Back in Black & White

Well, vacation’s over, back to work. Did you miss me? Wait, what do you mean, no?

While I was away, stuff happened. Strange. Stuff rarely happens when I’m around to talk about it. Is it me?

In response to terrorist attacks by armed gunman in Mumbai, India a little over a week ago which left nearly 200 people dead, Pakistani authorities apprehended half-a-dozen militants suspected of conceiving of and planning those attacks. They hope that turning them over to Indian authorities will be enough to prevent India from taking military action against Pakistan. And they’re probably right, but I suspect the only thing truly preventing either country from taking military action are the nuclear weapons on either side of the border.

On a tangentially related note, could someone please explain this country’s obsession with blood and gore and torture? Why is it acceptable to run video of a train station platform smeared with blood and guts and oh yeah, dead people, in prime-time, over and over and over again with no second thought, while CBS gets fined two million dollars for six-tenths of a second of Janet Jackson’s nipple? People will pay eight dollars to watch other people decapitated, dismembered, disemboweled and otherwise mutilated in the most horrific manner on screen. The evening news will show us live images of people jumping to their deaths from buildings and bridges, bombs ripping apart occupied subway cars and freshly murdered, still bleeding corpses strewn about the concrete with their blood-soaked friends and loved ones standing over them screaming hysterically and no agency finds that offensive. But if one 14-year-old stumbles across a bare breast on the internet, all manner of fines and regulations and legislation must be imposed on the rest of society to “protect the children” from the evil corrupting influence of sex and the human body. There’s something terribly wrong with that state of mind.

Khalid Sheik Mohammed, alleged mastermind of the attacks of September 11, 2001, along with five other co-conspirators, has decided he wants to plead guilty to all charges. Well great, case closed, right? Not exactly. Mohammed and his cohorts are charged with capital crimes. If convicted they are to be sentenced to death. But there’s a quirky little detail about the death penalty that has thrown the case into legal limbo. The law says the death penalty must be imposed by a jury. Military or civilian, it doesn’t matter, so long as a jury delivers the sentence. But if someone pleads guilty, there is no trial, and therefore, no jury; which, in this case could mean, no death penalty? A suspect cannot be compelled to plead not guilty and forced to go to trial against their will, and there is no way in burning hell the U.S. Government is going to house this clown and his posse in protective custody in a military or federal prison for the remainder of their natural lives, so there seems to be some doubt as to how to proceed. The judge assigned to the case has appealed to higher authorities for advise, and I’m sure he’ll have his answer before he retires from the bench, but this just strikes me as another part of this military tribunal equation that wasn’t fully fleshed out. It never occurred to anyone that any of these suspects might plead guilty. I’ll admit, it’s an unlikely scenario, but shouldn’t someone have at least raised the possibility?

The Supreme Court has refused to hear a challenge to President-elect Barack Obama’s citizenship by some moron in New Jersey claiming that Obama is not a “natural born citizen.” Yes, Hawaiian authorities and independent fact-checkers have already verified Obama’s birth certificate as valid, as well as the local newspaper article announcing his birth, but since when do facts matter to crusaders? This particular joker claims that even though Obama was born on U.S. soil (Hawaii), to an American citizen (mother), because his father was Kenyan, and therefore a British subject, Obama was technically a dual citizen and by some voodoo nobody understands, not a “natural born citizen.” Apparently the Court agreed with me, that this complaint is a giant steaming pile of manure, and that said moron from New Jersey can take himself home and live out the rest of his life in peace, stalking the invisible communists living under the stairs in the basement. I’ve given this far more ink than it deserves.


Striking, isn't it.

Just when you thought it was safe to put a little faith in your public servants, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested in his pajamas this morning and indicted on federal corruption charges for, among other things, attempting to sell President-elect Obama’s former Senate seat to the highest bidder. The wacky part about this story is not that the governor was demanding bribes and extorting money from everyone he came across. Politicians in general, Illinois governors specifically have a history of willfully abusing the public trust, the public purse, and every now and then, the public. What’s absolutely bizarre about this case is that Blagojevich has at least suspected - if not known for the past five years that he has been under investigation by the federal government. Yet, even knowing that, he still went ahead and tried to have the editor of the Chicago Tribune fired for his negative press coverage, cancel $8 million in funding for a children’s hospital because he did not receive a $50,000 campaign contribution, and demanding some sort of “consideration” from Obama’s potential replacements. According to the U.S. Attorney, the Governor was aware of the potential replacement favored by Obama, but when he was informed that the only thing she was willing to offer him in return was a thank you, he responded, and I quote (almost), “*bleep* her,” and proceeded to solicit half-a-million dollars from a far less scrupulous, as yet unnamed individual. I am astounded that this guy actually had the hubris to think that in spite of all the politicians that have been brought down by their own corruption over the past two years, he was going to get away with all this. As for the governorship, the people of Illinois might as well just dig up Lincoln’s corpse and prop him up in the mansion in Springfield. Even dead for 148 years he can’t possibly do any worse than the jokers they keep voting into office.

Oh Canada. The true North strong and free. When did you become the Italy of North America? Last week, the country was thrown into disarray when the Prime Minster requested and was granted a shutdown of parliament in order to avoid facing a non-confidence vote he was almost certain to lose. As some of you know, the Canadian political system is substantially different from the American system. I won’t bore anyone with a lengthy explanation of how the government functions or the details of the current circumstance, but here is the Cliff Notes synopsis:
- the Prime Minister and his party just won national re-election a few weeks ago.
- Canada is a Constitutional Monarchy, similar to Great Britain.
- he did not win enough seats to form a majority government, but since the remaining seats were split amongst several opposition parties, he expanded his ruling minority.
- the Prime Minister introduced a budget that was immediately panned by all members of the opposition.
- the opposition parties banded together and declared they and all their members would sign a vote of non-confidence against the Prime Minister.
- a non-confidence vote is about the equivalent of impeachment and removal from office, without any legal ramifications.
- not wanting to lose his job, the Prime Minister went to the Governor General and requested a shut down of parliament.
the Governor General is the representative of the Queen of England in Canada. Yes, the final arbiter of all things in Canada - a sovereign nation for the past 142 years, is still the Queen of England.
- faced with the choice between removing the Prime Minister from office and installing the leader of the opposition - who was about two days away from being forced to resign before this broke, calling another election - three weeks and $300 million after an election, or shutting down parliament and buying the Prime Minister some time, she chose the path of least resistance and shut down the government until after New Years Day.

And such are the perils of a minority government and a system that allows an unelected representative of a figurehead an ocean away to make decisions regarding your future. As stupid as the American political system can be, at least Americans are fully in control of their own destiny.

My NFL thoughts for Week 14:

This is a really wacky season. If you had told me in September that the San Diego Chargers would be three games under .500 at this point in the season, yet had still not been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs I would have asked for some of whatever it was you were smoking.

The New York Giants are mortal after all. It may be only temporary - until Brandon Jacobs returns at full strength, but it has to be comforting for everyone outside of New York City.

The Buffalo Bills played a “home game” against the Miami Dolphins in a dome - with the roof closed - in Toronto Sunday afternoon. Now please, don’t misunderstand me. I love Toronto. I lived in the Toronto suburbs for 12 years and I can’t think of a city I would rather live in. I would love to see NFL football thrive in Toronto. But to call this a home game for the Bills was just a travesty. Buffalo in December is bitterly cold and battered by lake-effect snow. Miami is warm and dry. Also, Dolphins running back Rickey Williams played several years of professional football in Toronto. Hosting a Bills game in a dome in Toronto completely eliminated Buffalo’s home field advantage. Bad call by the league.

Nobody was particularly impress when the Panthers torched the Lions for 300 rushing yards a few weeks ago. But on Monday night they put up 300 again on a much tougher defense, embarrassing Tampa Bay. If they can run like that in the playoffs they might be able to stop the Giants from repeating.

The cannibals are out in Dallas. The owner is barking at the players, the quarterback and the receivers can’t find the same page in the playbook, the coach is insisting everything is fine and Terrell Owens is still complaining that no one will throw him the ball. Jerry Jones might know a whole lot about money, but he knows absolutely nothing about team chemistry.

Oh, the Lions are still perfect. One more loss and they will tie the record for most losses in a season. Three more losses and they will become the first team in league history to finish 0-16. My fingers are crossed.

My Superbowl picks of Week 14: New York Giants vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

This story is football related, but yet much bigger than football. Giants star wide receiver Plaxico Burress got himself into trouble late last week when he admitted to shooting himself in the thigh at a New York City nightclub. The law in New York City states that if one is going to carry a firearm in the city one must have a valid concealed carry permit. But instead of discussing the issue, the media went off on tangents about why athletes feel they need to carry guns and blah blah blah. The bottom line is this. Plaxico has owned a gun and lived in New York for at least three years, he knows the rules. All he had to do was get the permit. That would have rendered the entire conversation moot. If he didn’t want to register his weapon, he could have hired a bodyguard with a valid weapons permit. He just signed a massive contract extension, we know he can afford it. And if he didn’t want to do that, he could have decided not to patronize an establishment where he felt he needed to carry an unlicensed firearm. Let’s put the responsibility where it belongs. Know the law and obey it. Pretty simple.

From the desk of crap we already know, someone published a study today proving that dogs have feelings too, specifically a sense of fairness. Um, yeah. Any idiot with more than one dog could have told you that, and for far less than the cost of that study. Seriously, people get paid to tell the rest of us stuff we already know? How do I get in on that gig?

Bill O’Reilly has announced that he will be ending his radio show, “the Radio Factor”, sometime in early 2009. He says he needs to concentrate on the television show and can no longer devote the time required to do both. Did you hear that? That was the sound of Keith Olberman popping every champagne cork in his wine cellar.

In a tacit admission that they have completely run out of ideas, NBC has announced they will be eliminating all scripted programming between 10:00 and 11:00 p.m. Monday thru Friday and replacing it with a show to be hosted by Jay Leno, leaving the Tonight Show to Conan O’Brien at 11:30. I like Leno. I do. But NBC is a joke. They’ve already replaced most of their line up with garbage like The Biggest Loser and America’s Got Talent (which is pretty darn misleading). Is it really that difficult to come up with a freakin’ idea? I’ve got a script I can pitch if anyone’s interested.

As of the end of this month, Polaroid will no longer manufacture its trademark instant film. The era of the Instamatic has come to an end, replaced by the cold boring practicality of digital photography. Damn that progress! Damn it I say! There was something about the anticipation of standing around waving the little white card waiting for the image to materialize that made photography just the coolest thing any kid could get into. Thanks for the memories Polaroid.

Finally, Larry Craig returns to haunts us one last time. The Minnesota Court of Appeals denied Craig’s request to withdraw his guilty plea in his airport gay sex solicitation scandal. So, we can officially continue to refer to former Senator Craig as that guy who solicited gay sex from an undercover cop in the bathroom at the Minneapolis International Airport then tried to deny it later claiming he just has a wide stance. Ah. Simple pleasures.