Not Just A River In Egypt

Yup, still snowing. Keep burning, Indiana. Keep burning.

The Rod Blagojevich Road Show is now in full swing. His impeachment trial opened without him this week, as he was off roaming the country in search of additional television cameras in front of which to make statements. Blago dropped in on Larry King yesterday to make his case to “the American people” that he is being unjustly persecuted by the Illinois State Senate for being a great guy. I don’t really understand what good the support of 30 people in Arizona will do him in his Illinois trial, but I’m willing to admit that I might simply be missing the big picture. Or not. Every time he opens his mouth, a quote from some Hollywood production falls out, in his mind providing a metaphor for his struggle on behalf of people against The Man. Like a modern day Robin Hood – with a medieval hair cut. He’s even demanded the editorial boards of major newspapers get involved in attempting to save him from impeachment. Of course, several happen to be the very same editorial boards he is on tape trying to have fired for negative coverage of his misdeeds, but he’s proved he isn’t willing to let reality get in the way of a good performance. This whole saga is so bizarre it’s almost humorous. Okay, that’s not true, it’s so bizarre it is definitely humorous. But it’s humor I’d be more than happy to go without. Where’s Larry Craig when you need him?

Closing out their first official in the minority under the Obama administration, Congressional Republicans answered the President’s calls for bi-partisan cooperation by obstructing every single thing he attempted to do. First came the meaningless hold on Clinton’s nomination to Secretary of State. (The senator that requested the hold voted in favor of confirmation anyway.) Then there was the delay of the confirmation votes of the Treasury Secretary and the Attorney General. Tax-hating Republicans – all of whom would never pay a cent if they felt they could get away with it - admonished the now Treasury Secretary for failing to pay $35,000 in self-employment taxes six years ago when he worked for the International Monetary Fund. Never mind that when the error was discovered in 2006, Geithner acknowledged his mistake, filed the correct paperwork and repaid the outstanding balance. Clinton-hating Republicans – apparently and inexplicably still upset with Bill Clinton eight years after he went away – held up the nomination of Eric Holder for his failure to prevent President Clinton from pardoning a tax cheat (notice a pattern here?) he had every right to pardon if he so desired. Then, even before Obama made the trip to the floor to listen to their concerns, (something President Bush NEVER did), House Republican leaders announced they would be demanding their members vote against whatever stimulus bill is brought up for a vote tomorrow, claiming the stimulus package, forty percent of which is comprised of tax cuts, simply gives them nothing to vote for and shuts them out of the process. I don’t want to go so far as to call these clowns liars, but they certainly are adept at failing to tell the truth. Newsflash; YOU JOKERS LOST THE ELECTION! Barack Obama and Joe Biden were inaugurated last week, not John McCain and She-of-Whom-We-Do-Not-Speak. You didn’t lose because eight million people mistakenly checked the wrong box on the ballot. You lost because 63 million Americans rejected your IDEAS. The people reduced you to 41 votes Senatorial votes, why on earth should you and your ideas have a greater percentage of input in the stimulus package than you have representation in Congress? Get a grip! I realize that during the Bush terms you came to believe that the meaning of bi-partisanship is that the Republican Party automatically gets everything it wants, but President Bush was pretty good at mangling words and their definitions. Now that we have a leader who reads, writes, speaks and understands English, perhaps we can finally reunite words with their proper meanings. The words bi-partisan, cooperation and compromise ARE NOT synonyms for obstruction.

As much as it irks me that he’s doing it, I think it’s wonderful that Obama is making the effort to ensure the concerns and ideas of the minority are received, considered and sometimes even implemented in the policies of his administration. If the previous president had but attempted such a brazen act of leadership but once, it might have softened the way he is now viewed in hindsight. For the good of the nation, I hope all the factions of the government can agree on a package to provide help to struggling citizens. But personally, deep down somewhere, I hope the Republicans continue to obstruct, the stimulus passes over their objections, and is a wild, unbelievable success, leaving three of them in Congress to try to explain why they intentionally tried to sabotage this country’s recovery.

I don’t understand the “sky is falling” panic among some resulting from the President’s decision to outlaw the practice of torture. I actually heard a guest on a Nation Public Radio show assert that torture is the ONLY way to obtain information from suspected terrorists. Sounds like someone’s been watching too many episodes of 24. Seriously, it cannot be the stated policy of a free and democratic nation to torture anybody, for any reason. I hope the reasoning behind that statement is self-evident. The leaders of the free world must take a stand and say that inhumane behavior diminishes both the victim and the torturer and we will not engage in it. Will that end torture? Of course not. But it will re-establish the precedent that it terrible and wrong. To those of you soiling yourselves in fear of the now impending suitcase nuclear strike, allow me to ease you mind. Every U.S. interrogator is going to do absolutely everything they can to obtain whatever information they believe a suspect is hiding. If an interrogator is convinced the suspect they are holding is privy to information needed to halt an attack scheduled to commence in five minutes, and they feel the only way to ascertain that information is to rip out the suspect’s fingernails with pliers, they aren’t going to let a little something like a law get in their way. But after they have done that, saving your city from imminent destruction, they will have to stand before a judge and a jury of their peers and explain why they felt it was necessary to him or herself and dehumanize another human being. If the judge and jury agree with that decision, then so be it. But the days of abusing any Rasheed, Habib and Ahmed for whatever reason tickles someone’s fancy are over. Abuse has to be the exception, not the rule.

A Los Angeles man killed his wife, five children and himself today because he was upset over being fired from his job. Why can’t disturbed people just kill themselves BEFORE turning the guns on everyone else?

Read a headline today that said something to the effect of, “Prince Harry’s longtime girlfriend dumped him through Facebook this week, reportedly because she was tired of the lifestyle.” Hmm. She broke up with the prince because she was tired of being treated like a princess? Wow. She just set women back about a hundred years. Actually, further reading of the story revealed that is was Prince Harry’s lifestyle that Chelsy Daly was tired of, not hers. Apparently the prince is something of a flirt. A ladies man, if you will. I don’t know. What’s the point of being the prince if you can’t make out with any woman you want? But seriously, how lame is it to break up with someone through Facebook? Isn’t that like asking your friend to break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend for you? Weak.

This past weekend, a 14 -year-old Chicago kid dressed in a police uniform strolled into a police station and stood in line. He was promptly assigned a partner and sent out on patrol. Only five hours later did the real police discover that he - the kid - was not. Five hours? No wonder there aren’t any detective shows based in Chicago.

Finally, Japan has a population problem. It is in decline. No worries. They’ve come up with a novel solution. Japanese companies are trimming hours from the workday and encouraging their employees to use the additional time to… well… procreate. That’s right, they’re giving workers time off to have sex. Now where did I put that plane ticket?

Yes We Did

My mother called me last week and demanded I apologize for instructing the State of Indiana to “burn in hell,” following last weekend’s snow storms. I considered it, and I was fully prepared to do so. But, I decided not to. You know why? It’s still snowing! Still! No apology until the snow stops.

Well, it’s official. Barack Obama is now is the 44th President of the United States of America. Congratulations sir. This mess is all yours. But setting that aside for a moment, this inauguration truly was one of the most impressive things I have ever witnessed. This is a fantastic time I live in. When I was was growing up, the idea of a black president was little more than a bizarre fantasy at best and a bad joke at worst. Today at 12:00 p.m. it became a reality. I think one would have to be slightly less than sane to want the job at this point, but I’m glad someone someone does, and I’m glad that someone is Barack Obama. Good luck sir. And Godspeed.

Of course, the inauguration of Barack Obama signals the end of the eight year presidency of one George W. Bush. Late last week former President Bush asked for 15 minutes of network television time to issue a farewell address to the nation. In it he basically told the country that in spite of everything that may have gone wrong, his intentions were good and he did the best he could with the tools he had, and then made up. Fine. I’ll accept that he tried. I’ll accept that he did what he thought was right. But the presidency is not some kindergarten graduation. You don’t get points for trying. You don’t get trophies for failing the tests. It’s fine to do your best and to do what you think is right - it would be ludicrous to expect you to do otherwise. But when those things result in the circumvention of Constitutional protections, extra-legal interrogations, an ill-advised war, manufactured justifications, unwarranted secrecy, callous disregard and a litany of other grievances, good intentions just don’t cut it. The road to hell is paved with them.

There has been a call by some on the left for the Obama administration to prosecute members of the Bush Administration for war crimes. Let me say in no uncertain terms, this is the dumbest idea I’ve heard since “...the fundamentals of the economy are sound.” I understand there are still some people who haven’t gotten over the 2000 election, feel that Bush stole the election and has been an illegitimate leader ever since. But Barack Obama’s presidency is not your personal revenge project. We are in the midst of the biggest economic crisis since the Great Depression. We have 150,000 American soldiers being shot at over seas, tens of thousands of families losing their homes, millions losing their jobs, and some people want the new President to expend valuable political capital by essentially giving the finger to every single Republican in Congress and 47% of the electorate. If you want to end an historic presidency before it begins, go ahead, start a prosecution. All that’ll get you is 8 more years of Bush.

The biggest story of last week was by far the ditching of a U.S. Airways A320 Airbus in the Hudson River after a “double bird strike” disabled both engines. First of all, the idea that a $60 million airplane can be brought down by two Canada geese is more than a little disturbing to someone who already hates to fly. But second, there was absolutely no more qualified pilot on the face of the earth to ditch an airliner in a river than Chesley B. Sullenberger. “Sully,” as he is apparently known to his friends - and now everyone in New York City - is an ex-air force pilot, head of a pilots organization and aviation safety inspector in his spare time. If you believe in miracles, it is nothing short of a miracle that this man was at the controls of that aircraft last Thursday afternoon. If you don’t believe in miracles, then the 155 passengers onboard are the luckiest S.O.Bs in America. It’s also a beautiful illustration of the difference between New York City and many other places in America. According to survivor reports, within 90 seconds of the plane hitting the water, rescue boats, commercial ferry boats and personal pleasure boats we on the scene, plucking people from the wings of the floating aircraft and out of the frigid Hudson River. You know that if that crash had occurred just off Los Angeles, people would have been trampling each other charging down the beach beating each other with their camera phones, snapping pictures and screaming, “oh my goodness, why won’t somebody help them!” New York City is the biggest community in the world.

The Senate Foreign Relations Committee held confirmation hearings for Hillary Clinton last. It immediately became evident to everyone unfortunate enough to be watching said hearings that most of the time, policy discussions are incredibly boring. All but one committee member voted in favor of confirmation. The lone holdout? Louisiana Republican David Vitter. As justification for his no vote, Vitter sighted reservations he had regarding some of the names on the list of donors to former President Clinton’s Global Initiative. This is of course the same David Vitter who threw himself at the mercy of his wife 18 months ago when his phone number appeared on a list of clientele belonging to the infamous “D.C. Madam.” Refresh my memory. What is it that people who live in glass houses should never do?

Cementing its status as a farce of a banana republic (without even the sharp linen shirts) Zimbabwe announced last week that in an effort to curb long lines at the banks and wheelbarrows full of cash at the grocery store, it will introduce a new 100 trillion dollar note, with 10, 20 and 50 trillion dollar denominations to follow shortly. Zimbabwe is about to become the first country in the world with trillionaires starving in the streets. It’s difficult to see how this country is ever going to be able to turn itself around.

My NFL Thoughts for Conference Championship Weekend:

I’m afraid I’m no more interested in the playoffs than I was last week. The Arizona Cardinals were kind enough to spare us the pain of an all-Pennsylvania Superbowl, but I just can’t work up any excitement to watch the Steelers try for title number six against a team that should never have made the playoffs. But, it is what it is. Steelers vs. Cardinals, February 1, 2009. Can I watch the commercials and skip the game?

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers selected newly appointed defensive coordinator Raheem Morris to replace Jon “Chucky” Gruden as head coach. At 32, Morris will become the youngest head coach in the league, and the seventh African-American - barring the as-yet unannounced firing of Herman Edwards and/or Marvin Lewis. Morris will more-than-likely find himself coaching players several years older than he. This seems to have become somewhat of a trend around the league. Old experienced coaches are suddenly passe, left at the wayside in favor of much younger, fresher faces. The 2009-2010 season ought to be awfully interesting.

My Superbowl Picks: Pittsburgh Steelers over Arizona Cardinals.

Some girl is attempting to auction off her virginity online. At last count, bids are up to $3.7 million. Really? Some IDIOT is seriously willing to pay this girl nearly four million dollars to be the first man to have sex with her? I don’t mean to be insensitive, but for four million dollars, she’d better bring along about 40,000 of her closest friends. Seriously, does she even have to prove she’s a virgin? Because there’s no error-proof test for that. And what kind of creep gets his jollies by dropping four million dollars just to deflower a teenaged girl?

At the Consumer Electronics Show last week in Las Vegas, (which, coincidently, is held at the same time and place as the Adult Video Awards), Philips debuted the world’s first commercially available anamorphic widescreen television. It has been the bane of my existence that televisions came in a 4:3 picture ratio while movies were shot in 16:9, so in order to view a film the way it was meant to be seen I had to watch it with little black bars at the top and bottom of the screen. Naturally I was elated when televisions became available in the 16:9 format, as I would now be able to watch movies - and soon television - in its native ratio. But of course, as if to spite me, filmmakers started producing movies in the 21:9 anamorphic ratio, rendering my brand new high-definition widescreen television less than useful. And while an anamorphic television would be great for watching 21:9 movies, it would make viewing 16:9 television with big black bars along the sides annoying as all get-out. As much as I want one of these fancy new anamorphic widescreen high-definition televisions, I think I’m going to wait until the industry figures which ratio they want to go with.

Finally, 80’s pop star Boy George was sentenced to 15 months in jail last week for handcuffing an escort to a radiator and beating him with a chain. Hmm. I guess he really did want to hurt you. Guess he really did want to make you cry.

Snow Angels

I hate this state. This past weekend was my birthday weekend. So ask me what I did. Go ahead, ask me. That’s right, shoveling snow. Snowed in, stuck in my house, shoveling 14 inches of snow. Burn in hell Indiana. Burn in hell.

Looks like I was wrong about Roland Burris. That’s okay; I like being wrong every now and then. Makes me seem more human. After proclaiming they would not under any circumstances seat a nominee of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, the U.S. Senate revealed itself to be the quivering mass of pseudo-humanity it truly is and caved completely, deciding to seat “the junior Senator from the State of Illinois” (as he likes to refer to himself) in spite of their previous pronouncements. So, the man who built a monument to himself in a Chicago park will in fact replace President-elect Barack Obama as “the-other-guy-from-that-State-with-the-corrupt-governors.” He should be so proud.

“Joe the Plumber” made the…. You know what, never mind. He isn’t news.

You know the best part about financing a $700 billion financial rescue package? Listening to all the people begging for money trying to explain to the government why they should be allowed to stick their hands in the national cookie jar. Case in point. In witnessing the success of the bankers and automakers at extracting money from the Treasury, Hustler Magazine publisher, and notorious dirty old man, Larry Flynt has decided to try his hand at lobbying. Together with Girls Gone Wild founder – and convicted felon – Joe Francis, Flynt announced he would request $5 billion in bailout funds to help stimulate the sagging American porn industry. Apparently, “professional” porn sales have slumped 20% over the past couple years, facing increased competition from amateurs with digital video cameras and peer-to-peer file sharing. So, finding it more difficult to innovate and compete, Larry and Joe decided that if the government is willing to spend money to stabilize the cornerstones of the American economy, they should be willing to support what they claim to be the chief cornerstone, sex. It remains to be seen whether or not Flynt and Francis will actually follow through on their promise to present their request on Capitol Hill. Good luck with that, guys. Let me know how that goes. Better yet, make a movie out of it.

Middle East Update: Israel continues its assault on Hamas in Gaza. Hamas continues its rocket attacks on Israeli cities. Tune in next week when I will likely repeat the previous statement.

A demonstration against the shooting of a detained black teenager by a Bay Area Rapid Transit officer last week in Oakland quickly degenerated into violence and vandalism. Surprise! Who could have imagined a protest in California might turn violent? The incident that sparked the demonstration is reportedly still under investigation. Apparently there is cell phone video circulating through the Internet, which captures the officer shooting the restrained man in the back. I have not seen the video. I have no interest in watching people get killed on television. From what I understand, people have a right to be upset – maybe even outraged with what happened. What I don’t understand is why some idiot always has to go and dilute the message of the protest by throwing a brick through a window and starting a fight. I realize there are certain individuals who use whatever excuse they can find to perpetuate anarchy, But it’s a shame that those individuals feel the need to corrupt and de-legitimize (in the eyes of many) a valid, justified response (an angry, yet peaceful demonstration) to a terrible situation.

My NFL Thoughts for Divisional Weekend:

Wow. What an abysmal weekend of football. I have absolutely zero interest in any of the remaining teams, and a strong disinterest in at least three of them. I think I can say with a certain degree of confidence that this will be the first Superbowl I can remember that I will not be watching. And we don’t even know who’ll be playing in it yet.

Apparently the Giants missed Plaxico Burress more than they thought they did. Without him they were simply unable to spread the Eagles defense out enough to create space for Brandon Jacobs to run. Donovan McNabb will never admit this, but his benching six weeks ago was the best thing to happen to him all year.

I don’t care what the Ravens say, Tennessee got robbed on a delay of game non-call and everybody knows it. Why have a play clock if there are no consequences for taking longer than the time allotted? The NBA has a 24 second clock that buzzes when time expires so that there is no question as to when the penalty should be called. Why can’t we do that in football?

I don’t think I’ve ever been more disappointed by a team’s performance than I was with the Carolina Panthers. How can you win 12 games during the regular season, run all over people like they weren’t even there, have a receiver finish with 1500 yards after missing two games, then come out and play the you did Saturday night. Six turnovers? All by the quarterback? Arizona might as well have been playing against an empty field! The Panthers defense only had one responsibility – cover Larry Fitzgerald. Didn’t do it. Nice job losers. There’s always next year, right?

Once again the San Diego Chargers steamroll into the playoffs, only to be dispatched by a team they were certainly capable of defeating. I feel a bit sorry for LaDanian Tomlinson. A few years ago when the Chargers were terrible he had the opportunity to leave for a more lucrative contract somewhere else. He didn’t. He took less money to remain in San Diego because in his words, he is “not a quitter.” He wanted to stay and help make the Chargers into a Superbowl contender. I’m sorry it hasn’t worked out the way he hoped it would.

The prospect of an all-Pennsylvania Superbowl makes my brain hurt.

Adam “Pac-man” Jones is…. You know what? See the Joe the Plumber comments above.

The coaching carousel is in full spin. Late last week the Cleveland Browns announced that next year’s attempt at futility will be lead by former New York Jets coach Eric “mangenius” Mangini. That’s right. The Browns traded one former defensive coordinator of Bill Belichick for another former defensive coordinator of Bill Belichick. hoping for different results. What’s the definition of insanity again?

Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy announced his retirement this past Monday. Dungy forever etched his name in the history books a couple years ago when he became the first black coach to win the Superbowl. (And really, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Superbowl victory of 2003 belongs more to him than it does to John Gruden.) Most people thought Dungy would remain coach of the Colts at least as long as Peyton Manning remained the quarterback, but Dungy has other things he wants to do. He is one of the classiest guys ever to grace the sidelines and the game will miss him.

My Picks for the upcoming Conference Championship weekend:

Philadelphia over Arizona
Pittsburgh over Baltimore

Heaven help us.

Finally, the incoming Obama administration has requested that the FCC delay – AGAIN – the upcoming transition to digital television. Apparently, some people still aren’t ready. Really? After four years of preparing people for the switch with endless television commercials and mailings and radio ads and whatnot, there are still people who aren’t ready for this switch? Maybe those people simply shouldn’t be watching television!

Janus

Well, so much for 2008. There’s 366 days of your life you’ll never get back.

Right off the top I want to thank Timothy for his response to my comment about the latest phony memoir story. Thanks for reminding us that we don’t need to people trying to pass off fabricated tales as fact where there are so many fascinating inspirational true stories out there to discover.

I spent a little quality time Friday afternoon in a futile attempt to learn a little German. Scouring the Volkswagen “Deutschland” website for some explanation as to why the new Scirocco will not be offered in the United States I found nothing at all to mollify my rage, except what might be the recipe for some pretty sweet Black Forest Cake, but I can’t be sure. I did learn something about Germans though. They don’t seem to like pictures. The Scirocco brochure consists of one sepia-toned photograph on the cover, followed by eight pages of text. Of course it has subsequently been pointed out to me by the Google translator that what I thought was the brochure was actually the technical specifications brochure, and that the actual brochure is far more colorful and much less German than I originally thought, completely dashing every misconception I had formulated over the past three days. Damn that Google translator!

Rod Blagojevich is like the Christmas fruitcake that just won’t go away. You know, the one you send to your aunt in Florida every even-numbered year, only to get it back every odd-numbered Christmas? No matter how many times you send it, or how many dents it picks up en route, or how many sticks of dynamite you pack into the center, it just keeps coming back? While stupid enough to make incriminating statements while suspecting he might be under investigation, Blagojevich was clever enough to resort to the Ace-in-the-Hole of any floundering, cynical, opportunistic politician with a large minority constituency, the race card. Tomorrow, the Senate appointee for the State of Illinois, Roland Burris, will show up on Capitol Hill and attempt to gain entry to the Senate chamber. At that point, every C-Span geek will likely be treated to the unsettling images of Capitol Police refusing entry to what would be the only black United States Senator and escorting him from the building. Within the hour someone will make a comparison to Governor Wallace standing in the doorway of the Alabama schoolhouse refusing to allow the first black children inside and everybody will immediately forget what this is actually about. By all accounts Roland Burris is an extremely qualified, nice guy. Why he would insist on involving himself in this circus is beyond me. Have a little self-respect. Take a step back and out of this ridiculous spitting match between Blagojevich and the rest of the Illinois government. Don’t taint an otherwise spotless record as the pawn of a poorly coifed corrupt governor.

Sixty-two days after the election, the Canvassing Board of the State of Minnesota certified Democrat Al Franken as the winner of his Senatorial race, defeating incumbent Republican Senator Norm Coleman by 225 votes. Great. Too bad it means absolutely nothing. Coleman, or course, charges that the recount process was unfair and has promised to challenge the results in court, a process which could take weeks – maybe moths to resolve. Hmm. This all sounds vaguely familiar. I swear I’ve heard this somewhere before. Come on. We had to wait 62 days to find out that the election isn’t really over, 62 days after the election was over. The morons in Palm Beach County don’t look so bad right now.

Middle East Update: Israel continues its assault on Hamas in Gaza. Hamas continues its rocket attacks on Israeli cities. Stay tuned for next week’s update in which I will likely just repeat this week’s update. This is sad.

Bill Richardson was withdrawn from his nomination as President-elect Obama's Secretary of Commerce. Apparently the New Mexico Governor is a target of a grand jury probe in his home state investigating whether a California financial firm improperly benefited from campaign contributions in receiving state contracts totaling nearly $1.5 million. At this point there are no reports of any wiretaps or audiotapes of Richardson telling motherbleepers to go bleep themselves, so it certainly does not rise to Blagojevich stature yet. No indication that it will. What it does is allow the media to blather on about hiccups in the otherwise smooth Obama transition. Better that than shark attacks I guess.

My NFL Thoughts for Wildcard Weekend:

The Dolphins simply didn’t belong on the same field as the Ravens on Sunday. Somebody forgot to tell Ray Lewis he’s 33 years old. And I can’t believe Ed Reed picked off two passes and never even attempted a lateral. Unbelievable. I would have put good money on that one.

Where did that Cardinals defense come from? How do you go from being completely incapable of defending against blindfolded fourth-graders to shutting down one of the most impressive rushing attacks in the league in one week? I’m a little nervous for my Panthers this weekend. Oh, and Matt Ryan picked a heck of a time to play like a rookie.

The Eagles ain’t too bad. When healthy, Brian Westbrook is the most dangerous offensive player in the league. Steve Smith (the greater) is more explosive, but Westbrook touches the ball four to five times more than Smith does. If I’m the New York Giants, I’m not looking forward to this weekend.

Somebody lit a fire under the San Diego Chargers. His name is Darren Sproles. Three hundred twenty-five total yards and two touchdowns for one player are ridiculous numbers. So are six punts averaging 53 yards each. The San Diego punter and the back-up runningback almost single-handedly defeated a defense anchored by two top-tier defensive ends, the league MVP and one of the most prolific offenses of the twenty years. I’m still not sure the Chargers deserved to make the playoffs, but they’re out to prove they belong there now.

My Picks for Divisional Championship Weekend:

Giants over Eagles
Panthers over Cardinals
Titans over Ravens
Chargers over Steelers

My Superbowl Picks for Wildcard Weekend: New York Giants vs. Tennessee Titans.

Majel Barrett-Roddenberry, wife of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry and voice of the U.S.S. Enterprise passed away two weeks ago, shortly after recording the audio for the upcoming Star Trek film. I’m sure that someday all our computers will talk to us, and as a pseudo-Trekkie I will hope they all sound like Ms. Barrett-Roddenberry.

Old Bush (41) suggested over the weekend that he would like to see young Bush (Jeb) as President of the United States. I think I speak for at least several people when I say NO MORE BUSH! NO MORE. NONE.

This week the United States will open a $700 million embassy in Iraq. That's right. Seven hundred million dollars. The largest, most expensive American embassy in the world. Over the next few weeks we're going to hear a lot of whining and complaining from certain members of Congress about the excessive size of a proposed economic stimulus package. Keep in mind, not one of these hypocrites uttered a peep against building the afore mentioned three-quarters of a billion dollar building (guaranteed to be damaged by an explosive within six months) in what now amounts to a borderline third-world country. Not one.

Finally, owners of 30GB Microsoft Zune mp3 players awoke last Tuesday morning (December 31) to find that their devices didn’t work. Turns out that the internal clock is programmed for a 365-day year, with no provision for a 366-day leap year, like the one we just experienced. Unable to overcome such a boneheaded programming error, the poor little devices simply shut down and refused to function, some permanently. I guess I only have one comment. My iPod works just fine, thank you very much. Tee hee hee.

It's All Over But the Cryin'

New Year, good. Another year older, bad.

Hope everyone had a happy/merry ChrismaChanuKwanzaka. Hope your 2009 is better than your 2008.

Not much happened this past week. Mostly football. (Sorry Gail). I blame this “transition period” business. No one wants to talk about bush because he’s yesterday’s news. Yet there’s nothing to say about Obama because he hasn’t had a chance to do anything. I almost find myself longing for the days of presidential primaries. Almost.

I guess the big news of the weekend and so far this week is the all-out Israeli air assault on Hamas fighters in Gaza. I‘ve tried to be interested in this situation – in what’s happening in the Middle East in general, really I have. But the fact is that neither the Israelis nor the Palestinians remember exactly what it is they are fighting about, nor do they care. The reasons are no longer important. The only thing that matters now is retaliation. Retaliation for the last bombing as retaliation for the last air strike as retaliation for the previous bombing as retaliation for the previous air strike, blah blah blah. On and on it goes. There is no end to this war. Israel feels it has a divine right to occupy the land it occupies. Palestinians feel they have a divine right to be rid of Israelis on the land they occupy. It is what it is. We can only try to contain it.

Still Governor Rod Blagojevich decided to stick his thumb in the eye of his detractors today and appointed former Illinois Attorney General Roland Burris to fill the U.S. Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. Fully aware that the leadership of the U.S. Senate already publicly stated that they will not seat any senator appointed by Blago, the still governor proved he still retains a shred of political savvy by ensuring that the man he appointed to replace the President-elect (formerly the only black U.S. Senator) is also a widely respected black man with by all initial accounts a spotless record of public service. In doing so he made the imminent rejection of his nomination just a little more complicated in that regardless of what Blagojevich may or may not have said on tape, it still looks bad for 83 white male and 16 white female senators to refuse admission to an otherwise competent, fully qualified black man. But, it is what it is. Mr. Burris will not be seated, someone will throw a hissy fit, Blagojevich will eventually be removed from office and the lieutenant governor will appoint a replacement to Obama, who will promptly be defeated in the 2010 election. Welcome to Illinois politics.

I thought about saving this one for the football section, but it’s so much bigger than football, it really deserves to be here. Last year the New York Giants robbed me (and the New England Patriots too, I guess) of the perfect 19-0 season. I felt cheated out of witnessing what would have arguably been the greatest achievement in team sports history. But on Sunday, the Detroit Lions delivered something almost as good – the perfect, winless season. That’s right, WINLESS. 0 for 16. They said it couldn’t be done. They said it was impossible to lose every single game. The league is set up to avoid that scenario. Yet somehow, the Lions found a way to make it happen. Believe it or not, I think this COULD be good for the Lions. I stress, “could” because – as we’ve seen all season – there’s nothing Detroit can’t screw up. But now everyone related to that franchise knows, it absolutely cannot get any worse. Finishing 1-15 would have allowed some in the organization to believe (falsely) that there might have been something positive to glean from that single victory. Well, now there is no doubt. Nothing that team did worked. Not a single thing. You now have the perfect excuse to blow that team up and start over from scratch. Nothing is sacred anymore. Completely rebuild that organization from the ground up. And for the love of Barry Sanders, learn SOMETHING from your mistakes. Because as bad as 0-16 is, 0-32 is worse.

My NFL Thoughts for Week 17.

The current playoff formula is bogus. Two 8-8 teams (one from each conference) made the playoffs as division winners. Five teams with better records than both the Arizona Cardinals and the San Diego Chargers failed to make the cut due to this ridiculous rule that the division winner is guaranteed a playoff spot. Let’s discard this moronic divisional formula and replace it with this one: the top six teams in each conference go to the playoffs. So simple it just might work.

Congratulations to the Miami Dolphins for transitioning from a 15-loss season last year to 11 wins and a division championship this season. Now if you could only do something about those uniforms.

Tony Romo will have to wait at least one more year to rid himself of the stigma of being big game choker. The Cowboys went down in flames Sunday afternoon to a Philadelphia team that started the day on life-support. After the game Terrell Owens pretended he had nothing to do with the implosion of the pre-season Superbowl favorite, talking about how the team this and we that and all of us the other. If he had maintained that attitude – even faked that attitude – for all sixteen games, Dallas might be heading to Minnesota next week to extend their season instead of the Eagles.

Helluva game in Buffalo. Sixty mile-per-hour wind gusts, 20-yard field goals missed waaaaay wide right and goalposts twisted to 15-degree angles. That’s football people. None of this dome garbage. When are we going to get to see a real Superbowl in a place like Buffalo, Green Bay or New England?

Bill Belichick must be sitting in his office laughing his butt off at the rest of the league. Three years ago all the talking heads thought the Patriots would fall apart when all three of his coordinators left for head coaching jobs of their own. The haters claimed his protégés were the brain of his operation and that he would be exposed as nothing more than the man behind the curtain. Turns out it was the haters that were exposed. Two of his disciples were fired from Cleveland and New York on Monday after very disappointing seasons (or three) and the third guy is Charlie Weis. And to top it all off, he guided his team to an 11-5 record after losing the Golden Boy Tom Brady seven minutes into the season and continuing with a seventh-round quarterback who hadn’t started a football game since high school. We all know who the real genius is now. And seriously, is Matt Cassel that good, or is it the system? And if it’s the system, is Tom Brady really that good? Are you sure?

Denver Broncos “coach for life” Mike Shanahan is, well, no longer coach for life. In fact, he’s no longer coach. Apparently two Superbowl victories just don’t buy the job security they used to anymore. Somehow I doubt he’ll be out of work long.

Goodbye Brett. I’ll miss you, even if no one else does.

Two teams nobody wants to play right now, Baltimore and Indianapolis. Ray Lewis and Ed Reed look like they are 25 years old again. Peyton manning looks like he’s only 30.

My Playoff Picks for Wildcard Weekend:
Eagles over Vikings
Falcons over Cardinals
Chargers over Colts
Ravens over Dolphins

My Superbowl Picks for Week 17: New York Giants vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

Apparently there are a rash of new 3-D movies scheduled for release in 2009. Didn’t we try this experiment in the 70s? Didn’t it fail miserably? People don’t want to wear stupid little glasses in the theater. Oh, and we have 3-D movies. They’re called stage plays. Go see one.

Finally, yet another “memoir” has been exposed as fiction. This time, it is the story of a boy held at a Nazi concentration camp during World War Two and a girl on the outside who tossed him apples over the fence to keep him alive, who eventually married and grew old together. Only it wasn’t true. Of course, all this could have been avoided if the author had simply labeled his book a work of fiction, instead of a memoir. But why bother telling the truth when lying can make you so much more money.

Voldemort Votes Republican

Really, he does. I saw it on a bumper sticker.

Late last week, still President Bush emerged from his super-secret hiding place and announced that due to the extraordinary economic situation, and the obligation he feels to his successor not to hand over an economic catastrophe the day he leaves office, he has reversed course and will provide General Motors and Chrysler with between $14 and $17 billion dollars in loan guarantees. The money will come from the Troubled Asset Relief Program – which conveniently has about $15 billion remaining to be allocated – and is expected to tide two of the Big Three over until they can return to Congress in their hybrids with their hands out, begging for more money in the spring. Not wanting to be left off the Doom-and-Gloom Merry-Go-Round, Toyota revealed that it expects to post a fourth quarter loss – the first loss in the 70 plus year history of the company. In a related story, Chrysler has shut down production entirely for the next four weeks, and General Motors will follow suit beginning the week after New Years. I know that with that news you might think things couldn’t possibly get any worse for the automotive industry. You’d be wrong. In fact, the only vehicle manufacturer expecting to turn a profit this year is Volkswagen, and that isn’t expected to carry over very far into 2009. It is simply not a good time to be in the automobile business.

Is it possible that we the consumer might take a lesson from this economic depression we seem to be stumbling into? Probably not. History tells us that whatever lesson we may glean from unfortunate circumstances goes right out the window at the first sign of double-digit returns. But in case anyone is paying attention, understand that this recession is a result of an infatuation with excess and complete lack of restraint. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

President-elect Obama rounded out his cabinet last weekend with the selection of several more highly qualified, competent individuals. Nobody seemed to care much about that. The story that made headlines was his selection of Pastor Rick Warren to give the invocation at Obama’s inauguration. For those unacquainted with Rick Warren, he is the evangelical pastor of the 23,000-member Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California, fierce anti-poverty advocate, investor in African AIDS prevention and best-selling author of “The Purpose-Driven Life.” He is also a staunch opponent of gay marriage and took an active roll in advocating the passage of Proposition 8 in California, overturning the California Supreme Court’s decision allowing gays to marry. For the loudest voices, the first half of the above equation was irrelevant. The fact that Warren opposes gay marriage was enough to send some activists off the deep end. They claimed that Obama had abandoned them, thrown them to the wolves in selecting Warren to give the three-minute opening prayer at the ceremony. They essentially likened Warren to anti-Semites and white supremacists and demanded Obama revoke the invitation and replace him with someone “more inline with mainstream American values.”

I have largely refrained from commenting on the gay marriage debate to this point because the result of the debate has little to no effect on me whatsoever. This business about same-sex marriage somehow diminishing my own heterosexual marriage is bogus. Two consenting adults, who want to marry, settle down and build a life together does no harm to the institution of marriage. You know what diminishes marriage? The 52% divorce rate. But this latest outburst of fake outrage tweaked a nerve. I don’t like hyperbole and I am intolerant of the intolerance of speech. I am not going to stand in the way of two consenting adults who wish to be married. I’m not going to oppose them physically or verbally or in print, and I’m certainly not going to vote against them. But if homosexual Americans want gay marriage to be legal in this country, they are going to have to make that argument to the rest of the population. And when you get on television and try to liken opponents of gay marriage to the vicious history of racism and anti-Semitism in this country, you turn away many of the very people whose minds you are trying to change. In order to alter perceptions and benefit your cause, you need to understand what you are up against. Same-sex marriage is currently legal in only two of fifty states, and Warren’s book, has sold over 25 million copies since it came into print. Whether you like it or not, Rick Warren is more inline with “mainstream American values” than you are. The fight to legalize same-sex marriage is not a civil rights issue; it is a civil acceptance issue. Keep framing it that way and minorities will continue to vote against you. Marriage is not a right; it is a privilege, granted by the state based upon a certain set of criteria, like a driver’s license. What you are attempting to do is change the criteria upon with those licenses are granted. You can still shop at the same stores as straight people, eat at the same table as straight people, stay at the same hotel, work at the same job, go to the same school, live in the same neighborhood, run for the same office and vote in the same election as any straight person in this country. Yes, it bothers me to hear some of the very same arguments used against you that would have been used to prevent me from marrying my wife only thirty or forty years ago, and you should use every legal and persuasive tool available to you to affect the change you desire, but contextualize what it is you are fighting for and adjust your rhetoric accordingly. What Obama is attempting to do with Warren is to open and maintain an open dialogue by first finding certain issues that people with opposing viewpoints can agree to work together on, (in this case, poverty and AIDS in Africa), then once that relationship is established, work toward common ground on the other, more difficult issues. Believe it or not, most people outside New York and California don’t know any gay people, and don’t understand why it is so important for so many gay people to be able to say they are married. But shouting those people down and demanding they be silenced every time they speak does nothing to improve the discourse or change their minds. You have a much better shot at winning them over to your side if you can find something around which to build a relationship instead of attempting to bludgeon them into submission. Change does not happen overnight. It took 232 years for the land founded on the idea that “all men are created equal” to live up to that creed. You aren’t going to wake up Thursday morning and find a marriage license in your mailbox. And even when that day comes – and it will, you will still have work to do. The law can change what people do; it can’t change how they feel. And it’s a lot easier to change a heart you can talk to than one you have to shout at.

On a related note, to all the “liberals” disappointed by President-elect Obama’s cabinet choices, I have a question for you? What exactly were you expecting? This country is on the verge of entering a time unlike anything it has seen in more than 70 years. What it needs at this moment is a smart steady hand to correct mistakes and guide it through this troubled time, not a hand to sweep the entire existing system into the garbage and replace it with something completely new. If you expected to wake up on November 5th and find yourself living in France or Switzerland, you should have voted for Dennis Kucinich. Believe me, there is a reason he’s run for president three times and never been elected. And it’s not because he has a funny name.

My NFL thoughts for Week 16:

I hate the New York Giants. Hate them.

The Eagles have to be the worst good team in the league this year. How can you beat up on the league-leading giants two week ago, then roll into Washington and lay the three-point egg you did on Sunday afternoon?

It was 44-0 Patriots in a light fluffy blizzard in New England before Arizona scored for the first time. The Cardinals are division champions. The Patriots probably won’t make the playoffs. Something is wrong with that system.

The Bears got lucky again Monday night, defeating the Packers by a field goal in overtime. The temperature on the field at kickoff was –8 degrees Fahrenheit below zero. (That’s –22 degrees Celsius for my Canadian friends.) The only guys I saw out there with sleeves on were the quarterbacks. Football is a tough game. Wimps (and baseball players) need not apply.

Speaking of tough guys. Jeff Garcia is the toughest S.O.B. to strap on a helmet since Steve McNair. At six feet tall and 185 pounds, Garcia is the quarterback equivalent of a five-foot eight-inch NBA power forward. Yet every time he gets on the field he plays like a man twice his size. In attempting to slide for a first down he was crushed in the head by the shoulder pad of an oncoming defender. Taking only a moment to adjust his helmet, Garcia picked himself up and jogged back to the huddle, bleeding profusely from the bridge of his nose. He continued for the next several minutes throwing completion after completion with blood streaming down his eyes and face and into his mouth, until the drive was finally ended by an intersection off a tipped ball. He didn’t care about the pain or the blood. He just wanted to help his team win. It irks me to no end that hardcore football players like Garcia give everything they have year after year and never make it to the pinnacle of their sport, while prima donnas like Terrell Owens get all the accolades and trips to the post season.

Despite their best efforts, the Cowboys (America’s favorite soap opera) are still in position to make the playoffs. How does this keep happening?

Last year the Miami Dolphins finished the season with one win and fifteen losses. This year they are one win away from a division championship and the playoffs. Last year, the Atlanta Falcons finished 4-12, abandoned by their coach, their superstar franchise quarterback in federal prison, star veteran players fired and the team in absolute disarray. This year they are one win away from the playoffs and possibly a division championship. That’s why we play the games every Sunday.

My Superbowl picks for Week 16: New York Giants vs. Tennessee Titans.

If there are any science geeks out there, there is a fascinating episode of Nova on PBS tonight about the quest for absolute zero and something called the Bose-Einstein Condensate. Nature is absolutely bizarre, yet beautiful altogether. I should have been a physicist.

Apparently, Kanye West Milli Vanilli-ed his way through his big number on Saturday Night Live this past weekend. Ordinarily no one would care - pop singers and rappers lip-sync live performances all the time. The problem here was that he did it poorly, and he is such an arrogant pain-in-the backside that people take great pleasure in watching him fail miserably. Can you just give back the Grammy now?

If at first you don’t succeed, keep suing people, right? The D.C Circuit Court of Appeals rejected the appeal of former Judge Roy Pearson to hear his $54 million lawsuit against his dry cleaner for losing a pair of his pants. Yes, one pair of pants. That’s a 675,000% mark-up. For the last three plus years Pearson has been trying to soak Custom Cleaners and its owners, the Chung family for everything they have and much, much more over a single pair of pants the Chungs have offered on numerous occasions to replace ten times over. Dissatisfied with the latest verdict, Pearson has stated his intention to take his pathetic lawsuit, along with his pants, to the Supreme Court. Somebody should lock this guy away for attempted extortion and disgracing the human race.

Finally, Apple’s App Store has rejected listing an application called “iBoobs.” Yup. It’s pretty much what it sounds like. The application consists of an animation of a large pair of (computer-generated) breasts in a bikini top. Shaking the iPhone or iPod Touch then jiggles said breasts either up and down or left to right, depending on which direction the device is shaken. In denying the listing of the application at the store, Apple cited what it deemed “objectionable content,” encouraging the developer to remove the “objectionable content” from the application and resubmit it for approval. No word on what the developer plans to do, but I vote for leaving it just the way it is. I mean seriously. If you can’t use a three hundred dollar crystal clear 3.5-inch full color widescreen hand-held LCD display to jiggle a pair of buxom bikini-clad computer-generated boobs up and down and side to side, then what good is the damn thing!

Caveat Emptor

Incase you haven’t heard yet, the Federal Reserve is now offering interest-free loans to institutions who will in turn, refuse to lend you said money. Isn’t capitalism wonderful?

We are now well into week two of Blagojovich resignation watch.  And we’re still watching.  Springfield is a buzz with chatter of impeachment and special elections and removal from office, but the governor has hired a lawyer and refuses to step down.  So, there’s nothing new to report.  And when there’s nothing new to report, the media resort to rampant speculation.  In spite of emphatic statements to the contrary by the U.S. Attorney, president-elect Obama and even the wire-tapped voice of the disgraced governor himself, every news report on the incident contains some vague reference to an inference that the incoming administration might possibly have had what could have been inappropriate conversations regarding Obama’s vacated senate seat, maybe.  It’s getting a little silly.  If you have something to report, report it.  If you don’t, let it go.
 
Lost in the Blago-mania last week was the irony that the newspaper that broke the scandal filed for bankruptcy the same day.  Today, (Tuesday), the Detroit News and the Detroit Free Press announced they will be cutting home delivery to three days a week and dramatically scaling back the size of the newsstand edition for the remainder of the week.  Yes, if you didn’t know before, it should be painfully obvious now that the newspaper business is on life-support.  It has been for a while. And nobody seems to know how to resuscitate it. Their parent companies are drowning in debt and hemorrhaging cash, resorting to desperate measures just to say afloat. Last week the New York Times essentially took out a home equity loan on its Manhattan office building to keep from going under.

Newspapers in the information age have two fundamental problems. The first is obvious. Any news in the paper is by nature, yesterday’s news. Why would anyone pay for old news when they can get new news on the internet for free? Second, newspapers cost a lot of money to print, so they charge a significant amount for advertising. Why would anyone pay significant amounts of money to reach the very limited audience of even a large newspaper when they can reach potentially billions of people for little or no cost through the web? Clearly, if the newspaper industry is going to survive, they are going to have to rethink their business model. Accordingly, I’d like to suggest the following industry modifications. Shift most - if not all the hard news resources to the internet, updating the newspaper’s web pages continuously, as news happens. That solves the problem of printing stale news. Then, formulate the remainder of the information, news analysis, local news, human interest stories, arts and entertainment and classifieds into a news magazine printed and delivered two or three times a week. It’s not a perfect solution, but it certainly can’t be any worse than the current business model.

At a press conference during a surprise visit to Iraq this past Sunday, President Bush found himself the target of an angry Iraqi reporter, ducking for cover behind the podium as the man hurled first one shoe then another, just inches past his head. To his credit, the president remains fairly agile and was unhurt by the projectiles. My guess is he’s thankful they were just shoes.

The big news on Wall Street this week was the curious case of one Bernard Madoff and his 50 billion dollar investment Ponzi scheme. For at least the past ten years, Madoff took millions from investors, promising them - and apparently delivering double-digit returns on their investments, regardless of whether the market went up or down. Well, it turns out that numbers that were too good to be true, were, well... too good to be true. Surprise! Who would have thought that a fifteen percent return ten years in a row, irrespective of market conditions might be an outright fraud? The fact is, absolutely NO ONE - including more than a few people with advanced degrees - knew how Madoff was making his money, but as long as it was rolling in hand-over-fist, nobody cared. It’s obvious that we have learned nothing from previous financial scandals like Enron and MCI. If you do not have at least a rudimentary understanding of how it works, perhaps you should not be investing in it. If your investment company is unwilling to explain your financial statement to you, they shouldn’t be your investment company. Why do otherwise intelligent people turn into blithering idiots at the sight of double-digit returns?

My NFL thoughts for Week 15:

Without Brandon Jacobs, the New York Giants look absolutely ordinary. Sorta like the Cowboys without Marion Barber.

Terrell Owens is a joke. A six-year-old in a middle-aged man’s body. He’s been a cancer to every single team he’s played for, and he makes it very difficult for me to respect Dallas.

How can the Pittsburgh Steelers continue to produce playoff caliber teams year after year after year? It doesn’t seem to matter who the coach is, who the players are or where the games are played, the Steelers make the playoffs, or at least contend throughout the season. How is it so easy for them, yet so difficult for teams like Detroit?

I think it’s time for the league to revamp the playoff system. Both the Denver Broncos and the Arizona Cardinals could make the playoffs with an 8-8 record, while three - maybe four teams with 10-6 records could find themselves watching from their living rooms. That doesn’t seem right. Just take the six teams in each conference with the best records, period. Find a flaw in that logic.

The Green Bay Packers are painful to watch. This team was one interception away from the Superbowl a year ago. Now they are in serious jeopardy of being the first team to drop a game to the Detroit Lions this year. Where did the good times go?

Matt Cassel pitched four touchdowns in this weekend’s obliteration of the junior varsity Oakland Raiders. Who needs Tom Brady?

Over the past two weeks, the Carolina Panthers have absolutely embarrassed both defenses they’ve played. I would like nothing more than to see them continue that right through the Superbowl. But I’m used to being disappointed.

My Superbowl picks for Week 15: Carolina Panthers vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

Apparently, Internet Explorer has some kind of huge security flaw that leaves computers open to attack from hackers and the like.  Why is this news?  Of course Internet Explorer has some kind of flaw in it, IT’S MICROSOFT INTERNET EXPLORER!  It’s been flawed since its inception.  Are people really still using Internet Explorer?  What’s wrong with you people?  How many times do you have to be punched in the face before you learn how to duck?

Saw this headline on CNN.com today: Nude models strip to protest low pay.  Hmm.  So you protested your job by... doing your job?  Interesting.

Finally, Dubai will soon be offering the world’s first refrigerated beach.  That’s right, a refrigerated beach.  First an indoor ski resort, now a refrigerated beach. You just can’t give rich people money.