It’s been said that the week before the Superbowl is the slowest news week of the year. Yeah, slow like a red-suited kid at the Running of the Bulls.
According to the news reports, the most important story of the past ten days, hands down, was the fact that New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was spotted visiting his uber-model girlfriend Giselle Bunchen’s New York City apartment wearing a walking cast on his right ankle. One could be excused if one found his or herself under the impression that Armageddon was upon us all and the Four Horsemen were galloping down Broadway spewing war, famine, pestilence and death all over Times Square. With the Savior reportedly crippled, the Giants now cling to some glimmer of hope that the game might actually turn in their favor. But a quick review of the videotape evidence reveals one very important factor mysteriously left out of most of the breathless reports. Tom Brady was WALKING! And Tom Brady walking - cast or not – is worth at least three regular human quarterbacks with rocket packs and catapults for arms. If he somehow dies between now and Sunday night, let me know. If not, my money’s on Brady.
The six people out there not deluged with “Bootgate” might have heard that Senator Barack Obama obliterated the competition in last Saturday’s South Carolina Democratic Primary by a whopping 28 points. Like he was Tiger Woods and the other two were John Daly. Analysis of the victory has been mixed. Some see this as a sign that Obama’s candidacy is alive and well and picking up steam heading into February 5th “Tsunami Tuesday.” Other’s see the facts that he swept 83% of the black vote, but picked up only 25% of the white vote as a sign his candidacy doesn’t have a broad enough appeal to win in Southern states. Well, before I offer my evaluation, let’s consider the following. Before his victory in Iowa, Obama trailed Clinton among black voters in South Carolina by about the same margin by which he won this past weekend. That was only a month ago. Also, if exit polling can be considered reliable – and there is no guarantee it can be – Obama has done very well among middle-class, affluent, and college educated whites in each of the previous contests, often surpassing Clinton’s support among said groups. I’ve lived in America for quite some time now. Is it surprising to ANYONE that a bi-racial man named Barack Obama garnered only a quarter of the white vote in a largely poor Southern state where the Confederate flag still flies above the State Capitol? Evaluating his success with white voters based solely on the results of South Carolina does him a great disservice.
Which brings us, sadly, to Bill Clinton. Could someone please explain to me the appeal of this man – especially among minorities? I understand that at some point during the previous millennium he was a polarizing, yet fairly popular president. But that was a long, long time ago, and many things have changed since then. He now comes off as a tottering old fool who speaks before he thinks, and insists on playing politics as usual at a time when the public seems to want anything but politics as usual. Realizing Senator Clinton faced a difficult challenge in South Carolina, the former president decided to lend his expertise to her campaign. America’s “first Black President” attempted to marginalize Senator Obama by painting him as “the black candidate”, knowing such a characterization in a state like South Carolina – and perhaps nationally – would diminish his appeal among white voters. After Obama’s victory Saturday night Clinton was quick to point out that Jesse Jackson won the South Carolina primary in 1984 and 1988, before being soundly defeated in the following round of primaries, clearly attempting to associate Obama and those who would vote for him with a figure a large portion of white America finds shrill and phony at best, distasteful and dangerous at worst. Cleverly smearing the opponent without appearing to smear the opponent is a decent political strategy if you are a nameless, faceless party operative. It’s considerably less impressive when you’ve taken every opportunity to tell any minority who would listen how well you understand what they go through and how much you feel their pain. At this point it should be obvious that the only pain Bill Clinton is feeling is the pain caused by the insertion of his shiny leather shoe into his mouth.
Returning to the theme of presidential primaries, Senator John McCain emerged victorious from Tuesday’s Florida Republican primary with a five-point victory over his closest rival, Mitt Romney. This is a quality win for McCain as the knock against him to this point has been that most of his support came from conservative-leaning independent voters and that he had little support among the core of the Republican Party. Florida’s primary is a closed primary, meaning that only registered Republicans could cast ballots. This would seem to indicate that McCain has at least enough support among party faithful to carry a state with a meaningful amount of delegates. Former Governor Romney has decided he will continue to campaign in hopes that he can pull off enough upsets this coming Tuesday to retake the lead. Florida is, however, the end of the line (a very short line) for former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. With what has now been confirmed as the WORST campaign strategy in the HISTORY of campaign strategies, Giuliani can now return home to his secret underground bunker in New York City and draft anti-terrorism speeches for McCain featuring copious use of references to 9/11.
In case you’re wondering about the results of the Florida Democratic primary, don’t bother. Like Michigan, Florida decided they wanted to make themselves more relevant to the primary process by moving up the date of their primary against the wishes of the Democratic Party. And, just like Michigan, the DNC stripped the state of its delegates, making the new and improved earlier primary, irrelevant and pointless. Of course this has lead to a lot of whining and complaining among voters and pundits alike who feel this is unfair and disenfranchises the voters of that state. On some level, they are correct. Not counting votes disenfranchises the voters who cast them. But you know what? Too bad. Florida knew the rules. They knew the consequences of breaking the rules. Yet, like the two year old who’s told never to touch the hot stove, they went ahead and did it anyway, only to bitch and moan about the smoke pouring from their fingers afterward. Nobody feels sorry for you. In the sometimes indecipherable words of the great Thom Yorke, “You do it to yourself you do / that’s what really hurts / You do it to yourself you do / you and no one else.”
Anyone unfortunate enough not to have cable was probably forced to view some portion of President Bush’s final State of the Union address. I have to admit I watched the first 15 or 20 minutes before switching over to cheating spouses taking lie detector tests on Maury, and was almost completely bored to tears. It was full of the usual stuff; blah blah blah tax cuts, blah blah blah progress, blah blah blah school vouchers, that sort of thing. There was one line that caught my ear though. He promised to issue an executive order instructing all federal agencies to ignore any directives arising from earmarks not voted on and approved by a majority in the House and Senate. I am of the opinion that earmarks are of the devil, so anything that will rid us of that plague earns my vote, but there are several interesting things about this initiative. The idea was greeted with thunderous applause from the gallery – a gallery filled with people who have spent their entire political careers attaching unrelated earmarks to spending bills. Apparently they don’t think the new rules will apply to them. President Bush has gleefully passed bill after bill loaded with earmarks during his six years of a Republican controlled Congress. Why the feeble attempt at frugality only after the opposition takes over? And the effect of this bill would be very similar to the effect of a line item veto – which has been coveted by many a president and already ruled unconstitutional by the Supreme Court. But I guess we shouldn’t be surprised by this White House’s lack of regard for Supreme Court decisions it disagrees with.
In non-political news, golf has returned to the headlines. In January. But that’s okay. All is right with the world, Tiger Woods is back on the course. And, picking up where he left off last season, Tiger strolled into the Buick Invitational this past weekend and rolled out with a 19-under, eight shot victory, tying him with the legendary Arnold Palmer for fourth place on the all-time tour list. Arnold Palmer was 43 went he set his mark. Woods is only 32. Kelly Tilghman couldn't be reached for comment. If there is ANY doubt in ANYONE’S mind that this guy is the greatest golfer EVER to walk the earth, there’s a special place in a sanitarium in Battle Creek waiting just for you.
Finally, for anyone still unsure, a CNN.com headline today confirmed that Britney Spears suffers from mental issues. I for one am absolutely floored by this news. I simply never saw it coming. Who could have anticipated this? I mean, why would anyone assume that prancing about Hollywood without panties in the company of wholesome, positive role models like Paris Hilton, spontaneously shaving ones head and displaying worse parenting skills than some dude named K-Fed might be an indication of mental issues? I wonder how much they paid to make that “medical” evaluation? I'm in the wrong line of work
1.30.2008
1.21.2008
...Without the Enthusiasm
Not a whole lot to get to this week, so I figured I’d get started a little early. I don’t think I’ve ever been early for anything. Not sure how this is going to work out.
As if the sports media’s constant blathering about the Yankees and the Red Sox wasn’t bad enough, we will now be treated to two solid weeks of gibberish about the Giants and the Patriots. I can’t wait. Congratulations to the Giants, I hope the Patriots complete the perfect season.
Apparently I was completely wrong about Michigan. People did come out in 26-degree weather to vote “uncommitted.” As a matter of fact, 40% of voters in the Democratic primary voted “uncommitted.” How about that. Almost half of the voters committed to being uncommitted, and all of them completely wasted their time. The irony of making your primary irrelevant by trying to make it relevant should be lost on no one.
As expected, John McCain walked away with the Republican version of the South Carolina primary, while Mitt Romney clubbed second place finisher Ron Paul over the head with the Nevada Republican Caucus, and Senator Clinton pulled out a six-point victory over Senator Obama in the state’s Democratic version of said event. Unfortunately for everyone with money on Duncan Hunter to capture the Republican nomination, he has decided his campaign was accomplishing nothing and decided to drop out. Why he remained in the race this long is beyond me. Ask anyone if they know who Duncan Hunter is and listen to them answer, “Isn’t that the guy with the cake mixes?” There are several other candidates remaining in the race who should probably follow Hunter’s lead. Here I’m thinking particularly of four guys named Thompson, Paul, Kucinich and Edwards. But I guess people need to come to conclusions of that nature on their own.
What all this primary nonsense means at this point is anybody’s guess. It’s obvious we won’t know anything for sure until the night of February 5, after 24 states have made their decision regarding the respective nominees. However, if things continue on the current path (with McCain and Clinton seemingly in the lead), we will at least have learned one thing: the Iowa Caucuses are completely useless and can be scrapped the next time around.
Several weeks ago a tiger escaped from its pen at the San Francisco Zoo and attacked three youths, killing one of them, before police killed the animal. The two surviving victims and their families, and several lawyers itching to take the case blamed the attack on an enclosure wall which was found to be four feet lower than industry standard. However, further investigation has subsequently revealed that the three morons in question were not only intoxicated with both alcohol and marijuana, but also taunted the tiger as well, shouting at it, waving their arms, climbing the railing at the edge of the tiger moat and possibly throwing things at the animal. What’s that saying again? Don’t poke the bear? Or tiger in this case? The lawyer for the family of the mauled teenager has tried to emphasize that whether or not the boys taunted the animal, the zoo has a legal responsibility to protect the public from the animals it houses. And while the lawyer may be legally correct, understand this. The wall of the tiger enclosure at the San Francisco Zoo has ALWAYS been four feet shorter than industry standard. The tiger enclosure has ALWAYS had tigers in it. Yet intoxicated teenagers are not mauled by tigers on a regular basis. What’s different about this case? Sometimes nature has a way of weeding out the idiots.
I just read a great slogan on a t-shirt for sale at Cafepress.com. “Depression is anger without the enthusiasm.” Truer words have never been written.
One week after Golf Channel anchor Kelly Tilghman jokingly suggested lynching Tiger Woods in a back alley, and several days after Tiger released a statement saying that even thought Tilghman was an insensitive b!#@&, he was not offended by the remark and felt that people should just let it go, Golfweek Magazine decided to run with the image of a noose on it’s cover. I know that may be hard to believe, but it’s true. Except for the part about Tilghman being an insensitive… you know what. Tiger didn’t say that. I did. Anyway, one day after Golfweek ran the cover with the noose, it fired its longtime editor and vice president, Dave Seanor, for sending the magazine to press with said cover. Of course this took place after all the sponsors threatened to pull their advertising, but that’s really beside the point. Several things could easily have prevented this whole ugly incident from happening in the first place. First, to reiterate what I said last week, if there were Golf Channel, Kelly Tilghman would have had no venue from which to make asinine statements. I blame cable for that. Second, what the hell is Golfweek Magazine? How many articles can you possibly write about the proper way to follow through on your drive? Seriously, trees have to give their lives for this drivel? And finally, even if we overlook the first two mistakes, anyone with the least bit of understanding of the history of race in this country would have known better than to place such an incendiary image on the cover of a sports magazine. This is, in essence, a question of venue. If Time Magazine places an image of a noose on its cover one can least expect quality reporting and an in-depth discussion of all the issues surrounding the noose and the comments and whatever else. When Golkweek places an image of a noose on its cover all it does is trivialize a potent symbol of violence and hate for the purpose of selling a couple magazines. It would be akin to Motor Trend running a story about Nazi death camps with a picture of a gas chamber on the cover. Sometimes the forum just doesn’t fit the discussion. Dave Seanor should have known that. Obviously he didn’t.
Finally, Matthew Kowald of Pardeeville, Wisconsin, was arrested last Monday and jailed until Wednesday for taping a Green Bay Packers jersey to his 7-year-old son during their victory over the Seattle Seahawks the day before. Kowald was apparently upset when the kid refused to root for his father’s team and decided he could fix that quite easily. The local district attorney admitted there is no law against a parent restraining a child, and she could find no evidence of emotional damage, thereby making it impossible to file felony charges in the case. So Kowald’s punishment was limited to the two days he spent in jail and a $186 fine. I think the moral of this story is that as strange as it may seem, football fans can get a little crazy at times. That’s why they call them fans. It’s short for fanatic. Let’s just be glad he couldn’t find the staple gun.
As if the sports media’s constant blathering about the Yankees and the Red Sox wasn’t bad enough, we will now be treated to two solid weeks of gibberish about the Giants and the Patriots. I can’t wait. Congratulations to the Giants, I hope the Patriots complete the perfect season.
Apparently I was completely wrong about Michigan. People did come out in 26-degree weather to vote “uncommitted.” As a matter of fact, 40% of voters in the Democratic primary voted “uncommitted.” How about that. Almost half of the voters committed to being uncommitted, and all of them completely wasted their time. The irony of making your primary irrelevant by trying to make it relevant should be lost on no one.
As expected, John McCain walked away with the Republican version of the South Carolina primary, while Mitt Romney clubbed second place finisher Ron Paul over the head with the Nevada Republican Caucus, and Senator Clinton pulled out a six-point victory over Senator Obama in the state’s Democratic version of said event. Unfortunately for everyone with money on Duncan Hunter to capture the Republican nomination, he has decided his campaign was accomplishing nothing and decided to drop out. Why he remained in the race this long is beyond me. Ask anyone if they know who Duncan Hunter is and listen to them answer, “Isn’t that the guy with the cake mixes?” There are several other candidates remaining in the race who should probably follow Hunter’s lead. Here I’m thinking particularly of four guys named Thompson, Paul, Kucinich and Edwards. But I guess people need to come to conclusions of that nature on their own.
What all this primary nonsense means at this point is anybody’s guess. It’s obvious we won’t know anything for sure until the night of February 5, after 24 states have made their decision regarding the respective nominees. However, if things continue on the current path (with McCain and Clinton seemingly in the lead), we will at least have learned one thing: the Iowa Caucuses are completely useless and can be scrapped the next time around.
Several weeks ago a tiger escaped from its pen at the San Francisco Zoo and attacked three youths, killing one of them, before police killed the animal. The two surviving victims and their families, and several lawyers itching to take the case blamed the attack on an enclosure wall which was found to be four feet lower than industry standard. However, further investigation has subsequently revealed that the three morons in question were not only intoxicated with both alcohol and marijuana, but also taunted the tiger as well, shouting at it, waving their arms, climbing the railing at the edge of the tiger moat and possibly throwing things at the animal. What’s that saying again? Don’t poke the bear? Or tiger in this case? The lawyer for the family of the mauled teenager has tried to emphasize that whether or not the boys taunted the animal, the zoo has a legal responsibility to protect the public from the animals it houses. And while the lawyer may be legally correct, understand this. The wall of the tiger enclosure at the San Francisco Zoo has ALWAYS been four feet shorter than industry standard. The tiger enclosure has ALWAYS had tigers in it. Yet intoxicated teenagers are not mauled by tigers on a regular basis. What’s different about this case? Sometimes nature has a way of weeding out the idiots.
I just read a great slogan on a t-shirt for sale at Cafepress.com. “Depression is anger without the enthusiasm.” Truer words have never been written.
One week after Golf Channel anchor Kelly Tilghman jokingly suggested lynching Tiger Woods in a back alley, and several days after Tiger released a statement saying that even thought Tilghman was an insensitive b!#@&, he was not offended by the remark and felt that people should just let it go, Golfweek Magazine decided to run with the image of a noose on it’s cover. I know that may be hard to believe, but it’s true. Except for the part about Tilghman being an insensitive… you know what. Tiger didn’t say that. I did. Anyway, one day after Golfweek ran the cover with the noose, it fired its longtime editor and vice president, Dave Seanor, for sending the magazine to press with said cover. Of course this took place after all the sponsors threatened to pull their advertising, but that’s really beside the point. Several things could easily have prevented this whole ugly incident from happening in the first place. First, to reiterate what I said last week, if there were Golf Channel, Kelly Tilghman would have had no venue from which to make asinine statements. I blame cable for that. Second, what the hell is Golfweek Magazine? How many articles can you possibly write about the proper way to follow through on your drive? Seriously, trees have to give their lives for this drivel? And finally, even if we overlook the first two mistakes, anyone with the least bit of understanding of the history of race in this country would have known better than to place such an incendiary image on the cover of a sports magazine. This is, in essence, a question of venue. If Time Magazine places an image of a noose on its cover one can least expect quality reporting and an in-depth discussion of all the issues surrounding the noose and the comments and whatever else. When Golkweek places an image of a noose on its cover all it does is trivialize a potent symbol of violence and hate for the purpose of selling a couple magazines. It would be akin to Motor Trend running a story about Nazi death camps with a picture of a gas chamber on the cover. Sometimes the forum just doesn’t fit the discussion. Dave Seanor should have known that. Obviously he didn’t.
Finally, Matthew Kowald of Pardeeville, Wisconsin, was arrested last Monday and jailed until Wednesday for taping a Green Bay Packers jersey to his 7-year-old son during their victory over the Seattle Seahawks the day before. Kowald was apparently upset when the kid refused to root for his father’s team and decided he could fix that quite easily. The local district attorney admitted there is no law against a parent restraining a child, and she could find no evidence of emotional damage, thereby making it impossible to file felony charges in the case. So Kowald’s punishment was limited to the two days he spent in jail and a $186 fine. I think the moral of this story is that as strange as it may seem, football fans can get a little crazy at times. That’s why they call them fans. It’s short for fanatic. Let’s just be glad he couldn’t find the staple gun.
1.16.2008
The Devil Made Me Do It
At this point last week 18 inches of snow was melting in 65 degree January weather, flooding parts of this city. Tomorrow morning I’m going to have to shovel my way out my garage. Somebody give me one good reason to live in the Midwest.
Congratulations to the Patriots, Packers, Chargers and Giants. The experts got at least two - if not three of this weekend’s games wrong. The Kool-Aid ran out on the geniuses predicting a Jacksonville upset of the still perfect New England Patriots. Despite the loss of all three marque offensive players, San Diego strolled into Indianapolis and walked away with their first playoff victory in over a decade. Because of this, and a sluggish Dallas offense, the “wrong” Manning will advance to the Conference Championship game next Sunday. And, in the first playoff snowstorm in Lambeau Field history, Brett Favre tossed touchdowns and snowballs at his receivers in a 22-points clobbering of the previously formidable Seattle Seahawks. I’m not going to make any predictions, but I can tell you one Packer fan’s dream Superbowl scenario. Patriots and Packers meet in a rematch of 1997, the game goes down to the wire, Favre tosses the game winning touchdown with no time left on the clock, his teammates carry him and the trophy off the field on their shoulders and once Favre reaches the parking lot, he drives off into the Arizona sunset a football legend, never to return to the game.
We covered both Iowa and New Hampshire last week, so we won’t revisit them tonight. On the docket this Tuesday is the Michigan primary. In the past the Michigan primary has been largely irrelevant. This year, Democrats decided to change that and disregarding warnings from party leadership, moved the date of their primary up to challenge Iowa and New Hampshire. So this time, during this most important of elections, Michigan’s Democratic primary will mean... absolutely nothing. So congratulations on making Michigan matter to nobody. It’s sad because there are issues significant to the state - and many parts of the country that simply aren’t covered by Iowa and New Hampshire. But, at least one side of that debate will not be recognized thanks to political brinkmanship gone bad. Despite this, the governor is still encouraging citizens to go out and cast their votes tomorrow - for “uncommitted” if the candidate they favor does not appear on the ballot. It’s 26 degrees in Michigan. Nobody’s coming out to vote for “uncommitted”.
This past week there has been some kind of brew ha ha over what Bill & Hillary Clinton may or may not have said about Barack Obama and one Dr. King, and what that says about the state of race relations in this country. I’ve listened to the entire context of the quotes being thrown around and honestly, the facts of the stories are much ado about nothing. But the stories themselves are dangerous to what has so far been a well run and remarkably cordial Democratic campaign. Part of the reason Barack Obama has performed so well in this primary campaign is that he - and his opponents - have avoided making race an issue. In the past, black candidates have insisted on emphasizing their blackness and succeeded in accomplishing nothing but hard feelings. Non-hispanic whites comprise greater than 70% of the population of this country, and for whatever reason, they do not like to talk about race. The subject makes them uncomfortable, and causes them to tune out. If this race becomes about black and white and oppression and reconciliation, Obama can pack his bags and hop a train back to Chicago. The strength of his campaign is that he makes people feel like people - not white people or black people, just people. Deviation from that message will put a premature end to this run at history.
While on the subject of race and politics, some interesting documents were injected into the political debate courtesy of Ron Paul. Maybe. Newsletters published under Ron Paul’s name in the late 1980s and 1990s contain many disparaging remarks about Jews, homosexuals and African Americans. One newsletter from June of 1992, following the Rodney King-related Los Angeles riots, reports that, “order was only restored in L.A. when it came time for the blacks to pick up their welfare checks. Ron Paul has (wisely) distanced himself from the letters, claiming he did not write any of the articles, has “no idea” who did, and has never even read said articles. Must have been the OTHER Ron Paul, Republican congressman from Texas. Now I don’t like to judge people based on things that may or may not have taken place 16 years ago, but someone in Ron Paul’s position needs to be aware of what is being published in his name. If you didn’t issue these newsletters, you should have determined who did and taken steps to prevent them from damaging your reputation. But if you did publish comments of that nature, well, I guess it doesn’t really matter. No one takes you seriously anyway.
In perhaps the most bizarre story of the week, police in Tyler, Texas have charged a 25-year-old man with capital murder after finding his girlfriend’s ear boiling in a pot on his stove with a fork stuck in a piece of her flesh on a plate at the crime scene. It is unclear at this time whether or not the suspect actually consumed any of his girlfriend, but once one has killed and boiled someone else, what difference does it make whether one eats them or not. The damage has already been done. Now, I know some of you might be thinking “what the devil would cause someone to murder, dismember and possibly cannibalize a loved one?” Well, according to the murderer himself, God told him to do it. That’s right, the Creator of the Universe came to him in the middle of the night and said (in a deep, booming, Creator-of-the-Universe voice), “Christopher! Rise from thy slumber, slay thine girlfriend and cook her liver with some fava beans!” A suggestion to prison officials who will enjoy the company of this idiot until the State of Texas can stick the needle in his arm: hide the Bibles and stock up on the lithium. This one’s a real piece of work.
Golf Channel anchor Kelly Tilghman was suspended for two weeks for comments she made regarding the legendary Tiger Woods. The offending phrase was uttered during banter with her co-host Nick Faldo at the Mercedes Benz Championship. In reference to how young golfers might challenge a dominant Woods, Faldo said, “To take Tiger on, well yeah, they should just gang up for a while...”, to which Tilghman interrupted with a chuckle, “Lynch him in a back alley.” (For anyone who doesn’t know, the suggestion of lynching does not sit well with black people.) Almost before the words left her mouth people were calling for Ms. Tilghman’s job and threatening to boycott and picket the Golf Channel until that happens. To her credit, Tilghman immediately fell on her sword and apologized profusely to anyone who would listen - including Tiger Woods. And Tiger subsequently released a statement through his agent confirming the he and Tilghman have been friends for a long time, did not perceive any ill intent in her comments, and considers the remark a non-issue. But that’s not good enough for some folks, who are still demanding her job. I don’t know Kelly Tilghman from the Kelly Bluebook. She may be the sweetest person ever to walk a golf course, I don’t know. But I have to question why the first words that came to her mind in that situation were “lynch him in a back alley”. I think that probably says something about Ms. Tilghman that perhaps she needs to examine. But the slight - intentional or not - was directed specifically at Woods, and if he says the case is closed, then the case is closed. The moral of this story? There are far too many channels on cable television. Come on, the Golf Channel? Seriously? What's next, a Food Network? Television specifically for women?
The Dumbass of the Week award goes to one Adam “Pacman” Jones. You may remember his as the NFL player suspended from the league for repeated altercations with the law - usually taking place in strip clubs. Well, the Pacman is gobbling up some more trouble as he was charged this past week with assaulting a woman - guess where - in a strip club. This guy just doesn’t learn. He does not, cannot, and will not get it. All he has to do is stay out of trouble. It’s not that difficult. Some people manage to leave their whole lives without making a complete fool/felon out of themselves. If you ever find yourself in a strip club, and you happen to see the Pacman wandering in your direction, leave. Immediately. Run - don't walk - to the nearest exit. Nothing good can come from mixing this clown and and naked women. It can only end in tears.
Finally, while we’re discussing nudity, a 26-year-old female high school gym teacher in Coraopolis, Pennsylvania was charged with sending nude pictures of herself and sexually suggestive cell phone messages to a 14-year-old male freshman at her school. The teacher, (who is married of course), sent three pictures of herself (two of them in her birthday suit) by cell phone to the kid, who replied with a risque picture of his own. She is currently being held on $50,000 bond awaiting her preliminary hearing. High school has changed a little since I last attended. The only thing I ever received from a high school teacher - attractive or not, was a grade. There was never any exchange of nudie pictures over the telnet system in the computer lab. I’m pretty sure that sort of thing would never have been tolerated. But, I’m 31 years old. Obviously I’m out of touch with modern teaching methods. What better way to get an adolescent to remember that the capital of Djibouti is Djibouti, than to send him a naked picture of yourself, right? Can’t believe none of my teachers never thought of that.
Congratulations to the Patriots, Packers, Chargers and Giants. The experts got at least two - if not three of this weekend’s games wrong. The Kool-Aid ran out on the geniuses predicting a Jacksonville upset of the still perfect New England Patriots. Despite the loss of all three marque offensive players, San Diego strolled into Indianapolis and walked away with their first playoff victory in over a decade. Because of this, and a sluggish Dallas offense, the “wrong” Manning will advance to the Conference Championship game next Sunday. And, in the first playoff snowstorm in Lambeau Field history, Brett Favre tossed touchdowns and snowballs at his receivers in a 22-points clobbering of the previously formidable Seattle Seahawks. I’m not going to make any predictions, but I can tell you one Packer fan’s dream Superbowl scenario. Patriots and Packers meet in a rematch of 1997, the game goes down to the wire, Favre tosses the game winning touchdown with no time left on the clock, his teammates carry him and the trophy off the field on their shoulders and once Favre reaches the parking lot, he drives off into the Arizona sunset a football legend, never to return to the game.
We covered both Iowa and New Hampshire last week, so we won’t revisit them tonight. On the docket this Tuesday is the Michigan primary. In the past the Michigan primary has been largely irrelevant. This year, Democrats decided to change that and disregarding warnings from party leadership, moved the date of their primary up to challenge Iowa and New Hampshire. So this time, during this most important of elections, Michigan’s Democratic primary will mean... absolutely nothing. So congratulations on making Michigan matter to nobody. It’s sad because there are issues significant to the state - and many parts of the country that simply aren’t covered by Iowa and New Hampshire. But, at least one side of that debate will not be recognized thanks to political brinkmanship gone bad. Despite this, the governor is still encouraging citizens to go out and cast their votes tomorrow - for “uncommitted” if the candidate they favor does not appear on the ballot. It’s 26 degrees in Michigan. Nobody’s coming out to vote for “uncommitted”.
This past week there has been some kind of brew ha ha over what Bill & Hillary Clinton may or may not have said about Barack Obama and one Dr. King, and what that says about the state of race relations in this country. I’ve listened to the entire context of the quotes being thrown around and honestly, the facts of the stories are much ado about nothing. But the stories themselves are dangerous to what has so far been a well run and remarkably cordial Democratic campaign. Part of the reason Barack Obama has performed so well in this primary campaign is that he - and his opponents - have avoided making race an issue. In the past, black candidates have insisted on emphasizing their blackness and succeeded in accomplishing nothing but hard feelings. Non-hispanic whites comprise greater than 70% of the population of this country, and for whatever reason, they do not like to talk about race. The subject makes them uncomfortable, and causes them to tune out. If this race becomes about black and white and oppression and reconciliation, Obama can pack his bags and hop a train back to Chicago. The strength of his campaign is that he makes people feel like people - not white people or black people, just people. Deviation from that message will put a premature end to this run at history.
While on the subject of race and politics, some interesting documents were injected into the political debate courtesy of Ron Paul. Maybe. Newsletters published under Ron Paul’s name in the late 1980s and 1990s contain many disparaging remarks about Jews, homosexuals and African Americans. One newsletter from June of 1992, following the Rodney King-related Los Angeles riots, reports that, “order was only restored in L.A. when it came time for the blacks to pick up their welfare checks. Ron Paul has (wisely) distanced himself from the letters, claiming he did not write any of the articles, has “no idea” who did, and has never even read said articles. Must have been the OTHER Ron Paul, Republican congressman from Texas. Now I don’t like to judge people based on things that may or may not have taken place 16 years ago, but someone in Ron Paul’s position needs to be aware of what is being published in his name. If you didn’t issue these newsletters, you should have determined who did and taken steps to prevent them from damaging your reputation. But if you did publish comments of that nature, well, I guess it doesn’t really matter. No one takes you seriously anyway.
In perhaps the most bizarre story of the week, police in Tyler, Texas have charged a 25-year-old man with capital murder after finding his girlfriend’s ear boiling in a pot on his stove with a fork stuck in a piece of her flesh on a plate at the crime scene. It is unclear at this time whether or not the suspect actually consumed any of his girlfriend, but once one has killed and boiled someone else, what difference does it make whether one eats them or not. The damage has already been done. Now, I know some of you might be thinking “what the devil would cause someone to murder, dismember and possibly cannibalize a loved one?” Well, according to the murderer himself, God told him to do it. That’s right, the Creator of the Universe came to him in the middle of the night and said (in a deep, booming, Creator-of-the-Universe voice), “Christopher! Rise from thy slumber, slay thine girlfriend and cook her liver with some fava beans!” A suggestion to prison officials who will enjoy the company of this idiot until the State of Texas can stick the needle in his arm: hide the Bibles and stock up on the lithium. This one’s a real piece of work.
Golf Channel anchor Kelly Tilghman was suspended for two weeks for comments she made regarding the legendary Tiger Woods. The offending phrase was uttered during banter with her co-host Nick Faldo at the Mercedes Benz Championship. In reference to how young golfers might challenge a dominant Woods, Faldo said, “To take Tiger on, well yeah, they should just gang up for a while...”, to which Tilghman interrupted with a chuckle, “Lynch him in a back alley.” (For anyone who doesn’t know, the suggestion of lynching does not sit well with black people.) Almost before the words left her mouth people were calling for Ms. Tilghman’s job and threatening to boycott and picket the Golf Channel until that happens. To her credit, Tilghman immediately fell on her sword and apologized profusely to anyone who would listen - including Tiger Woods. And Tiger subsequently released a statement through his agent confirming the he and Tilghman have been friends for a long time, did not perceive any ill intent in her comments, and considers the remark a non-issue. But that’s not good enough for some folks, who are still demanding her job. I don’t know Kelly Tilghman from the Kelly Bluebook. She may be the sweetest person ever to walk a golf course, I don’t know. But I have to question why the first words that came to her mind in that situation were “lynch him in a back alley”. I think that probably says something about Ms. Tilghman that perhaps she needs to examine. But the slight - intentional or not - was directed specifically at Woods, and if he says the case is closed, then the case is closed. The moral of this story? There are far too many channels on cable television. Come on, the Golf Channel? Seriously? What's next, a Food Network? Television specifically for women?
The Dumbass of the Week award goes to one Adam “Pacman” Jones. You may remember his as the NFL player suspended from the league for repeated altercations with the law - usually taking place in strip clubs. Well, the Pacman is gobbling up some more trouble as he was charged this past week with assaulting a woman - guess where - in a strip club. This guy just doesn’t learn. He does not, cannot, and will not get it. All he has to do is stay out of trouble. It’s not that difficult. Some people manage to leave their whole lives without making a complete fool/felon out of themselves. If you ever find yourself in a strip club, and you happen to see the Pacman wandering in your direction, leave. Immediately. Run - don't walk - to the nearest exit. Nothing good can come from mixing this clown and and naked women. It can only end in tears.
Finally, while we’re discussing nudity, a 26-year-old female high school gym teacher in Coraopolis, Pennsylvania was charged with sending nude pictures of herself and sexually suggestive cell phone messages to a 14-year-old male freshman at her school. The teacher, (who is married of course), sent three pictures of herself (two of them in her birthday suit) by cell phone to the kid, who replied with a risque picture of his own. She is currently being held on $50,000 bond awaiting her preliminary hearing. High school has changed a little since I last attended. The only thing I ever received from a high school teacher - attractive or not, was a grade. There was never any exchange of nudie pictures over the telnet system in the computer lab. I’m pretty sure that sort of thing would never have been tolerated. But, I’m 31 years old. Obviously I’m out of touch with modern teaching methods. What better way to get an adolescent to remember that the capital of Djibouti is Djibouti, than to send him a naked picture of yourself, right? Can’t believe none of my teachers never thought of that.
1.09.2008
Movin' On Up
What a difference a day makes. At bed time last night Barack Obama led Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire polls by somewhere between 9-13 percent. At bedtime tonight, it appears as though Hillary Clinton has defeated Barack Obama in the New Hampshire primary by two points. Oh, and John McCain rolled over Mitt Romney by five. But we’ll pay attention to that race once - if - it starts to get interesting.
So, keeping in mind that a small homogenous northeastern state may or may not accurately reflect the views of the rest of the country, what did we learn from the New Hampshire primary?
Number one; pollsters are idiots. Now we’ve known this for at least eight years, but every so often it sneaks up on us and bites us in the ass. There’s a lot of empty space between a 13-point victory and a two-point loss. Space that these jokers are desperately trying to fill with explanations of just what the hell happened Tuesday night. Opinion polls are not supposed to have a 15-point margin of error.
Number two; white people - at least in New Hampshire - MAY NOT be willing to vote for a black man. The afore-mentioned 15-point margin of error can be accounted for in some combination of the following three ways. Pollsters are idiots, 15% of primary voters made up their minds instantly – all for the same candidate, or, voters lie. My money’s on option three. It wouldn’t be the first time people said one thing in answer to an opinion poll yet voted the opposite, especially in relation to a black candidate. Tennessee Democratic Congressman Harold Ford Jr. entered election night 2006 a few points ahead of his rival, yet finished the evening several points behind. Why people feel the need to lie about their opinions in a randomly sampled completely anonymous poll is beyond my understanding. I can only guess that it somehow makes them feel special to hear themselves explain to a faceless, often automated voice how open-minded and enlightened they are. Then, once they’ve done their good deed for the day, they go vote the way they truly feel, then repeat the same lie to the moron taking the exit poll. You might think that highly educated, broad-minded, “independent” electorate such as New Hampshire claims to be wouldn’t feel the need to play this sort of game with themselves. Apparently, you ‘d be wrong.
Number three; I was completely and utterly wrong when I said that voters – especially women – did not want a candidate who would break down and cry under fairly friendly questioning. That is exactly what New Hampshire voters wanted. They ate it up. They decided it made her look human, in touch with the feelings of working mothers and emotional people everywhere. Can’t you just see bin Laden in his cave in Pakistan rolling around on the floor laughing hysterically at the video of that interview on YouTube? “Seriously? They wanna send the weeper after me?” Note to Obama and Edwards; learn to cry on cue.
Number four; political pundits have short memories. Last night, every single talking head predicted a thumping of senator Clinton, effectively killing her campaign and sweep up Obama in a wave of momentum which he would ride all the way to the nomination by the end of “Super-Tuesday” on February 5. Tonight, the heads have declared Clinton to be the Energizer Bunny of the Democratic Party; able to leap tall black men and slow-talking Southerners in a single bound on her way to the Presidency. If you don’t like the way the wind’s blowing in D.C., wait a minute.
Finally, could somebody please put Bill Clinton back in his travel crate and send him home? Enough of this guy already! After eight years as president and eight more years globe-trotting with the former President Bush, it’s about time for this guy to go gently into that goodnight. Get him a cheeseburger, handcuff him to a couple interns, stuff a cigar in his pocket and send him on his way. His time has come and gone. Bill Clinton is the past, not the future.
So, keeping in mind that a small homogenous northeastern state may or may not accurately reflect the views of the rest of the country, what did we learn from the New Hampshire primary?
Number one; pollsters are idiots. Now we’ve known this for at least eight years, but every so often it sneaks up on us and bites us in the ass. There’s a lot of empty space between a 13-point victory and a two-point loss. Space that these jokers are desperately trying to fill with explanations of just what the hell happened Tuesday night. Opinion polls are not supposed to have a 15-point margin of error.
Number two; white people - at least in New Hampshire - MAY NOT be willing to vote for a black man. The afore-mentioned 15-point margin of error can be accounted for in some combination of the following three ways. Pollsters are idiots, 15% of primary voters made up their minds instantly – all for the same candidate, or, voters lie. My money’s on option three. It wouldn’t be the first time people said one thing in answer to an opinion poll yet voted the opposite, especially in relation to a black candidate. Tennessee Democratic Congressman Harold Ford Jr. entered election night 2006 a few points ahead of his rival, yet finished the evening several points behind. Why people feel the need to lie about their opinions in a randomly sampled completely anonymous poll is beyond my understanding. I can only guess that it somehow makes them feel special to hear themselves explain to a faceless, often automated voice how open-minded and enlightened they are. Then, once they’ve done their good deed for the day, they go vote the way they truly feel, then repeat the same lie to the moron taking the exit poll. You might think that highly educated, broad-minded, “independent” electorate such as New Hampshire claims to be wouldn’t feel the need to play this sort of game with themselves. Apparently, you ‘d be wrong.
Number three; I was completely and utterly wrong when I said that voters – especially women – did not want a candidate who would break down and cry under fairly friendly questioning. That is exactly what New Hampshire voters wanted. They ate it up. They decided it made her look human, in touch with the feelings of working mothers and emotional people everywhere. Can’t you just see bin Laden in his cave in Pakistan rolling around on the floor laughing hysterically at the video of that interview on YouTube? “Seriously? They wanna send the weeper after me?” Note to Obama and Edwards; learn to cry on cue.
Number four; political pundits have short memories. Last night, every single talking head predicted a thumping of senator Clinton, effectively killing her campaign and sweep up Obama in a wave of momentum which he would ride all the way to the nomination by the end of “Super-Tuesday” on February 5. Tonight, the heads have declared Clinton to be the Energizer Bunny of the Democratic Party; able to leap tall black men and slow-talking Southerners in a single bound on her way to the Presidency. If you don’t like the way the wind’s blowing in D.C., wait a minute.
Finally, could somebody please put Bill Clinton back in his travel crate and send him home? Enough of this guy already! After eight years as president and eight more years globe-trotting with the former President Bush, it’s about time for this guy to go gently into that goodnight. Get him a cheeseburger, handcuff him to a couple interns, stuff a cigar in his pocket and send him on his way. His time has come and gone. Bill Clinton is the past, not the future.
1.08.2008
Off To The Races
Two consecutive Monday nights without football. Yeah, the withdrawal’s kicking in, big time. The January thunderstorms and tornadoes aren’t helping either.
I know it is both the Monday after the Iowa caucuses and the Monday before the New Hampshire primary, but I’m going to sneak in a couple quick football hits – and a hockey hit – first.
The Redskins were dramatically overrated; the Titans desperately need an offense, the Bucs never recovered from getting the last two weeks off and the Jaguars are for real. Note to Cowboys fans, Tony Romo just returned from a vacation with Jessica Simpson. Get your popcorn ready.
On New Year’s Day NBC broadcast the second (not quite) annual outdoor hockey game between the Buffalo Sabers and the Pittsburgh Penguins at Ralph Wilson Stadium in Buffalo. Heck of a game! Rain, sleet, snow, wind and 75,000 screaming fans in a football stadium soaking up the greatest game on earth. Best hockey viewing experience I’ve had since the last outdoor game three years ago. (Yes, I am intentionally disregarding the loses of both the Oilers and the Flames in the Stanley Cup Finals.) I don’t care what it takes; the NHL has got to make this a tradition. How about Toronto and Detroit next year, or Montreal vs. Boston? I love it already.
On to the subject on everyone’s lips. Last Thursday night former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee and Illinois senator Barack Obama left the competition in the dust at the Iowa caucuses. Spurred on by a record 80% increase in democratic turnout, Obama defeated senators Edwards and Clinton by eight and nine points respectively, while Huckabee (whom my spell-checker insists I refer to as Mike Chickadee) did nearly as well against former governor Mitt Romney. By the time this blog is posted the polls will open in New Hampshire with Obama cruising with a double-digit lead and McCain with a slight edge over Romney.
So, with the understanding that a tiny, homogeneous mid-western state may not accurately represent the views of the country at large, what did we learn from the first official week of the 2008 election cycle?
Number one, white people WILL vote for a black man. If there was ever any doubt – and there was considerable doubt – Iowa Democrats proved that at least to them, blackness does not disqualify Barack Obama from the race for the nomination. Whether that sentiment is national or not remains to be seen. But if he can continue to draw the kind of broad-ranging support he’s getting now, (defeating senator Clinton in every major demographic with voters under 65), it’s hard to see this train derailing any time before it docks at the convention.
Number two; John Edwards is in a bit of doo doo. He has spent every waking moment since his defeat in the 2004 election campaigning in Iowa. Despite all that, the best he could muster was an eight point second place finish to a guy six people had heard of three years ago. He focused his entire effort in Iowa ignoring the rest of the country, and as a result trails the front-runner by double digits in almost every remaining state. It seems like a guy who ran for Vice President just four years ago should have done better with his core voters than Edwards has.
Number three; money might not solve every problem. Part time bass player and former heavyweight southern minister Mike Huckabee laid a six point Hammer of God down upon the fast talking, cash burning, broad smiling Ken doll Mitt Romney, despite being out spent nearly $20 million to $680,000. That is insane! That is like the Kansas City Royals defeating the New York Yankees for the World Series. Yeah, I’ll bet you didn’t even know Kansas City still had a baseball team. I reckon that’s about how Mitt Romney feels right about now. When you spend 20 million dollars you expect to get something for your money. All Romney got was embarrassed and a ticket to New Hampshire to watch the whole thing happen to him all over again. Much of Huckabee’s success in Iowa can be credited to evangelical Christians, many of whom Romney felt he could convince to support him. Apparently – at least in Iowa – the term evangelical Christian does not include Mormons.
Number four; senator Clinton’s display of “emotion” during a televised response to a question Monday morning does nothing for her already damaged image. It’s hard enough to be a woman playing a man’s game without breaking down and sobbing on camera. When people said they wanted to see your softer side, that is not what they meant.
Finally, IF Obamamania continues in the manner in which it is taking place right now – and there is no guarantee it will - we could be witnessing the birth of the most incredible political phenomenon since John Kennedy ran for president in 1960. Forget Bill Clinton, forget Ronald Reagan, (try not to remember Jimmy Carter and Richard Nixon), Barack Obama has the potential to be the greatest American political icon of the past 50 years – and maybe 50 years to come. That may sound like a gross overstatement, but think about what an Obama presidency would represent. He would become America’s first black president, first bi-racial president, second youngest president since Kennedy and the greatest orator since Martin Luther King. And if you don’t think the latter is important, consider the linguistic disaster currently inhabiting (inhibiting) the oval office.
I’m old enough to understand that regardless of how strong your political convictions, there’s only so much you can do once you get to Washington and butt heads with Congress and the special interests and Wall Street and the courts, so policy specifics no longer concern me. What I want in a president is someone who will represent the America in which I live and the America in which I aspire to live. I want a president who will not embarrass me in front of the world by forgetting the names of the honored guests at his own peace conference. I want a president who can correctly pronounce three – and even four syllable words. A president who can clearly articulate a thought without mentioning 911, or attempting to frighten me into submission. A president who never has to warn those nearby not to touch the hair for fear of catastrophic collapse. I’d like a president who allows me the luxury of pride in this nation and its people. But what do I know. I’m Canadian, I can’t vote.
Does the name Amy fisher ring a bell? You might remember her from such headlines as “Long Island Teenager Shoots Lover’s Wife in the Face,” and “Buttafuoco’s Babe Tries to Murder Wife.” Well, the former “Long Island Lolita” has decided to join her husband (not Buttafuoco) in promoting a sex tape the two of them made prior to filing for divorce, and then subsequently reconciling. Renown for her strong moral ethic, Fisher decided to take a six-figure payout rather than sue to have the tape pulled from the Internet. Only in America can you shoot someone in the face, then take a six-figure to allow people to watch you get sh… well… I should probably stop here.
Finally, in a stroke of utter childhood genius, a 10-year-old Mexican boy glued himself to his bed to avoid having to return to school following Christmas vacation. Diego told news reporters that he thought if he was glued to the bed, his mother couldn’t make him go to school. And really, give Diego some credit. He didn’t mess around with faking the flu; setting all the clocks back seven hours, burning the house down or any of those other lame excuses other kids use to stay home from school. He went straight for the industrial strength shoe glue. You’ve got to love the initiative. Unfortunately for Diego, paramedics were able to dissolve the adhesive and send his sorry butt off to school anyway a mere two hours late. So, let that be a lesson to all the kids out there. If you’re going to glue yourself to the bed to avoid going to school, use better glue. I recommend high-grade construction adhesive. Something that will keep you at home AT LEAST until after lunch.
I know it is both the Monday after the Iowa caucuses and the Monday before the New Hampshire primary, but I’m going to sneak in a couple quick football hits – and a hockey hit – first.
The Redskins were dramatically overrated; the Titans desperately need an offense, the Bucs never recovered from getting the last two weeks off and the Jaguars are for real. Note to Cowboys fans, Tony Romo just returned from a vacation with Jessica Simpson. Get your popcorn ready.
On New Year’s Day NBC broadcast the second (not quite) annual outdoor hockey game between the Buffalo Sabers and the Pittsburgh Penguins at Ralph Wilson Stadium in Buffalo. Heck of a game! Rain, sleet, snow, wind and 75,000 screaming fans in a football stadium soaking up the greatest game on earth. Best hockey viewing experience I’ve had since the last outdoor game three years ago. (Yes, I am intentionally disregarding the loses of both the Oilers and the Flames in the Stanley Cup Finals.) I don’t care what it takes; the NHL has got to make this a tradition. How about Toronto and Detroit next year, or Montreal vs. Boston? I love it already.
On to the subject on everyone’s lips. Last Thursday night former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee and Illinois senator Barack Obama left the competition in the dust at the Iowa caucuses. Spurred on by a record 80% increase in democratic turnout, Obama defeated senators Edwards and Clinton by eight and nine points respectively, while Huckabee (whom my spell-checker insists I refer to as Mike Chickadee) did nearly as well against former governor Mitt Romney. By the time this blog is posted the polls will open in New Hampshire with Obama cruising with a double-digit lead and McCain with a slight edge over Romney.
So, with the understanding that a tiny, homogeneous mid-western state may not accurately represent the views of the country at large, what did we learn from the first official week of the 2008 election cycle?
Number one, white people WILL vote for a black man. If there was ever any doubt – and there was considerable doubt – Iowa Democrats proved that at least to them, blackness does not disqualify Barack Obama from the race for the nomination. Whether that sentiment is national or not remains to be seen. But if he can continue to draw the kind of broad-ranging support he’s getting now, (defeating senator Clinton in every major demographic with voters under 65), it’s hard to see this train derailing any time before it docks at the convention.
Number two; John Edwards is in a bit of doo doo. He has spent every waking moment since his defeat in the 2004 election campaigning in Iowa. Despite all that, the best he could muster was an eight point second place finish to a guy six people had heard of three years ago. He focused his entire effort in Iowa ignoring the rest of the country, and as a result trails the front-runner by double digits in almost every remaining state. It seems like a guy who ran for Vice President just four years ago should have done better with his core voters than Edwards has.
Number three; money might not solve every problem. Part time bass player and former heavyweight southern minister Mike Huckabee laid a six point Hammer of God down upon the fast talking, cash burning, broad smiling Ken doll Mitt Romney, despite being out spent nearly $20 million to $680,000. That is insane! That is like the Kansas City Royals defeating the New York Yankees for the World Series. Yeah, I’ll bet you didn’t even know Kansas City still had a baseball team. I reckon that’s about how Mitt Romney feels right about now. When you spend 20 million dollars you expect to get something for your money. All Romney got was embarrassed and a ticket to New Hampshire to watch the whole thing happen to him all over again. Much of Huckabee’s success in Iowa can be credited to evangelical Christians, many of whom Romney felt he could convince to support him. Apparently – at least in Iowa – the term evangelical Christian does not include Mormons.
Number four; senator Clinton’s display of “emotion” during a televised response to a question Monday morning does nothing for her already damaged image. It’s hard enough to be a woman playing a man’s game without breaking down and sobbing on camera. When people said they wanted to see your softer side, that is not what they meant.
Finally, IF Obamamania continues in the manner in which it is taking place right now – and there is no guarantee it will - we could be witnessing the birth of the most incredible political phenomenon since John Kennedy ran for president in 1960. Forget Bill Clinton, forget Ronald Reagan, (try not to remember Jimmy Carter and Richard Nixon), Barack Obama has the potential to be the greatest American political icon of the past 50 years – and maybe 50 years to come. That may sound like a gross overstatement, but think about what an Obama presidency would represent. He would become America’s first black president, first bi-racial president, second youngest president since Kennedy and the greatest orator since Martin Luther King. And if you don’t think the latter is important, consider the linguistic disaster currently inhabiting (inhibiting) the oval office.
I’m old enough to understand that regardless of how strong your political convictions, there’s only so much you can do once you get to Washington and butt heads with Congress and the special interests and Wall Street and the courts, so policy specifics no longer concern me. What I want in a president is someone who will represent the America in which I live and the America in which I aspire to live. I want a president who will not embarrass me in front of the world by forgetting the names of the honored guests at his own peace conference. I want a president who can correctly pronounce three – and even four syllable words. A president who can clearly articulate a thought without mentioning 911, or attempting to frighten me into submission. A president who never has to warn those nearby not to touch the hair for fear of catastrophic collapse. I’d like a president who allows me the luxury of pride in this nation and its people. But what do I know. I’m Canadian, I can’t vote.
Does the name Amy fisher ring a bell? You might remember her from such headlines as “Long Island Teenager Shoots Lover’s Wife in the Face,” and “Buttafuoco’s Babe Tries to Murder Wife.” Well, the former “Long Island Lolita” has decided to join her husband (not Buttafuoco) in promoting a sex tape the two of them made prior to filing for divorce, and then subsequently reconciling. Renown for her strong moral ethic, Fisher decided to take a six-figure payout rather than sue to have the tape pulled from the Internet. Only in America can you shoot someone in the face, then take a six-figure to allow people to watch you get sh… well… I should probably stop here.
Finally, in a stroke of utter childhood genius, a 10-year-old Mexican boy glued himself to his bed to avoid having to return to school following Christmas vacation. Diego told news reporters that he thought if he was glued to the bed, his mother couldn’t make him go to school. And really, give Diego some credit. He didn’t mess around with faking the flu; setting all the clocks back seven hours, burning the house down or any of those other lame excuses other kids use to stay home from school. He went straight for the industrial strength shoe glue. You’ve got to love the initiative. Unfortunately for Diego, paramedics were able to dissolve the adhesive and send his sorry butt off to school anyway a mere two hours late. So, let that be a lesson to all the kids out there. If you’re going to glue yourself to the bed to avoid going to school, use better glue. I recommend high-grade construction adhesive. Something that will keep you at home AT LEAST until after lunch.
1.02.2008
They Are Who We Thought They Were!
Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2008 is better to you than 2007 was. My resolution this year is to get myself a snow blower – just as soon as I can dig the car out from under the thirty inches of snow to get to the store.
Congratulations to the New England Patriots on the first undefeated NFL regular season since 1972. An average of 34 million people tuned in Saturday night to watch the Patriots make history and, surprisingly, were treated to one heck of a football game along the way. And kudos to the New York Giants for respecting the game of football enough to give New England a run for its money. In a game that meant absolutely nothing to the already playoff-bound Giants, and against the “expert” advice of nearly every single football talking head, each and every player came out and played like they were playing for the championship. The Patriots etched their names into football lore with the victory, but the Giants made them earn every minute of it. As true as this statement can be in a game where someone has to win and someone has to lose, there were no losers Saturday night.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again, right? Well, for Pakistani militants the second time was a charm. Last Thursday they succeeded in assassinating former Pakistani prime minister Benazir Bhutto less than two weeks before the scheduled presidential elections in which she was to take part. Bhutto was leaving a political rally, waving to supporters through the sunroof of her bulletproof SUV when three shots were heard in the crowd, followed by the explosion of a suicide bomber. Witnesses report that one or more of the shots hit Bhutto in the head or neck and she slumped atop the vehicle before the explosion hit. Days of violent protests have followed and current president Musharraf has decided to delay the elections for at least a month. The moral of this story is, don’t stick your head out of the sunroof of a bulletproof SUV. If you happen to be riding in a bulletproof vehicle, there’s probably a reason for that – perhaps that someone is tying to SHOOT YOU! Leaving the safety of the vehicle makes their job real easy.
What is it about voting that makes people lose their minds? According to Kenyan government officials, 148 people have been murders and 75,000 have been forced to leave their homes due to post-election violence that began four days ago. International relief agencies put those numbers much higher. Like Rwanda and Sudan before, this violence appears to be ethnically motivated – the tribe of the election loser hacking it out with the tribe of the election winner. It’s hard to accept that this sort of thing still takes place in a more or less civilized world. But it should also help us realized how fortunate we are to live in a place where the worst thing that happens to you when you when your guy loses an election is that you get a little ribbing from the guy in the adjacent cubicle the next morning at work.
For the second time in two weeks the media seems to have been surprised by the appearance of Christian religious symbols and messages in the campaign ads of former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee. The first came in the form of a cross in an ad released just prior to Christmas, and the latest comes in the form of an ichthys on a background banner featured prominently in a pro-life commercial. I guess what baffles me is why everyone is so surprised. What part of conservative southern Baptist minister did you people not understand? Allow me to make this as simple as I possibly can. Mike Huckabee is a conservative Christian. Vote for him or don’t vote for him. But don’t feign surprise at who he is.
For those of you paying attention, the Iowa caucuses take place this coming Thursday. The most recent polling data indicates the leading
Democratic candidates are still locked in a statistical dead heat, while support for Republicans Romney and Huckabee is virtually even, with Thompson, McCain and Giuliani trail significantly. And, in a classic example of hope winning out over common sense, Ron Paul continues to poll at almost ten percent. While I am no fan of the current caucus/primary system, I am glad the process is finally underway. We can’t get it over with until we start it. So during the next couple weeks we will eliminate the jokers (sorry Paul, Kucinich), and by early February we will know if America is ready to watch a Mormon, or a Baptist, or a black man or a woman duke it out for the presidency. My money’s on the mayor and the woman, but I would LOVE to be wrong on this one.
Finally, with no end in site to the writer’s strike, the late night comedians will return to the air this Wednesday night. While this can’t be good news for the striking writers, it is great news for the NBC network due to the fact that aside from Sunday night football, Leno and O’Brien are the only shows making them any money. However, there is some question as to how good the shows will be without writers? My guess is that if they bomb, the studios will cave and the strike will be over sooner rather than later. But if people go back to watching them like nothing ever happened, we could be in for a spring filled with videos rebroadcast from YouTube and Dancing With the Stars knock-offs. Oh the humanity! If it gets to that point I’ll just stick needles in my eyes and throw bricks through my television. Oh wait, I have satellite. Never mind, I’ll be fine.
Congratulations to the New England Patriots on the first undefeated NFL regular season since 1972. An average of 34 million people tuned in Saturday night to watch the Patriots make history and, surprisingly, were treated to one heck of a football game along the way. And kudos to the New York Giants for respecting the game of football enough to give New England a run for its money. In a game that meant absolutely nothing to the already playoff-bound Giants, and against the “expert” advice of nearly every single football talking head, each and every player came out and played like they were playing for the championship. The Patriots etched their names into football lore with the victory, but the Giants made them earn every minute of it. As true as this statement can be in a game where someone has to win and someone has to lose, there were no losers Saturday night.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again, right? Well, for Pakistani militants the second time was a charm. Last Thursday they succeeded in assassinating former Pakistani prime minister Benazir Bhutto less than two weeks before the scheduled presidential elections in which she was to take part. Bhutto was leaving a political rally, waving to supporters through the sunroof of her bulletproof SUV when three shots were heard in the crowd, followed by the explosion of a suicide bomber. Witnesses report that one or more of the shots hit Bhutto in the head or neck and she slumped atop the vehicle before the explosion hit. Days of violent protests have followed and current president Musharraf has decided to delay the elections for at least a month. The moral of this story is, don’t stick your head out of the sunroof of a bulletproof SUV. If you happen to be riding in a bulletproof vehicle, there’s probably a reason for that – perhaps that someone is tying to SHOOT YOU! Leaving the safety of the vehicle makes their job real easy.
What is it about voting that makes people lose their minds? According to Kenyan government officials, 148 people have been murders and 75,000 have been forced to leave their homes due to post-election violence that began four days ago. International relief agencies put those numbers much higher. Like Rwanda and Sudan before, this violence appears to be ethnically motivated – the tribe of the election loser hacking it out with the tribe of the election winner. It’s hard to accept that this sort of thing still takes place in a more or less civilized world. But it should also help us realized how fortunate we are to live in a place where the worst thing that happens to you when you when your guy loses an election is that you get a little ribbing from the guy in the adjacent cubicle the next morning at work.
For the second time in two weeks the media seems to have been surprised by the appearance of Christian religious symbols and messages in the campaign ads of former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee. The first came in the form of a cross in an ad released just prior to Christmas, and the latest comes in the form of an ichthys on a background banner featured prominently in a pro-life commercial. I guess what baffles me is why everyone is so surprised. What part of conservative southern Baptist minister did you people not understand? Allow me to make this as simple as I possibly can. Mike Huckabee is a conservative Christian. Vote for him or don’t vote for him. But don’t feign surprise at who he is.
For those of you paying attention, the Iowa caucuses take place this coming Thursday. The most recent polling data indicates the leading
Democratic candidates are still locked in a statistical dead heat, while support for Republicans Romney and Huckabee is virtually even, with Thompson, McCain and Giuliani trail significantly. And, in a classic example of hope winning out over common sense, Ron Paul continues to poll at almost ten percent. While I am no fan of the current caucus/primary system, I am glad the process is finally underway. We can’t get it over with until we start it. So during the next couple weeks we will eliminate the jokers (sorry Paul, Kucinich), and by early February we will know if America is ready to watch a Mormon, or a Baptist, or a black man or a woman duke it out for the presidency. My money’s on the mayor and the woman, but I would LOVE to be wrong on this one.
Finally, with no end in site to the writer’s strike, the late night comedians will return to the air this Wednesday night. While this can’t be good news for the striking writers, it is great news for the NBC network due to the fact that aside from Sunday night football, Leno and O’Brien are the only shows making them any money. However, there is some question as to how good the shows will be without writers? My guess is that if they bomb, the studios will cave and the strike will be over sooner rather than later. But if people go back to watching them like nothing ever happened, we could be in for a spring filled with videos rebroadcast from YouTube and Dancing With the Stars knock-offs. Oh the humanity! If it gets to that point I’ll just stick needles in my eyes and throw bricks through my television. Oh wait, I have satellite. Never mind, I’ll be fine.
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