Rubberneckers

Ever have one of those days where you know you should have stayed in bed? Guess that'll teach me to read the contest rules before spending five weeks writing the entry. Argh! In light of that, this week’s recap will be short and somewhat curt.

Welcome to Aftermath Wednesday. This is about the 300th Aftermath Wednesday of this political season and proves to be about as useful as the 299 preceding it. Barack Obama scored a 14 point victory in North Carolina and lost a two-point squeaker to Hillary Clinton in Indiana. In terms of providing a decisive end to this dog-and-pony show, the “Basketball Primaries” accomplished nothing. But the nature of the outcome of both contests virtually ensures that - barring a nuclear implosion - Senator Obama will wrap up the nomination and face Senator McCain in the fall. Senator Clinton has chosen to ignore this fact, desperately attempt to get the spoiler, bratty, petulant delegates of Michigan and Florida seated, and hope that the Democratic party is stupid enough take the nomination away from the man with the most delegates and the most votes, and give it to her. Six primaries remain, three of which favor Senator Clinton. Rumor is she will continue the race through the last contest on June 3, and then take it from there. So, unfortunately, this pointless exercise will continue “so that all voices can be heard,” (which never seemed to matter in any primary election cycle prior to this one) despite the fact that the outcome has already been determined. What’s that definition of insanity again? Leave it to the Democratic party to throw into doubt an election which really should be winnable by a poorly trained chimpanzee in khakis and a button-down shirt.

The FBI raided the Office of Special Council this morning, seizing computers and documents and sequestering the director until the raid was completed. Apparently the head of the office, Scott J. Bloch, is under investigation for abusing his authority, failing to prosecute legitimate cases, providing political favors to cronies, and then attempting to destroy evidence by hiring a computer tech company to purge his and other office computers. Bloch attempted to explain his actions by saying he was merely trying to eliminate a virus from his computer. Right. And I made out with my high school prom queen and both of her twin sisters in my private jet on the way to Hawaii. People not trying to cover up nefarious deeds might have tried to eliminate the virus WITHOUT destroying all their other documents. But I guess you can’t really blame Scott for his idiocy. What’s the point of being in a position of power if you can’t completely abuse that power and the people who work for you?

Somewhere between 22,000 and 100,000 people are feared dead following a cyclone in Myanmar/Burma this past weekend. If the larger number is correct, this would be the worst disaster since the 2004 Indonesian tsunami. Add that to the eruption of a Chilean volcano which has force thousands to flee their homes and spread it’s dust and ash cloud 19 miles high and 800 miles east to Buenos Aires and you have Disasterpalooza. Typically the media grabs a hold of Disasterpalooza by the throat and chokes the life out of it with 24/7 coverage. But they seem to be too busy gasping breathlessly over a now meaningless primary campaign. Never thought I would see the day undecided voters in West Virginia would beat out mayhem death and destruction for air time.

The Olympic Torch has reached the summit of Mt. Everest. And I moved my lawn on Sunday, so what? Whoopty-freakin-doo. I’m a little tired of this torch business. Let’s just get on with the games so we can win some medals.

A narcotics investigation at San Diego State University resulted in the arrests of 96 people (75 of them students), the suspension of six fraternities, seizure of over two kilograms of various hard drugs $60,000 in cash. One of the students arrested was about to receive a degree in criminal justice, while another was set to earn a masters in homeland security. Ah, the future leaders of tomorrow. College is certainly a little different from the way I remember it.

Magician, illusionist and oddity David Blaine set a world record this week by holding his breath underwater for 17 minutes, 4 seconds. While impressive by any measure, unless Blaine is preparing himself to be waterboarded, the entire exercise seems somewhat pointless. Of course that comment comes from someone who has yet to accomplish anything nearly as interesting, so feel free to take that for what it’s worth.

Iranian officials have issued a warning about the clear and present danger of Barbie dolls. Apparently several members of the country’s judiciary feel the molded plastic anatomically incorrect representations of the “ideal” American female is dangerous and culturally destructive to Iranian society - in ways that honor killings and stoning of adulters simply aren’t. How about that. Another story that writes its own jokes.

Finally, “Talk Sex” is ending its six season run on the Oxygen network this coming Sunday night. For those of you who don’t know, “Talk Sex” is a television call-in show based on a Canadian radio talk-show started in 1984 by now 77-year-old Toronto-based nurse Sue Johanson, who offered frank, practical advise on sex and sexual health-related matters. It certainly doesn’t sound like much, but the show is/has been Oxygen’s highest rated, and has developed somewhat of a cult following over the years. No one can really explain why, as it is nothing more than what looks and sounds like your grandmother, sitting in a fairly plain studio, explaining to young people who really should know better, the correct way to apply a condom or utilize a “marital aid.” But maybe that’s just it. The thought of your grandmother dispensing sexual advise and answering the most absurd sexual questions with a straight face is such a train wreck to most people that they simply can’t look away. Damn rubberneckers.