Ivory Towers

Tuesday is the new Monday. Seriously, it is. Check your calendar.

It’s super duper Tuesday people! Again. Get excited. I know, I can’t either. Early results indicate that Senator Clinton will take the Pennsylvania Democratic primary – as expected. The margin of victory is still uncertain, but it looks like it will be somewhere between 6 and 12 points. For the past six weeks the media has been telling anyone who would listen that this could be a decisive moment in this marathon of a campaign. However, since mid-March they’ve known the awful truth, that this primary solves nothing. Obama still has a considerable lead in both fund-raising and delegates, and with a very friendly North Carolina and a somewhat friendly Indiana next on the schedule – he is poised to add to that lead. Clinton will continue to compete in upcoming primaries, and this race will continue at least until the final primary on June 3. So, take your seat belts off, crank up the tunes and ignore the kids fighting in the back seat. This one’s going to continue to be ugly.

In a bizarre piece of political news, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton will face each other on World Wresting Entertainment’s Fright Night Smackdown. Sort of. Digital versions of the candidates (avatars) will face each other in a videogame version of one of the most popular shows on cable. Personally, I think this is a fantastic idea. Why don’t we settle all our differences this way? I’ll even take it a step further. Forget about the digitizing, just stick to the (semi) real thing. Let’s get Israel and Palestine to each pick a representative, dress them in some spandex underwear, throw them in the ring and let them drop kick each other until somebody gives up. We could add some theme music, cute little stage names, maybe even entrance videos showing the combatants beating old ladies with pillows and stealing candy from babies. At least this way, nobody else gets killed, neighborhoods don’t get blown up and any retaliation is confined to the ring. Come on, if people will watch Flava of Love, this can certainly find an audience.

I want to talk about elitism for a moment. This has been on my mind for a while now, but really came to the forefront in the past few weeks with this business of some comments Senator Obama made at a campaign event in California. His opponents have tried to paint him as an over-educated, idealistic academic who just doesn’t understand “regular folk” like “the rest of us.” There are two fundamental problems with that statement.

First, no matter how hard they try to convince you of it, neither politicians, nor pundits are “regular folk.” Regular folk do not have their own radio or television programs. Regular folk do not have luxury coaches with decals of their names plastered on the side and vanloads of reporters in tow. Regular folk do not receive six-figure compensation for making speeches, are not chauffeured to work in stretch limousines, or maintain a winter townhouse in Georgetown and a summer home in Martha’s Vineyard. Simply repeating something ad nauseam does not make it true. Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly are not “regular folk.” Hillary Clinton, John McCain and Barack Obama are not “regular folk.” They may have started out that way, but they’re not anymore. And they do not understand what it means to be “regular.” Their only concept of regularity is related to the amount of fiber present in their diet. They are the elite. The top one-percent. They are the very people they are trying to convince you they are not.

Second, what is the problem with being elite? Every single parent in this country who gives a damn about his or her child, pushes that child to stay in school, get excellent grades, go on to college, get a degree, find a good job and make something of him/herself. Parents don’t push their kids toward mediocrity, they push them toward excellence. They want them to be the best. No mother in the world looks at her son and says to herself, “You know what, I hope that someday my little Johnny grows up to be an absolutely non-descript, middle-of-the-road, ho hum, plain old regular guy!” No one does that! The entire American system is set up to allow and encourage every generation to improve upon the one before it. Every low-income family wants to be middle class, and every middle class family wants to be rich. Everyone wants to be elite. Yet somehow there is an idea permeating the culture that elite individuals should act like “regular folk” in order to be accepted. Like there is some twisted kind of pride in plodding through life, scraping by with a high school diploma (maybe) and an monotonous assembly line job waiting to be shipped off to China at a moment’s notice. Well, understand this. I did not spend five years and $100,000 on college to be “regular folk.” My parents expect better of me and I expect better of myself, and so should every single person torturing him or herself reading this paragraph. There’s nothing wrong with success. And there is certainly nothing wrong with not being just like everyone else.

Even though auto sales declined on a whole this past year, sales of hybrid cars actually increased by about 38%. With gasoline steadily creeping toward $4.00 a gallon, American consumers are embracing hybrid technology as a way to keep a little extra money in their pockets. Yet Ford, General Motors, Honda, and to some extent Toyota, continue to complain that sales of hybrid versions of their top-selling vehicles simply aren’t all that strong. Well, there is a very simple explanation for this. There is a very good reason why the Toyota Prius accounts for 50% of all hybrid cars on the road. Its certainly not due to its performance – which is somewhat lacking. And it has nothing to do with its stunning good looks. (That sarcasm’s awfully bitter, isn’t it?) The reason why the Prius is the hybrid of choice is because it is… distinct. Everyone knows a Prius when they see one.

There is a “smug” factor associated with environmental consciousness. It takes some degree of effort to alter one’s lifestyle to become “greener.” And people who go to all the trouble to be green, want everyone to know they’ve gone through all that trouble. When you show up at the Christmas party with in a Prius, everyone knows they are going green and congratulates them for doing it. But if you show up in a hybrid Ford Escape, nobody knows anything – unless they walk outside through the snow and get nice and close to the tiny little hybrid sticker on the tailgate. And by the time they’ve gone through all that trouble they’re just cold and wet and miserable and no longer give a crap about what you’re doing to save the planet.
There is a valuable lesson to be learned from the Prius. If you make it distinct, they will buy it. Doesn’t matter how ugly it is. Is there an uglier car on the road than the Prius? But the people don’t care. Put some leather seats and a hybrid engine in a UPS delivery van and it will sell 50,000 units. People want to be recognized for their contribution to the planet. And the Prius – as frustratingly ugly as it is – accomplishes just that. Learn from that.

Finally, teen media sensation Miley Cyrus, (daughter of Billy “Achy Breaky” Cyrus), has signed a book deal to publish her memoirs. She’s fifteen. I didn’t know there was a market for biographical pamphlets, but apparently I just haven’t been keeping up with the market. I don’t know what life lessons she could possibly have learned in 15 years (a third of which she probably doesn’t remember), and I certainly don’t care enough to shell out $20 for the pamphlet to find out, but I am kind of interested in what she’ll come up with. She could probably distill everything down to one simple, yet poignant statement. At least she’s not Lindsey Lohan.