How Did That Get There?

Again this post is a day late. The story of my life. Too much going on Monday nights. I think I need to get some ESPN for my second television. Anyway, on to the weekend review.

After years of vehemently denying that she Ben Johnsoned the 2000 Olympics, sprinter Marion Jones finally admitted she was hopped up on “the Clear” around the time she won her five medals in Sydney, Australia. In a teary confession/apology, Jones said she will return her ill-gotten gains to the International Olympic Committee, accepted a two-year ban from competition, and decided to retire on the spot. I guess this goes to prove the adage that cheaters sometimes do win – before they lose.

In response to a New York Times article revealing more memos the Administration wrote in support of what some have labeled questionable interrogation tactics, both President Bush and his press secretary proclaimed to anyone who would listen that the U.S. government does not torture suspects during interrogation. Cleverly, they also refused to define exactly what their definition of torture is. Doesn’t this feel a little like “it depends on what the meaning of ‘is’ is?” Just another day at the office for the Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink, Just Trust Us Administration.

Senator Larry Craig (this guy again?) is being inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame – which I understand is the abandoned grain silo next to mile marker 56 on Interstate 84. Seriously, Idaho has a Hall of Fame? Really? And they want to feature Larry Craig? Did Mr. Potatohead turn them down? Maybe I just missed the National Professional Airport Bathroom Gay Sex League Playoffs on ESPN this weekend.

For the third straight quarter, Senator Barack Obama managed to raise over $20 million dollars for his presidential campaign. I wish I’d had this guy managing my fifth grade bake sales. Imagine the windfall from the sugar cookies.

During a civics presentation to a high school class, State Representative Matthew Barrett was startled – and embarrassed to find that before a bill becomes law it must be signed by topless women. Somehow, several nudie pictures had mysteriously mixed themselves in with the rest of his PowerPoint presentation. After class, Mr. Barrett had the memory stick he used during his presentation examined by the school’s technology director, who determined that in addition to the presentation, the stick also contained a directory of nude images. Barrett said he has “no idea where these came from.” Sure. I think I’ve seen this on an episode of Cops. That guys said the crack pipe in his glove box wasn’t his either. Somebody alert Best Buy, apparently all memory sticks now come preloaded with softcore porn. The Representative also claims he received the memory stick as gift from a legislative liaison from the state Library of Ohio three weeks ago. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts, right?

A Wisconsin Sheriff’s deputy, humiliated by an ex-girlfriend and others at a party, later returned and shot six of the seven remaining partygoers to death. Guns don’t kill people. Bullets do.

If you want to see how not to coach a football game, watch the tape of the Bears Packers game from Sunday night. Note to Mike McCarthy; if you want to know how to coach a game, watch the tape of the Dallas Buffalo game from Monday night. Give the ball to your playmakers and let them make plays, and stick to what you do best. Don’t stop doing something because it’s working. Oh, and if you want to see how to blow a call even after you’ve reviewed the replay, see one James Jones (non)fumble and one Edgerrin James (non)touchdown. Why bother having instant replay if you’re still going to screw up the call?

Finally, an arbitrator has ruled that ex- Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick must repay nearly $20 million in bonus money he received from the team for signing his 10 year $130 million dollar contract in December of 2004. If Vick wants to rehabilitate his image I would like to offer a suggestion. Instead of fighting tooth and nail to hold on the money, wouldn’t it be great if Vick could work out a way for at least a significant portion of that $20 million to somehow find it’s way to the Humane Society for the care and adoption of homeless animals? Just a thought. I have many. Every once in a while one just slips out.