Freedom Incorporated

Headline on CNN.com last week; “Pet Bear Kills Pennsylvania Woman.” Now there’s something you don’t see every day.

I don’t have much this week. Spent too much time working and not enough time raging at the world. There is one thing that drew my ire however. This past Monday marked the beginning of the new Supreme Court term, the first for newly confirmed Justice Sonia Sotomayor. In addition to the usual smattering of cases, the Court will issue a ruling that could fundamentally change the way political campaigns are conducted. If you thought the 2008 presidential campaign was expensive, wait until 2012.

The issue before the Court is whether or not corporations should have the right to spend unlimited amounts of money on advertisements for or against specific candidates. The law currently disallows these ads 30 days prior to a primary and to 60 days prior to the general election. In an attempt to evade the law, conservative interest group Citizens United produced what they labeled a “documentary” about now Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and attempted to run commercials promoting the film during the 30 day exclusionary period. At the time, the U.S. District Court for the the District of Columbia ruled that the commercials violated the law in that they were to be run within the 30 day period, and that the “documentary” clearly had no other purpose than to discredit Hillary Clinton. Citizens United appealed, and here we are.

The argument of Citizens United is that the campaign finance law violates their corporate right free speech. Since the Court has ruled in the past that when it comes to politics, money equals speech, their corporation should be allowed to spend any amount of money, at any point in time, to exercise their right to free political speech. It is widely known that two Justices agree with their position, and is suspected that three others do as well, making an uncapped 2012 campaign certainly possible - if not likely. But there is a flaw in Citizens United argument. A flaw so glaring it's difficult to understand how it could be ignored.

Justice Scalia believes that all campaign finance legislation is unconstitutional and should be invalidated, that people should be able to spend whatever they like in support or opposition to the candidate of their choice. On this point I would have to agree with him. The “Congress shall make no law... abridging the freedom of speech...” portion of the First Amendment refers primarily to political speech, and if money really is the equivalent of speech, as the Court has ruled it is, then people should be able to spend whatever they want on an election. Where we differ seems to be on our definition of a person.

I can’t believe I have to say this, but corporations are not people. They are not born, and they do not die. (In fact, they can exist in perpetuity.) They do not eat, they do not sleep, they do not procreate. They don’t watch football on sunday afternoon, they don’t pick up their kids from school promptly at 3:15 p.m., they don’t cry at movies and they don’t forget their wedding anniversary. Corporations are documents. They are agreements to conduct business in a particular manner. They are created by statute and can be dissolved by statute. They exist in no small part to remove responsibility from individuals and redistribute it amongst vast pools of money. They have no rights except those granted to them by the statute under which they were created and the State in which they operate. What Justice Scalia would like to do in this case is bestow inalienable rights, endowed by the Creator, upon a piece of paper.

Reduced to its core, the argument is exposed as the absurdity that it is. People have rights. Paper does not. Acceptance of Scalia’s argument means that corporations are, for all intents and purposes, persons. Obviously this has the potential to go very wrong, very quickly. Do corporations then have the right to bear arms? Are they protected from cruel and unusual punishment? Can they be charged with crimes, like rape, or murder, or illegal possession of a controlled substance? If they are persons, created in the United States, are they then citizens? Do they have the right to vote? Can they run for office? Could Wal-mart be elected president? There is already enough foolishness tottering around Washington. Let’s not add to the steaming pile by transforming pieces of paper into people.

My NFL thoughts for Week 4:

The Green Bay Packers are the second most disappointing team in the league. And I’m not just saying that because my parents live in Wisconsin. How can you hold the most explosive player in the National Football League to 55 yards - and still lose the game?

The Panthers didn’t lose this week. Oh wait, they didn’t play this week either. My bad.

Does any team look more inept than the Kansas City Chiefs? No, the Raiders don’t count as a team. The state of Missouri is 0-8 so far this season. At least Michigan has only one terrible football team.

The Saints are off Week 5, but they will meet the currently undefeated New York Giants two Sundays from now. Against the Jets this week, the Saints proved they can get it done any way they have to, through the air, on the ground and with the defense. If Drew Brees and company defeat the Giants in Week 6, I’ll be looking for them to line up across from the Colts in the Superbowl in February.

Chargers punter Mike Scifres booted a 63 yard punt with about five seconds of hang time against the Steelers Sunday night. Note to Jerry Jones; pinch your pennies, get ready to raise that scoreboard.

Patrick Willis is the best defensive football player I have ever seen play the game, and that includes Ray Lewis. (I’m not old enough to remember Lawrence Taylor or Deacon Jones.) He seems to make every tackle, force and recover every fumble, and record every sack the 49ers make. He is so good, San Francisco could almost remove the other ten players from the field and not notice the difference.

My Superbowl Picks for Week 4: New Orleans Saints vs. Indianapolis Colts

American Girl (a toy company producing dolls and doll accessories that come with a backstory) has released a “homeless doll” to add to its collection. The doll costs $95. At that price she won’t be homeless very long, will she.

Finally, some people (read “two guys in a basement with a fax machine”) are upset over a breast cancer awareness ad featuring a woman in a skimpy white bikini jubbling her way around a crowded pool party, ogled by men and women alike, with the phrase, “You know you love them, now it’s time to save them,” cut in amongst the frames. The criticism is that the ad is to risque and detracts from the seriousness of the issue. I’m going to have to disagree. I think this is brilliant. The purpose of the ad campaign is to get men to pay attention to breast cancer. Women already know that breast cancer is the leading cause of cancer death among women age 20 to 49. But men don’t. And most of them don’t care. It’s had enough to get a man to take himself to the doctor, let alone encourage someone else to go. But maybe, if we can link health issues to something men really care about, like breasts in bikinis, they might at least remember to mention it to their significant other. Cancer is a ruthless killer. Fight it with any and every tool available.

Banana Republic

A Yahoo! headline caught my eye yesterday. “Colbie Caillat covers a Pussycat Dolls classic.” Let’s get something straight. There are Frank Sinatra classics, Led Zeppelin classics, Michael Jackson classics, there may even be a Nirvana classic or two. But there is NO SUCH THING as a Pussycat Dolls classic. Just because a song is old, doesn’t make it a classic.

This Tuesday, Newsmax.com published a column advocating a military coup to take care of “the Obama problem.” This comes on the heels of a Facebook poll asking the question, “Should Obama be killed?” Both the column and the poll have since been removed from the respective sites, but that isn’t really the point now, is it.

The fact that somebody felt comfortable enough to write - for mass consumption - a column advocating the military overthrow of the U.S. government, and that a major online news aggregator would post it on their website says something about the state of conservative opposition in this country. And what is says isn’t flattering. Let’s get the obvious out of the way first; it is unacceptable to advocate the violent overthrow of the United States government. It is at best, seditious, and at worst, treasonous. And ironically, the fact that the author of that garbage isn’t sitting in federal prison right now waiting to be stripped of his citizenship and locked away for the rest of his life is proof of the absolute fallacy of his argument. But more importantly, it provides irrefutable evidence that some elements of the right are every bit as “evil” as the elements of the left they so loathe. We have these things in this country we call elections. Candidates representing competing ideas, present themselves to the citizens, and the citizens vote to select the candidate - and therefore the ideas - they prefer. That candidate is then afforded four years in which to advocate and implement those ideas. If you happened not to vote for the winner, too bad. Suck it up and live with it until the next election when you can vote for someone else. Sure, you can whine and kick and scream and protest all you want, that’s your right. You can complain until you’re blue in the face about how the guy you didn’t vote for isn’t doing what you want him to do now that he’s in office. What you can’t do is threaten violent revolt or assassination to overturn the will of the electorate. You are not patriots. You are sore losers, acting like petulant children because you didn’t get your way. This country is in the midst of some very adult situations, demanding adult conversations and adult resolutions. Grow up or shut up.

Last February, the Pittsburgh Steelers won their sixth Superbowl title, defeating the overachieving Arizona Cardinals in a game for the ages. A few days after their victory, they took their Lombardi trophy back to Pittsburgh and paraded it through the streets, singing and dancing and throwing confetti, and promising to repeat the performance the following season. Yet not once in that entire process did the Steelers “reach out” to the Cardinals to ask them, what time they should hold the parade, or even if any of the Cardinals players wanted to be involved. Do you know why? Because the Steelers were winners. And they knew how to act like winners. In the 2008 elections, Democrats were winners. But you certainly wouldn’t know that from watching them work, would you.

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Filmmaker Roman Polanski was arrested in Switzerland on an outstanding warrant issued 32 years ago in Los Angeles for the rape of a then 13-year-old girl. In 1977, Polanski was charged with distributing alcohol to a minor and repeatedly raping her. He plead guilty to “unlawful intercourse with a minor,” but fled the country for France following a psychiatric evaluation, and has avoided returning to the United States ever since. Until now. California prosecutors have requested and Swiss authorities are processing extradition papers to return Polanski to the U.S. to face his sentence. Now you might think that everyone would be relieved to see a child molester finally face justice. You would, of course, be wrong. Over 100 producers, director and actors, including Woody Allen and Martin Scorcese, have signed a petition demanding the immediate release of Polanski and the dismissal of the charges against him. According to one of his supporters interview on NPR this past Tuesday, Polanski “has already suffered enough,” (you know, forced to live in France and all). When asked why Polanski shouldn’t be punished for sexually assaulting a child, the supporter replied, Well, you have to take his whole life into account. I mean, he’s made some good movies.” Wow. I guess by that logic, Steven Spielberg is up to half-a-dozen free murders at this point. I don’t know what’s more disturbing; the fact that the rape of a child seems to carry so little weight with so many people, or that rich people feel that other rich people really should be able to get away anything.

Auto racing powerhouse Roger Penske announced on Wednesday that he has decided not to purchase the Saturn brand and dealership network from General Motors after all. Penske was reportedly in talks with another manufacturer to supply him vehicles to sell after his proposed partnership with GM expired two years from now. But when those talks fell through, the purchase of the nameplate and dealership network became too risky without a guaranteed stream of vehicles to sell. Unfortunately for Saturn employees, this means that their jobs will be going the way of their co-workers at Pontiac and Oldsmobile. The restructuring of the American auto industry continues.

My NFL thoughts for Week 3:

Kudos to the Detroit Lions for making two consecutive no-win seasons impossible. Sure, you only beat the Redskins - a team as bad as you were last year, but at least you beat them. And in this league, a win is a win, regardless of how you get it. Trust me. It could be so much worse. You could be the Cleveland Browns.

The Bengals proved they might actually belong in the league coming from behind to defeat the reigning Superbowl champions Sunday afternoon. They looked more like the Steelers than the Steelers did.

How about that Brett Favre! Not bad for an old man.

The Carolina Panthers are absolutely killing my fantasy football teams. Note to Julius Peppers; you are 6’-7” tall, 283 pounds, and are being paid 17 MILLION dollars this season to sack quarterbacks. Try it Julius. You might like it.


Oh the lime-anity! You should see these things in high-definition.

As if the uniforms weren’t bad enough, the Seahawks dropped a scrappy, hard-fought game to the Chicago Bears due in no small part to a pair of very makable, yet missed field goals. During the post-game press conference, Seattle coach Jim Mora Jr. did not hesitate to throw his kicker under the bus, then stop, reverse, put the snow tires and chains on, and drive over him again. But the next day, Mora announced that there would be no change at the place kicker position. I’m not sure you can run over a guy that many times, then pick him up by the collar, dust him off and ask him to perform again the following week.

Eric “Man-genius” Mangini decided to reward back-up quarterback Derek Anderson’s stellar zero touchdown, three interception performance in relief of Brady Quinn on Sunday with the starting quarterback job. Wow. Nothing like rewarding achievement, huh. Seriously. Is Vinny Testaverde available? I hear Jeff Garcia is looking for a job. At least he’s won some games during his career.

My Superbowl picks for Week 3: New Orleans Saints vs. Baltimore Ravens.

Finally, the State of Michigan is threatening to sue one Lisa Snyder for “caring for unrelated children in her home for more than four weeks without being a licensed daycare provider. What is Mrs. Snyder’s offense? She watches three neighborhood children for an hour every morning while they wait for the bus at the end of her driveway. I know, it’s terrible. How could she do something so despicable? Has she no shame? There is a segment of the population that feels quite strongly that government is always the problem, never the solution. Cases like this continue to provide them with ammunition.

Don't Take Your Guns To Town

I love my wife, really I do. But “Practical Magic?” Seriously?

Will wonders never cease? Cathy Maples, owner of a defense contracting firm, and self-described “big fan,” paid $63,500 in genuine United States legal tender for the privilege (?) of dinner with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. I mean seriously, $63,500? Do you know how many tea bags you can buy for $63,500? Now the proceeds from the dinner went to a charity for wounded veterans, so kudos to the charity for scoring the money, but come on. What kind of masochist would pay that kind of money to be tortured for three hours? Any guesses as to what’s on the menu? My money’s on field-dressed wolf meat, shot from a helicopter.

My healthcare musings for the week:

After months of unwarranted delays in the spirit of “bipartisan co-operation,” Senate Finance Committee Chairman Max Baucus unveiled his version of healthcare reform – without the support of a single Republican senator. Surprise! For the past four months, Baucus has been “negotiating” with people who never had any interest in reforming healthcare, weakening the bill to the chagrin of fellow Democrats, in some misguided attempt to formulate a bill that would pass with bi-partisan support. Three Republican senators managed to fundamentally alter legislation they never intend to vote for. And you thought the President was the most powerful man in America.

This debate over the public option continues to highlight the fundamental weakness of the Democratic Party. There is nothing they can’t disagree on. The idea of unity around a single concept is foreign to them. Make no mistake that if the Republican Party held a 70-vote majority in the House and a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate on a bill to open ANWAR to oil exploration, it would pass easily without a single Democratic vote. They wouldn’t have wasted time asking for any. The Democrats seem to have learned very little in eight years.

Is it me, or do liberals give more weight to street protests than conservatives do? When thousands of people marched on Washington demanding an end to the Iraq war, Liberals jumped up and down with urgency, panicking that the will of the people was being ignored, while conservatives largely ignored them. Over the summer, thousands of people protested against healthcare reform, and while conservatives now claim that THESE protesters represent the will of the people, liberals… well… panic. Conservatives freely admit they’re borrowing from the liberal playbook with regards to these anti-reform protests, because in the 24-hour news cycle, the media will disproportionately cover anything contentious. But for some reason, liberals, the inventors of the protest playbook, seem to be unable to respond appropriately to their own creation, to distinguish protest from “fauxtest.” Is this a case of the student surpassing the teacher?

At the Values Voters Summit this weekend, Fox’s Bill O’Reilly accepted the “Media Courage Award,” in a ceremony that was, ironically, closed to the media. Insert your own joke here.

I saw a list of the worst vehicles of the decade. Number one on the list, the Pontiac Aztek. Yup, no argument there. I’ve often wondered what moron executive at General Motors looked at the rendering of that car and said, “You know, if we add about 60 percent more plastic to that mini RV on 13-inch wheels you’ve got there, we’ll sell millions of those things!” Idiots.

Last week, lawyers for a group of Native Americans filed a petition with the Supreme Court to overturn a lower court decision allowing the Washington Redskins football team to continue using the name. While this suit is likely to end in the same result as the others, maybe it’s time we stopped pretending that the term “Redskins” is somehow not offensive to Native Americans, just because it’s been painted on a helmet for 77 years. It is offensive, and we should call the team something else. Just because something has always been done a certain way, doesn’t mean that way is correct or should be continued.

My NFL thoughts for Week 2

These might not be the same old Bengals. It’s going to take more than one solid game to convince me, but it’s a start.

These are the same old Lions. And the same old Browns. Paul Brown must be rolling over in his grave.

Something’s wrong with the New England Patriots. Yes, the Golden Boy looks a little jittery, but I’ll cut him a little slack. He is coming off of a knee injury it takes most athletes two years to recover from. The problem is more fundamental. The Patriots offensive line seems to have forgotten how to block. Doesn’t matter who your quarterback is, if you can’t keep his jersey clean, you aren’t going to win many games.

The Saints put up 48 points on a perennial playoff defense on Sunday – including a defensive score, and Drew Brees is on pace to throw 72 touchdowns. I’m getting on this bandwagon early.

Show me a better quarterback right now than Peyton Manning. I dare you.

What happened to Baltimore's defense? And where did all that offense come from?

Frank Gore ripped Seattle for 159 yards on two carries, almost like there was no defense on the field. It’s going to be a long year for the Seahawks without Matt Hasselbeck if they allow 200 plus yards rushing every other week.

Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell is completing only 35% of his passes. You have a better chance of scoring a second date with Megan Fox than seeing Russell complete a pass. Someone needs to save Al Davis from himself.

My Superbowl picks for Week 2: New Orleans Saints vs. Baltimore Ravens

Finally, former New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress began serving a two-year prison sentence on Tuesday for illegal possession and discharge of a firearm in a nightclub in 2008 when he shot himself in the leg. The “tragedy” of this story is that it was entirely preventable. It’s not like Burress was some shmuck on the practice squad barely scraping by. He was the second highest paid player on the team. Hire a couple bodyguards licensed to carry weapons in New York City to accompany you to the nightclub. Or, better yet, if you’re going someplace where you feel you need to conceal and carry an illegal weapon, don’t go there. Two minutes of forethought could have saved Burress two years in prison. Don’t take your guns to town son, leave your guns at home Bill. Don’t take your guns to town.

I'm With Stupid

I have been watching “The Blob” for about an hour now and I still haven’t seen this so-called Blob. Somehow that doesn’t seem right.

My healthcare musings for the week.

In the hours after South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson’s (whom I will continue to refer to respectfully - even though he refused to offer the same courtesy to the President of the United States) verbal diarrhea, his 2010 challenger received over half-a-million dollars in campaign donations. One week later, both candidates have racked up over a million dollars each in contributions. That’s right. Joe Wilson raised a million dollars from his constituents by falsely accusing the President of lying. The House Bill HR 3200 - the only bill there is at the moment - explicitly states that illegal immigrants will NOT be eligible for ANY of the proposed subsidies. Joe Wilson lied. Yet, thousands of Americans openly and monetarily support that lie due to their irrational fear and loathing of this President. God bless America.

In an television interview Tuesday afternoon, Former President Jimmy Carter said publicly what more than a few people have been muttering privately over the past few months. Some of the instigators, agitators and demonstrators of the blind rage against the machine we’ve seen this summer oppose this President so vehemently not (solely) because of his policies, but because he is Barack Hussein Obama, black/biracial man. Sometimes it’s easy to pick them out. They’re the ones at the protests wrapped in the confederate flag, carrying misspelled homemade posters of the President in witch doctor garb. Sometimes it’s more difficult. They couch their distain in passionate opposition to Obama’s goals, while lying about lies and misrepresenting the truth. See below.



In the same way Cindy Sheehan made it difficult for reasonable people on the left of the political spectrum to oppose the war, Joe Wilson, Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck prevent actual thinking conservatives from engaging in the debate. The idea of a post-racial society is an interesting one, but there is one problem. Racism isn’t dead. It’s sitting on the couch in its "I Am Joe the Plumber" tee shirt with its misspelled homemade protest sign sipping cheap Chinese tea and watching cable news.

Am I the only one to notice that aside from screaming at the top of their lungs, the radical right really isn’t very good at protest thing? I don’t know if it’s because they’ve had less practice at it recently or what, but the results are somewhat amusing. In the wake of Wilson’s outburst, his supporters printed up and sold tee-shirts reading “I’m with Joe Wilson!” The shirts appear similar in font and style to popular novelty “I’m with stupid!” tee-shirts. So, they simply replaced “stupid” with “Joe Wilson.” Interesting. The logo for Glenn Beck’s “9-12 Project” looks strangely familiar to that of the raised fist of the black power movement or the Progressive Labor Party, groups Beck would surely condemn as un-American.



And who can forget listening to anti-government protesters describe themselves as “tea-baggers,” blissfully ignorant of the common usage meaning of the term. Perhaps they’ll get better with time. But at this point it’s just embarrassing.

This past Monday was the one year anniversary of the collapse of Lehman Brothers, the final trigger of the economic meltdown of 2008. To “celebrate”, President Obama announced his plans for new financial regulations in a speech in New York City. There is near universal agreement among economists that we simply cannot return to the good old days of rampant Wall Street excess, mayhem and madness. There is also near universal agreement among politicians that in spite of the chaos we’ve just been through, it will be almost politically impossible to reform the system. Something about the agencies involved and their respective Congressional committees not wanting to relinquish regulatory control to one another. I’m a little confused by this. Not that Congress would be incapable of fixing something that was broken, but that this even has to go through Congress at all. I took U.S. History and Government 16 years ago, so I hope someone will correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t government agencies divisions of the Executive branch? And aren’t divisions of the Executive branch subject to executive orders? To hell with Congress. Issue an executive order instructing the SEC to do whatever you want it to do. What am I missing?

Late last week, General Motors kicked of its new era with a somewhat novel idea for the automobile industry - a money-back guarantee. That’s right, if you don’t like your new GM car, you can return it after 30 days but before 60 days for a full refund. At the risk of stating the obvious, this is a great idea and a terrible idea all rolled into one. If successful this could do for GM what the 10-year, 100,000 mile warranty did for Hyundai. If it fails, GM - and taxpayers - will be out millions more dollars. Kudos to General Motors for having the guts to put up or shut up. I hope they have the quality products to back up their bravado.

I didn’t see the speech, but apparently Michael Jordan made a complete ass of himself during his Basketball Hall of Fame induction speech last Friday night. From the accounts I have read, instead of being gracious and effusive with praise as other inductees David Robinson, John Stockton and Vivian Stringer had been before him, Jordan was... well... Michael Jordan. He berated former foes, admonished players for past slights, and flew the guy who took his spot on his high school basketball team to the ceremony to watch. This speech seemed to surprise a lot of people. It shouldn’t have. The same qualities that made Jordan the best player of his time - perhaps of all time - also make him a not-so-great human being. He is quite possibly the most competitive man on the planet, which is great on the court, but makes him a petty, bitter, compulsive gambler off the court. We seem to have a difficult time in this country understanding that people are always more than one thing, and sometimes we’ll get a little bit of the garbage along with the wonderful.

Enough serious business, it’s football season baby!

My NFL thoughts for week one:

These are the same old Lions. These are the same old Bengals. In fact, these Bengals may be worse than the same old Lions who went 0-16 last season. How is it possible that year after year after year, teams like the Steelers and the Patriots can be so good, while the Lions and the Bengals are so, so awful?

In his last two games, Jake Delhomme has turned the ball over 11 times - 9 interceptions and 2 lost fumbles. There were three quarterbacks who didn’t have that many turnovers through the ENTIRE 2008 season! This has to be the worst performance by a professional quarterback I have ever seen. Is there no one else Carolina can wrangle to replace him? What’s Jeff Garcia doing? Oh right, he’s in Philadelphia now. Can we get Steve Young out of the broadcast booth?

The Golden Boy is back. After a whole year of sleeping in late with Giselle and surfing for porn on the internet, Tom Brady is back under center leading ridiculous fourth quarter comebacks in games the Patriots by all rights should have lost. Oh Tom. How did we survive an entire season without you?

The Raiders played their best game Monday night, while San Diego played their worst. The Chargers still won. It’s going to be another long year in Oakland.

The Steelers losing Troy Polomalu for 6 weeks is the equivalent of stripping the V-12 out of a Ferrari and replacing it with the V-6 from the family minivan. While it probably won’t kill the chances of a repeat, it should at least make the division interesting.

If the league doesn’t want defensive players to play defense, just take them off the field. Defensive ends should not get 15-yard penalties for tackling quarterbacks, cornerbacks should not get flagged for pass interference for running in close proximity to wide receivers, and if a stiff arm is legal on offense, it should also be legal on the other side of the ball.

My Superbowl Picks For Week 1: New Orleans Saints vs. Tennessee Titans.

There was a John McEnroe sighting this weekend. And he looked a lot like Serena Williams. Serena lost her semi-final match due to a profanity-laced tirade directed toward the umpire. Serena later apologized for the outburst, but the damage had been done. I understand that when a referee or umpire or line judge blows a call the emotions of the moment can take over, but losing one’s cool ALWAYS only ends in tears.

Finally, what planet is Kanye West living on? At the MTV Video Music Awards this weekend, (no, the irony of that title does not escape me), West bounded up on stage to interrupt award recipient Taylor Swift, taking her microphone and blathering on about how he felt other people were more deserving of said award than Swift. What I love about this story is the reaction of the audience, the performers and virtually everyone else in America. Once people figured out what Kanye was doing, he was booed mercilessly and denounced both by his peers and the media for the rest of the night, and all the following day until someone finally got through to him and got him to offer a personal apology to Swift. Good for us. Now if only we could apply the same social pressure to Terrell Owens, and Amy Winehouse, and “the Real Housewives of Orange County,” and so on, and so on ad nauseam.

Brass Tacks

So, I’m watching the rerun of President Obama’s address to a joint session of Congress and thinking to myself, this guy must go home at night and wonder when he woke up to a country full of morons. Over the past eight years we managed to figure out what noo-que-ler weapons were, who the decider was, how difficult it was to put food on our families, how often we misunderestimated certain people, and that too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country. Yet somehow, millions of Americans can’t seem to understand healthcare reform in plain English.

It’s time to start calling a spade a spade. After tonight, anyone who claims he/she does not understand what the President wants in terms of healthcare reform because he hasn’t explained it to them, is either lying or lying. Every Republican who could find a television camera after the speech stumbled over themselves to declare that Republicans want reform as well. Those Republicans are liars. Republicans have never cared about healthcare reform. The healthcare debate has been raging in this country for almost 100 YEARS, and no Republican president during that period (and there have been ten of them) has cared enough to make it a priority. The only aspect of reform Republicans care about is defeating it. As late as this afternoon, Sarah Palin was penning op-eds in national newspapers claiming the throughly discredited “death panels” really are hidden somewhere in the President’s bill. Sarah Palin is an idiot. Sometimes the truth hurts, but it is what it is. I’m not sure what that says about the people who see her as the “great white hope,” but we’d all be better off if they were as prone to quitting as their mentor. At the beginning of the summer, the President gave Congress the very valuable, very delicate ball to run with, and they dropped it, plain and simple. Tonight he picked up the pieces, glued them back together and handed it back to them. Now cut the BS and get back to work. Quit debating things that aren’t going to happen. There are no “death panels,” there will be no single payer system, and doing nothing is not an option. If the Republicans want to get on the bus, welcome aboard, if not, get out of the road. We’ve all heard the joke about Democrats and herding cats, but the Democratic Party has a 70 seat majority in the House and a filibuster-proof 60 vote majority in the Senate. Failure is not an option. Get busy and do what we pay you to do.

During the afore mentioned speech, while President Obama was debunking the myth that healthcare reform will provide coverage to illegal immigrants, South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson, apparently unaware of all the cameras and recording equipment in the chamber, shouted, “You lie!” in response. Sigh. What is it about South Carolina politicians? Immediately after the speech, Wilson contacted the White House and apologized to the Chief of Staff, and issued a written statement claiming that although he disagreed with the President’s statement, he was sorry for the outburst. Well good for you Joe. You are sorry - at least you weren’t lying about that. You can disagree with the statement all you want Joe, but the fact is, none of the bills floating around Capitol Hill provide coverage for illegal immigrants, funding for abortions or “pull the plug on grandma.” Disagreeing with the facts doesn’t make you bold, it just makes you disagreeable.

This past Tuesday President Obama stood before a group of high school kids in Washington D.C. and told them to take charge of their education and their future. Apparently, that is the definition of communism. For about a week leading up to the speech, some conservatives insisted the President was trying to indoctrinate children in the ways of socialism by telling them to stay in school and do their homework. Well, actually, they accused him of socialist indoctrination without actually knowing what he was going to say. The mere fact that the President had a message for students was enough to send the ideologues into a tizzy. Most of them were strangely silent following the address, but that is the inherent problem with opposing something before one knows what one is opposing, isn’t it. One runs the risk of making an ass of one’s self after the fact. Note to pundits. Know what you’re lying about before you lie about it.

Not content with ruining his marriage, spending state funds on his mistress and discussing his illicit affair in great detail in press conference after press conference, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford seems intent on adding impeachment to his impressive list of personal and professional failures. Earlier this week, the Republican Speaker of the House joined the Lieutenant Governor’s call for Sanford’s resignation. Believing himself to be some sort of modern day King David, Sanford refused, claiming he is doing God’s work and will continue to do so. He may have to continue the Lord’s work as a private citizen, as due to his refusal, the Republican-controlled House is now seriously considering impeaching their own Republican Governor and former presidential hopeful. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Late last week investment bank Goldman Sachs reported that federal stimulus spending boosted U.S. economic growth by 3.3%. Shortly after, the Federal Reserve issued a statement indicating the recession ended in August. The markets are up, home prices are beginning to rebound, factory orders are increasing and the number of job losses per month has been cut by 70%. Yet in a CNN poll taken earlier this week, nine out of ten Americans surveyed believe the country is still in recession. What do Americans have against evidence? Why is it so difficult for this country to accept facts? Recession has a specific definition - two or more consecutive quarters of economic decline. It’s not some vague, nebulous emotion everyone experiences differently. If after two or more consecutive quarters of economic decline the economy ceases to decline or experiences growth, it is no longer in recession. It’s pretty simple. Yet so many people find the evidence so easy to ignore. Why? How much better off would we be as a nation if we stopped substituting our “feelings” for actual fact?

Wednesday morning in Afghanistan, a New York Times reporter kidnapped by the Taliban was rescued by British commandos in a pre-dawn raid during which one of the commandos, another journalist, a woman and her child were also killed. Prior to the incident, the Times had kept the story of what happened to the reporter a secret, fearing that, “...media attention would raise the temperature and increase the risk to the captives.” This isn’t the first time the New York Times has declined to publish a story and asked other media outlets to refrain from publishing a story because one of their reporters was involved. While I appreciate the sentiments of the editor, I can’t help but wonder whether or not the Times would have extended the same courtesy if the captive had not been one of their own. If someone else’s life was on the line, would the public’s right to know still be trumped by discretion for the sake of safety? And if so, what does that say about the state of journalism?

Finally, the 2009 NFL season begins about 18 hours from now. Overshadowing a potential playoff run for the San Diego Chargers is the news that star linebacker Shawne Merriman was was arrested over the weekend for allegedly battering and imprisoning his girlfriend, reality TV star Tia Tequila. I don’t know what happened between Merriman and Tequila, and frankly, I don’t care. If he abused her, he should be punished for it, if she made up the allegations, she should be punished. My point is as follows. Shawne Merriman is returning to the final year of his rookie contract from an entire year away from football, and the last thing he needs is a distraction. He should have known better than to get involved with someone who’s claims to fame include the trumped-up drama of “A Shot at Love with Tia Tequila,” and the mind-numbing stupidity of “Pants-Off Dance-Off.” He was just begging for trouble. And when you beg for trouble, the universe often rewards you with more trouble than you can handle. Oh, and it screws up my fantasy football team this weekend. Thanks a lot, dumbass.

Rainbow Warriors

So I think I understand why everyone takes vacation n August. Nothing happens. Pretty sparse list of topics this week.

Two weeks ago, the first and former Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge (also known as the creator of the asinine rainbow warning system) raised a few eyebrows when excerpts from his upcoming memoir were released to the media. In one passage in particular, Ridge states that he was pressured on several occasions by senior members of the Bush administration to elevate the threat level at times when he felt neither the intelligence nor the evidence warranted such action, most egregiously, on the eve of President Bush’s re-election. He claims it bothered him so much that it eventually led to his resignation. Apparently believing that “senior administration officials” referred specifically to him, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld replied through his spokesperson that perhaps now would be a good time for Ridge to break out his roll of emergency duct tape.

Are Ridge’s assertions true? I don’t know. I’m inclined to believe they are. The previous administration - particularly the former Vice-President and Secretary of Defense – have shown no qualms about using terrorism, or the threat of terrorism for their own political gain. Since September 12, 2001 President Bush has been constructed his legacy around his response to external threats, so the idea isn’t that far fetched. Adding fuel to the speculative fires has been the curious responses of implicated officials to the accusations. They respond not by emphatically denying the accusations, but by insisting the accuser adhere to some code of silence and shut up, or else. It’s almost like the administration is some sort of gang far more concerned with its members snitching to the authorities than with the damage they’re doing to the community with their activities.

I wasn’t going to mention this. But in light of the madness being espoused by anti-Obama protesters in various forms across the country, I think it is worth mentioning. Speaking to a recent gathering of supporters in her state, Kansas Republican Congresswoman Lynn Jenkins made the following remark in response to a question she received about future Republican House leadership: “Republicans are struggling right now to find the great white hope. I suggest to any of you who are concerned about that, who are Republican, there are some great young Republican minds in Washington.” She then went on to defeat her the point she was trying to make by naming House Minority Whip Eric Cantor one of those bright young minds. But the part of the response that made news was her choice of the phrase, “great white hope” in reference to leadership.

For those of you who don’t know, the phrase “great white hope” entered the American lexicon circa Boxing Day, 1908, when African American boxer Jack Johnson defeated the white Tommy Burns for the Heavyweight Championship. Whites were so incensed with the outcome, that many began to call for a “great white hope” to return the title to its “rightful place” with the “superior” white race. I’m hesitant to ascribe motives to people with no public history of bigotry. So while it seems incredibly unlikely that Jenkins was – as she claimed – completely unaware of any negative connotations of the phase, I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she’s really not a racist. Maybe she’s just stupid. Maybe it really never occurred to her that searching for a “great white hope” to combat the current non-white leadership might seem suspect to more than a few people. Maybe she just prefers white hope. Like vanilla ice cream. Strawberry hope and rocky road hope may be all well and good, but a little vanilla hope really hits the spot. Who knows. Whatever the truth is, the incident highlights a common problem with politicians; too much talking, not enough thinking beforehand. It’s okay to think stupid things. It’s not always a good idea to say them.

Thomas Edison must be rolling over in his grave. September 1 was the last opportunity for European distributors and retailers to stock up on 100W incandescent light bulbs. From now on, said lamps will no longer be produced in or imported to Europe, and once supplies run out, will no longer be available. They are to be replaced with either fluorescent, halogen or LED bulbs, all significantly more efficient (and for the time being, more expensive) than the old standard. The United States is scheduled to follow suit in 2012, a move expected to save millions of tons of carbon emissions and millions of dollars on electricity bills. Many people unhappy with the new rules are hoarding bulbs in their basements, perhaps preparing for the day when throwing money away on a light bulb that produces more heat than light becomes fashionable again. I say good riddance. No more burning my fingers on these stupid things every time I go to change one.

Finally, According to reports from various “watchdog” groups that monitor such things, texting while driving has become a serious problem in America. This is astonishing to me. We really needed studies to tell us that using both hands to type instead of steer and both eyes to focus on a 4 inch LCD screen instead of on the road in front of us is insanely dangerous? Really? I can’t believe people actually do this. Note to compulsive texters and tweeters. You ARE NOT that damn important! PUT THE PHONE DOWN AND DRIVE YOU IDIOTS!

The Lion In Winter

After 46 years of service in the United States Senate, Senator Edward Moore Kennedy has passed away at the age of 77. Affectionately known by members of his party as the “Liberal Lion of the Senate,” Kennedy shouldered the burdens and expectations of a storied and tragic political family and provided the voice for the Democratic Party across ten presidents and nearly five decades before finally succumbing to brain cancer late last night at his home in Massachusetts. While Kennedy was privileged to lead a rich and full life, it is tremendously sad that he should die at this moment in history. Ted Kennedy often referred to comprehensive healthcare reform as his “life’s work.” It seems depressingly ironic that now, as this nation is closer to completely transforming its healthcare system than ever before, Ted Kennedy will not be here to witness the fruits of his half-century labor. The Democratic Party, the United States Senate, and this nation, will miss him.

No healthcare musings this week, except for this comment on the debate - or the shouting matches passing for debate the past few weeks. The very fact that people can show up at town hall meetings carrying posters of the President with a Hitler mustache, screaming about Nazi policies and suggesting the tree of liberty be watered with the blood of patriots and tyrants, speaks volumes about how peaceful, serene, insular and utterly disconnected from the strife of history and the troubles of the rest of the world this country is. As some of my readers may know, two weeks ago I became U.S. citizen. Prior to the ceremony I waited in a room with 50 other people from 24 other countries, waiting to be sworn in. Some of those people came from countries where children starve to death because the government steals the food aid meant for families. Some came from countries were their next door neighbors murdered the neighbors two houses down with machetes because the government told them the tribe those neighbors came from was inferior and tainted the purity of the country. Some of those people came from countries where the government rounded up citizens of a rival ethnic group into detention centers and systematically “cleansed” them from existence. Many people in that room left countries headed by REAL tyrants, to re-build their lives in America. If the worst example of a tyrant in America is a President who feels that every citizen should have the right to quality, affordable healthcare, and that we should be willing to pay a little more to accomplish that, we’ll take it.

Blazing Saddles is showing on Country Music Television tonight. I find that somewhat bizarre.

In a somewhat disturbing preview of his memoirs to be released later this year, former (praise the Lord!) vice president Cheney indicated that in his second term, former President Bush “went soft” on him, rejecting his advice and bowing to political pressure from both law-makers and the electorate. Wow. You mean it could have been worse?

After several weeks of denying he would, the Los Angeles County coroner declared Michael Jackson’s death a homicide. Toxicology results indicate found lethal levels of the anesthetic Proposol in his system, which interacted with two other sedatives to cause his death. Jackson’s personal physician admitted he had sedated Jackson - at the singer’s request - in an attempt to allow Jackson to get some much needed yet elusive sleep. Obviously, this is not the sleep Michael Jackson was looking for.

John Schnatter, the Papa John of the Papa John’s Pizza franchise was finally reunited with the 1971 Chevy Camaro he was forced to sell in 1983 to keep his father’s tavern afloat and found his pizza empire. It only cost him $250,000. About 6200% more than the now previous owner paid for it in 2004, 1,240% per year. Not a bad return on investment.

Finally, incase you didn’t know, Sunday was National Go Topless Day. Men and women across the country were urged to go topless to show support for a woman’s right to bare her breasts in public. Now, I know what you’re thinking. This sounds like a fantastic idea. And it is. But there’s a catch. There’s always a catch. See, we tried this in Toronto several years ago, and we discovered something very important. Far more often than not, it’s the people who shouldn’t go topless in public, that go topless in public. Be careful what you wish for. You might not want it when you get it.