Pipe Dreams

It’s finally Friday. I’m sorry, do we really need to have so many days between Monday and Friday? Raise your hand if you want three day work weeks with an afternoon siesta?

Last week’s round-up was a little short, mostly because the world is incredibly boring. But I am anything but boring - sometimes. So I offer up this supplement for your amusement.

General David Patreaus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker gave their semi-annual report on the Iraq war to Congress. The verdict? Progress is being made. Surprise! They fooled you, didn’t they. You thought they were going to say that so much progress has been made, they were packing up and rolling home, didn’t you. Silly rabbit. As long as progress is being made, this administration will not withdraw from Iraq. And make no mistake about it, as long as this administration is in office, progress is being made, regardless of whether progress really is being made or not.

While we’re on the subject, I’m sick of progress. Seriously. I’m bordering on physically ill. If I hear one more person mention the word progress I will collapse into convulsions, foaming at the mouth. As a matter of fact, I’m so sick of progress, I’m placing a moratorium on progress. From this moment on, I will no longer use the word p______s until it ceases to become a synonym for “screw you, we do whatever the hell we want.” Or until I forget what I just wrote. Whichever comes first.

President - and sore loser - Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe has ordered run-off elections to determine the winner of last month’s presidential elections. This despite the fact that the country’s election commission still refuses to release the results of the election to the public. Anybody else find that odd? Why would you hold a run-off election if you don’t know whether or not you won? And there is the rub. Mugabe lost his election, and he knows it. But he loves his 600,000% inflation rate so much he refuses to leave office and instead will insist on dragging out the process, beating his opposition to death and declaring victory by default. Consider this. How awful of a president to you have to be to lose an election you rigged to benefit yourself?

To the absolute surprise of NO ONE outside of the network, CBS cancelled it’s newest stomach-churning reality experience “Hidden Talents of the Stars” after two-thirds of an episode. For some reason it seems viewers weren’t all that interested in watching ensign Sulu sing Willie Nelson or Clint Black do his impression of David Letterman. Who knew? Anybody seen A Clockwork Orange? Remember the scene where they sit they strap Malcolm McDowell’s character to the chair, prop his eyes open with the metal pincers and force him to watch all the disturbing images in an attempt to cure his sociopathy? Why can’t we superglue all the network executives to a park bench in the Yellowknife in the middle of January, prop their eyes open with toothpicks and force them to watch every single minute of the mindless drivel they attempt to inflict on the public every day. Maybe then we won’t have to suffer through Lipstick Jungle and Big Brother 37.

Speaking of mindless drivel, there is another controversy brewing over political campaign finance reform. Republican Senator John McCain, co-author of the McCain-Feingold bill - seems to be having trouble raising money for his presidential campaign. The two remaining Democratic candidates have raised a total of over $500 million dollars to date, whereas McCain has managed to score little over $50 million - about 10% of their total. Republicans - who used to feel they had an advantage over Democrats in the fund-raising arena prior to the implementation of new campaign finance rules - have never quite forgiven McCain for drying up their funding and seem to be reluctant to contribute money. But, they also remember how effective the “Swift Boat” ads were at helping sink John Kerry’s bid for the presidency four years ago. So, several groups have filed lawsuits to overturn the limits on political contributions by individuals to both “non-profits” and to the candidates themselves. Now, while I am in favor of complete public funding of presidential elections, I’m not entirely opposed to this idea either. The Supreme Court has ruled on multiple occasions that political contributions are protected by the First Amendment as money equals speech. And like my First Amendment right as much - maybe more - than the next guy. And let’s face it. Regardless of what we do, “special interest” money - however you choose to define that term - always gets into politics and gums up the works. So instead of trying to limit contributions, let’s completely eliminate the restrictions. Allow any individual to contribute whatever amount he or she desires to the candidate of his or her choice. On two conditions. First, the contributor must be a human being. No more corporate donations, no more union donations, no more donations from anything that is not a living breathing human being. And second, full disclosure. Every dollar contributed must be accounted for and publicly accessible. When someone makes a donation, his or her name goes up on a campaign finance section of the candidate’s website, along with the amount they have contributed. With this system, anyone could find out exactly who donated to whom and how much. No more hiding behind organizations like People For the American Way, or America Coming Together or Middle-aged Bisexuals for Tea and Crumpets on Tuesdays. The Constitution guarantees individuals the right to freedom of speech, not anonymity. If you feel strongly enough to say what you want, you shouldn’t have to hide behind some faceless entity to say it.

About 2,784 years ago a bunch of Greeks got together and said, “Hey, you know what would be really cool? We should all get together, get naked, and compete against each other in some sports!” And thus the Olympics were born. Now, 2,784 years - and a gazillion dollars later, I would humbly suggest we return to the original idea. If nothing else we could increase viewership. There is a second controversy brewing ahead of this summer’s Beijing games. It surrounds a new swimsuit developed by Speedo that reportedly increases a swimmer’s speed by about 2%. These aren’t figments of the marketing department’s imagination. Since February, 23 swimming world records have been broken, 22 of them by swimmers wearing the new suit. There are some people - mostly those sponsored, employed by or invested in Speedo - who view this breakthrough suit as the greatest thing to happen to the sport since the invention of the heated pool. These people are idiots. I don’t know if anyone remembers this, but the Olympic games are actually about fair competition between human beings. When said human beings ingest or inject synthetic (or in some cases natural) substances to enhance their performance, we call that that cheating. Yet when these same human beings encapsulate themselves in synthetic substances to enhance their performance, we call that progr..., um... advancement. I don’t see the difference. Both techniques provide certain competitors with a distinct advantage over the others. True, anyone can purchase the new swimsuit if they are willing to shell out $600. But, anyone could inject themselves with anabolic steroids as well. Both methods produce the same result. The new swimsuit amounts to little more than a technological steroid. Competition should be between the athletes, not their sponsors. I’m fully aware that there is too much money invested in the modern Olympic machine to emphasize the athletics over the commercialism. But wouldn’t it be nice to hold a competition for the purpose of showcasing the sport instead of the sponsorships? Let’s hear it for athletic men and women running, jumping, flipping and swimming in the nude!

Finally, a suburb of San Francisco has petitioned to rename its sewage treatment plant the George W. Bush Sewage Treatment Plant. If they were looking for a story that would write its own jokes, mission accomplished. Tee hee hee.