Save the Whales

Billy Crystal signed a one-day contract with the New York Yankees to play in a grapefruit league game against the Pittsburgh Pirates on Thursday afternoon. Some baseball pundits claim this makes the Yankees look foolish. Apparently they missed the entire steroids era. How long do we have to wait for football to start again?

Just when I thought I would have to roll into the weekly wrap-up utter devoid of actually news, along comes New York Governor Eliot Spitzer to pull the proverbial cookies out of the fire. That’s right, you are enjoying this week’s recap courtesy of Governor Spitzer, now with more straight sex. The former state attorney general found himself the target of a federal prostitution investigation. According to the FBI affidavit, “Client-9” (later identified as Spitzer) arranged to meet and employ the “services” of an escort named “Kristen” during a visit to Washington DC at the rate of $4,500 to $5,000 an hour. It has since come to light that over the course of the past six to ten years, the governor may have spent as much as $80,000 in pursuit of extra-curricular activities. There is no shortage of irony in that revelation. During his tenure as attorney general Spitzer terrorized the rich and powerful of Wall Street, felling them by whatever means necessary – including indicting suspects for mail fraud, insider trading and, yes, prostitution. What is it with powerful people? Where does that level of arrogance come from? What breeds that feeling of invincibility – that they can get away with acts for which they would destroy other people? What makes Spitzer’s “indiscretion” (if one can legitimately call a six-year, $80,000 prostitution habit an indiscretion), so egregious is that this guy made a living prosecuting people for engaging in the very same behavior he indulged in. Oh, and that prostitution is illegal in the state of New York. You can argue as to whether or not the exchange of sex for money should be against the law, but the fact is that it is, and as attorney general and later governor, Spitzer was well aware of that fact. The chief law enforcement officer of the state cannot be allowed to remain at his post after admittedly breaking the laws of his own state. If he wanted to pay for the company of ladies not his wife, he should have gone to Nevada. And so ends the political career of Eliot Spitzer. He discovered what so many powerful men before him have come to understand. If you live by the hos, you will die by the hos.

Fresh off a record-setting $55 million fundraising February, his delegate victory in Texas last Tuesday, and a win in the Wyoming caucuses on Saturday, it appears as though Barack Obama has also come up big in Mississippi, taking the last state primary before Pennsylvania votes on April 22. That’s six weeks of dead air, which the Democratic candidates will no doubt fill with meaningless personal jabs and gibberish until my head shrivels up and disappears into my neck. When will this be over? The Democratic Party must realize that after six more weeks of the candidates beating each other into the ground only makes McCain’s job that much easier. There must be some way to resolve thing before it reaches the convention in Denver this summer still without a nominee. I know he’s 71 years old, but a fresh and rested McCain will be a formidable foe for whoever emerges battered and bruised from this clash of the titans.

In the past ten days, Barack Obama has begun to understand exactly what it means to challenge a Clinton for public office. Clinton is in this race to win it, and she doesn’t care what she has to do to accomplish that goal. Whether it’s complaining about the coverage, perpetuating false rumors, or attempting to undermine his candidacy by suggesting he’d make a great second fiddle, but shouldn’t be seriously considered for anything more than that, she’s pulling out all the stops. Thus far Obama has managed to remain largely free of the mud slinging and name-calling typically prevalent in political campaigns. We’ll see if he can continue to do so under increasing fire from a seasoned political opponent.

Admiral William Fallon, now former chief of U.S. forces in the Middle East and Central Asia, has resigned. The admiral cited an “inaccurate perception” that he was at odds with the administration over a course of action in dealing with Iran as his reason for stepping down. The inaccurate perception may have resulted from the fact that on several occasions Fallon has made statements indicating a disinteresting in military action against Iraq’s western neighbor. I’ll leave it up to others wiser than me to decide how much of Admiral Fallon’s resignation came willingly and how much was “encouraged”, but it seems to fit a pattern of consequences for military commanders who for whatever reason fail to adhere to the administration script regarding the wars and foreign policy. President Bush prides himself on listening to his “commanders on the ground” and heeding their advice regarding what military actions to take. I guess that’s a little easier once he’s rid himself of anyone who doesn’t share his opinion.

Early last week, Boeing discovered they had lost a long-sought $35 billion Air Force mid-air tanker refueling contract to the partnership of Northrop-Grumman and EADS – parent company of it’s chief rival Airbus. Late last week, some members of Congress – primarily those members from states where Boeing factories are located, could be heard roaming the halls of the Capitol screaming bloody murder about the “blatant unfairness” of the bidding process, and the “un-American-ness” of awarding a defense contract to a partnership of which one member is European. Early this week, Boeing decided to fight it’s own battles and whined to the GAO, asking them to investigate the process through which the contract was awarded. In case the sarcasm isn’t coming through, Boeing’s argument is about as disingenuous as those of the Michigan and Florida Democratic Parties. I work in the field of architecture, which has allowed me a little insight into the federal bidding process. Government contracts are set up to do one thing and one thing only: get a decent product at the lowest possible price. Period. Because as much money as the government has, they never seem to have enough money to cover what they want to do. Having been the recipient of tens – if not hundreds, maybe thousands of government contracts, Boeing certainly understands this at least as well – if not better than I do. Yet, for some reason, the still lost the bidding war. Why? Simple. The Northrop Grumman/EADS alliance provided the Air Force with a good plane at a much better price. Boeing took the contract process for granted. They figured there was no possible way a branch of the U.S. government would award a defense contract to a partially foreign partnership in the middle of an economic downturn. So they tried to make a little extra money off the deal and got burned in the process. Better luck next time.

I hate daylight savings time. It’s pointless and stupid. As a matter of fact, I think so little of it; I’m not going to capitalize it once in this paragraph. This past week a study was released which concluded that the primary justification for daylight savings time – significant energy savings – is completely unfounded. In this modern age, where people get to work early and stay late, live in sprawling houses with more televisions than toilets and think nothing of spending three hours in traffic burning three dollar a gallon gasoline, the energy savings we net from moving our clocks an hour ahead for eight months out of the year are negligible – if anything at all. Seriously. If daylight savings time is so fantastic, let’s set the clocks two hours ahead and leave it that way all year long. My preference would be to remain on standard time year round, you know, like the rest of the solar system does. But for crying out loud, just pick a system and go with it, and quit screwing-around with the clock.

Another study discovered that drinking water in most of the nations major urban areas is contaminated with pharmaceuticals. Does this mean I can dial back my prescription drug plan?

An Orlando mother was caught on security camera video power-washing her 2 1/2 year-old daughter at a car wash. According to the mother, the child was throwing a tantrum and spraying the toddler in the face and legs with the pressurized stream from the hose was merely an effective method of discipline. She also claims she did not have the hose on full blast. No word on whether she had selected the foaming wash, clean rinse or hot wax discipline.

In another story of motherly madness, a Texas woman threw her two struggling young children from a freeway overpass during rush hour traffic before leaping off herself. All three landed on the concrete in the far left lane of westbound Interstate 30 – and survived. I don’t mean to be insensitive, but these children are more than fortunate that their mother is a complete and utter failure.

Finally, in the feel-good story of the week, a local New Zealand dolphin rescued two pygmy sperm whales stranded on a beach northeast of Wellington on Wednesday. Moko – that’s the name of the bottlenose dolphin – typically spends most of it’s time swimming with humans at the beach. But, after watching rescuers work for over an hour to get the mother and calf back into the water, only to have them strand themselves four times on a sandbar, Moko pushed between the rescuers and the whales and somehow led them through the channel and back out to open water. Once the whales were returned to the ocean, Moko returned to the beach to continue playing with the swimmers. Weird, huh. Moko didn’t even bother to ask why the whale was a single mother, or why they were incapable of reading the map and following directions, or even if they were in those waters illegally. That dolphin would never make it in America.

Premium Blend

Sometimes there’s just too much stuff to fit into the weekend wrap-up. Other times, I just fall asleep before I get through everything. One of those two things occurred yesterday. I suppose it doesn’t really matter which.

Fidel Castro has left the building. Officially. He actually left the building about a year-and-a-half ago due to an acute intestinal illness. But his letter of resignation published in the online version Cuban Communist Party newspaper early this morning made it official. It signals a fairly subdued end to the political career of one of the most significant revolutionaries of the twentieth century. While he may not have transformed his island into a dominating superpower like Lenin or Stalin, but he has survived multiple assassination attempts (including one via exploding cigar) and has managed to remain a telephone pole-sized thorn in the side of the United States for the past fifty years. Unfortunately for the Cuban people, the revolution was unable to transform Cuba into the communist worker’s paradise Castro promised. But Fidel has – to this point – managed to maintain a communist outpost right in the backyard of the most powerful capitalist nation on the face of the earth. Age seems to have accomplished what the CIA could not, and Castro has finally decided to step down, leaving the reigns of power in the hands of his brother Raul. And while there is talk of Raul being open to some degree of economic reform, no one expects any immediate changes. One thing is certain. For the first time in fifty years, an American administration will not have Fidel Castro to kick around any more.

Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf suffered a resounding defeat at the polls on Monday as his party was routed by those headed by former exiles Nawaz Sharif and Benazir Bhutto (who was assassinated about a month ago). Musharraf remains as president for the moment, but will soon find himself addressing a parliament comprised mostly of former political enemies. The results this election would seem to herald the end of nine years of the general’s military rule. What this means in the grand scheme of geo-politics is as yet unknown. The Bush Administration has clung to Musharraf for the past seven years, claiming an alliance with the military dictator offered the United States the best defense against Pakistani-based terrorist groups. With the military dictatorship in shambles, it appears as though there will be opportunity to test that theory.

This coming Thursday, the U.S. Navy is expected to attempt to shoot down an aging spy satellite as it falls out of orbit. Originally, the plan had been to simply let its orbit degrade until it fell harmlessly to earth. But late last week the Pentagon decided that, due to the risk of some of the toxic fuel onboard the satellite landing in a populated area, they would attempt to destroy and render the instrument harmless before it hit the ground. It’s a nice story. I find it a little difficult to believe the Navy would spend billions to fire a missile to destroy a piece of space junk on the miniscule chance someone might inhale a whiff of toxic vapor. After all, this is a spy satellite. There is probably some equipment on board that the government would rather keep away from curious hands.

Late last week the House Oversight Committee held nationally televised hearings on the use of steroids in Major League Baseball. Prior to the hearing, we all knew that the Mitchell Report named dozens of professional baseball players as having taken some form of performance-enhancing drugs – including future hall-of-fame pitcher Roger Clemens. Clemens’s trainer, one Brian McNamee, claimed he injected the pitcher with Human Growth Hormone on several occasions. Clemens claimed McNamee was a big fat liar, throwing people under the bus to try to save his own skin. After the shouting, finger-pointing, denials and grandstanding for the cameras, we know exactly NOTHING more than we did before, making these hearings the biggest steaming stinking pile of CRAP ever dumped upon daytime television viewers! What an absolute waste of time! One might think that in the midst of an economic downturn, a two-front foreign war, and a pivotal election campaign, Congress might have something better to do than make fools of themselves with baseball players. However, anyone foolish enough to think that would be wrong! After the farce was over, committee Chairman Henry Waxman (read Head Idiot) claimed he regretted the hearings had degenerated into partisan bickering and wished he had never held them, citing attempts to cancel them the day before. He only went through with it, he said, because Clemens lawyers insisted he be given the forum to clear his name. I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware individuals could dictate the agenda of the United States House of Representatives. Somebody get me a train ticket to Washington, I want a televised audience with Henry Waxman! Look, here’s the deal with steroids in baseball. They did it and they knew it and nobody cared. The players took performance-enhancing drugs, the league knew players were taking performance-enhancing drugs and they looked the other way. Why? Because it was good for business. Pitchers Tom Glavine and Greg Maddox said it best in a television commercial several years ago: chicks dig the long ball. Everyone loves a home run. Home runs put butts in the seats, which in turn puts dollars in pockets. If Major League Baseball had wanted to clean up the sport they could have. Each of the other three major sports leagues in this country developed some kind of drug policy including both testing and a system of repercussions for violators of the policy. (Ask Ricky Williams how well the NFL's drug-testing policy works.) But Baseball was making too much money from the Sosa-McGuire home run chase to jeopardize it by testing them for steroids. So they turned a blind eye and let it continue growing into the Hydra it is today. Baseball – the players, the union and the league - has no one to blame for the putrid pile of doo doo they are in but themselves.

Note to everyone who rushed out to purchase a Toshiba HD DVD player this past Christmas; HA HA! Suckers. Some people never learn. For those of you who haven’t heard, the high-definition DVD format wars are over. HD DVD lost, Blu-Ray won. The last straw came last week when Warner Bros. decided they would no longer release their hi-def titles in HD DVD format, and Netflix, Best Buy and Wal-Mart decided to stock only Blu-Ray titles. Still sore from losing the VHS vs. Betamax wars of the 80s despite having a superior product, Blu-Ray creator Sony Corp. was not about to be defeated again, and lobbied hard to push their product on consumers. Even though boasting simpler manufacturing technology and the backing of software behemoth Microsoft, HD DVD was simply unable to gain any traction with movie studios and retailers. However, Sony may have won a hollow victory. The explosion of broadband internet connections, the replacement of old copper cables with fiber optics and ever expanding hard drive space are allowing consumers to directly download high-definition content from both legal and illegal sources, more or less rendering the physical DVD rental a thing of the past. So, if you are an avid DVD collector, head out and round out your movie collection with Blu-Ray discs at about $35 a pop. But if you’re just a casual movie renter like me, you may want to consider skipping the format war altogether.

Oil closed at $100.01 a barrel today. Did you hear that? That was the sound of the soul of America being sold to Saudi Arabia. Get used to it.

I was going to let this story go, but I just can’t. It’s too stupid to ignore. Boutique coffee shops are springing up all over the country. Offering up exotic brews from all over the world blended in machines costing more than a mid-size family car, these coffee bars routinely charge upwards of $20 a cup. One boutique is charging $65 dollars a cup for a special blend made from the feces of an animal that consumes the special coffee beans. And people are buying this stuff! They’re budgeting for it. Going without things, like food and clothing, in order to savor a $65 cup of poop. I don’t typically like to evaluate anyone without meeting him or her first, but anyone who would pay that kind of money for filtered animal dung is a complete moron. Complete. Moron.

I came across a statistic this week I found amusing. By the year 2050, the population of the United States will have increased to 430 million, an increase of 127 million over the current population. I’m sorry, but somebody’s going to have to live in Montana.

This just in. Barack Obama has defeated Hillary Clinton in Tuesday’s Wisconsin primary by 17 points, capping his ninth straight primary election victory. Results are not yet in from Hawaii. The next significant Democratic contest will be semi-super Tuesday, March 4, when Texas and Ohio will cast their ballots. Senator Clinton once enjoyed huge leads in those states. Those leads have all but evaporated. On the Republican ticket, John McCain has taken both Wisconsin and Washington, surprising no one. Wake me up when this Republican race is over so I can start paying attention again.

Finally, a word about patriotism. I don’t think any word has ever been misused and abused the way this one has. It’s used as a conversation ender; a way to shut down anyone with whom there is a political disagreement. It’s used as a way to whip a crowd into a frenzy, to make us cheer for the good guys, to excuse what would under normal circumstances be considered inexcusable. It tends to manifest itself as blind, unadulterated love for the flag, and for the country for which it represents. It’s battle cry can often be heard as “Love it or get the hell out,” sometimes with a “you commie bastard” thrown in for good measure. And it is capable of transforming the most benign circumstance into a spectacle of the bizarre. That news anchor isn’t wearing an American flag lapel pin; he must hate America. Her car doesn’t have an “I support the troops” bumper sticker; she must not support the troops. You are not in favor of a Constitutional Amendment banning gay marriage; you are a lunatic secularist bent on destroying the Christian foundations of this nation with your socialist propaganda. What many self-proclaimed “patriots” continually fail to realize is that there is more to patriotism than waving the flag and reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. America is a fantastic idea. A place where all are created equal, and its’ citizens – either by the mere accident of birth or the privilege of acceptance - are entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. But America isn’t perfect. It never has been. And considering the way things are going it may never be. But the fact that something will not or cannot be perfected does not mean it should never be improved. And the only way to improve something is to first acknowledge that it is flawed. Pointing out a flaw does not make one unpatriotic. It makes one honest. Stating the fact that this country has serious issues with race and gender and class and so many other things does not negate the fact that we’ve come a long way from where we started in 1776. It simply means there is more work to do. Wanting to bring our soldiers home from wars on foreign soil does not mean people don’t respect the enormous sacrifice they’ve all made. It simply means people think our soldiers should live here, not die over there. Noticing that the actions of a single human being affect the quality of life of other human beings and the health of this tiny oasis in the cold dark void of space does not mean we want people put out of work and life reduced to the bare essentials. It simply means we think we can do better. America is more than earth and sea and sky. It is a work in progress. The foundations are pretty solid, but the building needs more work. And firing half the workers for pointing that out only slows down the job.