First and Ten

I’m watching pre-season football this evening. I watched a little yesterday too. I know, I can see the quizzical, disdainful looks. Why would I subject myself to games that don’t matter featuring players that no one’s ever heard of? Well, the answer’s pretty simple. It ain’t baseball. So, as I sit patiently through the eternal pre-season, eagerly awaiting opening night, I have plenty of time to kick around a few thoughts about the upcoming season, and football in general.

Apologies to baseball fans, but football is America’s Pastime. From Pop Warner to the NFL, America is a football nation. Just ask any high school kid in Texas what Friday nights are all about. The baseball season is too long, too boring, and features the same teams in the playoffs every year. If I have to listen to another month of blather about the Yanks and the Sox I think I’ll hurl. Since there are only 16 NFL games per season, every game matters. No one can afford to just take a few games off. Everyone plays hard every game, or they don’t play. There are no Roger Clemens deals (only plays when he wants, doesn’t travel with the team, makes more money than the state of Wisconsin). And you absolutely never know at the start of the season who’s going to make the playoffs. Last year the usually abysmal New Orleans Saints shocked everyone by making it all the way to the conference championships on the surgically repaired shoulder of a veteran quarterback and the crazy legs of a rookie. Despite injuries to their superstars and a tax preparer playing in the secondary, the Seattle Seahawks still won the Wild Card game before being sent home by the Chicago Bears in the overtime period of the Division Championship. If you’re a Royals fan, I’m so sorry. But if you’re a Lions fan, this could be your year.

The sports media needs to stop the relentless plugging of the NFC East teams. I understand that it’s difficult to be objective about the home teams, but outside of New York, Washington and Philadelphia, NO ONE cares about the Giants, Redskins or the Eagles. Eli Manning will never be Peyton Manning, Joe Gibbs should have stuck to auto racing, and when the Philly fans learn how to act like human beings maybe we’ll care about what happens to their sports teams. How about a little more love for more exciting franchises, like San Diego, Cincinnati, Carolina, and even Chicago. And please, stop the insanity of trying to place a franchise in Los Angeles. People in Los Angeles don’t care about sports. Has anyone ever watched a Lakers game? Most of the fans don’t show up until midway through the second quarter. There are simply too many other things to do by the ocean in Southern California to bother showing up to a sporting event on time – if at all. Save the franchise for a city that might appreciate it.

Finally, I don’t really understand the purpose of the cheerleaders. I mean, I understand that you really can’t go wrong with attractive women in crop tops, hot pants and knee-high leather boots. But there are plenty of attractive women fitting that description seated throughout the stadium. Do we need a uniformed and choreographed version of the same thing standing on the sidelines? Is there really some guy in Wyoming sitting six inches from his plasma screen, telephone in hand, waiting to call DirecTV and cancel his Sunday Ticket subscription if he doesn’t see the four second clips of the ladies waving their pom-poms at the camera as the network returns from commercials? Really? I think the game may finally have reached the point where the gimmicks are no longer necessary. You know what sport needs cheerleaders? Ice hockey. The NHL should make the investment to provide teams with a cheerleading budget. Seriously, what American male would rather watch a bunch of yahoos playing poker with other people’s money than attractive women in fitted jerseys and Lycra shorts dancing in a nicely chilled arena? Hell, at this point, it doesn’t matter why they’re watching, as long as they’re watching, right?