...And To All A Good Night.

Happy Boxing Day everyone! For those of you who don’t know, December 26 is Boxing Day – in all territories once under the rule of the British Empire. (Sorry America.) Traditionally, people would box up their leftovers and take them to those less fortunate than themselves. Of course now it’s just another excuse for a sale, but we won’t dwell on that. Anyway, in the spirit of the season (and here I’m referring to shameless commercialism), I hope everyone had a great Christmas, and received at least some of what you were hoping for.

No week in review this week. I’m on vacation and so is everything else. If I don’t watch the news there is no news, right. However, I did run across one Christmas-related story I found amusing. Last week a Danbury, Connecticut woman was charged with groping the mall Santa Claus. Apparently it’s not enough to simply sit on Santa’s lap anymore. After the shocked, embarrassed and un-named mall Santa complained to police about the molestation, police scoured the mall and quickly identified and apprehended the culprit - one Sandrama Lamy – due to the fact that she was on crutches. Yes, crutches. Certainly not the most efficient getaway vehicle, are they. But the absolute best part of the article is the following paragraph, which I have included below, unedited, and in its entirety.

“Santa Tim” Connaghan, president of RealSnatas.com, teaches hundreds of prospective Santas a year and said he’s never heard of a similar incident, though it’s not unusual for adult to want to pose with Santa. “I’ve had some very nice ladies sit on my lap,” Connaghan said. “Once in a while they’ll say ‘I hope Mrs. Claus isn’t going to be upset.’ You have to be discreet and kind and say ‘Oh no, she’ll be OK. You can sit here, but only for one photo.”

Hold on… can’t type… laughing too hard. Okay. I’m fine now. First, RealSantas.com? Seriously? There’s a website that “trains” people to put on a fuzzy red suit and say ho ho ho? Really? Once again, I am in the wrong line of work. And second, women really try to hit on Santa? A gray-bearded overweight dude who lives a sleigh ride from any decent shopping and plays with elves? Is it the little red hat that does it? If I had known it was that easy…

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

I hate winter. More accurately, I hate shoveling snow. Who will rid me of this troublesome snow? Hopefully the same person who will bring me some interesting news stories. What a dry week.

Why do we play? Help me out Herm Edwards. We play to win the game. Apparently, Baltimore Ravens coach Brian Billick didn’t get the memo. That, or he just crumpled it up and threw it away. With 12 seconds left, the ball on the opponent’s one foot line, the clock stopped and no time outs, Billick elected to kick the game tying field goal instead of taking a shot at the end zone to try to win the game outright. Couple this with the Ravens inexplicable failure to center the ball between the hash marks for a Matt Stover field goal which could have redeemed them (had he not missed it just wide left) their opponent, the abysmal Miami Dolphins - who until yesterday had won a grand total of zero games all year long - proceeded to capture their first victory on a 63 yard pass from their psychic citrus quarterback Cleo Lemon to some guy named Greg in the ensuing overtime period. I was convinced that a Ravens defense led by the indomitable Ray Lewis simply had too much pride to allow themselves to be defeated by a team as dismal as the Dolphins - especially after coming to within three feet of defeating what may turn out to be the greatest football team in history two weeks ago. But I guess all the defensive pride in the world is useless if your coach and your offense don’t share it. So can we finally please stop hearing how much of an offensive genius Brian Billick is? An offensive genius would play to win the game. If you play not to lose, you certainly don’t deserve to win.

Note to Dallas Cowboys pretty boy Tony Romo, leave your girlfriends at home. Especially if her name is Jessica Simpson. I don’t want to make this into something it’s not, but there’s no denying the simple fact the two games to which Romo has brought his flavor of the month (previously American Idolette Carrie Underwood) have been two of worst games of his career. I understand that the whole point of being a superstar is to get the hot chicks, but you just can’t bring them to work. You don’t see Tom Brady bringing his supermodel girlfriend to Patriot games, do you? The moral of this story, blondes are bad for business.

In a sports related story, former senator George Mitchell released a report four years in the making on the subject of steroids in professional baseball. The report lists 90 current and former players - including the likes of New York Yankees pitchers Roger Clements and Andy Pettitte - and provides evidence of the purchase and use of performance enhancing drugs by said players. Of course, now that the report is out, the league, the owners and the union are all rushing to the first television camera they can find to explain to anyone who will listen how much of a travesty this is and how hard they are working to ensure the game is cleaned up, while the players’ lawyers all cued up behind one another to vehemently deny any wrongdoing. The problem with this report is that it comes about fifteen years too late. Since at least the early nineties everyone has at least suspected - if not known that steroids were rampant in baseball. But no one wanted to do anything about it. Why? To put it simply, “chicks dig the long ball.” Juiced up players crushing juiced up baseballs over the shorter fences of smaller ballparks were raking in money hand over fist. Testing players for performance enhancing substances would have lowered the rate of their use, which would have decrease the rate of offensive production and cut into revenues. And baseball simply couldn’t allow a little thing like substance abuse get in the way of profits. So they continued to ignore the issue until Congress threatened to revoke their anti-trust immunity if they didn’t at least pretend to address it. Ironically, Major League Baseball’s failure to address steroids sooner seems to have worked to their advantage. Things have been rumored and suspected for so long that now that an official “truth” has been revealed - nobody cares. Baseball players cheat, ho hum, tell us something we didn’t know. It’s sad that we seem to be at the point where we accept cheating as just another part of the game, but I guess on some level, we get exactly what we deserve.

The State of New Jersey has voted to eliminate capital punishment and replace it with life in prison without the possibility of parole. This is really something of a symbolic gesture as New Jersey has not executed anyone since 1963. But the interesting angle to this story is that one of the death row inmates who’s sentences were commuted happens to be the monster who raped and murdered 7-year-old Megan Kanka - the 1994 crime that inspired “Megan’s Law”. It’s difficult for me to know what to make of this story. On the one hand, I am no proponent of capital punishment. Too many things can go wrong in the judicial process to attempt to exact such a final punishment, and the state should not be in the business of murdering people. But on the other hand, people who murder 7-year-old kids do not deserve the courtesies we typically extend to civilized human beings. Fortunately it isn’t something we’ll have to give much thought to as this creep will expire in prison.

In an unrelated Garden State story, in a scene straight out of the Shawshank Redemption, two inmates escaped the Union County Jail over the weekend leaving behind dummies in their beds, posters of bikini-clad women covering their escape routes and a note wishing the prison authorities a happy holidays. However, Union County officials aren’t laughing. Maybe they just lack a sense of humor. Maybe they’re just a little upset that they were taken in by the old hole-behind-the-poster trick.

Finally, both the Democratic and Republican presidential candidates held their final debates before the Iowa caucuses. I didn’t watch either of them, (thankfully) so I can’t say whether or not anything came of them, but if I were to hazard a guess I’d say they were completely useless. However, there have been some interesting shifts in the poll numbers. Obama and Huckabee are up, Clinton and Romney are down, and for some reason people continue to give money to Ron Paul. If people (Ron Paul supporters) are really that desperate to throw away their money, there’s a large green trash bin out in front of my house specifically designed to receive large bills. It’ll be there ‘till New Year’s Day. I also take cheques. And money orders.

...Or Your Money Back

I don’t know if anyone’s noticed, but there’s some guy in Dallas named Romo who thinks he’s some guy in Boston named Brady. He may have terrible taste in blondes, but I’m sure those victories taste pretty good. I much as I hate to admit it, Tony Romo and his Dallas Cowboys have proven at least three times this season that great players and great teams just find ways to win. Of course, the Detroit Lions deserve a little credit too – for artfully snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. After playing what could have been the second best 58 minutes of football they’ve played al season, the inability of the Lions to gain one final first down, kick a 40+ yard field goal, recover a fumble dropped in their laps and prevent Dallas from traversing the length of the field to in the final minute to beat them by a single point was absolutely astounding. Despite earlier indications to the contrary, it is pretty evident now that these are the same old Lions.

After two consecutive weeks of hanging on by their fingernails, the still perfect New England Patriots stepped up and laid the smack down on a tough Pittsburg Steelers team in a statement to the entire league that they are still running this show. After guaranteeing a victory earlier in the week, Steelers back-up safety Anthony Smith guaranteed himself a spot in Randy Moss and Jabar Gaffney’s highlight reels, getting beaten for touchdowns on at least three different plays. Remember when the sports guarantee used to mean something? Like ‘Broadway’ Joe Namath guaranteeing a victory in Superbowl III – and delivering one. Like Babe Ruth pointing to left field, then crushing the ball into the cheap seats for a home run. Now guarantees are made by guys named Smith who no one’s ever heard of and who can’t deliver the goods. How I long for the good old days.

If you want to see a grown man cry, keep an eye (and maybe a video camera) on the Man-genius on the New York sideline this Sunday when the Jets putter into Foxboro, only to be shoveled out with the snow drifts three hours later. I’d be willing to bet the coach won’t be the only Jet with icicles forming on his face after Brady puts up 70 points on them. They’ll be wishing they were back in Miami.

In a football related story, former Atlanta Falcons quarterback and admitted canine killer Michael Vick was sentenced today to 23 months in prison for his roll in an illegal dog-fighting ring. Vick appeared in court chewing gum and wearing what he may have mistaken for a referee’s uniform, displaying no emotion as the judge read his pronouncement. So, for almost the next two years, Vick and his cohorts will spend their time inside the cages, while the dogs patrol outside. I think there may be a little justice there somewhere.

Mitt Romney gave what has been referred to as his “John Kennedy” speech on religion in politics last week. According to numerous opinion polls, there is a significant portion of the electorate unwilling to vote for a Mormon president based solely on the fact he or she is a Mormon. Being a Mormon, Romney felt the need to address this fact in an attempt calm those voters fearing the unknown of a Mormon presidency. So, former governor Romney stood before a small crowd at the George H.W. Bush Presidential Library and explained that he is a man of faith (Mormon faith), his faith has shaped his values, and his values will determine his actions as president, not his faith. Which shaped his values. The speech was surprisingly well received. I say surprisingly because I’m not sure what we know about Mitt Romney now that we didn’t know before he spoke. But apparently the act of a politician simply getting up in front of a bunch of people and telling them exactly what they already know is enough to swing a few votes in the candidate’s favor. Who says you can’t get something for nothing?

Late last week the CIA admitted they had destroyed videotapes they had made of the interrogations of several terrorism suspects. Word is that said videotapes contain footage of the suspects being subjected to “enhanced” interrogation techniques – including the controversial practice of waterboarding. CIA director Michael Hayden said that the tapes were destroyed because they no longer held any intelligence value, were not relevant to any investigation, and the agency needed to protect the identities of the interrogators. Unfortunately for the agency, at least one and probably two of those statements are in dispute. Apparently the CIA is unfamiliar with the “Classified” designation, and I guess that with this administration, “relevant” is and entirely subjective term. Hayden also suggested another reason the proceedings were recorded in the first place was to provide evidence that the interrogations were being conducted lawfully, in accordance with newly authorized guidelines. If that were the case, why would the agency destroy the only physical evidence supporting that claim?

The Supreme Court ruled today by a 7-2 majority that Federal Sentencing Guidelines – at least in reference to narcotics crimes – are just that, guideline. Trial court judges are allowed the discretion to hand down sentences greater or less than those spelled out in the guidelines. This may seem like a no-brainer due to the fact that the Federal Sentencing Guidelines are not the Federal Sentencing Mandates, but this has been a big deal for many years. This case comes from the disparity in sentencing for crack cocaine users versus powder cocaine users. Despite the fact that both addicts use different derivatives of the same drug, the smokers received much more time in prison than the snorters. It also just so happens that most convicted smokers happen to be black, while most convicted snorters happen to be white. So the smokers sued to receive the same sentences as the snorters. I think the smokers might have been better served if they had chosen to, oh, I don’t know, STOP SMOKING CRACK! But I guess equal jail time will have to suffice.

A nineteen-year-old loser took his automatic rifle shopping with him to an Omaha, Nebraska mall last week and killed eight people before turning the gun on himself. His suicide note left the impression he was upset and depressed over being kicked out of his parents’ house, dumped by his girlfriend, and fired from his job at McDonalds. Great, now every time some kid asks me if I want fries with that I have to look over his shoulder for the AK-47. I’m sorry, but this whole murder-suicide thing is getting old. If your life is SO terrible, SO awful that you feel to just HAVE to end it, then PLEASE, kill yourself FIRST, THEN, if you still feel you must, shoot some other people.

In a bizarre – if not obscure story out of Syracuse, New York, about a dozen high school girls, ages 11 to 14 took naked pictures of themselves with their cell phones and sent them to their boyfriends, who of course promptly posted them on the Internet. One of these boys is 17-year-old honor student Michael Wixson, and because he is 17 he has been charged with distributing nude pictures of underage girls. Now maybe I’m old school, but why do 11 year olds even have camera phones, never mind why they feel it is perfectly acceptable to take naked pictures of themselves and send them to people! I’m sure it has something to parenting – or the obvious lack thereof, but I’ll try not to speculate. More importantly, when did kids begin to skip childhood completely and proceed straight to being an adult? Eleven year olds should be throwing snowballs and skateboarding and complaining about having to take piano lessons, not flashing their wares on YouTube and the like. Nudity is for adults, people! Not children! To borrow some words of wisdom from a great animated American, there is a time and a place for everything. It’s called college. If 20-year-old women want to take naked pictures of themselves with their camera phones and send them to people, fine, more power to you. Heck, send them to me if you want. Seriously. Send them. But can we please just let children be children for a while? I have never heard anyone say “you know what, I wish I could have grown up so much faster than I did.”

Finally, in case you thought you had seen everything, the hot new item in death this year is the digital tombstone. That’s right, you can select your favorite headstone design from the manufacturer’s catalog – or design your own if you’re feeling creative, and built into the monument you will receive a weatherproof full color LCD screen activated via infrared sensor displaying audio and video of whatever portion of your life story you or your loved ones choose to include. So now, even when you are gone, you’re never really gone. Am I the only one who finds this more than a little disturbing? Didn’t get your 15 minutes of fame while you were alive? No problem, film something special and make the six o’clock after you’re dead. Don’t like that crazy annoying uncle, record yourself cutting him out of the will and play it at your grave forever and ever. I think there is something to be said for being dead and gone. Everybody dies. Don’t digitally haunt everyone once you’ve moved on.

Conspiracy I Tell You. A c-o-n... spiracy.

Ah Monday. A little overtime at work, a little homemade spaghetti sauce, a little more football on television. It’s almost like I have a real life.

Football first. Who kidnapped the New England Patriots? Someone please explain to me how a team can be so utterly dominant through ten games, and so average through the next two?

Anyway, the goat of the week goes to Hall of Fame coach Joe Gibbs. With four seconds left in the game and his team leading by two, Gibbs called a timeout to ice Buffalo place kicker Rian Lindell prior to his 51 yard game-winning attempt. Then, right before Lindell laced into his do-over, Gibbs called timeout again. Only one problem. You can’t call consecutive timeouts. It’s illegal. Against the rules. Can’t do it. And everybody know that. Everyone - except Joe Gibbs. With the week the Washington Redskins had, they really needed some good news. And for a coaching legend to lose the game on a rookie mistake just says all you need to know about the kind of season Washington is having.

Co-goat of the week goes to last year’s coach of the year, Sean Payton. With his Saints in control of the ball and a three point lead with three minutes to play, Payton inexplicably called a bone-headed flea-flicker running-back pitch wide-receiver reverse kinda something, which was subsequently fumbled and turned into the winning touchdown for the opposing Buccaneers. I simply can’t believe that was the best play Payton could find on his little laminated sheet. It’s bad enough losing to a bunch of pirates. But to go out on a play that should never even have been called is again, all you need to know about the kind of season the Saints are having.

In a welcome reversal of fortune, Sudaneese president Omar al-Bashir has pardoned British schoolteacher Gillian Gibbons and sent her on her way back to England. Gibbons originally ran afoul of local law when she allowed the class she was teaching to name a teddy bear after the prophet Mohammed. Ms. Gibbons is said to be in high spirits and wishes to remain in Sudan and continue teaching. Well, Ms. Gibbons is obviously a little crazy. Less than a week ago, angry men waving swords in the streets were calling for her to be executed. Take the job and shove it Ms. Gibbons. You have a free ticket out of one of the most dysfunctional countries in the world. Take it and run.

In report released today, U.S. Intelligence admitted that Iran is not currently attempting to build nuclear weapons, and hasn’t been since 2003. This is decidedly different from what the administration and every like-minded presidential candidate has been contending since the “Axis of Evil” speech. The administration was quick to add however, that Iran could restart the program at any time and must still be considered a threat. I think I’m feeling a little deja vu. I’d swear there was some other country the administration declared to be a weapons of mass destruction clear and present danger - until it was discovered it was not a clear and present danger, and the rational became they could at some point be a clear and present danger - oh, and they’re really bad guys too. At least we got this one straightened out before we went in with guns blazing.

International superstar and all around good-looking guy Brad Pitt has announced that he will donate 5 million dollars of his own money to finance the construction of 150 homes in New Orleans devastated 9th Ward. Kudos to Brad - and to all the others who have put their names and money on the line to help rebuild one of America’s great cities. This could also be an opportunity for Pitt to raise a little additional money for his rebuilding effort. Even thought he is now firmly planted in middle age at 43 years old, I believe there are still many women - and maybe even some men (paging Larry Craig?) who might exchange a small donation for the opportunity to pound some nails, wire some sockets and fit some pipes with a shirtless, rippling muscle-bound Mr. Angelina Jolie. He could turn it into some sort of reality show. Build It with Brad. Bigger and Better with Brad. Brad’s Bayou Bungalows. Help me out here.

Former pretend district attorney turned presidential candidate Fred Thompson is apparently tired of hearing that he’s not religiously expressive enough to capture the Republican nomination. In an interview with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer (does anyone believe that is his real name?), Thompson responded to those accusations saying, “I’m okay with the Lord, and the Lord is okay with me as far as I can tell.” Now while all of this may be true, and the Lord may very well be “okay” with Fred, I’m a little disturbed by the dogged determination of the Republican candidates to out-disciple one another. There seems to be serious a competition between several - if not most of them to determine which is most pious and deserving of the support of the faithful. The Pharisees would be so proud.

Rumor has it that it is now Tuesday. I can neither confirm nor deny this, but it does feel like I’ve been at work for about a week already.

The Baltimore Ravens played a game for the ages against the best team in football last night - and lost. But instead of taking it like men, they’re whining like little children. Whining doesn’t suit men like Ray Lewis. It makes them look stupid. This isn’t Superbowl XL. There were no phantom holding calls, no goalline touchdowns that weren’t, no cut blocks that weren’t blocks at all. The officials didn’t force the Ravens coaches to call timeout when they shouldn’t have. The officials didn’t hold Patriots receivers in the endzone. The officials didn’t force the Ravens to throw the penalty flags into the stands, or prevent them from gaining a single first down when it mattered in the fourth quarter. The Ravens did all those things. And it cost them the game. But if Baltimore had been playing all year the way they played last night, they wouldn’t be at the bottom of their division and in the midst of a lost season. Quit whining and play football.

At an arena in Pennsylvania over the weekend fans got more than their money’s worth when the Zamboni cleaning the ice suddenly burst into flame and subsequently exploded. Imagine that. You go to a hockey game and an action movie breaks out. Somebody call Gary Bettman. Tell him we may have found a way to get Americans to watch the NHL. Promise a little pyro at the end of the second intermission during every game and in no time league viewership should at least be equal to that of celebrity poker. At least.

Researchers in Japan have discovered that human beings may very well be dumb as rocks. In their experiment, Ayumu the chimp engaged 12 volunteer college students in multiple tests of memory - and whooped them all. In fact, Ayumu correctly recalled the number sequences approximately 80% of the time, while the college students maxed-out at between 30 and 50%. That’s right. In the grand tradition of squirrels that waterski and chickens that play tic-tac-toe, the animal kingdom has once again discovered something it can do better than we can. No word on how much alcohol was consumed by the human test subjects prior to the memory exercises. But it does raise an interesting point. The next time someone tells you a trained monkey could do something, they’re probably right.

Finally, the National Football League has selected Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers to host this year’s Superbowl Halftime Show. Now I realize that I’m one of the six people in the entire country who actually watches the Superbowl for the football and not the commercials, but this halftime show business is getting ridiculous. Seriously, is there no one under the age of 60 capable of strapping on a guitar, cranking up an amplifier and entertaining anyone not buying a six dollar beer or waiting in line for the bathroom? Anybody? How many people in the coveted 18-35 year old male demographic actually know who - or what a Tom Petty is? Don’t get me wrong, I like Tom Petty. You Wreck Me, Mary Jane’s Last Dance, all that great stuff. Nothing wrong with the jolly old geezers. But is it too much to ask to get someone who hasn’t had a hip replacement? Apparently the league is still terrified of another “wardrobe malfunction.” (You may have noticed that no female performer has been allowed near a live broadcast since February 2004.) But wouldn’t you rather risk the wardrobe malfunction than be stuck with guys who fall out of coconut trees and snort their father’s ashes? Looks like another year of the Puppy Bowl at half time. Hmm. Wonder if I can sneak the Lingerie Bowl onto the satellite bill this year.

Skeletons in the Closet?

What do you want in a Presidential candidate? Political Experience? Leadership? Good looks, nice hair, a well tailored suit perhaps? How about honesty? Is honesty truly important in a candidate? Think about it carefully before you answer, because what people say and what they really believe are apparently two different things.

Consider the following. In his book “The Audacity of Hope,” as well as several speaking engagements, Senator Barack Obama admits that there was a time in his life when he engaged in some unwise behavior – in particular, his high school experimentation with alcohol and drugs. He has also stated, in no uncertain terms, that his drug use was a mistake of his youth and certainly something he is not proud of. Some people might call such disclosure honesty from a politician. Others, like former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney call that “unwise.”

According to governor Romney, “in order to leave the best possible example for our kids, (why is everything about the kids?) we’re probably not wisest to talk about our own indiscretions in great detail.” These words of wisdom contain a couple, oh, let’s call them errors, but one overarching truth.

First, simply stating that one has used drugs and alcohol does not constitute a description in “great detail.” For a description of drug use in great detail, rent Trainspotting or Pulp Fiction.

Second, kids may be a lot things, but they are not stupid. They may act stupid, they may do stupid things and they might make stupid decisions, but they are not stupid. They know a phony when they see one. Do you think there was one kid in America who believed Bill Clinton when he made the asinine statement that he tried marijuana but didn’t inhale? Everybody knows he inhaled – probably more than once – on multiple occasions. Do you think there was one high school or college kid in America who believed Bill Clinton when he said he did not have sex with that woman? We certainly were HOPING that the President of the United States of America could do better than Monica Lewinsky, but we all KNEW better. Nothing damages your credibility with kids more than telling them something is one way, then having them find out later on that it isn’t. We defer to soldiers in discussions of military tactics, we defer to physicians in discussions of medicine, why would we not assign greater credibility to someone who has defeated the demons of drugs and alcohol when discussing their harmful effects with children?

Those two minor details aside, the implication of Romney’s statement is absolutely correct. He is well aware of one simple fact. The voting public is extremely uncomfortable with the idea of an honest candidate. It simply doesn’t make any sense. If a candidate were truly honest, why would he or she need a team of handlers and public relations personnel to control his or her image in the media? It doesn’t matter how revealing a candidate is, people will always assume that there is a deeper, darker, dirtier secret tucked away in their closet. We don’t want the truth about our elected officials straight from the source, we want it from the breathless CNN reporter live on the scene with the hastily prepared notes, the producer breaking in on the earpiece, and the stupid quote from the wacky neighbor. We don’t want honesty. We want scandal. Because it doesn’t feel like the truth unless we “discover” it for ourselves. Then - and only then – after we have outed them and shamed them and demanded they repent their sins and throw themselves on the mercy of the public, then we inform them that this entire charade could have been avoided if they had just been honest with everyone to begin with. “If only he had just come out and told everyone that he tried drugs in high school, realized they were dangerous and never touched them again we would have understood and not penalized him for it.” Right?

I don’t have an explanation for the gotcha culture we so gleefully embrace. Nor and I gullible enough to believe that in most cases, honesty from a politician is anything more than an attempt to cover his or her butt from any future scandal. But every now and then it is refreshing to run across a candidate who is unafraid to discuss at least a portion of his past most others would be too afraid to confront. Someone who feels that sometimes more information, presented in context, really is better than less. I think I know who’s America I’d rather live in.

Aliens in America

I hope everyone is finished with the turkey hangovers and well into the Christmas spirit. Lord knows the retailers are. Of course they’ve been jingling the bells since the day after Halloween. Why can’t we just focus on one holiday at a time - preferably in chronological order?

The Dumbass of the Week award goes - without question - to Denver Broncos punter and kickoff “specialist” Todd Sauerbrun. Not only did he waste a considerable amount of videotape and ink trash talking the greatest kick returner in the history of football, he actually displayed the hubris to kick him the ball! Not once, but twice! Both of which (one punt and one kick-off) were promptly returned for touchdowns. And as if sounding stupid and feeling stupid weren’t bad enough, Sauerbrun also made himself look ridiculous being hurdled by Hester on one return and juked out of his shoes in a feeble attempt to make a tackle on the other. Oh, and did I mention he also had a punt blocked? I’m not sure what he was thinking when he did those things - or if he was thinking at all, but one thing is for certain, Todd Sauerbrun ain’t no Josh Brown.

The city of San Francisco has banned the use of plastic grocery bags within the city limits. The city council has decided plastic bags take up too much room in landfills, damage the environment, and are just too darn convenient for its socially enlightened citizens. There is no word as yet on how this will affect the ability of the city’s homeless to collect the bottles and cans to return for the deposits. However, baggers will now be required to ask customers, “will that be paper or six acne-ridden teenaged boys to carry your seventeen paper bags up the three-hundred foot, sixty-degree incline to your apartment?”

According to a CNN report, ankle deep snowdrifts are sparking spontaneous snowball fights in parts of Texas. I realize CNN is a fairly reputable news organization, but that report is completely false. There is no such thing as an ankle deep snowdrift. Ankle deep snowfall, perhaps. But ankle deep snowdrifts do not exist. A snowdrift requires a considerable volume of snow - at least enough to build up into something resembling a mound or hill. A mound the size of ones ankle can be considered little more than a rut. Apparently the snowdrifts are the only things that are not bigger in Texas.

Doctors discovered this morning that Vice President Cheney suffers from an irregular heartbeat stemming from atrial fibrillation. I didn’t realize androids had atriums. It may be time to bring the real Cheney out of the bunker for a second round of cloning.

Authorities in the Netherlands arrested Joran van der Sloot for the millionth time Monday and shipped him back to Aruba, where he and Kalpoe brothers Deepak and Satish face charges of “involvement in the voluntary manslaughter of Natalee Holloway, or causing serious bodily harm to Natalee Holloway, resulting in her death.” Though we’ve been down this road before, and a body has yet to be found, Aruban authorities believe they may now have enough evidence to finally put this case to rest. I hope they’re right. The fewer unsolved disappearances of pretty white women, the better off the rest of us will be.

This coming Wednesday, CNN will waste everybody’s evening yet again with another YouTube debate – this time with the Republican candidates. The first time this happened viewers were treated to video after webcam video of yahoos donning costumes and stupid hats, and singing or acting out the same lame questions every debate moderator has asked since Kennedy made Nixon look like a stiff sweaty used car salesman in 1960. (Why is it that if you give someone a webcam they will immediately make an idiot of themselves) Then to top it off, we were told that this worthless pile of crap was great, and fantastic and the wave of the future. I can’t wait for round two. Seriously. Let’s hurry up and get this over with so I can go back to watching squirrels bury acorns in my front lawn.

State prosecutors have charged Dover, New Hampshire congressional candidate Gary Dodds of faking a car accident and disappearance in April in order to gain publicity for his 2006 Congressional campaign. After a 24 hour large scale search, Dodds was found with what his lawyer described as a concussion, situational amnesia, severe frostbite and nerve damage.” How terrible is your campaign that the best idea you can come up with is to careen into oncoming traffic, slither away from the wreckage and hide out in the woods for a day in what must have been inappropriate clothing? On second thought, maybe that’s why your campaign went so poorly.

Puerto Rican beauty queen Ingrid Marie Rivera won the right to represent her island at the 2008 Miss Universe pageant, despite first having her gowns stolen, then later having her make-up and collection of new evening gowns coated with pepper spray. Sorta lends a whole new meaning to the term “spicy Latina woman.” I know, bad joke, I’m sorry. Apparently people confused this beauty contest with an episode of the Jerry Springer Show. Take a step back people. It’s women in hideous one-piece swimsuits, strutting around in heels and praying for world peace. Not Survivor Puerto Rico.

Finally, in what may be the best Associated Press story of the week, the state of New Mexico has kicked off a new tourism campaign featuring “drooling, grotesque office workers from outer space chatting about their personal lives.” In an oblique reference to New Mexico’s world - and perhaps galaxy famous Roswell incident of 1947, the space alien conversations all lead back to the tag line that New Mexico might be “the best place in the universe.” Never having been there I can neither confirm nor deny the truth of that statement, but that is one seriously funny ad campaign. Of course, like all good advertisements, these have their detractors. Critics say the ads reduce the standards of the state and fail to feature the things New Mexico is known for. Okay, what is New Mexico known for? I have no idea. Colorado has skiing; Arizona has the Grand Canyon, Nevada has casinos, California has the ocean, Utah has Mormons, and New Mexico has... aliens, right? It seems like almost everything one could find in New Mexico could be found in any of the surrounding states. So in order to differentiate from the neighbors, you have to pick something that makes you unique and play that up. And if that something just happens to be aliens, then so be it. Perhaps the particular type of alien needs revision - a little less like Starship Troopers, a little more like ALF. But they came a REALLY long way to visit, and they didn’t stop off in the Napa Valley, or at a golf course in Flagstaff, or drop fifty large at the MGM Grand. They came to New Mexico damn it! A desert in the middle of a desert! Embrace it. It’s your heritage. As weird and freaky as that may be.

Gobble Gobble

I’m going to try something new tonight. Writing the blog while watching the game. What could possibly go wrong? (I’ve already spelled seven words wrong.)

If any of you Pop Warner kids out there want to see how a running back is supposed to make a block, get a tape (or some sort of digital media recording) of Jacksonville / San Diego game Sunday afternoon and watch Maurice Jones-Drew’s block of Shawne Merriman - over and over again. Jones-Drew, who gives up 9 inches and 64 pounds to Merriman, stood his ground, stuck his helmet into the linebacker’s chest, and laid Merriman flat on his butt, allowing his quarterback to get off a hastle-free lob to the end-zone for a touchdown. Pound for pound, in all the football games I’ve watched, I have never seen a better block. Never.

Another football note, who said professional athletes are only in it for the money. In what may have been a touchdown-saving tackle, Seattle kicker Josh Brown ran several yards with the greatest kick-returner in the history of the NFL, took a wicked stiff-arm to the face, hung on for dear life and dragged him to the turf with a thud audible in the press box. He’s a kicker, he does not get paid to do that. No one would have blamed him if he had ran screaming like a little girl from the trail of scorched and blazing earth in Devin Hester’s wake. But he decided he wanted to be a real football player and go out a make a tackle. Then, as if that enough, Brown pops up off the ground like a pogo stick and starts flexing his guns and pointing to the name on the back of his jersey. One step at a time Josh. Make two tackles, then you can flex. Oh, by the way, a field goal try passing through the uprights is good, regardless of where the ball eventually ends up, and the New England Patriots blew out another CFL team on their way to an undefeated season. Ho hum, just another day at the office.

Michael Vick (remember him?) turned himself in to U.S. Marshals today to begin serving whatever sentence he will receive from the federal judge on December 10th of this year. He is reportedly most likely facing 18 to 24 months in jail for his illegal gambling and dogfighting activities. During his stay there’s a pretty good chance Vick will run into a few dogs - only this time he’ll find himself on the wrong end of the leash.

After alluding the next edition of his sorry excuse for a television show would feature A-list celebrity talent, reports indicate “The Donald” could round up no better than the likes of Stephen “yes I’m also a” Baldwin and Gene “the Tongue” Simmons. Is anyone surprised by this? Why would anyone with a real career subject themselves to being berated week in and week out by two hundred pounds of hot air and hair gel? What could an appearance on “The Apprentice possibly do for them, make them famous?

In the first of the two most ridiculous stories of the week, pop tarts everywhere can barely contain their excitement over the upcoming reunion tour of the British girls groups the Spice Girls. If anyone ever needed justification for the Revolutionary War, there it is.

And in stupid story number two, a 35 year-old Tampa Florida man hung on to a 12-foot statue of Disney’s “Hannah Montana” for six days in order to win tickets to a concert of the statue’s namesake. Yes, you read correctly, 35 year-old man, six days, “Hannah Montana”. Call me overly sensitive, but I think there might be something a little creepy about a middle-aged man taking six days off of work to hug a statue of a 14 year-old girl for some free tickets. Sounds like the kind of guy you may want to keep an eye on if you see him getting a little too cozy with the half-naked mannequins in Victoria’s Secret. Couple this with the scalping of “Hannah Montana” tickets for upwards of a thousand dollars, and the lawsuit filed against the “Hannah Montana Fan Club” for promising first crack at concert tickets, then not providing first crack at concert tickets, and it adds up to the biggest parental pain in the ass since Furby and Tickle Me Elmo. At least you could take the batteries out of Elmo.

In an interview with CNN’s Larry King, the perpetually angry Fred Goldman vowed to pursue and hold Simpson accountable for his son’s death, and continue to do so until Simpson’s death. I used to feel bad for Fred Goldman. I think O.J. hired better lawyers than were employed by the State of California and was able to escape justice. But in the years following the trial, since his victory in civil court, Fred Goldman has made it his life’s obsession to make O.J.’s life a living hell. While I support his right to be a thorn in O.J.’s side, there comes a point where you have to let the past be the past and get on with your life. And for whatever reason, Goldman seems to be unable to do this. Every breath he takes, every cent he makes is spent plotting O.J.’s misery, and that’s no way for anyone to live. When you dedicate you whole life to someone else - whether you intend to or not - you not only give them power over you, you risk losing your identity. O.J. has Fred Goldman wrapped around his finger, and Goldman is well on his way to losing his identity to Simpson - if he hasn’t done so already.

Taking a page from the Republican political playbook, the Senate Democrats have effectively blocked President Bush from making any recess appointments during the Thanksgiving recess by taking a non-recess recess. For the next two weeks, a couple (or fewer) senators will show up at the Capitol and essentially do nothing. How this differs from a regular session of Congress I don’t know, but it apparently enough to prevent the President from simply doing whatever he pleases. Strange, isn’t it. After all the attempts by the House and Senate to pass legislation and change direction, all they had to do was not show up to work. Take a vacation, solve your problems. Doesn’t get any better than that. Not sure that would go over too well at my job.

In a story of mainly local interest, the once proud Fighting Irish of Notre Dame football team has won all of two games this season. The Irish desperately need a victory over the Stanford Cardinals this coming weekend to avoid the worst season in school history. Charlie Weis’ third year as head coach has been an unmitigated disaster, with the program now the laughing stock of the NCAA. Despite the best efforts of some, you can’t blame the black man (read Tyrone Willingham) for this one. If Michigan coach Lloyd Carr can be forced out after an 8 and 4 season, what should a 2 and 10 season earn Charlie Weis?

Finally, in the spirit of Thanksgiving (sort of), five live turkeys were left at a Taco Bell drive-thru in California this morning. Non one has yet claimed responsibility for the turkey delivery, but the birds - one of which may have been injured - attempted to make the best of being stranded at the drive-thru by waving to passing vehicles and smiling for pictures. Word is they were just happy not to have been dropped of at a Subway or a Quiznos. Sort of takes the “Eat Fresh” moto to a whole new level, doesn’t it.