The Outlaw Jesse James

It was 90 degrees in Washington DC this afternoon. So I guess global warming is back on now, right?

Last week President Obama announced the administration would open some previously off-limits coastal areas to off-shore drilling. Predictably, conservatives denounced the increased drilling policy they once referred to as “drill baby drill” as wholly inadequate, while liberals threw a hissy fit at the prospect of another nine years worth of fossil fuels being extracted from a fragile environment. As usual, the truth is somewhere in between.

We are a vibrant nation, with an expanding population and a growing economy, and both of those things require vast amounts of energy. The simple fact is that we do not now, nor will in the near future have sufficient renewable fuel capacity to provide for our needs, or be able to conserve enough energy to prevent aggregate demand from rising. Until such time as those goals can become a reality, we are going to need both fossil and nuclear fuels to fill out our energy portfolio. Personally, I think it’s a little embarrassing that in the year 2010 we are still burning dinosaurs to power the most technologically advanced machinery ever created. Sunlight, wind and water for hydroelectricity are more than abundant on this continent and there is no excuse for this country not to lead the world in deriving energy from sources that cannot be exhausted, cannot be stolen, cannot be imported or exported or claimed as spoils of war. The Arizona desert should be littered with solar power plants, the prairies stocked with windmills - and hopefully we will get to that point sooner rather than later. But until then, it’s coal, gas and nuclear power. At least this president seems interested in using these tools as cleanly and responsibly as possible.

Shortly after announcing the new policy on off-shore drilling, President Obama released a new set of fuel economy standards. By 2016, auto manufacturers’ fleets will have to attain an average of 35.5 miles per gallon, 10 miles per gallon more than the current standard. This announcement lacked the traditional weeping and gnashing of teeth response of the automakers, so it managed to go largely unheralded, but this could be the most important change to the automotive industry since the seat belt mandate. Almost 20 years ago I learned to drive on a collection of vehicles that got, on average, similar or better gas mileage than the four cylinder 2009 Volkswagen we purchased last year. In a world rife with progress, automobile fuel economy has been nothing short of embarrassing.

In an interview with Newsweek Magazine over the weekend, Arizona Senator John McCain (remember him?) claimed that he has, “never thought of himself as a maverick.” Wow. That must be one tough primary race he’s facing. Throughout his entire political career McCain has made a living sticking his finger in the eye of expectations. His 2008 presidential campaign was based on the idea that he was the guy to buck the system, support things his party opposed (like a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants and cap and trade), the guy who had the chutzpa to select an unknown, unprepared and untested Alaskan governor as his running mate. But now that things like cooperation and pragmatism and serious ideas are no longer valued by the Republican base, McCain is going to ridiculous lengths to distance himself from... himself. What happened to the John McCain who on principle refused to leave a POW camp unless his fellow soldiers were allowed to leave with him? I think I liked him better.

Don’t look now, but Corey Booker, mayor of Newark, New Jersey, may indeed be the Batman. Now I know what you’re thinking. Can anything good come from New Jersey? Honestly, I don’t know, the jury’s still out. But the city did pass an important milestone as the calendar rolled over from March to April. For the first time since 1966, no one was murdered in the city of Newark during a single calendar month. While that may not impress anyone in Montana or New Mexico, for Newark that is - to paraphrase Vice President Biden - a big f*@king deal. During his election campaign, Booker promised to reduce violent crime levels in one of the most violent cities in America. During his first three years in office, murders declined by 23 percent, shootings by 47 percent and rapes by 40 percent. Add this to the bank robber he and his aides chased down on the way to his inauguration and one might be inclined to check the basement of the mayor’s residence for supercomputers and turbine-powered cars.

One Jesse James, husband of academy award winning actress Sandra Bullock, has admitted to cheating on his wife and checked himself into a sex rehab clinic. I know next to nothing about Jesse James. In fact, I probably wouldn’t know Jesse James from James Brown. But I think I’ve seen this movie before, and frankly, the script is getting a little stale. Wake up naked in some stranger’s house and don’t remember how you got there? Apologize and check yourself into drug rehab. Kill someone while driving drunk? Apologize and check yourself into alcohol rehab. Cheat on your wife? Apologize and check yourself into sex rehab. Regardless of your transgression, there’s a rehab center somewhere, just for you. All you have to do is claim you’re sorry, go to a group home to get “help” for your problem, then re-emerge three months later as if nothing ever happened. It’s so dishonest it’s pathetic. Just once, I would like hear someone admit the following: “Yeah I cheated on my wife/snorted away my daughter’s college fund/drank myself unconscious while operating a motor vehicle. And you know what? I really don’t care. In fact, I liked it. I liked it so much, I’m going to do it again and again and again until my wife divorces me and/or I waste away and die. Why? Because I am a sad, pitiful, poor excuse for a human being, and I like it that way. I’m sorry I got caught, because now everybody knows how pathetic I am. But that certainly won’t stop me from cheating/smoking/drinking again. So lock up your women, and hide your contraband, because I’m coming to your city!” A little honesty never hurt anybody, right?

Finally, there is a new craze sweeping the Internet. It’s called Chatroulette. The premise is fairly simple. You turn on your webcam, log on to the website and every thirty seconds or so you are connected to a different random stranger with whom you can then “chat.” But it turns out that chatting is, well, boring. So, users have evolved a variety of methods to make it interesting. A quick surf through Chatroulette now reveals that many - if not most of the interactions taking place involve at least one party engaged in some form of amateur porn. While every fourth grader in America with access to the internet is well aware of this, it somehow comes as a surprise to most adults. In an interview with a psychologist last week, NPR radio host Robin Young was astonished and disturbed by the sheer number of naked people she saw engaged in graphic sex acts during the seven minutes she was connected to the site. To me this feels a little like Captain Renault declaring he is shocked to discover gambling taking place in Rick’s nightclub as he collects his winnings. Adults seem to have created this innocent-sounding cover story for polite company that the Internet is all about shopping and Facebook and finding the Dairy Queen closest to the yoga studio. But the truth is that not five minutes after the darn thing was invented, some guy was trying to figure out how to send pictures of his ex-girlfriend’s butt to his buddy in Cleveland. Of course Chatroulette is used primarily for porn! So is the Internet! Get over it! It should simply be assumed that it is only a matter of time (and by time I mean 24-hours, tops), before any and every new technology is manipulated to view, distribute or produce pornography. Keep the kiddies off the interweebs, or learn how to use the content filters.