Black is the New Black

Bit of a slow news week, so this will probably be pretty short. Of course I thought that last week too. Look how that turned out.

The CEO of Citigroup sent out a mass e-mail to all his employees Tuesday morning that the corporation turned a profit during the first two months of this year. Once that news hit the airways, Wall Street got nostalgic for the good old days of 2007 and boosted the domestic markets about 5%, and shares of the company 40% - to $1.45 a share. That’s right; a share in the second largest bank in the nation can be yours for the price of large fries at McDonald’s. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke hinted at upcoming regulations designed to prevent institutions like Citigroup and AIG from becoming “too big to fail.” Common sense has come to Washington, and its name is Ben.

Minnesota is the new Florida. Four months after Election Day, Minnesota still has only one U.S. Senator, and there is no end in sight. Republican Norm Coleman and Democrat Al Franken remain separated by 225 of over 3 million votes in a recount process that makes glacial retreat look expeditious. Have some rhubarb pie and count the votes people! How difficult can this possibly be?

The wife of newly sworn-in Zimbabwean Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai was killed in an automobile accident late last week that also injured the Prime Minister. Accident. Right. Whatever gets you through the day, Mugabe.

Pakistani lawyers are on the march again, protesting the failure of the current president to reinstate the chief justice of the Supreme Court dismissed by the previous president. Tension and increasing bitterness between the ruling party and the main opposition continue to threaten the stability of a weak government already overwhelmed by the global economic downturn and lawlessness along its northern border. I think we’ve seen this movie before. Let’s hope this one doesn’t end with any assassinations.

Early last week, American arch-nemesis Hugo Chavez expropriated (nationalized) the Venezuelan operations of U.S. food conglomerate Cargill, and threatened to do the same to various other industries. Suffering from the crash in oil prices, the Chavez government is suffering through a domestic political crisis with rising commodity prices, ballooning unemployment, rising discontent. Of course, instead of accepting responsibility, Chavez is blaming everyone he can point a finger at, from the United States, to the European Union to the people under the stairs for creating instability in his socialist dystopia. He’s like the Terrell Owens of world leaders, dropping the ball and blaming the quarterback, the lights, the turf and the ball for not magically sticking to his fingers.

Speaking of T.O., seems like Jerry Jones finally came to his senses. After insinuating a week ago that Owens would remain a key element of the team, the Dallas Cowboys owner surgically removed this cancer from his franchise and dumped him on the free agent market, where he was promptly scooped up and grafted onto the right flank of the struggling Buffalo Bills. As if there wasn’t enough to loathe about Buffalo. Why teams keep signing this character, I don’t know. If they simply want to flush $6.5 million down the toilet, I’m sure I can find a way to accomplish it without destroying the chemistry of the franchise in the process.

Apparently last week Tuesday was “square root day.” If you already knew that, get a life.

Flipping through the channels the other day I noticed something interesting. Black people are everywhere! Not only are African-Americans finding themselves in leading roles in films and scripted television shows, they are now marketing everything from cellular phones to cooking spray, to auto insurance to German cars to erectile dysfunction tablets with bathtubs in the middle cornfields. It’s phenomenal! It’s like Madison Avenue suddenly discovered that there is a whole… I don’t know… race, of people out there who eat the same food, drive the same cars, watch the same television, wear the same clothes and have the same concerns as everybody else in America. Seriously, when black people are modeling for the Gap and Abercrombie & Fitch, a breakthrough has been made somewhere. Hmm. I wonder what brought that on?

Finally, Barbie turned 50-years-old yesterday. She still looks pretty good for her age. Since the original (based on a German prostitute doll) debuted in 1959, Mattel has sold more than a billion dolls worldwide, saddling little girls everywhere with the desire to support shameless commercialism (“Let’s go shopping!”), gender stereotypes, (“Math is hard!”), and unattainable physical dimensions. Happy birthday Barbie! Hope you didn’t purchase the Malibu beach house with a sub-prime loan.