The Devil Made Me Do It

At this point last week 18 inches of snow was melting in 65 degree January weather, flooding parts of this city. Tomorrow morning I’m going to have to shovel my way out my garage. Somebody give me one good reason to live in the Midwest.

Congratulations to the Patriots, Packers, Chargers and Giants. The experts got at least two - if not three of this weekend’s games wrong. The Kool-Aid ran out on the geniuses predicting a Jacksonville upset of the still perfect New England Patriots. Despite the loss of all three marque offensive players, San Diego strolled into Indianapolis and walked away with their first playoff victory in over a decade. Because of this, and a sluggish Dallas offense, the “wrong” Manning will advance to the Conference Championship game next Sunday. And, in the first playoff snowstorm in Lambeau Field history, Brett Favre tossed touchdowns and snowballs at his receivers in a 22-points clobbering of the previously formidable Seattle Seahawks. I’m not going to make any predictions, but I can tell you one Packer fan’s dream Superbowl scenario. Patriots and Packers meet in a rematch of 1997, the game goes down to the wire, Favre tosses the game winning touchdown with no time left on the clock, his teammates carry him and the trophy off the field on their shoulders and once Favre reaches the parking lot, he drives off into the Arizona sunset a football legend, never to return to the game.

We covered both Iowa and New Hampshire last week, so we won’t revisit them tonight. On the docket this Tuesday is the Michigan primary. In the past the Michigan primary has been largely irrelevant. This year, Democrats decided to change that and disregarding warnings from party leadership, moved the date of their primary up to challenge Iowa and New Hampshire. So this time, during this most important of elections, Michigan’s Democratic primary will mean... absolutely nothing. So congratulations on making Michigan matter to nobody. It’s sad because there are issues significant to the state - and many parts of the country that simply aren’t covered by Iowa and New Hampshire. But, at least one side of that debate will not be recognized thanks to political brinkmanship gone bad. Despite this, the governor is still encouraging citizens to go out and cast their votes tomorrow - for “uncommitted” if the candidate they favor does not appear on the ballot. It’s 26 degrees in Michigan. Nobody’s coming out to vote for “uncommitted”.

This past week there has been some kind of brew ha ha over what Bill & Hillary Clinton may or may not have said about Barack Obama and one Dr. King, and what that says about the state of race relations in this country. I’ve listened to the entire context of the quotes being thrown around and honestly, the facts of the stories are much ado about nothing. But the stories themselves are dangerous to what has so far been a well run and remarkably cordial Democratic campaign. Part of the reason Barack Obama has performed so well in this primary campaign is that he - and his opponents - have avoided making race an issue. In the past, black candidates have insisted on emphasizing their blackness and succeeded in accomplishing nothing but hard feelings. Non-hispanic whites comprise greater than 70% of the population of this country, and for whatever reason, they do not like to talk about race. The subject makes them uncomfortable, and causes them to tune out. If this race becomes about black and white and oppression and reconciliation, Obama can pack his bags and hop a train back to Chicago. The strength of his campaign is that he makes people feel like people - not white people or black people, just people. Deviation from that message will put a premature end to this run at history.

While on the subject of race and politics, some interesting documents were injected into the political debate courtesy of Ron Paul. Maybe. Newsletters published under Ron Paul’s name in the late 1980s and 1990s contain many disparaging remarks about Jews, homosexuals and African Americans. One newsletter from June of 1992, following the Rodney King-related Los Angeles riots, reports that, “order was only restored in L.A. when it came time for the blacks to pick up their welfare checks. Ron Paul has (wisely) distanced himself from the letters, claiming he did not write any of the articles, has “no idea” who did, and has never even read said articles. Must have been the OTHER Ron Paul, Republican congressman from Texas. Now I don’t like to judge people based on things that may or may not have taken place 16 years ago, but someone in Ron Paul’s position needs to be aware of what is being published in his name. If you didn’t issue these newsletters, you should have determined who did and taken steps to prevent them from damaging your reputation. But if you did publish comments of that nature, well, I guess it doesn’t really matter. No one takes you seriously anyway.

In perhaps the most bizarre story of the week, police in Tyler, Texas have charged a 25-year-old man with capital murder after finding his girlfriend’s ear boiling in a pot on his stove with a fork stuck in a piece of her flesh on a plate at the crime scene. It is unclear at this time whether or not the suspect actually consumed any of his girlfriend, but once one has killed and boiled someone else, what difference does it make whether one eats them or not. The damage has already been done. Now, I know some of you might be thinking “what the devil would cause someone to murder, dismember and possibly cannibalize a loved one?” Well, according to the murderer himself, God told him to do it. That’s right, the Creator of the Universe came to him in the middle of the night and said (in a deep, booming, Creator-of-the-Universe voice), “Christopher! Rise from thy slumber, slay thine girlfriend and cook her liver with some fava beans!” A suggestion to prison officials who will enjoy the company of this idiot until the State of Texas can stick the needle in his arm: hide the Bibles and stock up on the lithium. This one’s a real piece of work.

Golf Channel anchor Kelly Tilghman was suspended for two weeks for comments she made regarding the legendary Tiger Woods. The offending phrase was uttered during banter with her co-host Nick Faldo at the Mercedes Benz Championship. In reference to how young golfers might challenge a dominant Woods, Faldo said, “To take Tiger on, well yeah, they should just gang up for a while...”, to which Tilghman interrupted with a chuckle, “Lynch him in a back alley.” (For anyone who doesn’t know, the suggestion of lynching does not sit well with black people.) Almost before the words left her mouth people were calling for Ms. Tilghman’s job and threatening to boycott and picket the Golf Channel until that happens. To her credit, Tilghman immediately fell on her sword and apologized profusely to anyone who would listen - including Tiger Woods. And Tiger subsequently released a statement through his agent confirming the he and Tilghman have been friends for a long time, did not perceive any ill intent in her comments, and considers the remark a non-issue. But that’s not good enough for some folks, who are still demanding her job. I don’t know Kelly Tilghman from the Kelly Bluebook. She may be the sweetest person ever to walk a golf course, I don’t know. But I have to question why the first words that came to her mind in that situation were “lynch him in a back alley”. I think that probably says something about Ms. Tilghman that perhaps she needs to examine. But the slight - intentional or not - was directed specifically at Woods, and if he says the case is closed, then the case is closed. The moral of this story? There are far too many channels on cable television. Come on, the Golf Channel? Seriously? What's next, a Food Network? Television specifically for women?

The Dumbass of the Week award goes to one Adam “Pacman” Jones. You may remember his as the NFL player suspended from the league for repeated altercations with the law - usually taking place in strip clubs. Well, the Pacman is gobbling up some more trouble as he was charged this past week with assaulting a woman - guess where - in a strip club. This guy just doesn’t learn. He does not, cannot, and will not get it. All he has to do is stay out of trouble. It’s not that difficult. Some people manage to leave their whole lives without making a complete fool/felon out of themselves. If you ever find yourself in a strip club, and you happen to see the Pacman wandering in your direction, leave. Immediately. Run - don't walk - to the nearest exit. Nothing good can come from mixing this clown and and naked women. It can only end in tears.

Finally, while we’re discussing nudity, a 26-year-old female high school gym teacher in Coraopolis, Pennsylvania was charged with sending nude pictures of herself and sexually suggestive cell phone messages to a 14-year-old male freshman at her school. The teacher, (who is married of course), sent three pictures of herself (two of them in her birthday suit) by cell phone to the kid, who replied with a risque picture of his own. She is currently being held on $50,000 bond awaiting her preliminary hearing. High school has changed a little since I last attended. The only thing I ever received from a high school teacher - attractive or not, was a grade. There was never any exchange of nudie pictures over the telnet system in the computer lab. I’m pretty sure that sort of thing would never have been tolerated. But, I’m 31 years old. Obviously I’m out of touch with modern teaching methods. What better way to get an adolescent to remember that the capital of Djibouti is Djibouti, than to send him a naked picture of yourself, right? Can’t believe none of my teachers never thought of that.