Finger-Licking Good

Well, it’s Monday night, and you know what that means. That’s right, my wife is recording How I Met Your Mother while she watches Dancing With the Stars. And you know what that means. That’s right. I’m as far away from the television as I can possibly get.

Short wrap-up this week. Not a lot of new stuff to talk about. Where’s Larry Craig when you need him?

I’m a little weary of national politics this week, so here’s the shorthand version of last week in government. People got angry, things were said, endorsements were made, sniping ensued, nothing was accomplished, blah blah blah, the end. We covered most of it last time anyway. But I would like to make the following observation. The Democratic Party has a serious problem. Every primary campaign generates its share of bad blood, but typically the nominee is decided fairly early and the wounds inflicted during the primary have several months to heal, and the party has time to reunite before the general election campaign gets into full swing. This campaign is different. In part because of the way the system is set up, the party has two powerful candidates – each with large constituencies – separated by only a hundred delegates, with a winner unlikely to be declared ahead of the convention in Denver in August. In an ideal world, a long campaign in which the candidates engage in civil discourse regarding their virtues and the issues at hand would provide voters with a wealth of accurate information from which to make their decision. But this is not an ideal world, the current discourse is anything but civil and the discussion has little to do with virtues and issues. And the longer this… quagmire… is allowed to continue, the more fractured and bitter the party becomes. If the campaigns of Clinton and Obama are allowed to continue beating the tar out of each other unrestrained for the next five months, they will be handing the election over to a Republican Party which, by most historical measures (unpopular war, unpopular president, slumping economy, etc…) has no business winning this election. McCain won’t even have to do any work. Each Democratic candidate will have done such a fine job convincing voters why they shouldn’t vote for their opponent, that all the Republicans will have to do is replay Democratic primary attack ads and campaign sound bites and order the balloons for their victory party. The party needs to come up with a solution, and they need to do it quickly, before this gets completely out of control.

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has been indicted on 12 felony counts including perjury and obstruction of justice stemming from his under-oath denial of an alleged affair with his now-former Chief of Staff. Despite text messages seemingly confirming the affair and calls from the City Council for his resignation, Kilpatrick remains defiant, vowing to fight the charges and remain at his post for as long as it takes. Is there any doubt as to why the city of Detroit is such a mess?

Several years ago Kentucky Fried Chicken changed it’s name to KFC. It seems the word “fried” had fallen out of favor with the milkshake-swilling, French fry-stuffing, bacon double cheeseburger-guzzling, fast food-dependant public. Apparently the Colonel hoped that by abbreviating the company name, more health-conscious people might mistake assume the KFC stood for Kentucky Fitness Club and stop in for a light snack to go with their workout. It didn’t work. Go figure. But the Colonel will not be deterred. KFC announced this week that it would roll out a new product labeled “Kentucky Grilled Chicken,” in an attempt to provide a healthier alternative to its usual fare. At the risk of sounding… intelligent? Perhaps KFC needs to remember exactly who they are and why they became popular in the first place. Let Subway take care of the power-walkers and yoga-moms. You focus on making fried chicken.

Maxim magazine named actress Sarah Jessica Parker the “un-sexiest” star. Hmm. Can’t really argue with that.

I read a headline today I simply had to take issue with. A story on the CNN website lead with the statement, “Automotive Fuel Efficiency Suddenly Sexy.” Really? Sexy like Roseanne Barr! Has anyone ever actually seen a Prius? Anyone who finds a Toyota Prius sexy needs to have his or her head examined. I’m a thirty-one year old man; believe me, I know sexy when I see it. And fuel efficiency ain’t sexy. It may be a lot of other wonderful things, but it certainly isn’t sexy. Now I’m sure the author meant that fuel efficiency is the new black, or something lame like that. But one needs to be careful and precise when discussing matters of sexy. It’s not a subject to be taken lightly.

Finally, Zach Dunlap feels “pretty good” for a dead guy. Mr. Dunlap was declared brain dead and was about to have his organs harvested for transplant when his mother noticed him moving his hands and feet. Although body-imaging scans showed no brain activity and no blood flow, Zach Dunlap was alive, and once doctors realized this, they were able to revive him. He’s doing fine now – aside from some degree of memory loss. Let that be a lesson to everyone. Before you die, make sure you draft a will. And in your will, make sure you demand at least two – if not three or four – different sources confirm that you are indeed COMPLETELY dead, and not just MOSTLY dead. You can return from being mostly dead – if you’re lucky. And if you do escape the bright white light, you’re going to need all your organs intact and not be buried under six feet of dirt. Be certain of your deadness before you surrender anything you might need in order to live.