So. In the event you have been living under a rock for the past several days, we are facing an outbreak of the swine flu. In the event you have actually been watching the news over the past several days, we are in the midst of a lethal swine flu pandemic threatening to wipe out millions and millions—perhaps billions of people worldwide within the next 72 hours
In his book America, comedian Jon Stewart comments that only seven minutes of actual news takes place on any given day. This presents an enormous challenge for the 24-hour news networks—and by proxy, the Internet. Seven minutes of actual news leaves 23 hours 53 minutes of empty broadcast time and millions of blank web pages to fill with something, nay ANYTHING remotely interesting. Hence, the evolution of speculation. Cable news has elevated speculation, and first cousins hyperbole and paranoia from the level of supermarket tabloid to high art. Within hours of the first reported case of flu in Mexico, CNN had credentialed experts from thirteen different agencies predicting uncontrollable outbreaks in 37 different countries with the potential for millions of deaths worldwide, all accompanied by flashy animated graphics illuminating the 50-foot long high-definition monitor in the studio. Yet somehow, all that information fails to provide perhaps the most important component of all this, perspective. Sure, every now and then, amidst jittery cell phone video of commuters emerging from the subway wearing surgical masks and breathless audio from the reporter on the scene describing each minute detail of people nervously going about their business, Anderson Cooper manages to mention that in a country of 110 million (Mexico), less that 2000 are confirmed sick with the swine flu and far fewer (150) of those—and none of the few dozen cases in the United States, Canada, Europe and Asia have actually proved fatal. I guess that information’s not really relevant to the story. I understand that the spread of any contagious disease in an age of mass international transportation is cause for concern, but let’s reserve the panic for when we really need it. You know, like for when the intergalactic space pirates arrive to pillage and plunder the earth.
The blockbuster political news of the week is that the Democratic Party is now but one Supreme Court decision away from a filibuster-proof majority in the U.S. Senate. This morning, Senator Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania announced he has switched his party affiliation from Republican to Democrat. This brings the tally of Democratic senators to 59; awaiting Al Franken to fill the 60th seat once the Supreme Court puts an end to the farce that is the Minnesota election process. In a statement from his office this morning, Specter, a 29 year veteran of the Senate gave what boiled down to the old, “I didn’t leave the party, the party left me” speech, saying that the Republican red shift of the past eight years left his politics more in line with those of the opposition. Many of his colleagues we “shocked,” some were “stunned” and “saddened,” while others were excited to be “cleansing” the party of inferior conservatives. RNC Chairman Michael Steele completely wigged out, first in a written statement, then later in radio and television interviews asserting that in the 2010 election cycle, he (Steele) and the Republicans will be, “coming after (Specter) and taking you out,” after which he talked a little smack about Specter’s mama. Party spokesman Rush Limbaugh applauded Specter’s departure, urging him to take John McCain and his daughter Meghan with him. That’s right Rush, purify—sanctify the party. Cleanse the master race.
I spent a significant portion of the previous post discussing torture, and the bizarre, convoluted debate surrounding it in Washington. But I think I failed to make the following point. The President and the Congress of the United States have far more urgent matters to waste their time on than trying to land Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld in prison. Let it go. Cheney can’t harm anyone anymore—aside from his hunting partners. It does this country absolutely no good to expend valuable time and energy investigating what the definition of “is” was. Make sure it doesn’t happen again and move on.
As a footnote to the tea time protests of a couple weeks ago, the version of the budget outline agreed upon in conference committee today eliminates Obama’s proposed middle class tax cut, while continuing to extend the Bush tax cuts of 2003. All you demonstrators earning more than $250,000/yr. can return home and rest easy. Your taxes won’t be increasing at all. Mission accomplished.
Chrysler announced today it has reached a deal with Fiat and the UAW to avoid bankruptcy. The deal will turn 35% of the company over to Fiat, divide 10% between the federal government and secured lenders (banks and hedge funds) and give the remaining 55% to the auto workers. General Motors is attempting to structure a similar deal, ideally with far less than the 50% governmental stake currently proposed. I hope this works. (It most likely won’t for GM, which would push them into bankruptcy court.) And I hope that if/when GM and Chrysler return to profitability, the government will recoup the money it has poured into those companies, sell it’s shares and get the hell out of the automobile business for good.
At the same time they announced their radical restructuring plan on Monday, General Motors also announced it will cut 21,000 additional jobs and discontinue the Pontiac nameplate. Fortunately, Pontiac doesn’t make anything anybody’s going to miss.
According to an article on Oprah.com, (please, don’t ask me how I came across this), more women are leaving men for other women. Apparently women have finally figured out what men have known for millennia. Chicks are pretty sweet. They smell better too.
Damn you, Chicago Blackhawks. Damn you all.
Finally tonight, we return to Minnesota. Land of lakes, Lutherans, and one congresswoman Michelle Bachmann. The gift that keeps on giving. Merely days after passionately insisting on the floor of the House of Representatives that carbon dioxide couldn’t possibly be harmful because, “it’s natural,” (you know, natural, like arsenic, and anthrax, and I don’t know, swine flu), Bachmann offered up this gem in an interview with Pajamas TV (whatever that is);
“I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president Jimmy Carter. And I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.”
Sigh. First, the swine flu scare took place in 1976. Gerald Ford was president. He was a Republican. Of course, Bachmann has never been concerned with facts. But more importantly, exactly what is she getting at? Does she suspect some sinister collaboration between pigs, influenza and Democratic administrations to infect the American population with communicable diseases at 33 years intervals? Is she aware that the only reason people interview her is the guarantee that she’ll say something incredibly stupid? And who are the crack-heads that keep voting her into office? Come on Minnesota! We expect better from you! Given your track record I can’t figure out why, but we do. At least Floridians had an excuse. They’re all retired; they don’t have to think anymore. What’s your excuse? It’s not THAT cold up there.
4.29.2009
4.22.2009
Super Secret Locations
It’s performance review week at work. I can’t wait.
The White House decided this week to release previously classified information detailing the formulation of and the justification of enhanced interrogation techniques. Also known affectionately as “the Torture Memos.” The documents detail the evolution of U.S. interrogation policy under the previous administration and the extent of the mental and legal gymnastics former administration officials were forced to go through to justify actions that—at least in some cases—explicitly violated all manner of laws and treaties. As if that weren’t enough, they also indicated that when certain administration spokespersons claimed that practices like water-boarding were used only sparingly (I believe the statement was “only on three occasions”), they weren’t quite telling the truth. I suppose that determination could depend on how one chose to define “truth,” but there is a fair bit of distance between “only sparingly” and 266, the actual number of instances of water-boarding. I mean, they were only off by 263, but really, what are a couple hundred instances of torture between friends.
True to form, former vice president Dick Cheney sprang to his own defense claiming that all this talk of memos, lies and torture is moot because whatever techniques his administration utilized to extract information from suspects worked. They got valuable information that prevented attacks, so shut up and leave his administration alone and please don’t toss his sorry butt in prison for the rest of his life. Sounds reasonable on the surface, doesn’t it? Well, no, not really. This whole rationalization of using torture to extract information because it is effective is ridiculous, and frankly a little disturbing. It’s like listening to a man say, “Well of course I should be allowed to beat my wife! I beat my wife to keep her from cheating on me. Since I started beating the crap out of her (you know, breaking some ribs, blackening a few eyes, drowning her in the tub, that sort of thing) she hasn’t been cheating on me, so obviously beating her into submission is working and I should be allowed to continue doing it!”
For seven years Richard Cheney hid away in some super secret location somewhere, out of sight and almost out of mind. What do we have to do to get him to go back there? Civilized people do not torture other human beings—not because torture damages the tortured, but because it diminishes the torturer. It’s not about them, it never has been. This is about us, about who we are, what we stand for and what kind of civilization we want to be. Torture CANNOT be the official policy—the default position—of the United States government. There may be times in the heat of battle when people do things they wouldn’t ordinarily do, or moments in which someone decides that torture is the only expedient way to extract the necessary information, but those MUST be the EXCEPTION, not the rule. And when those instances arise they must be treated seriously and fairly by the justice system to ensure that such actions have not been undertaken lightly. It’s one thing to have a jury of 12 peers decide certain actions were justified, it’s something else entirely for the government to sanction the use of procedures they would prosecute to the fullest extent of the law if used against its own citizens.
Last week, at a “tea party” in Texas, governor Rick Perry made the following statement: “We’ve got a great Union, there’s absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, who knows what may come of that?” We’ll deal with the political implications of that in a minute. When called on what many interpreted as advocating secession from the Union, Perry claimed he was misinterpreted, saying, “…I said that we have a great Union and there’s no reason to dissolve it. I don’t remember the exact quote, but that’s (the essence of) what I said.” Um, yeah. Not exactly. Perry is only in his sixties. Selective memory shouldn’t have kicked in just yet.
I can’t believe we actually have to discuss this in 2009, but Texas DOES NOT have the right to secede from the United States. A brief history lesson. At the time Texas entered the Union it was an independent Republic. In 1845, Texas was admitted to the Union as the 28th state, and the treaty under which it did so gave the state certain privileges. (One of those privileges was that at some later date, Texas could invoke the right to split and become five states instead of one. However, in 1861, Texas seceded from the United States and joined the Confederate States of America. The resulting Civil War and the deaths of 620,000 soldiers established that secession from the United States was illegal. To reinforce that fact, the United States Supreme Court, in Texas v. White in 1869 ruled that Texas had remained a state ever since it first joined the Union, despite its joining the Confederate States of America. The court further held that the U.S. Constitution did not permit states to secede from the United States, and that the ordinances of secession, and all the acts of the legislatures within seceding states intended to give effect to such ordinances, were “absolutely null.” When indulging his secessionist fantasies, Perry—and others like him—seem to be counting on the notion that invoking the clause in the original treaty to split Texas into five states, and that the prospect of granting Texas eight addition senators would so offend their sensibilities that Congress would expel them from the Union. Unfortunately for Rick, the civil War and Texas v. White make it pretty clear that neither he—nor the state of Texas—will be going anywhere soon. I thought we used to have a word for individuals who advocated secession. I believe it started with a “T.”
After passing General Motors as the world’s largest automaker early this year, Toyota has been supplanted by Volkswagen as the dominant global vehicle manufacturer. I guess it’s tough being on top.
Last week, as President Obama prepared to travel to Trinidad to attend the Summit of the Americas, Cuban president Raul Castro was seen on television making the emphatic statement that Cuba was ready to talk to the United States, and that “everything” was on the table. “Everything” reported included freedom of the press, political prisoners, free markets, the whole kit and caboodle. Today, former Cuban president Fidel Castro issued a statement claiming that his brother’s remarks had been misinterpreted. Do I detect some dissention in the ranks?
Earlier this week, Jamaican police stormed a Canadian airplane grounded at the Kingston airport and retook it from a single hijacker, who apparently wanted to go to Cuba. Two things about this story. First, Canadians get hijacked? Really? And second, what kind of an idiot wants to leave Jamaica for Cuba?
Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani has announced that he wants to be the standard bearer for “traditional marriage” in the state of New York. I guess he would know something about traditional marriages. He’s had three of them. But when the guy who kicked his wife and daughter out of the mayoral mansion so that he could move his girlfriend in starts touting the virtues of traditional marriage, there’s very little left for me to do. The jokes just write themselves.
In a sad story from south Florida this week, 16 horses died prior to a polo match, and five more passed away afterward on their way to receive treatment. Veterinarians suspect the horses were poisoned. Each horse was reported worth in excess of 100K, totaling monetary losses of over 2 million dollars. Follow the money.
On the lighter side of sports, the Detroit Lions debuted a new, “meaner” lion logo on Monday. Actually, someone just took an eraser and swiped it across the logo four times and charged them a million dollars. Meanwhile, 400 miles away in Washington D.C., baseballs’ Washington Nationals paid somebody a large sum of money to misspell the team name on their jerseys, then played a game on national television as the Washington “Natinals.” Not satisfied with just one PR disaster, the following day the team fined one of its players for returning to practice five minutes late from a charity event where he was signing autographs for children. The charity is now holding bake sale to raise money to help pay the player’s $15,000 fine. Strangely fitting that these stories took place in Detroit and Washington D.C., isn’t it? I suppose there is always the possibility that a meaner logo will improve team performance. It worked for the Arizona Cardinals.
Finally, could someone please explain this Susan Boyle phenomenon to me? Apparently, last week, in the British (original) version of American Idol, an unattractive, middle-aged, some might say “frumpy” woman took the stage to audition. All three judges—including professional curmudgeon Simon Cowell—and the entire audience was prepared to laugh her off the stage and all the way to whatever cave William Hung is currently living in. Until she opened her mouth to sing. Rumor is that she absolutely blew everyone away with her voice, becoming an overnight YouTube sensation with over 20 million views of her performance. People were stunned(?) and touched(?) by this story, gushing over it in columns and blogs and television interviews. But why? Because she’s unattractive? What exactly does that say about Western culture? What does it say about people that they were surprised that, as one person put it, “such a beautiful voice could come out of that face”? If she had looked like Charlize Theron or Carrie Underwood she would have been just another contestant trash talked and dismissed by Simon Cowell and his Idol lemmings. Are people really truly surprised that pretty people don’t have a monopoly on talent? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
The White House decided this week to release previously classified information detailing the formulation of and the justification of enhanced interrogation techniques. Also known affectionately as “the Torture Memos.” The documents detail the evolution of U.S. interrogation policy under the previous administration and the extent of the mental and legal gymnastics former administration officials were forced to go through to justify actions that—at least in some cases—explicitly violated all manner of laws and treaties. As if that weren’t enough, they also indicated that when certain administration spokespersons claimed that practices like water-boarding were used only sparingly (I believe the statement was “only on three occasions”), they weren’t quite telling the truth. I suppose that determination could depend on how one chose to define “truth,” but there is a fair bit of distance between “only sparingly” and 266, the actual number of instances of water-boarding. I mean, they were only off by 263, but really, what are a couple hundred instances of torture between friends.
True to form, former vice president Dick Cheney sprang to his own defense claiming that all this talk of memos, lies and torture is moot because whatever techniques his administration utilized to extract information from suspects worked. They got valuable information that prevented attacks, so shut up and leave his administration alone and please don’t toss his sorry butt in prison for the rest of his life. Sounds reasonable on the surface, doesn’t it? Well, no, not really. This whole rationalization of using torture to extract information because it is effective is ridiculous, and frankly a little disturbing. It’s like listening to a man say, “Well of course I should be allowed to beat my wife! I beat my wife to keep her from cheating on me. Since I started beating the crap out of her (you know, breaking some ribs, blackening a few eyes, drowning her in the tub, that sort of thing) she hasn’t been cheating on me, so obviously beating her into submission is working and I should be allowed to continue doing it!”
For seven years Richard Cheney hid away in some super secret location somewhere, out of sight and almost out of mind. What do we have to do to get him to go back there? Civilized people do not torture other human beings—not because torture damages the tortured, but because it diminishes the torturer. It’s not about them, it never has been. This is about us, about who we are, what we stand for and what kind of civilization we want to be. Torture CANNOT be the official policy—the default position—of the United States government. There may be times in the heat of battle when people do things they wouldn’t ordinarily do, or moments in which someone decides that torture is the only expedient way to extract the necessary information, but those MUST be the EXCEPTION, not the rule. And when those instances arise they must be treated seriously and fairly by the justice system to ensure that such actions have not been undertaken lightly. It’s one thing to have a jury of 12 peers decide certain actions were justified, it’s something else entirely for the government to sanction the use of procedures they would prosecute to the fullest extent of the law if used against its own citizens.
Last week, at a “tea party” in Texas, governor Rick Perry made the following statement: “We’ve got a great Union, there’s absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, who knows what may come of that?” We’ll deal with the political implications of that in a minute. When called on what many interpreted as advocating secession from the Union, Perry claimed he was misinterpreted, saying, “…I said that we have a great Union and there’s no reason to dissolve it. I don’t remember the exact quote, but that’s (the essence of) what I said.” Um, yeah. Not exactly. Perry is only in his sixties. Selective memory shouldn’t have kicked in just yet.
I can’t believe we actually have to discuss this in 2009, but Texas DOES NOT have the right to secede from the United States. A brief history lesson. At the time Texas entered the Union it was an independent Republic. In 1845, Texas was admitted to the Union as the 28th state, and the treaty under which it did so gave the state certain privileges. (One of those privileges was that at some later date, Texas could invoke the right to split and become five states instead of one. However, in 1861, Texas seceded from the United States and joined the Confederate States of America. The resulting Civil War and the deaths of 620,000 soldiers established that secession from the United States was illegal. To reinforce that fact, the United States Supreme Court, in Texas v. White in 1869 ruled that Texas had remained a state ever since it first joined the Union, despite its joining the Confederate States of America. The court further held that the U.S. Constitution did not permit states to secede from the United States, and that the ordinances of secession, and all the acts of the legislatures within seceding states intended to give effect to such ordinances, were “absolutely null.” When indulging his secessionist fantasies, Perry—and others like him—seem to be counting on the notion that invoking the clause in the original treaty to split Texas into five states, and that the prospect of granting Texas eight addition senators would so offend their sensibilities that Congress would expel them from the Union. Unfortunately for Rick, the civil War and Texas v. White make it pretty clear that neither he—nor the state of Texas—will be going anywhere soon. I thought we used to have a word for individuals who advocated secession. I believe it started with a “T.”
After passing General Motors as the world’s largest automaker early this year, Toyota has been supplanted by Volkswagen as the dominant global vehicle manufacturer. I guess it’s tough being on top.
Last week, as President Obama prepared to travel to Trinidad to attend the Summit of the Americas, Cuban president Raul Castro was seen on television making the emphatic statement that Cuba was ready to talk to the United States, and that “everything” was on the table. “Everything” reported included freedom of the press, political prisoners, free markets, the whole kit and caboodle. Today, former Cuban president Fidel Castro issued a statement claiming that his brother’s remarks had been misinterpreted. Do I detect some dissention in the ranks?
Earlier this week, Jamaican police stormed a Canadian airplane grounded at the Kingston airport and retook it from a single hijacker, who apparently wanted to go to Cuba. Two things about this story. First, Canadians get hijacked? Really? And second, what kind of an idiot wants to leave Jamaica for Cuba?
Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani has announced that he wants to be the standard bearer for “traditional marriage” in the state of New York. I guess he would know something about traditional marriages. He’s had three of them. But when the guy who kicked his wife and daughter out of the mayoral mansion so that he could move his girlfriend in starts touting the virtues of traditional marriage, there’s very little left for me to do. The jokes just write themselves.
In a sad story from south Florida this week, 16 horses died prior to a polo match, and five more passed away afterward on their way to receive treatment. Veterinarians suspect the horses were poisoned. Each horse was reported worth in excess of 100K, totaling monetary losses of over 2 million dollars. Follow the money.
On the lighter side of sports, the Detroit Lions debuted a new, “meaner” lion logo on Monday. Actually, someone just took an eraser and swiped it across the logo four times and charged them a million dollars. Meanwhile, 400 miles away in Washington D.C., baseballs’ Washington Nationals paid somebody a large sum of money to misspell the team name on their jerseys, then played a game on national television as the Washington “Natinals.” Not satisfied with just one PR disaster, the following day the team fined one of its players for returning to practice five minutes late from a charity event where he was signing autographs for children. The charity is now holding bake sale to raise money to help pay the player’s $15,000 fine. Strangely fitting that these stories took place in Detroit and Washington D.C., isn’t it? I suppose there is always the possibility that a meaner logo will improve team performance. It worked for the Arizona Cardinals.
Finally, could someone please explain this Susan Boyle phenomenon to me? Apparently, last week, in the British (original) version of American Idol, an unattractive, middle-aged, some might say “frumpy” woman took the stage to audition. All three judges—including professional curmudgeon Simon Cowell—and the entire audience was prepared to laugh her off the stage and all the way to whatever cave William Hung is currently living in. Until she opened her mouth to sing. Rumor is that she absolutely blew everyone away with her voice, becoming an overnight YouTube sensation with over 20 million views of her performance. People were stunned(?) and touched(?) by this story, gushing over it in columns and blogs and television interviews. But why? Because she’s unattractive? What exactly does that say about Western culture? What does it say about people that they were surprised that, as one person put it, “such a beautiful voice could come out of that face”? If she had looked like Charlize Theron or Carrie Underwood she would have been just another contestant trash talked and dismissed by Simon Cowell and his Idol lemmings. Are people really truly surprised that pretty people don’t have a monopoly on talent? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
4.16.2009
Dissent and Taxes
Today is tax day. If you’re hearing this for the first time, you have better things to do than read this post.
Due to an unusual circumstance at my paying job I was out of town yesterday and unable to complete this week’s installment of levity and sarcasm on time. I blame the Stimulus Bill. If only our clients hadn’t received their stimulus money I might have all the time in the world to sit on my couch musing about how much tea I could be sending to Washington. Damn that useless piece of legislation.
This past Sunday, U.S. Navy SEALs ended the five-day-old hostage situation with three rifle shots, freeing captured captain Richard Phillips. Congratulations on a happy ending. Let’s try to prevent this from happening again. Some pundits have called for an invasion of Somalia to take care of the pirate problem. I think there are several steps we can take before involving America in another war. For example, merchant vessels traveling through pirate-infested waters could hire private security, or, neighboring countries – perhaps funded by a third party – could hire private military contractors to seek out and destroy pirate vessels and property. I hear that Xe (formerly Blackwater Worldwide) is looking for work.
Some of the same pundits who are spoiling for another war also insist in labeling Somali pirates, terrorists. Let’s be perfectly clear about something. They are not terrorists. They are pirates. Words mean things. I know we’ve kind of let that slide for the past several years, but it’s important to remember. Someone who uses violence to achieve a political goal or make a political statement is a terrorist. Someone who hijacks a ship at sea and holds it for ransom is a pirate. Someone who shoots his wife and three kids, then turns the gun on himself is a coward and a criminal. All three are not the same. I know that it simplified the world-view of some if they can simply lump all the bad people into one category and nuke them all, but life is simply more complex than they may be comfortable with.
As mentioned previously, today is tax day. To celebrate, conservative activists held hundreds of little “tea parties” around the country today in protest of… well, let’s be honest, in protest of losing the election. Two hundred thirty-plus years ago, colonist snuck aboard British merchant vessels under cover of darkness and dumped tea into Boston harbor to protest British taxes levied against the colonists by a government in which they were not represented. This concept later morphed into the Revolutionary slogan, “No taxation without representation.” Apparently, some individuals attending these “tea parties” are under the impression that this is currently happening to them. Their impression is of course, false. American citizens are taxed WITH representation. That’s what those 535 congressmen and senators (well, 534 at the moment, ahem, Minnesota) in the big white building in Washington D.C. are there for, to represent you. I am taxed without representation, (as I am as yet unable to vote.) You are not. Other party attendees could be heard complaining to any open microphone they could find that the government “isn’t listening to (them).” Also not true. They’re actually just ignoring you. Sort of like your president did to them for the past eight years. Doesn’t feel so good, does it. You see, you had your say, a little over three months ago. Unfortunately for you, more people said something different, and their voices overwhelmed yours. That’s the way the system works in America. To co-opt and modify a phase coined by conservative commentator Charles Krauthammer in reference to the vilification of a previous president, the right in this country is suffering from Obama derangement syndrome, “the acute onset of paranoia in otherwise normal people in reaction to the policies, the presidency – nay – the very existence of Barack Obama.” Don’t get on television complaining about how the president is the anti-Christ and system is broken and doesn’t reflect the will of the people, because he’s not, it isn’t, and it does. Just be honest. You’re angry because you lost. There’s no shame in that. Keep sending in those teabags. I’m sure the homeless in Washington would love to drink something other than stale coffee and tap water for a few days.
The Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, (read three guys in a basement with a fax machine) are demanding Burger King immediately pull a new advertisement featuring the King delivering a remix/parody of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s 90’s hit “Baby Got Back” titled, “I Like Square Butts.” According to the ad, if you purchase an adult BK Value Meal, you can get a BK Kids Meal featuring the one and only, SpongeBob SquarePants. The add is pretty funny, and the CCFC lacks any sense of humor, but maybe I was expecting too much from an organization that launched a letter-writing campaign in the age of e-mail, Twitter and text messages.
This past Monday, a passenger on board a twin-engine aircraft successfully landed the plane after the pilot died suddenly shortly after take-off. Seriously? This stuff actually happens in real life? Now it helps that said passenger also had his pilot’s license – albeit for much smaller aircraft – but even so, what are the odds that there would be a passenger with a pilot’s license on board a flight with a dead pilot? Somebody was definitely living right.
Finally this week, in an effort to regain some control over her image, Lindsay Lohan filmed a spoof eHarmony personal ad for Funny or Die this week in which she announces she is single and looking for love. Far too often celebrities forget how to poke fun at themselves and end up strung out, flat broke and starring in low rent B movies on SciFi Channel. For the last few years Lohan looked as though she were headed in that direction. But demonstrating the ability to laugh at one’s self indicates a level of maturity absent in many adults that might allow her to understand that there is more to life than the self-created fantasy world in which so many people in the entertainment industry seem to exist. Good job Lindsay. If you can remember to at least wear underwear when you pass out drunk in your car around town, it’s a step in the right direction.
Due to an unusual circumstance at my paying job I was out of town yesterday and unable to complete this week’s installment of levity and sarcasm on time. I blame the Stimulus Bill. If only our clients hadn’t received their stimulus money I might have all the time in the world to sit on my couch musing about how much tea I could be sending to Washington. Damn that useless piece of legislation.
This past Sunday, U.S. Navy SEALs ended the five-day-old hostage situation with three rifle shots, freeing captured captain Richard Phillips. Congratulations on a happy ending. Let’s try to prevent this from happening again. Some pundits have called for an invasion of Somalia to take care of the pirate problem. I think there are several steps we can take before involving America in another war. For example, merchant vessels traveling through pirate-infested waters could hire private security, or, neighboring countries – perhaps funded by a third party – could hire private military contractors to seek out and destroy pirate vessels and property. I hear that Xe (formerly Blackwater Worldwide) is looking for work.
Some of the same pundits who are spoiling for another war also insist in labeling Somali pirates, terrorists. Let’s be perfectly clear about something. They are not terrorists. They are pirates. Words mean things. I know we’ve kind of let that slide for the past several years, but it’s important to remember. Someone who uses violence to achieve a political goal or make a political statement is a terrorist. Someone who hijacks a ship at sea and holds it for ransom is a pirate. Someone who shoots his wife and three kids, then turns the gun on himself is a coward and a criminal. All three are not the same. I know that it simplified the world-view of some if they can simply lump all the bad people into one category and nuke them all, but life is simply more complex than they may be comfortable with.
As mentioned previously, today is tax day. To celebrate, conservative activists held hundreds of little “tea parties” around the country today in protest of… well, let’s be honest, in protest of losing the election. Two hundred thirty-plus years ago, colonist snuck aboard British merchant vessels under cover of darkness and dumped tea into Boston harbor to protest British taxes levied against the colonists by a government in which they were not represented. This concept later morphed into the Revolutionary slogan, “No taxation without representation.” Apparently, some individuals attending these “tea parties” are under the impression that this is currently happening to them. Their impression is of course, false. American citizens are taxed WITH representation. That’s what those 535 congressmen and senators (well, 534 at the moment, ahem, Minnesota) in the big white building in Washington D.C. are there for, to represent you. I am taxed without representation, (as I am as yet unable to vote.) You are not. Other party attendees could be heard complaining to any open microphone they could find that the government “isn’t listening to (them).” Also not true. They’re actually just ignoring you. Sort of like your president did to them for the past eight years. Doesn’t feel so good, does it. You see, you had your say, a little over three months ago. Unfortunately for you, more people said something different, and their voices overwhelmed yours. That’s the way the system works in America. To co-opt and modify a phase coined by conservative commentator Charles Krauthammer in reference to the vilification of a previous president, the right in this country is suffering from Obama derangement syndrome, “the acute onset of paranoia in otherwise normal people in reaction to the policies, the presidency – nay – the very existence of Barack Obama.” Don’t get on television complaining about how the president is the anti-Christ and system is broken and doesn’t reflect the will of the people, because he’s not, it isn’t, and it does. Just be honest. You’re angry because you lost. There’s no shame in that. Keep sending in those teabags. I’m sure the homeless in Washington would love to drink something other than stale coffee and tap water for a few days.
The Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, (read three guys in a basement with a fax machine) are demanding Burger King immediately pull a new advertisement featuring the King delivering a remix/parody of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s 90’s hit “Baby Got Back” titled, “I Like Square Butts.” According to the ad, if you purchase an adult BK Value Meal, you can get a BK Kids Meal featuring the one and only, SpongeBob SquarePants. The add is pretty funny, and the CCFC lacks any sense of humor, but maybe I was expecting too much from an organization that launched a letter-writing campaign in the age of e-mail, Twitter and text messages.
This past Monday, a passenger on board a twin-engine aircraft successfully landed the plane after the pilot died suddenly shortly after take-off. Seriously? This stuff actually happens in real life? Now it helps that said passenger also had his pilot’s license – albeit for much smaller aircraft – but even so, what are the odds that there would be a passenger with a pilot’s license on board a flight with a dead pilot? Somebody was definitely living right.
Finally this week, in an effort to regain some control over her image, Lindsay Lohan filmed a spoof eHarmony personal ad for Funny or Die this week in which she announces she is single and looking for love. Far too often celebrities forget how to poke fun at themselves and end up strung out, flat broke and starring in low rent B movies on SciFi Channel. For the last few years Lohan looked as though she were headed in that direction. But demonstrating the ability to laugh at one’s self indicates a level of maturity absent in many adults that might allow her to understand that there is more to life than the self-created fantasy world in which so many people in the entertainment industry seem to exist. Good job Lindsay. If you can remember to at least wear underwear when you pass out drunk in your car around town, it’s a step in the right direction.
4.08.2009
In Like A Lion
In like a lion, out like a lamb. That’s what they say about March. They, have obviously never been to Indiana. There’s also something about April showers bringing May flowers. I think they were referring to rain showers, not snow.
Former Bush speechwriter and noted conservative (and Canadian by the way) David Frum wrote an opinion piece this week claiming that President Obama accomplished little during his European tour this past week. After eight years of American presidents accomplishing nothing on overseas trips, little, is a dramatic improvement.
While Obama did not secure any groundbreaking policy commitments, (disregarding agreement on financial regulations, nuclear arms reduction and genuine good will), he did begin the arduous process of repairing relations with the rest of the world. Instead of peering into other people’s eyes and seeing their souls, he looked at the summit participants and saw them for who they really are, political leaders of nations with different interests and agendas from those of the United States. And while they don’t want to be bludgeoned into doing America’s bidding, they might be convinced to work with America on issues of mutual interest. What the Bush administration never understood, and what the conservative movement by extension continues to misunderstand, is that the rest of the world is fully aware that the United States is the most powerful nation on earth. But they neither want nor need to have it lorded over their heads all the time. They want to be treated like sovereign nations, not U.S. Territories.
When the media wasn’t covering Barack Obama mediating disputes between the French and Chinese Presidents, the story was Michelle Obama. Apparently she is the second coming of Princess Grace and Jacqueline Onassis. The French press declared her to be bigger than French first lady, pop star and former super model Carla Bruni. Mrs. Obama drew crowds as large or larger than those that turned out for her husband. Buckingham Palace even issued a statement declaring that her much ballyhooed embrace of the queen was simply a spontaneous, mutual display of affection. She’s untouchable. It’s like she’s this incredibly effective ambassador for America, someone people look up to and believe embodies the all the positive values of this country, worthy of emulation. It’s somewhat refreshing.
As promised, the GOP unveiled its alternative budget proposal last Wednesday, April Fools Day. After reviewing the details, one could be forgiven for mistaking the afore mentioned proposal for an April Fool’s prank. Absent from the budget alternative was any mention of healthcare, energy or education. Instead we were promised a spending freeze on everything but defense (proving once again that Republicans can always find money to blow things up), and, of course, tax cuts. Apparently the GOP believes the condition of the healthcare system, the environment and the educational system will improve so long as we continue to ignore them. Hard to argue with logic like that, isn’t it?
Not content to look like April fools with their faux budget proposal, GOP representatives also issued a statement claiming that any use of the budget reconciliation process to pass the President’s budget priorities (a process the Republican Congressional majority used at least three times during the past eight years to pass President Bush’s tax cuts) would derail any chance for compromise. Do they think we’re all idiots? What chance for compromise? Republicans have proven repeatedly over the past ten weeks that they have no intention of signing on to any of the President’s initiatives, regardless of the circumstances. Republican leadership still doesn’t seem to understand that bipartisanship does not mean simply giving in to everything they want.
And now for a little comic relief.
This past Monday the Iowa Supreme Court struck down the state law prohibiting gay marriage. Not to be outdone, less than one day later the Vermont legislature soundly over rode the governor’s veto (100-49 in the House and 23-5 in the Senate) of a bill legalizing gay marriage in Vermont. Riding the wave, the District of Columbia promptly passed legislation stating it would recognize legal same-sex marriages performed in other states as legal in D.C. That brings the tally of states in which same-sex marriage is legal to 4 1/2. At some point, probably sooner rather than later, the United States Supreme Court is going to have “man up” and make a ruling on this issue. They’ve been avoiding it like the plague, treating it like its some reincarnation of Bush vs. Gore. They can’t duck this forever.
Merely hours after Secretary of Defense Robert Gates debuted the administration’s priorities for the U.S. military, the opposition dusted off the old GOP playbook and attacked. Republican Senator James Inhofe accused the President of attempting to “disarm America.” Obama will apparently accomplish this by INCREASING the defense budget by 4%, dropping plans for a new fleet of over-priced presidential helicopters, (a move supported by several notable Republicans like John McCain), ending production of the F-22 stealth fighter (in an era in which stealth aircraft are now detectable by all our major allies as well as threats to our air superiority), reducing the missile defense program and attempting to shift military priorities – and funding to counter-insurgency technologies and personnel. In what universe is a 4% increase a catastrophic budget cut? The opposition to this budget proposal – as it always is – is an example of NIMBY at it’s finest. Production of the F-22 is spread across 44 states. Congress doesn’t care one bit that the aircraft is over-priced and obsolete, and could be replaced with something relevant and less expensive. They simply don’t want to lose jobs in their distract. All those Southern representatives who had no trouble telling autoworkers in Michigan Ohio and Indiana to stick it where the sun don’t shine will be the first to show up on the steps of the Capitol, pitch forks in hand, demanding the government protect the jobs of hard-working “real Americans.”
Just when you thought he was out of your hair, the hair returns to haunt your news. Late last week, former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was indicted on 16 counts of political corruption in connection with his alleged attempted selling of Barack Obama’s senate seat. Blago is poised to become the second consecutive Illinois governor to find himself behind bars. This delightful piece of rogue trivia came in the same week that new Attorney General Eric Holder dismissed all corruption charges against Alaska senator Ted Stevens due to the fact that prosecutors failed to turn over potentially exculpatory evidence to the defense. So, residents of Illinois and Alaska get a little something for everyone. Illini get one of their own in the White House and another in the Big House. Alaskans may have missed out on sassy Sarah as Dick Cheney lite, but they can reclaim Uncle Ted, provider of the Bridge to Nowhere. I guess that’s fair.
The story of the day comes to us from Somalia, where for the first time since 1804, pirates commandeered a ship under a U.S. flag. Their victory was short lived however, as the crew promptly retook their ship, taking one of the pirates into custody. The other three managed to escape to the lifeboat with the captain as a hostage. Unmanned Navy surveillance aircraft continue to track the position of the lifeboat as a destroyer and its compliment of helicopters make their way toward it. What will happen when the cavalry arrives is anybody’s guess, but I’d be willing to bet that it will probably be another 205 years before pirates intentionally attack another American ship.
Finally, Levi Johnston, former fiancee of one Bristol Palin apparently misses the bright lights of the campaign. He found his way back into the spotlight last week with an appearance on the Tyra show. Appearing with his mother and sister, Mr. Johnston lamented his break-up with his ex-fiancee, admitted (the obvious) that he did use protection - most of the time - and insinuated that Governor Palin knew that he and her daughter were not “saving themselves for marriage.” The Palin public relations machine, apparently oblivious to more substantive issues like the storage of millions of gallons of flammable fuel in the shadow of an active volcano, expended valueless airtime refuting Johnston’s claims, labeling him a liar and an attention-seeker. Seriously, am I the only one relieved that this episode of Jerry Springer never made it anywhere near Pennsylvania Avenue?
Former Bush speechwriter and noted conservative (and Canadian by the way) David Frum wrote an opinion piece this week claiming that President Obama accomplished little during his European tour this past week. After eight years of American presidents accomplishing nothing on overseas trips, little, is a dramatic improvement.
While Obama did not secure any groundbreaking policy commitments, (disregarding agreement on financial regulations, nuclear arms reduction and genuine good will), he did begin the arduous process of repairing relations with the rest of the world. Instead of peering into other people’s eyes and seeing their souls, he looked at the summit participants and saw them for who they really are, political leaders of nations with different interests and agendas from those of the United States. And while they don’t want to be bludgeoned into doing America’s bidding, they might be convinced to work with America on issues of mutual interest. What the Bush administration never understood, and what the conservative movement by extension continues to misunderstand, is that the rest of the world is fully aware that the United States is the most powerful nation on earth. But they neither want nor need to have it lorded over their heads all the time. They want to be treated like sovereign nations, not U.S. Territories.
When the media wasn’t covering Barack Obama mediating disputes between the French and Chinese Presidents, the story was Michelle Obama. Apparently she is the second coming of Princess Grace and Jacqueline Onassis. The French press declared her to be bigger than French first lady, pop star and former super model Carla Bruni. Mrs. Obama drew crowds as large or larger than those that turned out for her husband. Buckingham Palace even issued a statement declaring that her much ballyhooed embrace of the queen was simply a spontaneous, mutual display of affection. She’s untouchable. It’s like she’s this incredibly effective ambassador for America, someone people look up to and believe embodies the all the positive values of this country, worthy of emulation. It’s somewhat refreshing.
As promised, the GOP unveiled its alternative budget proposal last Wednesday, April Fools Day. After reviewing the details, one could be forgiven for mistaking the afore mentioned proposal for an April Fool’s prank. Absent from the budget alternative was any mention of healthcare, energy or education. Instead we were promised a spending freeze on everything but defense (proving once again that Republicans can always find money to blow things up), and, of course, tax cuts. Apparently the GOP believes the condition of the healthcare system, the environment and the educational system will improve so long as we continue to ignore them. Hard to argue with logic like that, isn’t it?
Not content to look like April fools with their faux budget proposal, GOP representatives also issued a statement claiming that any use of the budget reconciliation process to pass the President’s budget priorities (a process the Republican Congressional majority used at least three times during the past eight years to pass President Bush’s tax cuts) would derail any chance for compromise. Do they think we’re all idiots? What chance for compromise? Republicans have proven repeatedly over the past ten weeks that they have no intention of signing on to any of the President’s initiatives, regardless of the circumstances. Republican leadership still doesn’t seem to understand that bipartisanship does not mean simply giving in to everything they want.
And now for a little comic relief.
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | M - Th 11p / 10c | |||
| Baracknophobia - Obey | ||||
| ||||
This past Monday the Iowa Supreme Court struck down the state law prohibiting gay marriage. Not to be outdone, less than one day later the Vermont legislature soundly over rode the governor’s veto (100-49 in the House and 23-5 in the Senate) of a bill legalizing gay marriage in Vermont. Riding the wave, the District of Columbia promptly passed legislation stating it would recognize legal same-sex marriages performed in other states as legal in D.C. That brings the tally of states in which same-sex marriage is legal to 4 1/2. At some point, probably sooner rather than later, the United States Supreme Court is going to have “man up” and make a ruling on this issue. They’ve been avoiding it like the plague, treating it like its some reincarnation of Bush vs. Gore. They can’t duck this forever.
Merely hours after Secretary of Defense Robert Gates debuted the administration’s priorities for the U.S. military, the opposition dusted off the old GOP playbook and attacked. Republican Senator James Inhofe accused the President of attempting to “disarm America.” Obama will apparently accomplish this by INCREASING the defense budget by 4%, dropping plans for a new fleet of over-priced presidential helicopters, (a move supported by several notable Republicans like John McCain), ending production of the F-22 stealth fighter (in an era in which stealth aircraft are now detectable by all our major allies as well as threats to our air superiority), reducing the missile defense program and attempting to shift military priorities – and funding to counter-insurgency technologies and personnel. In what universe is a 4% increase a catastrophic budget cut? The opposition to this budget proposal – as it always is – is an example of NIMBY at it’s finest. Production of the F-22 is spread across 44 states. Congress doesn’t care one bit that the aircraft is over-priced and obsolete, and could be replaced with something relevant and less expensive. They simply don’t want to lose jobs in their distract. All those Southern representatives who had no trouble telling autoworkers in Michigan Ohio and Indiana to stick it where the sun don’t shine will be the first to show up on the steps of the Capitol, pitch forks in hand, demanding the government protect the jobs of hard-working “real Americans.”
Just when you thought he was out of your hair, the hair returns to haunt your news. Late last week, former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was indicted on 16 counts of political corruption in connection with his alleged attempted selling of Barack Obama’s senate seat. Blago is poised to become the second consecutive Illinois governor to find himself behind bars. This delightful piece of rogue trivia came in the same week that new Attorney General Eric Holder dismissed all corruption charges against Alaska senator Ted Stevens due to the fact that prosecutors failed to turn over potentially exculpatory evidence to the defense. So, residents of Illinois and Alaska get a little something for everyone. Illini get one of their own in the White House and another in the Big House. Alaskans may have missed out on sassy Sarah as Dick Cheney lite, but they can reclaim Uncle Ted, provider of the Bridge to Nowhere. I guess that’s fair.
The story of the day comes to us from Somalia, where for the first time since 1804, pirates commandeered a ship under a U.S. flag. Their victory was short lived however, as the crew promptly retook their ship, taking one of the pirates into custody. The other three managed to escape to the lifeboat with the captain as a hostage. Unmanned Navy surveillance aircraft continue to track the position of the lifeboat as a destroyer and its compliment of helicopters make their way toward it. What will happen when the cavalry arrives is anybody’s guess, but I’d be willing to bet that it will probably be another 205 years before pirates intentionally attack another American ship.
Finally, Levi Johnston, former fiancee of one Bristol Palin apparently misses the bright lights of the campaign. He found his way back into the spotlight last week with an appearance on the Tyra show. Appearing with his mother and sister, Mr. Johnston lamented his break-up with his ex-fiancee, admitted (the obvious) that he did use protection - most of the time - and insinuated that Governor Palin knew that he and her daughter were not “saving themselves for marriage.” The Palin public relations machine, apparently oblivious to more substantive issues like the storage of millions of gallons of flammable fuel in the shadow of an active volcano, expended valueless airtime refuting Johnston’s claims, labeling him a liar and an attention-seeker. Seriously, am I the only one relieved that this episode of Jerry Springer never made it anywhere near Pennsylvania Avenue?
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