House of Cards

Have you checked on your 401K lately?

What a week for John McCain.  Following the debacle of previous weeks in which he claimed the fundamentals of the economy were sound, six hours before declaring the fundamentals of the economy were in crisis, two hours before declaring he was actually referring to the American worker, McCain began this past week determined to overcome his admitted weakness with regard to the economy.  Attempting to jolt himself out of a post-Lehman Bros. poll slump, he announced Tuesday afternoon – much to the dismay and agitation of David Letterman whose show he was scheduled to appear on – that he would be suspending his campaign and returning to Washington to inject himself into the negotiations on the 700 billion dollar bailout package.  He felt this mission was so important, he informed the public he would not appear at the first scheduled debate with Senator Obama that Friday night unless a solution to the crisis had been reached.  So, McCain rode into D.C. on his white horse (of conquest?), called a few Senators and Congressmen on the phone, proclaimed he was putting his country ahead of his personal ambition (nudge nudge wink wink), accomplished absolutely nothing, and despite repeated declarations that he wouldn’t, showed up for the debate Friday night anyhow.  His campaign released commercials in battleground states claiming he won the debate – on Friday morning, ten hours before the debate had actually taken place.  On Thursday his campaign suggested that perhaps the Friday’s debate should have been rescheduled for October 2, and the vice presidential debate scheduled for that evening be postponed indefinitely.  (The reasons for that became painfully clear when the video of running mate Sarah Palin’s interview with Katie Couric hit the rest of the media.)  Learning nothing from those missteps, McCain announced Monday morning that he was responsible for a new and improved bailout package that now had the votes to get through Congress.  That afternoon, the McCain-brokered bailout package went down in flames on the floor of the House.  So he blamed Obama for the failure.  Maybe he just didn’t remember that Obama isn’t actually a member of the House of Representatives.

John McCain is an impulsive man.  He runs almost entirely on instinct, putting little thought into his decisions and giving little thought to them afterward.  He has admitted as much in his biography.  It should be obvious now – if it wasn’t ten days ago – that a quickly-made decision is not necessarily a good one.  The guy who raises his hand first doesn't always have the right answer.

As previously mentioned, the first presidential debate took place last Friday on the campus of the University of Mississippi. After viewing much of it and reviewing as much commentary as I could stomach, it seems like it was pretty much a wash. McCain was his typical combative, indignant self, while Obama was cool and even-keeled as usual.  But in a national security debate, a draw is somewhat of a win for Obama.  In this case, McCain seems to be a victim of expectations.  National security is supposed to be his wheelhouse, his area of expertise.  He was expected to get up on that stage and blow Obama away. Instead, Barack Obama stood face to face (sort of) with his opponent and looked like he belonged on the platform with him. Snap polls taken after the debate by CNN and CBS indicated that the undecided voters polled felt Obama outperformed McCain in every category but one – he didn’t attack McCain as much as McCain attacked him.  Those results translated to only a slight up-tick in the polls, but with less than five weeks to go, any increase at all could prove significant.

Is it me, or did John McCain fail to look Barack Obama in the eye even once during that entire 90-minute debate? Why?

If you as an interviewee can make Katie Couric look like Bill O’Reilly, you’re doing something terribly wrong.  Sarah Palin sat down for only her third media interview last week with CBS Evening News. In spite of all the blather about her experience and public speaking ability, Couric might as well have been interviewing Tickle-Me Elmo. Seriously. Elmo would have been more coherent.



As tempting as it is, I’m not going to turn the remainder of this column into a Palin-bashing session. But is it personally offensive to me that the Republican Party would nominate this candidate and try to sell her to the American people as more experienced, more intelligent and more prepared to lead this country than a self-made Harvard graduate. They should all be embarrassed.

In a related story, McCain spent many hours last week conferring with Mitt Romney about the economic crisis. If only he had the opportunity to put someone like Romney on the ticket, someone capable of speaking about economics in complete, coherent sentences featuring nouns, verbs, prepositions, adjectives and punctuation. Oh wait, he did have that opportunity. My bad.

On Monday, the Ohio state Supreme Court and two federal judges upheld a ruling by the Secretary of State that allows new voters to both register and cast an absentee ballot on the same day between September 30, the first day of early voting, and October 6, the deadline for voter registration. The state Republican Party asked the 6th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals to overturn the decision on the grounds that it violated Ohio law and invited voter fraud. Of course, while they were arguing this before the court, they were also encouraging first-time voters to register Republican and cast an absentee ballot for John Mccain on the same day. Even though it was illegal and invited voter fraud. Wrap your head around that one.

A report issued by the Justice Department’s Inspector General yesterday detailed widespread politicization of the Justice Department under the leadership - or lack thereof - of former Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, all in direct violation of the department’s policies and civil service laws prohibiting discrimination in hiring based on political or ideological affiliation. Right. Next they’ll try to tell me Clay Aiken is gay. Seriously, how did we get to this point? Doesn’t it bother anyone that the highest law enforcement office in the country was turned into a punch-line for late-night comedians? For all his failures, Gonzalez did succeed at one thing. He somehow managed to make people forget all about Janet Reno.

Behold another tidbit of useless information. The official inflation rate of Zimbabwe is 11.2 million percent. That is not a misprint. So, if you had $11 million today, next September - assuming that rate remained steady, you would be $200,000 in debt. At what point do you just scrap the entire system and start over?

My NFL thoughts for Week 4.

Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis finally did what he’s been wanting to do for six months and fired his head coach, replacing him with some guy named Tom. Anyone who’s seen a press conference with former coach Lane Kiffin over the past four weeks knows he’s basically been trying to get himself fired. During the off-season he discovered that he as the head coach had absolutely no control over his staff or his team. But he was determined to make Davis get up in front of a camera in his ridiculous sparkling velvet track suit and explain that to everyone else. Maybe Mike Shanahan is looking for an Al Davis castaway to sit on the sidelines with him and pout.

The 0-4 St. Louis Rams also fired their coach Monday morning, replacing him with their defensive coordinator. Unfortunately, their defensive coordinator used to be the head coach of the previously hapless New Orleans Saints, who under his leadership never had a winning record. Seems a little like plugging the cracks in the dam with chewing gum.

At 39 years-of-age, Brett Favre did something he’s never done before. And at that age you don’t get to say that very often. Favre threw six touchdown passes in 30 minutes of football on Sunday, leading the New York Jets to a 56-35 victory over the Cardinals and my fantasy team to an 0-4 start. Damn you Brett Favre! Damn you!

Even the Chiefs are doing better than I am. How lame is that? Did the Broncos even field a defense on Sunday?

Dallas fell to Washington Sunday evening, sparking complaints from pro bowl wide receiver diva, prima donna and all-round pain in the butt, Terrell Owens. Despite being the target of approximately 1/3 of the Cowboys offensive plays, Owens complained to his quarterback, his coaches and to the media that he didn’t like the play selection and wasn’t getting the ball enough. Romo was too busy making out with Jessica Simpson to pay him any attention, but the media gave him all the time he wanted. Give them a couple more losses and watch how fast Romo becomes Donovan McNabb and the Cowboys turn into the 2005 Eagles.

In spite of themselves, the Chicago Bears are pretty good.

My Superbowl picks for Week 4: Dallas Cowboys vs. Tennessee Titans.

In lighter news this week, seven-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong has decided he really doesn’t like sitting on his couch collecting money from his Live Strong bracelet empire. So, he’s gong back to cycling. In fact, he plans to make a run at another Tour de France riding for a team from Kazakhstan. I’m sure there’s a joke here somewhere, but I doubt I can pronounce it.

Police were called to a Philadelphia Phillies game on a report of suspicious objects some people thought were pipe bombs. Turns out they were actually hot dogs wrapped in duct tape, designed to be fired from a hot dog cannon into the crowd by the Phillies mascot. Wow. First burritos mistaken for shotguns, now hot dogs mistaken for pipe bombs. Do we need any more evidence that portion sizes are out of control in this country?

Finally, refusing to outdone by a B-list star like Clay Aiken, Lindsay Lohan revealed the second-worst-kept secret in America. That’s right guys, Lindsay likes the ladies. Older women at that. For those of you who don’t know, Lohan has been dating 31-year-old DJ Samantha Ronson (nine years her senior) for some time now. Lindsay has reportedly engaged in drunken jealous screaming matches with one of the Olsen twins over Ronson, while Ronson appears to have purchased Lohan a $22,000 diamond ring for her birthday. I hope Miley Cyrus is paying very close attention to all this. She’s looking at herself in the mirror six years from now.

Financial crisis wisdom of the week:
Vote for the guy with one house. If he loses it, he’ll be homeless.
- Chris Rock