Real America

Greetings from "fake" America! I know, traditionally Indiana has been considered part of "real" America. But the city I live in is home to at least one institute of higher learning, so that would seem to place us firmly in the "fake" America category.

CNN is reporting that Senator Obama will leave the campaign trail this coming Thursday and Friday to visit his ailing 86-year-old grandmother in Hawaii. Apparently she has been ill for quite some time now and has taken a turn for the worse. Obama was scheduled to appear in Wisconsin and Iowa those two days, but will instead make the flight to Honolulu to be with the woman he credits with rearing him to be the man he is today. I wish Senator Obama and his grandmother the best and hope he finds her well.

Be careful what you wish for, Samuel Wurzelbacher. You just might get it. The now infamous "Joe the Plumber" mentioned by McCain some 20 times during the final debate actively courted his fifteen minutes of fame, doing more interviews in 24 hours than Sarah Palin has given in six weeks of campaigning. But Wurzelbacher apparently didn't realize that when you turn your life over to the camera, you turn your whole life over to the media. And the media discovered a few things about him that didn't quite mesh with his self-crafted entrepreneur persona. First, Joe is not a licensed plumber. I know one does not have to be a licensed plumber to perform plumbing work. But I guess "Joe the Journeyman" just doesn't have the same ring to it. Second, according to both his most recently available federal income tax returns and his own admission, Joe made only $40,000 last year, which qualifies him for a larger tax cut under Barack Obama's tax plan than under John McCain's tax plan. And finally, Joe owes the State of Ohio $1,200 in back taxes. The man who told Obama that high taxes were discouraging him from purchasing his own plumbing business, had to rely on the charity of two conservative radio hosts in Portland to raise the $1,700 he needs to pay off the lien against him and cover the cost of obtaining his plumber's license. Say it ain't so Joe. Say it ain't so.

The biggest news of the weekend - and there was some pretty big news this weekend - was the endorsement of Senator Obama by former Secretary of State and retired four-star general Colin Powell. Citing, among other things, the scorn of intellectual rigor, embrace of ignorance, degenerating tone of the campaign, McCain's erratic response to the financial crisis and the selection of Governor Palin as a Vice Presidential nominee as reasons for his decision. With those words, Powell joined the growing list of prominent Republican / conservative intellectuals who have expressed their displeasure with the direction of the Republican Party and campaign, and endorsed Obama. The haters stepped forward immediately, lead by the man behind the "golden EIB microphone" Rush Limbaugh, who flat out called Powell a racist for endorsing the black "liberal" instead of the white conservative. Maybe the Oxycontin is impairing Limbaugh's judgment, but if Powell's endorsement was simply about one black man voting for another black man, Powell could have endorsed Obama 20 months ago. He was black then, and he's black now. Is it possible that Powell might have endorsed Barack Obama simply because he believes that he would make a better president than McCain? Possible?

Obama set a new fundraising record for September, collecting a whopping $150 million in 30 days, with over 600,000 new donors and an average donation of 86 dollars. Wow. While there is no reason to assume that just any candidate could accomplish what Obama has in terms of fund-raising, but is it too early to declare the death of public financing?

Obama drew 175,000 people to his rallies in Missouri this past weekend, 100,000 in St. Louis and 75,000 in Kansas City. I'm still fairly young, but I don't remember any other American political figure drawing the kind of individual attention Obama has garnered during this campaign. A substantial number of people in this country are searching for something different. And whatever it is, they seem to be finding it in Barack Obama.



For as long as I can remember, the Republican Party has accused the Democratic Party of class warfare, divide-and-conquer politics. I guess mother never told them that every time you point a finger, there are three fingers pointing back at you. During an interview with NBC News earlier this week, McCain campaign spokeswoman Nancy Pfotenhauer remarked that although northern Virginia has drifted Democratic in recent years, the rest of Virginia, or "real Virginia" if you will, is still very receptive to McCain's message. When given the opportunity to back away from dividing the state into legitimate and illegitimate citizens, Pfotenhauer pressed on, adding portions of Minnesota, Wisconsin, Ohio and Pennsylvania to her definition of "real" America. Earlier that day while campaigning in North Carolina, Governor Palin told her adoring fans that, she was proud to be visiting "the pro-American parts of the country," talking to "...real Americans..., running our factories and teaching our children..." with "...small town American values." I think I'm going to be sick.

A few months from now, I will become an American citizen. But I find it a little disconcerting that my citizenship has been de-legitimized even before it's been bestowed upon me. Because I was born and raised in a city of half-a-million people, I can never be a "real" American. Because I've had a passport since I was two years old, I can never be a "real" American. Because I graduated from (one) college, with a professional degree instead of working in a factory or as an unlicensed plumber (because somehow what I do every day doesn't qualify as work) I can never be considered a "real" American. Because I drive an Acura and never learned how to field-dress a moose, I can never be considered a "real" American. Because I can remember what newspapers and magazines I read, and am fully capable of forming a coherent sentence featuring nouns, verbs, adjectives, articles, conjunctions and pronouns, I can never be a real American. Forgive my sarcasm, but I'm freakin' tired of being told by middle-aged men with multiple homes making $40 million dollars a year to sit in a leather recliner and blather into a microphone three hours a day that I am some kind of elitist while they are, and speak for, "everyday Americans." I'm tired of being told that people from small towns who smoke meth, drop out school, vandalize property, beat their wives and children in drunken rages and get pregnant at the age of fifteen are somehow more virtuous than big city “folks” guilty of the same offenses. I’m tired of being told that because I don’t think American soldiers should still be dying on Iraqi soil I don’t “support the troops” and because I believe that patriotism is something more than a brass pin made in China that I’m somehow “un-American.”

During the final debate last week, Senator McCain commented that if only Senator Obama had agreed to the series of town hall meeting he had suggested this summer, the current tone of the campaign would be very different. Translation, everything would be perfect if Obama had simply done everything McCain wanted him to. I’m old enough to understand that politics is a dirty business. And that in order to get elected, both McCain and Obama must attempt to make themselves look better than their opponent. But the hard reality is that come November 5th, we all have to figure out how to make this system work for the next four years with whoever was elected the night before. It’s one thing to function in an environment of philosophical differences. It’s quite something else to carve up the country into small town and big city America, populated by real and fake Americans who supported either a “war hero” or a “terrorist sympathizer” and expect the system to work. It’s foolish, it’s dangerous and it’s got to stop.

In an interview earlier this week, Governor Palin told Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family that "God will do the right thing on November 4th." I hope she still feels that way if Senator Obama wins the presidency.

Still trying to distill a coherent message out of the cacophony of his campaign, McCain has now resorted to throwing tired cold war labels at his opponent, hoping that something – anything – will stick. This week he seems to have dropped the “palling around with terrorists” mantra and reverted to the more traditional “tax and spend liberal” label, accenting it here and there with charges of “socialism.” I guess the term “borrow and spend conservative” doesn’t have the same historical connotations as tax and spend liberal, but I fail to understand how anyone proposing to spend as much money as McCain can try to negatively paint his opponent as a big spender. I also find it laughable that he would try to pin the socialist label on someone with the endorsement of perhaps the greatest living free market American capitalist and richest man in the world, Warren Buffet. But judging by the poll numbers, I’m not the only one befuddled by the flailing.

My NFL thoughts for Week 7:

I’ve lived long enough to witness the perfect 16-0 season. I hope I live long enough to witness the perfect 0-16 season. I thought I might score both in the same year last season, but Miami killed that dream for me. But this season, I have two chances. And I’m counting on at least the Lions to come through for me.

The Dallas Cowboys are in serious doo doo. All of a sudden, their all-star offensive line can’t block, their all-star running back can’t run, their all-star quarterback can’t throw, their all-star tight end can’t catch, and then there’s Terrell Owens and Terrence Newman and Pacman Jones and Roy Williams and, well, you get the picture. Jerry Jones insists everything is just fine. But when you have that much money, you can pay other people to tell the truth for you.

I love Seattle. Really, I do. What’s not to love about a city with bikini-clad baristas and a lingerie football league? But the Seahawks are embarrassing to watch. It’s like watching the short stubby kid with the greasy hair and freckles ask the head cheerleader to the prom, over and over again, with the same depressing result. Somebody take pity on them, please.

The Carolina Panthers and the San Diego Chargers are the two most perplexing teams in football. After seven weeks there’s still no consensus on whether or not they are any good. And L.T. is still ruining my fantasy football season.

Nothing perplexing about Tennessee. The Titans are the real deal. I know they played the Chiefs, but 330 rushing yards by two players in one game is unheard of. Only the Steelers stand between them and the AFC title.

Something is terribly wrong in Indianapolis. The most efficient offence in the league now looks barely average, and an average defense now looks like the Denver Broncos. Peyton Manning’s not happy and it’s showing.

Following their loss to the Giants on Sunday, the 49ers fired head coach Mike Nolan and replaced him with linebackers coach and legendary Chicago Bear Mike Singletary. Nothing against Singletary, but I don't think any coach not named Bill Walsh could fix the problems in San Fransisco.

My Superbowl picks as of Week 7: New York Giants vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

Nebraska's Safe Haven law allowing parents to turn over children they cannot care for to the State without fear of prosecution is causing a bit of a problem. The law was intended to prevent newborns from being left for dead in trash cans by frightened (mostly teen) mothers who couldn't or didn't want to care for them. However, in writing the statute, some genius replaced the word infant with the word child, thereby broadening the law to include all children up to the age of 18. Since the law was titled "Safe Haven" and billed as protecting children, no one actually bothered to read it carefully before voting on it. Naturally, bumbling ensued. Bad parents all over Nebraska have been leaving their babies, toddlers, tweens and even teenagers with child services for the State to care for. Bad parents from surrounding states have even gotten in on the action. Finally realizing the error of their ways the legislature promises to rewrite the law to suit the original intent. But this should serve as a lesson to every politican in America. READ THE BILLS BEFORE YOU SIGN THEM! When you don't, we end up with things like the Iraq war authorization and the Patriot Act.

Tiger Woods turned up on a golf course this week for the first time since the knee surgery that ended his season - as a caddy. He pulled up to the fifth hole at Torrey Pines in a Buick SUV golf cart to help some dude with his putting. Heckuva day for that guy, huh? How many people get to tell their friends that Tiger Woods caddied for them on the fifth hole at Torrey Pines?

The Fox television network’s worst nightmare has come true. And I’m not talking about the cancellation of American Idol. The Tampa Bay Rays and the Philadelphia Phillies will meet in the World Series this year. If you don’t know anything about either of those two teams, you’re not alone. Fox has invested millions in what might as well be a hockey game between the Columbus Blue Jackets and the Atlanta Thrashers.

I love Rashida Jones. Love her.

Finally, Andy Roddick auctioned off a one hour-long nude tennis lesson for charity for an exorbitant $15,000 to a delighted female fan/donor. It’s not clear whether only Roddick will serve and volley in the nude or if his pupil will join him in her birthday suit. But there is just something unsettling about nude male tennis. Way too much going on there. Too much.

Pick Me, Pick Me!

Today is election day in Canada. No victory announcements yet. For some reason they refuse to release the results until all the polls have closed. Lame.

Remember the Ministry of Truth from George Orwell’s dystopian masterpiece Nineteen Eighty-Four? Am I the only one who finds its resemblance to John McCain’s campaign a little disturbing?

The McCain campaign wants us to believe that whatever it says today must be the truth - and always has been, regardless of whether or not it is. On Friday morning, Sarah Palin told reporters she was excited to be cleared of all legal and ethical violations related to the on-going “Trooper-gate” investigation in Alaska. Except that she wasn’t. She was, if fact, found to be in violation of the state’s ethics laws by the bipartisan commission investigating her. Oops. On Monday, McCain debuted a new stump speech in which he blathers about Obama picking out drapes for the White House. If Obama is so confident of victory, why is he making three campaign stops a day, seven days a week in places no Democrat has even considered competing in over the past 50 years, while McCain continues to take weekends off? Hmm.

I’m not sure if we’re witnessing a campaign in crisis, or a campaign mirroring the mind of its leader. And at this point, I’m not sure it matters. I will never underestimate the capacity of the American voter to shoot themselves in the foot right before crossing the finish line, (see Florida, circa 2000), but some interesting developments have taken place over the last seven days to temper my innate sense of pessimism... uh, I mean realism.

After 10 days of relentless assaults on Senator Obama’s character and prior tenuous (at best) associations by his campaign surrogates, vice presidential nominee and finally the candidate himself, McCain finds himself trailing Obama by an average of 8.1 points nationally, (10 points according to Gallup and ABC News), and down 14 points in favorability rating. In an attempt to demonstrate leadership in difficult economic times, McCain went in gun blazing, suspended his campaign (sort of) to rush back to Washington and inject himself into the bailout talks, took credit for a deal that subsequently fell through, blamed Senator Obama for its failure only to later take credit for killing the bill, and threatened to skip the first debate if no deal was reached, yet showed up for said debate without a deal in place. He has presented new economic initiatives, fundamentally altered them less than 12 hours later, then promised a complete slate of revised economic policies, only to decide on the day they were to be released, not to release them, then announce them at a rally the following day. At a town hall style debate - considered to be his strong suit - McCain wandered about the stage like he was looking for a lost puppy, providing condescending answers to voter questions and bolting the venue as soon as the debate was over. For a man who has designed his persona and built his campaign around experience and steady leadership, he has appeared erratic and unsure of himself for at least three weeks now, all the while claiming his opponent is the inexperienced, risky choice. There is still plenty of time for this bizarre line of attack to resonate with voters, but it is possible - maybe likely that McCain will have to attempt yet another switch in strategy in order to work his way back into this race.

The absolute hysteria displayed by the right at the prospect of an Obama presidency would be amusing if it weren’t so dangerously serious. Every four years, the conservative talk show cabal and their disciples get up on their soapboxes and regale anyone who will listen with frightening stories of how the country will devolve into (insert the name of your favorite third world socialist dictatorship here) if a Democrat is elected to the White House. Since the end of World War II, five Democrats have occupied the office of the President, and each time (with the exception of one) American has emerged a stronger, more prosperous nation, with its Constitution intact, adherent to the principles of representative democracy. But, in spite of the evidence and the lessons of history, the perpetual paranoia of the right has them seeing the second coming of Chairman Mao in the body of Huey Newton. Given such inflammatory rhetoric, is anyone truly surprised by the level of fear and loathing toward Obama demonstrated by supporters at McCain-Palin rallies? When you dehumanize, demonize your opponent, your supporters begin to feel justified in comparing him to Osama bin Laden and advocating violence against him. It seems obvious that Governor Palin has no qualms about courting the votes of such unhinged voters, but John McCain is supposedly a man of character. His political career will continue regardless of whether or not he wins the election three weeks from now. He needs to ask himself if these are the haters and this is the type of campaign he wants history to associate with him. To his credit he took a positive step toward answering that question late last week when he corrected one supporter who claimed Obama was an Arab, and earlier, defended the Illinois senator’s character to a chorus of boos at a town hall meeting. While under unfair and malicious character assassination by Karl Rove and George Bush in the 2000 presidential primary, McCain made the statement that character attacks were the refuge of candidates who have run out of ideas. He needs to follow his own wisdom and prove to us that he still has a few ideas left.

Who is Sarah Palin?

Remember that National Security Agency surveillance program President Bush insisted was only being used to eavesdrop on calls between terrorists and their sympathizers? Turns out it was also being used by NSA employees to listen in on phone calls between soldiers and their families. When someone came across a particularly salacious phone call, it was recorded and passed around the office for everyone’s entertainment. Surprise! Who would have thought that given the opportunity to abuse the rights of American citizens the NSA would do just that. Never saw that one coming.

Merely days after receiving an $85 billion loan from the taxpayers in order to keep their sorry excuse for an insurance company afloat, executives at AIG spent $440K on a party for themselves at a resort/spa which - among other things - provides rooms for dogs at $500 a night. Aren’t you glad your tax dollars are being put to good use? I hope that when this is over, these clowns are put in a cellblock with half-a-dozen 6’-8” tall, 350 pound Bulgarians named Lyubomir who lost their entire life savings in an insurance scam. Payback is a you-know-what, isn’t it.

My NFL thoughts for Week 6:

The Detroit Lions still have not won a football game. They could have at least tied a game on Sunday had their quarterback not given up a ridiculous safety to the Minnesota Vikings. Note to Dan Orlovsky; that 12 inch thick bright white line at the back of the end zone, that’s out of bounds.

It is possible that Matt Ryan might just be a pretty good quarterback.

Same *bleep*, different day for the Raiders. Is it possible that the coach wasn’t/isn’t the problem in Oakland? Can we get the commissioner to fire Al Davis?

The Dallas Cowboys are teetering on the brink of disaster. After a crushing overtime loss to the Arizona Cardinals on a blocked punt in overtime, the Cowboys informed the media that superstar quarterback and Mr. Jessica Simpson, Tony Romo, broke the pinky finger on his throwing hand and will be out for at least the next four weeks. Today (Tuesday) Goodell announced he is suspending perennial disaster Adam Jones for four games as a result of an altercation involving Jones and his own private security guards. Add that to the loss of their other starting cornerback, their punter, a volatile Terrell Owens and an offensive line that suddenly seems incapable of blocking Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton and you have the makings of the 2005 Philadelphia Eagles. Loaded with talent, loaded with drama, devoid of the hardware.

Congratulations to the Rams on notching their first victory against the bewildering Washington Redskins Sunday afternoon. Washington looked almost as bad as the Giants looked against Cleveland on Monday night. How on earth does New York go from lighting up the 1-3 Seahawks for 44 points to giving up 35 to the 1-3 Browns? All of a sudden a division many thought would send three teams to the playoffs will be lucky to have a division winner decided before the final game of the season. Oh, and we can stop this Eli Manning is better than Peyton Manning garbage now, right?

Aaron Rodgers ain’t bad. Brett Favre’s still better.

If the Saints only had a defense...

My Superbowl picks for Week 6: Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Indianapolis Colts

I just saw a television commercial for the Hulk on DVD. The tag line was, “...it’s every bit as good as Ironman...” Really? If that was the case, wouldn’t the commercials for Ironman be claiming it was every bit as good as the Hulk?

According to people who have nothing better to do than compile these statistics, the United States has the fortieth most stable banking system in the world. Right behind Namibia. Fortunately, Canada has the world’s most stable banking system. So if things get really bad here we can simply declare Canada a state sponsor of terrorism, pencil them in on the Axis of Evil list, invade the country and claim the banking system for ourselves. That’s got to cost less than $700 billion, right?

Finally, Vibe Magazine named Detroit rap artist Eminem the “best rapper alive” yesterday. Now I’m no authority on rap music, but I’m pretty sure there are several rappers I’m aware of who would eat him for lunch with some barbeque and a fifth of gin. I suppose it depends on how one defines the term “best rapper.” Perhaps simply being able to see a rapper from your window is enough to qualify one for the award.

Bullets with Butterfly Wings

Despite all his rage, he is still just a rat in a cage.

Apparently there’s a presidential debate on television right now. I guess I should flip over and watch it, but I need to let my food digest a little first. Maybe I’ll just record it and watch it later.

Over the weekend, John McCain decided to take his presidential campaign in a different direction. He decided to shift his attention away from things he knows nothing about, like the economy and the everyday hardships of people with only one house, and toward issues he knows a lot about, like character assassination. Self-described pit-bull Sarah Palin raised Obama’s fleeting association with ’60s radical turned University of Illinois professor Bill Ayers claiming Obama hates America so much he “pals around with terrorists” and “America haters” like Jeremiah Wright. McCain got up before small crowds of supporters today on Monday and called Obama a liar, claiming he refuses to answer questions about his past associations. Of course, Obama has answered questions about his past associations, in great detail, when these issues were raised by Senator Clinton during the Democratic primary. As a matter of fact, Charles Gibson and George Stephanopoulos spent 45 minutes of a 75 minute debate discussing them. Apparently McCain doesn’t understand that an answer he doesn’t like is still an answer none-the-less.

McCain-Palin needs to be careful. I am well aware that the reason trailing candidates revert to personal attacks is that typically, negative campaigning works. However, since the attacks began on Saturday, Obama has gained 3 percentage points and 11 electoral votes in the Gallup tracking poll. I am by no means a believer in the intelligence and ability of the American voter to see through such tactics, but it is possible that in the midst of a plummeting stock market, increasing foreclosure rates and nine consecutive months of job-losses, voters might be less interested than usual it what some college professor was involved in when Barack Obama was eight years old. From what I understand, all charges against Bill Ayers were dropped over 30 years ago. If Ayers is a “terrorist” as Palin claims, have him arrested and charged with terrorism. Otherwise McCain-Palin should probably keep their smears to themselves. People living in glass houses - or associating with Alaskan separatists - should not throw stones.

How much more evidence do people need that when this campaign is about issues that affect people’s lives, McCain loses.

Add the phrase “game-changer” to the list of words I never want to hear again so long as I live. Never.

70 million people tuned in last Thursday night to watch the first and only debate between the vice presidential candidates. The verdict; Palin did well, Biden did better. Despite the post-debate propaganda of Michelle Malkin, the National Review Online and someone referred to in campaign commercials as “famous person” (later revealed to be former Reagan speech writer Peggy Noonan), post-debate polls so far - four and five days later - indicate an uptick in support for the Obama-Biden ticket. Of course, Palin set expectations for herself so low that if she accomplished nothing more than merely showing up on stage and standing at the podium it would have been considered a win. She still sounded like an edited-for-television version of Fargo, lacing her string of talking points with “ mavericks” and “you betchas” and “ya darn tootin’s” and other assorted phony folksy charm, as well as “answers” to questions she was never asked. Her sportscasting experience also took center stage as she attempted to assemble factually incorrect oxymoronic snippets of mispronounced words like she was reading them off the tele-prompter, trying to force them all out before the highlights finished running on the blue screen behind her. But never mind all that. She’s a folksy “Joe six-pack hockey mom” state governor with a tanning bed in her living room. Just like you and me.

Cindy McCain is delusional. The $300,000 outfits must be going to her head. Today (Tuesday) she accused Barack Obama of running the "dirtiest campaign in American history." After 28 years of marriage, how could she possibly confuse her own husband with a 6'2" black man?

Enough politics. How about a little financial talk. The market fell 508 points today, following an early rally spurred by the bargain hunters. That amounts to a 13% loss of value over the past five days, and a 33% loss over the past twelve months. Does anyone still think that privatizing Social Security would have been a good idea?

Just to preface this comment, I hate baseball. I hate baseball the way Jennifer Aniston hates Angelina Jolie. But seriously, is there a more disappointing team in all of professional sports than the Chicago Cubs? Even I would have watched the Cubs in the World Series. I think there should be a mercy rule in pro sports. If your franchise has been an exercise in futility for 100 years, it should be removed from your city and all traces of its existence wiped from the face of the earth. No sports fan should have to live with 100 consecutive years of humiliation.

My NFL thoughts for Week 5.

The Lions really are that bad.

The Chiefs are even worse. How do you go from scoring 30 points last week to laying a big old rotten egg this week? Why not just pull 22 fans in jerseys out of the stands and let them run around the field. The couldn’t possibly do any worse.

The only reason the Rams didn’t make this list is because they didn’t play. Wait, they just made the list, didn’t they.

Every single Seattle Seahawk defender should return Sunday’s paycheck. Defenders get paid to tackle, don’t they? Not to smile and wave at Brandon Jacobs as he lopes past them. I know they’re pulling guys in off the street to play wide receiver, (Deion Branch returned for all of three minutes before leaving the game with a heel injury) but your receivers don’t play linebacker. Heck, maybe they should. That might be an improvement.

If you want to know how to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, watch the final five minutes of the Colts - Texans game. The Colts scored 21 points in two minutes as a result of three turnovers by Texans quarterback Sage Rosenfels. A Manning touchdown pass to some guy no one ever heard of cut the lead to ten late in the fourth quarter. But with four minutes to go, Rosenfels decided that instead of taking a slide and protecting the ball he would deliver his best impression of John Elway in the ’98 Superbowl, leaping over a tackle, getting helicoptered by two defenders, then - unlike Elway - fumbled the football, which was promptly recovered by the Colts and returned for a touchdown. On the ensuing Texan possession, Rosenfels failed to notice a Colt defensive end chasing him as he rolled to his left trying to make a pass and had the ball knocked from his hands, recovered again by Colt defenders. That lead to a Reggie Wayne touchdown on the sideline of the end zone that at least ties - if not surpasses Marty Booker’s catch against the Lions in Detroit for catch of the year. Rosenfels then went ahead to rub salt in his own wounds by throwing an interception to end the game. After the game he told the media that his mistakes may have cost the team a victory. Isn’t honesty refreshing? What else would you expect from a dude named Sage, right?

Ben Roethlisberger is one tough S.O.B. Can’t say it any better than that.

Monday night was shaping up to be Reggie Bush’s coming out party. In the football sense. Not in the gay sense. Two-and-a-half punts returns for touchdowns in one game is Hester-esque. Too bad the Saints had to go and screw it up by losing the game.

My Superbowl picks for Week 5: New York Giants vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

On the lighter side, word is that Elizabeth Hasselbeck is leaving “The View.” I don’t know why anyone cares or why that made the news, but people do and it did. Apparently she’s gained notoriety for expressing in-depth, throughly-reasoned, well-rounded opinions and commentary on current events. Seems as though she’ll be missed. Maybe she and Rosie O’Donnell will do a show together. Survivor: Times Square.

Tennis superstar and consensus smokin’ hot babe Maria Sharapova put herself up for auction at a charity fundraising event last week. The highest bidder would receive a date with the lovely Russian blonde. Seems Sharapova thought her brand new boyfriend would be able to put up the winning bid and take her out for a nice dinner. But apparently the boyfriend was sniped at the last moment by some luck dude who offered in excess of $10,000 for an evening with Maria. How awkward is that date going to be? And seriously? Only $10,000 dollars? Wow. If I’d just refinanced my house that could have been me.

Finally tonight, have I mentioned how much I love Seattle? First drive-thru bikini coffee shops, now this. Tryouts are underway for The Lingerie Football League. Yes, it is exactly what it sounds like, a 10-team football league featuring games played by young ladies in lingerie. I meticulously reviewed the video footage of the tryouts posted on CNN.com for this report, and while the National Football League it is not, the ladies are... in all honestly... not terrible. I don’t think any of them are professional athletes, but some of them can actually throw and catch and run. Of course, none of them can block or tackle, but that’s not what the Lingerie Football League is about, is it. When asked what she thought the allure of the league might be, one tryout participant - ogled from the bleachers by a group of construction workers on their lunch break - replied thoughtfully, “...probably half-naked women playing football... would be my guess.” Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is the real straight-talk express.

House of Cards

Have you checked on your 401K lately?

What a week for John McCain.  Following the debacle of previous weeks in which he claimed the fundamentals of the economy were sound, six hours before declaring the fundamentals of the economy were in crisis, two hours before declaring he was actually referring to the American worker, McCain began this past week determined to overcome his admitted weakness with regard to the economy.  Attempting to jolt himself out of a post-Lehman Bros. poll slump, he announced Tuesday afternoon – much to the dismay and agitation of David Letterman whose show he was scheduled to appear on – that he would be suspending his campaign and returning to Washington to inject himself into the negotiations on the 700 billion dollar bailout package.  He felt this mission was so important, he informed the public he would not appear at the first scheduled debate with Senator Obama that Friday night unless a solution to the crisis had been reached.  So, McCain rode into D.C. on his white horse (of conquest?), called a few Senators and Congressmen on the phone, proclaimed he was putting his country ahead of his personal ambition (nudge nudge wink wink), accomplished absolutely nothing, and despite repeated declarations that he wouldn’t, showed up for the debate Friday night anyhow.  His campaign released commercials in battleground states claiming he won the debate – on Friday morning, ten hours before the debate had actually taken place.  On Thursday his campaign suggested that perhaps the Friday’s debate should have been rescheduled for October 2, and the vice presidential debate scheduled for that evening be postponed indefinitely.  (The reasons for that became painfully clear when the video of running mate Sarah Palin’s interview with Katie Couric hit the rest of the media.)  Learning nothing from those missteps, McCain announced Monday morning that he was responsible for a new and improved bailout package that now had the votes to get through Congress.  That afternoon, the McCain-brokered bailout package went down in flames on the floor of the House.  So he blamed Obama for the failure.  Maybe he just didn’t remember that Obama isn’t actually a member of the House of Representatives.

John McCain is an impulsive man.  He runs almost entirely on instinct, putting little thought into his decisions and giving little thought to them afterward.  He has admitted as much in his biography.  It should be obvious now – if it wasn’t ten days ago – that a quickly-made decision is not necessarily a good one.  The guy who raises his hand first doesn't always have the right answer.

As previously mentioned, the first presidential debate took place last Friday on the campus of the University of Mississippi. After viewing much of it and reviewing as much commentary as I could stomach, it seems like it was pretty much a wash. McCain was his typical combative, indignant self, while Obama was cool and even-keeled as usual.  But in a national security debate, a draw is somewhat of a win for Obama.  In this case, McCain seems to be a victim of expectations.  National security is supposed to be his wheelhouse, his area of expertise.  He was expected to get up on that stage and blow Obama away. Instead, Barack Obama stood face to face (sort of) with his opponent and looked like he belonged on the platform with him. Snap polls taken after the debate by CNN and CBS indicated that the undecided voters polled felt Obama outperformed McCain in every category but one – he didn’t attack McCain as much as McCain attacked him.  Those results translated to only a slight up-tick in the polls, but with less than five weeks to go, any increase at all could prove significant.

Is it me, or did John McCain fail to look Barack Obama in the eye even once during that entire 90-minute debate? Why?

If you as an interviewee can make Katie Couric look like Bill O’Reilly, you’re doing something terribly wrong.  Sarah Palin sat down for only her third media interview last week with CBS Evening News. In spite of all the blather about her experience and public speaking ability, Couric might as well have been interviewing Tickle-Me Elmo. Seriously. Elmo would have been more coherent.



As tempting as it is, I’m not going to turn the remainder of this column into a Palin-bashing session. But is it personally offensive to me that the Republican Party would nominate this candidate and try to sell her to the American people as more experienced, more intelligent and more prepared to lead this country than a self-made Harvard graduate. They should all be embarrassed.

In a related story, McCain spent many hours last week conferring with Mitt Romney about the economic crisis. If only he had the opportunity to put someone like Romney on the ticket, someone capable of speaking about economics in complete, coherent sentences featuring nouns, verbs, prepositions, adjectives and punctuation. Oh wait, he did have that opportunity. My bad.

On Monday, the Ohio state Supreme Court and two federal judges upheld a ruling by the Secretary of State that allows new voters to both register and cast an absentee ballot on the same day between September 30, the first day of early voting, and October 6, the deadline for voter registration. The state Republican Party asked the 6th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals to overturn the decision on the grounds that it violated Ohio law and invited voter fraud. Of course, while they were arguing this before the court, they were also encouraging first-time voters to register Republican and cast an absentee ballot for John Mccain on the same day. Even though it was illegal and invited voter fraud. Wrap your head around that one.

A report issued by the Justice Department’s Inspector General yesterday detailed widespread politicization of the Justice Department under the leadership - or lack thereof - of former Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, all in direct violation of the department’s policies and civil service laws prohibiting discrimination in hiring based on political or ideological affiliation. Right. Next they’ll try to tell me Clay Aiken is gay. Seriously, how did we get to this point? Doesn’t it bother anyone that the highest law enforcement office in the country was turned into a punch-line for late-night comedians? For all his failures, Gonzalez did succeed at one thing. He somehow managed to make people forget all about Janet Reno.

Behold another tidbit of useless information. The official inflation rate of Zimbabwe is 11.2 million percent. That is not a misprint. So, if you had $11 million today, next September - assuming that rate remained steady, you would be $200,000 in debt. At what point do you just scrap the entire system and start over?

My NFL thoughts for Week 4.

Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis finally did what he’s been wanting to do for six months and fired his head coach, replacing him with some guy named Tom. Anyone who’s seen a press conference with former coach Lane Kiffin over the past four weeks knows he’s basically been trying to get himself fired. During the off-season he discovered that he as the head coach had absolutely no control over his staff or his team. But he was determined to make Davis get up in front of a camera in his ridiculous sparkling velvet track suit and explain that to everyone else. Maybe Mike Shanahan is looking for an Al Davis castaway to sit on the sidelines with him and pout.

The 0-4 St. Louis Rams also fired their coach Monday morning, replacing him with their defensive coordinator. Unfortunately, their defensive coordinator used to be the head coach of the previously hapless New Orleans Saints, who under his leadership never had a winning record. Seems a little like plugging the cracks in the dam with chewing gum.

At 39 years-of-age, Brett Favre did something he’s never done before. And at that age you don’t get to say that very often. Favre threw six touchdown passes in 30 minutes of football on Sunday, leading the New York Jets to a 56-35 victory over the Cardinals and my fantasy team to an 0-4 start. Damn you Brett Favre! Damn you!

Even the Chiefs are doing better than I am. How lame is that? Did the Broncos even field a defense on Sunday?

Dallas fell to Washington Sunday evening, sparking complaints from pro bowl wide receiver diva, prima donna and all-round pain in the butt, Terrell Owens. Despite being the target of approximately 1/3 of the Cowboys offensive plays, Owens complained to his quarterback, his coaches and to the media that he didn’t like the play selection and wasn’t getting the ball enough. Romo was too busy making out with Jessica Simpson to pay him any attention, but the media gave him all the time he wanted. Give them a couple more losses and watch how fast Romo becomes Donovan McNabb and the Cowboys turn into the 2005 Eagles.

In spite of themselves, the Chicago Bears are pretty good.

My Superbowl picks for Week 4: Dallas Cowboys vs. Tennessee Titans.

In lighter news this week, seven-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong has decided he really doesn’t like sitting on his couch collecting money from his Live Strong bracelet empire. So, he’s gong back to cycling. In fact, he plans to make a run at another Tour de France riding for a team from Kazakhstan. I’m sure there’s a joke here somewhere, but I doubt I can pronounce it.

Police were called to a Philadelphia Phillies game on a report of suspicious objects some people thought were pipe bombs. Turns out they were actually hot dogs wrapped in duct tape, designed to be fired from a hot dog cannon into the crowd by the Phillies mascot. Wow. First burritos mistaken for shotguns, now hot dogs mistaken for pipe bombs. Do we need any more evidence that portion sizes are out of control in this country?

Finally, refusing to outdone by a B-list star like Clay Aiken, Lindsay Lohan revealed the second-worst-kept secret in America. That’s right guys, Lindsay likes the ladies. Older women at that. For those of you who don’t know, Lohan has been dating 31-year-old DJ Samantha Ronson (nine years her senior) for some time now. Lindsay has reportedly engaged in drunken jealous screaming matches with one of the Olsen twins over Ronson, while Ronson appears to have purchased Lohan a $22,000 diamond ring for her birthday. I hope Miley Cyrus is paying very close attention to all this. She’s looking at herself in the mirror six years from now.

Financial crisis wisdom of the week:
Vote for the guy with one house. If he loses it, he’ll be homeless.
- Chris Rock

All Along the Watchtower

So, Monday was the first day of autumn. Which means that Sunday was the last day of summer. I’m sure that depresses a lot of people, but not me. Nope. Not me. Wanna know why? I am part owner of two mortgage companies, an insurance company, oh yeah, and half of the rest of the U.S. economy. I wonder when my dividend cheque will arrive?

In case you missed it, the government took over the world’s largest insurance company last week. Then they apparently decided that owning an insurance company is totally useless without some crap to insure, so they asked Congress for 700 billion dollars with which to purchase the bad debt of any financial institution willing to pawn their garbage off on the federal treasury. If one chooses to include the five trillion dollar mortgage liability the government assumed in taking over Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac two weeks ago, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson has more than doubled the size of the national debt in only fifteen days. And it’s not over yet. No one knows exactly what these “toxic assets” the government intends to buy are worth. So, it’s quite possible that 700 billion just won’t cover it.

How did we get to this point? Well, that’s a long story, and my head hurts from the constant blathering I’ve been hearing all day long. But the Cliff notes version goes as follows: Some homeowners borrowed some money they probably should never have been allowed to borrow. Not content to rake in payments from people who couldn’t really afford them, banks packaged up these loans into securities and sold them multiple times to other financial institutions. The institutions then turned around and borrowed 30 times more money than they held in those mortgage assets, and lent that money to other people. When home prices started to fall, people decided to cash out their investments. But because the banks had borrowed exponentially more than the capital they had on hand, they couldn’t afford to cover their losses. Investors got wind that something was wrong and began withdrawing more of their money. Bank borrowed more money to cover increasing losses, and the rest is recent history.

But it didn’t have to end this way. Some – if not most of this – could have been prevented if only someone – preferably an adult – had been minding the store. But the geniuses on Wall Street playing roulette with everyone else’s money insisted they could host the party without a chaperone, and the chaperones, the United States government, allowed them to do just that, with horrendous results.

It should be obvious to everyone at this point that the unregulated free market is an unmitigated disaster. If you allow the market to do whatever it pleases, with boundless profit the only motive, the market will cannibalize itself, and then turn to the very public it violated for rescue when times go bad. Unfortunately, we’ve past the point where we can simply say to hell with them and let the entire system fail. Good people need work, good people need credit and good people need to know that at the end of the day their money is going to be worth the paper it’s printed on. The government has to rescue the system, and make up for its complete lack of oversight. Some undeserving financial institutions will continue to operate on the backs of the American taxpayer. But the penalty for destroying the public trust should and must be steep. There has to be some substantial disincentive for Wall Street to repeat this performance.

Treasury Secretary Paulson has come up with a plan to stop the bleeding on Wall Street he calls the Troubled Asset Relief Program – or TARP. That’s right, his solution to this crisis is to throw a tarp over it. Nice. I hope it work better than it sounds.

The stock market chaos seems to have returned the presidential polls to where they were before the election. Recent surveys now show Obama ahead of McCain by 4-5 points – with Obama crossing the 50% threshold in one CNN study. What can we learn from this? When this election is about lipstick, McCain leads. When it’s about issues, Obama leads.

In a related story, the Associated Press release a poll/study over the weekend detailing the role race might play in November. According to the AP, a significant portion of white Democrats hold negative opinions of blacks – enough to cause them to cast their vote against their own candidate. I’m stunned. I can’t express how surprised I am by this mind-blowing revelation. Right. I could have saved them six weeks of work and millions of dollars if they had only asked. Their numbers indicate that if racist white Democrats where to suddenly convert to non-racist white Democrats, Obama’s support among Democrats would increase between six and nine percentage points. It’s a sad commentary on America that there are so many people in this country willing to vote against their own self-interest just to avoid voting for the black guy.

Chevrolet released production images of its all-electric Volt last week after images of the car were leaked on the Internet. Unfortunately, the production car looks nothing like the concept General Motors has been masquerading as the Volt for the past two years. The production Volt is an angular four-door Dodge Stratus, instead of the two-door sport coupe advertised. According to people who keep track of such things, most comments to the company have been negative, including people who want to be taken off the waiting list for the car. Is there any doubt as to why the U.S. automakers are begging congress for money to stay afloat?

My NFL thoughts for Week 3:

The only difference between the 1995 Dallas Cowboys and the 2008 Dallas Cowboys is the cocaine.

The St. Louis Rams could improve the team by replacing their entire offensive line with actual rams. Sheep might actually block somebody.

Dolphins running back Ronnie Brown was responsible for all five Miami touchdowns in their win over New England Sunday. The once mighty Patriot defense was done in by trick plays from a high-school playbook. I thought Belichick was supposed to be a genius.

Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck made a statement Sunday afternoon. After Julius Jones escaped a pile of Rams defender and headed down the sideline toward the end zone, Hasselbeck ran ahead and launched himself head-first into the last two Rams defenders, knocking them flat on their backs and allowing Jones to waltz in for the score. Matt Hasselbeck is not just a quarterback; he’s a football player.

The states of Ohio and Missouri are a combined 0-12 so far this season. The ’76 Buccaneers might get to finally uncork the champagne this season.

My Superbowl picks for Week 3: Dallas Cowboys vs. Denver Broncos

In lighter news, the Large Hadron Collider will be shut down for several weeks due to an electrical failure and coolant leak that cause the machine to malfunction. Guess we’ll have to wait until next month for the black hole to destroy the earth.

Transformers vixen Megan Fox admitted to GQ Magazine that four years ago she fell in love with a female stripper. News that I’m sure makes a lot of people, very happy. According to Fox, “Nikita” performed beautiful slow dances to Aerosmith music (really?) and Fox would bring her gifts to inspire her to quit dancing. At this point the story gets a little strange. Fox claims she’s not a lesbian, but has the ability to be attracted to both sexes, and could see herself in a relationship with a girl. In fact, “Olivia Wilde is so sexy,” said Fox, “she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands.” Huh? What on earth does that even mean? And where do I get my ticket?

And finally, sorry ladies, but it’s official. Clay Aiken is gay. It’s true. People Magazine said so. Word is they will also announce that the earth is indeed round, and the sun will, most likely, come up tomorrow.

Black Monday

Today’s word is “free-fall”. Can you say free-fall? I knew you could.

Did you happen to catch the latest episode of Sub-Prime Crisis today? It started out with the failure of the 150-year-old investment bank Lehman Brothers. After the first commercial it cut to the sale of investment giant Merrill Lynch by the woolly mammoth of banking, Bank of America, then wrapped up with discussion of a private rescue plan for AIG, the largest insurance company in the country - maybe the world. Viewers responded to the episode by water-boarding the stock market to the tune of 504 points. Guess they didn’t care for the writing.

It should now be perfectly clear that John McCain knows about as much about the economy as he knows about the internet, or any of his eight houses. After hearing the news of the Lehman failure and the Merrill Lynch sale this morning, McCain delivered a statement repeating a previously discredited talking point that “the fundamentals of the economy are sound.” Note to John McCain: the financial system IS the fundament of the economy! After Barack Obama kindly pointed out the error of McCain’s ways, McCain revised his statement for a later audience, saying, “the fundamentals of the economy are at risk,” then blamed outdated regulation for the current state of banking. Actually John, the fundamentals of the economy are crumbling around you, and the utter lack of regulation and oversight by those in power (read Republican party) has contributed to the scale of the disaster. Why should anyone believe that you will reform regulation when you were partially responsible for deregulation and lack of oversight in the first place?

Another nugget of Washington rubbish came to us this week courtesy of the Department of the Interior. An internal audit revealed that approximately one quarter of the employees of the Minerals Management Service improperly awarded government contracts and manipulated the accounting in return for illicit cash payments, gifts, alcohol, marijuana, cocaine and sex from the oil industry employees and executives they were supposed to be watching. First, does this surprise anyone? What’s the point of having power if you can’t abuse it, right? Second, at this point, is there any serious difference between this government and an Arizona State fraternity. Lipstick maybe?

Hurricane Ike steamrolled the Texas Gulf coast this past weekend, flooding sections of Houston and almost completely destroying the sandbar of Galveston. The satellite photographs of this monstrosity were frightening as the storm covered almost the entire Gulf of Mexico. And even thought it made landfall as a Category 2 storm, the shear size and scale of Ike brought about widespread damage. As usual, there were several thousand people in Galveston who, in spite of warnings that Ike “could bring certain death” (huh?) refused/decided not to evacuate. Not because they couldn’t afford to, or didn’t have the means to, or had nowhere to go. They just didn’t want to. So now, while the city of Galveston is busy desperately trying to restore basic functionality to their town, they also have to rescue people who shouldn’t be there in the first place. Guess those are the small town values I’ve been hearing about.

Seeking to distract from economic troubles at home, Venezuelan head of state Hugo Chavez expelled the American ambassador from the country and invited Russian military aircraft to Venezuela do participate in combat exercises. This guy really knows how to push buttons, doesn’t he.

Zimbabwean dictator Robert Mugabe has finally reached a power-sharing agreement with opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai. Under the terms of the agreement brokered by neighboring African countries, Mugabe will retain control of the military and the title of President, while Tsvangirai will accept the title of Prime Minister and be responsible for... well, nobody really knows at this point. But even with nothing more than the adoption of titles, Zimbabwe is light-years ahead of where they were even a week ago. By the way, in the time it’s taken you to read this paragraph, Zimbabwean inflation has increased 10,000%.

My NFL thoughts for the week;

The Chargers were completely robbed of a victory in Denver Sunday evening. Not merely pick-pocketed or held up at gunpoint. They were screwed over Enron style.

LaDainian Tomlinson is crushing my fantasy football championship dreams. First Tom Brady, now LT. Is there no justice in this world?

The Seattle Seahawks are the worst good team I have ever seen.

The Kansas City Chiefs are the worst terrible team I have ever seen. The Rams are a close second. Both of them may be worse than the Dolphins were last year.

Yes, they played the Lions, but the Green Bay Packers put 48 points on the board Sunday afternoon. None of which were scored by anyone named Favre.

There should be some kind of rule against playing football in sixty mile-an-hour winds. Not that Cincinnati would have performed any better than they did, but I’m not sure it’s reasonable to ask a 90-pound kicker to kick a 40-yard field goal through uprights blowing 15-degrees from vertical.

If you had told me two weeks ago that the Carolina Panthers would be 2-0 without Steve Smith, I would have asked for some of whatever you were smoking. Maybe I did and don’t remember. Hmm.

It was reported late last week that Al Davis would axe head coach Lane Kiffin win or lose sometime on Monday. Well, the hapless Raiders defeated the exceedingly hapless Chiefs yesterday, and as of 11:08 Monday night, Kiffin is still employed. It is possible Al Davis just forgot what he said and at some point later in the week will fire someone else for not reminding him, but for now, the youngest coach in the league is fortunate (?) enough to still be the youngest coach in the league.

Spectacular display of grit from the Indianapolis Colts, recovering from a miserable three quarters to defeat the Vikings in Minnesota. Worse performance by the Vikings who had six opportunities to put the ball in the end zone and failed. Convert 50% of those opportunities and the Colts go home 0-2. What are they paying all those free-agents billions of dollars for?

Oh, and a note to the Auburn Tigers; 3-2 is not a football score. One more of those and you’re out of the conference.

My Week 2 Superbowl picks (with 4:35 remaining in the Eagles/Cowboys game);
Dallas Cowboys vs. Denver Broncos.

New Kids on the Block will kick off their reunion tour this Thursday night in Toronto. I don’t what's worse, that I mentioned that, or that it's actually true. What are they now, fifty?

Prosecutors appear to have learned from the “mistakes” of the original criminal trial and have seated an all-white jury for O.J. Simpson’s latest debacle. Take that any way you like.

Finally, a high-resolution satellite has been launched (to be used by Google Earth) which can reportedly capture an image of you retrieving your mail in your underwear. Seriously? And we still can’t find Osama?

Lipstick on a Pig

Read into it whatever you like. Obviously, the truth is irrelevant.

Oh, by the way, the federal government took over Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac over the weekend. How about that? The taxpayers are now on the hook for over $5 trillion in mortgage loans. Yippee! Yes, I realize it needed to be done. The reputations of those mortgage companies are too closely tied to the reputation of the U.S government to allow them to fail. But they cannot continue to make a habit of bailing out multi-billion dollar corporations. At some point, investors and executive officers MUST be held accountable for bad decisions. If they aren’t, there’s no incentive to make better decisions.

After sitting in Washington for 26 years efficiently running the government into the ground, John McCain has somehow cast himself as “the agent of change.” How many times do people have to be punched in the face before they realize who’s punching them and hit back?

There is a poll out this week that indicates a 20 shift in support of white women from Obama to McCain following the adoption of Sarah Palin. Hmm. I guess that 20% of white women who last week were pro-choice, pro-affordable healthcare, pro-public education and anti-war have decided this week they are pro-life, pro-HMO, pro-private school warmongers. No, wait; there must be a simpler explanation. I just… can’t… seem to… put my finger on it.

You know, it’s strange. Since finally being granted the right to vote, black Americans have voted for and worked to elect rich white men to office who shared their political beliefs. Why is it so difficult for a certain segment of white America to vote for and work to elect a wealthy black man to office who shares their political beliefs? Seriously. Why is it so difficult? Somebody fill me in.

The Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals overturned the year-old kidnapping and conspiracy conviction of former Klansman James Ford Seale today. The court decided that the 1972 law abolishing the death penalty for kidnapping also set a 5-year time limit on kidnapping prosecutions, and the 43-year delay in prosecuting Seale far exceeded that limit. Man gets away with murder on a technicality. Welcome to America.

In lighter news, the Bulgarian women’s ice hockey team (really?) was defeated 82-0 by Slovakia in an Olympic qualifying match on Wednesday. That is not a misprint. Slovakia averaged a goal every 43.9 seconds, 2.2 goals per spectator of this farce. (37 “fans” showed up to watch the slaughter.) In its four qualifying matches, Bulgaria was outscored 192-1. I know there’s something to be said for the Olympic spirit, giving it the old college try, Jamaican bobsled team, that kind of thing. But there’s also something to be said for a mercy rule, isn’t there? Stop the game at 25-0 for crying out loud!

Praise the Lord, football season has started. And after merely the first week of competition, my fantasy football season lies in ruins. Thanks Tom Brady. My NFL thoughts for the week:

By far the biggest story of the weekend was the season-ending knee injury to the Golden Boy barely 20 minutes into the game. Patriots coach Bill Belichick has the next sixteen weeks to prove he truly deserves the genius moniker.

Broadway Brett is a hit with the Jets, and Green Bay is now Mr. Rodgers neighborhood. It’s still too early to tell, but it is possible that everyone involved in that whole sordid saga may have made the right decision.

Chargers linebacker and quarterback killer Shawne Merriman realized after one game what he should have figured out months ago; playing football with two torn knee ligaments is a very bad idea. See you next year Shawne.

What on earth happened to the St. Louis Rams? Not too many years ago, this team was known as “the Greatest Show on Turf.” At this point, the guys in the broadcast booth could give these guys a run for their money.

Peyton Manning looked like… well… Eli Manning Sunday night against the Bears. Certainly not what Colts fans were hoping for.

Same old Lions, same old Raiders, same old Bengals. How is that possible? Why are these franchises incapable of putting contenders on the field?

The most disappointing team of the weekend for me by far was the Seattle Seahawks. This perennial playoff team, only two years removed from a Superbowl appearance was beaten into the soggy upstate New York ground by a Bills team devoid of player with a winning record. Embarrassing doesn’t begin to cover it.

My Week 1 Superbowl picks; Dallas Cowboys vs. Pittsburgh Steelers.

Finally tonight, Wide-Stance Larry Craig is back in the news. (I love it when old friends drop by to visit.) Before a three-judge panel at the Minnesota Court of Appeals, Craig’s lawyer argued that his use of hand signals and foot tapping to solicit sex in the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport bathroom is protected by the First Amendment. Right. Hold on a minute, let me check something…. “Congress shall make no law respecting and establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.” Nope. Nothing there about tapping toes to solicit gay sex in public bathrooms. Although, I’m sure every prostitute in America will break out that line the next time a cop pulls him or her over.