One of These Things Is Not Like the Other

You’ll have to forgive me, I’ve been a little distracted this week. Who would have thought Lego Indiana Jones would be so much fun? Seriously. How was I supposed to know?

This past Saturday (Sabbath, if you’re Jewish, or Seventh-Day Adventist), Hillary Clinton stepped up the the microphone - 35 minutes behind schedule - and finally conceded her primary defeat to Barack Obama. Sort of. In throwing her support behind Obama, Clinton made sure to retain control over all of her nearly 2,000 delegates by suspending her presidential campaign instead of ending it. A distinction with a significant difference. What exactly she plans to do with said delegates, no one knows. I originally thought she was keeping them to leverage Obama into providing her with whatever it is she now desires. But in trying to determine what that could be, I fail to see what she could possibly gain by taking her battle to the convention floor. Making a spectacle of herself and the party on national television serves only to damage both her reputation and the integrity (whatever’s left of it) of the Democratic Party. However, it is difficult to believe she will be doing everything she can to support Obama, as she says she will, while lording her “18 million votes” over the nominee’s head. Whatever the objective, her intentions will become clear over the course of the next several weeks and months as the presidential race takes shape. At least from this point on, the political combatants will be facing off from opposite sides of the fence.

We’ve learned something about John McCain over the past ten days. If this election boils down to communicating ideas through speeches, McCain can pack it in right now. Public speaking is not his strong suit. He’s quiet, monotone and remarkably inexpressive. His opponent is none of those things. The most intelligent thing McCain did during the past week was to challenge Obama to a series of town hall-style meetings, a format much better suited to his conversational style. But even that is not without risk. Obama is no slouch as a conversationalist, and McCain is going to have to work hard to keep from looking like jolly grampa John up there telling war stories and reminiscing about the good old days. I remember those days. I miss those days.

What’s the first thing you think of when you hear the name Paula Jones? You know what, don’t answer that. Just when you thought it was safe to remember the 90s, President Clinton’s former flings Gennifer Flowers and Paula Jones have reared their surgically enhanced faces again. Mistakenly believing they are still relevant, Flowers and Jones have set up a website. Through this website they are attempting to sell themselves - sorry, I mean their stories - to anyone fortunate enough to be living under a rock during the whole impeachment farce. For some reason they believe people will pay $1.99 each for seven minute clips of the two of them discussing their sexual liaisons with the former president in lurid detail. Perhaps there are some masochists out there willing to fork over two dollars for this drivel, but I hope I don’t know any of those people. On some level I find this disgusting, maybe even stomach-churning. For Jones and Flowers to attempt make a nickel off of incidents they at one point labeled sexual harassment is embarrassing at best, horribly despicable at worst and pathetic either way. How long do you suppose it will take for Monica to make a special guest appearance?

Gas prices have hit a new high. Again. The nationwide average for a gallon of regular is now $4.05. Dollars. Not Pesos. It has actually reached the point where people are beginning to alter their behavior. General Motors announced late last week that they are considering discontinuing production of the civilian Hummer brand due to the fact that even people who can afford to purchase this symbol of American excess can no longer justify the cost of dumping fuel into the tank. I have to admit, I will not be sorry to see it go. The first person to point out a positive contribution of the H2 and H3 to this society gets five dollars. (Monopoly money.) Driving through town it’s amusing to see the lengths to which dealers are going to try to move their SUVs off the lots. According to the now ubiquitous energy experts making the rounds on the news and talk show circuits, the demand for oil has been outpacing the supply for many years now. Why did it take American automobile manufacturers so long to figure out they were being left behind? And why did it take so long for them to do anything about it? Chrysler has been manufacturing Flex-Fuel vehicles since at least the early 90s. Why are companies now pretending this is new technology? There is a reason Toyota is poised to be the largest, most-profitable automaker in the world.

Th Midwest is washing away. We may need to rename the Crossroads of America, the Sixth Great Lake Covering What Used To Be Fly-over Country. It would be nice if we could send a little of that rain out to California.

British singer Amy Winehouse (has there ever been a more aptly named celebrity) was caught on videotape singing a racist adaptation of a children's song while drunk out of her mind. Again. Why is this news? If anyone has videotape of Ms. Winehouse doing anything sober, please, don't hold back. That would be newsworthy.

Finally, famous-for-no-good-reason socialite Kim Kardashian told an interviewer that she enjoys being a sex symbol. What moron lied to Kim Kardashian and told her she was a sex symbol? Kim Kardashian is not a sex symbol. She’s merely had sex. There’s a fairly significant difference. Making a fool of yourself in a short skirt on your own “reality” show does not make you a sex symbol. It makes you an embarrassment. Her parents must be so proud.