Out of Order

I’m a little tired. Muscles feel weak, little aching in the joints. I think I have Clinton fatigue.

I think that to this point I have exercised an incredible amount of restraint in refraining from intensive criticism of Senator Clinton in an attempt to retain some semblance of fairness in my coverage of this primary. No more of that. The senator has made it completely impossible to maintain balance. While it may be true that there are at least two sides to every story, not all stories are created equal. And while some stories may well be worth reading and discussing, others deserve to be scorned, mocked and exposed for the absolute drivel they are. See below.

In a last ditch attempt to salvage a lost campaign, Hillary Clinton sent a letter to members of the Democratic National Committee and remaining uncommitted superdelegates, imploring them to give her the party’s nomination despite the fact that she currently trails Senator Obama in the delegate count, with no chance of overtaking him prior to the end of the primary campaign. She believes that after the final three primaries she will have the majority of popular votes (if Florida and Michigan are counted as is - which they should not/will not be) and pledged delegates from states holding primaries, and on the strength of that she feels she should be rewarded with the nomination. Of course, Senator Obama will still maintain a lead in pledged delegates (the only measure of victory in this campaign), but that’s of no concern to Clinton. She would like superdelegates to disregard the results of states which held caucuses because she believes the caucus process “disenfranchises” too many voters.

Maybe Senator Clinton inhaled too much of whatever President Clinton didn’t. Some states use caucuses to select delegates, some use primaries. Everybody knows this - it’s been this way for quite some time. Clinton never voiced any objection to the caucus process - until she lost them. Then, in the same breath in which she fights to include the results of illegitimate elections in Michigan and Florida (which she initially agreed were illegitimate), she discounts entire states because she didn’t work hard enough to win them. There was no obstacle to Clinton opening up massive grassroots operations in caucus states and turning out enough voters to win those contests. She simply chose not to do it, and then whine about it later. She didn’t lose the contest, no, the contest must have been illegitimate. Where does it end?

While the rest of the Democratic Party has been trying to play by the rules, Senator Clinton and her supporters have been playing a game of Calvin-ball. When this process began in January, every candidate, by their entry into the process, agreed to function by the same set of rules. Rules known and understood by everyone. Senator Clinton was more than happy to play by those rules - until she discovered she was losing. Then, the rules didn’t matter anymore. In fact, the rules were whatever she said they always had been. Prior to (the initial) Super Tuesday, the pledged delegate count was the only measure of victory. Following Super Tuesday, the popular vote count needed to be taken into account. After Obama ripped off eleven victories in a row, and overtook Clinton in the popular vote count, that was no longer as important as the ability of the superdelegates not to follow the will of the voters in their districts. Once her superdelegate lead began to evaporate, the inclusion of votes from Michigan and Florida became imperative. Never mind that Clinton is on record admitting prior to the Michigan primary that she knew it would count for nothing. Never mind the fact that even though Michigan voters physically could not vote for anyone but Clinton, 41 percent of them showed up to vote against her. Once she needed Michigan and Florida to close the gap with her rival, every vote had to count, regardless of how meaningless, how fraudulent, how racist it may be.

Hillary Clinton is desperate. For her, this is no longer about being elected president. This is about winning - whatever the cost. She is well aware that she is doing irreparable damage to Barack Obama’s impending presidential campaign. She simply doesn’t care. She has waited 20 plus years, put up with all of Bill Clinton’s affairs, burned six years in the senate representing a state she has no connection to, all leading up to the moment when she would receive the Democratic Party nomination for President of the United States. All of a sudden, some skinny no name Hawaiian kid from the South Side of Chicago bursts onto the scene, captures the imagination of the nation and snatches the prize from under her nose. She is convinced the electorate is making a grave mistake - that when it comes down to the wire in November and Americans step into that voting booth, they will not vote for the black guy, and she deserves the to be president. She’s angry and she’s hurt. And she has decided that if she cannot be president, she will ensure that Obama will not be either. Whether it involves invoking the assassination of Robert Kennedy to justify remaining in the race, to raising the specter of rigged Zimbabwean elections to frighten the DNC Rules Committee into giving her Michigan and Florida as is, she will go to any length to guarantee herself an “I told you so” moment this fall. New face, same old Clinton strategy. Get ready for four years of Bush lite.

Well, on to lighter things then.

Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan has written a book claiming that President Bush “manipulated sources of information” with a “sophisticated propaganda campaign” to deceive the American public into supporting an unnecessary war. What? There’s gambling in this establishment? It would have been nice if McClellan had come forward with this information while it was still relevant, but I guess you can’t have your cake and eat it too, right? (That has got to be the dumbest saying ever culled from literature. Of course you want to have your cake and eat it too! What the hell else are you going to do with it? What’s the point of having cake if you aren’t going to eat it? Sigh.)

Last week Senator John McCain rejected the endorsements of to evangelical ministers, John Hagee and Rod Parsley (like the herb) who were caught on video saying some fairly offensive things - al la Jeremiah Wright. I feel the same way about this as I felt about Jeremiah Wright. Hagee and Parsley aren’t running for president, so I don’t really care what they think. I do find it interesting that at least in the case of Hagee, McCain solicited the very endorsement he now denounces in an attempt to curry favor with evangelical voters, many of whom are not thrilled with him as Republican Party nominee. Perhaps McCain could have benefitted from a little research into people he solicits endorsements from, save himself some embarrassment in the future.

A Texas appeals court ruled last Thursday that the state’s child welfare authorities should not have removed 460 children from an FLDS compound last month due to suspicions of child abuse. Oops. Curiously, they did not order child services to to return the children to their families either. I admit, I’m as confused as the child welfare department.

Oil prices hit a record in excess of $130 a barrel last week, driving the price of gasoline above $4 a gallon in many cities. In a related story, the hottest vehicle for sale on the internet classified site Craigslist is the Geo Metro. Perhaps you remember this automotive relic by it’s street name, Poor Man’s (Hyundai) Pony. Amazing what $4 fuel will do to a Hummer driver.

Some people just can’t get it right. In an eventually successful attempt to exterminate himself, a Japanese farmer ingested large amounts of chloropicrin. The problem was that during his temporary stay at the hospital he sickened 56 other people by vomiting toxic chlorine gas. People need to learn to leave other people out of their suicide attempts. Suicide plus one (or 56) is no longer suicide. Keep it simple.

Meeting for the first time in a Long Island nightclub, Lindsey Lohan’s father asked professional party girl and steamy home video star Kim Kardashian and her boyfriend (New Orleans Saints running back) Reggie Bush to look after Lindsey out in Los Angeles and keep a watchful eye on her. Isn’t that a little like putting Vice President Cheney in charge of gun safety at a duck hunter’s convention? Her father (rest his soul) must be so proud.

In the first of two extraterrestrial stories this week, what do you do when you really have to go, but you can’t? Ask the astronauts aboard the international space station. Apparently, the only toilet on the station is out of order. The space shuttle is scheduled to deliver replacement parts this weekend, but that leaves the astronauts with three or four days to practice what I like to call, “creative waste management.” My advice, lay off the fiber, wolf down the chocolate bars, and make sure you remember where you put the laxatives.

NASA’s Phoenix spacecraft touched down safely on Mars at 7:53 EST this past Sunday evening. I find this wholly uninteresting. Been there, done that. When we start landing people on Mars, then I'll make the effort to get excited. But I mention this story for the following reason. If you ever get a chance to watch one of these NASA evens live on television, do it. There is nothing funnier than nerd joy. Seriously, get a group of physicists together in a room, turn on an extraterrestrial robotic landing, break out the popcorn and let the good times roll.

Finally tonight, a 50-year-old Florida man hired a nude maid to clean his Tampa home this past Friday. But while she was there she apparently cleaned him out as well. According to the man, the maid arrived, shed her clothes, and went about her business cleaning the house. He then left her alone in the bedroom to clean. But when his wife returned from vacation, she discovered $40,000 in jewelry missing from said bedroom. I have one only one question for this guy. You went to all the trouble - not to mention the expense of forking out $100 an hour for a NUDE woman, to clean your house. Why the hell did you leave the room! Idiot.

Just Shoot Me

Haven’t been feeling well for the past few days. But, the news - and in some cases non-news - waits for no one. So we soldier on.

Next Tuesday marks the passing of the previously irrelevant North Carolina and Indiana Democratic primaries. Yes, here we go again. Current polling indicates a fairly big lead for Obama in “basketball (and tobacco) central,” and a statistical tie in the “crossroads of America.” For better of for worse, I happen to live at said crossroads. You know, the place people come to when they’re trying to get somewhere else. For the past several weeks we have been inundated with campaign commercials and paraphernalia from both candidates. On one hand, it’s interesting to be courted for one’s vote. But at this point in the process, is there anyone who truly does not know which candidate they support? I know that in every poll about ten percent of voters claim to be undecided, but I simply don’t believe them. They’ve had a year to decide. If they haven’t chosen by now they are simply incapable of making decisions. The truth is that people who claim to be undecided in the waning moments of an election simply enjoy the attention. Candidates don’t have time to waste with people who have their minds made up. Reporters and pollsters want to interview people on the fence to see what would influence their vote. Late undecided voters are attention junkies, and should be treated as such.

By the way, is there anything less environmentally friendly than an election campaign? I have what must have been at one time a little spruce forest littering my dining room table. There must be a more eco-friendly way to let people know that you want the job.

Reverend Jeremiah Wright is in the news again. Feeling he has been unfairly attacked in recent weeks, Wright offered a spirited defense of his sermons and political views at National Press Club and NAACP events in Washington, and in an interview with Bill Moyers for his PBS television program. The problem with Wright is that every time he pops up, Barack Obama takes a hit. One might assume that after Obama’s repeated expressions of denunciation of Wright’s words and tactics, additional statements from the retired minister wouldn’t garner this level of media attention. But that might be expecting too much. Jeremiah Wright is the quintessential angry black man. And America loves the spectacle of the angry black man. They love to catch one on video and replay it over and over again, pointing out how angry he sounds and wondering what makes him so angry. Then they find two not-so-angry black men, one to explain angry black man’s rage and the other to denounce it, and a non-black “expert” on whatever the subject is to explain to the country why the whole thing is or is not relevant. Then everyone goes about their business until the next angry black man shows up. the difference in this case is the the angry black man reared his head in the middle of a presidential primary campaign, and he refuses to go away. So, despite the fact that Wright has no political power and is of no particular consequence whatsoever, he remains in the news, contaminating a viable presidential candidate in the eyes of those who believe that every black man is an angry black man is disguise.

According to several news reports, at least half of the teenaged girls (ages 14-17) removed from the FLDS compound in Texas a few weeks ago either have been or are currently pregnant. I don’t know what to make of this story. Many strange things are done in the name of religion. But it seems that at some point, the state must step in to ensure its laws are not violated. Rastafarians are not allowed to roam the streets smoking marijuana because their religion believes smoking brings them closer to Jah. Members of the FLDS probably shouldn’t be allowed to disregard the law by engaging in plural marriage and impregnating minors. Call me crazy, but it just seems like bad policy.

This past friday, three New York City police officers were acquitted of any wrong-doing in the shooting death of an unarmed man on the morning of his wedding day. Sean Bell was wrapping up a night of celebration at a night club in Queens with several friends when he was killed in a hail of 50 bullets fired by five officers. This isn’t the first time an unarmed man has been killed by police in New York City. That sort of thing happens all the time. What bothers me is the ratio of shots fired to legal responsibility. One officer fired 31 shots. His gun only holds 17 bullets. That means that he first emptied his clip, then reloaded his weapon and nearly emptied it again. It seems as though somewhere in that time period, someone should have eased up on the trigger and assessed the situation. The officers may not be guilty of murder or manslaughter, but they are at least guilty of some measure of poor judgement.

Miley Cyrus made the news again this week. The teen star of Disney’s Hannah Montana is at the center of a “scandal” regarding a recent series of photos - one in particular taken by renowned celebrity photographer Annie Leibovitz. The shot in question features a bare-backed Cyrus in harsh lighting and gaudy make-up, covering her naughty bits with a sheet. Word of the photo leaked out last week and created an internet controversy when her 10-year-old fans and their mothers began to question the image Cyrus was attempting to put forth. Miley issued a statement saying she was “embarrassed” by the images and both her parents and the Disney Channel blame Leibovitz for manipulating a young girl in order to sell magazines. Leibovitz maintains that she discussed the pictures with the teen star, her parents and her handlers on set, showed them the digital image and believed everyone was okay with the shots. Fortunately, we no longer have to be confused. Here is what actually happened. Miley Cyrus is a 15-year-old girl. Every teenaged girl believes she is simply a short adult, and wants to look and feel older than she is. She wants to show everyone that she’s grown up and should be taken seriously. Leibovitz is known for taking sexy photographs of celebrities. When Cyrus saw the bare-backed photo she thought it made her look sexy and didn’t think more of it than that. But it’s very easy for a teen star to forget that the majority of her fans are much younger than she is, and the parents of those fans do not want their daughters growing up too soon. Cyrus underestimated the negative reaction of that constituency. But once she realized there was a problem threatening the empire she quickly issued a mea culpa and got her parents to blame it on someone else. The real weasel here is Disney and their fake outrage. For them to issue a statement condemning Leibovitz for “manipulating a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines” is ridiculous - bordering on offensive. Disney has mastered the art of exploiting teen girl in order to sell merchandise. Do the names Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan and Hilary & Haylie Duff ring a bell? In fact, Disney’s become so adept at turning teen girls into sex-pot cash machines that other media outlets, like Nickelodeon, took notice and began to replicate their success. If these pictures had been taken a year later they would have ended up on the cover of her new album. If Disney needs someone to accuse of manipulating teenagers for profit, they need look no further than the mirror.

Interstate Love Song

So I’m a little late this week. So what. It’s not like you were perched on the edge of your seats waiting with baited breath for my weekly words of wisdom. Were you? Seriously?

The latest polls seem to indicate that Senator Clinton’s lead over Senator Obama in Pennsylvania has shrunk to between 4 and 7 points from the 20+ points it had been earlier in the campaign. Pennsylvania seems to be following the trend of previous states in that the longer Obama campaigns in a state, the better he does. If the tend continues, Obama should pull to at least within the margin of error, then give up a couple points to Clinton the day or two before the election. Clinton needs to win every state she is expected to win in order to make her case to the super delegates to overturn the will of the electorate and hand her the nomination. But if Obama should take Pennsylvania, this race could be over.

Senator Clinton’s primary campaign strategist “resigned” this past week over an embarrassing situation regarding a free trade deal. Mark Penn and his public relations firm had been employed by the Columbian government to lobby congress on behalf of a proposed free trade deal with the United States. Unfortunately for Penn, a significant portion of Senator Clinton’s support - especially in states like Ohio and Pennsylvania - is due to her stated opposition to free trade deals. This whole scenario sounds vaguely familiar, doesn’t it? Wouldn’t it be better if we just lined up all the political candidates behind a one-way mirror and picked out the one we thought looked least like a crook? Giving them millions of dollars, a staff of hundreds and eighteen months to campaign, and expect them not to put their feet in their mouths is simply asking too much.

State police and the FBI raided the Texas compound of imprisoned FLDS leader Warren Jeffs last Thursday after receiving a local shelter received a phone call from a sixteen year-old girl claiming she had ben raped by her 50 year-old husband. Since that time, 555 women and children have either left or been removed from the ranch for questioning. Officials have so far been unable to locate the girl that made the phone call, but have placed the 416 children they did find under the protection of the state while they try to sort the matter out. I guess what I don’t understand is why this raid didn’t take place a long time ago. The FBI has known about this compound for years. They’ve been aware that underaged girls are married off to older men with multiple wives, both of which are illegal Texas. Yet up until now, nothing has been done. It seems as though law enforcement is still too scarred by the events of Waco, Ruby Ridge and Elian Gonzalez to confront anything of this nature head-on without something like a call from and alleged victim. At least they managed to get through this one without the ranch burning down, shooting anyone, or returning anyone to a communist country at gunpoint.

Oil company executives took the stand on Capitol Hill last week to face questioning regarding their record profits in the face of the country’s economic downturn. During the discussion, one or more of them made the remark that while their profits were large, they really were in line with the profits of many other companies. Reeeally. Companies like Bear-Stearns perhaps? Americans may be dumb enough to pay to $4.00 a gallon for gasoline, but they certainly aren’t stupid enough to buy that. For Exxon and others in their industry to claim that their profits are in line with those of other companies is akin to Ferrari claiming that their prices are in line with those of other compact car makers. Please. Show me another company making $40.6 billion a year in profits. Do these people even live on the same planet as the rest of us?

The Olympic torch arrived in San Francisco yesterday for its only North American stop. Even before it landed, the protests had started. Only days earlier In London and Paris, protesters had attacked torch bearers (including a teenaged girl) in an attempt to extinguish the Olympic flame. Pro-Tibet activists in Frisco scaled the Golden Gate Bridge with climbing equipment hidden in baby-carriages to hang banners protesting the presence of the flame in the city. Today, police changed the route the torch was to take through the city in order to avoid confrontations like those in Europe. The International Olympic Committee will soon vote on whether or not to cancel all the remaining international legs of the relay in light of the uproar. But doesn’t it seem as though this is something the IOC should have expected when they awarded the games to the Chinese eight years ago? Even though they are very adept at making money hand over fist in the capitalist marketplace, they remain a communist country, repressing individual rights and freedoms. It going to be that way at least until a new generation of leaders who care more about economic prominence than military dominance replace the old guard of the ruling party. How China handles these games will provide some indication as to where they are on the scale of progress.

American Airlines cancelled over a thousand flights today to perform FAA required inspections on some of the wiring on-board their MD-80 planes. This follows the cancellation of over five hundred flights yesterday and precedes who knows how many cancellations tomorrow. The demand for inspections is a bit of a CYA of behalf of the FAA after being caught allowing Southwest Airlines to slide on many of their inspections last year. All this chaos comes at a time when fares are increasing, on-time flights have declined dramatically, passenger complaint are up 40-60%, and a different airline goes bankrupt every week. If the next president wants a guaranteed winning issue, fix the air travel system in this country. Monkeys in pants could run a transportation system better than the airlines and the FAA.

There are reports that Michael Vick is playing pick-up football in prison. No word on whether he’s playing quarterback or tight end. Sorry. Couldn’t resist that one.

Finally, two items which may interest only me. The Stone Temple Pilots have launched a 65-date reunion tour which kicked off last night in Los Angeles. Let’s see how long it takes before Scott Weiland screws this tour up with a three day heroin binge. And, the NHL playoffs begin this week. Unfortunately, only three of the six Canadian teams survived the season, but three is at least three times better than zero. So here’s to Montreal, Ottawa or Calgary making the finals and not choking on the sweet taste of victory for the fourth straight season. Get that cup back where it belongs!