Pipe Dreams

It’s finally Friday. I’m sorry, do we really need to have so many days between Monday and Friday? Raise your hand if you want three day work weeks with an afternoon siesta?

Last week’s round-up was a little short, mostly because the world is incredibly boring. But I am anything but boring - sometimes. So I offer up this supplement for your amusement.

General David Patreaus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker gave their semi-annual report on the Iraq war to Congress. The verdict? Progress is being made. Surprise! They fooled you, didn’t they. You thought they were going to say that so much progress has been made, they were packing up and rolling home, didn’t you. Silly rabbit. As long as progress is being made, this administration will not withdraw from Iraq. And make no mistake about it, as long as this administration is in office, progress is being made, regardless of whether progress really is being made or not.

While we’re on the subject, I’m sick of progress. Seriously. I’m bordering on physically ill. If I hear one more person mention the word progress I will collapse into convulsions, foaming at the mouth. As a matter of fact, I’m so sick of progress, I’m placing a moratorium on progress. From this moment on, I will no longer use the word p______s until it ceases to become a synonym for “screw you, we do whatever the hell we want.” Or until I forget what I just wrote. Whichever comes first.

President - and sore loser - Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe has ordered run-off elections to determine the winner of last month’s presidential elections. This despite the fact that the country’s election commission still refuses to release the results of the election to the public. Anybody else find that odd? Why would you hold a run-off election if you don’t know whether or not you won? And there is the rub. Mugabe lost his election, and he knows it. But he loves his 600,000% inflation rate so much he refuses to leave office and instead will insist on dragging out the process, beating his opposition to death and declaring victory by default. Consider this. How awful of a president to you have to be to lose an election you rigged to benefit yourself?

To the absolute surprise of NO ONE outside of the network, CBS cancelled it’s newest stomach-churning reality experience “Hidden Talents of the Stars” after two-thirds of an episode. For some reason it seems viewers weren’t all that interested in watching ensign Sulu sing Willie Nelson or Clint Black do his impression of David Letterman. Who knew? Anybody seen A Clockwork Orange? Remember the scene where they sit they strap Malcolm McDowell’s character to the chair, prop his eyes open with the metal pincers and force him to watch all the disturbing images in an attempt to cure his sociopathy? Why can’t we superglue all the network executives to a park bench in the Yellowknife in the middle of January, prop their eyes open with toothpicks and force them to watch every single minute of the mindless drivel they attempt to inflict on the public every day. Maybe then we won’t have to suffer through Lipstick Jungle and Big Brother 37.

Speaking of mindless drivel, there is another controversy brewing over political campaign finance reform. Republican Senator John McCain, co-author of the McCain-Feingold bill - seems to be having trouble raising money for his presidential campaign. The two remaining Democratic candidates have raised a total of over $500 million dollars to date, whereas McCain has managed to score little over $50 million - about 10% of their total. Republicans - who used to feel they had an advantage over Democrats in the fund-raising arena prior to the implementation of new campaign finance rules - have never quite forgiven McCain for drying up their funding and seem to be reluctant to contribute money. But, they also remember how effective the “Swift Boat” ads were at helping sink John Kerry’s bid for the presidency four years ago. So, several groups have filed lawsuits to overturn the limits on political contributions by individuals to both “non-profits” and to the candidates themselves. Now, while I am in favor of complete public funding of presidential elections, I’m not entirely opposed to this idea either. The Supreme Court has ruled on multiple occasions that political contributions are protected by the First Amendment as money equals speech. And like my First Amendment right as much - maybe more - than the next guy. And let’s face it. Regardless of what we do, “special interest” money - however you choose to define that term - always gets into politics and gums up the works. So instead of trying to limit contributions, let’s completely eliminate the restrictions. Allow any individual to contribute whatever amount he or she desires to the candidate of his or her choice. On two conditions. First, the contributor must be a human being. No more corporate donations, no more union donations, no more donations from anything that is not a living breathing human being. And second, full disclosure. Every dollar contributed must be accounted for and publicly accessible. When someone makes a donation, his or her name goes up on a campaign finance section of the candidate’s website, along with the amount they have contributed. With this system, anyone could find out exactly who donated to whom and how much. No more hiding behind organizations like People For the American Way, or America Coming Together or Middle-aged Bisexuals for Tea and Crumpets on Tuesdays. The Constitution guarantees individuals the right to freedom of speech, not anonymity. If you feel strongly enough to say what you want, you shouldn’t have to hide behind some faceless entity to say it.

About 2,784 years ago a bunch of Greeks got together and said, “Hey, you know what would be really cool? We should all get together, get naked, and compete against each other in some sports!” And thus the Olympics were born. Now, 2,784 years - and a gazillion dollars later, I would humbly suggest we return to the original idea. If nothing else we could increase viewership. There is a second controversy brewing ahead of this summer’s Beijing games. It surrounds a new swimsuit developed by Speedo that reportedly increases a swimmer’s speed by about 2%. These aren’t figments of the marketing department’s imagination. Since February, 23 swimming world records have been broken, 22 of them by swimmers wearing the new suit. There are some people - mostly those sponsored, employed by or invested in Speedo - who view this breakthrough suit as the greatest thing to happen to the sport since the invention of the heated pool. These people are idiots. I don’t know if anyone remembers this, but the Olympic games are actually about fair competition between human beings. When said human beings ingest or inject synthetic (or in some cases natural) substances to enhance their performance, we call that that cheating. Yet when these same human beings encapsulate themselves in synthetic substances to enhance their performance, we call that progr..., um... advancement. I don’t see the difference. Both techniques provide certain competitors with a distinct advantage over the others. True, anyone can purchase the new swimsuit if they are willing to shell out $600. But, anyone could inject themselves with anabolic steroids as well. Both methods produce the same result. The new swimsuit amounts to little more than a technological steroid. Competition should be between the athletes, not their sponsors. I’m fully aware that there is too much money invested in the modern Olympic machine to emphasize the athletics over the commercialism. But wouldn’t it be nice to hold a competition for the purpose of showcasing the sport instead of the sponsorships? Let’s hear it for athletic men and women running, jumping, flipping and swimming in the nude!

Finally, a suburb of San Francisco has petitioned to rename its sewage treatment plant the George W. Bush Sewage Treatment Plant. If they were looking for a story that would write its own jokes, mission accomplished. Tee hee hee.

Interstate Love Song

So I’m a little late this week. So what. It’s not like you were perched on the edge of your seats waiting with baited breath for my weekly words of wisdom. Were you? Seriously?

The latest polls seem to indicate that Senator Clinton’s lead over Senator Obama in Pennsylvania has shrunk to between 4 and 7 points from the 20+ points it had been earlier in the campaign. Pennsylvania seems to be following the trend of previous states in that the longer Obama campaigns in a state, the better he does. If the tend continues, Obama should pull to at least within the margin of error, then give up a couple points to Clinton the day or two before the election. Clinton needs to win every state she is expected to win in order to make her case to the super delegates to overturn the will of the electorate and hand her the nomination. But if Obama should take Pennsylvania, this race could be over.

Senator Clinton’s primary campaign strategist “resigned” this past week over an embarrassing situation regarding a free trade deal. Mark Penn and his public relations firm had been employed by the Columbian government to lobby congress on behalf of a proposed free trade deal with the United States. Unfortunately for Penn, a significant portion of Senator Clinton’s support - especially in states like Ohio and Pennsylvania - is due to her stated opposition to free trade deals. This whole scenario sounds vaguely familiar, doesn’t it? Wouldn’t it be better if we just lined up all the political candidates behind a one-way mirror and picked out the one we thought looked least like a crook? Giving them millions of dollars, a staff of hundreds and eighteen months to campaign, and expect them not to put their feet in their mouths is simply asking too much.

State police and the FBI raided the Texas compound of imprisoned FLDS leader Warren Jeffs last Thursday after receiving a local shelter received a phone call from a sixteen year-old girl claiming she had ben raped by her 50 year-old husband. Since that time, 555 women and children have either left or been removed from the ranch for questioning. Officials have so far been unable to locate the girl that made the phone call, but have placed the 416 children they did find under the protection of the state while they try to sort the matter out. I guess what I don’t understand is why this raid didn’t take place a long time ago. The FBI has known about this compound for years. They’ve been aware that underaged girls are married off to older men with multiple wives, both of which are illegal Texas. Yet up until now, nothing has been done. It seems as though law enforcement is still too scarred by the events of Waco, Ruby Ridge and Elian Gonzalez to confront anything of this nature head-on without something like a call from and alleged victim. At least they managed to get through this one without the ranch burning down, shooting anyone, or returning anyone to a communist country at gunpoint.

Oil company executives took the stand on Capitol Hill last week to face questioning regarding their record profits in the face of the country’s economic downturn. During the discussion, one or more of them made the remark that while their profits were large, they really were in line with the profits of many other companies. Reeeally. Companies like Bear-Stearns perhaps? Americans may be dumb enough to pay to $4.00 a gallon for gasoline, but they certainly aren’t stupid enough to buy that. For Exxon and others in their industry to claim that their profits are in line with those of other companies is akin to Ferrari claiming that their prices are in line with those of other compact car makers. Please. Show me another company making $40.6 billion a year in profits. Do these people even live on the same planet as the rest of us?

The Olympic torch arrived in San Francisco yesterday for its only North American stop. Even before it landed, the protests had started. Only days earlier In London and Paris, protesters had attacked torch bearers (including a teenaged girl) in an attempt to extinguish the Olympic flame. Pro-Tibet activists in Frisco scaled the Golden Gate Bridge with climbing equipment hidden in baby-carriages to hang banners protesting the presence of the flame in the city. Today, police changed the route the torch was to take through the city in order to avoid confrontations like those in Europe. The International Olympic Committee will soon vote on whether or not to cancel all the remaining international legs of the relay in light of the uproar. But doesn’t it seem as though this is something the IOC should have expected when they awarded the games to the Chinese eight years ago? Even though they are very adept at making money hand over fist in the capitalist marketplace, they remain a communist country, repressing individual rights and freedoms. It going to be that way at least until a new generation of leaders who care more about economic prominence than military dominance replace the old guard of the ruling party. How China handles these games will provide some indication as to where they are on the scale of progress.

American Airlines cancelled over a thousand flights today to perform FAA required inspections on some of the wiring on-board their MD-80 planes. This follows the cancellation of over five hundred flights yesterday and precedes who knows how many cancellations tomorrow. The demand for inspections is a bit of a CYA of behalf of the FAA after being caught allowing Southwest Airlines to slide on many of their inspections last year. All this chaos comes at a time when fares are increasing, on-time flights have declined dramatically, passenger complaint are up 40-60%, and a different airline goes bankrupt every week. If the next president wants a guaranteed winning issue, fix the air travel system in this country. Monkeys in pants could run a transportation system better than the airlines and the FAA.

There are reports that Michael Vick is playing pick-up football in prison. No word on whether he’s playing quarterback or tight end. Sorry. Couldn’t resist that one.

Finally, two items which may interest only me. The Stone Temple Pilots have launched a 65-date reunion tour which kicked off last night in Los Angeles. Let’s see how long it takes before Scott Weiland screws this tour up with a three day heroin binge. And, the NHL playoffs begin this week. Unfortunately, only three of the six Canadian teams survived the season, but three is at least three times better than zero. So here’s to Montreal, Ottawa or Calgary making the finals and not choking on the sweet taste of victory for the fourth straight season. Get that cup back where it belongs!

Welcome to the Candy Shop

Today is opening day of the Major League Baseball season. Don’t cry, Cub fans. There’s always next year.

Last week a poll was released indicating that 28% of Clinton supporters claim they will not support Obama if he gets the Democratic Party nomination, versus 19% of Obama supporters who claim they will not support Clinton if she wins the nomination. How did the Democratic Party go from claiming they have two candidates they were very happy with to having 47% of the Democratic primary electorate dissatisfied with their choices in a little less than ninety days? Anyone who thinks that a prolonged primary campaign does anything positive for the Democratic Party is smoking some pretty powerful stuff. Anybody seen President Clinton?

Continuing on the subject of polls, Gallup released a poll today showing Barack Obama with a 10-point lead over Hillary Clinton nationally, among Democratic voters, as of March 29 of this year. This is a complete reversal of Gallup’s early February polls which showed Clinton with an 11-point lead over Obama. This may come as a surprise to some of you, but I consider myself a fairly intelligent individual. (Feel free to disagree if you are so inclined.) But considering the month Senator Obama has had, the beating he took for his association with the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, and the strength of Clinton’s support among voters in the upcoming Pennsylvania primary, conventional wisdom would seem to dictate Obama should be scrambling up the tube slide trying to catch up to his opponent. But nothing about this campaign (except for the politics) is conventional, is it?

I wasted seven minutes of my life this evening watching CNN talking-head Lou Dobbs. The Sultan of Smug was discussing the “obvious, indisputable media bias” against Hillary Clinton. His reporter guest from the Washington Post was commenting on a study by some purportedly “unbiased” media research center saying that in the past 60 days, approximately 83% of the network news coverage and commentary on Senator Obama has been “positive”, versus about 53% positive coverage for Senator Clinton. Now I’m always a little suspicious of studies coming from “unbiased” sources. If someone has to tell you they are unbiased, they probably aren’t. Hearing this news the obligatory Clinton supporter proceeded to blame the media for not being hard enough on Obama, while the obligatory Obama supporter claimed the Clinton campaign - who has traditionally enjoyed what some might call favorable media coverage - more or less had a case of sour grapes. I realize it may be difficult to believe, but I think there was a lesson somewhere in this display of adolescence. First, I’m always wary of anyone who claims to be unbiased. If someone tells you they have no preference, they more than likely have a preference. (The same rule applies to people who claim that you can trust them.) But assuming the results of the study are accurate, it raises an interesting point of conversation. Critics of media bias point to anything short of a perfectly even distribution of positive and negative coverage between all the candidates is patently unfair and a threat to the democracy. But there is something else to consider. Not all ideas - or candidates - are created equal. Take the equal coverage argument to its absurd extreme conclusion. Would Joseph Stalin merit the same quantity of positive news coverage as Mahatma Gandhi? Obviously neither Barack Obama nor Hillary Clinton is either Joseph Stalin or Mahatma Gandhi, but the underlying principle may still be applicable. Is it possible that some items or issues receive more favorable coverage because they simply merit more favorable coverage?

While we’re on the subject of issues, can I tell you how tired I am of hearing supporters of both Democratic candidates complain that the primary campaign is focusing too much on personality and not enough on “the issues.” It is somewhat of a dubious charge. There have been no less than twenty debates during the course of this campaign. If you don’t know where each senator stands on the issues you either haven’t been paying attention or you simply aren’t interested in finding out. But there is a a degree of truth to the statement. This Democratic primary race is a personality contest. And there is a very good reason for that. The actual policy differences between the candidates amount to little more than the difference between midnight and 12:03 am. Both want the same things for the country, each has a slightly different way of achieving those goals. And because the goals are so similar, the contest has turned to the areas in which the senators differ - style and personality. Which may offer an explanation for Obama’s 10-point national lead.

Late last week a chunk of ice four times the size of Manhattan broke away from a Connecticut-sized ice-shelf in Antarctica and tumbled into the ocean. So much for those Emperor penguin water-front condos.

Some of you may have determined from statements made in previous posts that I am something of a car guy. So you can imagine my surprise when the Ford Motor Company sold luxury British automakers Jaguar and Land Rover to Tata Motors of India. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something seems so very wrong with that sentence. Perhaps it’s the fact that two of the most durable symbols of automotive luxury are now owned by the manufacturer of the world’s cheapest car. But there’s a bit of irony here too, isn’t there? For 89 years India found itself under the thumb of the British Empire, exploited for its labor, spices and other commodities. Now two marquees of British capitalism are controlled by by the former colony. Like rain on your wedding day, right? The free ride, when you’ve already paid. The good advice that you just... well, you get the picture.

Zimbabwe is minting new $10 million paper notes. Why would someone need a $10 million bill you ask? Well, if $10 million nets you a grand total of two rolls of toilet paper, you can see how things like $100 bills could be considered completely and utterly useless. Keeping that in mind, President Robert Mugabe distributed cars to a group of about 45 doctors a few days prior to his country’s upcoming presidential elections in a shameless - if not at all admirable - attempt to buy votes for himself. No word or whether or not the rumors of the doctors burning the cars to cook whatever scraps of food they could find are true.

According to news reports, the hottest thing on YouTube right now is a Delta Airlines safety video. That’s right, a safety video. Why is it hot? I have no idea. I don’t understand YouTube, let alone anything on it. But I’m told the video’s popularity has something to do with its “star”, a thirty-something red-haired woman with cheekbones like oranges and lips the size of Florida. Of course, none of this explains the morbid fascination with this strange piece of film, but I guess everyone loves a freak show.

Finally tonight, rapper Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson has rescinded his support for Hillary Clinton and decided to support Barack Obama. Hmm. With friends like those....

Finger-Licking Good

Well, it’s Monday night, and you know what that means. That’s right, my wife is recording How I Met Your Mother while she watches Dancing With the Stars. And you know what that means. That’s right. I’m as far away from the television as I can possibly get.

Short wrap-up this week. Not a lot of new stuff to talk about. Where’s Larry Craig when you need him?

I’m a little weary of national politics this week, so here’s the shorthand version of last week in government. People got angry, things were said, endorsements were made, sniping ensued, nothing was accomplished, blah blah blah, the end. We covered most of it last time anyway. But I would like to make the following observation. The Democratic Party has a serious problem. Every primary campaign generates its share of bad blood, but typically the nominee is decided fairly early and the wounds inflicted during the primary have several months to heal, and the party has time to reunite before the general election campaign gets into full swing. This campaign is different. In part because of the way the system is set up, the party has two powerful candidates – each with large constituencies – separated by only a hundred delegates, with a winner unlikely to be declared ahead of the convention in Denver in August. In an ideal world, a long campaign in which the candidates engage in civil discourse regarding their virtues and the issues at hand would provide voters with a wealth of accurate information from which to make their decision. But this is not an ideal world, the current discourse is anything but civil and the discussion has little to do with virtues and issues. And the longer this… quagmire… is allowed to continue, the more fractured and bitter the party becomes. If the campaigns of Clinton and Obama are allowed to continue beating the tar out of each other unrestrained for the next five months, they will be handing the election over to a Republican Party which, by most historical measures (unpopular war, unpopular president, slumping economy, etc…) has no business winning this election. McCain won’t even have to do any work. Each Democratic candidate will have done such a fine job convincing voters why they shouldn’t vote for their opponent, that all the Republicans will have to do is replay Democratic primary attack ads and campaign sound bites and order the balloons for their victory party. The party needs to come up with a solution, and they need to do it quickly, before this gets completely out of control.

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has been indicted on 12 felony counts including perjury and obstruction of justice stemming from his under-oath denial of an alleged affair with his now-former Chief of Staff. Despite text messages seemingly confirming the affair and calls from the City Council for his resignation, Kilpatrick remains defiant, vowing to fight the charges and remain at his post for as long as it takes. Is there any doubt as to why the city of Detroit is such a mess?

Several years ago Kentucky Fried Chicken changed it’s name to KFC. It seems the word “fried” had fallen out of favor with the milkshake-swilling, French fry-stuffing, bacon double cheeseburger-guzzling, fast food-dependant public. Apparently the Colonel hoped that by abbreviating the company name, more health-conscious people might mistake assume the KFC stood for Kentucky Fitness Club and stop in for a light snack to go with their workout. It didn’t work. Go figure. But the Colonel will not be deterred. KFC announced this week that it would roll out a new product labeled “Kentucky Grilled Chicken,” in an attempt to provide a healthier alternative to its usual fare. At the risk of sounding… intelligent? Perhaps KFC needs to remember exactly who they are and why they became popular in the first place. Let Subway take care of the power-walkers and yoga-moms. You focus on making fried chicken.

Maxim magazine named actress Sarah Jessica Parker the “un-sexiest” star. Hmm. Can’t really argue with that.

I read a headline today I simply had to take issue with. A story on the CNN website lead with the statement, “Automotive Fuel Efficiency Suddenly Sexy.” Really? Sexy like Roseanne Barr! Has anyone ever actually seen a Prius? Anyone who finds a Toyota Prius sexy needs to have his or her head examined. I’m a thirty-one year old man; believe me, I know sexy when I see it. And fuel efficiency ain’t sexy. It may be a lot of other wonderful things, but it certainly isn’t sexy. Now I’m sure the author meant that fuel efficiency is the new black, or something lame like that. But one needs to be careful and precise when discussing matters of sexy. It’s not a subject to be taken lightly.

Finally, Zach Dunlap feels “pretty good” for a dead guy. Mr. Dunlap was declared brain dead and was about to have his organs harvested for transplant when his mother noticed him moving his hands and feet. Although body-imaging scans showed no brain activity and no blood flow, Zach Dunlap was alive, and once doctors realized this, they were able to revive him. He’s doing fine now – aside from some degree of memory loss. Let that be a lesson to everyone. Before you die, make sure you draft a will. And in your will, make sure you demand at least two – if not three or four – different sources confirm that you are indeed COMPLETELY dead, and not just MOSTLY dead. You can return from being mostly dead – if you’re lucky. And if you do escape the bright white light, you’re going to need all your organs intact and not be buried under six feet of dirt. Be certain of your deadness before you surrender anything you might need in order to live.

Mostly Harmless

Baseball fans and commentators have a saying, “That’s just Manny being Manny.” It refers to Boston Red Sox outfielder Manny Ramirez. Every time Manny does something stupid - which is damn near all the time, people just shrug and say, “Hey, that’s just Manny being Manny.” I think I’ll be co-opting that for use throughout my daily routine. Let’s go with it and see what happens.

This week is the fifth anniversary of the invasion of Iraq. The fifth anniversary of “shock and awe”, if you will. In the coming days, General Petraeus will return to Capitol Hill to report to give Congress his annual report on on what is taking place in Iraq. Conventional wisdom is that he will tell us the same thing he told us before. Progress is being made, but more progress is needed. That’s the funny thing about progress. When you’re making it, you feel good about it, and you get excited about making more. But when you aren’t making it, you feel like you should be and you put more time and resources into making it - regardless of whether or not you should be. At this point, I have no idea what will happen with Iraq, and frankly, I’m not sure I care. The only thing I can be sure of is that progress will be made - toward something... maybe. On a lighter note, Vice President Cheney’s android double emerged from his super secret location just long enough to swing by Baghdad to celebrate a “mission accomplished” with the troops in the theater. No word yet on whether his power cell technology has advanced enough to allow him to be seen in public more often. But hey, that’s just Cheney being Cheney, right?

The Supreme Court heard oral arguments today regarding the definition of the Second Amendment. With all the babble surrounding gun control in this country, it’s difficult to believe that this case involving the District of Columbia’s 32 year ban on the possession of handguns within city limits is the first gun rights case expected to yield a Supreme Court decision since 1939. What this all boils down to is whether or not the Second Amendment grants individuals or militias the right to keep and bear arms. For those of you who are unfamiliar with your Constitution’s Bill of Rights, the amendment reads as follows: A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state; the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed. Intelligent people continue to disagree on exactly what that phrase means, but it’s obvious to anyone who can read that 217 years of confusion could have been avoided if James Madison had simply written a better sentence. But you know, that’s just Madison being Madison. Remember, guns don’t kill people. Bullets do.

In response to the circulation of video clips featuring his pastor of twenty years saying some very stupid things, Barack Obama did something today in Philadelphia that no politician I can remember has ever done. He talked openly and honestly about race. I did not hear the speech live this morning, but since then I have heard sound bites and read excerpts and several things are very clear to me. First and perhaps most importantly, Barack Obama gets it. He understands where American race relations have come from and he understands where they could be going. Nobody with anything to lose ever wants to talk about race. To be fair, Obama didn’t really want to talk about race either. He’s based his entire campaign on the idea that race is largely irrelevant as a qualification for the highest office in this country. Unfortunately, a significant portion of the population is not adult enough to accept that. So, instead of trying to sweep it back under the rug where it belongs, he decided to confront it head on, in a well-crafted, well-delivered, intelligent, effective speech. But in reaching that conclusion, I also realized this: some people in this country just don’t get it - and never will, and others just can’t seem to let go. Men like Obama’s pastor, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, are products of a different era. He grew up in an America with separate water fountains, “colored” entrances and segregated schools where black children needed the protection of the National Guard to simply get to class. His social and political views are a product of that experience. And despite the fact that the America of 2007 does not resemble the America of 1957, people like Jeremiah Wright are simply unable to let go of the past. On the other hand, there is a segment of this country which believes that racial intolerance, injustice and animus ended with the July 2, 1964 signing of the Civil Rights Act. According to them, the playing field has been level and fair opportunities have been available for the past 44 years and black people should just shut up about it and get on with life. Both these groups damage the discourse and make it difficult to achieve any sort of understanding. The good news is that men like Wright are a dying breed. Relics of a bygone era, being replaced by men like Obama. The bad news is that for some people, that progress is not enough. Odd, isn’t it. The mere mention of progress is enough to sustain a multi-billion dollar war in a foreign country, but it may not be enough to sustain the political candidacy of a single man.

Prior to this incident, I had convinced myself that there was actually a chance that a bi-racial man really could be elected president of a mostly white country based on his ideas and vision for the country. I don’t believe that anymore. I’ve seen too many farcical roundtable discussions, listened to too many ignorant talk show callers and read too many disturbing blog comments to continue in that belief. Hillary Clinton’s entire pitch to super delegates is that there are Democratic voters who simply will not vote for Obama because of who he is, nudge nudge, wink wink. It’s sad, but America is what it is. It isn’t going to change. Not in my lifetime.

It looks like there might be a Democratic primary re-vote in Michigan on June 3. As part of a compromise plan to have their delegate seated at the upcoming Democratic convention, Michigan Democrats have agreed in principle to hold a privately funded re-vote, this time with the participation of both of the remaining candidates and both names on the ballot. Florida on the other hand, remains stubborn, refusing to hold any kind of re-vote and trying to force the Democratic Party to capitulate to their demands. Does it surprise anyone that the state of Florida is incapable of properly conducting a voting exercise? I guess that’s just Florida being Florida.

The Dalai Lama has “threatened” to resign if protests throughout Tibet continue to turn violent. I don’t know much about the Dalai Lama. I know he’s been a thorn in China’s side for as long as he’s been the Lama, and beloved throughout the rest of the world during that same period. But it is difficult to imagine a pacifist threatening anything, doesn’t it?

Private Lynndie England (you may remember her from her poses with stacked, naked prisoners on leashes and guard dogs at Abu Ghraib prison) gave an interview to a German news magazine in which she blamed the media for turning “something that happens in war” into an international scandal. According to England, if the media simply hadn’t reported the story, insurgents would not have been able to use the photos as a recruiting tool and “thousands of lives would have been saved.” Come on Lynndie. Can I call you Lynndie? Isn’t that a little like saying that the problem with the fork stuck in your brother’s eye is not that you stuck it there, but that he told your parents that you did it. I’d like to offer a suggestion to Ms. England. Perhaps if you hadn’t placed naked men on leashes, had them bitten by guard dogs and photographed yourself doing it, the media would not have had anything to report. Sometimes people simply need to take responsibility for their own actions. Guess that’s just Lynndie being Lynndie.

The first person who can adequately explain the current economic situation to me gets ten dollars. Of course, by the time I get an answer that ten dollars will probably be worth only five dollars, so, the sooner the better.

Tiger Woods won his fifth straight PGA tournament this past weekend. Yawn. Let me know when he loses a tournament. That will be news. How did the sport of golf get to the point where something as difficult as defeating a field full of the best players in the world every weekend has become mundane and routine? How good is this guy?

On a lighter note, Mariah Carey claims that her sexed-up image makes her look ditzy, and that she would like for people to take her more seriously. I think this one writes its own jokes.

Finally, rapper and producer P. Diddy (formerly Puff Daddy, formerly Sean “Puffy” Combs) has denied rumors that he was involved in the as yet unsolved 1996 Las Vegas murder of rap superstar Tupac Shakur. Ordinarily I like to stay away from the murder mystery speculation at least until there is some measure of evidence to substantiate the claim. But I think I have to throw in with Mr. Diddy on this one. Anyone remotely familiar with Diddy’s earlier work knows he had only one skill: nodding his head in time with the music. He made a name for himself this way, standing around nodding his head in the music videos of more talented performers - occasionally varying his act by waving his arms and repeating, “yeah, yeah,” every second and fourth beat. None of those actions are remotely related to driving a car, holding a firearm or squeezing a trigger. His absolute ineptitude virtually assures he could have had nothing to do with it. Just Diddy being Diddy.

Save the Whales

Billy Crystal signed a one-day contract with the New York Yankees to play in a grapefruit league game against the Pittsburgh Pirates on Thursday afternoon. Some baseball pundits claim this makes the Yankees look foolish. Apparently they missed the entire steroids era. How long do we have to wait for football to start again?

Just when I thought I would have to roll into the weekly wrap-up utter devoid of actually news, along comes New York Governor Eliot Spitzer to pull the proverbial cookies out of the fire. That’s right, you are enjoying this week’s recap courtesy of Governor Spitzer, now with more straight sex. The former state attorney general found himself the target of a federal prostitution investigation. According to the FBI affidavit, “Client-9” (later identified as Spitzer) arranged to meet and employ the “services” of an escort named “Kristen” during a visit to Washington DC at the rate of $4,500 to $5,000 an hour. It has since come to light that over the course of the past six to ten years, the governor may have spent as much as $80,000 in pursuit of extra-curricular activities. There is no shortage of irony in that revelation. During his tenure as attorney general Spitzer terrorized the rich and powerful of Wall Street, felling them by whatever means necessary – including indicting suspects for mail fraud, insider trading and, yes, prostitution. What is it with powerful people? Where does that level of arrogance come from? What breeds that feeling of invincibility – that they can get away with acts for which they would destroy other people? What makes Spitzer’s “indiscretion” (if one can legitimately call a six-year, $80,000 prostitution habit an indiscretion), so egregious is that this guy made a living prosecuting people for engaging in the very same behavior he indulged in. Oh, and that prostitution is illegal in the state of New York. You can argue as to whether or not the exchange of sex for money should be against the law, but the fact is that it is, and as attorney general and later governor, Spitzer was well aware of that fact. The chief law enforcement officer of the state cannot be allowed to remain at his post after admittedly breaking the laws of his own state. If he wanted to pay for the company of ladies not his wife, he should have gone to Nevada. And so ends the political career of Eliot Spitzer. He discovered what so many powerful men before him have come to understand. If you live by the hos, you will die by the hos.

Fresh off a record-setting $55 million fundraising February, his delegate victory in Texas last Tuesday, and a win in the Wyoming caucuses on Saturday, it appears as though Barack Obama has also come up big in Mississippi, taking the last state primary before Pennsylvania votes on April 22. That’s six weeks of dead air, which the Democratic candidates will no doubt fill with meaningless personal jabs and gibberish until my head shrivels up and disappears into my neck. When will this be over? The Democratic Party must realize that after six more weeks of the candidates beating each other into the ground only makes McCain’s job that much easier. There must be some way to resolve thing before it reaches the convention in Denver this summer still without a nominee. I know he’s 71 years old, but a fresh and rested McCain will be a formidable foe for whoever emerges battered and bruised from this clash of the titans.

In the past ten days, Barack Obama has begun to understand exactly what it means to challenge a Clinton for public office. Clinton is in this race to win it, and she doesn’t care what she has to do to accomplish that goal. Whether it’s complaining about the coverage, perpetuating false rumors, or attempting to undermine his candidacy by suggesting he’d make a great second fiddle, but shouldn’t be seriously considered for anything more than that, she’s pulling out all the stops. Thus far Obama has managed to remain largely free of the mud slinging and name-calling typically prevalent in political campaigns. We’ll see if he can continue to do so under increasing fire from a seasoned political opponent.

Admiral William Fallon, now former chief of U.S. forces in the Middle East and Central Asia, has resigned. The admiral cited an “inaccurate perception” that he was at odds with the administration over a course of action in dealing with Iran as his reason for stepping down. The inaccurate perception may have resulted from the fact that on several occasions Fallon has made statements indicating a disinteresting in military action against Iraq’s western neighbor. I’ll leave it up to others wiser than me to decide how much of Admiral Fallon’s resignation came willingly and how much was “encouraged”, but it seems to fit a pattern of consequences for military commanders who for whatever reason fail to adhere to the administration script regarding the wars and foreign policy. President Bush prides himself on listening to his “commanders on the ground” and heeding their advice regarding what military actions to take. I guess that’s a little easier once he’s rid himself of anyone who doesn’t share his opinion.

Early last week, Boeing discovered they had lost a long-sought $35 billion Air Force mid-air tanker refueling contract to the partnership of Northrop-Grumman and EADS – parent company of it’s chief rival Airbus. Late last week, some members of Congress – primarily those members from states where Boeing factories are located, could be heard roaming the halls of the Capitol screaming bloody murder about the “blatant unfairness” of the bidding process, and the “un-American-ness” of awarding a defense contract to a partnership of which one member is European. Early this week, Boeing decided to fight it’s own battles and whined to the GAO, asking them to investigate the process through which the contract was awarded. In case the sarcasm isn’t coming through, Boeing’s argument is about as disingenuous as those of the Michigan and Florida Democratic Parties. I work in the field of architecture, which has allowed me a little insight into the federal bidding process. Government contracts are set up to do one thing and one thing only: get a decent product at the lowest possible price. Period. Because as much money as the government has, they never seem to have enough money to cover what they want to do. Having been the recipient of tens – if not hundreds, maybe thousands of government contracts, Boeing certainly understands this at least as well – if not better than I do. Yet, for some reason, the still lost the bidding war. Why? Simple. The Northrop Grumman/EADS alliance provided the Air Force with a good plane at a much better price. Boeing took the contract process for granted. They figured there was no possible way a branch of the U.S. government would award a defense contract to a partially foreign partnership in the middle of an economic downturn. So they tried to make a little extra money off the deal and got burned in the process. Better luck next time.

I hate daylight savings time. It’s pointless and stupid. As a matter of fact, I think so little of it; I’m not going to capitalize it once in this paragraph. This past week a study was released which concluded that the primary justification for daylight savings time – significant energy savings – is completely unfounded. In this modern age, where people get to work early and stay late, live in sprawling houses with more televisions than toilets and think nothing of spending three hours in traffic burning three dollar a gallon gasoline, the energy savings we net from moving our clocks an hour ahead for eight months out of the year are negligible – if anything at all. Seriously. If daylight savings time is so fantastic, let’s set the clocks two hours ahead and leave it that way all year long. My preference would be to remain on standard time year round, you know, like the rest of the solar system does. But for crying out loud, just pick a system and go with it, and quit screwing-around with the clock.

Another study discovered that drinking water in most of the nations major urban areas is contaminated with pharmaceuticals. Does this mean I can dial back my prescription drug plan?

An Orlando mother was caught on security camera video power-washing her 2 1/2 year-old daughter at a car wash. According to the mother, the child was throwing a tantrum and spraying the toddler in the face and legs with the pressurized stream from the hose was merely an effective method of discipline. She also claims she did not have the hose on full blast. No word on whether she had selected the foaming wash, clean rinse or hot wax discipline.

In another story of motherly madness, a Texas woman threw her two struggling young children from a freeway overpass during rush hour traffic before leaping off herself. All three landed on the concrete in the far left lane of westbound Interstate 30 – and survived. I don’t mean to be insensitive, but these children are more than fortunate that their mother is a complete and utter failure.

Finally, in the feel-good story of the week, a local New Zealand dolphin rescued two pygmy sperm whales stranded on a beach northeast of Wellington on Wednesday. Moko – that’s the name of the bottlenose dolphin – typically spends most of it’s time swimming with humans at the beach. But, after watching rescuers work for over an hour to get the mother and calf back into the water, only to have them strand themselves four times on a sandbar, Moko pushed between the rescuers and the whales and somehow led them through the channel and back out to open water. Once the whales were returned to the ocean, Moko returned to the beach to continue playing with the swimmers. Weird, huh. Moko didn’t even bother to ask why the whale was a single mother, or why they were incapable of reading the map and following directions, or even if they were in those waters illegally. That dolphin would never make it in America.

Number 4

Today marks the end of an era. Brett Favre has retired. For the past 16 years the immortal Number 4 has led the Green Bay Packers into battle every Sunday against the NFL’s elite. This morning, 61,665 passing yards, 160 wins, 442 touchdowns, 275 consecutive starts, three league MVP awards and one Superbowl victory later, he has decided to hang up the jersey for good. For the past three years the off-season has brought rampant speculation as to whether or not he would finally walk away from the game he so obviously loved. But this year was different. At the age of 38, after a resurgence the likes of which has not been seen in sports in recent memory, everyone assumed Favre would return to Green Bay at least one last time to try to get over the hump and back to the Superbowl. Instead he has decided he will not return to Lambeau Field in a uniform in the fall. He is leaving on his own terms, after a stellar season, uninjured and with his legend intact, which is more than can be said for so many athletes in his position. Everyone wants to go out like John Elway, hoisting the championship trophy high above one’s head. But if you can’t go out on top, there are few better ways to go out that the way he has chosen to go. Packer fans will miss him, football fans will miss him and most of all, the game will miss him. The NFL has had no better ambassador over the past decade. So grill up a bratwurst and pour yourself a cold one. Here’s to Number 4.

Not wanting to be outdone by a certain Texas icon’s endorsement of a political candidate, Patriots superstar receiver Randy Moss secured a divine endorsement of his own last week. Patriots quarterback and all-round suave, debonaire ladies-man Tom Brady was reported as saying, “Wherever (Moss) goes, I go.” For anyone unfamiliar with the dynamics of New England high society, that qualifies as Boston’s equivalent of an endorsement by Jesus. It may not carry quite the same weight in Massachusetts as it does in Texas, but props from the Golden Boy are special none the less.

From the best of the best to the worst of the worst. The once proud New York Knicks have become the laughing stock of professional basketball. As if it wasn’t enough that head coach and general manager Isiah Thomas has traded away every decent draft pick for the next fifty years, drastically overpays every single one of the mediocre players on his roster and was found guilty of sexually harassing an employee, Thomas has now reportedly banned his underachieving star guard and fashion diva Stephon Marbury from the arena. Rumor has it that Marbury is still under contract with the Knicks and expected to play, so banning him for his place of employment doesn’t make any sense to me. Then again, nothing about the Knicks makes sense, does it.

It’s good to know that rumor, innuendo and good old-fashioned fear-mongering are not only alive and well in American politics, but frightening effective. On the eve of “Critical Tuesday” (why do people feel the need to give stupid little nicknames to everything?), Senator Clinton seems to be enjoying a bit of a resurgence in the polls. Somehow she has managed to convince voters and media alike that even if she loses a close election in Ohio and/or Texas, she can still be considered a winner for over coming Senator Obama’s momentum. I guess I don’t understand how the evaporation of 20+ point Clinton leads in Ohio and Texas in just three weeks can be legitimately viewed as anything but disaster, but maybe I’m just not looking hard enough. Regardless of whether or not winning races you were always projected to win can be considered a comeback, it’s the manner in which the “comeback” was launched that upsets me. Clinton didn’t come out hammering Obama on his stance on the issues - his stance is nearly identical to hers. No, first she complained about the referees - the media. They just weren’t being fair to her, not making any calls in her favor. So of course, as all referees do when the superstar complains about the officiating, they stopped calling fouls on her and started calling fouls on Obama. And once that started to work, her campaign began to try to paint her Obama as some kind of closet black supremacist, slum lord, cloak-and-dagger Muslim secretly plotting to turn the country over to the United Arab Emirates the day after he’s inaugurated. And for some reason, “progressive, enlighten” Democratic voters seem to be bought into it hook, line and sinker. I expect that kind of reaction from American fascists - they are afraid of their own shadows. But I should be able to expect more from people who claim to be free-thinkers. The American electorate never ceases to disappoint me.

By the way, Mike Huckabee ended his bid for the presidency this evening. After running a race perhaps much longer than he should have, the former Arkansas governor finally decided to call it quits, leaving John McCain the unquestioned Republican presidential nominee. By winning Texas this evening McCain accumulated the magic number of delegates to clinch the nomination - whether or not Huckabee dropped out of the race. But now McCain can take the next three months off relaxing at home in Arizona while the Democrats continue to waste time deciding on a nominee.

Apparently there is a video making the rounds on YouTube depicting a U.S. Marine gleefully tossing a puppy off a cliff. Or rather there WAS a video depicting a U.S. Marine gleefully tossing a puppy off a cliff. YouTube received thousands of complaints about the clip and pulled it from circulation. Protests even reached the point where the Marine Corp. has opened an investigation into whether or not the video is real, and if so, what punishment he will face. Don’t hold your breath for anything significant. Isn’t this how serial killers start out. Executing animals, graduating to people? I’m not sure which disgusts me more. The fact that some mentally deficient excuse for a human being thought it was funny hurl a helpless animal to its death, or the fact that thousands of people knew the content of this clip and still proceeded to watch it.

The price of oil hit an all-time high of over $104 during trading this past Monday. Adjusted for inflation that cost exceeds the high set during the peak of the oil crisis in 1980. Finally, the media no longer has to interview that one idiot who always says, “Well, adjusted for inflation oil still costs less than it did during the Carter administration.” That moron will have to come up with some other, equally lame rationalization for why speculators and oil producers/extractors/refiners should be allowed to continue to rip off the consumer. I’m sure he’s already working on it.

Finally, a Japanese pin-up model was convicted last year of property destruction after a man accused her of kicking in his door and confronting her about his activities with another woman. But her conviction was overturned on Monday after the Tokyo High Court agreed that her 44-inch bust was simply too large for her to gain entry through the hole in the man’s door. What do you know. Over-sized breasts getting someone OUT of trouble. How about that. All this time all Larry Craig needed was a 44-inch bust.