Guess You Should Have Gone to Rehab...

Today’s word is irony. Say it with me. Irony.

Late last week, in a move that surprised absolutely no one, presidential hopeful Barack Obama announced that he will forego $80 million in public financing and continue to raise record-breaking amounts of money on his own. This drew the ire of the McCain campaign, which wasted no time in labeling Obama a “flip-flopper” on the issue of public financing of political campaigns. According to McCain, Obama promised to accept public financing and abide by the rules of such a campaign if his opponent did the same. Of course, as it always is in politics, the truth is actually a little more nuanced. Obama promised to aggressively pursue an agreement with the opposing candidate to utilize public funding, if the opponent did the same. McCain, the opponent, did not officially accept public financing of his campaign until after Obama declared he would not. But truthfully, the facts are neither here nor there. The essence of the argument is as follows. A long time ago, Obama implied he would accept public financing. At the time he made said nuanced statement, no one anticipated the ridiculous amounts of money that would be raised during this campaign season. The candidates thought this would be a campaign on par with campaigns of the past. Oops. At this point, John McCain can’t buy fundraising, while Obama is growing greenbacks in his back yard. Why would Obama want to be limited to $80 million when he has already raised three times that during the primaries alone? And of course McCain wants to limit his opponent to public financing. He would be fortunate to raise another $80 million without the help of the system.

I guess I’m not as disturbed by Obama’s reversal on public financing than some other people. The purpose of the public financing system is to ensure that the public is not excluded from political influence at the expense of larger, wealthier donors. The Obama campaign has amassed over 1.5 million donors contributing less than $200 each. Sounds like public financing to me. Besides, conservatives should have two reasons to be excited. One, they hate public financing anyway. Because the government shouldn't pay for anything that doesn't blow stuff up, invade people's privacy, or keep out Mexicans. And two, Obama just saved the taxpayers $84 million. What’s not to like?

Candidates need to be careful when throwing around charges of “flip-flopping.” First, “flip-flopping” is a ridiculous word. No one should use it. Second, no one is immune from this type of charge. There isn’t a single politician who has not changed his or her mind on some issue at some point in time. Circumstances change and opinions evolve over time and as evidence becomes available. Now, I’m sure there are legitimate circumstances under which a candidate can be labeled as changing one’s mind for political gain. But if Obama “flip-flopped” on campaign finance, did McCain “flip-flop” on offshore drilling, immigration reform or certain interrogation techniques? There seems to be a fine line between “flip-flopping” and refining one’s position.

Oh, by the way, I'm a little tired of people pretending they don't know anything about Barack Obama's policies, and using that to justify their "uncertainty" about voting for him. If you truly don't know anything, it's because you've intentionally turned him out every time he's tried to tell you. How many policy speeches does he need to give on financial market reform, alternative energy, tax reform, the Iraq war, foreign policy and the like before people will admit he has a plan? How many times does he need to explain that he wants to eliminate income taxes for seniors making less than $50,000 a year, return the capital gains tax rate to between 25% and 28%, increase fuel economy standards, dramatically increase the amount spent on alternative energy, remove up to two brigades from Iraq per month, regulate Wall Street speculators, etc., before some people will admit that they really do know all that stuff and it has little to do with their "uncertainty" about voting for him? If you don't like what Senator Obama stands for, just say so. But don't pretend you don't know what he stands for.

A report issued today revealed that during the past seven years, the Justice Department routinely turned down highly qualified applicants with sparkling resumes from the nation’s finest institutions because they were deemed “liberal” or “Democratic”, and instead accepted less qualified applicants found to be more “conservative.” Is ANYONE remotely surprised by this? Anyone at all? The Bush Justice Department put politics ahead of justice. I’m stunned.

Zimbabwean opposition leader Morgan Tvsangirai has withdrawn from what he terms a “...sham of an election process,” and taken refuge in the Dutch embassy amidst rampant violence and the murder of his party members by persons affiliated with President Robert Mugabe’s ruling party. As a result, Mugabe will be declared the winner of the upcoming “election” this Friday, ensuring the continuation of what may be the most self-destructive African regime of the last quarter century. As usual, the rest of the world, including Zimbabwe’s African neighbors, gave speeches condemning Mugabe’s campaign of violence, but took no action whatsoever to correct the situation. Many question Tvsangirai’s decision to revoke his candidacy so close to an election which could potentially end the 26-year disaster that has been Mugabe’s rule. But people need to understand something. Heroes are still human beings. Tsvangirai has family and friends and co-workers and many others whom are put at risk of life and limb by his candidacy, and he has to be conscious of that fact. It’s not like America where more often that not the worst thing that happens to you when you disagree with the establishment is that you change the channel. At least for now, Tsvangirai lives to fight another day.

Two presidential tracking polls released within the past few days show Barack Obama leading John McCain by 12 to 15 points. These pollsters need to put down the marijuana cigarettes and get themselves a cup of coffee to calm their nerves. Polls should reflect what is happening, not what could or might or should happen. Yes, given all the factors, this is an election Democrats should win in a landslide. But, almost in spite of themselves, the Republicans have managed to nominate the one candidate they had who could give the Democrats a run for their money. Despite seven years of (insert noun /adjective combination here), this country is still closely divided and this will be a close election. Attempting to lull people into false senses of security or panic with voodoo polling does a disservice to this process.

Don Imus once again finds himself waist deep in the big muddy. The apparently 700-year-old Imus has decided to follow his much-publicized episode with the Rutgers women’s basketball team last year with a new racially-charged senior moment involving Dallas Cowboys cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones. In discussing Jones’ multiple arrests with his sportscaster, Imus seemed to imply that the reason Jones has found himself in so much trouble is because that is what young black men do. Imus said - the following day - that he was making a sarcastic point that blacks are often unfairly targeted by police. “What people should be outraged about is that they arrest blacks for no reason, and I mean there's no reason to arrest this kid six times," he said. "They shoot blacks for no reason." It might have helped his case had he made that point a little clearer at the time he made the original comment.

The U.S. Conference of Mayors met in Miami this past week and resolved to ban bottled water from all city buildings. Right. No resolution to reduce gun violence, no mass transit initiatives, no plans for community redevelopment. Just a ban on bottled water. Way to take a stand.

Saudi Arabia agreed to increase oil production by 300,000 barrels this week. Due to attacks on their oil pipelines, Nigeria decreased production by 300,000 barrels a day. The market yawned and gas prices rose three cents.

New York-based architect David Fisher has unveiled plans to construct an 80-story shape-shifting skyscraper in Dubai. It will be the first building in the world which will be able to continuously alter its physical appearance. Each floor, powered by wind turbines, will reportedly be able to rotate independently, allowing someone to reshape the building according to the shapes he or she finds in their Spaghetti O’s. Units will sell for approximately $3,000 per square foot. No, that is not a misprint. This just goes to prove, you just can’t give rich people money.

Finally, the denials issued by her publicist would seem to confirm reports that British pop-tart Amy Winehouse may have developed emphysema at the tender age of 24. Sigh. According to her father, Winehouse’s chain smoking and use of crack cocaine may have contributed to her condition. Guess that’s why you shouldn’t smoke crack. Let’s not downplay what she’s accomplished here. Amy Winehouse has managed to achieve in a quarter century what takes many people 70 or 80 years to accomplish.

Pipe Dreams

It’s finally Friday. I’m sorry, do we really need to have so many days between Monday and Friday? Raise your hand if you want three day work weeks with an afternoon siesta?

Last week’s round-up was a little short, mostly because the world is incredibly boring. But I am anything but boring - sometimes. So I offer up this supplement for your amusement.

General David Patreaus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker gave their semi-annual report on the Iraq war to Congress. The verdict? Progress is being made. Surprise! They fooled you, didn’t they. You thought they were going to say that so much progress has been made, they were packing up and rolling home, didn’t you. Silly rabbit. As long as progress is being made, this administration will not withdraw from Iraq. And make no mistake about it, as long as this administration is in office, progress is being made, regardless of whether progress really is being made or not.

While we’re on the subject, I’m sick of progress. Seriously. I’m bordering on physically ill. If I hear one more person mention the word progress I will collapse into convulsions, foaming at the mouth. As a matter of fact, I’m so sick of progress, I’m placing a moratorium on progress. From this moment on, I will no longer use the word p______s until it ceases to become a synonym for “screw you, we do whatever the hell we want.” Or until I forget what I just wrote. Whichever comes first.

President - and sore loser - Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe has ordered run-off elections to determine the winner of last month’s presidential elections. This despite the fact that the country’s election commission still refuses to release the results of the election to the public. Anybody else find that odd? Why would you hold a run-off election if you don’t know whether or not you won? And there is the rub. Mugabe lost his election, and he knows it. But he loves his 600,000% inflation rate so much he refuses to leave office and instead will insist on dragging out the process, beating his opposition to death and declaring victory by default. Consider this. How awful of a president to you have to be to lose an election you rigged to benefit yourself?

To the absolute surprise of NO ONE outside of the network, CBS cancelled it’s newest stomach-churning reality experience “Hidden Talents of the Stars” after two-thirds of an episode. For some reason it seems viewers weren’t all that interested in watching ensign Sulu sing Willie Nelson or Clint Black do his impression of David Letterman. Who knew? Anybody seen A Clockwork Orange? Remember the scene where they sit they strap Malcolm McDowell’s character to the chair, prop his eyes open with the metal pincers and force him to watch all the disturbing images in an attempt to cure his sociopathy? Why can’t we superglue all the network executives to a park bench in the Yellowknife in the middle of January, prop their eyes open with toothpicks and force them to watch every single minute of the mindless drivel they attempt to inflict on the public every day. Maybe then we won’t have to suffer through Lipstick Jungle and Big Brother 37.

Speaking of mindless drivel, there is another controversy brewing over political campaign finance reform. Republican Senator John McCain, co-author of the McCain-Feingold bill - seems to be having trouble raising money for his presidential campaign. The two remaining Democratic candidates have raised a total of over $500 million dollars to date, whereas McCain has managed to score little over $50 million - about 10% of their total. Republicans - who used to feel they had an advantage over Democrats in the fund-raising arena prior to the implementation of new campaign finance rules - have never quite forgiven McCain for drying up their funding and seem to be reluctant to contribute money. But, they also remember how effective the “Swift Boat” ads were at helping sink John Kerry’s bid for the presidency four years ago. So, several groups have filed lawsuits to overturn the limits on political contributions by individuals to both “non-profits” and to the candidates themselves. Now, while I am in favor of complete public funding of presidential elections, I’m not entirely opposed to this idea either. The Supreme Court has ruled on multiple occasions that political contributions are protected by the First Amendment as money equals speech. And like my First Amendment right as much - maybe more - than the next guy. And let’s face it. Regardless of what we do, “special interest” money - however you choose to define that term - always gets into politics and gums up the works. So instead of trying to limit contributions, let’s completely eliminate the restrictions. Allow any individual to contribute whatever amount he or she desires to the candidate of his or her choice. On two conditions. First, the contributor must be a human being. No more corporate donations, no more union donations, no more donations from anything that is not a living breathing human being. And second, full disclosure. Every dollar contributed must be accounted for and publicly accessible. When someone makes a donation, his or her name goes up on a campaign finance section of the candidate’s website, along with the amount they have contributed. With this system, anyone could find out exactly who donated to whom and how much. No more hiding behind organizations like People For the American Way, or America Coming Together or Middle-aged Bisexuals for Tea and Crumpets on Tuesdays. The Constitution guarantees individuals the right to freedom of speech, not anonymity. If you feel strongly enough to say what you want, you shouldn’t have to hide behind some faceless entity to say it.

About 2,784 years ago a bunch of Greeks got together and said, “Hey, you know what would be really cool? We should all get together, get naked, and compete against each other in some sports!” And thus the Olympics were born. Now, 2,784 years - and a gazillion dollars later, I would humbly suggest we return to the original idea. If nothing else we could increase viewership. There is a second controversy brewing ahead of this summer’s Beijing games. It surrounds a new swimsuit developed by Speedo that reportedly increases a swimmer’s speed by about 2%. These aren’t figments of the marketing department’s imagination. Since February, 23 swimming world records have been broken, 22 of them by swimmers wearing the new suit. There are some people - mostly those sponsored, employed by or invested in Speedo - who view this breakthrough suit as the greatest thing to happen to the sport since the invention of the heated pool. These people are idiots. I don’t know if anyone remembers this, but the Olympic games are actually about fair competition between human beings. When said human beings ingest or inject synthetic (or in some cases natural) substances to enhance their performance, we call that that cheating. Yet when these same human beings encapsulate themselves in synthetic substances to enhance their performance, we call that progr..., um... advancement. I don’t see the difference. Both techniques provide certain competitors with a distinct advantage over the others. True, anyone can purchase the new swimsuit if they are willing to shell out $600. But, anyone could inject themselves with anabolic steroids as well. Both methods produce the same result. The new swimsuit amounts to little more than a technological steroid. Competition should be between the athletes, not their sponsors. I’m fully aware that there is too much money invested in the modern Olympic machine to emphasize the athletics over the commercialism. But wouldn’t it be nice to hold a competition for the purpose of showcasing the sport instead of the sponsorships? Let’s hear it for athletic men and women running, jumping, flipping and swimming in the nude!

Finally, a suburb of San Francisco has petitioned to rename its sewage treatment plant the George W. Bush Sewage Treatment Plant. If they were looking for a story that would write its own jokes, mission accomplished. Tee hee hee.