8.21.2008
We Don't Need No Stinkin' Badges.
I’ll see your invasion, and raise you some empty rhetoric.
Last week, Russia agreed to the terms of a French-brokered cease-fire with Georgia. Terms of said cease-fire included a Russian withdrawal of troops from occupied areas of Georgia. As of Wednesday this week, no withdrawal has taken place. In fact, Russia has continued to move military hardware into occupied territories, scuttle Georgian warships and arrest Georgian soldiers. The United States, its NATO allies, and presidential hopeful John McCain continue to try to play hardball without a bat, blustering about how Russia needs to abide by the terms of the cease-fire, or else. Dun dun dah! Or else what? We’ll go to war with them? Is McCain really advocating combat with the former Soviet Union? The only other nuclear superpower? Maybe I shouldn’t question his judgement or his foreign policy experience. No one else has.
In a related story, petrified by a resurgent Russian bear, Poland finally agreed yesterday to allow U.S. interceptor missiles to be placed on Polish soil, drawing the ire of the Russian government. Secretary of State Rice claims Russia has nothing to be worried about since the interceptors are designed to guard against missiles fired from Iran. The Russian foreign minister astutely pointed out that missiles aren’t installed on tracks and can be retargeted at a moment’s notice. As a result, his country claims it will reconsider the targeting of its land-based nuclear weapons. Echoes of Cuba circa 1963? Unfortunately, George Bush is no Jack Kennedy.
Could someone please explain to me why in poll after poll, voters give John McCain credit for being more astute at foreign policy than senator Obama? On what basis are these points awarded? Because he was held prisoner in Vietnam? Because he throws around words like “winning” and “victory” with now indication of what those words mean or how they would be accomplished? I realize that voters are lazy, and they like immensely complex issues to be reduced to one word slogans so they don’t actually have to think about the answer. But is it really too much to ask to realize that a slogan is not a solution. When asked how he would deal with evil, McCain answers, “defeat it.” How? Punch for it? Blow it up? Beat it with a stick? When he is asked how he will end the war in Iraq he answers, “win it.” How? Kill them all? Nuke the country? Increase their shipments of cigarettes until they all die of lung cancer? McCain responds to each and every foreign policy issue with a vapid two word bumper sticker slogan bolstered by good old-fashioned Toby Keith American bravado, which is somehow interpreted by voters as foreign policy cache. WAKE UP PEOPLE! This is real life, not a John Wayne film!
With less than a week to go before the Democratic convention, John McCain seems to have erased the slim lead Barack Obama had in the polls, reducing it to well within the margin of error. Why? Two words. Negative advertising. Because voters lie. In every single election cycle voters claim to detest negative ads and deny they have any effect on their opinion of the candidate. Yet once the ads start to roll, the attacker’s poll numbers rise and the defender’s poll numbers fall. Courtesy of an interminable Democratic primary campaign, McCain has taken a page from the Hillary Clinton playbook and has been bludgeoning Obama with accusations he isn’t experienced enough, American enough or patriotic enough to be president, going so far as to insinuate that Obama is guilty of treason, preferring to win an election over a war. (Interesting that a guy born in Panama gets away with questioning the “Americanism” of a guy born in the State of Hawaii, yet still proclaim him American enough to be guilty of selling out his country.) But, there are two unique factors in play this year that have not been present before. McCain’s negative ad blitz has come prior to the cut-off point after which McCain will be restricted to the use of $84 million in public funds. To this point McCain has significantly outspent Obama in advertising dollars. That may not be able to continue after the conventions. The other interesting note is that while Obama’s poll numbers fluctuate up and down in response to the advertising, McCain’s numbers remain pretty much the same - between 42% and 44%. Regardless of what he does, McCain seems unable to gain any traction, reinforcing the fact that this is Obama’s election to win or lose.
You may not have noticed, but V.P. hysteria has consumed the media. If senators McCain or Obama stop for coffee in a battleground state, the media spends 50% of the news cycle trying to decipher which flavor indicates a leaning to which potential V.P. candidate. All this while continuing to proclaim that the selection amounts to nothing more than “a warm bucket of spit” in the grand scheme of things. If the selection is so meaningless, then for the love of all things great and small, STOP TALKING ABOUT IT! Note to cable news: reporting that McCain MIGHT reveal his vice presidential nomination on his birthday is drivel, not news. When you have a fact, let us know. Until then, SHUT UP! Comedian John Stewart noted in his book “America” that only about 7 minutes of news happens every day. The rest is filler. Nothing illustrates this better than the coverage of the “veepstakes.”
Pakistani President Pervez Musharaff resigned this past weekend, rather than face impeachment. Gotta admit, didn’t see that one coming. Thought for sure he would force them to impeach him. Surprised he gave up without a fight. And he didn’t even score any action from Monica Lewinsky. He is certainly no Bill Clinton.
By the way, the Olympics are still going on. The American’s are cleaning up on the volleyball court, the Chinese are taking golds like candy from babies, and Jamaica owns the track, headlined by one 6’-5” record-smashing sprinter Usain Bolt. Bolt shattered Michael Johnson’s “unbreakable” 200 meter record with no one else in the frame with him at the finish line, and set a ridiculous mark of 9.69 seconds in the 100 meter sprint while showboating the final 20 meters. Guess this makes up for the bobsled team in Calgary in ’88. And speaking of Calgary, Canada finally won a medal! In trampoline. Trampoline is an Olympic sport? Really?
A recent demographic study indicates that minorities will be a majority in the United States by 2040. That statistic is a little misleading, as no single minority group will come close to overtaking non-Hispanic whites at 48% of the population. Never-the-less, the xenophobes emerged from the woodwork, fretting over “the browning of America.” If American’s could be more concerned with what this country acted like, instead of what it looked like, we might be better off.
Finally, television talk show host and prominent lesbian Ellen DeGeneres, legally married her long-time girlfriend and good-looking woman Portia de Rossi in a ceremony in California over the weekend. The two will enjoy marital bliss for at least another 75 days, until California votes on wether or not to pass a Constitutional Amendment defining marriage as a union between a man and a woman. I still have trouble understanding what Portia sees in Ellen, (yes, we’re all on a first name basis), but, if it really isn’t any of my business, is it. If things don’t work out in California, they can always live happily ever after in Massachusetts - at least until Portia leaves Ellen for a younger woman.
Last week, Russia agreed to the terms of a French-brokered cease-fire with Georgia. Terms of said cease-fire included a Russian withdrawal of troops from occupied areas of Georgia. As of Wednesday this week, no withdrawal has taken place. In fact, Russia has continued to move military hardware into occupied territories, scuttle Georgian warships and arrest Georgian soldiers. The United States, its NATO allies, and presidential hopeful John McCain continue to try to play hardball without a bat, blustering about how Russia needs to abide by the terms of the cease-fire, or else. Dun dun dah! Or else what? We’ll go to war with them? Is McCain really advocating combat with the former Soviet Union? The only other nuclear superpower? Maybe I shouldn’t question his judgement or his foreign policy experience. No one else has.
In a related story, petrified by a resurgent Russian bear, Poland finally agreed yesterday to allow U.S. interceptor missiles to be placed on Polish soil, drawing the ire of the Russian government. Secretary of State Rice claims Russia has nothing to be worried about since the interceptors are designed to guard against missiles fired from Iran. The Russian foreign minister astutely pointed out that missiles aren’t installed on tracks and can be retargeted at a moment’s notice. As a result, his country claims it will reconsider the targeting of its land-based nuclear weapons. Echoes of Cuba circa 1963? Unfortunately, George Bush is no Jack Kennedy.
Could someone please explain to me why in poll after poll, voters give John McCain credit for being more astute at foreign policy than senator Obama? On what basis are these points awarded? Because he was held prisoner in Vietnam? Because he throws around words like “winning” and “victory” with now indication of what those words mean or how they would be accomplished? I realize that voters are lazy, and they like immensely complex issues to be reduced to one word slogans so they don’t actually have to think about the answer. But is it really too much to ask to realize that a slogan is not a solution. When asked how he would deal with evil, McCain answers, “defeat it.” How? Punch for it? Blow it up? Beat it with a stick? When he is asked how he will end the war in Iraq he answers, “win it.” How? Kill them all? Nuke the country? Increase their shipments of cigarettes until they all die of lung cancer? McCain responds to each and every foreign policy issue with a vapid two word bumper sticker slogan bolstered by good old-fashioned Toby Keith American bravado, which is somehow interpreted by voters as foreign policy cache. WAKE UP PEOPLE! This is real life, not a John Wayne film!
With less than a week to go before the Democratic convention, John McCain seems to have erased the slim lead Barack Obama had in the polls, reducing it to well within the margin of error. Why? Two words. Negative advertising. Because voters lie. In every single election cycle voters claim to detest negative ads and deny they have any effect on their opinion of the candidate. Yet once the ads start to roll, the attacker’s poll numbers rise and the defender’s poll numbers fall. Courtesy of an interminable Democratic primary campaign, McCain has taken a page from the Hillary Clinton playbook and has been bludgeoning Obama with accusations he isn’t experienced enough, American enough or patriotic enough to be president, going so far as to insinuate that Obama is guilty of treason, preferring to win an election over a war. (Interesting that a guy born in Panama gets away with questioning the “Americanism” of a guy born in the State of Hawaii, yet still proclaim him American enough to be guilty of selling out his country.) But, there are two unique factors in play this year that have not been present before. McCain’s negative ad blitz has come prior to the cut-off point after which McCain will be restricted to the use of $84 million in public funds. To this point McCain has significantly outspent Obama in advertising dollars. That may not be able to continue after the conventions. The other interesting note is that while Obama’s poll numbers fluctuate up and down in response to the advertising, McCain’s numbers remain pretty much the same - between 42% and 44%. Regardless of what he does, McCain seems unable to gain any traction, reinforcing the fact that this is Obama’s election to win or lose.
You may not have noticed, but V.P. hysteria has consumed the media. If senators McCain or Obama stop for coffee in a battleground state, the media spends 50% of the news cycle trying to decipher which flavor indicates a leaning to which potential V.P. candidate. All this while continuing to proclaim that the selection amounts to nothing more than “a warm bucket of spit” in the grand scheme of things. If the selection is so meaningless, then for the love of all things great and small, STOP TALKING ABOUT IT! Note to cable news: reporting that McCain MIGHT reveal his vice presidential nomination on his birthday is drivel, not news. When you have a fact, let us know. Until then, SHUT UP! Comedian John Stewart noted in his book “America” that only about 7 minutes of news happens every day. The rest is filler. Nothing illustrates this better than the coverage of the “veepstakes.”
Pakistani President Pervez Musharaff resigned this past weekend, rather than face impeachment. Gotta admit, didn’t see that one coming. Thought for sure he would force them to impeach him. Surprised he gave up without a fight. And he didn’t even score any action from Monica Lewinsky. He is certainly no Bill Clinton.
By the way, the Olympics are still going on. The American’s are cleaning up on the volleyball court, the Chinese are taking golds like candy from babies, and Jamaica owns the track, headlined by one 6’-5” record-smashing sprinter Usain Bolt. Bolt shattered Michael Johnson’s “unbreakable” 200 meter record with no one else in the frame with him at the finish line, and set a ridiculous mark of 9.69 seconds in the 100 meter sprint while showboating the final 20 meters. Guess this makes up for the bobsled team in Calgary in ’88. And speaking of Calgary, Canada finally won a medal! In trampoline. Trampoline is an Olympic sport? Really?
A recent demographic study indicates that minorities will be a majority in the United States by 2040. That statistic is a little misleading, as no single minority group will come close to overtaking non-Hispanic whites at 48% of the population. Never-the-less, the xenophobes emerged from the woodwork, fretting over “the browning of America.” If American’s could be more concerned with what this country acted like, instead of what it looked like, we might be better off.
Finally, television talk show host and prominent lesbian Ellen DeGeneres, legally married her long-time girlfriend and good-looking woman Portia de Rossi in a ceremony in California over the weekend. The two will enjoy marital bliss for at least another 75 days, until California votes on wether or not to pass a Constitutional Amendment defining marriage as a union between a man and a woman. I still have trouble understanding what Portia sees in Ellen, (yes, we’re all on a first name basis), but, if it really isn’t any of my business, is it. If things don’t work out in California, they can always live happily ever after in Massachusetts - at least until Portia leaves Ellen for a younger woman.
8.14.2008
Where Ya At Eighty-Five?
Everything old is new again.
Remember the good old days of double agents, secret codes and the looming threat of thermo-nuclear war with the Soviet Union? They’re back. (Dun dun dah!) Last Friday, in response to action taken against Russian-backed separatists, Russian aircraft, tanks and heavy artillery rolled across the border into neighboring Georgia and in the space of 24 hours had the Georgians retreating to their capital and begging the international community for help. The only assistance came in the form of supportive language from the United States and offers of mediation from Europe. Not at all what the Georgians were hoping for. In the days since, both Georgia and Russia have agreed to a cease-fire brokered by the French president, but reports from inside Georgia seem to indicate that what Russia is saying and what Russia is doing are two different things.
This afternoon President Bush attempted to throw down the gauntlet to Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, demanding he respect the terms of the cease-fire. Unfortunately Bush forgot he left his gauntlets in Iraq and Afghanistan and Russia countered with an ultimatum: a partner with Russia, or flounder with Georgia. Latest word from Washington is that we will continue to flounder with Georgia.
So, how did this happen? How is it that almost twenty years after the end of the cold war the twentieth century superpowers again find themselves in a standoff over a former Soviet republic? Two words. Oil and gas. The discovery, exploitation and nationalization of fossil fuels combined with the astronomical and ever-increasing price of said resources has given new life to the once faltering state, providing them with the confidence to challenge the world to take a stand against them. The irony of course is that it is our insatiable consumption of those very resources that enable them to challenge us.
By the way, the Games of the 29th Olympiad began in Beijing last Friday. Since the close of a spectacular opening ceremonies, the United States has completely cleaned up in the pool (obliterating world records with every victory), China has dominated in every variation of diving and gymnastics, Australia has put up respectable numbers, while Canada sits pretty in 77th place with 0 medals. That’s right, 0 medals. I know we’ve never been known as a Summer Olympics powerhouse, but 0 medals? Really? Azerbaijan has more medals than we do. Countries without vowels in their names have more medals than we do. I think I read somewhere that the United States spent more money on their beach volleyball program than Canada spent on all it’s Olympic athletes combined. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but if it’s even remotely accurate, it’s pretty pathetic. If you don’t want to win, don’t bother showing up.
Former presidential candidate John Edwards admitted he had an affair with a movie producer while his wife was battling cancer. The National Enquirer had been floating the story for months, but the rest of the media didn’t take it seriously until Edwards made the admission in an interview with Chris Matthews this week. Conservative-leaning pundits, along with senior advisors to Senator Clinton’s presidential campaign immediately accused the media of intentionally burring the story to benefit the presumed Democratic nominee. Clinton’s advisors claim that if the affair had been exposed prior to the Iowa caucuses, Edwards’ supporters would have shifted to Clinton and she would have won that first contest. I think they might be trying to jump Springfield gorge on a skateboard with that assertion. There were two reasons most of the media didn’t pick up the story. First, they didn’t want to run with a story from the National Enquirer. And second, Elizabeth Edwards is a likeable woman, terminally ill with cancer. Why make her life more miserable? Sometimes the simplest explanation is the right one.
Ardent supporters of Senator Hillary Clinton have filed a petition with the DNC demanding that Clinton’s name be put to the floor for a vote at the convention three weeks from now. Thought claiming to fully support Senator Obama, Clinton has done nothing to dissuade this action, more-or-less encouraging it in several discussions and town hall meetings with supporters. There is a reason she merely suspended her campaign, retaining control over her delegates. I say there’s a 51% chance this convention turns into a nationally televised disaster.
Last week a military tribunal at Guantanamo Bay rendered a split decision as to the guilt of Osama bin Laden’s driver. Shortly after that, they returned a sentence of 5 1/2 years minus time served for Salim Hamdan. As a result, Hamdan should be released back to his family in Yemen in about six months. But that isn’t going to happen. Regardless of the sentence returned by the tribunal, the U.S. government still considers Hamdan an enemy combatant, which means he will remain right where he is until hell freezes over. When is a victory not a victory?
Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick continues to assert himself as the laughing stock of the Motor City. And in a city home to the Detroit Lions, that’s no small feat. Kilpatrick, who is awaiting a hearing from the governor regarding his removal from office, violated the terms of his bond (issued for assaulting an officer attempting to serve him with a subpoena) by paying a visit to the primary witness in the case – his sister. I uses we get the government we deserve, right?
Headline found on CNN.com yesterday: Girl Slides 78’ on Ketchup. Uh huh. She run out of mustard? A little mayo mixed in probably would have scored her those two extra feet. WHY IS THIS NEWS!
Finally, Cincinnati Bengals superstar wide receiver Chad Johnson has reportedly initiated proceedings to have his last name officially changed to “Ocho Cinco.” Prior to the start of a game early last year, (before the Bengals started losing all their games), Johnson – who wears number 85, wore a patch over the name on his jersey bearing the Spanish words for “eight five”. The powers that be that control the “No Fun League” took notice of this and fined him a ridiculous amount of money. So, to avoid being fined again, Chad has decided to beat the commissioner at his own game. While amusing, this certainly isn’t the brightest thing Johnson has done. His contract will be up in a couple years. What will happen when Ocho Cinco goes to another team and has to wear number 83? Ocho Tres doesn’t have the same ring to it.
Remember the good old days of double agents, secret codes and the looming threat of thermo-nuclear war with the Soviet Union? They’re back. (Dun dun dah!) Last Friday, in response to action taken against Russian-backed separatists, Russian aircraft, tanks and heavy artillery rolled across the border into neighboring Georgia and in the space of 24 hours had the Georgians retreating to their capital and begging the international community for help. The only assistance came in the form of supportive language from the United States and offers of mediation from Europe. Not at all what the Georgians were hoping for. In the days since, both Georgia and Russia have agreed to a cease-fire brokered by the French president, but reports from inside Georgia seem to indicate that what Russia is saying and what Russia is doing are two different things.
This afternoon President Bush attempted to throw down the gauntlet to Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, demanding he respect the terms of the cease-fire. Unfortunately Bush forgot he left his gauntlets in Iraq and Afghanistan and Russia countered with an ultimatum: a partner with Russia, or flounder with Georgia. Latest word from Washington is that we will continue to flounder with Georgia.
So, how did this happen? How is it that almost twenty years after the end of the cold war the twentieth century superpowers again find themselves in a standoff over a former Soviet republic? Two words. Oil and gas. The discovery, exploitation and nationalization of fossil fuels combined with the astronomical and ever-increasing price of said resources has given new life to the once faltering state, providing them with the confidence to challenge the world to take a stand against them. The irony of course is that it is our insatiable consumption of those very resources that enable them to challenge us.
By the way, the Games of the 29th Olympiad began in Beijing last Friday. Since the close of a spectacular opening ceremonies, the United States has completely cleaned up in the pool (obliterating world records with every victory), China has dominated in every variation of diving and gymnastics, Australia has put up respectable numbers, while Canada sits pretty in 77th place with 0 medals. That’s right, 0 medals. I know we’ve never been known as a Summer Olympics powerhouse, but 0 medals? Really? Azerbaijan has more medals than we do. Countries without vowels in their names have more medals than we do. I think I read somewhere that the United States spent more money on their beach volleyball program than Canada spent on all it’s Olympic athletes combined. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but if it’s even remotely accurate, it’s pretty pathetic. If you don’t want to win, don’t bother showing up.
Former presidential candidate John Edwards admitted he had an affair with a movie producer while his wife was battling cancer. The National Enquirer had been floating the story for months, but the rest of the media didn’t take it seriously until Edwards made the admission in an interview with Chris Matthews this week. Conservative-leaning pundits, along with senior advisors to Senator Clinton’s presidential campaign immediately accused the media of intentionally burring the story to benefit the presumed Democratic nominee. Clinton’s advisors claim that if the affair had been exposed prior to the Iowa caucuses, Edwards’ supporters would have shifted to Clinton and she would have won that first contest. I think they might be trying to jump Springfield gorge on a skateboard with that assertion. There were two reasons most of the media didn’t pick up the story. First, they didn’t want to run with a story from the National Enquirer. And second, Elizabeth Edwards is a likeable woman, terminally ill with cancer. Why make her life more miserable? Sometimes the simplest explanation is the right one.
Ardent supporters of Senator Hillary Clinton have filed a petition with the DNC demanding that Clinton’s name be put to the floor for a vote at the convention three weeks from now. Thought claiming to fully support Senator Obama, Clinton has done nothing to dissuade this action, more-or-less encouraging it in several discussions and town hall meetings with supporters. There is a reason she merely suspended her campaign, retaining control over her delegates. I say there’s a 51% chance this convention turns into a nationally televised disaster.
Last week a military tribunal at Guantanamo Bay rendered a split decision as to the guilt of Osama bin Laden’s driver. Shortly after that, they returned a sentence of 5 1/2 years minus time served for Salim Hamdan. As a result, Hamdan should be released back to his family in Yemen in about six months. But that isn’t going to happen. Regardless of the sentence returned by the tribunal, the U.S. government still considers Hamdan an enemy combatant, which means he will remain right where he is until hell freezes over. When is a victory not a victory?
Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick continues to assert himself as the laughing stock of the Motor City. And in a city home to the Detroit Lions, that’s no small feat. Kilpatrick, who is awaiting a hearing from the governor regarding his removal from office, violated the terms of his bond (issued for assaulting an officer attempting to serve him with a subpoena) by paying a visit to the primary witness in the case – his sister. I uses we get the government we deserve, right?
Headline found on CNN.com yesterday: Girl Slides 78’ on Ketchup. Uh huh. She run out of mustard? A little mayo mixed in probably would have scored her those two extra feet. WHY IS THIS NEWS!
Finally, Cincinnati Bengals superstar wide receiver Chad Johnson has reportedly initiated proceedings to have his last name officially changed to “Ocho Cinco.” Prior to the start of a game early last year, (before the Bengals started losing all their games), Johnson – who wears number 85, wore a patch over the name on his jersey bearing the Spanish words for “eight five”. The powers that be that control the “No Fun League” took notice of this and fined him a ridiculous amount of money. So, to avoid being fined again, Chad has decided to beat the commissioner at his own game. While amusing, this certainly isn’t the brightest thing Johnson has done. His contract will be up in a couple years. What will happen when Ocho Cinco goes to another team and has to wear number 83? Ocho Tres doesn’t have the same ring to it.
8.06.2008
Double Shot
Nothing says road trip like a little decapitation, am I right?
One evening last week on a Greyhound bus about 20 miles west of Winnipeg, some idiot let go of reality, stabbed a guy 50 times and proceeded to remove his head. Believe it or not, that isn’t the most disturbing part of the story. There were 37 passengers on that bus, including the victim and the killer. That means that 35 people woke up to blood-curdling screams, say a man being stabbed to death and his head severed from his body and did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING but brush past that grizzly scene in a mad scramble to get off the bus. One moron armed with a knife (not a gun, or a bomb) somehow managed to intimidate 35 sorry, pathetic human beings into watching him decapitate another human being from the side of the highway. I sincerely hope these shinning examples of humanity never find themselves in a life-threatening situation in desperate need of help from someone else. Because if they are any indication of the mettle of the average man, they won’t fare any better than the poor soul they left to die on the bus. I’m sure they all have excuses. I’d make one up too. I’d be too embarrassed to show my face in public knowing that the rest of the world knew I watched a man die and did nothing but slap my hands to my cheeks and say, “Oh my God it was awful.” I hope this moment haunts each of those individuals every single day for the rest of their miserable lives. I’m sure it won’t. But I hope it does. They give good people - if there are any left - a bad name.
Senators Barack Obama and John McCain each spent the past several days talking energy policy. McCain wants to drill wells off-shore and build 32 nuclear power plants over the next 22 years. (Apparently he plans on becoming the first six-term president.) Obama wants $1,000 rebates funded by a windfall profits tax and a million plug-in hybrids by 2010. They’ve spent endless hours and countless sound-bites beating each other over the head with flip-flopping charges when the truth is, they’re both partially correct. The world economy - and the U.S. economy in particular - is built entirely around oil. That isn’t going to change over night. So, in the short term, we are going to need to explore for, locate, extract and refine more petroleum products. There is no shame in admitting that. But the twenty-first century cannot and will not be powered by petroleum. It is simply too harmful to both our lifestyles and the environment. Clean, renewable energy must be the wave of the future. And because energy resources are so costly and take so long to develop, it cannot be left up to the free market to decide when to take a serious look at them. For every dollar we spend on petroleum-related programs and incentives, we need to put four dollars into research and development of clean, renewable energy. Nuclear power needs to be included in that portfolio. But it would be irresponsible to throw resources behind new power plants without addressing the very real issue of very hazardous nuclear waste. And keep in mind that the same people pushing nuclear power would be pacing up and down in front of their state legislature with picket signs reading, “Not In My Back Yard!” Whether the issue is reactor construction or windmill construction, there is no longer any room for the NIMBY mentality in America. We have an energy crisis that requires multiple solutions, not multiple attack ads.
Instead of engaging in meaningful discussion, the McCain campaign mocked Senator Obama’s suggestion that properly inflated tires can have a significant impact on fuel economy. Instead of acknowledging that every automotive-related industry or agency from the NTSB to automobile manufactures to NASCAR have previously made statements affirming Obama’s suggestion, they decided to pass out tire pressure gauges to rally attendees and ridicule the idea as liberal gibberish. It’s not the first time agents of a particular political persuasion have done something like this. In fact, celebrating ignorance has become something of a pattern for the Grand Old Party. Intelligent, educated individuals are routinely labeled elitist and dismissed as living in a fantasy world, with nothing of value to offer, while often under-educated ill-informed individuals referred to as “the folks” are exalted as the vanguard of the republic. Unfortunately, “the folks,” don’t have time for complexity, to thoroughly examine an issue or research a candidate or follow a particular train of thought to it’s logical conclusion. If a candidate can’t be reduced to a “regular guy,” or if an issue can’t be reduced to “if it doesn’t fit, you must acquit,” they aren’t interested in that elitist and his or her flowery rhetoric. Intelligent people understand that most of the issues that so divide this country simply cannot be reduced to bumper sticker slogans, and actually require nuanced solutions. Since we end up with so few nuanced solutions, is it reasonable to assume intelligent people aren’t running the country?
This afternoon a military tribunal at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba convicted Osama bin Laden’s former driver Salim Hamdan of providing material support to terrorists, (transporting a surface-to-air missile in the trunk of his car), while acquitting him of conspiracy to commit terrorist acts. He is yet to be sentenced. Is it possible that in spite of everything that’s wrong with the Guantanamo proceedings, the military jury has actually managed to successfully split the baby down the middle? Is it?
A new poll indicates that people now feel they have seen too much of Barack Obama in the media. Isn’t that exactly what the media does? Find a money-maker and beat it into the ground?
After 16 seasons, the Green Bay Packers have decided to part ways with Number 4. This is the dumbest football decision I think I’ve ever heard - for both parties. Do the Packers really believe they are better off with Aaron Rodgers than with Brett Favre? And does Brett Favre really believe he will be better off with the over-the-hill rumored trade partner Tampa Bay Buccaneers (where are your Buccin’ ears?) than with the 13-3 Green Bay Packers? This can only end in tears. THIS JUST IN. Favre has been traded to the New York Jets. This can only end in tears.
The FBI announced today that they have broken up an international identity theft ring responsible for the theft of over 41 million credit card numbers. If there is anyone out there who still believes that technology is making us safer, how much more evidence of your folly do you need?
Finally, Espresso Gone Wild, a bikini-clad barista drive-thru coffee shop in Washington State has been ordered closed by the county in which it resides. It seems as though while “pasties Tuesdays” were a big hit with customers, some county residents decided the ladies’ attire violated their community standards and threatened their children’s futures and had the establishment shut down. (Does anyone see the irony in parents who more-than-likely allow their children to play Grand Theft Auto and watch anything on the CW being afraid of swimsuit-clad economics majors corrupting their children while serving them double shots of espresso?) Understandably, loyal patrons are upset at the coffee-stand closing. But for those who still crave some muffins with their coffee, the original Espresso Gone Wild drive-thru remains open and thriving a few minutes away in an adjoining county. Word is they are planning a bikini car wash before the end of the summer. Drive-thru coffee and a car wash? How long does it take to drive to Washington?
One evening last week on a Greyhound bus about 20 miles west of Winnipeg, some idiot let go of reality, stabbed a guy 50 times and proceeded to remove his head. Believe it or not, that isn’t the most disturbing part of the story. There were 37 passengers on that bus, including the victim and the killer. That means that 35 people woke up to blood-curdling screams, say a man being stabbed to death and his head severed from his body and did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING but brush past that grizzly scene in a mad scramble to get off the bus. One moron armed with a knife (not a gun, or a bomb) somehow managed to intimidate 35 sorry, pathetic human beings into watching him decapitate another human being from the side of the highway. I sincerely hope these shinning examples of humanity never find themselves in a life-threatening situation in desperate need of help from someone else. Because if they are any indication of the mettle of the average man, they won’t fare any better than the poor soul they left to die on the bus. I’m sure they all have excuses. I’d make one up too. I’d be too embarrassed to show my face in public knowing that the rest of the world knew I watched a man die and did nothing but slap my hands to my cheeks and say, “Oh my God it was awful.” I hope this moment haunts each of those individuals every single day for the rest of their miserable lives. I’m sure it won’t. But I hope it does. They give good people - if there are any left - a bad name.
Senators Barack Obama and John McCain each spent the past several days talking energy policy. McCain wants to drill wells off-shore and build 32 nuclear power plants over the next 22 years. (Apparently he plans on becoming the first six-term president.) Obama wants $1,000 rebates funded by a windfall profits tax and a million plug-in hybrids by 2010. They’ve spent endless hours and countless sound-bites beating each other over the head with flip-flopping charges when the truth is, they’re both partially correct. The world economy - and the U.S. economy in particular - is built entirely around oil. That isn’t going to change over night. So, in the short term, we are going to need to explore for, locate, extract and refine more petroleum products. There is no shame in admitting that. But the twenty-first century cannot and will not be powered by petroleum. It is simply too harmful to both our lifestyles and the environment. Clean, renewable energy must be the wave of the future. And because energy resources are so costly and take so long to develop, it cannot be left up to the free market to decide when to take a serious look at them. For every dollar we spend on petroleum-related programs and incentives, we need to put four dollars into research and development of clean, renewable energy. Nuclear power needs to be included in that portfolio. But it would be irresponsible to throw resources behind new power plants without addressing the very real issue of very hazardous nuclear waste. And keep in mind that the same people pushing nuclear power would be pacing up and down in front of their state legislature with picket signs reading, “Not In My Back Yard!” Whether the issue is reactor construction or windmill construction, there is no longer any room for the NIMBY mentality in America. We have an energy crisis that requires multiple solutions, not multiple attack ads.
Instead of engaging in meaningful discussion, the McCain campaign mocked Senator Obama’s suggestion that properly inflated tires can have a significant impact on fuel economy. Instead of acknowledging that every automotive-related industry or agency from the NTSB to automobile manufactures to NASCAR have previously made statements affirming Obama’s suggestion, they decided to pass out tire pressure gauges to rally attendees and ridicule the idea as liberal gibberish. It’s not the first time agents of a particular political persuasion have done something like this. In fact, celebrating ignorance has become something of a pattern for the Grand Old Party. Intelligent, educated individuals are routinely labeled elitist and dismissed as living in a fantasy world, with nothing of value to offer, while often under-educated ill-informed individuals referred to as “the folks” are exalted as the vanguard of the republic. Unfortunately, “the folks,” don’t have time for complexity, to thoroughly examine an issue or research a candidate or follow a particular train of thought to it’s logical conclusion. If a candidate can’t be reduced to a “regular guy,” or if an issue can’t be reduced to “if it doesn’t fit, you must acquit,” they aren’t interested in that elitist and his or her flowery rhetoric. Intelligent people understand that most of the issues that so divide this country simply cannot be reduced to bumper sticker slogans, and actually require nuanced solutions. Since we end up with so few nuanced solutions, is it reasonable to assume intelligent people aren’t running the country?
This afternoon a military tribunal at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba convicted Osama bin Laden’s former driver Salim Hamdan of providing material support to terrorists, (transporting a surface-to-air missile in the trunk of his car), while acquitting him of conspiracy to commit terrorist acts. He is yet to be sentenced. Is it possible that in spite of everything that’s wrong with the Guantanamo proceedings, the military jury has actually managed to successfully split the baby down the middle? Is it?
A new poll indicates that people now feel they have seen too much of Barack Obama in the media. Isn’t that exactly what the media does? Find a money-maker and beat it into the ground?
After 16 seasons, the Green Bay Packers have decided to part ways with Number 4. This is the dumbest football decision I think I’ve ever heard - for both parties. Do the Packers really believe they are better off with Aaron Rodgers than with Brett Favre? And does Brett Favre really believe he will be better off with the over-the-hill rumored trade partner Tampa Bay Buccaneers (where are your Buccin’ ears?) than with the 13-3 Green Bay Packers? This can only end in tears. THIS JUST IN. Favre has been traded to the New York Jets. This can only end in tears.
The FBI announced today that they have broken up an international identity theft ring responsible for the theft of over 41 million credit card numbers. If there is anyone out there who still believes that technology is making us safer, how much more evidence of your folly do you need?
Finally, Espresso Gone Wild, a bikini-clad barista drive-thru coffee shop in Washington State has been ordered closed by the county in which it resides. It seems as though while “pasties Tuesdays” were a big hit with customers, some county residents decided the ladies’ attire violated their community standards and threatened their children’s futures and had the establishment shut down. (Does anyone see the irony in parents who more-than-likely allow their children to play Grand Theft Auto and watch anything on the CW being afraid of swimsuit-clad economics majors corrupting their children while serving them double shots of espresso?) Understandably, loyal patrons are upset at the coffee-stand closing. But for those who still crave some muffins with their coffee, the original Espresso Gone Wild drive-thru remains open and thriving a few minutes away in an adjoining county. Word is they are planning a bikini car wash before the end of the summer. Drive-thru coffee and a car wash? How long does it take to drive to Washington?
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