Ivory Towers

Tuesday is the new Monday. Seriously, it is. Check your calendar.

It’s super duper Tuesday people! Again. Get excited. I know, I can’t either. Early results indicate that Senator Clinton will take the Pennsylvania Democratic primary – as expected. The margin of victory is still uncertain, but it looks like it will be somewhere between 6 and 12 points. For the past six weeks the media has been telling anyone who would listen that this could be a decisive moment in this marathon of a campaign. However, since mid-March they’ve known the awful truth, that this primary solves nothing. Obama still has a considerable lead in both fund-raising and delegates, and with a very friendly North Carolina and a somewhat friendly Indiana next on the schedule – he is poised to add to that lead. Clinton will continue to compete in upcoming primaries, and this race will continue at least until the final primary on June 3. So, take your seat belts off, crank up the tunes and ignore the kids fighting in the back seat. This one’s going to continue to be ugly.

In a bizarre piece of political news, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton will face each other on World Wresting Entertainment’s Fright Night Smackdown. Sort of. Digital versions of the candidates (avatars) will face each other in a videogame version of one of the most popular shows on cable. Personally, I think this is a fantastic idea. Why don’t we settle all our differences this way? I’ll even take it a step further. Forget about the digitizing, just stick to the (semi) real thing. Let’s get Israel and Palestine to each pick a representative, dress them in some spandex underwear, throw them in the ring and let them drop kick each other until somebody gives up. We could add some theme music, cute little stage names, maybe even entrance videos showing the combatants beating old ladies with pillows and stealing candy from babies. At least this way, nobody else gets killed, neighborhoods don’t get blown up and any retaliation is confined to the ring. Come on, if people will watch Flava of Love, this can certainly find an audience.

I want to talk about elitism for a moment. This has been on my mind for a while now, but really came to the forefront in the past few weeks with this business of some comments Senator Obama made at a campaign event in California. His opponents have tried to paint him as an over-educated, idealistic academic who just doesn’t understand “regular folk” like “the rest of us.” There are two fundamental problems with that statement.

First, no matter how hard they try to convince you of it, neither politicians, nor pundits are “regular folk.” Regular folk do not have their own radio or television programs. Regular folk do not have luxury coaches with decals of their names plastered on the side and vanloads of reporters in tow. Regular folk do not receive six-figure compensation for making speeches, are not chauffeured to work in stretch limousines, or maintain a winter townhouse in Georgetown and a summer home in Martha’s Vineyard. Simply repeating something ad nauseam does not make it true. Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly are not “regular folk.” Hillary Clinton, John McCain and Barack Obama are not “regular folk.” They may have started out that way, but they’re not anymore. And they do not understand what it means to be “regular.” Their only concept of regularity is related to the amount of fiber present in their diet. They are the elite. The top one-percent. They are the very people they are trying to convince you they are not.

Second, what is the problem with being elite? Every single parent in this country who gives a damn about his or her child, pushes that child to stay in school, get excellent grades, go on to college, get a degree, find a good job and make something of him/herself. Parents don’t push their kids toward mediocrity, they push them toward excellence. They want them to be the best. No mother in the world looks at her son and says to herself, “You know what, I hope that someday my little Johnny grows up to be an absolutely non-descript, middle-of-the-road, ho hum, plain old regular guy!” No one does that! The entire American system is set up to allow and encourage every generation to improve upon the one before it. Every low-income family wants to be middle class, and every middle class family wants to be rich. Everyone wants to be elite. Yet somehow there is an idea permeating the culture that elite individuals should act like “regular folk” in order to be accepted. Like there is some twisted kind of pride in plodding through life, scraping by with a high school diploma (maybe) and an monotonous assembly line job waiting to be shipped off to China at a moment’s notice. Well, understand this. I did not spend five years and $100,000 on college to be “regular folk.” My parents expect better of me and I expect better of myself, and so should every single person torturing him or herself reading this paragraph. There’s nothing wrong with success. And there is certainly nothing wrong with not being just like everyone else.

Even though auto sales declined on a whole this past year, sales of hybrid cars actually increased by about 38%. With gasoline steadily creeping toward $4.00 a gallon, American consumers are embracing hybrid technology as a way to keep a little extra money in their pockets. Yet Ford, General Motors, Honda, and to some extent Toyota, continue to complain that sales of hybrid versions of their top-selling vehicles simply aren’t all that strong. Well, there is a very simple explanation for this. There is a very good reason why the Toyota Prius accounts for 50% of all hybrid cars on the road. Its certainly not due to its performance – which is somewhat lacking. And it has nothing to do with its stunning good looks. (That sarcasm’s awfully bitter, isn’t it?) The reason why the Prius is the hybrid of choice is because it is… distinct. Everyone knows a Prius when they see one.

There is a “smug” factor associated with environmental consciousness. It takes some degree of effort to alter one’s lifestyle to become “greener.” And people who go to all the trouble to be green, want everyone to know they’ve gone through all that trouble. When you show up at the Christmas party with in a Prius, everyone knows they are going green and congratulates them for doing it. But if you show up in a hybrid Ford Escape, nobody knows anything – unless they walk outside through the snow and get nice and close to the tiny little hybrid sticker on the tailgate. And by the time they’ve gone through all that trouble they’re just cold and wet and miserable and no longer give a crap about what you’re doing to save the planet.
There is a valuable lesson to be learned from the Prius. If you make it distinct, they will buy it. Doesn’t matter how ugly it is. Is there an uglier car on the road than the Prius? But the people don’t care. Put some leather seats and a hybrid engine in a UPS delivery van and it will sell 50,000 units. People want to be recognized for their contribution to the planet. And the Prius – as frustratingly ugly as it is – accomplishes just that. Learn from that.

Finally, teen media sensation Miley Cyrus, (daughter of Billy “Achy Breaky” Cyrus), has signed a book deal to publish her memoirs. She’s fifteen. I didn’t know there was a market for biographical pamphlets, but apparently I just haven’t been keeping up with the market. I don’t know what life lessons she could possibly have learned in 15 years (a third of which she probably doesn’t remember), and I certainly don’t care enough to shell out $20 for the pamphlet to find out, but I am kind of interested in what she’ll come up with. She could probably distill everything down to one simple, yet poignant statement. At least she’s not Lindsey Lohan.

Interstate Love Song

So I’m a little late this week. So what. It’s not like you were perched on the edge of your seats waiting with baited breath for my weekly words of wisdom. Were you? Seriously?

The latest polls seem to indicate that Senator Clinton’s lead over Senator Obama in Pennsylvania has shrunk to between 4 and 7 points from the 20+ points it had been earlier in the campaign. Pennsylvania seems to be following the trend of previous states in that the longer Obama campaigns in a state, the better he does. If the tend continues, Obama should pull to at least within the margin of error, then give up a couple points to Clinton the day or two before the election. Clinton needs to win every state she is expected to win in order to make her case to the super delegates to overturn the will of the electorate and hand her the nomination. But if Obama should take Pennsylvania, this race could be over.

Senator Clinton’s primary campaign strategist “resigned” this past week over an embarrassing situation regarding a free trade deal. Mark Penn and his public relations firm had been employed by the Columbian government to lobby congress on behalf of a proposed free trade deal with the United States. Unfortunately for Penn, a significant portion of Senator Clinton’s support - especially in states like Ohio and Pennsylvania - is due to her stated opposition to free trade deals. This whole scenario sounds vaguely familiar, doesn’t it? Wouldn’t it be better if we just lined up all the political candidates behind a one-way mirror and picked out the one we thought looked least like a crook? Giving them millions of dollars, a staff of hundreds and eighteen months to campaign, and expect them not to put their feet in their mouths is simply asking too much.

State police and the FBI raided the Texas compound of imprisoned FLDS leader Warren Jeffs last Thursday after receiving a local shelter received a phone call from a sixteen year-old girl claiming she had ben raped by her 50 year-old husband. Since that time, 555 women and children have either left or been removed from the ranch for questioning. Officials have so far been unable to locate the girl that made the phone call, but have placed the 416 children they did find under the protection of the state while they try to sort the matter out. I guess what I don’t understand is why this raid didn’t take place a long time ago. The FBI has known about this compound for years. They’ve been aware that underaged girls are married off to older men with multiple wives, both of which are illegal Texas. Yet up until now, nothing has been done. It seems as though law enforcement is still too scarred by the events of Waco, Ruby Ridge and Elian Gonzalez to confront anything of this nature head-on without something like a call from and alleged victim. At least they managed to get through this one without the ranch burning down, shooting anyone, or returning anyone to a communist country at gunpoint.

Oil company executives took the stand on Capitol Hill last week to face questioning regarding their record profits in the face of the country’s economic downturn. During the discussion, one or more of them made the remark that while their profits were large, they really were in line with the profits of many other companies. Reeeally. Companies like Bear-Stearns perhaps? Americans may be dumb enough to pay to $4.00 a gallon for gasoline, but they certainly aren’t stupid enough to buy that. For Exxon and others in their industry to claim that their profits are in line with those of other companies is akin to Ferrari claiming that their prices are in line with those of other compact car makers. Please. Show me another company making $40.6 billion a year in profits. Do these people even live on the same planet as the rest of us?

The Olympic torch arrived in San Francisco yesterday for its only North American stop. Even before it landed, the protests had started. Only days earlier In London and Paris, protesters had attacked torch bearers (including a teenaged girl) in an attempt to extinguish the Olympic flame. Pro-Tibet activists in Frisco scaled the Golden Gate Bridge with climbing equipment hidden in baby-carriages to hang banners protesting the presence of the flame in the city. Today, police changed the route the torch was to take through the city in order to avoid confrontations like those in Europe. The International Olympic Committee will soon vote on whether or not to cancel all the remaining international legs of the relay in light of the uproar. But doesn’t it seem as though this is something the IOC should have expected when they awarded the games to the Chinese eight years ago? Even though they are very adept at making money hand over fist in the capitalist marketplace, they remain a communist country, repressing individual rights and freedoms. It going to be that way at least until a new generation of leaders who care more about economic prominence than military dominance replace the old guard of the ruling party. How China handles these games will provide some indication as to where they are on the scale of progress.

American Airlines cancelled over a thousand flights today to perform FAA required inspections on some of the wiring on-board their MD-80 planes. This follows the cancellation of over five hundred flights yesterday and precedes who knows how many cancellations tomorrow. The demand for inspections is a bit of a CYA of behalf of the FAA after being caught allowing Southwest Airlines to slide on many of their inspections last year. All this chaos comes at a time when fares are increasing, on-time flights have declined dramatically, passenger complaint are up 40-60%, and a different airline goes bankrupt every week. If the next president wants a guaranteed winning issue, fix the air travel system in this country. Monkeys in pants could run a transportation system better than the airlines and the FAA.

There are reports that Michael Vick is playing pick-up football in prison. No word on whether he’s playing quarterback or tight end. Sorry. Couldn’t resist that one.

Finally, two items which may interest only me. The Stone Temple Pilots have launched a 65-date reunion tour which kicked off last night in Los Angeles. Let’s see how long it takes before Scott Weiland screws this tour up with a three day heroin binge. And, the NHL playoffs begin this week. Unfortunately, only three of the six Canadian teams survived the season, but three is at least three times better than zero. So here’s to Montreal, Ottawa or Calgary making the finals and not choking on the sweet taste of victory for the fourth straight season. Get that cup back where it belongs!