Save the Whales

Billy Crystal signed a one-day contract with the New York Yankees to play in a grapefruit league game against the Pittsburgh Pirates on Thursday afternoon. Some baseball pundits claim this makes the Yankees look foolish. Apparently they missed the entire steroids era. How long do we have to wait for football to start again?

Just when I thought I would have to roll into the weekly wrap-up utter devoid of actually news, along comes New York Governor Eliot Spitzer to pull the proverbial cookies out of the fire. That’s right, you are enjoying this week’s recap courtesy of Governor Spitzer, now with more straight sex. The former state attorney general found himself the target of a federal prostitution investigation. According to the FBI affidavit, “Client-9” (later identified as Spitzer) arranged to meet and employ the “services” of an escort named “Kristen” during a visit to Washington DC at the rate of $4,500 to $5,000 an hour. It has since come to light that over the course of the past six to ten years, the governor may have spent as much as $80,000 in pursuit of extra-curricular activities. There is no shortage of irony in that revelation. During his tenure as attorney general Spitzer terrorized the rich and powerful of Wall Street, felling them by whatever means necessary – including indicting suspects for mail fraud, insider trading and, yes, prostitution. What is it with powerful people? Where does that level of arrogance come from? What breeds that feeling of invincibility – that they can get away with acts for which they would destroy other people? What makes Spitzer’s “indiscretion” (if one can legitimately call a six-year, $80,000 prostitution habit an indiscretion), so egregious is that this guy made a living prosecuting people for engaging in the very same behavior he indulged in. Oh, and that prostitution is illegal in the state of New York. You can argue as to whether or not the exchange of sex for money should be against the law, but the fact is that it is, and as attorney general and later governor, Spitzer was well aware of that fact. The chief law enforcement officer of the state cannot be allowed to remain at his post after admittedly breaking the laws of his own state. If he wanted to pay for the company of ladies not his wife, he should have gone to Nevada. And so ends the political career of Eliot Spitzer. He discovered what so many powerful men before him have come to understand. If you live by the hos, you will die by the hos.

Fresh off a record-setting $55 million fundraising February, his delegate victory in Texas last Tuesday, and a win in the Wyoming caucuses on Saturday, it appears as though Barack Obama has also come up big in Mississippi, taking the last state primary before Pennsylvania votes on April 22. That’s six weeks of dead air, which the Democratic candidates will no doubt fill with meaningless personal jabs and gibberish until my head shrivels up and disappears into my neck. When will this be over? The Democratic Party must realize that after six more weeks of the candidates beating each other into the ground only makes McCain’s job that much easier. There must be some way to resolve thing before it reaches the convention in Denver this summer still without a nominee. I know he’s 71 years old, but a fresh and rested McCain will be a formidable foe for whoever emerges battered and bruised from this clash of the titans.

In the past ten days, Barack Obama has begun to understand exactly what it means to challenge a Clinton for public office. Clinton is in this race to win it, and she doesn’t care what she has to do to accomplish that goal. Whether it’s complaining about the coverage, perpetuating false rumors, or attempting to undermine his candidacy by suggesting he’d make a great second fiddle, but shouldn’t be seriously considered for anything more than that, she’s pulling out all the stops. Thus far Obama has managed to remain largely free of the mud slinging and name-calling typically prevalent in political campaigns. We’ll see if he can continue to do so under increasing fire from a seasoned political opponent.

Admiral William Fallon, now former chief of U.S. forces in the Middle East and Central Asia, has resigned. The admiral cited an “inaccurate perception” that he was at odds with the administration over a course of action in dealing with Iran as his reason for stepping down. The inaccurate perception may have resulted from the fact that on several occasions Fallon has made statements indicating a disinteresting in military action against Iraq’s western neighbor. I’ll leave it up to others wiser than me to decide how much of Admiral Fallon’s resignation came willingly and how much was “encouraged”, but it seems to fit a pattern of consequences for military commanders who for whatever reason fail to adhere to the administration script regarding the wars and foreign policy. President Bush prides himself on listening to his “commanders on the ground” and heeding their advice regarding what military actions to take. I guess that’s a little easier once he’s rid himself of anyone who doesn’t share his opinion.

Early last week, Boeing discovered they had lost a long-sought $35 billion Air Force mid-air tanker refueling contract to the partnership of Northrop-Grumman and EADS – parent company of it’s chief rival Airbus. Late last week, some members of Congress – primarily those members from states where Boeing factories are located, could be heard roaming the halls of the Capitol screaming bloody murder about the “blatant unfairness” of the bidding process, and the “un-American-ness” of awarding a defense contract to a partnership of which one member is European. Early this week, Boeing decided to fight it’s own battles and whined to the GAO, asking them to investigate the process through which the contract was awarded. In case the sarcasm isn’t coming through, Boeing’s argument is about as disingenuous as those of the Michigan and Florida Democratic Parties. I work in the field of architecture, which has allowed me a little insight into the federal bidding process. Government contracts are set up to do one thing and one thing only: get a decent product at the lowest possible price. Period. Because as much money as the government has, they never seem to have enough money to cover what they want to do. Having been the recipient of tens – if not hundreds, maybe thousands of government contracts, Boeing certainly understands this at least as well – if not better than I do. Yet, for some reason, the still lost the bidding war. Why? Simple. The Northrop Grumman/EADS alliance provided the Air Force with a good plane at a much better price. Boeing took the contract process for granted. They figured there was no possible way a branch of the U.S. government would award a defense contract to a partially foreign partnership in the middle of an economic downturn. So they tried to make a little extra money off the deal and got burned in the process. Better luck next time.

I hate daylight savings time. It’s pointless and stupid. As a matter of fact, I think so little of it; I’m not going to capitalize it once in this paragraph. This past week a study was released which concluded that the primary justification for daylight savings time – significant energy savings – is completely unfounded. In this modern age, where people get to work early and stay late, live in sprawling houses with more televisions than toilets and think nothing of spending three hours in traffic burning three dollar a gallon gasoline, the energy savings we net from moving our clocks an hour ahead for eight months out of the year are negligible – if anything at all. Seriously. If daylight savings time is so fantastic, let’s set the clocks two hours ahead and leave it that way all year long. My preference would be to remain on standard time year round, you know, like the rest of the solar system does. But for crying out loud, just pick a system and go with it, and quit screwing-around with the clock.

Another study discovered that drinking water in most of the nations major urban areas is contaminated with pharmaceuticals. Does this mean I can dial back my prescription drug plan?

An Orlando mother was caught on security camera video power-washing her 2 1/2 year-old daughter at a car wash. According to the mother, the child was throwing a tantrum and spraying the toddler in the face and legs with the pressurized stream from the hose was merely an effective method of discipline. She also claims she did not have the hose on full blast. No word on whether she had selected the foaming wash, clean rinse or hot wax discipline.

In another story of motherly madness, a Texas woman threw her two struggling young children from a freeway overpass during rush hour traffic before leaping off herself. All three landed on the concrete in the far left lane of westbound Interstate 30 – and survived. I don’t mean to be insensitive, but these children are more than fortunate that their mother is a complete and utter failure.

Finally, in the feel-good story of the week, a local New Zealand dolphin rescued two pygmy sperm whales stranded on a beach northeast of Wellington on Wednesday. Moko – that’s the name of the bottlenose dolphin – typically spends most of it’s time swimming with humans at the beach. But, after watching rescuers work for over an hour to get the mother and calf back into the water, only to have them strand themselves four times on a sandbar, Moko pushed between the rescuers and the whales and somehow led them through the channel and back out to open water. Once the whales were returned to the ocean, Moko returned to the beach to continue playing with the swimmers. Weird, huh. Moko didn’t even bother to ask why the whale was a single mother, or why they were incapable of reading the map and following directions, or even if they were in those waters illegally. That dolphin would never make it in America.