Walk This Way

It’s been said that the week before the Superbowl is the slowest news week of the year. Yeah, slow like a red-suited kid at the Running of the Bulls.

According to the news reports, the most important story of the past ten days, hands down, was the fact that New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was spotted visiting his uber-model girlfriend Giselle Bunchen’s New York City apartment wearing a walking cast on his right ankle. One could be excused if one found his or herself under the impression that Armageddon was upon us all and the Four Horsemen were galloping down Broadway spewing war, famine, pestilence and death all over Times Square. With the Savior reportedly crippled, the Giants now cling to some glimmer of hope that the game might actually turn in their favor. But a quick review of the videotape evidence reveals one very important factor mysteriously left out of most of the breathless reports. Tom Brady was WALKING! And Tom Brady walking - cast or not – is worth at least three regular human quarterbacks with rocket packs and catapults for arms. If he somehow dies between now and Sunday night, let me know. If not, my money’s on Brady.

The six people out there not deluged with “Bootgate” might have heard that Senator Barack Obama obliterated the competition in last Saturday’s South Carolina Democratic Primary by a whopping 28 points. Like he was Tiger Woods and the other two were John Daly. Analysis of the victory has been mixed. Some see this as a sign that Obama’s candidacy is alive and well and picking up steam heading into February 5th “Tsunami Tuesday.” Other’s see the facts that he swept 83% of the black vote, but picked up only 25% of the white vote as a sign his candidacy doesn’t have a broad enough appeal to win in Southern states. Well, before I offer my evaluation, let’s consider the following. Before his victory in Iowa, Obama trailed Clinton among black voters in South Carolina by about the same margin by which he won this past weekend. That was only a month ago. Also, if exit polling can be considered reliable – and there is no guarantee it can be – Obama has done very well among middle-class, affluent, and college educated whites in each of the previous contests, often surpassing Clinton’s support among said groups. I’ve lived in America for quite some time now. Is it surprising to ANYONE that a bi-racial man named Barack Obama garnered only a quarter of the white vote in a largely poor Southern state where the Confederate flag still flies above the State Capitol? Evaluating his success with white voters based solely on the results of South Carolina does him a great disservice.

Which brings us, sadly, to Bill Clinton. Could someone please explain to me the appeal of this man – especially among minorities? I understand that at some point during the previous millennium he was a polarizing, yet fairly popular president. But that was a long, long time ago, and many things have changed since then. He now comes off as a tottering old fool who speaks before he thinks, and insists on playing politics as usual at a time when the public seems to want anything but politics as usual. Realizing Senator Clinton faced a difficult challenge in South Carolina, the former president decided to lend his expertise to her campaign. America’s “first Black President” attempted to marginalize Senator Obama by painting him as “the black candidate”, knowing such a characterization in a state like South Carolina – and perhaps nationally – would diminish his appeal among white voters. After Obama’s victory Saturday night Clinton was quick to point out that Jesse Jackson won the South Carolina primary in 1984 and 1988, before being soundly defeated in the following round of primaries, clearly attempting to associate Obama and those who would vote for him with a figure a large portion of white America finds shrill and phony at best, distasteful and dangerous at worst. Cleverly smearing the opponent without appearing to smear the opponent is a decent political strategy if you are a nameless, faceless party operative. It’s considerably less impressive when you’ve taken every opportunity to tell any minority who would listen how well you understand what they go through and how much you feel their pain. At this point it should be obvious that the only pain Bill Clinton is feeling is the pain caused by the insertion of his shiny leather shoe into his mouth.

Returning to the theme of presidential primaries, Senator John McCain emerged victorious from Tuesday’s Florida Republican primary with a five-point victory over his closest rival, Mitt Romney. This is a quality win for McCain as the knock against him to this point has been that most of his support came from conservative-leaning independent voters and that he had little support among the core of the Republican Party. Florida’s primary is a closed primary, meaning that only registered Republicans could cast ballots. This would seem to indicate that McCain has at least enough support among party faithful to carry a state with a meaningful amount of delegates. Former Governor Romney has decided he will continue to campaign in hopes that he can pull off enough upsets this coming Tuesday to retake the lead. Florida is, however, the end of the line (a very short line) for former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. With what has now been confirmed as the WORST campaign strategy in the HISTORY of campaign strategies, Giuliani can now return home to his secret underground bunker in New York City and draft anti-terrorism speeches for McCain featuring copious use of references to 9/11.

In case you’re wondering about the results of the Florida Democratic primary, don’t bother. Like Michigan, Florida decided they wanted to make themselves more relevant to the primary process by moving up the date of their primary against the wishes of the Democratic Party. And, just like Michigan, the DNC stripped the state of its delegates, making the new and improved earlier primary, irrelevant and pointless. Of course this has lead to a lot of whining and complaining among voters and pundits alike who feel this is unfair and disenfranchises the voters of that state. On some level, they are correct. Not counting votes disenfranchises the voters who cast them. But you know what? Too bad. Florida knew the rules. They knew the consequences of breaking the rules. Yet, like the two year old who’s told never to touch the hot stove, they went ahead and did it anyway, only to bitch and moan about the smoke pouring from their fingers afterward. Nobody feels sorry for you. In the sometimes indecipherable words of the great Thom Yorke, “You do it to yourself you do / that’s what really hurts / You do it to yourself you do / you and no one else.”

Anyone unfortunate enough not to have cable was probably forced to view some portion of President Bush’s final State of the Union address. I have to admit I watched the first 15 or 20 minutes before switching over to cheating spouses taking lie detector tests on Maury, and was almost completely bored to tears. It was full of the usual stuff; blah blah blah tax cuts, blah blah blah progress, blah blah blah school vouchers, that sort of thing. There was one line that caught my ear though. He promised to issue an executive order instructing all federal agencies to ignore any directives arising from earmarks not voted on and approved by a majority in the House and Senate. I am of the opinion that earmarks are of the devil, so anything that will rid us of that plague earns my vote, but there are several interesting things about this initiative. The idea was greeted with thunderous applause from the gallery – a gallery filled with people who have spent their entire political careers attaching unrelated earmarks to spending bills. Apparently they don’t think the new rules will apply to them. President Bush has gleefully passed bill after bill loaded with earmarks during his six years of a Republican controlled Congress. Why the feeble attempt at frugality only after the opposition takes over? And the effect of this bill would be very similar to the effect of a line item veto – which has been coveted by many a president and already ruled unconstitutional by the Supreme Court. But I guess we shouldn’t be surprised by this White House’s lack of regard for Supreme Court decisions it disagrees with.

In non-political news, golf has returned to the headlines. In January. But that’s okay. All is right with the world, Tiger Woods is back on the course. And, picking up where he left off last season, Tiger strolled into the Buick Invitational this past weekend and rolled out with a 19-under, eight shot victory, tying him with the legendary Arnold Palmer for fourth place on the all-time tour list. Arnold Palmer was 43 went he set his mark. Woods is only 32. Kelly Tilghman couldn't be reached for comment. If there is ANY doubt in ANYONE’S mind that this guy is the greatest golfer EVER to walk the earth, there’s a special place in a sanitarium in Battle Creek waiting just for you.

Finally, for anyone still unsure, a CNN.com headline today confirmed that Britney Spears suffers from mental issues. I for one am absolutely floored by this news. I simply never saw it coming. Who could have anticipated this? I mean, why would anyone assume that prancing about Hollywood without panties in the company of wholesome, positive role models like Paris Hilton, spontaneously shaving ones head and displaying worse parenting skills than some dude named K-Fed might be an indication of mental issues? I wonder how much they paid to make that “medical” evaluation? I'm in the wrong line of work