A long long time ago, when MTV still played music videos, (and MTV2 played only music videos) they ran a cartoon called “Clone High.” Simple premise really. The teenaged clones of historical figures all attended the same high school, bumbling ensues, 22 minutes of easy laughs. In one episode, teenaged Ghandi ran against teenaged Abe Lincoln for student body president. Early on, Abe decided he would run on the issues. Ghandi decided he would simply throw out slogans and accusations and rely on the stupidity of the voter to carry his campaign. Needless to say, Ghandi won the race, confounding Abe in the debate by announcing to the voters that his opponent was a baby-eater. When Abe questioned him as to how he could make such an accusation, Ghandi replied to the assembly, “Has he ever said that he doesn’t eat babies?”
It’s sad that so many elements of this presidential campaign remind me of an MTV cartoon.
I don’t have a lot of politics to talk about this week. Frankly I’m a little worn out by the whole thing. And this being the week before election day the madness has reached a fever pitch. But, there are a couple items worth nothing, so we’ll touch on those briefly. Maybe I’ll feel more like vigorous political discussion next Wednesday. We’ll see.
According to more than a few unnamed McCain campaign insiders (and I’m always a little suspicious of “unnamed campaign insiders) it seems as though Sarah Palin might be too much “maverick” for the Maverick himself. Apparently, the governor has gone rogue, crafting her own policy and talking points and pretty much doing whatever she pleases. In fact, there are some inside the campaign - and many outside - who believe she has shifted her focus from aiding McCain to setting herself up for a run at the white house in 2012. I think it might be a little premature to assign self-serving motives to the VP candidate before the election has even taken place. But I wasn’t born yesterday. Palin is an ambitious woman and she isn’t going to let a minor setback like a (potential) McCain-Palin defeat keep her from advancing her career. Nor should she. One must be ambitious in order to accomplish anything politically. I’m just saying that I will be enjoying a Palin presidency - should there ever be one - from a safe distance. Very, very safe.
John McCain, mistaking himself for Detroit Pistons loudmouth forward Rasheed Wallace, guaranteed victory next Tuesday in an interview over the weekend. McCain said, the polls be damned, he’s going to knock out Barack Obama in a come-from-behind victory that will not become evident until early Wednesday morning. Wasn’t he accusing Obama of being presumptuous, measuring the drapes and all that garbage last week.
Of all the strategies and arguments he has employed throughout this campaign, McCain finally seems to have settled on three. It’s still two too many, but that’s just McCain’s maverick nature.
He’s taken up the traditional Republican mantra that Democrats want to “spread the wealth”, by stealing from the rich and giving to the fat lazy working and non-working slobs alike who should be left to rot in their own filth in the gutters of humanity while the wealthy climb over them to collect what’s rightfully theirs. This argument holds water for some people. Mostly people who have benefited from the redistribution of wealth the tax system and regulatory structure (or lack thereof) have provided them with over the past several decades. Nevertheless, it might score him a few votes.
His second argument is that electing him to the White House will provide a check against one party Democratic rule in Congress. Strange, he wasn’t advocating a John Kerry presidency as a check against one party Republican Congressional rule in 2004. I guess one party rule is only a bad thing when your party isn’t ruling. Throughout this campaign McCain has claimed that he has a history of “reaching across the isle” and working with Democrats to pass important legislation. Yet now he finds himself advocating for nothing other than the gridlock voters constantly say they abhor. A man of the people he is, John McCain.
Finally, he is attempting to convince the electorate that Barack Obama is simply “too risky” for America. Aside from the fact that this “too risky” approach failed miserably for Al Gore in 2000, the argument is absolutely absurd. This country was founded on risk. The colonists took a huge risk leaving everything they knew behind in England for an unknown, largely uncharted continent on which to start new lives. The framers took enormous risk in going to war against a more experienced, better armed, better financed British Empire to gain independence. The United States took a risk sending ill-equipped, ill-prepared soldiers to the European and Pacific theaters to liberate the world during World War II. This is a country in which people jump out of airplanes at ten thousand feet, and jump off bridges with rope tied around their ankles. Every weekend millions of people watch race car drivers fly around a track with only inches between the cars, and cheer as 250-pound men slam into each other at 20 miles-an-hour. Every day, 40 million people risk their own safety by going about their business without health insurance. Lotteries and casinos are billion dollar business, Wall Street is a trillion dollar enterprise. America is loaded with risk. We are a nation of risk-takers, and we take pride in that fact. Don’t you tell me that voting for a man held in check by two branches of government, a two-hundred year-old constitution and 100 million voters is a risk we cannot afford. Americans take more risk crossing the street than they would voting for Obama. It’s a pathetic argument, and really doesn’t deserve even the ink I’ve given it. I apologize for my indulgence.
Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was convicted of seven counts of making false statements to conceal hundreds of thousands of dollars in gifts and home improvements today. Oops. At least he didn’t swindle billions of dollars out of the American taxpayer to build a bridge to nowhere. Oh, wait. He did that too. Hmm. How about that.
The ATF charged two Tennessee neo-Nazi skinheads with plotting to murder 102 black high school students before attempting to assassinate Barack Obama. Agents seized a rifle, a sawed-off shotgun and three pistols from the men and claim they were preparing to break into a gun shop to steal some more. Just in case anyone needed a reminder, racism is alive and well in America.
Rumor has it that the Detroit automakers may be the next on the list for a federal bailout. This would come on top of the $29 billion loan already released to them by Congress. Another rumor postulates that the “big three” are on the verge of becoming the “big two”, with General Motors looking to purchase Chrysler from the Cerberus Capital group. I don’t really understand how a company as deep in the red as General Motors can afford to buy a chocolate bar - let alone another car company - but I guess I just need to accept that some things are beyond my comprehension. This isn’t the first time American automakers have received federal money to keep themselves afloat. And this probably won’t be the last. But it probably should be. At some point, if you can’t figure out how to run your business to turn a profit, (ahem, every U.S. airline except Southwest), perhaps you shouldn’t be running a business.
The New York City Council has approved a measure eliminating term limits, allowing two term mayor Michael Bloomberg to run for re-election for a third term. Problem is, the term limits they overturned had been approved by the voters by ballot initiative on two separate occasions. Magic eight-ball says, I see a court battle in Bloomberg’s future.
My NFL thoughts for Week Eight:
Despite a hiccup at Cleveland two weeks ago, the Giants are still the class of the league. They proved that with a come-from-behind victory yesterday against perhaps the second best team in football, the Pittsburgh Steelers. This game was almost everything it was supposed to be.
The Titans have all but ended the Colts reign at the top of the division. Tennessee is 7-0 and they have to be taken seriously.
Helluva game in London yesterday between the Saints and the Chargers. A hundred times better than the embarrassment of the Giants-Dolphins last year. Even without their marquee player New Orleans lit up the scoreboard and even managed to keep San Diego out of the end zone when it mattered. And even though the Chargers are now 3-5, they still can be considered the favorite to win their division. How pathetic is that? At least L.T. is no longer a drag on my fantasy team.
I don’t care about Terrell Owens, don’t care about Randy Moss, don’t talk to me about Larry Fitzgerald or Braylon Edwards. Steve Smith is the best receiver in football period, end of discussion. Don’t believe me, watch the replay of the 65-yard touchdown in which Smith’s heel hovers out-of-bounds without touching the line on his way to the end zone. Unreal.
Seattle finally won another game, spoiling the inauguration of new 49ers head coach Mike Singletary. But Singletary stole the show, benching his starting quarterback before halftime and sending his petulant star tight-end to the locker room with a quarter left to play following a bone-headed personal foul penalty. Players in San Francisco should be on notice. Singletary comes from a tradition of winning. He will expect nothing less from them.
The Raiders allowed 43-yards receiving by Baltimore quarterbacks on Sunday. No, that is not a misprint. I said quarterbacks. Not good. I would advocate dropping them from the league if Cincinnati and Detroit weren’t so much worse.
My Superbowl picks for Week 8: New York Giants vs. Tennessee Titans
CNN anchor Campbell Brown just swore on the Daily Show. I almost missed it, distracted by those razor sharp cheekbones. Those things have got to be fake.
In what easily qualifies as the most bizarre thing I’ve heard this week, scientists have discovered that Scotch tape emits x-rays. Apparently, enough x-rays to produce an image of bone in the fingers. Now before you go throwing out all your Scotch tape, the scientists insist the effect has only observed when the tape was peeled from its roll in a vacuum. But it suddenly makes all those MacGyver gadgets seem a little more realistic, doesn’t it?
Finally, how do you top x-ray emitting Scotch tape? How about this. A Japanese man had his wife arrested last week for “murdering” his online video game avatar after he suddenly “divorced” her avatar in the game. Apparently upset at the divorce, the wife gained access to her husband’s passwords and, while he was off doing something else, hacked into his computer and killed off his avatar. The husband told police he was emotionally distraught and wanted to press charges. Once they finished their guffaw session the police finally decided to charge the wife with computer hacking, since the avatar was obviously not a real person and could not be murdered. No word yet on whether or not the wife has charged her husband with being a jackass and divorced his sorry butt for real.
10.28.2008
10.22.2008
Real America
Greetings from "fake" America! I know, traditionally Indiana has been considered part of "real" America. But the city I live in is home to at least one institute of higher learning, so that would seem to place us firmly in the "fake" America category.
CNN is reporting that Senator Obama will leave the campaign trail this coming Thursday and Friday to visit his ailing 86-year-old grandmother in Hawaii. Apparently she has been ill for quite some time now and has taken a turn for the worse. Obama was scheduled to appear in Wisconsin and Iowa those two days, but will instead make the flight to Honolulu to be with the woman he credits with rearing him to be the man he is today. I wish Senator Obama and his grandmother the best and hope he finds her well.
Be careful what you wish for, Samuel Wurzelbacher. You just might get it. The now infamous "Joe the Plumber" mentioned by McCain some 20 times during the final debate actively courted his fifteen minutes of fame, doing more interviews in 24 hours than Sarah Palin has given in six weeks of campaigning. But Wurzelbacher apparently didn't realize that when you turn your life over to the camera, you turn your whole life over to the media. And the media discovered a few things about him that didn't quite mesh with his self-crafted entrepreneur persona. First, Joe is not a licensed plumber. I know one does not have to be a licensed plumber to perform plumbing work. But I guess "Joe the Journeyman" just doesn't have the same ring to it. Second, according to both his most recently available federal income tax returns and his own admission, Joe made only $40,000 last year, which qualifies him for a larger tax cut under Barack Obama's tax plan than under John McCain's tax plan. And finally, Joe owes the State of Ohio $1,200 in back taxes. The man who told Obama that high taxes were discouraging him from purchasing his own plumbing business, had to rely on the charity of two conservative radio hosts in Portland to raise the $1,700 he needs to pay off the lien against him and cover the cost of obtaining his plumber's license. Say it ain't so Joe. Say it ain't so.
The biggest news of the weekend - and there was some pretty big news this weekend - was the endorsement of Senator Obama by former Secretary of State and retired four-star general Colin Powell. Citing, among other things, the scorn of intellectual rigor, embrace of ignorance, degenerating tone of the campaign, McCain's erratic response to the financial crisis and the selection of Governor Palin as a Vice Presidential nominee as reasons for his decision. With those words, Powell joined the growing list of prominent Republican / conservative intellectuals who have expressed their displeasure with the direction of the Republican Party and campaign, and endorsed Obama. The haters stepped forward immediately, lead by the man behind the "golden EIB microphone" Rush Limbaugh, who flat out called Powell a racist for endorsing the black "liberal" instead of the white conservative. Maybe the Oxycontin is impairing Limbaugh's judgment, but if Powell's endorsement was simply about one black man voting for another black man, Powell could have endorsed Obama 20 months ago. He was black then, and he's black now. Is it possible that Powell might have endorsed Barack Obama simply because he believes that he would make a better president than McCain? Possible?
Obama set a new fundraising record for September, collecting a whopping $150 million in 30 days, with over 600,000 new donors and an average donation of 86 dollars. Wow. While there is no reason to assume that just any candidate could accomplish what Obama has in terms of fund-raising, but is it too early to declare the death of public financing?
Obama drew 175,000 people to his rallies in Missouri this past weekend, 100,000 in St. Louis and 75,000 in Kansas City. I'm still fairly young, but I don't remember any other American political figure drawing the kind of individual attention Obama has garnered during this campaign. A substantial number of people in this country are searching for something different. And whatever it is, they seem to be finding it in Barack Obama.
For as long as I can remember, the Republican Party has accused the Democratic Party of class warfare, divide-and-conquer politics. I guess mother never told them that every time you point a finger, there are three fingers pointing back at you. During an interview with NBC News earlier this week, McCain campaign spokeswoman Nancy Pfotenhauer remarked that although northern Virginia has drifted Democratic in recent years, the rest of Virginia, or "real Virginia" if you will, is still very receptive to McCain's message. When given the opportunity to back away from dividing the state into legitimate and illegitimate citizens, Pfotenhauer pressed on, adding portions of Minnesota, Wisconsin, Ohio and Pennsylvania to her definition of "real" America. Earlier that day while campaigning in North Carolina, Governor Palin told her adoring fans that, she was proud to be visiting "the pro-American parts of the country," talking to "...real Americans..., running our factories and teaching our children..." with "...small town American values." I think I'm going to be sick.
A few months from now, I will become an American citizen. But I find it a little disconcerting that my citizenship has been de-legitimized even before it's been bestowed upon me. Because I was born and raised in a city of half-a-million people, I can never be a "real" American. Because I've had a passport since I was two years old, I can never be a "real" American. Because I graduated from (one) college, with a professional degree instead of working in a factory or as an unlicensed plumber (because somehow what I do every day doesn't qualify as work) I can never be considered a "real" American. Because I drive an Acura and never learned how to field-dress a moose, I can never be considered a "real" American. Because I can remember what newspapers and magazines I read, and am fully capable of forming a coherent sentence featuring nouns, verbs, adjectives, articles, conjunctions and pronouns, I can never be a real American. Forgive my sarcasm, but I'm freakin' tired of being told by middle-aged men with multiple homes making $40 million dollars a year to sit in a leather recliner and blather into a microphone three hours a day that I am some kind of elitist while they are, and speak for, "everyday Americans." I'm tired of being told that people from small towns who smoke meth, drop out school, vandalize property, beat their wives and children in drunken rages and get pregnant at the age of fifteen are somehow more virtuous than big city “folks” guilty of the same offenses. I’m tired of being told that because I don’t think American soldiers should still be dying on Iraqi soil I don’t “support the troops” and because I believe that patriotism is something more than a brass pin made in China that I’m somehow “un-American.”
During the final debate last week, Senator McCain commented that if only Senator Obama had agreed to the series of town hall meeting he had suggested this summer, the current tone of the campaign would be very different. Translation, everything would be perfect if Obama had simply done everything McCain wanted him to. I’m old enough to understand that politics is a dirty business. And that in order to get elected, both McCain and Obama must attempt to make themselves look better than their opponent. But the hard reality is that come November 5th, we all have to figure out how to make this system work for the next four years with whoever was elected the night before. It’s one thing to function in an environment of philosophical differences. It’s quite something else to carve up the country into small town and big city America, populated by real and fake Americans who supported either a “war hero” or a “terrorist sympathizer” and expect the system to work. It’s foolish, it’s dangerous and it’s got to stop.
In an interview earlier this week, Governor Palin told Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family that "God will do the right thing on November 4th." I hope she still feels that way if Senator Obama wins the presidency.
Still trying to distill a coherent message out of the cacophony of his campaign, McCain has now resorted to throwing tired cold war labels at his opponent, hoping that something – anything – will stick. This week he seems to have dropped the “palling around with terrorists” mantra and reverted to the more traditional “tax and spend liberal” label, accenting it here and there with charges of “socialism.” I guess the term “borrow and spend conservative” doesn’t have the same historical connotations as tax and spend liberal, but I fail to understand how anyone proposing to spend as much money as McCain can try to negatively paint his opponent as a big spender. I also find it laughable that he would try to pin the socialist label on someone with the endorsement of perhaps the greatest living free market American capitalist and richest man in the world, Warren Buffet. But judging by the poll numbers, I’m not the only one befuddled by the flailing.
My NFL thoughts for Week 7:
I’ve lived long enough to witness the perfect 16-0 season. I hope I live long enough to witness the perfect 0-16 season. I thought I might score both in the same year last season, but Miami killed that dream for me. But this season, I have two chances. And I’m counting on at least the Lions to come through for me.
The Dallas Cowboys are in serious doo doo. All of a sudden, their all-star offensive line can’t block, their all-star running back can’t run, their all-star quarterback can’t throw, their all-star tight end can’t catch, and then there’s Terrell Owens and Terrence Newman and Pacman Jones and Roy Williams and, well, you get the picture. Jerry Jones insists everything is just fine. But when you have that much money, you can pay other people to tell the truth for you.
I love Seattle. Really, I do. What’s not to love about a city with bikini-clad baristas and a lingerie football league? But the Seahawks are embarrassing to watch. It’s like watching the short stubby kid with the greasy hair and freckles ask the head cheerleader to the prom, over and over again, with the same depressing result. Somebody take pity on them, please.
The Carolina Panthers and the San Diego Chargers are the two most perplexing teams in football. After seven weeks there’s still no consensus on whether or not they are any good. And L.T. is still ruining my fantasy football season.
Nothing perplexing about Tennessee. The Titans are the real deal. I know they played the Chiefs, but 330 rushing yards by two players in one game is unheard of. Only the Steelers stand between them and the AFC title.
Something is terribly wrong in Indianapolis. The most efficient offence in the league now looks barely average, and an average defense now looks like the Denver Broncos. Peyton Manning’s not happy and it’s showing.
Following their loss to the Giants on Sunday, the 49ers fired head coach Mike Nolan and replaced him with linebackers coach and legendary Chicago Bear Mike Singletary. Nothing against Singletary, but I don't think any coach not named Bill Walsh could fix the problems in San Fransisco.
My Superbowl picks as of Week 7: New York Giants vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
Nebraska's Safe Haven law allowing parents to turn over children they cannot care for to the State without fear of prosecution is causing a bit of a problem. The law was intended to prevent newborns from being left for dead in trash cans by frightened (mostly teen) mothers who couldn't or didn't want to care for them. However, in writing the statute, some genius replaced the word infant with the word child, thereby broadening the law to include all children up to the age of 18. Since the law was titled "Safe Haven" and billed as protecting children, no one actually bothered to read it carefully before voting on it. Naturally, bumbling ensued. Bad parents all over Nebraska have been leaving their babies, toddlers, tweens and even teenagers with child services for the State to care for. Bad parents from surrounding states have even gotten in on the action. Finally realizing the error of their ways the legislature promises to rewrite the law to suit the original intent. But this should serve as a lesson to every politican in America. READ THE BILLS BEFORE YOU SIGN THEM! When you don't, we end up with things like the Iraq war authorization and the Patriot Act.
Tiger Woods turned up on a golf course this week for the first time since the knee surgery that ended his season - as a caddy. He pulled up to the fifth hole at Torrey Pines in a Buick SUV golf cart to help some dude with his putting. Heckuva day for that guy, huh? How many people get to tell their friends that Tiger Woods caddied for them on the fifth hole at Torrey Pines?
The Fox television network’s worst nightmare has come true. And I’m not talking about the cancellation of American Idol. The Tampa Bay Rays and the Philadelphia Phillies will meet in the World Series this year. If you don’t know anything about either of those two teams, you’re not alone. Fox has invested millions in what might as well be a hockey game between the Columbus Blue Jackets and the Atlanta Thrashers.
I love Rashida Jones. Love her.
Finally, Andy Roddick auctioned off a one hour-long nude tennis lesson for charity for an exorbitant $15,000 to a delighted female fan/donor. It’s not clear whether only Roddick will serve and volley in the nude or if his pupil will join him in her birthday suit. But there is just something unsettling about nude male tennis. Way too much going on there. Too much.
CNN is reporting that Senator Obama will leave the campaign trail this coming Thursday and Friday to visit his ailing 86-year-old grandmother in Hawaii. Apparently she has been ill for quite some time now and has taken a turn for the worse. Obama was scheduled to appear in Wisconsin and Iowa those two days, but will instead make the flight to Honolulu to be with the woman he credits with rearing him to be the man he is today. I wish Senator Obama and his grandmother the best and hope he finds her well.
Be careful what you wish for, Samuel Wurzelbacher. You just might get it. The now infamous "Joe the Plumber" mentioned by McCain some 20 times during the final debate actively courted his fifteen minutes of fame, doing more interviews in 24 hours than Sarah Palin has given in six weeks of campaigning. But Wurzelbacher apparently didn't realize that when you turn your life over to the camera, you turn your whole life over to the media. And the media discovered a few things about him that didn't quite mesh with his self-crafted entrepreneur persona. First, Joe is not a licensed plumber. I know one does not have to be a licensed plumber to perform plumbing work. But I guess "Joe the Journeyman" just doesn't have the same ring to it. Second, according to both his most recently available federal income tax returns and his own admission, Joe made only $40,000 last year, which qualifies him for a larger tax cut under Barack Obama's tax plan than under John McCain's tax plan. And finally, Joe owes the State of Ohio $1,200 in back taxes. The man who told Obama that high taxes were discouraging him from purchasing his own plumbing business, had to rely on the charity of two conservative radio hosts in Portland to raise the $1,700 he needs to pay off the lien against him and cover the cost of obtaining his plumber's license. Say it ain't so Joe. Say it ain't so.
The biggest news of the weekend - and there was some pretty big news this weekend - was the endorsement of Senator Obama by former Secretary of State and retired four-star general Colin Powell. Citing, among other things, the scorn of intellectual rigor, embrace of ignorance, degenerating tone of the campaign, McCain's erratic response to the financial crisis and the selection of Governor Palin as a Vice Presidential nominee as reasons for his decision. With those words, Powell joined the growing list of prominent Republican / conservative intellectuals who have expressed their displeasure with the direction of the Republican Party and campaign, and endorsed Obama. The haters stepped forward immediately, lead by the man behind the "golden EIB microphone" Rush Limbaugh, who flat out called Powell a racist for endorsing the black "liberal" instead of the white conservative. Maybe the Oxycontin is impairing Limbaugh's judgment, but if Powell's endorsement was simply about one black man voting for another black man, Powell could have endorsed Obama 20 months ago. He was black then, and he's black now. Is it possible that Powell might have endorsed Barack Obama simply because he believes that he would make a better president than McCain? Possible?
Obama set a new fundraising record for September, collecting a whopping $150 million in 30 days, with over 600,000 new donors and an average donation of 86 dollars. Wow. While there is no reason to assume that just any candidate could accomplish what Obama has in terms of fund-raising, but is it too early to declare the death of public financing?
Obama drew 175,000 people to his rallies in Missouri this past weekend, 100,000 in St. Louis and 75,000 in Kansas City. I'm still fairly young, but I don't remember any other American political figure drawing the kind of individual attention Obama has garnered during this campaign. A substantial number of people in this country are searching for something different. And whatever it is, they seem to be finding it in Barack Obama.
For as long as I can remember, the Republican Party has accused the Democratic Party of class warfare, divide-and-conquer politics. I guess mother never told them that every time you point a finger, there are three fingers pointing back at you. During an interview with NBC News earlier this week, McCain campaign spokeswoman Nancy Pfotenhauer remarked that although northern Virginia has drifted Democratic in recent years, the rest of Virginia, or "real Virginia" if you will, is still very receptive to McCain's message. When given the opportunity to back away from dividing the state into legitimate and illegitimate citizens, Pfotenhauer pressed on, adding portions of Minnesota, Wisconsin, Ohio and Pennsylvania to her definition of "real" America. Earlier that day while campaigning in North Carolina, Governor Palin told her adoring fans that, she was proud to be visiting "the pro-American parts of the country," talking to "...real Americans..., running our factories and teaching our children..." with "...small town American values." I think I'm going to be sick.
A few months from now, I will become an American citizen. But I find it a little disconcerting that my citizenship has been de-legitimized even before it's been bestowed upon me. Because I was born and raised in a city of half-a-million people, I can never be a "real" American. Because I've had a passport since I was two years old, I can never be a "real" American. Because I graduated from (one) college, with a professional degree instead of working in a factory or as an unlicensed plumber (because somehow what I do every day doesn't qualify as work) I can never be considered a "real" American. Because I drive an Acura and never learned how to field-dress a moose, I can never be considered a "real" American. Because I can remember what newspapers and magazines I read, and am fully capable of forming a coherent sentence featuring nouns, verbs, adjectives, articles, conjunctions and pronouns, I can never be a real American. Forgive my sarcasm, but I'm freakin' tired of being told by middle-aged men with multiple homes making $40 million dollars a year to sit in a leather recliner and blather into a microphone three hours a day that I am some kind of elitist while they are, and speak for, "everyday Americans." I'm tired of being told that people from small towns who smoke meth, drop out school, vandalize property, beat their wives and children in drunken rages and get pregnant at the age of fifteen are somehow more virtuous than big city “folks” guilty of the same offenses. I’m tired of being told that because I don’t think American soldiers should still be dying on Iraqi soil I don’t “support the troops” and because I believe that patriotism is something more than a brass pin made in China that I’m somehow “un-American.”
During the final debate last week, Senator McCain commented that if only Senator Obama had agreed to the series of town hall meeting he had suggested this summer, the current tone of the campaign would be very different. Translation, everything would be perfect if Obama had simply done everything McCain wanted him to. I’m old enough to understand that politics is a dirty business. And that in order to get elected, both McCain and Obama must attempt to make themselves look better than their opponent. But the hard reality is that come November 5th, we all have to figure out how to make this system work for the next four years with whoever was elected the night before. It’s one thing to function in an environment of philosophical differences. It’s quite something else to carve up the country into small town and big city America, populated by real and fake Americans who supported either a “war hero” or a “terrorist sympathizer” and expect the system to work. It’s foolish, it’s dangerous and it’s got to stop.
In an interview earlier this week, Governor Palin told Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family that "God will do the right thing on November 4th." I hope she still feels that way if Senator Obama wins the presidency.
Still trying to distill a coherent message out of the cacophony of his campaign, McCain has now resorted to throwing tired cold war labels at his opponent, hoping that something – anything – will stick. This week he seems to have dropped the “palling around with terrorists” mantra and reverted to the more traditional “tax and spend liberal” label, accenting it here and there with charges of “socialism.” I guess the term “borrow and spend conservative” doesn’t have the same historical connotations as tax and spend liberal, but I fail to understand how anyone proposing to spend as much money as McCain can try to negatively paint his opponent as a big spender. I also find it laughable that he would try to pin the socialist label on someone with the endorsement of perhaps the greatest living free market American capitalist and richest man in the world, Warren Buffet. But judging by the poll numbers, I’m not the only one befuddled by the flailing.
My NFL thoughts for Week 7:
I’ve lived long enough to witness the perfect 16-0 season. I hope I live long enough to witness the perfect 0-16 season. I thought I might score both in the same year last season, but Miami killed that dream for me. But this season, I have two chances. And I’m counting on at least the Lions to come through for me.
The Dallas Cowboys are in serious doo doo. All of a sudden, their all-star offensive line can’t block, their all-star running back can’t run, their all-star quarterback can’t throw, their all-star tight end can’t catch, and then there’s Terrell Owens and Terrence Newman and Pacman Jones and Roy Williams and, well, you get the picture. Jerry Jones insists everything is just fine. But when you have that much money, you can pay other people to tell the truth for you.
I love Seattle. Really, I do. What’s not to love about a city with bikini-clad baristas and a lingerie football league? But the Seahawks are embarrassing to watch. It’s like watching the short stubby kid with the greasy hair and freckles ask the head cheerleader to the prom, over and over again, with the same depressing result. Somebody take pity on them, please.
The Carolina Panthers and the San Diego Chargers are the two most perplexing teams in football. After seven weeks there’s still no consensus on whether or not they are any good. And L.T. is still ruining my fantasy football season.
Nothing perplexing about Tennessee. The Titans are the real deal. I know they played the Chiefs, but 330 rushing yards by two players in one game is unheard of. Only the Steelers stand between them and the AFC title.
Something is terribly wrong in Indianapolis. The most efficient offence in the league now looks barely average, and an average defense now looks like the Denver Broncos. Peyton Manning’s not happy and it’s showing.
Following their loss to the Giants on Sunday, the 49ers fired head coach Mike Nolan and replaced him with linebackers coach and legendary Chicago Bear Mike Singletary. Nothing against Singletary, but I don't think any coach not named Bill Walsh could fix the problems in San Fransisco.
My Superbowl picks as of Week 7: New York Giants vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
Nebraska's Safe Haven law allowing parents to turn over children they cannot care for to the State without fear of prosecution is causing a bit of a problem. The law was intended to prevent newborns from being left for dead in trash cans by frightened (mostly teen) mothers who couldn't or didn't want to care for them. However, in writing the statute, some genius replaced the word infant with the word child, thereby broadening the law to include all children up to the age of 18. Since the law was titled "Safe Haven" and billed as protecting children, no one actually bothered to read it carefully before voting on it. Naturally, bumbling ensued. Bad parents all over Nebraska have been leaving their babies, toddlers, tweens and even teenagers with child services for the State to care for. Bad parents from surrounding states have even gotten in on the action. Finally realizing the error of their ways the legislature promises to rewrite the law to suit the original intent. But this should serve as a lesson to every politican in America. READ THE BILLS BEFORE YOU SIGN THEM! When you don't, we end up with things like the Iraq war authorization and the Patriot Act.
Tiger Woods turned up on a golf course this week for the first time since the knee surgery that ended his season - as a caddy. He pulled up to the fifth hole at Torrey Pines in a Buick SUV golf cart to help some dude with his putting. Heckuva day for that guy, huh? How many people get to tell their friends that Tiger Woods caddied for them on the fifth hole at Torrey Pines?
The Fox television network’s worst nightmare has come true. And I’m not talking about the cancellation of American Idol. The Tampa Bay Rays and the Philadelphia Phillies will meet in the World Series this year. If you don’t know anything about either of those two teams, you’re not alone. Fox has invested millions in what might as well be a hockey game between the Columbus Blue Jackets and the Atlanta Thrashers.
I love Rashida Jones. Love her.
Finally, Andy Roddick auctioned off a one hour-long nude tennis lesson for charity for an exorbitant $15,000 to a delighted female fan/donor. It’s not clear whether only Roddick will serve and volley in the nude or if his pupil will join him in her birthday suit. But there is just something unsettling about nude male tennis. Way too much going on there. Too much.
10.15.2008
Pick Me, Pick Me!
Today is election day in Canada. No victory announcements yet. For some reason they refuse to release the results until all the polls have closed. Lame.
Remember the Ministry of Truth from George Orwell’s dystopian masterpiece Nineteen Eighty-Four? Am I the only one who finds its resemblance to John McCain’s campaign a little disturbing?
The McCain campaign wants us to believe that whatever it says today must be the truth - and always has been, regardless of whether or not it is. On Friday morning, Sarah Palin told reporters she was excited to be cleared of all legal and ethical violations related to the on-going “Trooper-gate” investigation in Alaska. Except that she wasn’t. She was, if fact, found to be in violation of the state’s ethics laws by the bipartisan commission investigating her. Oops. On Monday, McCain debuted a new stump speech in which he blathers about Obama picking out drapes for the White House. If Obama is so confident of victory, why is he making three campaign stops a day, seven days a week in places no Democrat has even considered competing in over the past 50 years, while McCain continues to take weekends off? Hmm.
I’m not sure if we’re witnessing a campaign in crisis, or a campaign mirroring the mind of its leader. And at this point, I’m not sure it matters. I will never underestimate the capacity of the American voter to shoot themselves in the foot right before crossing the finish line, (see Florida, circa 2000), but some interesting developments have taken place over the last seven days to temper my innate sense of pessimism... uh, I mean realism.
After 10 days of relentless assaults on Senator Obama’s character and prior tenuous (at best) associations by his campaign surrogates, vice presidential nominee and finally the candidate himself, McCain finds himself trailing Obama by an average of 8.1 points nationally, (10 points according to Gallup and ABC News), and down 14 points in favorability rating. In an attempt to demonstrate leadership in difficult economic times, McCain went in gun blazing, suspended his campaign (sort of) to rush back to Washington and inject himself into the bailout talks, took credit for a deal that subsequently fell through, blamed Senator Obama for its failure only to later take credit for killing the bill, and threatened to skip the first debate if no deal was reached, yet showed up for said debate without a deal in place. He has presented new economic initiatives, fundamentally altered them less than 12 hours later, then promised a complete slate of revised economic policies, only to decide on the day they were to be released, not to release them, then announce them at a rally the following day. At a town hall style debate - considered to be his strong suit - McCain wandered about the stage like he was looking for a lost puppy, providing condescending answers to voter questions and bolting the venue as soon as the debate was over. For a man who has designed his persona and built his campaign around experience and steady leadership, he has appeared erratic and unsure of himself for at least three weeks now, all the while claiming his opponent is the inexperienced, risky choice. There is still plenty of time for this bizarre line of attack to resonate with voters, but it is possible - maybe likely that McCain will have to attempt yet another switch in strategy in order to work his way back into this race.
The absolute hysteria displayed by the right at the prospect of an Obama presidency would be amusing if it weren’t so dangerously serious. Every four years, the conservative talk show cabal and their disciples get up on their soapboxes and regale anyone who will listen with frightening stories of how the country will devolve into (insert the name of your favorite third world socialist dictatorship here) if a Democrat is elected to the White House. Since the end of World War II, five Democrats have occupied the office of the President, and each time (with the exception of one) American has emerged a stronger, more prosperous nation, with its Constitution intact, adherent to the principles of representative democracy. But, in spite of the evidence and the lessons of history, the perpetual paranoia of the right has them seeing the second coming of Chairman Mao in the body of Huey Newton. Given such inflammatory rhetoric, is anyone truly surprised by the level of fear and loathing toward Obama demonstrated by supporters at McCain-Palin rallies? When you dehumanize, demonize your opponent, your supporters begin to feel justified in comparing him to Osama bin Laden and advocating violence against him. It seems obvious that Governor Palin has no qualms about courting the votes of such unhinged voters, but John McCain is supposedly a man of character. His political career will continue regardless of whether or not he wins the election three weeks from now. He needs to ask himself if these are the haters and this is the type of campaign he wants history to associate with him. To his credit he took a positive step toward answering that question late last week when he corrected one supporter who claimed Obama was an Arab, and earlier, defended the Illinois senator’s character to a chorus of boos at a town hall meeting. While under unfair and malicious character assassination by Karl Rove and George Bush in the 2000 presidential primary, McCain made the statement that character attacks were the refuge of candidates who have run out of ideas. He needs to follow his own wisdom and prove to us that he still has a few ideas left.
Who is Sarah Palin?
Remember that National Security Agency surveillance program President Bush insisted was only being used to eavesdrop on calls between terrorists and their sympathizers? Turns out it was also being used by NSA employees to listen in on phone calls between soldiers and their families. When someone came across a particularly salacious phone call, it was recorded and passed around the office for everyone’s entertainment. Surprise! Who would have thought that given the opportunity to abuse the rights of American citizens the NSA would do just that. Never saw that one coming.
Merely days after receiving an $85 billion loan from the taxpayers in order to keep their sorry excuse for an insurance company afloat, executives at AIG spent $440K on a party for themselves at a resort/spa which - among other things - provides rooms for dogs at $500 a night. Aren’t you glad your tax dollars are being put to good use? I hope that when this is over, these clowns are put in a cellblock with half-a-dozen 6’-8” tall, 350 pound Bulgarians named Lyubomir who lost their entire life savings in an insurance scam. Payback is a you-know-what, isn’t it.
My NFL thoughts for Week 6:
The Detroit Lions still have not won a football game. They could have at least tied a game on Sunday had their quarterback not given up a ridiculous safety to the Minnesota Vikings. Note to Dan Orlovsky; that 12 inch thick bright white line at the back of the end zone, that’s out of bounds.
It is possible that Matt Ryan might just be a pretty good quarterback.
Same *bleep*, different day for the Raiders. Is it possible that the coach wasn’t/isn’t the problem in Oakland? Can we get the commissioner to fire Al Davis?
The Dallas Cowboys are teetering on the brink of disaster. After a crushing overtime loss to the Arizona Cardinals on a blocked punt in overtime, the Cowboys informed the media that superstar quarterback and Mr. Jessica Simpson, Tony Romo, broke the pinky finger on his throwing hand and will be out for at least the next four weeks. Today (Tuesday) Goodell announced he is suspending perennial disaster Adam Jones for four games as a result of an altercation involving Jones and his own private security guards. Add that to the loss of their other starting cornerback, their punter, a volatile Terrell Owens and an offensive line that suddenly seems incapable of blocking Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton and you have the makings of the 2005 Philadelphia Eagles. Loaded with talent, loaded with drama, devoid of the hardware.
Congratulations to the Rams on notching their first victory against the bewildering Washington Redskins Sunday afternoon. Washington looked almost as bad as the Giants looked against Cleveland on Monday night. How on earth does New York go from lighting up the 1-3 Seahawks for 44 points to giving up 35 to the 1-3 Browns? All of a sudden a division many thought would send three teams to the playoffs will be lucky to have a division winner decided before the final game of the season. Oh, and we can stop this Eli Manning is better than Peyton Manning garbage now, right?
Aaron Rodgers ain’t bad. Brett Favre’s still better.
If the Saints only had a defense...
My Superbowl picks for Week 6: Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Indianapolis Colts
I just saw a television commercial for the Hulk on DVD. The tag line was, “...it’s every bit as good as Ironman...” Really? If that was the case, wouldn’t the commercials for Ironman be claiming it was every bit as good as the Hulk?
According to people who have nothing better to do than compile these statistics, the United States has the fortieth most stable banking system in the world. Right behind Namibia. Fortunately, Canada has the world’s most stable banking system. So if things get really bad here we can simply declare Canada a state sponsor of terrorism, pencil them in on the Axis of Evil list, invade the country and claim the banking system for ourselves. That’s got to cost less than $700 billion, right?
Finally, Vibe Magazine named Detroit rap artist Eminem the “best rapper alive” yesterday. Now I’m no authority on rap music, but I’m pretty sure there are several rappers I’m aware of who would eat him for lunch with some barbeque and a fifth of gin. I suppose it depends on how one defines the term “best rapper.” Perhaps simply being able to see a rapper from your window is enough to qualify one for the award.
Remember the Ministry of Truth from George Orwell’s dystopian masterpiece Nineteen Eighty-Four? Am I the only one who finds its resemblance to John McCain’s campaign a little disturbing?
The McCain campaign wants us to believe that whatever it says today must be the truth - and always has been, regardless of whether or not it is. On Friday morning, Sarah Palin told reporters she was excited to be cleared of all legal and ethical violations related to the on-going “Trooper-gate” investigation in Alaska. Except that she wasn’t. She was, if fact, found to be in violation of the state’s ethics laws by the bipartisan commission investigating her. Oops. On Monday, McCain debuted a new stump speech in which he blathers about Obama picking out drapes for the White House. If Obama is so confident of victory, why is he making three campaign stops a day, seven days a week in places no Democrat has even considered competing in over the past 50 years, while McCain continues to take weekends off? Hmm.
I’m not sure if we’re witnessing a campaign in crisis, or a campaign mirroring the mind of its leader. And at this point, I’m not sure it matters. I will never underestimate the capacity of the American voter to shoot themselves in the foot right before crossing the finish line, (see Florida, circa 2000), but some interesting developments have taken place over the last seven days to temper my innate sense of pessimism... uh, I mean realism.
After 10 days of relentless assaults on Senator Obama’s character and prior tenuous (at best) associations by his campaign surrogates, vice presidential nominee and finally the candidate himself, McCain finds himself trailing Obama by an average of 8.1 points nationally, (10 points according to Gallup and ABC News), and down 14 points in favorability rating. In an attempt to demonstrate leadership in difficult economic times, McCain went in gun blazing, suspended his campaign (sort of) to rush back to Washington and inject himself into the bailout talks, took credit for a deal that subsequently fell through, blamed Senator Obama for its failure only to later take credit for killing the bill, and threatened to skip the first debate if no deal was reached, yet showed up for said debate without a deal in place. He has presented new economic initiatives, fundamentally altered them less than 12 hours later, then promised a complete slate of revised economic policies, only to decide on the day they were to be released, not to release them, then announce them at a rally the following day. At a town hall style debate - considered to be his strong suit - McCain wandered about the stage like he was looking for a lost puppy, providing condescending answers to voter questions and bolting the venue as soon as the debate was over. For a man who has designed his persona and built his campaign around experience and steady leadership, he has appeared erratic and unsure of himself for at least three weeks now, all the while claiming his opponent is the inexperienced, risky choice. There is still plenty of time for this bizarre line of attack to resonate with voters, but it is possible - maybe likely that McCain will have to attempt yet another switch in strategy in order to work his way back into this race.
The absolute hysteria displayed by the right at the prospect of an Obama presidency would be amusing if it weren’t so dangerously serious. Every four years, the conservative talk show cabal and their disciples get up on their soapboxes and regale anyone who will listen with frightening stories of how the country will devolve into (insert the name of your favorite third world socialist dictatorship here) if a Democrat is elected to the White House. Since the end of World War II, five Democrats have occupied the office of the President, and each time (with the exception of one) American has emerged a stronger, more prosperous nation, with its Constitution intact, adherent to the principles of representative democracy. But, in spite of the evidence and the lessons of history, the perpetual paranoia of the right has them seeing the second coming of Chairman Mao in the body of Huey Newton. Given such inflammatory rhetoric, is anyone truly surprised by the level of fear and loathing toward Obama demonstrated by supporters at McCain-Palin rallies? When you dehumanize, demonize your opponent, your supporters begin to feel justified in comparing him to Osama bin Laden and advocating violence against him. It seems obvious that Governor Palin has no qualms about courting the votes of such unhinged voters, but John McCain is supposedly a man of character. His political career will continue regardless of whether or not he wins the election three weeks from now. He needs to ask himself if these are the haters and this is the type of campaign he wants history to associate with him. To his credit he took a positive step toward answering that question late last week when he corrected one supporter who claimed Obama was an Arab, and earlier, defended the Illinois senator’s character to a chorus of boos at a town hall meeting. While under unfair and malicious character assassination by Karl Rove and George Bush in the 2000 presidential primary, McCain made the statement that character attacks were the refuge of candidates who have run out of ideas. He needs to follow his own wisdom and prove to us that he still has a few ideas left.
Who is Sarah Palin?
Remember that National Security Agency surveillance program President Bush insisted was only being used to eavesdrop on calls between terrorists and their sympathizers? Turns out it was also being used by NSA employees to listen in on phone calls between soldiers and their families. When someone came across a particularly salacious phone call, it was recorded and passed around the office for everyone’s entertainment. Surprise! Who would have thought that given the opportunity to abuse the rights of American citizens the NSA would do just that. Never saw that one coming.
Merely days after receiving an $85 billion loan from the taxpayers in order to keep their sorry excuse for an insurance company afloat, executives at AIG spent $440K on a party for themselves at a resort/spa which - among other things - provides rooms for dogs at $500 a night. Aren’t you glad your tax dollars are being put to good use? I hope that when this is over, these clowns are put in a cellblock with half-a-dozen 6’-8” tall, 350 pound Bulgarians named Lyubomir who lost their entire life savings in an insurance scam. Payback is a you-know-what, isn’t it.
My NFL thoughts for Week 6:
The Detroit Lions still have not won a football game. They could have at least tied a game on Sunday had their quarterback not given up a ridiculous safety to the Minnesota Vikings. Note to Dan Orlovsky; that 12 inch thick bright white line at the back of the end zone, that’s out of bounds.
It is possible that Matt Ryan might just be a pretty good quarterback.
Same *bleep*, different day for the Raiders. Is it possible that the coach wasn’t/isn’t the problem in Oakland? Can we get the commissioner to fire Al Davis?
The Dallas Cowboys are teetering on the brink of disaster. After a crushing overtime loss to the Arizona Cardinals on a blocked punt in overtime, the Cowboys informed the media that superstar quarterback and Mr. Jessica Simpson, Tony Romo, broke the pinky finger on his throwing hand and will be out for at least the next four weeks. Today (Tuesday) Goodell announced he is suspending perennial disaster Adam Jones for four games as a result of an altercation involving Jones and his own private security guards. Add that to the loss of their other starting cornerback, their punter, a volatile Terrell Owens and an offensive line that suddenly seems incapable of blocking Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton and you have the makings of the 2005 Philadelphia Eagles. Loaded with talent, loaded with drama, devoid of the hardware.
Congratulations to the Rams on notching their first victory against the bewildering Washington Redskins Sunday afternoon. Washington looked almost as bad as the Giants looked against Cleveland on Monday night. How on earth does New York go from lighting up the 1-3 Seahawks for 44 points to giving up 35 to the 1-3 Browns? All of a sudden a division many thought would send three teams to the playoffs will be lucky to have a division winner decided before the final game of the season. Oh, and we can stop this Eli Manning is better than Peyton Manning garbage now, right?
Aaron Rodgers ain’t bad. Brett Favre’s still better.
If the Saints only had a defense...
My Superbowl picks for Week 6: Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Indianapolis Colts
I just saw a television commercial for the Hulk on DVD. The tag line was, “...it’s every bit as good as Ironman...” Really? If that was the case, wouldn’t the commercials for Ironman be claiming it was every bit as good as the Hulk?
According to people who have nothing better to do than compile these statistics, the United States has the fortieth most stable banking system in the world. Right behind Namibia. Fortunately, Canada has the world’s most stable banking system. So if things get really bad here we can simply declare Canada a state sponsor of terrorism, pencil them in on the Axis of Evil list, invade the country and claim the banking system for ourselves. That’s got to cost less than $700 billion, right?
Finally, Vibe Magazine named Detroit rap artist Eminem the “best rapper alive” yesterday. Now I’m no authority on rap music, but I’m pretty sure there are several rappers I’m aware of who would eat him for lunch with some barbeque and a fifth of gin. I suppose it depends on how one defines the term “best rapper.” Perhaps simply being able to see a rapper from your window is enough to qualify one for the award.
10.07.2008
Bullets with Butterfly Wings
Despite all his rage, he is still just a rat in a cage.
Apparently there’s a presidential debate on television right now. I guess I should flip over and watch it, but I need to let my food digest a little first. Maybe I’ll just record it and watch it later.
Over the weekend, John McCain decided to take his presidential campaign in a different direction. He decided to shift his attention away from things he knows nothing about, like the economy and the everyday hardships of people with only one house, and toward issues he knows a lot about, like character assassination. Self-described pit-bull Sarah Palin raised Obama’s fleeting association with ’60s radical turned University of Illinois professor Bill Ayers claiming Obama hates America so much he “pals around with terrorists” and “America haters” like Jeremiah Wright. McCain got up before small crowds of supporters today on Monday and called Obama a liar, claiming he refuses to answer questions about his past associations. Of course, Obama has answered questions about his past associations, in great detail, when these issues were raised by Senator Clinton during the Democratic primary. As a matter of fact, Charles Gibson and George Stephanopoulos spent 45 minutes of a 75 minute debate discussing them. Apparently McCain doesn’t understand that an answer he doesn’t like is still an answer none-the-less.
McCain-Palin needs to be careful. I am well aware that the reason trailing candidates revert to personal attacks is that typically, negative campaigning works. However, since the attacks began on Saturday, Obama has gained 3 percentage points and 11 electoral votes in the Gallup tracking poll. I am by no means a believer in the intelligence and ability of the American voter to see through such tactics, but it is possible that in the midst of a plummeting stock market, increasing foreclosure rates and nine consecutive months of job-losses, voters might be less interested than usual it what some college professor was involved in when Barack Obama was eight years old. From what I understand, all charges against Bill Ayers were dropped over 30 years ago. If Ayers is a “terrorist” as Palin claims, have him arrested and charged with terrorism. Otherwise McCain-Palin should probably keep their smears to themselves. People living in glass houses - or associating with Alaskan separatists - should not throw stones.
How much more evidence do people need that when this campaign is about issues that affect people’s lives, McCain loses.
Add the phrase “game-changer” to the list of words I never want to hear again so long as I live. Never.
70 million people tuned in last Thursday night to watch the first and only debate between the vice presidential candidates. The verdict; Palin did well, Biden did better. Despite the post-debate propaganda of Michelle Malkin, the National Review Online and someone referred to in campaign commercials as “famous person” (later revealed to be former Reagan speech writer Peggy Noonan), post-debate polls so far - four and five days later - indicate an uptick in support for the Obama-Biden ticket. Of course, Palin set expectations for herself so low that if she accomplished nothing more than merely showing up on stage and standing at the podium it would have been considered a win. She still sounded like an edited-for-television version of Fargo, lacing her string of talking points with “ mavericks” and “you betchas” and “ya darn tootin’s” and other assorted phony folksy charm, as well as “answers” to questions she was never asked. Her sportscasting experience also took center stage as she attempted to assemble factually incorrect oxymoronic snippets of mispronounced words like she was reading them off the tele-prompter, trying to force them all out before the highlights finished running on the blue screen behind her. But never mind all that. She’s a folksy “Joe six-pack hockey mom” state governor with a tanning bed in her living room. Just like you and me.
Cindy McCain is delusional. The $300,000 outfits must be going to her head. Today (Tuesday) she accused Barack Obama of running the "dirtiest campaign in American history." After 28 years of marriage, how could she possibly confuse her own husband with a 6'2" black man?
Enough politics. How about a little financial talk. The market fell 508 points today, following an early rally spurred by the bargain hunters. That amounts to a 13% loss of value over the past five days, and a 33% loss over the past twelve months. Does anyone still think that privatizing Social Security would have been a good idea?
Just to preface this comment, I hate baseball. I hate baseball the way Jennifer Aniston hates Angelina Jolie. But seriously, is there a more disappointing team in all of professional sports than the Chicago Cubs? Even I would have watched the Cubs in the World Series. I think there should be a mercy rule in pro sports. If your franchise has been an exercise in futility for 100 years, it should be removed from your city and all traces of its existence wiped from the face of the earth. No sports fan should have to live with 100 consecutive years of humiliation.
My NFL thoughts for Week 5.
The Lions really are that bad.
The Chiefs are even worse. How do you go from scoring 30 points last week to laying a big old rotten egg this week? Why not just pull 22 fans in jerseys out of the stands and let them run around the field. The couldn’t possibly do any worse.
The only reason the Rams didn’t make this list is because they didn’t play. Wait, they just made the list, didn’t they.
Every single Seattle Seahawk defender should return Sunday’s paycheck. Defenders get paid to tackle, don’t they? Not to smile and wave at Brandon Jacobs as he lopes past them. I know they’re pulling guys in off the street to play wide receiver, (Deion Branch returned for all of three minutes before leaving the game with a heel injury) but your receivers don’t play linebacker. Heck, maybe they should. That might be an improvement.
If you want to know how to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, watch the final five minutes of the Colts - Texans game. The Colts scored 21 points in two minutes as a result of three turnovers by Texans quarterback Sage Rosenfels. A Manning touchdown pass to some guy no one ever heard of cut the lead to ten late in the fourth quarter. But with four minutes to go, Rosenfels decided that instead of taking a slide and protecting the ball he would deliver his best impression of John Elway in the ’98 Superbowl, leaping over a tackle, getting helicoptered by two defenders, then - unlike Elway - fumbled the football, which was promptly recovered by the Colts and returned for a touchdown. On the ensuing Texan possession, Rosenfels failed to notice a Colt defensive end chasing him as he rolled to his left trying to make a pass and had the ball knocked from his hands, recovered again by Colt defenders. That lead to a Reggie Wayne touchdown on the sideline of the end zone that at least ties - if not surpasses Marty Booker’s catch against the Lions in Detroit for catch of the year. Rosenfels then went ahead to rub salt in his own wounds by throwing an interception to end the game. After the game he told the media that his mistakes may have cost the team a victory. Isn’t honesty refreshing? What else would you expect from a dude named Sage, right?
Ben Roethlisberger is one tough S.O.B. Can’t say it any better than that.
Monday night was shaping up to be Reggie Bush’s coming out party. In the football sense. Not in the gay sense. Two-and-a-half punts returns for touchdowns in one game is Hester-esque. Too bad the Saints had to go and screw it up by losing the game.
My Superbowl picks for Week 5: New York Giants vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
On the lighter side, word is that Elizabeth Hasselbeck is leaving “The View.” I don’t know why anyone cares or why that made the news, but people do and it did. Apparently she’s gained notoriety for expressing in-depth, throughly-reasoned, well-rounded opinions and commentary on current events. Seems as though she’ll be missed. Maybe she and Rosie O’Donnell will do a show together. Survivor: Times Square.
Tennis superstar and consensus smokin’ hot babe Maria Sharapova put herself up for auction at a charity fundraising event last week. The highest bidder would receive a date with the lovely Russian blonde. Seems Sharapova thought her brand new boyfriend would be able to put up the winning bid and take her out for a nice dinner. But apparently the boyfriend was sniped at the last moment by some luck dude who offered in excess of $10,000 for an evening with Maria. How awkward is that date going to be? And seriously? Only $10,000 dollars? Wow. If I’d just refinanced my house that could have been me.
Finally tonight, have I mentioned how much I love Seattle? First drive-thru bikini coffee shops, now this. Tryouts are underway for The Lingerie Football League. Yes, it is exactly what it sounds like, a 10-team football league featuring games played by young ladies in lingerie. I meticulously reviewed the video footage of the tryouts posted on CNN.com for this report, and while the National Football League it is not, the ladies are... in all honestly... not terrible. I don’t think any of them are professional athletes, but some of them can actually throw and catch and run. Of course, none of them can block or tackle, but that’s not what the Lingerie Football League is about, is it. When asked what she thought the allure of the league might be, one tryout participant - ogled from the bleachers by a group of construction workers on their lunch break - replied thoughtfully, “...probably half-naked women playing football... would be my guess.” Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is the real straight-talk express.
Apparently there’s a presidential debate on television right now. I guess I should flip over and watch it, but I need to let my food digest a little first. Maybe I’ll just record it and watch it later.
Over the weekend, John McCain decided to take his presidential campaign in a different direction. He decided to shift his attention away from things he knows nothing about, like the economy and the everyday hardships of people with only one house, and toward issues he knows a lot about, like character assassination. Self-described pit-bull Sarah Palin raised Obama’s fleeting association with ’60s radical turned University of Illinois professor Bill Ayers claiming Obama hates America so much he “pals around with terrorists” and “America haters” like Jeremiah Wright. McCain got up before small crowds of supporters today on Monday and called Obama a liar, claiming he refuses to answer questions about his past associations. Of course, Obama has answered questions about his past associations, in great detail, when these issues were raised by Senator Clinton during the Democratic primary. As a matter of fact, Charles Gibson and George Stephanopoulos spent 45 minutes of a 75 minute debate discussing them. Apparently McCain doesn’t understand that an answer he doesn’t like is still an answer none-the-less.
McCain-Palin needs to be careful. I am well aware that the reason trailing candidates revert to personal attacks is that typically, negative campaigning works. However, since the attacks began on Saturday, Obama has gained 3 percentage points and 11 electoral votes in the Gallup tracking poll. I am by no means a believer in the intelligence and ability of the American voter to see through such tactics, but it is possible that in the midst of a plummeting stock market, increasing foreclosure rates and nine consecutive months of job-losses, voters might be less interested than usual it what some college professor was involved in when Barack Obama was eight years old. From what I understand, all charges against Bill Ayers were dropped over 30 years ago. If Ayers is a “terrorist” as Palin claims, have him arrested and charged with terrorism. Otherwise McCain-Palin should probably keep their smears to themselves. People living in glass houses - or associating with Alaskan separatists - should not throw stones.
How much more evidence do people need that when this campaign is about issues that affect people’s lives, McCain loses.
Add the phrase “game-changer” to the list of words I never want to hear again so long as I live. Never.
70 million people tuned in last Thursday night to watch the first and only debate between the vice presidential candidates. The verdict; Palin did well, Biden did better. Despite the post-debate propaganda of Michelle Malkin, the National Review Online and someone referred to in campaign commercials as “famous person” (later revealed to be former Reagan speech writer Peggy Noonan), post-debate polls so far - four and five days later - indicate an uptick in support for the Obama-Biden ticket. Of course, Palin set expectations for herself so low that if she accomplished nothing more than merely showing up on stage and standing at the podium it would have been considered a win. She still sounded like an edited-for-television version of Fargo, lacing her string of talking points with “ mavericks” and “you betchas” and “ya darn tootin’s” and other assorted phony folksy charm, as well as “answers” to questions she was never asked. Her sportscasting experience also took center stage as she attempted to assemble factually incorrect oxymoronic snippets of mispronounced words like she was reading them off the tele-prompter, trying to force them all out before the highlights finished running on the blue screen behind her. But never mind all that. She’s a folksy “Joe six-pack hockey mom” state governor with a tanning bed in her living room. Just like you and me.
Cindy McCain is delusional. The $300,000 outfits must be going to her head. Today (Tuesday) she accused Barack Obama of running the "dirtiest campaign in American history." After 28 years of marriage, how could she possibly confuse her own husband with a 6'2" black man?
Enough politics. How about a little financial talk. The market fell 508 points today, following an early rally spurred by the bargain hunters. That amounts to a 13% loss of value over the past five days, and a 33% loss over the past twelve months. Does anyone still think that privatizing Social Security would have been a good idea?
Just to preface this comment, I hate baseball. I hate baseball the way Jennifer Aniston hates Angelina Jolie. But seriously, is there a more disappointing team in all of professional sports than the Chicago Cubs? Even I would have watched the Cubs in the World Series. I think there should be a mercy rule in pro sports. If your franchise has been an exercise in futility for 100 years, it should be removed from your city and all traces of its existence wiped from the face of the earth. No sports fan should have to live with 100 consecutive years of humiliation.
My NFL thoughts for Week 5.
The Lions really are that bad.
The Chiefs are even worse. How do you go from scoring 30 points last week to laying a big old rotten egg this week? Why not just pull 22 fans in jerseys out of the stands and let them run around the field. The couldn’t possibly do any worse.
The only reason the Rams didn’t make this list is because they didn’t play. Wait, they just made the list, didn’t they.
Every single Seattle Seahawk defender should return Sunday’s paycheck. Defenders get paid to tackle, don’t they? Not to smile and wave at Brandon Jacobs as he lopes past them. I know they’re pulling guys in off the street to play wide receiver, (Deion Branch returned for all of three minutes before leaving the game with a heel injury) but your receivers don’t play linebacker. Heck, maybe they should. That might be an improvement.
If you want to know how to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, watch the final five minutes of the Colts - Texans game. The Colts scored 21 points in two minutes as a result of three turnovers by Texans quarterback Sage Rosenfels. A Manning touchdown pass to some guy no one ever heard of cut the lead to ten late in the fourth quarter. But with four minutes to go, Rosenfels decided that instead of taking a slide and protecting the ball he would deliver his best impression of John Elway in the ’98 Superbowl, leaping over a tackle, getting helicoptered by two defenders, then - unlike Elway - fumbled the football, which was promptly recovered by the Colts and returned for a touchdown. On the ensuing Texan possession, Rosenfels failed to notice a Colt defensive end chasing him as he rolled to his left trying to make a pass and had the ball knocked from his hands, recovered again by Colt defenders. That lead to a Reggie Wayne touchdown on the sideline of the end zone that at least ties - if not surpasses Marty Booker’s catch against the Lions in Detroit for catch of the year. Rosenfels then went ahead to rub salt in his own wounds by throwing an interception to end the game. After the game he told the media that his mistakes may have cost the team a victory. Isn’t honesty refreshing? What else would you expect from a dude named Sage, right?
Ben Roethlisberger is one tough S.O.B. Can’t say it any better than that.
Monday night was shaping up to be Reggie Bush’s coming out party. In the football sense. Not in the gay sense. Two-and-a-half punts returns for touchdowns in one game is Hester-esque. Too bad the Saints had to go and screw it up by losing the game.
My Superbowl picks for Week 5: New York Giants vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
On the lighter side, word is that Elizabeth Hasselbeck is leaving “The View.” I don’t know why anyone cares or why that made the news, but people do and it did. Apparently she’s gained notoriety for expressing in-depth, throughly-reasoned, well-rounded opinions and commentary on current events. Seems as though she’ll be missed. Maybe she and Rosie O’Donnell will do a show together. Survivor: Times Square.
Tennis superstar and consensus smokin’ hot babe Maria Sharapova put herself up for auction at a charity fundraising event last week. The highest bidder would receive a date with the lovely Russian blonde. Seems Sharapova thought her brand new boyfriend would be able to put up the winning bid and take her out for a nice dinner. But apparently the boyfriend was sniped at the last moment by some luck dude who offered in excess of $10,000 for an evening with Maria. How awkward is that date going to be? And seriously? Only $10,000 dollars? Wow. If I’d just refinanced my house that could have been me.
Finally tonight, have I mentioned how much I love Seattle? First drive-thru bikini coffee shops, now this. Tryouts are underway for The Lingerie Football League. Yes, it is exactly what it sounds like, a 10-team football league featuring games played by young ladies in lingerie. I meticulously reviewed the video footage of the tryouts posted on CNN.com for this report, and while the National Football League it is not, the ladies are... in all honestly... not terrible. I don’t think any of them are professional athletes, but some of them can actually throw and catch and run. Of course, none of them can block or tackle, but that’s not what the Lingerie Football League is about, is it. When asked what she thought the allure of the league might be, one tryout participant - ogled from the bleachers by a group of construction workers on their lunch break - replied thoughtfully, “...probably half-naked women playing football... would be my guess.” Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is the real straight-talk express.
10.01.2008
House of Cards
Have you checked on your 401K lately?
What a week for John McCain. Following the debacle of previous weeks in which he claimed the fundamentals of the economy were sound, six hours before declaring the fundamentals of the economy were in crisis, two hours before declaring he was actually referring to the American worker, McCain began this past week determined to overcome his admitted weakness with regard to the economy. Attempting to jolt himself out of a post-Lehman Bros. poll slump, he announced Tuesday afternoon – much to the dismay and agitation of David Letterman whose show he was scheduled to appear on – that he would be suspending his campaign and returning to Washington to inject himself into the negotiations on the 700 billion dollar bailout package. He felt this mission was so important, he informed the public he would not appear at the first scheduled debate with Senator Obama that Friday night unless a solution to the crisis had been reached. So, McCain rode into D.C. on his white horse (of conquest?), called a few Senators and Congressmen on the phone, proclaimed he was putting his country ahead of his personal ambition (nudge nudge wink wink), accomplished absolutely nothing, and despite repeated declarations that he wouldn’t, showed up for the debate Friday night anyhow. His campaign released commercials in battleground states claiming he won the debate – on Friday morning, ten hours before the debate had actually taken place. On Thursday his campaign suggested that perhaps the Friday’s debate should have been rescheduled for October 2, and the vice presidential debate scheduled for that evening be postponed indefinitely. (The reasons for that became painfully clear when the video of running mate Sarah Palin’s interview with Katie Couric hit the rest of the media.) Learning nothing from those missteps, McCain announced Monday morning that he was responsible for a new and improved bailout package that now had the votes to get through Congress. That afternoon, the McCain-brokered bailout package went down in flames on the floor of the House. So he blamed Obama for the failure. Maybe he just didn’t remember that Obama isn’t actually a member of the House of Representatives.
John McCain is an impulsive man. He runs almost entirely on instinct, putting little thought into his decisions and giving little thought to them afterward. He has admitted as much in his biography. It should be obvious now – if it wasn’t ten days ago – that a quickly-made decision is not necessarily a good one. The guy who raises his hand first doesn't always have the right answer.
As previously mentioned, the first presidential debate took place last Friday on the campus of the University of Mississippi. After viewing much of it and reviewing as much commentary as I could stomach, it seems like it was pretty much a wash. McCain was his typical combative, indignant self, while Obama was cool and even-keeled as usual. But in a national security debate, a draw is somewhat of a win for Obama. In this case, McCain seems to be a victim of expectations. National security is supposed to be his wheelhouse, his area of expertise. He was expected to get up on that stage and blow Obama away. Instead, Barack Obama stood face to face (sort of) with his opponent and looked like he belonged on the platform with him. Snap polls taken after the debate by CNN and CBS indicated that the undecided voters polled felt Obama outperformed McCain in every category but one – he didn’t attack McCain as much as McCain attacked him. Those results translated to only a slight up-tick in the polls, but with less than five weeks to go, any increase at all could prove significant.
Is it me, or did John McCain fail to look Barack Obama in the eye even once during that entire 90-minute debate? Why?
If you as an interviewee can make Katie Couric look like Bill O’Reilly, you’re doing something terribly wrong. Sarah Palin sat down for only her third media interview last week with CBS Evening News. In spite of all the blather about her experience and public speaking ability, Couric might as well have been interviewing Tickle-Me Elmo. Seriously. Elmo would have been more coherent.
As tempting as it is, I’m not going to turn the remainder of this column into a Palin-bashing session. But is it personally offensive to me that the Republican Party would nominate this candidate and try to sell her to the American people as more experienced, more intelligent and more prepared to lead this country than a self-made Harvard graduate. They should all be embarrassed.
In a related story, McCain spent many hours last week conferring with Mitt Romney about the economic crisis. If only he had the opportunity to put someone like Romney on the ticket, someone capable of speaking about economics in complete, coherent sentences featuring nouns, verbs, prepositions, adjectives and punctuation. Oh wait, he did have that opportunity. My bad.
On Monday, the Ohio state Supreme Court and two federal judges upheld a ruling by the Secretary of State that allows new voters to both register and cast an absentee ballot on the same day between September 30, the first day of early voting, and October 6, the deadline for voter registration. The state Republican Party asked the 6th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals to overturn the decision on the grounds that it violated Ohio law and invited voter fraud. Of course, while they were arguing this before the court, they were also encouraging first-time voters to register Republican and cast an absentee ballot for John Mccain on the same day. Even though it was illegal and invited voter fraud. Wrap your head around that one.
A report issued by the Justice Department’s Inspector General yesterday detailed widespread politicization of the Justice Department under the leadership - or lack thereof - of former Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, all in direct violation of the department’s policies and civil service laws prohibiting discrimination in hiring based on political or ideological affiliation. Right. Next they’ll try to tell me Clay Aiken is gay. Seriously, how did we get to this point? Doesn’t it bother anyone that the highest law enforcement office in the country was turned into a punch-line for late-night comedians? For all his failures, Gonzalez did succeed at one thing. He somehow managed to make people forget all about Janet Reno.
Behold another tidbit of useless information. The official inflation rate of Zimbabwe is 11.2 million percent. That is not a misprint. So, if you had $11 million today, next September - assuming that rate remained steady, you would be $200,000 in debt. At what point do you just scrap the entire system and start over?
My NFL thoughts for Week 4.
Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis finally did what he’s been wanting to do for six months and fired his head coach, replacing him with some guy named Tom. Anyone who’s seen a press conference with former coach Lane Kiffin over the past four weeks knows he’s basically been trying to get himself fired. During the off-season he discovered that he as the head coach had absolutely no control over his staff or his team. But he was determined to make Davis get up in front of a camera in his ridiculous sparkling velvet track suit and explain that to everyone else. Maybe Mike Shanahan is looking for an Al Davis castaway to sit on the sidelines with him and pout.
The 0-4 St. Louis Rams also fired their coach Monday morning, replacing him with their defensive coordinator. Unfortunately, their defensive coordinator used to be the head coach of the previously hapless New Orleans Saints, who under his leadership never had a winning record. Seems a little like plugging the cracks in the dam with chewing gum.
At 39 years-of-age, Brett Favre did something he’s never done before. And at that age you don’t get to say that very often. Favre threw six touchdown passes in 30 minutes of football on Sunday, leading the New York Jets to a 56-35 victory over the Cardinals and my fantasy team to an 0-4 start. Damn you Brett Favre! Damn you!
Even the Chiefs are doing better than I am. How lame is that? Did the Broncos even field a defense on Sunday?
Dallas fell to Washington Sunday evening, sparking complaints from pro bowl wide receiver diva, prima donna and all-round pain in the butt, Terrell Owens. Despite being the target of approximately 1/3 of the Cowboys offensive plays, Owens complained to his quarterback, his coaches and to the media that he didn’t like the play selection and wasn’t getting the ball enough. Romo was too busy making out with Jessica Simpson to pay him any attention, but the media gave him all the time he wanted. Give them a couple more losses and watch how fast Romo becomes Donovan McNabb and the Cowboys turn into the 2005 Eagles.
In spite of themselves, the Chicago Bears are pretty good.
My Superbowl picks for Week 4: Dallas Cowboys vs. Tennessee Titans.
In lighter news this week, seven-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong has decided he really doesn’t like sitting on his couch collecting money from his Live Strong bracelet empire. So, he’s gong back to cycling. In fact, he plans to make a run at another Tour de France riding for a team from Kazakhstan. I’m sure there’s a joke here somewhere, but I doubt I can pronounce it.
Police were called to a Philadelphia Phillies game on a report of suspicious objects some people thought were pipe bombs. Turns out they were actually hot dogs wrapped in duct tape, designed to be fired from a hot dog cannon into the crowd by the Phillies mascot. Wow. First burritos mistaken for shotguns, now hot dogs mistaken for pipe bombs. Do we need any more evidence that portion sizes are out of control in this country?
Finally, refusing to outdone by a B-list star like Clay Aiken, Lindsay Lohan revealed the second-worst-kept secret in America. That’s right guys, Lindsay likes the ladies. Older women at that. For those of you who don’t know, Lohan has been dating 31-year-old DJ Samantha Ronson (nine years her senior) for some time now. Lindsay has reportedly engaged in drunken jealous screaming matches with one of the Olsen twins over Ronson, while Ronson appears to have purchased Lohan a $22,000 diamond ring for her birthday. I hope Miley Cyrus is paying very close attention to all this. She’s looking at herself in the mirror six years from now.
Financial crisis wisdom of the week:
Vote for the guy with one house. If he loses it, he’ll be homeless.
- Chris Rock
What a week for John McCain. Following the debacle of previous weeks in which he claimed the fundamentals of the economy were sound, six hours before declaring the fundamentals of the economy were in crisis, two hours before declaring he was actually referring to the American worker, McCain began this past week determined to overcome his admitted weakness with regard to the economy. Attempting to jolt himself out of a post-Lehman Bros. poll slump, he announced Tuesday afternoon – much to the dismay and agitation of David Letterman whose show he was scheduled to appear on – that he would be suspending his campaign and returning to Washington to inject himself into the negotiations on the 700 billion dollar bailout package. He felt this mission was so important, he informed the public he would not appear at the first scheduled debate with Senator Obama that Friday night unless a solution to the crisis had been reached. So, McCain rode into D.C. on his white horse (of conquest?), called a few Senators and Congressmen on the phone, proclaimed he was putting his country ahead of his personal ambition (nudge nudge wink wink), accomplished absolutely nothing, and despite repeated declarations that he wouldn’t, showed up for the debate Friday night anyhow. His campaign released commercials in battleground states claiming he won the debate – on Friday morning, ten hours before the debate had actually taken place. On Thursday his campaign suggested that perhaps the Friday’s debate should have been rescheduled for October 2, and the vice presidential debate scheduled for that evening be postponed indefinitely. (The reasons for that became painfully clear when the video of running mate Sarah Palin’s interview with Katie Couric hit the rest of the media.) Learning nothing from those missteps, McCain announced Monday morning that he was responsible for a new and improved bailout package that now had the votes to get through Congress. That afternoon, the McCain-brokered bailout package went down in flames on the floor of the House. So he blamed Obama for the failure. Maybe he just didn’t remember that Obama isn’t actually a member of the House of Representatives.
John McCain is an impulsive man. He runs almost entirely on instinct, putting little thought into his decisions and giving little thought to them afterward. He has admitted as much in his biography. It should be obvious now – if it wasn’t ten days ago – that a quickly-made decision is not necessarily a good one. The guy who raises his hand first doesn't always have the right answer.
As previously mentioned, the first presidential debate took place last Friday on the campus of the University of Mississippi. After viewing much of it and reviewing as much commentary as I could stomach, it seems like it was pretty much a wash. McCain was his typical combative, indignant self, while Obama was cool and even-keeled as usual. But in a national security debate, a draw is somewhat of a win for Obama. In this case, McCain seems to be a victim of expectations. National security is supposed to be his wheelhouse, his area of expertise. He was expected to get up on that stage and blow Obama away. Instead, Barack Obama stood face to face (sort of) with his opponent and looked like he belonged on the platform with him. Snap polls taken after the debate by CNN and CBS indicated that the undecided voters polled felt Obama outperformed McCain in every category but one – he didn’t attack McCain as much as McCain attacked him. Those results translated to only a slight up-tick in the polls, but with less than five weeks to go, any increase at all could prove significant.
Is it me, or did John McCain fail to look Barack Obama in the eye even once during that entire 90-minute debate? Why?
If you as an interviewee can make Katie Couric look like Bill O’Reilly, you’re doing something terribly wrong. Sarah Palin sat down for only her third media interview last week with CBS Evening News. In spite of all the blather about her experience and public speaking ability, Couric might as well have been interviewing Tickle-Me Elmo. Seriously. Elmo would have been more coherent.
As tempting as it is, I’m not going to turn the remainder of this column into a Palin-bashing session. But is it personally offensive to me that the Republican Party would nominate this candidate and try to sell her to the American people as more experienced, more intelligent and more prepared to lead this country than a self-made Harvard graduate. They should all be embarrassed.
In a related story, McCain spent many hours last week conferring with Mitt Romney about the economic crisis. If only he had the opportunity to put someone like Romney on the ticket, someone capable of speaking about economics in complete, coherent sentences featuring nouns, verbs, prepositions, adjectives and punctuation. Oh wait, he did have that opportunity. My bad.
On Monday, the Ohio state Supreme Court and two federal judges upheld a ruling by the Secretary of State that allows new voters to both register and cast an absentee ballot on the same day between September 30, the first day of early voting, and October 6, the deadline for voter registration. The state Republican Party asked the 6th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals to overturn the decision on the grounds that it violated Ohio law and invited voter fraud. Of course, while they were arguing this before the court, they were also encouraging first-time voters to register Republican and cast an absentee ballot for John Mccain on the same day. Even though it was illegal and invited voter fraud. Wrap your head around that one.
A report issued by the Justice Department’s Inspector General yesterday detailed widespread politicization of the Justice Department under the leadership - or lack thereof - of former Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, all in direct violation of the department’s policies and civil service laws prohibiting discrimination in hiring based on political or ideological affiliation. Right. Next they’ll try to tell me Clay Aiken is gay. Seriously, how did we get to this point? Doesn’t it bother anyone that the highest law enforcement office in the country was turned into a punch-line for late-night comedians? For all his failures, Gonzalez did succeed at one thing. He somehow managed to make people forget all about Janet Reno.
Behold another tidbit of useless information. The official inflation rate of Zimbabwe is 11.2 million percent. That is not a misprint. So, if you had $11 million today, next September - assuming that rate remained steady, you would be $200,000 in debt. At what point do you just scrap the entire system and start over?
My NFL thoughts for Week 4.
Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis finally did what he’s been wanting to do for six months and fired his head coach, replacing him with some guy named Tom. Anyone who’s seen a press conference with former coach Lane Kiffin over the past four weeks knows he’s basically been trying to get himself fired. During the off-season he discovered that he as the head coach had absolutely no control over his staff or his team. But he was determined to make Davis get up in front of a camera in his ridiculous sparkling velvet track suit and explain that to everyone else. Maybe Mike Shanahan is looking for an Al Davis castaway to sit on the sidelines with him and pout.
The 0-4 St. Louis Rams also fired their coach Monday morning, replacing him with their defensive coordinator. Unfortunately, their defensive coordinator used to be the head coach of the previously hapless New Orleans Saints, who under his leadership never had a winning record. Seems a little like plugging the cracks in the dam with chewing gum.
At 39 years-of-age, Brett Favre did something he’s never done before. And at that age you don’t get to say that very often. Favre threw six touchdown passes in 30 minutes of football on Sunday, leading the New York Jets to a 56-35 victory over the Cardinals and my fantasy team to an 0-4 start. Damn you Brett Favre! Damn you!
Even the Chiefs are doing better than I am. How lame is that? Did the Broncos even field a defense on Sunday?
Dallas fell to Washington Sunday evening, sparking complaints from pro bowl wide receiver diva, prima donna and all-round pain in the butt, Terrell Owens. Despite being the target of approximately 1/3 of the Cowboys offensive plays, Owens complained to his quarterback, his coaches and to the media that he didn’t like the play selection and wasn’t getting the ball enough. Romo was too busy making out with Jessica Simpson to pay him any attention, but the media gave him all the time he wanted. Give them a couple more losses and watch how fast Romo becomes Donovan McNabb and the Cowboys turn into the 2005 Eagles.
In spite of themselves, the Chicago Bears are pretty good.
My Superbowl picks for Week 4: Dallas Cowboys vs. Tennessee Titans.
In lighter news this week, seven-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong has decided he really doesn’t like sitting on his couch collecting money from his Live Strong bracelet empire. So, he’s gong back to cycling. In fact, he plans to make a run at another Tour de France riding for a team from Kazakhstan. I’m sure there’s a joke here somewhere, but I doubt I can pronounce it.
Police were called to a Philadelphia Phillies game on a report of suspicious objects some people thought were pipe bombs. Turns out they were actually hot dogs wrapped in duct tape, designed to be fired from a hot dog cannon into the crowd by the Phillies mascot. Wow. First burritos mistaken for shotguns, now hot dogs mistaken for pipe bombs. Do we need any more evidence that portion sizes are out of control in this country?
Finally, refusing to outdone by a B-list star like Clay Aiken, Lindsay Lohan revealed the second-worst-kept secret in America. That’s right guys, Lindsay likes the ladies. Older women at that. For those of you who don’t know, Lohan has been dating 31-year-old DJ Samantha Ronson (nine years her senior) for some time now. Lindsay has reportedly engaged in drunken jealous screaming matches with one of the Olsen twins over Ronson, while Ronson appears to have purchased Lohan a $22,000 diamond ring for her birthday. I hope Miley Cyrus is paying very close attention to all this. She’s looking at herself in the mirror six years from now.
Financial crisis wisdom of the week:
Vote for the guy with one house. If he loses it, he’ll be homeless.
- Chris Rock
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