It’s that time again. You know, that special time of the week when you all drop what you’re doing, scramble to your computers and dial up this blog, eagerly awaiting each word I have so painstakingly written for the weekend wrap-up. Oh, sorry. Must have been daydreaming again. It’s only Monday.
In an absolutely stunning revelation this week, on par with the recent shocker that men prefer hot women to, well, not-so-hot women, studies released late last week show that dogs may have feelings. Well ain’t that some $#*!. Any human being half alive and not named Michael Vick knows dogs have feelings. That goes doubly so for anyone who has a dog for a pet. How many geeks in little white lab coats do we need telling us things we already know? And why are people continuously being paid to tell us what we already know? If you have to pay someone for useless information, pay me.
Former CBS news anchor and living news legend Dan Rather has decided to sue CBS for 70 million dollars over his resignation / dismissal following an ill-researched, ill-vetted, ill-advised story on president Bush’s National Guard service – or lack thereof. Sounds like Mr. Rather is looking to get paid. Maybe he should have listened to Mike Wallace when Mike told everyone at the network that would listen that 60 Minutes 2 was a bad idea. Wonder if CBS needs an intern?
Speaking of president Bush, in a speech last week cattle-prodding Congress to make his domestic spying alterations to the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act permanent, G.B. Jr. made a statement which sounded something like “nobody has to worry about the motivation of the government as it relates to domestic surveillance.” Hmm. Somebody might actually be tempted to take you seriously Mr. President if you didn’t insist on keeping everything you say and do a secret. I’m on some kind of watch list now, aren’t I?
The United Auto Workers Union declared a strike at all General Motors' factories around the country at 11:00 Monday morning after weeks of intense negotiations. What could possibly go wrong with this idea? I’m sure the American automakers – not to mention the state of Michigan – will welcome this development with open arms. Toyota doesn’t even have to compete anymore. They can just stand around and wait for the Big Three and the UAW to cannibalize each other. GM, Ford and Chrysler need to start building cars people want. And the union has to learn – hopefully sooner than later – what every non-union employee in America figured out a long time ago. There is no such thing as job security anymore.
This week's Darwin award goes to a group of idiots in the great swing state of Ohio. A blind man was killed in a single vehicle accident as a result of his friends allowing him to drive an ATV all by himself. Now, I’ve never driven an ATV, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that all terrain vehicles, and the terrain on which they are typically driven, are less than conducive to sightless driving. Yet somehow this man was able to talk several other human beings into letting him drive solo. With friends like those…
Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers was stunned to receive a response to his frivolous lawsuit last Thursday from none other than God himself – twice. Yes, Senator Chambers, an avowed agnostic (hmm, "I swear, I have no idea what I believe!"), had sued the Man Upstairs last week, seeking a permanent injunction against him for making terrorist threats, inspiring fear and causing “widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants.” But in His response, the Almighty indicated that Senator Chambers’ court lacked both the jurisdiction and the ability to serve Him with subpoena. These factors – along with the fact that it might be difficult, oh and silly to file a claim against someone you don’t believe exists – would seem to render the Senator’s lawsuit null and void. The Lord’s filling contained no contact information so he could not be reached for further comment, but it looks like the Alpha and Omega got the last laugh this time. Better luck next time Ernie. Try picking on someone your own size.
The once proud Fighting Irish of Notre Dame are 0 and 4 for the first time in school history. And somehow, by some magical, mystical, end of the rainbow formula, the local media is still convinced that it’s Tyrone Willingham’s fault. It’s not enough that he was unceremoniously fired between the final game of the season and the bowl game, they continue to blame the woes of the football team - three years removed mind you – on what he may or may not have done or looked like on the sideline, despite EVERYONE in the national media pointing out otherwise. That’s right South Bend, blame the black man. And some people wonder why great athletes of a certain ethnicity think twice about coming to school here.
The Canadian dollar reached an historic milestone last week. This past Friday marked the first time in more than 30 years that the affectionately yet stupidly named “loonie” achieved parity with the U.S. dollar. I realize this doesn’t seem like much. Mr. Washington has been so weak against so many currencies lately he might have to relinquish his spot on the bill to Richard Nixon. But the sole reason my parents moved to this country from Canada twelve years ago was because they couldn’t afford to pay my college tuition with the Canadian dollar worth only 60% of the U.S. dollar on a good day. So, if anyone is looking for some one to blame for my presence in this wonderful country, look for Mr. Washington in a wallet near you.
Finally, if anyone is considering becoming a vegan or vegetarian, but just needed a little nudge over the leafy green edge, Alicia Silverstone is now appearing nude in a PETA sponsored television commercial promoting vegetarianism. I’m throwing the chicken nuggets in the trash tonight! Now I know that may not mean anything to the youngsters nowadays, but back when I was growing up so many years ago, Alicia Silverstone was the stuff! Every teenage boy had a poster of either her or Alyssa Milano taped to the inside of their locker along with a folded piece of paper detailing how we would meet her on the set of a music video, fall in love and run away to live by the ocean in the mansion she bought with the money she made from Clueless. Seriously. It wasn’t just me. I know of at least three other people…
9.25.2007
9.24.2007
I Am Somebody
Well, the Sunday night football game is bordering on depressing, (sorry Kristina), so I figured I’d move on to something slightly less so. How about politics. (Hey, the key word was slightly.)
So far I’ve tried to avoid discussing election politics, due to the fact that the election still more than a year away. But something caught my eye this past Thursday that tweaked me the wrong way. It wasn’t the first time I’d noticed the comment, but I guess Thursday must have been a slow day because here I am talking about it now.
Last Thursday thousands of people rolled into Jena Louisiana to protest the treatment of six black teenagers charged in the beating of a white classmate. A few days before the rally, everyone’s favorite activist, the Reverend Jesse Jackson made a statement critical of Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama for essentially what amounted to Obama’s refusal to turn himself into a screaming raving lunatic denouncing the situation in Jena and leading the march with pitchfork and torch in hand.
Again, I don’t want to give much time to election politics as it is still 2007, but I do want to make this point. If people who claim to support Obama’s candidacy are looking for a way to destroy their candidate, turn him into an angry black activist. News flash people, the angry black man has not, does not and will not ever play well in national politics. This shouldn’t come as a surprise to any activist – they’ve been running the same game for thirty-plus years and will admit to any one who will listen that they are still fighting for the same things now that they were back then. But sometimes the vision of the activist is so myopic he is unable to picture anything outside of the bright red bulls-eye on the chest of their target. If African-Americans are waiting for a black activist president, they are going to be waiting for an awful long time.
I am in no way suggesting that black people should simply roll over in the face of real or perceived injustice. There is a place for the angry black man in the body politic. He can bring attention to issues; bring face and focus to injustice. But rarely – if ever – can he affect lasting institutional change. To accomplish that you need someone on the inside. Someone who can be trusted by and work together with those who hold the power. Barack Obama is the first black presidential candidate with a semi-legitimate chance to be that inside man. Transforming him from a serious, clean cut, clear thinking, likable and, God forgive me, well-spoken candidate into an angry black man is a sure-fire way to run a positive, well-orchestrated campaign straight into the ground.
What’s the definition of insanity? Repeatedly performing the same action while expecting a different result? For far too many years civil right leaders have employed the same tactics, usually with the same results. Let’s face it. If the old ways were working, we would be fighting different battles now. How about we try something different. How about a change of course. Instead of endlessly beating on the walls of the fortress, why not try opening the drawbridge from inside.
So far I’ve tried to avoid discussing election politics, due to the fact that the election still more than a year away. But something caught my eye this past Thursday that tweaked me the wrong way. It wasn’t the first time I’d noticed the comment, but I guess Thursday must have been a slow day because here I am talking about it now.
Last Thursday thousands of people rolled into Jena Louisiana to protest the treatment of six black teenagers charged in the beating of a white classmate. A few days before the rally, everyone’s favorite activist, the Reverend Jesse Jackson made a statement critical of Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama for essentially what amounted to Obama’s refusal to turn himself into a screaming raving lunatic denouncing the situation in Jena and leading the march with pitchfork and torch in hand.
Again, I don’t want to give much time to election politics as it is still 2007, but I do want to make this point. If people who claim to support Obama’s candidacy are looking for a way to destroy their candidate, turn him into an angry black activist. News flash people, the angry black man has not, does not and will not ever play well in national politics. This shouldn’t come as a surprise to any activist – they’ve been running the same game for thirty-plus years and will admit to any one who will listen that they are still fighting for the same things now that they were back then. But sometimes the vision of the activist is so myopic he is unable to picture anything outside of the bright red bulls-eye on the chest of their target. If African-Americans are waiting for a black activist president, they are going to be waiting for an awful long time.
I am in no way suggesting that black people should simply roll over in the face of real or perceived injustice. There is a place for the angry black man in the body politic. He can bring attention to issues; bring face and focus to injustice. But rarely – if ever – can he affect lasting institutional change. To accomplish that you need someone on the inside. Someone who can be trusted by and work together with those who hold the power. Barack Obama is the first black presidential candidate with a semi-legitimate chance to be that inside man. Transforming him from a serious, clean cut, clear thinking, likable and, God forgive me, well-spoken candidate into an angry black man is a sure-fire way to run a positive, well-orchestrated campaign straight into the ground.
What’s the definition of insanity? Repeatedly performing the same action while expecting a different result? For far too many years civil right leaders have employed the same tactics, usually with the same results. Let’s face it. If the old ways were working, we would be fighting different battles now. How about we try something different. How about a change of course. Instead of endlessly beating on the walls of the fortress, why not try opening the drawbridge from inside.
9.18.2007
Orange Smoothies
I’m sorry; you’ll have to excuse me this week. I think I’ve had an inverted Rip Van Winkle moment. I went to bed last night in September 2007 and woke up this morning in January 1995. The headlines haven’t changed. Unfortunately I neither look nor feel eighteen again. Go figure.
Yes folks, today’s word is “Juice”. That’s right, the one and only O.J. Simpson is back in the news. Never one to repeat the same mistake twice (unless you count the Naked Gun, Naked Gun 2 1/2 and Naked Gun 33 1/3) Simpson has traded in knives and bloody gloves for guns and sports memorabilia. However, being the savvy marketer he is, O.J. knows it’s the sound bite that really sells. So this time, instead of a recorded phone call from a Bronco during a slow speed chase, the Juice was kind enough to provide us with audio of an expletive-laced tirade directed toward several guys in a Vegas hotel room in possession of items he says are rightfully his.
I don’t know what’s worse. The fact that a (acquitted) murderer was caught on tape threatening a couple morons, or the fact that 12 years after the kangaroo court murder trial, O.J. Simpson is somehow still a searing pain in the collective ass of America. The Juice is rancid people. Pour it down the drain and get a new jug. Didn’t Britney Spears do anything we can rip on this weekend?
President Bush announced his nominee for Attorney General this morning. Some retired dude from New York. Yawn. Sigh. Somebody wake me up when this administration is over.
In what has to be the most amusing story of the weekend – if not the entire year, animal expert and Tonight Show regular Jack Hanna found himself detained for a short time at the Ohio State University Airport in Columbus. Of course by detained I mean stuck in an airport security turnstile with an 11-month-old pink flamingo – in a crate. Fortunately, the mongoose and the leopard that were also with him waited until Hanna was squished between the crate and the bars with his eyes bugging out in panic before jumping up and down, pointing and laughing hysterically. Hanna eventually managed to slither free of the turnstile and hike to a nearby fire station for help in retrieving the flustered, frustrated flamingo. In a remarkable display of restraint, the fire department was kind enough to log the incident as merely a “flamingo rescue”, instead of “geezer forces square crate into round gate and begs us to bail his sorry ass out.” Let this be a lesson to all you kids out there. Always pack your waterfowl in your checked baggage when you fly. That way, if it someone else gets it stuck in a security turnstile, you can be the one lobbing derogatory comments.
Word on the street is that a significant number of people (mostly young males between 18 and 35) have requested days off work in anticipation of the release of Halo 3 later this month. If any of you fit this description, keep the following story in mind when you’re on the fifth double cheese pizza, twelfth bag of Cheetos and scheduling that second bathroom break for the cinematic story sequence. A Chinese man died of apparent exhaustion at an Internet café following a three-day non-stop gaming binge. Paramedics attempted to revive the man but were unable to do so. They did however note the café was unusually empty when they arrived to offer their assistance. Sad that it takes a death in the room to get people off the computer and back out into the “real” world. And what does that say about the six people who remained hard at game, barely noticing anything was wrong? You know, there’s a reason they put power buttons on those things. Use it!
Finally, the New England Patriots received a spanking from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell following the videotaping cheating scandal exposed by the New York Jets early last week. “Patriotgate” will cost the team and its personnel a total of $750,000 and either a first or a second and third round draft picks. Neither this nor that fact that they couldn’t cheat again for at least a week seemed to matter one iota as they systematically dissected the cocky, trash-talking Superbowl-bound (just ask them) San Diego Chargers on Sunday night, in a game that was over pretty much before it started. During his post-game interview quarterback Tom Brady was asked if the events of the week were a distraction to any of the players. Brady responded something to the effect of, “What are you, an idiot? Didn’t you not just see us beat these clowns like rented mules in front of 70,000 people? Man, if I wasn’t just so damn sexy and good lookin’ I’d X Post Y Slugo Z Double Cross Sprint Right all over LT’s MVP backside right now.” Come on Tom. You’ve got three Superbowl rings, the entire city of Boston, oh, and Giselle Bundchen – and both her sisters. At least leave the rest of us with some measure of dignity.
Yes folks, today’s word is “Juice”. That’s right, the one and only O.J. Simpson is back in the news. Never one to repeat the same mistake twice (unless you count the Naked Gun, Naked Gun 2 1/2 and Naked Gun 33 1/3) Simpson has traded in knives and bloody gloves for guns and sports memorabilia. However, being the savvy marketer he is, O.J. knows it’s the sound bite that really sells. So this time, instead of a recorded phone call from a Bronco during a slow speed chase, the Juice was kind enough to provide us with audio of an expletive-laced tirade directed toward several guys in a Vegas hotel room in possession of items he says are rightfully his.
I don’t know what’s worse. The fact that a (acquitted) murderer was caught on tape threatening a couple morons, or the fact that 12 years after the kangaroo court murder trial, O.J. Simpson is somehow still a searing pain in the collective ass of America. The Juice is rancid people. Pour it down the drain and get a new jug. Didn’t Britney Spears do anything we can rip on this weekend?
President Bush announced his nominee for Attorney General this morning. Some retired dude from New York. Yawn. Sigh. Somebody wake me up when this administration is over.
In what has to be the most amusing story of the weekend – if not the entire year, animal expert and Tonight Show regular Jack Hanna found himself detained for a short time at the Ohio State University Airport in Columbus. Of course by detained I mean stuck in an airport security turnstile with an 11-month-old pink flamingo – in a crate. Fortunately, the mongoose and the leopard that were also with him waited until Hanna was squished between the crate and the bars with his eyes bugging out in panic before jumping up and down, pointing and laughing hysterically. Hanna eventually managed to slither free of the turnstile and hike to a nearby fire station for help in retrieving the flustered, frustrated flamingo. In a remarkable display of restraint, the fire department was kind enough to log the incident as merely a “flamingo rescue”, instead of “geezer forces square crate into round gate and begs us to bail his sorry ass out.” Let this be a lesson to all you kids out there. Always pack your waterfowl in your checked baggage when you fly. That way, if it someone else gets it stuck in a security turnstile, you can be the one lobbing derogatory comments.
Word on the street is that a significant number of people (mostly young males between 18 and 35) have requested days off work in anticipation of the release of Halo 3 later this month. If any of you fit this description, keep the following story in mind when you’re on the fifth double cheese pizza, twelfth bag of Cheetos and scheduling that second bathroom break for the cinematic story sequence. A Chinese man died of apparent exhaustion at an Internet café following a three-day non-stop gaming binge. Paramedics attempted to revive the man but were unable to do so. They did however note the café was unusually empty when they arrived to offer their assistance. Sad that it takes a death in the room to get people off the computer and back out into the “real” world. And what does that say about the six people who remained hard at game, barely noticing anything was wrong? You know, there’s a reason they put power buttons on those things. Use it!
Finally, the New England Patriots received a spanking from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell following the videotaping cheating scandal exposed by the New York Jets early last week. “Patriotgate” will cost the team and its personnel a total of $750,000 and either a first or a second and third round draft picks. Neither this nor that fact that they couldn’t cheat again for at least a week seemed to matter one iota as they systematically dissected the cocky, trash-talking Superbowl-bound (just ask them) San Diego Chargers on Sunday night, in a game that was over pretty much before it started. During his post-game interview quarterback Tom Brady was asked if the events of the week were a distraction to any of the players. Brady responded something to the effect of, “What are you, an idiot? Didn’t you not just see us beat these clowns like rented mules in front of 70,000 people? Man, if I wasn’t just so damn sexy and good lookin’ I’d X Post Y Slugo Z Double Cross Sprint Right all over LT’s MVP backside right now.” Come on Tom. You’ve got three Superbowl rings, the entire city of Boston, oh, and Giselle Bundchen – and both her sisters. At least leave the rest of us with some measure of dignity.
9.13.2007
Mmm... Donuts...
Remember what it was like to be young? Sleeping in late, staying up later, bribing your sister to do your chores, downing six cheeseburgers in one day. What’s that? You’ve never downed six cheeseburgers in one day? Why not? What do you mean downing six cheeseburgers a day will leave you looking like the Michelin Man? What were you doing with your childhood?
Apparently you knew things that kids in Arkansas did not – until about four years ago. That was when the state’s school began sending home obesity report cards. These report cards listed the child’s weight, body mass index and information regarding healthy eating and exercise. The government took this extraordinary step when they woke up one morning and realized that Arkansas was the third fattest state in the nation. There are plenty of lists upon which ranking third is almost as good as being first or second. I’m pretty sure this isn’t one of them.
The program appeared to be working. Since the creation of the report card system Arkansas has steadily reduced the amount of overweight or at risk children. One would think it might not be necessary to put in writing what should be obvious to anyone with at least one eyeball. Arkansas – like the rest of America - has a serious problem with obesity. Too many people eat too much food, get too little exercise, and weight far too damn much. All this extra mass is overloading our already fragile healthcare system with too many cases of high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, asthma, and other sicknesses responsible for prematurely ending the lives of too many people. Any idiot can see that.
The truth hurts, doesn’t it. Too much for state legislators. Beginning this school year the state decided to reduce the number of student weigh-ins and make it much easier to parents and students to opt out of the program. It seems they feel that informing children they are grossly overweight and might be causing permanent damage to themselves (according to an AP article some kids didn’t know it was a problem) would hurt their feelings, damage their fragile adolescent self-esteem. Unfortunately, the parents most likely to keep their kids out of the program are the kids who need the most help.
In the interests of full disclosure, I am overweight. Not obese (although it feels that way sometimes – usually after lunch on Thursday at the Chinese buffet), but certainly heavier than I should be. Does it hurt my feelings? A little. Especially when I notice I am the heaviest of my little circle of friends. But you know what’s worse? The fact that I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life to combat my high blood pressure. It’s finally annoyed me to the point that I decided to do something about it. So I purchased myself a few exercise items and started working out. Slowly for now – don’t want to rupture a disc halfway through my sit-up regiment. But I’ve been doing several little things for the past few months and to this point I’ve lost about fifteen pounds and started to develop muscle definition I didn’t know I had.
I understand every parent wants their child to feel good about themselves, regardless of their weight and shape. But please understand just how much immense a problem obesity is. And be honest with them as well. Nothing will make them feel worse than doing nothing to correct the problem only to find themselves ten years from now, stumbling around the kitchen clutching their chests with both hands, desperately searching for the bottle of aspirin to combat the crippling pain of the heart attack they’re suffering. I think that given the choice they would opt for a little social discomfort during their high school years to prevent much greater pain later on in life. In fact, they’re children, they shouldn’t be given the option not to. Parents should make sure that the health and well being of their children should take precedence over their self-esteem. Healthy active children will find it much easier to build self-esteem than the kid who can’t make it to first base without collapsing in the dirt halfway there. Do them a favor. Take the Ding Dongs and the potato chips out of the shopping cart and force-feed them a carrot. They might hate you now, but believe me, they will thank you later. So will the person who has to sit next to them in the window seat on that eight-hour trans-Atlantic flight.
Apparently you knew things that kids in Arkansas did not – until about four years ago. That was when the state’s school began sending home obesity report cards. These report cards listed the child’s weight, body mass index and information regarding healthy eating and exercise. The government took this extraordinary step when they woke up one morning and realized that Arkansas was the third fattest state in the nation. There are plenty of lists upon which ranking third is almost as good as being first or second. I’m pretty sure this isn’t one of them.
The program appeared to be working. Since the creation of the report card system Arkansas has steadily reduced the amount of overweight or at risk children. One would think it might not be necessary to put in writing what should be obvious to anyone with at least one eyeball. Arkansas – like the rest of America - has a serious problem with obesity. Too many people eat too much food, get too little exercise, and weight far too damn much. All this extra mass is overloading our already fragile healthcare system with too many cases of high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, asthma, and other sicknesses responsible for prematurely ending the lives of too many people. Any idiot can see that.
The truth hurts, doesn’t it. Too much for state legislators. Beginning this school year the state decided to reduce the number of student weigh-ins and make it much easier to parents and students to opt out of the program. It seems they feel that informing children they are grossly overweight and might be causing permanent damage to themselves (according to an AP article some kids didn’t know it was a problem) would hurt their feelings, damage their fragile adolescent self-esteem. Unfortunately, the parents most likely to keep their kids out of the program are the kids who need the most help.
In the interests of full disclosure, I am overweight. Not obese (although it feels that way sometimes – usually after lunch on Thursday at the Chinese buffet), but certainly heavier than I should be. Does it hurt my feelings? A little. Especially when I notice I am the heaviest of my little circle of friends. But you know what’s worse? The fact that I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life to combat my high blood pressure. It’s finally annoyed me to the point that I decided to do something about it. So I purchased myself a few exercise items and started working out. Slowly for now – don’t want to rupture a disc halfway through my sit-up regiment. But I’ve been doing several little things for the past few months and to this point I’ve lost about fifteen pounds and started to develop muscle definition I didn’t know I had.
I understand every parent wants their child to feel good about themselves, regardless of their weight and shape. But please understand just how much immense a problem obesity is. And be honest with them as well. Nothing will make them feel worse than doing nothing to correct the problem only to find themselves ten years from now, stumbling around the kitchen clutching their chests with both hands, desperately searching for the bottle of aspirin to combat the crippling pain of the heart attack they’re suffering. I think that given the choice they would opt for a little social discomfort during their high school years to prevent much greater pain later on in life. In fact, they’re children, they shouldn’t be given the option not to. Parents should make sure that the health and well being of their children should take precedence over their self-esteem. Healthy active children will find it much easier to build self-esteem than the kid who can’t make it to first base without collapsing in the dirt halfway there. Do them a favor. Take the Ding Dongs and the potato chips out of the shopping cart and force-feed them a carrot. They might hate you now, but believe me, they will thank you later. So will the person who has to sit next to them in the window seat on that eight-hour trans-Atlantic flight.
9.11.2007
Zoom Zoom
Finally! No more freakin' baseball! That’s right folks, football season has arrived! Since this was opening weekend, and absolutely nothing else happened this weekend, this weekend’s wrap up might be a little football heavy. But that’s okay. Nothing wrong with that. Let’s get the other stuff out of the way first.
What’s a weekend without a little gay sex. After deciding he would not resign from office, then changing his mind and deciding he would, Senator Larry Craig has re-decided he may not resign from the Senate after all… maybe… depending on whether or not he can revoke the guilty plea he filed in Minnesota. A plea that he said he agreed to solely in the hopes the incident would go away. Seems like Larry’s got more waffles than a box of Eggos. His lawyer, Billy Martin, (who in some bizarre stroke of karma also happens to represent one Michael Vick) said that his client was not thinking clearly at the time of the incident, and that Craig’s plea was “not knowing and intelligent and therefore was in violation of his constitutional rights at the time of his arrest.” Hmm. So, while completely insane, Craig waived his right to an attorney and proceeded to plead guilty to a lesser charge in order to avoid having the somewhat embarrassing fact that he was soliciting sex in an airport bathroom from being publicly revealed in court. I guess crazy just ain’t what it used to be.
Queen of the World, Oprah Winfrey, held a fund-raiser for presidential candidate Barak Obama at her estate in California this past weekend. From the names on the guest list it is apparent that every black person who is anyone in America – and Cindy Crawford – dropped $2,300 a plate to schmooze with Oprah and the candidate/rock star himself. The event reportedly netted over $3 million for the Beat-Down Hilary War Chest and signals Oprah’s intention to throw her weight (no pun intended) behind the Obama campaign. Overheard at a taping of the Oprah Winfrey Show: “Hey everybody, welcome to the show! If everyone would just take a minute to look under their seats you’ll find the keys to a brand new Lexus SUV, complete with ‘I Love Obama’ bumper sticker, an iPod Nano which plays the Obama campaign music video and a portable GPS device with directions to your nearest polling station!”
General David Petraeus delivered testimony to congress today regarding the state of the war in Iraq. The verdict? Same old, same old. Progress is being made. Ask anyone in this administration how the war is going and they’ll tell you progress is being made. In fact, so much progress has been made that starting this Friday, the administration will officially replace the five-dollar bill with progress. That’s right people, a hot dog and soda at the game this weekend is now going to cost you progress and 45 cents.
I just saw a commercial for the seven passenger Mazda CX-9 SUV depicting a whopping two people (one adult and two six-year-olds) in the vehicle. Nice to see them maxing out their product’s potential. I guess I shouldn’t complain. Showing two passengers in the commercial is a two hundred percent improvement over some of their previous ads.
The one-woman circus that is Britney Spears (barely) showed up at the MTV Video Music Awards this past Sunday out of shape, out of sync, and in her underwear. At least she wore her underwear. Maybe that’s what caused the fisticuffs between has-been Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee and should-never-have-been Kid Rock. Mix in one Justin Timberlake’s lament that MTV’s fondness for mind-numbing reality shows make it difficult for him to bring his sexy back and you really have to wonder why absolutely no one bothered to watch this programming tragedy, don’t you?
At last, to football. I find myself wrapped up in no less than three fantasy football leagues this year, and opening weekend has been disastrous for me in all three. That’s right people, I am on the verge of being a three-time loser, with five of my first six draft choices (top two in each league) scored a combined total of ten points. So much for draft strategy.
The Turd of the Week award – if there were to be such a thing – goes to all 77,000 New York Jets fans who actually cheered a serious injury to their starting quarterback. It was like all the Eagles fans took a wrong turn at I-95, turned up in New Jersey, saw a bunch of guys in green and white jerseys and decided to do what Philly fans do best. Sad that these are the clowns Jets fans have chosen to emulate. Thank God none of them made it up to Buffalo.
Opening weekend confirmed several things for anyone who still had doubts. Indianapolis, New England, and San Diego are championship contenders. Too bad they’re all in the same Conference. Thanks to a rejuvenated defense, Seattle may not be the lame duck everyone seemed to think they were. Carolina’s offense may have finally gotten it together to make a run in the NFC South in the face of the stumbling Saints. No matter how many touchdowns he throws, “Mr. Carrie Underwood” Tony Romo may never live down the season-ending botched hold in the playoffs last year. For one week at least, the Detroit Lions are winners, and the Raiders are… well… still the Raiders. If only the Chicago Bears had quarterback – or even a monkey with a number spray-painted on its back. Oh and somebody please call the NCAA and see if we can swap the Falcons and Browns for USC and LSU. How else are the fans in Atlanta and Cleveland ever going to witness a victory this year? Brady, Brady, Brady!
What’s a weekend without a little gay sex. After deciding he would not resign from office, then changing his mind and deciding he would, Senator Larry Craig has re-decided he may not resign from the Senate after all… maybe… depending on whether or not he can revoke the guilty plea he filed in Minnesota. A plea that he said he agreed to solely in the hopes the incident would go away. Seems like Larry’s got more waffles than a box of Eggos. His lawyer, Billy Martin, (who in some bizarre stroke of karma also happens to represent one Michael Vick) said that his client was not thinking clearly at the time of the incident, and that Craig’s plea was “not knowing and intelligent and therefore was in violation of his constitutional rights at the time of his arrest.” Hmm. So, while completely insane, Craig waived his right to an attorney and proceeded to plead guilty to a lesser charge in order to avoid having the somewhat embarrassing fact that he was soliciting sex in an airport bathroom from being publicly revealed in court. I guess crazy just ain’t what it used to be.
Queen of the World, Oprah Winfrey, held a fund-raiser for presidential candidate Barak Obama at her estate in California this past weekend. From the names on the guest list it is apparent that every black person who is anyone in America – and Cindy Crawford – dropped $2,300 a plate to schmooze with Oprah and the candidate/rock star himself. The event reportedly netted over $3 million for the Beat-Down Hilary War Chest and signals Oprah’s intention to throw her weight (no pun intended) behind the Obama campaign. Overheard at a taping of the Oprah Winfrey Show: “Hey everybody, welcome to the show! If everyone would just take a minute to look under their seats you’ll find the keys to a brand new Lexus SUV, complete with ‘I Love Obama’ bumper sticker, an iPod Nano which plays the Obama campaign music video and a portable GPS device with directions to your nearest polling station!”
General David Petraeus delivered testimony to congress today regarding the state of the war in Iraq. The verdict? Same old, same old. Progress is being made. Ask anyone in this administration how the war is going and they’ll tell you progress is being made. In fact, so much progress has been made that starting this Friday, the administration will officially replace the five-dollar bill with progress. That’s right people, a hot dog and soda at the game this weekend is now going to cost you progress and 45 cents.
I just saw a commercial for the seven passenger Mazda CX-9 SUV depicting a whopping two people (one adult and two six-year-olds) in the vehicle. Nice to see them maxing out their product’s potential. I guess I shouldn’t complain. Showing two passengers in the commercial is a two hundred percent improvement over some of their previous ads.
The one-woman circus that is Britney Spears (barely) showed up at the MTV Video Music Awards this past Sunday out of shape, out of sync, and in her underwear. At least she wore her underwear. Maybe that’s what caused the fisticuffs between has-been Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee and should-never-have-been Kid Rock. Mix in one Justin Timberlake’s lament that MTV’s fondness for mind-numbing reality shows make it difficult for him to bring his sexy back and you really have to wonder why absolutely no one bothered to watch this programming tragedy, don’t you?
At last, to football. I find myself wrapped up in no less than three fantasy football leagues this year, and opening weekend has been disastrous for me in all three. That’s right people, I am on the verge of being a three-time loser, with five of my first six draft choices (top two in each league) scored a combined total of ten points. So much for draft strategy.
The Turd of the Week award – if there were to be such a thing – goes to all 77,000 New York Jets fans who actually cheered a serious injury to their starting quarterback. It was like all the Eagles fans took a wrong turn at I-95, turned up in New Jersey, saw a bunch of guys in green and white jerseys and decided to do what Philly fans do best. Sad that these are the clowns Jets fans have chosen to emulate. Thank God none of them made it up to Buffalo.
Opening weekend confirmed several things for anyone who still had doubts. Indianapolis, New England, and San Diego are championship contenders. Too bad they’re all in the same Conference. Thanks to a rejuvenated defense, Seattle may not be the lame duck everyone seemed to think they were. Carolina’s offense may have finally gotten it together to make a run in the NFC South in the face of the stumbling Saints. No matter how many touchdowns he throws, “Mr. Carrie Underwood” Tony Romo may never live down the season-ending botched hold in the playoffs last year. For one week at least, the Detroit Lions are winners, and the Raiders are… well… still the Raiders. If only the Chicago Bears had quarterback – or even a monkey with a number spray-painted on its back. Oh and somebody please call the NCAA and see if we can swap the Falcons and Browns for USC and LSU. How else are the fans in Atlanta and Cleveland ever going to witness a victory this year? Brady, Brady, Brady!
9.05.2007
The Fairest of Them All
Stop the presses people, we have breaking news. Hold on to your rainbow sprinkle-topped strawberry shakes because this is big. Bigger than a 4 a.m. Grande Meal. Bigger than a nine-foot long plasma television in an eight-foot long room. Bigger than a U.S. Senator soliciting gay sex in an airport bathroom. Heck, it may be the biggest story in the history of really big stories. Are you ready? Are you sitting down? Pay attention, because here it is. A study headed up by scientists at the University of Indiana has found that when given the choice for a mate, men desire hot women.
My brain hurts. Maybe it’s from beating my head against the wall, I don’t know, but I have a killer headache. I simply cannot understand how I could have been duped so easily into the wrong profession. If I had known twelve years ago that all I had to do to make a living was collect research grants to perform studies that tell people things they already know, I could have saved myself five years, a hundred thousand dollars and be internationally recognized among the scientific community. I could have been a contender!
I don’t know what idiot needs a scientific study to tell them that men like good-looking women. Are there really two-headed, three-eyed scale-skinned women living in the corners of their parents’ basements thinking that someday some man will love them for their personality? Human beings are attracted to beauty. Men like beautiful women, women like handsome men, everybody knows that. From the time we are able to distinguish what is beautiful from what isn’t – and maybe even before – we are drawn to more attractive people. Our entire social order is based upon it. Attractive people are looked up to, differed to, admired, coveted, respected, adored, excused, lusted after and generally given some measure of a free ride. Any moron with a pair of eyes and ears can figure that out. (My apologies to the blind and deaf.) Is a civilizations worth of evidence suddenly given cache because some lab coat prints a confirming sentence in a “scientific” journal?
The study has its flaws. It’s sample size is too small – only 46 participants – and was conducted in Germany. (Are we seriously going to take advice about love and relationships from people with a language that sounds like an eight year old with overactive mucus membranes hocking lugies on the sidewalk?) And in addition to that I’m not sure one can draw conclusions about “mating” from observing people in a speed-dating situation. I can’t speak for women, but I’m pretty sure men in speed-dating situations are far more interested in the short-term “act” of mating than the long-term process of mating. But I’m not interested in discussing the merits of the study. I’m just disturbed the study was commissioned in the first place. Isn't there a global warming study you people could be working on? Stop wasting valuable time and resources bludgeoning people with crap they already know! Quit telling me the grass is green and start telling me how I can get my dog to stop eating it.
My brain hurts. Maybe it’s from beating my head against the wall, I don’t know, but I have a killer headache. I simply cannot understand how I could have been duped so easily into the wrong profession. If I had known twelve years ago that all I had to do to make a living was collect research grants to perform studies that tell people things they already know, I could have saved myself five years, a hundred thousand dollars and be internationally recognized among the scientific community. I could have been a contender!
I don’t know what idiot needs a scientific study to tell them that men like good-looking women. Are there really two-headed, three-eyed scale-skinned women living in the corners of their parents’ basements thinking that someday some man will love them for their personality? Human beings are attracted to beauty. Men like beautiful women, women like handsome men, everybody knows that. From the time we are able to distinguish what is beautiful from what isn’t – and maybe even before – we are drawn to more attractive people. Our entire social order is based upon it. Attractive people are looked up to, differed to, admired, coveted, respected, adored, excused, lusted after and generally given some measure of a free ride. Any moron with a pair of eyes and ears can figure that out. (My apologies to the blind and deaf.) Is a civilizations worth of evidence suddenly given cache because some lab coat prints a confirming sentence in a “scientific” journal?
The study has its flaws. It’s sample size is too small – only 46 participants – and was conducted in Germany. (Are we seriously going to take advice about love and relationships from people with a language that sounds like an eight year old with overactive mucus membranes hocking lugies on the sidewalk?) And in addition to that I’m not sure one can draw conclusions about “mating” from observing people in a speed-dating situation. I can’t speak for women, but I’m pretty sure men in speed-dating situations are far more interested in the short-term “act” of mating than the long-term process of mating. But I’m not interested in discussing the merits of the study. I’m just disturbed the study was commissioned in the first place. Isn't there a global warming study you people could be working on? Stop wasting valuable time and resources bludgeoning people with crap they already know! Quit telling me the grass is green and start telling me how I can get my dog to stop eating it.
9.04.2007
The Biggest Loser
For everyone a little weary of cruelty and inhumanity, I’m happy to announce that this weekend’s recap is a Michael Vick-free zone. For those of you tired of heartbreak and stupidity, you’re not so lucky.
In what may be the biggest story of the weekend – depending on what part of the country you live in – is the fall of the Michigan Wolverines to the (formerly Division 1AA) Appalachian State Mountaineers. Yes, despite the Mountaineers best efforts to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory by failing to run down the clock prior to their first down field goal attempt with 30 seconds remaining in the game, Michigan simply could not overcome an absent defense, two failed two-point conversions and two blocked field goals, and suffered what is being called the biggest upset in NCAA football history. There’s some degree of poetic justice here. College football powerhouses always schedule cupcake teams for opening day. Nothing gets the fans going like watching their team embarrass a group of students who have no business being on the same field as their guys. It was only a matter of time before one of those teams came back to bite someone in the ass. These are the kind of games that cost coaches their jobs and teams their seasons. Lloyd Carr’s days are numbered. Go Blue.
Oh, and by the way, the Fighting Irish are terrible. I don’t know who Charlie Weis was trying to fool by playing the ridiculous game of “guess my quarterback” the entire week before the game, but you could have put Peyton Manning behind that offensive line and still end up with the same result. So what did we learn about the University of Football from the worst opening day loss in school history? Well, if you have three quarterbacks, you really don’t have any quarterbacks. A run defense that allows 241 rushing yards in a game isn’t much of a run defense. Teshard Choice looked like Jamal Lewis and the Irish looked like the Cleveland Browns. A running game netting –8 yards per game should be run out of town. Sacks aren’t burlap bags containing potatoes. They’re the burlap bags the quarterbacks are buried in. Bad things. Things you don’t want to take. Nine sacks are unacceptable. Raideresque even. It’s going to be a long, long season for Notre Dame.
A Florida couple has given birth to sextuplets. Oops. Bet they didn’t see that one coming. Send your diaper donations to…
Idaho Senator Larry Craig has decided to heed my advice and announced he will be resigning from office. He has also pledged to “fight like hell” to have his guilty plea expunged. If he puts half as much effort into that as he puts into soliciting gay sex in public restrooms he might get somewhere. But I don’t think “I pled guilty to make everything go away” is going to be enough to convince the judge that what you really meant to say was that you didn’t do anything creepy and it was all a big misunderstanding.
Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said in an interview he believes he could take on Hilary Clinton in a general election race. Sure you could Mike. Why don’t you worry about making it out of the primary first. Then we’ll see about prescribing you something for these delusions you’re having.
Apple Computer’s online superstore iTunes has announced it will stop selling NBC television shows sometime this year. This comes on the heels of an announcement that NBC Universal has refused to offer its music catalog for sale on iTunes as well. Apparently NBC wanted to increase the cost of it’s content and Apple refused to go along. So instead of screwing the user by increasing prices, NBC has decided to screw the user by denying content instead. That’ll show us! They’ll show us what we’re missing – by not showing us what we’re missing. Does anyone still watch NBC?
Last week was the second anniversary of Hurricane Katrina and its utter devastation of New Orleans. This topic deserves much more attention than I can give it right now. But the point is this; it’s been two years and the city is still a mess. Explain to me how that happens in the United States of America.
Here’s a blast from the past. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are fighting over custody of their teenage daughter. Shouldn’t someone be fighting to get this kid away from these two human tragedies? If I had a choice between Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown as parents I would choose adoption in Bangladesh – during the rainy season.
A late summer heat wave is once again straining the Southern California power grid. Why is this even news? Implied in the word news is that the information will be new. This crap happens every single summer. And no one has made any attempt to do anything about it. Apparently Californians like brownouts. No scorching summer day is complete without the air conditioner cutting out for several hours at a time. Here’s an idea. If you want to stop wasting ink printing this headline, UPGRADE YOUR POWER SYSTEM YOU IDIOTS! Sorry. Didn’t mean to shout.
Finally, in what has to be the most frightening story I have EVER heard, somebody walking in a park in Texas discovered a spider web over two hundred yards long. No, that is not a misprint. TWO HUNDRED YARDS! That’s two football fields. How many cans of Raid do I need to kill whatever spun that monstrosity? Actually there’s an idea that the web was created by a social group of spiders collaborating in order to catch a meal. Are you kidding me? They have a little spider civilization? Next thing you know they’ll be building little skyscrapers and driving to work on little eight-wheeled Vespas. I know this may kill the Christmas plans, but I’m not going anywhere near Texas until someone can assure me that whatever built that web isn’t going to meet me at the airport, stuff me in a cab, then wrap it up, refrigerate it and store it for later.
In what may be the biggest story of the weekend – depending on what part of the country you live in – is the fall of the Michigan Wolverines to the (formerly Division 1AA) Appalachian State Mountaineers. Yes, despite the Mountaineers best efforts to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory by failing to run down the clock prior to their first down field goal attempt with 30 seconds remaining in the game, Michigan simply could not overcome an absent defense, two failed two-point conversions and two blocked field goals, and suffered what is being called the biggest upset in NCAA football history. There’s some degree of poetic justice here. College football powerhouses always schedule cupcake teams for opening day. Nothing gets the fans going like watching their team embarrass a group of students who have no business being on the same field as their guys. It was only a matter of time before one of those teams came back to bite someone in the ass. These are the kind of games that cost coaches their jobs and teams their seasons. Lloyd Carr’s days are numbered. Go Blue.
Oh, and by the way, the Fighting Irish are terrible. I don’t know who Charlie Weis was trying to fool by playing the ridiculous game of “guess my quarterback” the entire week before the game, but you could have put Peyton Manning behind that offensive line and still end up with the same result. So what did we learn about the University of Football from the worst opening day loss in school history? Well, if you have three quarterbacks, you really don’t have any quarterbacks. A run defense that allows 241 rushing yards in a game isn’t much of a run defense. Teshard Choice looked like Jamal Lewis and the Irish looked like the Cleveland Browns. A running game netting –8 yards per game should be run out of town. Sacks aren’t burlap bags containing potatoes. They’re the burlap bags the quarterbacks are buried in. Bad things. Things you don’t want to take. Nine sacks are unacceptable. Raideresque even. It’s going to be a long, long season for Notre Dame.
A Florida couple has given birth to sextuplets. Oops. Bet they didn’t see that one coming. Send your diaper donations to…
Idaho Senator Larry Craig has decided to heed my advice and announced he will be resigning from office. He has also pledged to “fight like hell” to have his guilty plea expunged. If he puts half as much effort into that as he puts into soliciting gay sex in public restrooms he might get somewhere. But I don’t think “I pled guilty to make everything go away” is going to be enough to convince the judge that what you really meant to say was that you didn’t do anything creepy and it was all a big misunderstanding.
Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said in an interview he believes he could take on Hilary Clinton in a general election race. Sure you could Mike. Why don’t you worry about making it out of the primary first. Then we’ll see about prescribing you something for these delusions you’re having.
Apple Computer’s online superstore iTunes has announced it will stop selling NBC television shows sometime this year. This comes on the heels of an announcement that NBC Universal has refused to offer its music catalog for sale on iTunes as well. Apparently NBC wanted to increase the cost of it’s content and Apple refused to go along. So instead of screwing the user by increasing prices, NBC has decided to screw the user by denying content instead. That’ll show us! They’ll show us what we’re missing – by not showing us what we’re missing. Does anyone still watch NBC?
Last week was the second anniversary of Hurricane Katrina and its utter devastation of New Orleans. This topic deserves much more attention than I can give it right now. But the point is this; it’s been two years and the city is still a mess. Explain to me how that happens in the United States of America.
Here’s a blast from the past. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are fighting over custody of their teenage daughter. Shouldn’t someone be fighting to get this kid away from these two human tragedies? If I had a choice between Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown as parents I would choose adoption in Bangladesh – during the rainy season.
A late summer heat wave is once again straining the Southern California power grid. Why is this even news? Implied in the word news is that the information will be new. This crap happens every single summer. And no one has made any attempt to do anything about it. Apparently Californians like brownouts. No scorching summer day is complete without the air conditioner cutting out for several hours at a time. Here’s an idea. If you want to stop wasting ink printing this headline, UPGRADE YOUR POWER SYSTEM YOU IDIOTS! Sorry. Didn’t mean to shout.
Finally, in what has to be the most frightening story I have EVER heard, somebody walking in a park in Texas discovered a spider web over two hundred yards long. No, that is not a misprint. TWO HUNDRED YARDS! That’s two football fields. How many cans of Raid do I need to kill whatever spun that monstrosity? Actually there’s an idea that the web was created by a social group of spiders collaborating in order to catch a meal. Are you kidding me? They have a little spider civilization? Next thing you know they’ll be building little skyscrapers and driving to work on little eight-wheeled Vespas. I know this may kill the Christmas plans, but I’m not going anywhere near Texas until someone can assure me that whatever built that web isn’t going to meet me at the airport, stuff me in a cab, then wrap it up, refrigerate it and store it for later.
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