New Year, good. Another year older, bad.
Hope everyone had a happy/merry ChrismaChanuKwanzaka. Hope your 2009 is better than your 2008.
Not much happened this past week. Mostly football. (Sorry Gail). I blame this “transition period” business. No one wants to talk about bush because he’s yesterday’s news. Yet there’s nothing to say about Obama because he hasn’t had a chance to do anything. I almost find myself longing for the days of presidential primaries. Almost.
I guess the big news of the weekend and so far this week is the all-out Israeli air assault on Hamas fighters in Gaza. I‘ve tried to be interested in this situation – in what’s happening in the Middle East in general, really I have. But the fact is that neither the Israelis nor the Palestinians remember exactly what it is they are fighting about, nor do they care. The reasons are no longer important. The only thing that matters now is retaliation. Retaliation for the last bombing as retaliation for the last air strike as retaliation for the previous bombing as retaliation for the previous air strike, blah blah blah. On and on it goes. There is no end to this war. Israel feels it has a divine right to occupy the land it occupies. Palestinians feel they have a divine right to be rid of Israelis on the land they occupy. It is what it is. We can only try to contain it.
Still Governor Rod Blagojevich decided to stick his thumb in the eye of his detractors today and appointed former Illinois Attorney General Roland Burris to fill the U.S. Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. Fully aware that the leadership of the U.S. Senate already publicly stated that they will not seat any senator appointed by Blago, the still governor proved he still retains a shred of political savvy by ensuring that the man he appointed to replace the President-elect (formerly the only black U.S. Senator) is also a widely respected black man with by all initial accounts a spotless record of public service. In doing so he made the imminent rejection of his nomination just a little more complicated in that regardless of what Blagojevich may or may not have said on tape, it still looks bad for 83 white male and 16 white female senators to refuse admission to an otherwise competent, fully qualified black man. But, it is what it is. Mr. Burris will not be seated, someone will throw a hissy fit, Blagojevich will eventually be removed from office and the lieutenant governor will appoint a replacement to Obama, who will promptly be defeated in the 2010 election. Welcome to Illinois politics.
I thought about saving this one for the football section, but it’s so much bigger than football, it really deserves to be here. Last year the New York Giants robbed me (and the New England Patriots too, I guess) of the perfect 19-0 season. I felt cheated out of witnessing what would have arguably been the greatest achievement in team sports history. But on Sunday, the Detroit Lions delivered something almost as good – the perfect, winless season. That’s right, WINLESS. 0 for 16. They said it couldn’t be done. They said it was impossible to lose every single game. The league is set up to avoid that scenario. Yet somehow, the Lions found a way to make it happen. Believe it or not, I think this COULD be good for the Lions. I stress, “could” because – as we’ve seen all season – there’s nothing Detroit can’t screw up. But now everyone related to that franchise knows, it absolutely cannot get any worse. Finishing 1-15 would have allowed some in the organization to believe (falsely) that there might have been something positive to glean from that single victory. Well, now there is no doubt. Nothing that team did worked. Not a single thing. You now have the perfect excuse to blow that team up and start over from scratch. Nothing is sacred anymore. Completely rebuild that organization from the ground up. And for the love of Barry Sanders, learn SOMETHING from your mistakes. Because as bad as 0-16 is, 0-32 is worse.
My NFL Thoughts for Week 17.
The current playoff formula is bogus. Two 8-8 teams (one from each conference) made the playoffs as division winners. Five teams with better records than both the Arizona Cardinals and the San Diego Chargers failed to make the cut due to this ridiculous rule that the division winner is guaranteed a playoff spot. Let’s discard this moronic divisional formula and replace it with this one: the top six teams in each conference go to the playoffs. So simple it just might work.
Congratulations to the Miami Dolphins for transitioning from a 15-loss season last year to 11 wins and a division championship this season. Now if you could only do something about those uniforms.
Tony Romo will have to wait at least one more year to rid himself of the stigma of being big game choker. The Cowboys went down in flames Sunday afternoon to a Philadelphia team that started the day on life-support. After the game Terrell Owens pretended he had nothing to do with the implosion of the pre-season Superbowl favorite, talking about how the team this and we that and all of us the other. If he had maintained that attitude – even faked that attitude – for all sixteen games, Dallas might be heading to Minnesota next week to extend their season instead of the Eagles.
Helluva game in Buffalo. Sixty mile-per-hour wind gusts, 20-yard field goals missed waaaaay wide right and goalposts twisted to 15-degree angles. That’s football people. None of this dome garbage. When are we going to get to see a real Superbowl in a place like Buffalo, Green Bay or New England?
Bill Belichick must be sitting in his office laughing his butt off at the rest of the league. Three years ago all the talking heads thought the Patriots would fall apart when all three of his coordinators left for head coaching jobs of their own. The haters claimed his protégés were the brain of his operation and that he would be exposed as nothing more than the man behind the curtain. Turns out it was the haters that were exposed. Two of his disciples were fired from Cleveland and New York on Monday after very disappointing seasons (or three) and the third guy is Charlie Weis. And to top it all off, he guided his team to an 11-5 record after losing the Golden Boy Tom Brady seven minutes into the season and continuing with a seventh-round quarterback who hadn’t started a football game since high school. We all know who the real genius is now. And seriously, is Matt Cassel that good, or is it the system? And if it’s the system, is Tom Brady really that good? Are you sure?
Denver Broncos “coach for life” Mike Shanahan is, well, no longer coach for life. In fact, he’s no longer coach. Apparently two Superbowl victories just don’t buy the job security they used to anymore. Somehow I doubt he’ll be out of work long.
Goodbye Brett. I’ll miss you, even if no one else does.
Two teams nobody wants to play right now, Baltimore and Indianapolis. Ray Lewis and Ed Reed look like they are 25 years old again. Peyton manning looks like he’s only 30.
My Playoff Picks for Wildcard Weekend:
Eagles over Vikings
Falcons over Cardinals
Chargers over Colts
Ravens over Dolphins
My Superbowl Picks for Week 17: New York Giants vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
Apparently there are a rash of new 3-D movies scheduled for release in 2009. Didn’t we try this experiment in the 70s? Didn’t it fail miserably? People don’t want to wear stupid little glasses in the theater. Oh, and we have 3-D movies. They’re called stage plays. Go see one.
Finally, yet another “memoir” has been exposed as fiction. This time, it is the story of a boy held at a Nazi concentration camp during World War Two and a girl on the outside who tossed him apples over the fence to keep him alive, who eventually married and grew old together. Only it wasn’t true. Of course, all this could have been avoided if the author had simply labeled his book a work of fiction, instead of a memoir. But why bother telling the truth when lying can make you so much more money.
12.31.2008
12.23.2008
Voldemort Votes Republican
Really, he does. I saw it on a bumper sticker.
Late last week, still President Bush emerged from his super-secret hiding place and announced that due to the extraordinary economic situation, and the obligation he feels to his successor not to hand over an economic catastrophe the day he leaves office, he has reversed course and will provide General Motors and Chrysler with between $14 and $17 billion dollars in loan guarantees. The money will come from the Troubled Asset Relief Program – which conveniently has about $15 billion remaining to be allocated – and is expected to tide two of the Big Three over until they can return to Congress in their hybrids with their hands out, begging for more money in the spring. Not wanting to be left off the Doom-and-Gloom Merry-Go-Round, Toyota revealed that it expects to post a fourth quarter loss – the first loss in the 70 plus year history of the company. In a related story, Chrysler has shut down production entirely for the next four weeks, and General Motors will follow suit beginning the week after New Years. I know that with that news you might think things couldn’t possibly get any worse for the automotive industry. You’d be wrong. In fact, the only vehicle manufacturer expecting to turn a profit this year is Volkswagen, and that isn’t expected to carry over very far into 2009. It is simply not a good time to be in the automobile business.
Is it possible that we the consumer might take a lesson from this economic depression we seem to be stumbling into? Probably not. History tells us that whatever lesson we may glean from unfortunate circumstances goes right out the window at the first sign of double-digit returns. But in case anyone is paying attention, understand that this recession is a result of an infatuation with excess and complete lack of restraint. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.
President-elect Obama rounded out his cabinet last weekend with the selection of several more highly qualified, competent individuals. Nobody seemed to care much about that. The story that made headlines was his selection of Pastor Rick Warren to give the invocation at Obama’s inauguration. For those unacquainted with Rick Warren, he is the evangelical pastor of the 23,000-member Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California, fierce anti-poverty advocate, investor in African AIDS prevention and best-selling author of “The Purpose-Driven Life.” He is also a staunch opponent of gay marriage and took an active roll in advocating the passage of Proposition 8 in California, overturning the California Supreme Court’s decision allowing gays to marry. For the loudest voices, the first half of the above equation was irrelevant. The fact that Warren opposes gay marriage was enough to send some activists off the deep end. They claimed that Obama had abandoned them, thrown them to the wolves in selecting Warren to give the three-minute opening prayer at the ceremony. They essentially likened Warren to anti-Semites and white supremacists and demanded Obama revoke the invitation and replace him with someone “more inline with mainstream American values.”
I have largely refrained from commenting on the gay marriage debate to this point because the result of the debate has little to no effect on me whatsoever. This business about same-sex marriage somehow diminishing my own heterosexual marriage is bogus. Two consenting adults, who want to marry, settle down and build a life together does no harm to the institution of marriage. You know what diminishes marriage? The 52% divorce rate. But this latest outburst of fake outrage tweaked a nerve. I don’t like hyperbole and I am intolerant of the intolerance of speech. I am not going to stand in the way of two consenting adults who wish to be married. I’m not going to oppose them physically or verbally or in print, and I’m certainly not going to vote against them. But if homosexual Americans want gay marriage to be legal in this country, they are going to have to make that argument to the rest of the population. And when you get on television and try to liken opponents of gay marriage to the vicious history of racism and anti-Semitism in this country, you turn away many of the very people whose minds you are trying to change. In order to alter perceptions and benefit your cause, you need to understand what you are up against. Same-sex marriage is currently legal in only two of fifty states, and Warren’s book, has sold over 25 million copies since it came into print. Whether you like it or not, Rick Warren is more inline with “mainstream American values” than you are. The fight to legalize same-sex marriage is not a civil rights issue; it is a civil acceptance issue. Keep framing it that way and minorities will continue to vote against you. Marriage is not a right; it is a privilege, granted by the state based upon a certain set of criteria, like a driver’s license. What you are attempting to do is change the criteria upon with those licenses are granted. You can still shop at the same stores as straight people, eat at the same table as straight people, stay at the same hotel, work at the same job, go to the same school, live in the same neighborhood, run for the same office and vote in the same election as any straight person in this country. Yes, it bothers me to hear some of the very same arguments used against you that would have been used to prevent me from marrying my wife only thirty or forty years ago, and you should use every legal and persuasive tool available to you to affect the change you desire, but contextualize what it is you are fighting for and adjust your rhetoric accordingly. What Obama is attempting to do with Warren is to open and maintain an open dialogue by first finding certain issues that people with opposing viewpoints can agree to work together on, (in this case, poverty and AIDS in Africa), then once that relationship is established, work toward common ground on the other, more difficult issues. Believe it or not, most people outside New York and California don’t know any gay people, and don’t understand why it is so important for so many gay people to be able to say they are married. But shouting those people down and demanding they be silenced every time they speak does nothing to improve the discourse or change their minds. You have a much better shot at winning them over to your side if you can find something around which to build a relationship instead of attempting to bludgeon them into submission. Change does not happen overnight. It took 232 years for the land founded on the idea that “all men are created equal” to live up to that creed. You aren’t going to wake up Thursday morning and find a marriage license in your mailbox. And even when that day comes – and it will, you will still have work to do. The law can change what people do; it can’t change how they feel. And it’s a lot easier to change a heart you can talk to than one you have to shout at.
On a related note, to all the “liberals” disappointed by President-elect Obama’s cabinet choices, I have a question for you? What exactly were you expecting? This country is on the verge of entering a time unlike anything it has seen in more than 70 years. What it needs at this moment is a smart steady hand to correct mistakes and guide it through this troubled time, not a hand to sweep the entire existing system into the garbage and replace it with something completely new. If you expected to wake up on November 5th and find yourself living in France or Switzerland, you should have voted for Dennis Kucinich. Believe me, there is a reason he’s run for president three times and never been elected. And it’s not because he has a funny name.
My NFL thoughts for Week 16:
I hate the New York Giants. Hate them.
The Eagles have to be the worst good team in the league this year. How can you beat up on the league-leading giants two week ago, then roll into Washington and lay the three-point egg you did on Sunday afternoon?
It was 44-0 Patriots in a light fluffy blizzard in New England before Arizona scored for the first time. The Cardinals are division champions. The Patriots probably won’t make the playoffs. Something is wrong with that system.
The Bears got lucky again Monday night, defeating the Packers by a field goal in overtime. The temperature on the field at kickoff was –8 degrees Fahrenheit below zero. (That’s –22 degrees Celsius for my Canadian friends.) The only guys I saw out there with sleeves on were the quarterbacks. Football is a tough game. Wimps (and baseball players) need not apply.
Speaking of tough guys. Jeff Garcia is the toughest S.O.B. to strap on a helmet since Steve McNair. At six feet tall and 185 pounds, Garcia is the quarterback equivalent of a five-foot eight-inch NBA power forward. Yet every time he gets on the field he plays like a man twice his size. In attempting to slide for a first down he was crushed in the head by the shoulder pad of an oncoming defender. Taking only a moment to adjust his helmet, Garcia picked himself up and jogged back to the huddle, bleeding profusely from the bridge of his nose. He continued for the next several minutes throwing completion after completion with blood streaming down his eyes and face and into his mouth, until the drive was finally ended by an intersection off a tipped ball. He didn’t care about the pain or the blood. He just wanted to help his team win. It irks me to no end that hardcore football players like Garcia give everything they have year after year and never make it to the pinnacle of their sport, while prima donnas like Terrell Owens get all the accolades and trips to the post season.
Despite their best efforts, the Cowboys (America’s favorite soap opera) are still in position to make the playoffs. How does this keep happening?
Last year the Miami Dolphins finished the season with one win and fifteen losses. This year they are one win away from a division championship and the playoffs. Last year, the Atlanta Falcons finished 4-12, abandoned by their coach, their superstar franchise quarterback in federal prison, star veteran players fired and the team in absolute disarray. This year they are one win away from the playoffs and possibly a division championship. That’s why we play the games every Sunday.
My Superbowl picks for Week 16: New York Giants vs. Tennessee Titans.
If there are any science geeks out there, there is a fascinating episode of Nova on PBS tonight about the quest for absolute zero and something called the Bose-Einstein Condensate. Nature is absolutely bizarre, yet beautiful altogether. I should have been a physicist.
Apparently, Kanye West Milli Vanilli-ed his way through his big number on Saturday Night Live this past weekend. Ordinarily no one would care - pop singers and rappers lip-sync live performances all the time. The problem here was that he did it poorly, and he is such an arrogant pain-in-the backside that people take great pleasure in watching him fail miserably. Can you just give back the Grammy now?
If at first you don’t succeed, keep suing people, right? The D.C Circuit Court of Appeals rejected the appeal of former Judge Roy Pearson to hear his $54 million lawsuit against his dry cleaner for losing a pair of his pants. Yes, one pair of pants. That’s a 675,000% mark-up. For the last three plus years Pearson has been trying to soak Custom Cleaners and its owners, the Chung family for everything they have and much, much more over a single pair of pants the Chungs have offered on numerous occasions to replace ten times over. Dissatisfied with the latest verdict, Pearson has stated his intention to take his pathetic lawsuit, along with his pants, to the Supreme Court. Somebody should lock this guy away for attempted extortion and disgracing the human race.
Finally, Apple’s App Store has rejected listing an application called “iBoobs.” Yup. It’s pretty much what it sounds like. The application consists of an animation of a large pair of (computer-generated) breasts in a bikini top. Shaking the iPhone or iPod Touch then jiggles said breasts either up and down or left to right, depending on which direction the device is shaken. In denying the listing of the application at the store, Apple cited what it deemed “objectionable content,” encouraging the developer to remove the “objectionable content” from the application and resubmit it for approval. No word on what the developer plans to do, but I vote for leaving it just the way it is. I mean seriously. If you can’t use a three hundred dollar crystal clear 3.5-inch full color widescreen hand-held LCD display to jiggle a pair of buxom bikini-clad computer-generated boobs up and down and side to side, then what good is the damn thing!
Late last week, still President Bush emerged from his super-secret hiding place and announced that due to the extraordinary economic situation, and the obligation he feels to his successor not to hand over an economic catastrophe the day he leaves office, he has reversed course and will provide General Motors and Chrysler with between $14 and $17 billion dollars in loan guarantees. The money will come from the Troubled Asset Relief Program – which conveniently has about $15 billion remaining to be allocated – and is expected to tide two of the Big Three over until they can return to Congress in their hybrids with their hands out, begging for more money in the spring. Not wanting to be left off the Doom-and-Gloom Merry-Go-Round, Toyota revealed that it expects to post a fourth quarter loss – the first loss in the 70 plus year history of the company. In a related story, Chrysler has shut down production entirely for the next four weeks, and General Motors will follow suit beginning the week after New Years. I know that with that news you might think things couldn’t possibly get any worse for the automotive industry. You’d be wrong. In fact, the only vehicle manufacturer expecting to turn a profit this year is Volkswagen, and that isn’t expected to carry over very far into 2009. It is simply not a good time to be in the automobile business.
Is it possible that we the consumer might take a lesson from this economic depression we seem to be stumbling into? Probably not. History tells us that whatever lesson we may glean from unfortunate circumstances goes right out the window at the first sign of double-digit returns. But in case anyone is paying attention, understand that this recession is a result of an infatuation with excess and complete lack of restraint. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.
President-elect Obama rounded out his cabinet last weekend with the selection of several more highly qualified, competent individuals. Nobody seemed to care much about that. The story that made headlines was his selection of Pastor Rick Warren to give the invocation at Obama’s inauguration. For those unacquainted with Rick Warren, he is the evangelical pastor of the 23,000-member Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California, fierce anti-poverty advocate, investor in African AIDS prevention and best-selling author of “The Purpose-Driven Life.” He is also a staunch opponent of gay marriage and took an active roll in advocating the passage of Proposition 8 in California, overturning the California Supreme Court’s decision allowing gays to marry. For the loudest voices, the first half of the above equation was irrelevant. The fact that Warren opposes gay marriage was enough to send some activists off the deep end. They claimed that Obama had abandoned them, thrown them to the wolves in selecting Warren to give the three-minute opening prayer at the ceremony. They essentially likened Warren to anti-Semites and white supremacists and demanded Obama revoke the invitation and replace him with someone “more inline with mainstream American values.”
I have largely refrained from commenting on the gay marriage debate to this point because the result of the debate has little to no effect on me whatsoever. This business about same-sex marriage somehow diminishing my own heterosexual marriage is bogus. Two consenting adults, who want to marry, settle down and build a life together does no harm to the institution of marriage. You know what diminishes marriage? The 52% divorce rate. But this latest outburst of fake outrage tweaked a nerve. I don’t like hyperbole and I am intolerant of the intolerance of speech. I am not going to stand in the way of two consenting adults who wish to be married. I’m not going to oppose them physically or verbally or in print, and I’m certainly not going to vote against them. But if homosexual Americans want gay marriage to be legal in this country, they are going to have to make that argument to the rest of the population. And when you get on television and try to liken opponents of gay marriage to the vicious history of racism and anti-Semitism in this country, you turn away many of the very people whose minds you are trying to change. In order to alter perceptions and benefit your cause, you need to understand what you are up against. Same-sex marriage is currently legal in only two of fifty states, and Warren’s book, has sold over 25 million copies since it came into print. Whether you like it or not, Rick Warren is more inline with “mainstream American values” than you are. The fight to legalize same-sex marriage is not a civil rights issue; it is a civil acceptance issue. Keep framing it that way and minorities will continue to vote against you. Marriage is not a right; it is a privilege, granted by the state based upon a certain set of criteria, like a driver’s license. What you are attempting to do is change the criteria upon with those licenses are granted. You can still shop at the same stores as straight people, eat at the same table as straight people, stay at the same hotel, work at the same job, go to the same school, live in the same neighborhood, run for the same office and vote in the same election as any straight person in this country. Yes, it bothers me to hear some of the very same arguments used against you that would have been used to prevent me from marrying my wife only thirty or forty years ago, and you should use every legal and persuasive tool available to you to affect the change you desire, but contextualize what it is you are fighting for and adjust your rhetoric accordingly. What Obama is attempting to do with Warren is to open and maintain an open dialogue by first finding certain issues that people with opposing viewpoints can agree to work together on, (in this case, poverty and AIDS in Africa), then once that relationship is established, work toward common ground on the other, more difficult issues. Believe it or not, most people outside New York and California don’t know any gay people, and don’t understand why it is so important for so many gay people to be able to say they are married. But shouting those people down and demanding they be silenced every time they speak does nothing to improve the discourse or change their minds. You have a much better shot at winning them over to your side if you can find something around which to build a relationship instead of attempting to bludgeon them into submission. Change does not happen overnight. It took 232 years for the land founded on the idea that “all men are created equal” to live up to that creed. You aren’t going to wake up Thursday morning and find a marriage license in your mailbox. And even when that day comes – and it will, you will still have work to do. The law can change what people do; it can’t change how they feel. And it’s a lot easier to change a heart you can talk to than one you have to shout at.
On a related note, to all the “liberals” disappointed by President-elect Obama’s cabinet choices, I have a question for you? What exactly were you expecting? This country is on the verge of entering a time unlike anything it has seen in more than 70 years. What it needs at this moment is a smart steady hand to correct mistakes and guide it through this troubled time, not a hand to sweep the entire existing system into the garbage and replace it with something completely new. If you expected to wake up on November 5th and find yourself living in France or Switzerland, you should have voted for Dennis Kucinich. Believe me, there is a reason he’s run for president three times and never been elected. And it’s not because he has a funny name.
My NFL thoughts for Week 16:
I hate the New York Giants. Hate them.
The Eagles have to be the worst good team in the league this year. How can you beat up on the league-leading giants two week ago, then roll into Washington and lay the three-point egg you did on Sunday afternoon?
It was 44-0 Patriots in a light fluffy blizzard in New England before Arizona scored for the first time. The Cardinals are division champions. The Patriots probably won’t make the playoffs. Something is wrong with that system.
The Bears got lucky again Monday night, defeating the Packers by a field goal in overtime. The temperature on the field at kickoff was –8 degrees Fahrenheit below zero. (That’s –22 degrees Celsius for my Canadian friends.) The only guys I saw out there with sleeves on were the quarterbacks. Football is a tough game. Wimps (and baseball players) need not apply.
Speaking of tough guys. Jeff Garcia is the toughest S.O.B. to strap on a helmet since Steve McNair. At six feet tall and 185 pounds, Garcia is the quarterback equivalent of a five-foot eight-inch NBA power forward. Yet every time he gets on the field he plays like a man twice his size. In attempting to slide for a first down he was crushed in the head by the shoulder pad of an oncoming defender. Taking only a moment to adjust his helmet, Garcia picked himself up and jogged back to the huddle, bleeding profusely from the bridge of his nose. He continued for the next several minutes throwing completion after completion with blood streaming down his eyes and face and into his mouth, until the drive was finally ended by an intersection off a tipped ball. He didn’t care about the pain or the blood. He just wanted to help his team win. It irks me to no end that hardcore football players like Garcia give everything they have year after year and never make it to the pinnacle of their sport, while prima donnas like Terrell Owens get all the accolades and trips to the post season.
Despite their best efforts, the Cowboys (America’s favorite soap opera) are still in position to make the playoffs. How does this keep happening?
Last year the Miami Dolphins finished the season with one win and fifteen losses. This year they are one win away from a division championship and the playoffs. Last year, the Atlanta Falcons finished 4-12, abandoned by their coach, their superstar franchise quarterback in federal prison, star veteran players fired and the team in absolute disarray. This year they are one win away from the playoffs and possibly a division championship. That’s why we play the games every Sunday.
My Superbowl picks for Week 16: New York Giants vs. Tennessee Titans.
If there are any science geeks out there, there is a fascinating episode of Nova on PBS tonight about the quest for absolute zero and something called the Bose-Einstein Condensate. Nature is absolutely bizarre, yet beautiful altogether. I should have been a physicist.
Apparently, Kanye West Milli Vanilli-ed his way through his big number on Saturday Night Live this past weekend. Ordinarily no one would care - pop singers and rappers lip-sync live performances all the time. The problem here was that he did it poorly, and he is such an arrogant pain-in-the backside that people take great pleasure in watching him fail miserably. Can you just give back the Grammy now?
If at first you don’t succeed, keep suing people, right? The D.C Circuit Court of Appeals rejected the appeal of former Judge Roy Pearson to hear his $54 million lawsuit against his dry cleaner for losing a pair of his pants. Yes, one pair of pants. That’s a 675,000% mark-up. For the last three plus years Pearson has been trying to soak Custom Cleaners and its owners, the Chung family for everything they have and much, much more over a single pair of pants the Chungs have offered on numerous occasions to replace ten times over. Dissatisfied with the latest verdict, Pearson has stated his intention to take his pathetic lawsuit, along with his pants, to the Supreme Court. Somebody should lock this guy away for attempted extortion and disgracing the human race.
Finally, Apple’s App Store has rejected listing an application called “iBoobs.” Yup. It’s pretty much what it sounds like. The application consists of an animation of a large pair of (computer-generated) breasts in a bikini top. Shaking the iPhone or iPod Touch then jiggles said breasts either up and down or left to right, depending on which direction the device is shaken. In denying the listing of the application at the store, Apple cited what it deemed “objectionable content,” encouraging the developer to remove the “objectionable content” from the application and resubmit it for approval. No word on what the developer plans to do, but I vote for leaving it just the way it is. I mean seriously. If you can’t use a three hundred dollar crystal clear 3.5-inch full color widescreen hand-held LCD display to jiggle a pair of buxom bikini-clad computer-generated boobs up and down and side to side, then what good is the damn thing!
12.17.2008
Caveat Emptor
Incase you haven’t heard yet, the Federal Reserve is now offering interest-free loans to institutions who will in turn, refuse to lend you said money. Isn’t capitalism wonderful?
We are now well into week two of Blagojovich resignation watch. And we’re still watching. Springfield is a buzz with chatter of impeachment and special elections and removal from office, but the governor has hired a lawyer and refuses to step down. So, there’s nothing new to report. And when there’s nothing new to report, the media resort to rampant speculation. In spite of emphatic statements to the contrary by the U.S. Attorney, president-elect Obama and even the wire-tapped voice of the disgraced governor himself, every news report on the incident contains some vague reference to an inference that the incoming administration might possibly have had what could have been inappropriate conversations regarding Obama’s vacated senate seat, maybe. It’s getting a little silly. If you have something to report, report it. If you don’t, let it go.
Lost in the Blago-mania last week was the irony that the newspaper that broke the scandal filed for bankruptcy the same day. Today, (Tuesday), the Detroit News and the Detroit Free Press announced they will be cutting home delivery to three days a week and dramatically scaling back the size of the newsstand edition for the remainder of the week. Yes, if you didn’t know before, it should be painfully obvious now that the newspaper business is on life-support. It has been for a while. And nobody seems to know how to resuscitate it. Their parent companies are drowning in debt and hemorrhaging cash, resorting to desperate measures just to say afloat. Last week the New York Times essentially took out a home equity loan on its Manhattan office building to keep from going under.
Newspapers in the information age have two fundamental problems. The first is obvious. Any news in the paper is by nature, yesterday’s news. Why would anyone pay for old news when they can get new news on the internet for free? Second, newspapers cost a lot of money to print, so they charge a significant amount for advertising. Why would anyone pay significant amounts of money to reach the very limited audience of even a large newspaper when they can reach potentially billions of people for little or no cost through the web? Clearly, if the newspaper industry is going to survive, they are going to have to rethink their business model. Accordingly, I’d like to suggest the following industry modifications. Shift most - if not all the hard news resources to the internet, updating the newspaper’s web pages continuously, as news happens. That solves the problem of printing stale news. Then, formulate the remainder of the information, news analysis, local news, human interest stories, arts and entertainment and classifieds into a news magazine printed and delivered two or three times a week. It’s not a perfect solution, but it certainly can’t be any worse than the current business model.
At a press conference during a surprise visit to Iraq this past Sunday, President Bush found himself the target of an angry Iraqi reporter, ducking for cover behind the podium as the man hurled first one shoe then another, just inches past his head. To his credit, the president remains fairly agile and was unhurt by the projectiles. My guess is he’s thankful they were just shoes.
The big news on Wall Street this week was the curious case of one Bernard Madoff and his 50 billion dollar investment Ponzi scheme. For at least the past ten years, Madoff took millions from investors, promising them - and apparently delivering double-digit returns on their investments, regardless of whether the market went up or down. Well, it turns out that numbers that were too good to be true, were, well... too good to be true. Surprise! Who would have thought that a fifteen percent return ten years in a row, irrespective of market conditions might be an outright fraud? The fact is, absolutely NO ONE - including more than a few people with advanced degrees - knew how Madoff was making his money, but as long as it was rolling in hand-over-fist, nobody cared. It’s obvious that we have learned nothing from previous financial scandals like Enron and MCI. If you do not have at least a rudimentary understanding of how it works, perhaps you should not be investing in it. If your investment company is unwilling to explain your financial statement to you, they shouldn’t be your investment company. Why do otherwise intelligent people turn into blithering idiots at the sight of double-digit returns?
My NFL thoughts for Week 15:
Without Brandon Jacobs, the New York Giants look absolutely ordinary. Sorta like the Cowboys without Marion Barber.
Terrell Owens is a joke. A six-year-old in a middle-aged man’s body. He’s been a cancer to every single team he’s played for, and he makes it very difficult for me to respect Dallas.
How can the Pittsburgh Steelers continue to produce playoff caliber teams year after year after year? It doesn’t seem to matter who the coach is, who the players are or where the games are played, the Steelers make the playoffs, or at least contend throughout the season. How is it so easy for them, yet so difficult for teams like Detroit?
I think it’s time for the league to revamp the playoff system. Both the Denver Broncos and the Arizona Cardinals could make the playoffs with an 8-8 record, while three - maybe four teams with 10-6 records could find themselves watching from their living rooms. That doesn’t seem right. Just take the six teams in each conference with the best records, period. Find a flaw in that logic.
The Green Bay Packers are painful to watch. This team was one interception away from the Superbowl a year ago. Now they are in serious jeopardy of being the first team to drop a game to the Detroit Lions this year. Where did the good times go?
Matt Cassel pitched four touchdowns in this weekend’s obliteration of the junior varsity Oakland Raiders. Who needs Tom Brady?
Over the past two weeks, the Carolina Panthers have absolutely embarrassed both defenses they’ve played. I would like nothing more than to see them continue that right through the Superbowl. But I’m used to being disappointed.
My Superbowl picks for Week 15: Carolina Panthers vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
Apparently, Internet Explorer has some kind of huge security flaw that leaves computers open to attack from hackers and the like. Why is this news? Of course Internet Explorer has some kind of flaw in it, IT’S MICROSOFT INTERNET EXPLORER! It’s been flawed since its inception. Are people really still using Internet Explorer? What’s wrong with you people? How many times do you have to be punched in the face before you learn how to duck?
Saw this headline on CNN.com today: Nude models strip to protest low pay. Hmm. So you protested your job by... doing your job? Interesting.
Finally, Dubai will soon be offering the world’s first refrigerated beach. That’s right, a refrigerated beach. First an indoor ski resort, now a refrigerated beach. You just can’t give rich people money.
We are now well into week two of Blagojovich resignation watch. And we’re still watching. Springfield is a buzz with chatter of impeachment and special elections and removal from office, but the governor has hired a lawyer and refuses to step down. So, there’s nothing new to report. And when there’s nothing new to report, the media resort to rampant speculation. In spite of emphatic statements to the contrary by the U.S. Attorney, president-elect Obama and even the wire-tapped voice of the disgraced governor himself, every news report on the incident contains some vague reference to an inference that the incoming administration might possibly have had what could have been inappropriate conversations regarding Obama’s vacated senate seat, maybe. It’s getting a little silly. If you have something to report, report it. If you don’t, let it go.
Lost in the Blago-mania last week was the irony that the newspaper that broke the scandal filed for bankruptcy the same day. Today, (Tuesday), the Detroit News and the Detroit Free Press announced they will be cutting home delivery to three days a week and dramatically scaling back the size of the newsstand edition for the remainder of the week. Yes, if you didn’t know before, it should be painfully obvious now that the newspaper business is on life-support. It has been for a while. And nobody seems to know how to resuscitate it. Their parent companies are drowning in debt and hemorrhaging cash, resorting to desperate measures just to say afloat. Last week the New York Times essentially took out a home equity loan on its Manhattan office building to keep from going under.
Newspapers in the information age have two fundamental problems. The first is obvious. Any news in the paper is by nature, yesterday’s news. Why would anyone pay for old news when they can get new news on the internet for free? Second, newspapers cost a lot of money to print, so they charge a significant amount for advertising. Why would anyone pay significant amounts of money to reach the very limited audience of even a large newspaper when they can reach potentially billions of people for little or no cost through the web? Clearly, if the newspaper industry is going to survive, they are going to have to rethink their business model. Accordingly, I’d like to suggest the following industry modifications. Shift most - if not all the hard news resources to the internet, updating the newspaper’s web pages continuously, as news happens. That solves the problem of printing stale news. Then, formulate the remainder of the information, news analysis, local news, human interest stories, arts and entertainment and classifieds into a news magazine printed and delivered two or three times a week. It’s not a perfect solution, but it certainly can’t be any worse than the current business model.
At a press conference during a surprise visit to Iraq this past Sunday, President Bush found himself the target of an angry Iraqi reporter, ducking for cover behind the podium as the man hurled first one shoe then another, just inches past his head. To his credit, the president remains fairly agile and was unhurt by the projectiles. My guess is he’s thankful they were just shoes.
The big news on Wall Street this week was the curious case of one Bernard Madoff and his 50 billion dollar investment Ponzi scheme. For at least the past ten years, Madoff took millions from investors, promising them - and apparently delivering double-digit returns on their investments, regardless of whether the market went up or down. Well, it turns out that numbers that were too good to be true, were, well... too good to be true. Surprise! Who would have thought that a fifteen percent return ten years in a row, irrespective of market conditions might be an outright fraud? The fact is, absolutely NO ONE - including more than a few people with advanced degrees - knew how Madoff was making his money, but as long as it was rolling in hand-over-fist, nobody cared. It’s obvious that we have learned nothing from previous financial scandals like Enron and MCI. If you do not have at least a rudimentary understanding of how it works, perhaps you should not be investing in it. If your investment company is unwilling to explain your financial statement to you, they shouldn’t be your investment company. Why do otherwise intelligent people turn into blithering idiots at the sight of double-digit returns?
My NFL thoughts for Week 15:
Without Brandon Jacobs, the New York Giants look absolutely ordinary. Sorta like the Cowboys without Marion Barber.
Terrell Owens is a joke. A six-year-old in a middle-aged man’s body. He’s been a cancer to every single team he’s played for, and he makes it very difficult for me to respect Dallas.
How can the Pittsburgh Steelers continue to produce playoff caliber teams year after year after year? It doesn’t seem to matter who the coach is, who the players are or where the games are played, the Steelers make the playoffs, or at least contend throughout the season. How is it so easy for them, yet so difficult for teams like Detroit?
I think it’s time for the league to revamp the playoff system. Both the Denver Broncos and the Arizona Cardinals could make the playoffs with an 8-8 record, while three - maybe four teams with 10-6 records could find themselves watching from their living rooms. That doesn’t seem right. Just take the six teams in each conference with the best records, period. Find a flaw in that logic.
The Green Bay Packers are painful to watch. This team was one interception away from the Superbowl a year ago. Now they are in serious jeopardy of being the first team to drop a game to the Detroit Lions this year. Where did the good times go?
Matt Cassel pitched four touchdowns in this weekend’s obliteration of the junior varsity Oakland Raiders. Who needs Tom Brady?
Over the past two weeks, the Carolina Panthers have absolutely embarrassed both defenses they’ve played. I would like nothing more than to see them continue that right through the Superbowl. But I’m used to being disappointed.
My Superbowl picks for Week 15: Carolina Panthers vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
Apparently, Internet Explorer has some kind of huge security flaw that leaves computers open to attack from hackers and the like. Why is this news? Of course Internet Explorer has some kind of flaw in it, IT’S MICROSOFT INTERNET EXPLORER! It’s been flawed since its inception. Are people really still using Internet Explorer? What’s wrong with you people? How many times do you have to be punched in the face before you learn how to duck?
Saw this headline on CNN.com today: Nude models strip to protest low pay. Hmm. So you protested your job by... doing your job? Interesting.
Finally, Dubai will soon be offering the world’s first refrigerated beach. That’s right, a refrigerated beach. First an indoor ski resort, now a refrigerated beach. You just can’t give rich people money.
12.10.2008
Back in Black & White
Well, vacation’s over, back to work. Did you miss me? Wait, what do you mean, no?
While I was away, stuff happened. Strange. Stuff rarely happens when I’m around to talk about it. Is it me?
In response to terrorist attacks by armed gunman in Mumbai, India a little over a week ago which left nearly 200 people dead, Pakistani authorities apprehended half-a-dozen militants suspected of conceiving of and planning those attacks. They hope that turning them over to Indian authorities will be enough to prevent India from taking military action against Pakistan. And they’re probably right, but I suspect the only thing truly preventing either country from taking military action are the nuclear weapons on either side of the border.
On a tangentially related note, could someone please explain this country’s obsession with blood and gore and torture? Why is it acceptable to run video of a train station platform smeared with blood and guts and oh yeah, dead people, in prime-time, over and over and over again with no second thought, while CBS gets fined two million dollars for six-tenths of a second of Janet Jackson’s nipple? People will pay eight dollars to watch other people decapitated, dismembered, disemboweled and otherwise mutilated in the most horrific manner on screen. The evening news will show us live images of people jumping to their deaths from buildings and bridges, bombs ripping apart occupied subway cars and freshly murdered, still bleeding corpses strewn about the concrete with their blood-soaked friends and loved ones standing over them screaming hysterically and no agency finds that offensive. But if one 14-year-old stumbles across a bare breast on the internet, all manner of fines and regulations and legislation must be imposed on the rest of society to “protect the children” from the evil corrupting influence of sex and the human body. There’s something terribly wrong with that state of mind.
Khalid Sheik Mohammed, alleged mastermind of the attacks of September 11, 2001, along with five other co-conspirators, has decided he wants to plead guilty to all charges. Well great, case closed, right? Not exactly. Mohammed and his cohorts are charged with capital crimes. If convicted they are to be sentenced to death. But there’s a quirky little detail about the death penalty that has thrown the case into legal limbo. The law says the death penalty must be imposed by a jury. Military or civilian, it doesn’t matter, so long as a jury delivers the sentence. But if someone pleads guilty, there is no trial, and therefore, no jury; which, in this case could mean, no death penalty? A suspect cannot be compelled to plead not guilty and forced to go to trial against their will, and there is no way in burning hell the U.S. Government is going to house this clown and his posse in protective custody in a military or federal prison for the remainder of their natural lives, so there seems to be some doubt as to how to proceed. The judge assigned to the case has appealed to higher authorities for advise, and I’m sure he’ll have his answer before he retires from the bench, but this just strikes me as another part of this military tribunal equation that wasn’t fully fleshed out. It never occurred to anyone that any of these suspects might plead guilty. I’ll admit, it’s an unlikely scenario, but shouldn’t someone have at least raised the possibility?
The Supreme Court has refused to hear a challenge to President-elect Barack Obama’s citizenship by some moron in New Jersey claiming that Obama is not a “natural born citizen.” Yes, Hawaiian authorities and independent fact-checkers have already verified Obama’s birth certificate as valid, as well as the local newspaper article announcing his birth, but since when do facts matter to crusaders? This particular joker claims that even though Obama was born on U.S. soil (Hawaii), to an American citizen (mother), because his father was Kenyan, and therefore a British subject, Obama was technically a dual citizen and by some voodoo nobody understands, not a “natural born citizen.” Apparently the Court agreed with me, that this complaint is a giant steaming pile of manure, and that said moron from New Jersey can take himself home and live out the rest of his life in peace, stalking the invisible communists living under the stairs in the basement. I’ve given this far more ink than it deserves.
Striking, isn't it.
Just when you thought it was safe to put a little faith in your public servants, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested in his pajamas this morning and indicted on federal corruption charges for, among other things, attempting to sell President-elect Obama’s former Senate seat to the highest bidder. The wacky part about this story is not that the governor was demanding bribes and extorting money from everyone he came across. Politicians in general, Illinois governors specifically have a history of willfully abusing the public trust, the public purse, and every now and then, the public. What’s absolutely bizarre about this case is that Blagojevich has at least suspected - if not known for the past five years that he has been under investigation by the federal government. Yet, even knowing that, he still went ahead and tried to have the editor of the Chicago Tribune fired for his negative press coverage, cancel $8 million in funding for a children’s hospital because he did not receive a $50,000 campaign contribution, and demanding some sort of “consideration” from Obama’s potential replacements. According to the U.S. Attorney, the Governor was aware of the potential replacement favored by Obama, but when he was informed that the only thing she was willing to offer him in return was a thank you, he responded, and I quote (almost), “*bleep* her,” and proceeded to solicit half-a-million dollars from a far less scrupulous, as yet unnamed individual. I am astounded that this guy actually had the hubris to think that in spite of all the politicians that have been brought down by their own corruption over the past two years, he was going to get away with all this. As for the governorship, the people of Illinois might as well just dig up Lincoln’s corpse and prop him up in the mansion in Springfield. Even dead for 148 years he can’t possibly do any worse than the jokers they keep voting into office.
Oh Canada. The true North strong and free. When did you become the Italy of North America? Last week, the country was thrown into disarray when the Prime Minster requested and was granted a shutdown of parliament in order to avoid facing a non-confidence vote he was almost certain to lose. As some of you know, the Canadian political system is substantially different from the American system. I won’t bore anyone with a lengthy explanation of how the government functions or the details of the current circumstance, but here is the Cliff Notes synopsis:
- the Prime Minister and his party just won national re-election a few weeks ago.
- Canada is a Constitutional Monarchy, similar to Great Britain.
- he did not win enough seats to form a majority government, but since the remaining seats were split amongst several opposition parties, he expanded his ruling minority.
- the Prime Minister introduced a budget that was immediately panned by all members of the opposition.
- the opposition parties banded together and declared they and all their members would sign a vote of non-confidence against the Prime Minister.
- a non-confidence vote is about the equivalent of impeachment and removal from office, without any legal ramifications.
- not wanting to lose his job, the Prime Minister went to the Governor General and requested a shut down of parliament.
the Governor General is the representative of the Queen of England in Canada. Yes, the final arbiter of all things in Canada - a sovereign nation for the past 142 years, is still the Queen of England.
- faced with the choice between removing the Prime Minister from office and installing the leader of the opposition - who was about two days away from being forced to resign before this broke, calling another election - three weeks and $300 million after an election, or shutting down parliament and buying the Prime Minister some time, she chose the path of least resistance and shut down the government until after New Years Day.
And such are the perils of a minority government and a system that allows an unelected representative of a figurehead an ocean away to make decisions regarding your future. As stupid as the American political system can be, at least Americans are fully in control of their own destiny.
My NFL thoughts for Week 14:
This is a really wacky season. If you had told me in September that the San Diego Chargers would be three games under .500 at this point in the season, yet had still not been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs I would have asked for some of whatever it was you were smoking.
The New York Giants are mortal after all. It may be only temporary - until Brandon Jacobs returns at full strength, but it has to be comforting for everyone outside of New York City.
The Buffalo Bills played a “home game” against the Miami Dolphins in a dome - with the roof closed - in Toronto Sunday afternoon. Now please, don’t misunderstand me. I love Toronto. I lived in the Toronto suburbs for 12 years and I can’t think of a city I would rather live in. I would love to see NFL football thrive in Toronto. But to call this a home game for the Bills was just a travesty. Buffalo in December is bitterly cold and battered by lake-effect snow. Miami is warm and dry. Also, Dolphins running back Rickey Williams played several years of professional football in Toronto. Hosting a Bills game in a dome in Toronto completely eliminated Buffalo’s home field advantage. Bad call by the league.
Nobody was particularly impress when the Panthers torched the Lions for 300 rushing yards a few weeks ago. But on Monday night they put up 300 again on a much tougher defense, embarrassing Tampa Bay. If they can run like that in the playoffs they might be able to stop the Giants from repeating.
The cannibals are out in Dallas. The owner is barking at the players, the quarterback and the receivers can’t find the same page in the playbook, the coach is insisting everything is fine and Terrell Owens is still complaining that no one will throw him the ball. Jerry Jones might know a whole lot about money, but he knows absolutely nothing about team chemistry.
Oh, the Lions are still perfect. One more loss and they will tie the record for most losses in a season. Three more losses and they will become the first team in league history to finish 0-16. My fingers are crossed.
My Superbowl picks of Week 14: New York Giants vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
This story is football related, but yet much bigger than football. Giants star wide receiver Plaxico Burress got himself into trouble late last week when he admitted to shooting himself in the thigh at a New York City nightclub. The law in New York City states that if one is going to carry a firearm in the city one must have a valid concealed carry permit. But instead of discussing the issue, the media went off on tangents about why athletes feel they need to carry guns and blah blah blah. The bottom line is this. Plaxico has owned a gun and lived in New York for at least three years, he knows the rules. All he had to do was get the permit. That would have rendered the entire conversation moot. If he didn’t want to register his weapon, he could have hired a bodyguard with a valid weapons permit. He just signed a massive contract extension, we know he can afford it. And if he didn’t want to do that, he could have decided not to patronize an establishment where he felt he needed to carry an unlicensed firearm. Let’s put the responsibility where it belongs. Know the law and obey it. Pretty simple.
From the desk of crap we already know, someone published a study today proving that dogs have feelings too, specifically a sense of fairness. Um, yeah. Any idiot with more than one dog could have told you that, and for far less than the cost of that study. Seriously, people get paid to tell the rest of us stuff we already know? How do I get in on that gig?
Bill O’Reilly has announced that he will be ending his radio show, “the Radio Factor”, sometime in early 2009. He says he needs to concentrate on the television show and can no longer devote the time required to do both. Did you hear that? That was the sound of Keith Olberman popping every champagne cork in his wine cellar.
In a tacit admission that they have completely run out of ideas, NBC has announced they will be eliminating all scripted programming between 10:00 and 11:00 p.m. Monday thru Friday and replacing it with a show to be hosted by Jay Leno, leaving the Tonight Show to Conan O’Brien at 11:30. I like Leno. I do. But NBC is a joke. They’ve already replaced most of their line up with garbage like The Biggest Loser and America’s Got Talent (which is pretty darn misleading). Is it really that difficult to come up with a freakin’ idea? I’ve got a script I can pitch if anyone’s interested.
As of the end of this month, Polaroid will no longer manufacture its trademark instant film. The era of the Instamatic has come to an end, replaced by the cold boring practicality of digital photography. Damn that progress! Damn it I say! There was something about the anticipation of standing around waving the little white card waiting for the image to materialize that made photography just the coolest thing any kid could get into. Thanks for the memories Polaroid.
Finally, Larry Craig returns to haunts us one last time. The Minnesota Court of Appeals denied Craig’s request to withdraw his guilty plea in his airport gay sex solicitation scandal. So, we can officially continue to refer to former Senator Craig as that guy who solicited gay sex from an undercover cop in the bathroom at the Minneapolis International Airport then tried to deny it later claiming he just has a wide stance. Ah. Simple pleasures.
While I was away, stuff happened. Strange. Stuff rarely happens when I’m around to talk about it. Is it me?
In response to terrorist attacks by armed gunman in Mumbai, India a little over a week ago which left nearly 200 people dead, Pakistani authorities apprehended half-a-dozen militants suspected of conceiving of and planning those attacks. They hope that turning them over to Indian authorities will be enough to prevent India from taking military action against Pakistan. And they’re probably right, but I suspect the only thing truly preventing either country from taking military action are the nuclear weapons on either side of the border.
On a tangentially related note, could someone please explain this country’s obsession with blood and gore and torture? Why is it acceptable to run video of a train station platform smeared with blood and guts and oh yeah, dead people, in prime-time, over and over and over again with no second thought, while CBS gets fined two million dollars for six-tenths of a second of Janet Jackson’s nipple? People will pay eight dollars to watch other people decapitated, dismembered, disemboweled and otherwise mutilated in the most horrific manner on screen. The evening news will show us live images of people jumping to their deaths from buildings and bridges, bombs ripping apart occupied subway cars and freshly murdered, still bleeding corpses strewn about the concrete with their blood-soaked friends and loved ones standing over them screaming hysterically and no agency finds that offensive. But if one 14-year-old stumbles across a bare breast on the internet, all manner of fines and regulations and legislation must be imposed on the rest of society to “protect the children” from the evil corrupting influence of sex and the human body. There’s something terribly wrong with that state of mind.
Khalid Sheik Mohammed, alleged mastermind of the attacks of September 11, 2001, along with five other co-conspirators, has decided he wants to plead guilty to all charges. Well great, case closed, right? Not exactly. Mohammed and his cohorts are charged with capital crimes. If convicted they are to be sentenced to death. But there’s a quirky little detail about the death penalty that has thrown the case into legal limbo. The law says the death penalty must be imposed by a jury. Military or civilian, it doesn’t matter, so long as a jury delivers the sentence. But if someone pleads guilty, there is no trial, and therefore, no jury; which, in this case could mean, no death penalty? A suspect cannot be compelled to plead not guilty and forced to go to trial against their will, and there is no way in burning hell the U.S. Government is going to house this clown and his posse in protective custody in a military or federal prison for the remainder of their natural lives, so there seems to be some doubt as to how to proceed. The judge assigned to the case has appealed to higher authorities for advise, and I’m sure he’ll have his answer before he retires from the bench, but this just strikes me as another part of this military tribunal equation that wasn’t fully fleshed out. It never occurred to anyone that any of these suspects might plead guilty. I’ll admit, it’s an unlikely scenario, but shouldn’t someone have at least raised the possibility?
The Supreme Court has refused to hear a challenge to President-elect Barack Obama’s citizenship by some moron in New Jersey claiming that Obama is not a “natural born citizen.” Yes, Hawaiian authorities and independent fact-checkers have already verified Obama’s birth certificate as valid, as well as the local newspaper article announcing his birth, but since when do facts matter to crusaders? This particular joker claims that even though Obama was born on U.S. soil (Hawaii), to an American citizen (mother), because his father was Kenyan, and therefore a British subject, Obama was technically a dual citizen and by some voodoo nobody understands, not a “natural born citizen.” Apparently the Court agreed with me, that this complaint is a giant steaming pile of manure, and that said moron from New Jersey can take himself home and live out the rest of his life in peace, stalking the invisible communists living under the stairs in the basement. I’ve given this far more ink than it deserves.
Striking, isn't it.
Just when you thought it was safe to put a little faith in your public servants, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested in his pajamas this morning and indicted on federal corruption charges for, among other things, attempting to sell President-elect Obama’s former Senate seat to the highest bidder. The wacky part about this story is not that the governor was demanding bribes and extorting money from everyone he came across. Politicians in general, Illinois governors specifically have a history of willfully abusing the public trust, the public purse, and every now and then, the public. What’s absolutely bizarre about this case is that Blagojevich has at least suspected - if not known for the past five years that he has been under investigation by the federal government. Yet, even knowing that, he still went ahead and tried to have the editor of the Chicago Tribune fired for his negative press coverage, cancel $8 million in funding for a children’s hospital because he did not receive a $50,000 campaign contribution, and demanding some sort of “consideration” from Obama’s potential replacements. According to the U.S. Attorney, the Governor was aware of the potential replacement favored by Obama, but when he was informed that the only thing she was willing to offer him in return was a thank you, he responded, and I quote (almost), “*bleep* her,” and proceeded to solicit half-a-million dollars from a far less scrupulous, as yet unnamed individual. I am astounded that this guy actually had the hubris to think that in spite of all the politicians that have been brought down by their own corruption over the past two years, he was going to get away with all this. As for the governorship, the people of Illinois might as well just dig up Lincoln’s corpse and prop him up in the mansion in Springfield. Even dead for 148 years he can’t possibly do any worse than the jokers they keep voting into office.
Oh Canada. The true North strong and free. When did you become the Italy of North America? Last week, the country was thrown into disarray when the Prime Minster requested and was granted a shutdown of parliament in order to avoid facing a non-confidence vote he was almost certain to lose. As some of you know, the Canadian political system is substantially different from the American system. I won’t bore anyone with a lengthy explanation of how the government functions or the details of the current circumstance, but here is the Cliff Notes synopsis:
- the Prime Minister and his party just won national re-election a few weeks ago.
- Canada is a Constitutional Monarchy, similar to Great Britain.
- he did not win enough seats to form a majority government, but since the remaining seats were split amongst several opposition parties, he expanded his ruling minority.
- the Prime Minister introduced a budget that was immediately panned by all members of the opposition.
- the opposition parties banded together and declared they and all their members would sign a vote of non-confidence against the Prime Minister.
- a non-confidence vote is about the equivalent of impeachment and removal from office, without any legal ramifications.
- not wanting to lose his job, the Prime Minister went to the Governor General and requested a shut down of parliament.
the Governor General is the representative of the Queen of England in Canada. Yes, the final arbiter of all things in Canada - a sovereign nation for the past 142 years, is still the Queen of England.
- faced with the choice between removing the Prime Minister from office and installing the leader of the opposition - who was about two days away from being forced to resign before this broke, calling another election - three weeks and $300 million after an election, or shutting down parliament and buying the Prime Minister some time, she chose the path of least resistance and shut down the government until after New Years Day.
And such are the perils of a minority government and a system that allows an unelected representative of a figurehead an ocean away to make decisions regarding your future. As stupid as the American political system can be, at least Americans are fully in control of their own destiny.
My NFL thoughts for Week 14:
This is a really wacky season. If you had told me in September that the San Diego Chargers would be three games under .500 at this point in the season, yet had still not been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs I would have asked for some of whatever it was you were smoking.
The New York Giants are mortal after all. It may be only temporary - until Brandon Jacobs returns at full strength, but it has to be comforting for everyone outside of New York City.
The Buffalo Bills played a “home game” against the Miami Dolphins in a dome - with the roof closed - in Toronto Sunday afternoon. Now please, don’t misunderstand me. I love Toronto. I lived in the Toronto suburbs for 12 years and I can’t think of a city I would rather live in. I would love to see NFL football thrive in Toronto. But to call this a home game for the Bills was just a travesty. Buffalo in December is bitterly cold and battered by lake-effect snow. Miami is warm and dry. Also, Dolphins running back Rickey Williams played several years of professional football in Toronto. Hosting a Bills game in a dome in Toronto completely eliminated Buffalo’s home field advantage. Bad call by the league.
Nobody was particularly impress when the Panthers torched the Lions for 300 rushing yards a few weeks ago. But on Monday night they put up 300 again on a much tougher defense, embarrassing Tampa Bay. If they can run like that in the playoffs they might be able to stop the Giants from repeating.
The cannibals are out in Dallas. The owner is barking at the players, the quarterback and the receivers can’t find the same page in the playbook, the coach is insisting everything is fine and Terrell Owens is still complaining that no one will throw him the ball. Jerry Jones might know a whole lot about money, but he knows absolutely nothing about team chemistry.
Oh, the Lions are still perfect. One more loss and they will tie the record for most losses in a season. Three more losses and they will become the first team in league history to finish 0-16. My fingers are crossed.
My Superbowl picks of Week 14: New York Giants vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
This story is football related, but yet much bigger than football. Giants star wide receiver Plaxico Burress got himself into trouble late last week when he admitted to shooting himself in the thigh at a New York City nightclub. The law in New York City states that if one is going to carry a firearm in the city one must have a valid concealed carry permit. But instead of discussing the issue, the media went off on tangents about why athletes feel they need to carry guns and blah blah blah. The bottom line is this. Plaxico has owned a gun and lived in New York for at least three years, he knows the rules. All he had to do was get the permit. That would have rendered the entire conversation moot. If he didn’t want to register his weapon, he could have hired a bodyguard with a valid weapons permit. He just signed a massive contract extension, we know he can afford it. And if he didn’t want to do that, he could have decided not to patronize an establishment where he felt he needed to carry an unlicensed firearm. Let’s put the responsibility where it belongs. Know the law and obey it. Pretty simple.
From the desk of crap we already know, someone published a study today proving that dogs have feelings too, specifically a sense of fairness. Um, yeah. Any idiot with more than one dog could have told you that, and for far less than the cost of that study. Seriously, people get paid to tell the rest of us stuff we already know? How do I get in on that gig?
Bill O’Reilly has announced that he will be ending his radio show, “the Radio Factor”, sometime in early 2009. He says he needs to concentrate on the television show and can no longer devote the time required to do both. Did you hear that? That was the sound of Keith Olberman popping every champagne cork in his wine cellar.
In a tacit admission that they have completely run out of ideas, NBC has announced they will be eliminating all scripted programming between 10:00 and 11:00 p.m. Monday thru Friday and replacing it with a show to be hosted by Jay Leno, leaving the Tonight Show to Conan O’Brien at 11:30. I like Leno. I do. But NBC is a joke. They’ve already replaced most of their line up with garbage like The Biggest Loser and America’s Got Talent (which is pretty darn misleading). Is it really that difficult to come up with a freakin’ idea? I’ve got a script I can pitch if anyone’s interested.
As of the end of this month, Polaroid will no longer manufacture its trademark instant film. The era of the Instamatic has come to an end, replaced by the cold boring practicality of digital photography. Damn that progress! Damn it I say! There was something about the anticipation of standing around waving the little white card waiting for the image to materialize that made photography just the coolest thing any kid could get into. Thanks for the memories Polaroid.
Finally, Larry Craig returns to haunts us one last time. The Minnesota Court of Appeals denied Craig’s request to withdraw his guilty plea in his airport gay sex solicitation scandal. So, we can officially continue to refer to former Senator Craig as that guy who solicited gay sex from an undercover cop in the bathroom at the Minneapolis International Airport then tried to deny it later claiming he just has a wide stance. Ah. Simple pleasures.
12.02.2008
Turn of a Century
Apparently, this is my 100th post. Believe me, no one is more surprised than I am. Anyway, I've decided to celebrate by not posting this week. I realize I'm already four sentences into ruining that celebration, but, it is what it is. Those are the perks of working for free. Enjoy the week off and I'll see all four of you back here seven days from now. Good times, noodle salad.
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